White Sugar, Brown Sugar

The winner is....

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 18:58:00 +0000

Congrats to our winner! And thank you to all of you who entered. What amazing stories!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I felt God had called us to adopt for several years. At the time we were in graduate school and lived on poverty level salaries. We decided to wait until we finished school and got jobs to begin the adoption process because of our lack of resources. Last winter my father was diagnosed with stage four skin cancer that had manifested as three large brain tumors. My dad died five months and one day after doctors found the cancer. What my husband and I did not know was that twenty years earlier my father had taken out an insurance policy for me and my two siblings. It was a large policy that in the event something ever happened to dad we would have college money etc... The first thing that came to my mind after finding out about the money was that God had planned our adoptions for decades and He knew this money was going to
provide for not one but several adoptions. My husband and I told my dad before he passed away about our plan to adopt a son domestically. My father smiled and asked if we would use his name for our child. Ironically, my husband and I had already chosen our son's name and it was after my dad:) The loss of my father was the most devastaing thing that has ever happened in our lives but God has brought something so beautiful out of our loss which is hope. My husband and I are currently "waiting" to be matched with a birthmom. We are so excited for our precious brown baby boy who will be named Truett Munro Nichols. Munro was my dad's middle name. God does make beautiful things out of the ashes!

Please e-mail your address (whitebrownsugar AT hotmail DOT com) to me so I can mail you your prizes!

Your Adoption Inspiration/Encourager: A Contest!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 25 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

So, I'm sponsoring my very first contest! :)

Answer the following question in a comment; one comment per reader, please:

Who was your greatest inspiration/encourager when you were considering or waiting to adopt, and why?

Leave a comment between now and Friday, June 1 at noon, Central Time. I'll choose the most inspirational story, post the name of the winning entrant, and you'll be mailed a few great prizes: a White Sugar, Brown Sugar tote bag and a copy of Brown Babies, Pink Parents written by my friend Amy Ford.

(If you see your story posted as the winner on June 1, please e-mail me your address: whitebrownsugar AT hotmail DOT com).

The more creative and inspirational your story, the more likely you are to win!

Sisterly Love

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Thu, 24 May 2012 02:42:00 +0000

I am the oldest of three children. My sister and I, like many, had a love-hate relationship growing up.   But most of it was love. :)

I'm not sure what I pictured my family to look like when we started our adoption journey.   We were almost always shown (our profile) to expectant parents who were having white boys.   Go figure.    And now we are the parent of two brown girls who are awesome at being sisterly.

I love when Miss E sings her sister's name---letter by letter.   I love the way they wrestle.    When Baby E gets mad, she slaps her sister across the face, and in response, Miss E holds the baby's chin and says, "No hitting. Ouch! Hitting hurts." She mothers her younger sister, just as I mothered mine.    Miss E will do all sorts of things to Baby E without Baby E's permission---put a dress-up hat on her head, kiss her, hug her, dance with her.   Miss E will take off her sister's shoes when we enter the house.   Miss E will also dump all unwanted veggies onto her sister's high chair tray. :)

They get jealous of one another.   If I pick one girl up, the other wants to be held.   If I give one girl her food first, the other gets angry.   They want equal (no, more) attention.

I love when the girls are dressed alike.   It's so sweet to see them in matching dresses.

I know I talk about this often.    Spend a day with me. You will see that my girls are REAL sisters.

The future is bright.   I think about when someone says something nasty to one of my girls. Watch out! Sisters don't tolerate someone hurting the other sister.   I imagine them putting on plays (like my sister and I did many times) in the living room, staying up late at night---giggling, whispering, and talking mean about their parents, prom, weddings.

I am blessed.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 18 May 2012 03:37:00 +0000

I have big ideas.

Always.

I want to have the most amazing house that looks like it came from a magazine called Better Homes and Gardens Pottery Barn Pinterest.   I want my girls to be able to recite Bible verses and Beyonce lyrics and quotes from Civil Rights leaders.   I want to write a book that BLOWS YOUR MIND and makes you have one of those Oprah ah-ha moments.   I want to walk into a room with my husband and everyone looks at us and thinks, "They are so in love. What a beautiful couple!" I want to walk into any public place---a park, a restaurant, a store---and people don't ask me if my girls are real sisters, but instead, they smile, say we have a beautiful family, and treat us like we are normal (we really are normal).   I want to exercise with passion and energy, eat healthy foods 99% of the time, and stop thinking about what I don't like about my body but instead appreciate the fact that diabetes is a BEAST and I'm kicking it's rear every day with my uber-amazing woman powers.   I want to read my Bible every day, be the hands and feet of Jesus, and do so with grace, maturity, and down-to-earthness that doesn't make anyone call me Bible Girl.

