Showing posts with label November. Show all posts
Showing posts with label November. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Raising Cultures Mama Keia Jones-Baldwin on Foster Care, Adoption, and Being a Multiracial Family

I had the honor of meeting Keia Jones-Baldwin after seeing her viral Facebook post when she and her family announced to the world that they'd finalized their foster son's adoption. What about Keia's family captured the internet's attention? Keia and her husband are Black, and they're raising a Black daughter, a biracial son and daughter, and now Princeton, who is white. 



In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, I wanted to get to know Keia more and share her incredible journey with you. Because as we know, there's a desperate need for foster parents in the United States.



Rachel: Like me, you have a big, multiracial family. Break it down for me: who is who?

Keia: I'm Keia Jones-Baldwin (36), and a therapist. Then there's Richardro (36), a police officer. There's Zariyah (16), Karleigh (16), Ayden (8), and Princeton (2). We live in NC.

Rachel: You're a multiracial family, with some of your adoptions being transracial. What's the reaction been to your multiracial family, especially to your white son? 




Keia: We have received so many mixed reactions. Our intention is to always try to educate others on multicultural families so that it will be normalized. We are sometimes met with rude comments and remarks such as, "Why didn't you adopt a black child?" Or "Why would you not allow him to live a better life with white parents." It is this kind of thinking that holds the world back from seeing the beauty in our differences. Differences should be celebrated and appreciated!





Rachel: You adopted from foster care. Please clear this up for everyone: if you are fostering a child, the goal is reunification, right? But if that isn't possible, then what? Did you plan to adopt, if possible, or were you shocked when your boys became available for adoption?

Keia: My husband and I were foster parents first. We had no intentions on adopting initially because we didn't know if we would have the capacity to love a child the way we loved Zariyah.  When a child comes into care, they tell you that reunification is the first plan. After they see that the paln is going in the way of adoption, they give you the option to adopt first. We had both Ayden and Princeton for 2 years before they became eligible for adoption. By that time, those were my children. I loved them, cared for them, and couldn't imagine them not being a part of my life. There was not a second thought in our minds to adopt our sons after 2 years of so many ups and downs. They deserved stability and a forever family. As parents, how could we look at our children and tell them that the only mommy and daddy they knew was no longer going to be in their lives. I would never! 

Rachel: What are some of the challenges foster parents face? Were you prepared for these, or did you learn as you went? Any resources you recommend? 

Keia: I will always tell anyone that is considering becoming a foster parent, be prepared for a child to be reunified with their birth families. It will be hard because during the time you have them in your care, you will become attached, we're human! My husband and I have a saying, "We are gap standers." We stand in the gap for the parents that are trying to get back on track in hopes of being reunified with their children. It was trial and error, we learned as we went, with each foster child. They all have different needs! Support groups for foster parents have definitely been instrumental in helping us to maintain that balance as well as the support of our families, and our foster care supervisors.

Rachel: What's the best thing someone says to your family about adoption/foster care/race? What's the worst? 



Keia: On our family blog Raising Cultures, we have met some wonderful people, other multicultural families that have given us so much hope and encouragement surrounding our decision to adopt transracially. Our motto is, "Love is Colorful." We don't all have to look alike to love alike! The worst thing someone told me was I should of left my son in the "pound" with the rest of the "white dogs" ...out of all the things I've heard and been faced with, that was probably the most disturbing and gut punching. As a Therapist, I try to keep in mind that people who think like that are bitter and living with hatred in their hearts, and that's the sad part.

Rachel: You have social media pages entitled Raising Cultures. Tell me about why you chose that name and what it means to your family.  And, what's next for your crew? 

Keia: Ah! Raising Cultures! It was literally God sent. I woke up one morning out of a dream with the words "Raising Cultures" in my spirit. I meditated on it and God provided me with the vision of the blog. I've had the blog since July 2018, that's what most people don't know! People think I just started the blog a few weeks ago in light of our adoption, but no! I started the blog to share the love my family has for one another in hopes that it will inspire others to make adoption an option! Now! Raising Cultures is this "thing"! I'm so tickled and a little bit shocked at how the page has taken on a life of itself! It's full of resources, education, and love for foster, adoption, and all families! We preach inclusion and respect! That's my cyber family! 



