Dear Sugar: Your Child's Story Isn't Yours to Showcase

Dear Sugar,

Recently a reader of mine submitted a new burning adoption question regarding privacy.   Why do I keep my children's names, faces, and stories private?   

In a time when ever'body knows ever'body else's business and divulging increases the popularity of bloggers, why do I stay in the shadows?   What am I so afraid of?  What am I hiding?

I was going to save my response for a new YouTube video on privacy, but when this story came across my newsfeed yesterday, I simply knew I had to tell you NOW why I do what I do, or should I say, don't do.

Here's the video:  




As a mom of four kids, all of whom have open adoptions with their birth families, I feel like we've had reunions on a much smaller (but no less meaningful) scale:  every visit is sacred and special.   Every laugh.  Every question.  Every matching smile (because WOW is the "nature" evident and so beautiful!).

Never.  Ever.  Ever would it be ok with exploiting or broadcasting these moments.

Yet I see it all the time.   The mom posting a pic of her transracial adoptee on IG with the hashtag #HIVCantStopHer.    The hopeful adoptive parent posting a picture of the baby she's matched with...the baby IN UTERO, like yes, in the expectant mother's uterus.   These are just two appalling examples.  And referring to the expectant mom as "our birth mother."  Referring to the baby (the one in utero) as "our baby girl" or "our baby boy."

Though I do share things that happen to our family, such as when my toddler was called a thug by an acquaintance, or when I was referred to, yet again, as my kids' "adoptive" mom, I do not share my children's names, faces, or personal adoption stories.  I don't share the names and faces of their birth families.

Why?

Because it's not for public consumption.

Because it's not your business.

Because it's not my story to tell.

Because privacy matters.  Privacy translates to respect.  Respect is a way of loving.

Because I don't trust strangers with intimate things.

Because anything online can never be erased.

Because I want to live a life with as few regrets as possible.

Because I take my job as a mother very seriously.

Because I believe in respecting my children's biological families and their stories.

Because I was chosen to parent my children, and this honor shouldn't be squandered.

Because I know many adoptees and birth families: and listening to them tells me it's better to err on the side of caution and privacy.

Because no amount (fleeting) praise is worth compromising my relationship with my children.  (And I did not adopt to be praised.)

Because I didn't save my children.

Because I am the lucky one.

I have been asked many times to submit photos of my kids' faces, share their names, or allow them to speak on camera or radio.   And my answer is always no.   No, I cannot answer that question.  No, I will not share why my children were placed for adoption.   No, you can't have a photo of my children. No, they won't be speaking on camera.  

Not because their voices do not matter...

but because their voices matter the MOST.   

We are not ashamed of the fact that our family was built by adoption.  But we hold some things sacred---because otherwise, they are thrown like confetti to the masses.  Obliterating their holiness.  
Today, I want to encourage you to think about the potential long-term implications of your immediate choices.  Things like who you share your child's story with.   Things like the language you use to explain adoption.   Things like the questions you choose to answer.  Things like privacy.  The pictures and videos you share.   The things you agree to.

Sugars, you, as your child's parent, have so much power and influence and responsibility.  Adoption and parenting adoptees is NOT about warm fuzzies, fame, personal satisfaction.

It's about raising happy, confident, empowered children.  It's about listening to them.  Empathizing. Learning and applying.  Teaching and guiding.  Leading by example. And that starts on the foundation of trust.

Trust is everything.

Dear Sugar: Burning Open Adoption Questions

Hi, Sugar!

Today I'm sending you over to my YouTube channel to learn more about open adoption, and as promised, here are the resources I recommended in the video.  Click on the image to learn more.




Take the Love Language online quiz here.

Hit up the author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption here.

Article & Blog Post Suggestions:

Navigating Open Adoption During the Holidays, via Adoptimist

5 Qualities You Need to Embark on an Open Adoption Journey, via Adoption.com

Arc of an Open Adoption, on Lavender Luz

You can submit your burning adoption questions via a Facebook message.  New video answering YOUR questions coming in February!

-This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

Dear Sugar: How to Make the New Year Happy (No Pie Crust Promises)

Hi, Sugar:  

I think we're all relieved that 2016 is over.   Turning the page to 2017 felt really good.   

In transparency, 2016 was on the hardest years for me for several reasons.   Our greatest joy was adopting our beautiful little girl, but every adoption process is unique.   Our recent adoption was treacherous.   I wasn't prepared for the depths and the anxiety.    

Of course, the election (the election...sigh) was stressful.   Divisive.  Exhausting.   In the past, elections for me were JUST elections...but this was significantly different.   

As we approached the end, the very end, of 2016, there were several people around me hurting in significant ways.   A sudden death of a young father and husband.   Two relatives were quite ill.   And unexpected news from home---an old friend losing a young spouse.

It seemed like 2016 was hard down to the very.  last.  minute.   

I spent Christmas Day, arguably my favorite day of the entire year, feeling like weight was on my chest and couldn't be lifted.  Despite the food, the children's giggles of delight, the warmth that radiates through rooms full of loved ones, I couldn't shake off the KNOWING that things weren't well.  All wasn't calm.  All wasn't bright.    