It dawned on me the other day that all the things I want, work toward, and strive for, constantly, are probably not the things God has in mind for me.

Sigh.

Back to the drawing board?

I'm a control freak. I'm passionate. I'm always thinking about the next. big. thing.   I'm sharp-tongued too often.    I love sugar.   Love it. I don't spend enough time with my husband.   I get too caught up in keeping up with chores. I spend too much time watching Dr. Phil and not enough time talking to Jesus. I hate my thighs. Hate them. I really want to write a book, but I'm not sure I'm good enough, experienced enough, or smart enough.

I'm a mess.

Aren't we all?

This Casting Crown's lyric is on my mind:

"Nobody knows what we're for Only what we're against when we judge the wounded. What if we put down our sings Crossed over the lines And loved like You did."

It's so easy to judge others, but even more than others, ourselves. We have this idea of who we should be, how the world should see us, and how awesome tomorrow could be if we just dropped 10 pounds, read the book of Proverbs to our kids, and became a superstar wife.   But big plans are just that---big plans.   And nothing, I believe, nothing will come to fruition with any sort of lasting and eternal success without the hand of God.

When In Doubt...Type It Out!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:56:00 +0000

An article I wrote last year for MyBrownBaby.com is blowing up the website once again. Apparently a few people (with many friends?) have been posting a link to the article on their Facebook pages, getting posters riled up about transracial adoption.

I hope you'll visit the article and leave a comment there, letting readers know what you think.

Oh, and while you're reading (instead of sleeping, working, or doing chores), check out this awesome post by a fellow adoption blogger on the whole idea of Mommy Wars and we should really be fighting for.

Lastily, are you going to enter the Adoptive Families photo contest? We sure are! Good luck!

Great Article on Lack of Diversity on TV Shows

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Got my free issue of Entertainment Weekly and discovered this article. Happy reading!

Mothers

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sat, 12 May 2012 02:16:00 +0000

I'm an Open Adoption Blogger, and we've been asked to write about Mother's Day.   You can read other blogger's posts here.

What I want to say to you today, dear reader, is this:

Birth mothers are REAL mothers.   They deserve to be honored and treated with respect and remembered on Mother's Day.    People often dismiss them because their children aren't physically with them, but I assure you that the children these women placed for adoption are in the hearts of birth mothers EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of every single day.

Adoptive mothers are REAL mothers, too.   I'm not a fake mommy. :)

A child can have two mothers---one by birth, and one by adoption---and that's ok. If it makes you uncomfortable, too bad. ;)

Mother's Day is hard for a lot of women---birth mothers, women who have lost their fertility, women who have lost children, women who want to be mothers so badly but cannot at this time, and many, many more women.   Mother's Day is hard for someone who has lost a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend.

Mother's Day isn't all roses and candy and jewelry.   Mother's Day is so much more and so much less.

God, Thank you for the women who surround me---physically and virtually. I pray a special blessing upon them today. Please meet them in this moment and give them what they need.   Thank you for the mothers who gave birth to my children. Thank you for my own mother who has, despite all the odds and bad cards she was dealt in life, prevailed and continues to prevail, being the woman I can only hope to be.   Love, Rachel

Random Goodness

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 11 May 2012 18:45:00 +0000

It's so important to teach your children to swim so that accidents like Josh's don't happen again.

What an awesome ministry---NICU photography.

Charlize Theron's first photo with her adopted son.

One more celeb and adopted kiddos slideshow.

Simplify

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Wed, 09 May 2012 01:37:00 +0000

As I gradually packed our belongings in preparation for our move, I realized that despite my commitment to purging, donating, and tossing items we don't need, want, or use, my home was too full.   Cabinets and baskets and drawers and shelves were brimming with things I thought I held so dear.   So dear that I often forgot about them...

Less is more.

Our new house is nearly four times the size of our previous home.   I love the openness.   When you're a mom of two little ones, you are being touched, bumped into, wiped on, etc. all hours of the day, which especially happens in a small home.   I joke with my husband that it wouldn't matter what space we were in, it could be a football field, my girls would literally be on top of me.    However, this home does yield the space I craved so often.   My once very clingy Baby E has gradually begun to venture into what we're calling the Art Room and playing by herself.    The moments where she is discovering and happily chatting to herself gives me a few moments to get something done or to catch my breath or to pluck a cup of tea in the microwave to help get me through the day.

Bliss.

So, in my new found commitment to truly honoring my craving for space and simplicity, I've made a few decisions that have made my home a better place for all of us.