As for what's next! We we're just on the Kelly Clarkson Show to discuss our adoption love story! It was so exciting! It is important for multicultural families to be represented! We have to move the conversation forward about transracial and interracial adoptions, especially black families adopting children of other races so that it's not frowned upon or looked at as a "bad decision." We are now just trying to take it all in so we can start preparing for the Jones-Baldwin Turkey Day shenanigans! 




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Tuesday, November 6, 2018

National Adoption Month, With Adoptee Michelle Madrid-Branch


She's BACK!  Adoptee, mom by birth and adoption, author, speaker, podcast hostess,and truth-teller Michelle Madrid-Branch is here!  


Ya'll remember Michelle, right?  She's my go-to for adoption authenticity.  She's honest, she's encouraging, and she's empathetic.   So in honor of National Adoption Month, I invited Michelle to write to you.  She chose the topic:  "Adoption means many things:  normal is not one of them."  Riveting, right?  

Here's what Michelle wants you to know about adoption:

“Mama, my friends laughed at me today during recess. We were playing house. Someone said that I had to be the adopted one in the family, and that I wouldn’t be loved as much as the other kids who weren’t adopted.”

True words.

Elementary school.

Playground fun turned unpleasant.

I still cringe when I let myself go back in time to that afternoon. I clearly remember standing under the monkey bars with my head hung low. I felt just about as isolated and alone as a kid could feel.

Arriving home after school, I walked down the hallway and made a beeline for my mother’s room. I climbed onto her bed and crawled into the fetal position.

I began to wail.

My body trembled.

My temples throbbed.

“Mama, is adoption bad? It feels really bad. Why did my first mommy stop loving me? What did I do?”

My mother went on to explain that I had grown inside of my birth mother’s tummy and that she was not able to keep me with her once I was born. That she loved me so much that she’d made a plan so that another family could raise me. 

My mother ended the conversation with these words: 

Adoption means love. That’s all you really need to know.

But, it wasn’t.

It wasn’t all that I needed to know.


My sweet mama, wholeheartedly, meant the words that she shared with me in her bedroom that day. As an adult adoptee, and mom-by-adoption, I understand and can conceptualize that adoption does, indeed, mean love. There is so much love found within this process of delivery called adoption.

Yet, what I didn’t know as a girl in elementary school is this: there was so much more that I needed to discover, decode, and define for myself about being adopted. There was a language that needed to be learned and spoken. And, this language could not be adequately expressed with just one word: love.

No, the language of adoption needs to be fluently felt and vastly expanded upon. This language needs to be safely explored, sometimes angrily articulated, and openly shared without judgment. The language of adoption cannot be made antiseptic, or kept in a clean and tidy box. It needs to be messy.

Real.

Raw.

You see, as a child, as much as I knew my mother meant these words—adoption means love—I also knew, for all of my growing up years, that it was far too risky to share with her my true feelings: I didn’t want to be adopted.

I didn’t!

I didn’t want the title of adoptee.

I wanted to be normal.

I wanted to be like the other kids whose first mommies kept them.

As much as my mother painted a picture of adoption as normal—I felt deep within myself that it wasn’t. Adoption wasn’t normal.

Adoption isn’t normal.

It’s not normal for the ties that bind a mother and child to be severed. It’s not normal to wonder who you are, where your brown eyes came from, and why you savor the sounds of gypsy music. 

It’s not normal to wonder if the woman who gave you life ever thinks of you. It’s not normal to question whether your birth father loves you. It’s not normal to wonder if you have siblings out there, somewhere.

It’s not normal to feel judged and discriminated against because you don’t look like your adoptive family members. It’s not normal to be rejected by the parents who gave you life—no matter their reasons. It’s not normal when trust is an excruciatingly difficult concept to embrace, because trusting has proven to be a fragile exercise. It’s not normal to miss a crucial part of yourself and still not know who that person is.



Adoption is many things.

