Just as I've said that when we're parenting children of color, we must work hard to bring them up since the world works hard to tear them down, I believe the same of adoptees. Society works hard to bring adoptees down, and as parents, we must work even harder to build our children up. They will face plenty of doubts, fears, and confusion on their own when processing their adoptions--and when we layer on adoptee stereotypes--it's complicated. And heartbreaking. And yes, this can happen even to children who were adopted as infants.
Being an adoptee is no "walk in the park" from what I've experienced and from what adoptees have shared with me. This is another reason why parents must be a trusted, safe, supportive home for their child.
Here are five things adoptive parents need to sincerely say to their adopted children:
1: I believe you.
When your adoptee trusts you enough to share their truths with you--on any topic--but especially regarding adoption, you should always, always response with empathy. One way to be empathetic is to say (and show) your child that you believe them.
Their feelings are valid. Their feelings are real. And you can either hold those sacred or reject them. It's better to choose to hold those sacred and respond to them with empathy.
If you're struggling to accept your child's emotions--work on your own issues as this parenting expert suggests. He explains how to do this--and why--in his book Parenting From the Inside Out.
2: I support you.
When you know your adoptee's feelings, you need to support your child in what they do with those. Perhaps it's counseling. Perhaps it's reaching out to birth family or searching for birth family. Perhaps it's forging a new path. Perhaps it's something else. Whatever it is, offer empathy and then support. Be the parent you were chosen to be.
3: I am proud of you.
You're not just proud of your child for sharing and processing their feelings. You are proud of your child for who they are--their personalities, their gifts, their quirks. You are a proud parent, and you need to say that to your child freely. Don't assume your child knows you are proud of them. Speak it often and sincerely.
4: I love all of you.
Sometimes adoptees feel the need to hide parts of themselves--like their race, their special needs, their trauma, their questions--because they are fearful those won't be accepted and not just accepted, but embraced. We need to love our entire child--not just the "nurture" parts. Our children came with their "nature"--their biology--and that is important. Loving the whole child, all of the child, is our honor.
5: I am thankful for you.
I tell my kids all the time, "Of all the parents in the world, I was lucky enough to be chosen by your birth parents to be your mom." I am the lucky one--and I'm also thankful. I never push on my children that they should feel grateful for being adopted. How they feel is up to them, and my job is to offer love, support, encouragement, and resources. I'm also so very blessed to be chosen for the kids I have--because I, like all parents, think I have the best kids in the world.
What do you say to your adoptees, and why?
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