1: No coffee table. I LOVE our coffee table.   It's large, sturdy, and beautiful.   However, it eats up space and has corners making it a hazard for two very active little ladies.   The poor table has been retired to the basement for now.   It's replacement has long been an ottoman on wheels that is safe, easy to move around, and versatile.

2: Limited accessories.   I LOVE accessories. :) Picture frames, little bird figurines, art books, wall art.   But it requires dusting, careful placement, and space.    So I'm eliminating many of these items---either by storing them or selling them.

3: More sunlight.   In our great room, we have five windows and a sliding door to the screened in porch. I'm only covering the dining area windows for night time privacy.   Curtains are a tripping hazard (drapes) and a dust collector.   Sunshine is our friend. Plus, more sunlight equals less electricity needed to light the house.

4: More participation from the Littles. Now that Miss E is old enough (3.5), she's helping fold washcloths, put her clothes in the dirty laundry, put her dishes by the sink (she's been doing this for over a year), and pick up large amounts of toys.   Even though my type A self wants to do these tasks for her, as I'm much more quick and thorough, I am taking the time to teach her to do these things for herself and not correct it when it's not done perfectly.   I don't want to raise entitled, helpless children. :)    Baby E (who is going to be 18 months in a few weeks) picks up toys (with A LOT of encouragement and reminders) and brings things to me when asked.

I see many, many more years of laundry piles, stacks of dirty dishes, and toy tornadoes----all of which comes with mothering kiddos.   I can easily manage these tasks each day.   What overwhelmed me in my previous home was, I kid you not, simply looking and recognizing all the things that were around me---on the walls, on the floor, in the drawers, even the decorations on top of my cabinetry.   All of this was under-appreciated and created more work than pleasure.

I thought I did well with my purging process, but after moving, I realize how very little we need to be functional and happy.   I still love my little bits of decor---but truly, less is more.     What was holding me back before? My fear that less stuff would make my house feel less like home.   But I was wrong. We've only been in our new home for a few weeks, and we've had no issue settling in and making it our own, without all the stuff.

As summer quickly approaches and you are no doubt outdoors more with your family, take some time to evaluate your home. What is around you that is hindering your peace and simplicity? What is taking more than giving?   What isn't working?   What can you give away, sell, recycle, re purpose, or toss?   What accessories mean the most to you? (Perhaps give yourself a number that you are allowed to keep or display at one time---and figure out what to do with the rest).

You don't have to tackle simplicity all at once (too overwhelming!), but trust me that you will find yourself feeling more peaceful with less.

Summer!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:13:00 +0000

Summer...a season of possibility.

I'm officially on summer break!    I usually crave this time starting in February or March, but when end-July rolls around I'm so ready to be back at work.    But for now, I'm thrilled to have this opportunity.

First, we have our new home.   I have SO many projects I want to tackle.    I'm making curtains for my girls' art room, I need to get my office organized, there's so many rods and curtains and artwork to hang, and I need to go through several boxes and decide what to keep and what to sell or donate.

Second, and most overwhelmingly, I have my girls all summer. I'm considering hiring a mother's helper a few hours a week so I can accomplish some tasks, write, run errands, or spend time with friends during the day.   I'm also figuring out what I need to work on with Miss E (keep some of her skills up while she's off school this summer) and Baby E (working a little with her on learning some new things).

Third, I need to come up with a flexible schedule for our family----chores, errands, etc.   I thrive on routine, as do my girls, and it makes life easier when managing a home and a family.

I'm still anxiously waiting to hear if a particular publisher wants my book. And if yes, I'll spend many hours this summer drafting. I'm also going to submit articles to a few of my go-to publications in order to generate some income.

I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months.   Oh yes, and enjoy sleeping in every morning! Miss E doesn't have preschool and I'm not headed to work.   Let the relaxation, play time, and possibility begin!

What are your summer plans?

Hair Products

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Tue, 01 May 2012 19:02:00 +0000

A reader asked what I use in my girls' hair.

Like many moms of African American kiddos, I've purchased (and rejected) many hair products.   Part of my confusion came from the fact that it seemed every time I turned around someone was telling me THE product to buy. So I'd buy it. It wouldn't work.

It took me awhile to realize that not all black hair is the same and that trial and error is necessary, for a lifetime, as the child's hair changes and as new products come on the market.

For now, this is what we are using:

We use an organic, raw apple cider vinegar rinse on the girls' hair about once a week.

For Miss E, I use Kinky Curly products, specifically the gel (Curling Custard) and detangling gel (Knot Today).      I have found that straight up olive oil works really well, but her hair smells like stir fry....

