My Dear Transracially Adopted Child: A Love Letter From Your Mom

Dear Child,

I write this to you because you are my sunshine, the spark in my eye, the flutter of my heart.  You are incredible.  And I'm so grateful that your birth parents chose me to be your mom.  What a tremendous honor and responsibility.  

Some things have been weighing on my heart, things I must tell you.  I hope they offer you reassurance, honesty, and most of all, love.  And not just today but through all of your days.  

You've already heard, many times, strangers convey that you are are "so lucky" to be adopted.  But let me be very clear.  We, your parents, are the lucky ones.  We are not your saviors or superheroes.  We are your parents, and we are so grateful for you.  But you, dear child?  You aren't indebted to us for adopting you.  You don't have to wear the "lucky" label.  

You have the right to feel as you do about adoption.  No one has the right to tell you that your thoughts and feelings about adoption, at any given time, are invalid or incorrect.  The only time I will "correct" you is if you state an inaccuracy surrounding your adoption.  If I know something to be a fact, I will share that with you.   

You don't have to choose between us, your parents, and your biological family.  I hope we've made that abundantly clear from day one.  You are forever part of them and forever part of us.  And we know we were "second."  You have a "first," and we, as your parents, honor that.  We won't make you ever choose between "them" and "us."  There is room for everyone.  Remember, love multiples, and true love should never divide.  

You were "fearfully and wonderfully made" by an Almighty God to do great things:  this is the truth and who you are.  We fully believe this as people of faith.  I know it may feel unfair that you weren't parented by your biological family.  But this isn't because there was something wrong with YOU.  This is a lie, an untruth, and it fosters shame, anger, confusion.  The reality is no matter which baby came to them at that point in their lives, they felt they weren't able to parent at that time.  Those reasons were deeply personal, and you absolutely can feel however you want about those reasons. 

You have every right to ask questions, and you deserve truthful, transparent answers. Whether you ask us, your biological family, the adoption social worker or lawyer, or someone else, you should get a complete picture of your adoption.  Remember what I've always taught you?  Secrets aren't OK (only "surprises"---like a birthday gift you buy someone) and are usually created to conceal, which only breeds distrust and more problems.  

Ali Cummins Photography

Your story is your business.  Which is why I work hard to protect your privacy, both online and in public spaces.  Your adoption story is sacred, and it's not available for public consumption.  Because the public?  They are fleeting.  They are "here today, gone tomorrow."  They haven't earned the right to something we hold holy.  If and when you choose to share your story, we will support you.  

The world is sometimes confused by us:  Black and white.  But their confusion is not our problem to "solve." Racism in this country is vast and deep, and I am sad that it seemingly is stagnant, if not regressing, as I write this to you.  But I want you to know that we love and celebrate you as a person of color:  your history, your culture, your appearance.  And we pray that the investments we've made in hair stylists, and mentors, and friends, and professionals, and art, and music, and books, and toys, and affirmations has impacted you positively and has shown you that you are absolutely incredible.  

I am so humbled to be the one you call "mom."  And I love you.  All of you.  Forever and ever and ever.  I love the parts of you that are happy and whole and pretty, but those aren't the only parts I love.  I love the entire you.  Which means when you process adoption and race, as you will your entire life, I will be here to empathize, to listen, to learn, and to do what I was chosen to do:  love.  

Forever yours, 

Mom

Dear Sugar: Is It OK to Be Grateful for Adoption?

Dear Sugar,

Grateful is one of those words we hear often during the holiday season, especially around this month when we celebrate "Thanks"giving.  

We know that thankfulness and gratefulness have a messy relationship with adoption.  We don't want our children, adoptees, to feel that they MUST be grateful for being adopted by us.  Even though society tells them (via all the random strangers at the grocery store) that they are "so lucky" to have "such great parents."  We have to combat this, constantly, and remind others that WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES.

But what about us, as the parents-by-adoption?  Are we allowed to feel grateful for being chosen to parent our children?  Are we allowed to thank God that our paths crossed with the (then) expectant parents who decided we were qualified to parent our kids?  

First, we parents are allowed to have feelings.  Just because we are parents-by-adoption, it doesn't mean we are immune to being human.   It's not the feelings we have that matter most, I argue, but what we do with them.  Obviously you shouldn't use your feelings to project onto your child how he or she should feel.  You embrace them as an individual and see where their journey takes them, supporting that.   

Second, if are you in the camp of being grateful, I want you to know that you aren't alone.  Being grateful for the OPPORTUNITY to parent our children is very common among parents-by-adoption. Am I grateful for the circumstances in which led their biological families to consider and choose adoption?  No.  Am I thankful that in those circumstances, they had the option to choose adoption?  Yes.  Am I thankful for the blessing of parenting my children?  Absolutely.   

Finally, we need to support our children, the adoptees, in their own feelings.  My friend Madeleine wrote this incredible book.  As an adoptee, she spends every page addressing the parent-by-adoption, offering advice and encouragement.  Do you know one thing she talks about in the book?  Being thankful for her parents and the life that she's had so far.  But this isn't just her attitude about adoption:  she lives her life steeped in gratitude.  But if you have a child who struggles with adoption, that's OK.  Because if you're an ethical, educated parent, you are going to embrace whatever comes your child's way, and you are going to help him or her navigate.  

Like anything in adoption, the answers are often complex and bittersweet.  Being grateful is not an exception.   But also like anything in adoption, you can respond to real feelings with grace, with education, with yes, gratefulness.   

What are you grateful for this month?  Let's chat on Facebook.   

Dear Sugar: When You're Called a Savior for Adopting Your Children

Dear Sugar:

If you've been a parent-by-adoption for any length of time, it's happened to you.   

You're mothering your children:  maybe selecting apples together at the grocery store, pushing your daughter on the swing at the park, or volunteering in your son's classroom.  When someone decides to proclaim you as superhero-savior for adopting. 

"Your child is so lucky!"

"There are so many children who need a good home!"

"God bless you!"

The assumption is that children who were adopted most certainly were rescued from birth parents who were young, promiscuous, poverty-stricken, drug abusers who lived in dirty, dangerous environments not fit for a child.  But thankfully, we, the parents-by-adoption, swooped in, our arms and hearts and pocketbooks open.   We who can afford beach vacations and leather furniture and sparkly Martha-Stewart Christmas trees.   We who are educated, level-headed, "fit" to parent.  We who can offer a child grandparents and homemade Valentine cards and lots and lots of love (because, after all, love conquers all).   

So much assuming and stereotyping.     

Now I'm not interested in handing out my children's stories to random strangers.  I am also not making it my life's mission to be an adoption educator while trying to help my little one calm down during an epic tantrum (which is ALWAYS seemingly the "right time" for a stranger to ask about adoption or proclaim me as some sort of super mom).   

But what I am interested in is shutting down a conversation that is quickly spiraling out of control WHILE my child is standing right beside me listening.   

When someone decides to "compliment" me as my children's savior, I always meet them with very simple, direct responses that do not invite further conversation into our private lives.   

The quickest way to address the misguided "blessing" from a stranger is to say: 

"I am the lucky one."  

"I am honored to have been chosen to parent my child."

"My children have two families who love them very much:  one by birth and one by adoption."

Because my goal (and yours) is to protect and love our children, not satisfy the curiosity of a stranger or accept a "compliment" that puts us above our children in terms of worth or value.   Our children shouldn't be forced to feel grateful for being adopted, for being moved from one family to another. They also shouldn't have to choose between their birth family and our family: because they can co-exist.   There's room for us all.  

How do you respond when someone calls you a savior or superhero?   Let's talk on Facebook!