The losses that loved ones have faced weigh so heavily on my heart.   The brokenness.  The pending healing.   The hope colliding with devastation.    I tried so hard to focus on the Savior, that bright and bold star with its rays pointing straight to the only Hope, the Prince of Peace.  But my vision was foggy.    

Yet I sit in a nest of blessings.  My four beautiful children, happy and healthy.  My doting, dedicated husband.   My supportive extended family.   A career I love.  A warm and cozy home.    

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do in 2017.  I'm not to fond of resolutions, because they are fragile and futile.   Rarely does anyone successfully stick to them.   To me, I'm either ALL in or I'm not.   No "pie crust promises" ("easily made and easily broken," said the ever-wise Mary Poppins) here.   

If you know me in real life, you know I'm not an emotional person.   Ten years with a chronic disease and mothering four children has conditioned me to "suck it up, buttercup" and HOLD IT together.   If I fall apart, it's dominoes.   So I stand tall, push on, and persevere.   I'm a do-er.    

Lately though, through the recent heartbreaks of others, I've been thinking about learning to dance with the hard stuff.   About things like vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with being salt and light.  I've also been thinking about slowing down and appreciating what I have.  Not in a cliche way.  But a very authentic way.  

Having a "happy new year" is a choice.   It requires intention without lofty expectations.   It encourages joy and peace with what IS---even if the what IS might be sad, difficult, uncomfortable.  

I have my eyes set on a few new books, which I'll post here for you.   Some I've read, am reading, and some I hope to read very soon. 

Professionally, I'm going to pour some time into my YouTube channel.  I'm part-way through writing my new book (details coming soon).   I'm writing for Adoptimist, Babble, and Kindred + Co.   And as always, I'm enjoying engaging with my readers on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.    

I'd love to know what you're planning and hoping for in 2017.   What did 2016 teach you?   What's weighing on your heart and tugging on your soul?   

---

Books I'm treasuring in 2017---click on the image to learn more:    

-This post contains Amazon affiliate links.  

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Other random 2017 goals:

-Learn to crochet.   

-Exercise 3x a week, because I've been on a three month "maternity" leave from exercise (AKA:  LAZINESS and kids home from holiday break).  I miss my biceps.   

-Stick to my happiness list.   You can make yours in just a few seconds!  

Dear Sugar: Talking to Children About the "Birds and the Bees"

Hey, Sugar!

I know one thing many parents (whether they adopted or not) struggle with is talking to their children about "the birds and the bees."   Why?  Maybe we feel it's someone else's job.  Or we didn't have the best sex education.  Or we're uncertain.  Embarrassed.

Here's what you need to know:

1:  If a kid is old enough to ask, he/she is old enough to know.

2:  Even if a kid doesn't ask, the kid HAS thought about some of these things.

3:  Talking to kids who were adopted about their bodies, how babies are made, etc. is important for them to fully understand adoption.

4:  You want your child to get accurate information with your moral compass (because that's what parents do) applied.

5:  Talking to children about important topics is what all parents, but especially parents-by-adoption, should do.   Hard conversations need to happen in the safety and security of the home, where trust and love are built and maintained.

6:  Because you are your child's first and best teacher.

7:  Because talking about bodies is also an opportunity to talk about "no means no," consent, appropriate and inappropriate touch, etc.  Also, discuss fitness, diet, mental health, etc.  Really, "the birds and the bees" talk is really a BODY and health talk.

In April, we were matched with our daughter's expectant parents.   With each ultrasound picture we saw and each visit we had, my two oldest children had increasing questions about bodies and how babies are made and are born.   They had good questions:  how does a baby GET into a mommy?   What is a c-section?   Does a baby cry when it is born?   How old do you have to be to have a baby? Why are some babies breastfed?

Below are some resources (toys, videos, books) you can use to talk to your young-ish child.  Click on the image to learn more.   We have found these to be incredibly helpful.  And I know you have some Amazon gift cards burning in your pocket---so get to shoppin' and talking to your children about this important topic:












A few tips:

1:  Use correct terminology.  Cute names for body parts may be easier on your ears, but they can be confusing, unspecific, and cause issues if a child is having a health concern or has been approached by a sexual predator.  

2:  Answer the questions asked.  Sometimes the answer is VERY simple.  

3:  Tell your child that this is a topic that should only be discussed at home, with the doctor, etc.  Some conversations aren't appropriate for places like school.

4:  If you don't know an answer to a question, get back to the question after you've had time to research.

5: Remember this isn't a ONE time conversation.  It's an ongoing discussion.   You don't have to give your child all information at once, but you should always be truthful.

Talking about things like making and having babies can be triggering for some who have adopted.  This is one reason the conversations aren't easy for some parents.   Recognize what is difficult for you and commit to working through those things so you are ready to teach and discuss topics with your child.

*This post contains affiliate links.  

Dear Sugar: To The Mom About To Lose Her S*** at Christmastime

Dear Sugar,

This week I lost my s***.