For Baby E, whose hair is silky, thin, and has soft curls, I sometimes use organic coconut oil with a bit of Carol's Daughter Hair Milk (for scent).

I am NOT an hair expert by any means.   One of my goals for the summer is to do more research on black hair care and learn some new styles for my girls!

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This...A Rant on Adoption Pins

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 03:59:00 +0000

Finally, we are moved into our new home, and I have a few spare moments to browse my (and your?) latest addiction: Pinterest.

One of my readers had notified me that some of my articles and blog posts were being pinned. So, late one night, I type "adoption" into the search engine.

Images like these irk me:

Adoption isn't...

1: THE abortion alternative.    Adoption, abortion, parenting. These are COMPLICATED decisions. A mother who is considering abortion is in the heat of a crisis pregnancy (be it minor or major, in her book).    It bothers me that so many Christians promote adoption over parenting as an abortion alternative.    I do believe all mothers love their babies---born and unborn. I also believe a woman needs to be told what ALL of her options are---not just told "abortion is bad; adoption is wonderful."   To simplify adoption, to promote it as the easy out to an unplanned pregnancy, is incredibly disturbing.

2: "...the new pregnant." PUH-LEEZE. I know adoption is pretty cool---saith the public---who, at the same time, also says adoptive families are second class citizens (via their comments, stares, and questions). I didn't adopted because it's cool or "new." To imply that adoption is a trend and we should all jump on the bandwagon is offensive.

Additionally, adoption isn't a replacement for having biological children.    Having a biological child and adopting aren't the same. Don't give me that "I didn't carry you in my tummy; I carried you in my heart" nonsense.     To enter into adoption as a replacement for pregnancy/biology is ridiculous.   No doubt, in the end there's a child who is loved unconditionally by his or her parent(s)....but to pretend that adopting a child is the same as having a biological child, or is less cool or more cool than having a biological child, well, that implies that adopted children should disregard their biological roots and that birth parents should go along their merry little way while their child is raised by adoptive parents.

Now before you write me off as crazy....

I've read hundreds of adoption books, blogs, and articles.   I like to dig deeper into the messages being sent by a simple pin or e-mail or poem or Proverb. It's never as simple as it seems.    And pro-adoption messages more often favor the adoptive parents, not the adoptee or the biological parents. That irks me.

There are so many misconceptions about adoption, these two images promoting a few of those misconceptions.

What adoption messages irk you?   How are they harmful to members of the adoption triad?

"Good" Hair

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:43:00 +0000

Last week a student of mine presented on "good" skin---that the Eurocentric ideas of beauty are pushed on ALL of us---including African Americans. She made a great point---that African Americans are facing even higher and tougher (impossible) beauty standards than white women, because the white standard is the standard.

Which brings me to my "good" hair thoughts.

Miss E (3.5) has a huge afro. Sometimes she wears it in puffs, sometimes in braids, and sometimes it's just as it is---a huge afro.

Baby E (17 months) has silky, thin, curly hair. I can run my comb or brush through it, not problem.

At church, a lady came up to us, pointed at Baby E, and said, "She's got the good hair."

Her statement, meant to be a compliment, made me so sad.   One, because hair is hair---you get what you get in life.   And two, Miss E was standing right there and apparently didn't have hair nice enough to deserve the attention of the stranger.

I get that black hair and black hair culture is complicated and historical and contemporary and much more.   I get that "bad" hair---kinky, nappy, dry---it's hard to care for.

A fellow teacher of mine says his black female students in the Black Studies Program often discuss their hair. The overwhelming consensus in his classes is that straight, faux hair is the way to go. It's more beautiful.

Friends of mine have seven children they adopted.   She shared with me how her high school age girls are often made fun of for having natural hair. Why don't they get it treated like the other brown girls?

I think it's so sad that standards of "beauty" are pushed onto our girls. Disturbingly, these standards are already being bestowed upon my babies.     They are already being told how they should and shouldn't look in order to be what society sees as beautiful.

Why would anyone else care what anyone else looks like?   If you like tattoos, get a tat, or two, or ten. Why do I care? If you like to sag your pants, sag away. I don't care.   (By the way, my previous town passed a "no saggy pants" law this past year---as if there aren't other MAJOR issues in society to deal with).   If you like to look like you stepped out of a Polo ad, fine. If you like to wear all black, go for it.    If you are ok with your ten year old wearing lipstick, whatever.

Sadly, we are spending too much time and energy judging someone else's appearance. We take our own opinions and insecurities and project those onto others.    We perpetuate the media's messages and standards of beauty, therefore further empowering the media to tell us how to look.

Beauty is fleeting.

