Answers

These past few months have been difficult, adoption wise, for one of my kiddos.    She's asking HARD questions.  Demanding answers I don't want to give her.   Yet, I'm educated enough in adoption to know that it's time.  Hiding isn't ok. 

I want to protect her little heart.

I want her to be full of joy, confidence, possibility.

But adoption is, in the best way I can describe it, bittersweet.  

And in my adoptive mama heart, I fear that the brokenness that brought my children to me will turn their joy into pain, their confidence into doubt, their possibility into prisons. 

It was a winter day that was hinting at spring. 

She made statement that was more like a question.

I took a deep breath and mentally begged God to tell me how to respond.  Because I knew this moment was coming.  I had rehearsed what I would say, but it never sounded right.  It was never satisfying.  It was never transparent enough.  My rehearsed response was wordy, off-target, and jumbled.

I knew this was defining moment.  I knew I had to do this well.

I took her hands in mine, looked her in her large brown imploring eyes, and spoke calmly.  Honestly.  Simply.

Next, a five minute mom-and-child hug.  We were both silent, sitting on the edge my bathtub, her little legs wrapped around my waist.   Sunlight streaming in through the picture window.

I didn't rush her.  I didn't let go until she did.  I just sat.  Breathed.  Hoped.  

A few days later, I was putting my girls to bed.  As part of our routine, I turned on a CD I had created for them to help ease them to sleep.  After tucking the girls into their beds, I adjusted the volume of the CD player only to pause as I heard the familiar lyrics of Casting Crowns' "Love Them Like Jesus":  and God offered me a gentle reminder.

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

 

I have tried six times to write a conclusion to this blog post.  Nothing sounds right.  Nothing fits or flows.   So I'll simply say this:  I am just as broken as the next adoptive mom.   I'm just as strong as her, too.   And I will not ever have all the answers.    All I can do successfully is love.