We had spent last weekend with my husband's family.   I'd spent days, correction, weeks, preparing. Buying gifts.  Wrapping gifts.  Doing laundry.  Packing.   Cleaning up the house so it wasn't a disaster when we got home.   When we finally reached our destination, it went pretty well.   But it was, as always, a lot of sleeplessness, sugar, and swimming (hotel pool) leading to fun in the moment followed by dysregulation station (toot toot!) when we got home---which of course lasts for days.  

It wasn't one thing that threw me off.   Really it was just a culmination of little events that made me decide I was DONE.    One kid told a lie.  Another kid wouldn't stop touching the other kids' gifts, reaching out a finger to prod the toy, rendering the toy's owner to an epic meltdown.   Of course, they also had to go straight back to school for three days of nonstop Christmas "fun" which included, more sugar, more disruption in routine---it was just too much.    Then the kids wouldn't pick up after themselves.  Mess after mess was left for me.  I couldn't keep up.  Then one of my kids gave her younger brother a haircut.  A haircut.   Every single whimper had me on sensory overload.  

My anxiety was rearing it's ugly head in the form of frustration, negativity, and drastic thinking (Christmas sucks!).   I decided that eating too many Christmas cookies and drinking too much coffee was the temporary answer...of course, then I was just jittery and more frazzled.

And break hadn't even started yet.   And we still have two more Christmas family celebrations to go.

And then I started thinking about the election.   And adoption ethics.  And a slew of other things....because you know, why not when you're already in a hole of despair?

Yes, I'm being dramatic.

I'm a "suck it up, buttercup" kind of girl.  Type A.  Strong.  Determined.   Driven.  Focused.   Putting on my big girl panties and DEALING.   But not this time.  

I love Christmas.   I love everything about it:  decorations, food, music, pjs, movies, church on Christmas Eve night, visiting family, shopping, wrapping, and opening.  

But what I'd forgotten is that Christmas, the first one, was very, very simple and humble.   And it didn't involve getting upset about everything that went wrong, like teen (unmarried) pregnancy, taxes, long journeys, and no room in the inn.    It was all about what went right.

Many moms are in my boat.  WE do the food prep.  The packing.  The shopping and wrapping.  The photo-taking.   The cleaning up.

And sometimes, like in my case, I take over when my husband chips in, because I want things done MY way.  Because after all, my way is the best way, right?

WE moms do almost all the GIVING.   And we are to do so CHEERFULLY.  

Then there is not a whole lot left, is there?    Except exhaustion, resentment, and squandered expectations.   Things undone.   Disappointment.

When my husband walked in the door that day, I said, "I'm out."  I went into my room with a notebook, my laptop, and a pen.   I took a super hot shower.   Then I crawled into my bed and wrote, watched about five episodes of The Office, and just chilled out.  

It wasn't easy.   I had suffocating waves of feelings:  guilt, resentment, frustration.   How could a GOOD mother just disengage like that, at BEDTIME, of all times?   During the blessed Christmas season?!?

It took a good three and a half hours before I emerged from my cave.  All the kids were in bed.  My husband had done the dishes and was feeding the baby.   The world didn't fall apart just because I checked out to get my s*** together.  But this was NOT the attitude I wanted to carry throughout the holiday season.  

I made a few decisions during those three hours---because I'll be damned if I'm not going to have a merry Christmas and enjoy my favorite holiday.

1: I will acknowledge my own needs to have time and space.   

I will state these, asking for help.   By doing so, it won't have to get to a breaking point.   I'll be proactive vs. reactive.

2:  I'm going to say no.
No to filling our afternoons with playdates or errands.   There is nothing we need THAT badly that I'm going to venture into a crowded store with four children.   My children can play independently or together---no additional friends needed.  

3:  We're spreading out our Christmas fun.  

Extending the holiday so the pace is slower and the season is more meaningful.     If this means doing things after Christmas, great.   

4:  Simplify, simplify, simplify.   

A Christmas tradition in my family is to make homemade sugar cookies and decorate them.  I just sent my husband to the store to buy pre-made sugar cookie dough.  No mixing and chilling in advance.   When we're ready to decorate, we can have cookies ready in minutes.  

Remember Christmas is all about hope and redemption.  Remember that Christmas reminds us that people look at the outside---the surface---but our God looks (and cares) about the conditions of our heart (1 Sam. 16:7).   

How's your heart today mama?   What can you do, practically, to better that condition?   What do you NEED in order to lean in to your Savior this Christmas?    

Make a list.

And don't check it twice.  

Don't apologize for having needs.  Don't revise the list.  Or edit it.   Or be ashamed of it.

Jesus came for you, too.   

  

Dear Sugar: Stocking Stuffers for Young(ish) Black Girl

Dear Sugar:

Christmas is  DAYS away.  If you've procrastinated, I've got you covered!  Here are some stocking stuffer suggestions for Black girls.  We own many of these products!  Suggestions include toys, books, hair and body products, DVDs, apparel, and music.

**Click on the graphic to learn more about the product**

*This post contains affiliate links