At least outward beauty.

But the inside is what counts.

I know it sounds cliche, but we all know it's true. :)

I can't protect my daughters from everyone's opinion of them. But being a transracial family, where EVERYONE has an opinion about us---good or bad or indifferent---has taught me to, more than ever, say, "Who cares?" to those who spew judgements.     No doubt those judgements sometimes hurt, even if they aren't meant to, but transracial adoptive families (and anyone else who is different, which is practically everyone, right?) learn to roll with the punches.

----

Parents, how do you shield your children from the media's standards of beauty?

Random Goodness

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 23:04:00 +0000

Some inspirational goodies:

1: I stopped by a friend's house to drop off some items for her yard sale.   I asked her how her at-home business was going and she said something so simple and profound:

The business is on hold for now. I'm concentrating on being a wife and mother. Instead of always pushing my kids aside to get more work done, I'm going to focus on them.

I thought, what courage that decision takes! I mean truly, it's simple AND complicated. It involves putting self (and money earning) aside to focus on the sweet blessings right in front of you. This is an area of life I struggle with.   But I know what my girls need most from me is time and attention---not a Pottery Barn bedroom or another article about transracial adoption with my name stamped across the top or a gourmet dinner.   They want ME. And when kids don't get attention from mom and dad, they will seek it from other people and things.

2: I wanted to share with you an old post by one of my favorite bloggers.   She shares suggestions on expressing love to your spouse. Goes along with the stop-think-act idea; love those who are right in front of you.   Simple yet these actions make such an impact!

One thing I struggle with is just sitting and talking to my spouse. I want to, but we are both so busy! Work, the kids, our to-do lists (which are very long right now with owning two houses---gulp). But I know, I KNOW, that I need to invest time in my life-partner.

3: Take a moment to sit in the sunshine as it finds its way to you in the coming days.   Amanda Soule talks about the importance of going outside EVERY day, even for five minutes, even if takes a lot of effort (getting kids dressed for the weather).   I Amanda's books!

My diabetes doc shared with me how many people, especially diabetics, are deficient in vitamin D. Get out in the sunshine without sunscreen for a few minutes!   Vitamin D is so important to your health, not to mention you feel happier with a little sun on your skin.

4: Finally, please check out this blog post by a friend of mine.     Funny she wrote about the man who needed a hug.   Just yesterday I was driving to work and saw a young lady walking onto campus. She had a LONG walk ahead of her as our campus is on a lot of beautiful acreage. I turned around and asked her if she wanted a ride, which she politely declined, but I think even offering something, like Charity did (a hug) to someone, even if they say no, is a way to show them someone cares about them.   We just never know what our words or simple gestures might do for someone.    No doubt I've been blessed by the simple kindness of others. Pass it on!

And I particularly appreciate Charity being so honest about her chronic disease (MS).   As most of you know, I have type I diabetes, and I share many of her feelings. It's not fair, it sucks, and it's very difficult...and the disease creeps up at the most inconvienant of times (on a date with my husband, when we have an important event to attend, when I'm trying to take care of my girls, when I have a massive stack of essays to grade, etc.). I don't want pity, but I do want support. I don't want advice, but I do want encouragement.   Today, if you know someone who is dealing with a medical issue or taking care of someone who has medical struggles, do something simple and kind for them.   Drop off a bag of chocolate or a bottle of wine.   Buy them a devotional or give them a blank journal. Don't tell them how to deal or think about their illness, just show them that you support them.

BE INSPIRED today, my friends! xoxoxo

Change is Upon Me

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 02:17:00 +0000

So much is going on right now. I'm overwhelmed.   I'm scared.    I'm frazzled. I'm blessed.

We recently purchased a new home. I've been dreaming of a new home for years now.   I love possibility. I love projects.     Our new home is incredible.    We have been looking at houses for a few years now, and seriously since January.   House after house.   I wondered, do you just know when a house is THE one, like a wedding dress, or is it a more practical, less personal transaction of sorts?     After finding our house, our HOME, I've decided that you do just know.

So with a new home comes packing and planning.   With two small children, a nearly-over semester (which includes 42 research papers to be graded), and the normal day-to-day activities,  I'm exhausted.

In other news, I'm working diligently on my adoption book. You might recall that I asked for submissions for an adoption anthology several months ago. That project is on hold for now.   My focus is on the book solely written by me. Details to come.   But let's just say it's completely daunting.   So many people say they want to be a writer.    Saying and doing---two different things for sure.