It is committing to love a child beyond the borders of bloodline. Adoption is how we are called to love one another: unconditionally. Adoption is filled with sacrifice—on all sides.  Adoption is family.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is hard. Adoption is a life-long journey. Adoption is complicated. Adoption is interconnected.

Adoption is unpredictable: it’s filled with unexpected twists and turns, entries and exits.  Adoption is life and the decisions we make. Adoption is emotional. Adoption is mysterious and—all too often—consumed by unanswered questions. Adoption is traumatic. Adoption is triumphant. Adoption is loss. Adoption is gain.

What adoption is not, is normal. Adoption is not normal. As a community, we should come to grips with this truth. What we can no longer do is avoid this fact and thus continue to force adoptees into silence, afraid to share the complexities of how they really feel. 

Let adoptees find their own language. Let them express that language fully, fluently, and freely. We don’t need to force-feed adoptees some synthetic version of reality in order to sugarcoat the adoption experience—even if our version is well intended.

We don’t need to numb down the emotions surrounding adoption—that has never been a fair approach. Adoptees have been through a profound loss. They’ve survived an abnormal occurrence. Let them express what that means to them.

Unfiltered.

Uninhibited.

This is how adoptees can move beyond trauma and on to triumph: by speaking their pain, by expressing their questions, and letting out what has been bottled up inside.

We, as their families, should understand that an adoptee’s longing for knowledge and for unvarnished truth is a natural and healthy yearning. We can no longer pretend that adoption is normal and ask of our children to play this game along with us. We should stop pretending.


We should acknowledge that adoption is not normal. And, as we do so, we free our children to express what they really feel. We give them space to share how being adopted is being experienced in their day-to-day lives. We need to encourage adoptees to share what is real. We need to hear them. We need to listen to them without judgment. We need to stand by them in this way. Let this be the new norm for adoption.

Unwaveringly.

Unendingly.

---

Love what you read?  Learn more from Michelle from her site, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and book.  

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Dear Sugar: 3 Questions to Ask Your Kids After Reading an Adoption Book

Dear Sugar,

Happy Adoption Month!

First, I'm going to posting daily adoption book suggestions on my Facebook page this entire month, so please join me!

We own a ton of adoption books, and I love reading them to the kids.  It's so important to have copies of these books in your home so that you and your children have access to them at all times, pulling out just the perfect one depending on your child's needs and stage in their adoption journey.

First, there are many, many children's adoption books out there, but I've got to tell you, I don't love all of them.   Some are too fluffy, some are inaccurate (generally speaking and/or to our family's story), and some are just plain old boring.   I don't know about you, but if I'm going to read a book to my kids, I want to enjoy it with them!   So here are some of our favorite adoption picture books.











Of course, the BEST adoption book is the one you create for your child, a Life Book, where you detail their personal adoption story.   My kids LOVE their Life Books!

Now, after you read your child the story, I suggest these three questions:

1:  How do you feel after reading this book?  

Sometimes kids have a hard time thinking beyond sad, happy, and mad.  I highly recommend these Todd Parr Feelings Flashcards as a tool to help your child express their accurate feeling in any situation or circumstance.  They are a heavy cardboard material and thick, so they work well for little hands.

2:  What's one question you have about adoption?

This may require some promptings such as:  what do you wonder about your birth parents?   Whatever your child's question is, my theory is to meet their words and expressions with education, empathy, and empowerment.  

Remember, kids are total masters at coming up with more than one question at bedtime, so prepare yourself.   Sometimes we do discuss multiple questions, but sometimes I tell them, when they are purposefully procrastinating, that we will table the discussion until tomorrow when I will be more than happy to respond to their questions.

3:  What was your favorite part of the book?  

Let them choose.  It might be a quirky detail in an illustration like one my daughters.  It might be a poignant moment in the book.

A mama-by-transracial-adoption who has been a mentor to me over the years once shared with me:  bring up adoption to your kids.  Don't wait for them to come to you.  Create opportunities to discuss adoption with honesty and empathy.  

I'm very thankful I have her in my life and have followed this advice.   Being proactive (vs. reactive) always feels good and lets our kids know that we CARE and we are open to their thoughts and feelings.

You've got this, Sugar!