With a nearly four-month summer break on the horizon, I'm mentally plotting summer activities for my girls. I'm thinking of weekly goals. I want to practice letters and numbers with my oldest daughter, have devotional time with the girls, play games which help them remember to share and take turns, etc. Lofty goals, I know.   I also want to learn more and practice styling the girls' hair. Oh, and there are articles to write.

I need a beach vaca. A long nap.   A few glasses of wine.   Several good books.    I need time to reflect, to write, to think, to pray.   To do nothing. I need sunshine.   I'd like days of eating nothing but veggies and fruit and healthy proteins---refreshing.   I'd also like days of ice cream and brownies. :)

My father always tells me, change is good.   He's right.

What's going on with you and your family? What do you need today?   What can you do to meet that need?   What needs to change? What needs to rest and be reflected upon?

Beautiful Blog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 02:06:00 +0000

This isn't adoption-related, but I just had to share this with you all. Fran, the designer of my blog, wrote a beautiful blog post recently that I thought we would all appreciate. Read it, and you will no doubt be inspired.

Then, decide for yourself. Finish this sentence:

I am convinced...

Respecting Open Adoption---Virtually Speaking

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 17:11:00 +0000

Check out my latest article on the subject of respecting online privacy in open adoption.

Cool Slideshow

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 23:38:00 +0000

This slideshow, brought to you by People magazine, features thirty-five celeb adoptive families. I knew of about half of them, but many were surprises. Happy viewing!

Happy Easter!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 19:18:00 +0000

Photo Credit: Jill Heupel Photography of Edwardsville, IL

Friends,

Wishing you a very blessed Easter! I am thankful for my salvation in Jesus and the fact that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:15). Something I really need to keep in mind this week as I prepare my transracial adoption book proposal. :) Feeling free and happy today, knowing that I've got God cheering for me.

Love, Rach

Ask Rachel: What I Really Want to Say

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 23:26:00 +0000

J.H. asked:

What crazy things do people ask you about your girls? And what do you feel like saying, but don't?

In no particular order...

"Are the girls real sisters?"
What I want to say, "No, they are fake sisters."
What I usually say, "Yes."
Why? They are in the same family. That makes them sisters.

"Why didn't their birth parents want them?"
What I want to say, %$&%#$^$#^!"
What I usually say, "Their birth parents love them very much."
Why? Because it's true. My girls birth parents DO love them. The reasons my girls were placed for adoption is none of anyone's business. Period.

"I could never give my child away."
What I want to say, "My girls birth parents made a decision they felt was best."
What I usually say...nothing.  How does one respond to such nonsense?    There are so many things wrong with that statement...and it can only lead to drama.
Why? Some people don't deserve a response.

"Are they mixed or full?"
What I want to say, "My kids aren't dogs. They aren't breeds."
What I usually say, "My girls are African American."
Why? It's the truth.

"Are their birth parents young?"
What I want to say, "None of your business."
What I usually say, "Most birth parents are in their twenties."
Why? It gives an answer without revealing personal information.

"I always wanted to adopt, but I wanted to have my own kids first."
What I want to say, "So you think adopted kids are second-class to biological kids."
What I usually say, "My kids are my own."
Why? Because it's true!

I think what is most annoying is that my family can be anywhere---in a restroom, at a restaurant, in an airport, at a festival---you name it---and we are approached by strangers and asked intimate, personal questions----IN FRONT OF MY THREE YEAR OLD who repeats everything and understands much more than people might think.   The disrespect, the lack of boundaries, tact, and class, and the outright nosiness is intrusive and incredibly frustrating at times.

I try to always respond:
---Directly.
---With more grace than how the question was asked.
---With respect for my child, her birth parents, and our family.
---In order to educate the asker (be it an adoption fact or a little manners lesson....)

:)

So True...Toddlerhood

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 23:09:00 +0000

I'm reading Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. I'm only in the beginning chapters, but I am already learning so much! One quote that had me smiling was this (from page 32):

A toddler is completely unpretentious and honest about his feelings. You always know where you stand. The whole world is before her and it is a joy to watch her explore and conquer her environment. Everything is fresh and new. He studies his world with the precision of a scientist. She delights in the ludicrous and the unexpected. His nonsensical words and nongrammatical but logical sentences are delightful. To see the world through a toddler's eyes is to find the child inside yourself once again.

Pre-Kids and Post-Kids Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:18:00 +0000

Pre-kids, my husband and I would:

---Sleep in on Saturday mornings.
---Eat at a restaurant at a leisurely pace.
---Travel. A lot. We almost always drove, even it was to the East Coast (16 hours away).
---Go for drives. (Yep, that's before gas was $4.09 a gallon).
---Read a lot of books.
---Sit through an entire church service.
---Go on double-dates with friends.
---Visit our families often.
---Spend hours cuddled up on the couch watching TV and eating snacks.
---Go for long walks.

Ahh. Don't you feel relaxed just reading that? :)

Our life now involves:

---Sleeping in maybe once a month, if that.   And it's pretty much a miracle.
---Eating in at home 99.9% of the time because taking the kids to a restaurant is disruptive, stressful, and expensive.
---Traveling long distances only by airplane, as I refuse to take two young kids on a 16-hour journey to the East Coast. And even if you broke that into two days, 8-hours a day, listening to Dora or that annoying conductor on Dinosaur Train, or worse, Thomas and Friends---no way ever.   Traveling by plane costs so much more between plane tickets, baggage fees, and a rental car. It's worth it.
---Baby E hates when the car stops for any reason. Drives aren't pleasant.
---I read, when I can, but sadly, it's so rare to get more than a few pages in.
---I haven't sat through an entire church service without getting up with one of my kids, worrying about one of my kids, or cleaning up after one of my kids since Miss E's birth. The first question I ask my husband after church: "What was the sermon about?" (Even if I was the one who got to sit through it).
---A double-date involves paying a sitter and paying for dinner. $$$ And about ten texts to and from the sitter.
---Visiting our family involves packing the entire car to the brim, praying everyone is happy and healthy, having a fab time visiting, and then coming home to recover for two days.
---We do spend a few hours on the couch every week watching TV and having dessert, but I usually get up a few times to do chores (switch laundry over, put dishes in sink to soak, or fold towels).   Most of the time we have plans to watch a movie, but by the time the kids are in bed and we've done a few odd-and-end tasks, we are too tired. Plus, most movies suck, it seems, and are total time-wasters.
---Long walks? Nope. Short walks involve thirty minutes to get them in the stroller (including packing snacks, diabetes supplies for me, water for all, airing up the stroller tires, forgetting three things...you get the picture).

I love being a mother.   Nothing is more rewarding right now than having my two girls climbing all over me, demanding my attention so they can share a silly dance move or say (gasp!) a naughty word like "poop" which makes us all giggle, and putting their sweet, tiny hands on my cheeks.

It's exhausting.

It's exhilarating.

It's fabulous.

But, my poor husband. Where does he fit in? Where do I fit in?   We are supposed to be this fab husband-wife team who are crazy in love, passionate about Jesus, awesome parents, loyal friends, dutiful family members, stellar employees.     We are supposed to put Jesus first, our spouse second, and our kids third, followed by everything else.

Um. Ok. Sure.

The other night after the kids went to bed (get your mind out of the gutter, readers, this isn't going to be a sexy-time story...hehe), we went outside to load a rug into my husband's car so he could make a Kohl's run to return the rug.     We were laughing about how it appeared we were carrying a dead body to his car. Then we hugged. The weather was incredible---warm, balmy, and clear. It was just us, outside.   It was the simplest moment. But it was so refreshing.

I hate that my priorities are constantly backward. I hate that I can't ever seem to get it right for more than a few days at a time. (Though I am reminded that, hello, I'm not perfect and I will forever be screwing up and that's where God comes in).

I am reading, when I have time, two books that I'd like to share with you.   Consider ordering a copying or requesting one from your library. I have found them to be insightful and interesting.

Love and Respect (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs): The book is redundant at times, and I haven't read every page because I got a little bored. But the overall message is that men need respect and women need love, and when one meets the need of the other, a cycle of love and respect creates a healthier, happier marriage.

Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together (Mark and Grace Driscoll): I saw the authors on The View one morning (which yep, they got grilled by those liberal ladies---but still fascinating).   The book is intriguing. The authors talk about the subjects outlined in the subtitle, and thankfully, they don't use euphemisms for sex that have me rolling my eyes.   (My favorite: "petting" and "necking"---what is it, 1950?)

I'd love to be THAT couple----the one everyone is madly jealous of. We walk into a room and people see us as passionate and energetic and soooo in-love.    Instead, we are really just so ordinary.   I hate ordinary.     I think these books are helping me learn more about how to be a better wife.

Now, hopefully I can commit to these changes beyond a day or two. ;)

Here We Are....Again: Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 02:24:00 +0000

Truth: "The system" is brimming with children waiting to be adopted.   Their pictures break.my.heart.

Truth: Many of these kids are in a sibling group---sometimes 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 or more siblings, all wanting a forever family without being split apart. And I think, my girls know their biological family members---that is a blessing. Of course these kiddos need to be adopted together. Biology matters.

Truth: Many of these kids are minority children.

Truth: In my hearts-and-roses world, I would adopt many of them. I would fill my house with brown kids.

Truth: I'm scared what these kids could bring into my home, what they could teach or do to my children, and I'm scared of their pasts and of their futures.

Truth: There are over 100,000 kids in the US, domestic orphans, waiting to be adopted. There are hundreds of thousands more in foster care who might become available for adoption.

Truth: Kids in foster care are at a high risk to become teen parents, become incarcerated, or become homeless.

Truth: I've had my kids since a few days after they were born. I have been the one to nurture them, mold them, teach them. Yes, they do, without a doubt, mirror their biological parents in many ways. However, I've been there every step of the way.   Could I take in a five year old and mold him or her into the successful, Christian human being I want them to become?    Or would it be too late?

Scary truths.

For one, I've been told that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for my family to be approved to adopt kids older than our current two.

For another, as we know, kids in foster care are in foster care for a reason, or maybe many reasons. And none of those reasons are pretty.   And can I handle that?

Oh yes, and there's this thing in my life called Diabetes. It's pretty much a huge pain in the rear end at all times.   Stress raises my blood sugars.   Oh yeah, and parenthood is stressful.   The more kids, the more stress.

Oh, and adoption, it's a lifelong commitment.   There's no turning back.    At least, I feel that's not an option for my family. I also feel that fostering is a commitment. If the kids we foster become available for adoption, wouldn't we want to say yes, we'll take them? Forever?

I like my Pottery Barn world a little too much.    What I mean is, I have it all, and I know it.    What if some of that is gone?   Am I willing to accept that?   Am I willing to turn my life upside down and inside out for the rest of my life to adopt kids who truly need a forever home?   GULP.

Steve and I are in the process of buying a new home. It's big. It's beautiful.   And there is the potential for, get this, 6 bedrooms on the top floor. Six. A lot of kids could fit into our new home.     The house sits on a large lot.   There's plenty of room for kids to run, play, imagine.

But I also know me. I like a good project. I like planning the next step.    And I don't want to treat adopting children or fostering children like a project, because it's not.   As I approach three months off work (summer, baby!), my heart is stirring. I feel uneasy. I've got to do something.

Every single time I sit in church, I think about foster care. I think about everything we could provide children---a good home, stability, homemade meals, stories, cuddles, play time outside, attention, family, joy, encouragement, an accepting church.

I think about how foster care is a ministry. God calls Christians to care for widows and orphans. What have I really done for either?   I could do something.

Every time I get gung-ho about fostering or adopting from foster care, my drive dies down, fading quickly, after just a few short days, or at best, a few weeks.     These kids need committed parents.

And the system. Sigh. The system. It's so jacked in our state.   Bio parents are catered to while children linger in the system, broken.   Not fair, I want to scream.

We have cared for two children in the past for our old adoption agency. One of these children was my oldest daughter's age. We had him for three weeks. A few days into his visit with us, Steve and I were captivated by him. I'm pretty sure he called Steve "Daddy."    He was so precious.   It was so hard to let him go after just three weeks.

I want to protect my heart. I don't want to share "my kids" with their biological family members whom I know have chosen behaviors that led to their children being taken from them.   I already don't want to send my foster kids on visits with their families.   I don't want to see the children get buckled into a social workers car and driven away.

I hate the lack of control I will have over these children.

But I just can't stop thinking about saying yes to fostering.

This post has been raw and real.   Don't judge me for my honesty and my misconceptions. I new to this fostering thing. I'm talking to foster families, I'm reading books and blogs, and I'm thinking.

And I'm scared.

Happy D-Day to Me!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:15:00 +0000

Today marks my sixth diagnosis-day anniversary.

Type I diabetes. Sigh.

As I sit to type this blog post, I have little to say, for once, about my disease.   I feel like I've already said it all between my diabetes blog, the numerous diabetes-related articles and guest blog posts, volunteering, and the monumental task of living with this disease every day.

I am hopeful that there will be a cure for type I in my lifetime. I pray that by working hard---eating healthy, exercising, carefully administering insulin, managing stress, etc.---that the cure will benefit me.    And if not a cure for me, for all the precious children who are newly diagnosed and their parents who live every day in fear and frustration as the family fights a disease that requires 24/7/365 management.     My heart goes out to those families.

Diabetes---it is what it is.   Sink or swim. Do or die.   Get educated or get buried.

I choose to live and to live well.   And I choose to not let diabetes win. Ever.

YAY for Shuttefly!

noreply@blogger.com (Rachel) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 21:15:00 +0000

One of their new customized photo books is called "An Adoption Story"---where you fill in pics from your adoption! YAY for them for recognizing adoptive families as REAL families!