Dear Sugar: Adoption Represented on Doc McStuffins

Dear Sugar:

As Black History Month draws to a close, I'd like to tell you how much our family loves the show Doc McStuffins.  First, the show portrays a Black family in a positive light.   Doc's mom is a doctor.   The dad is highly involved with the kids.   Second, of course, the main character is a Black girl:  she's imaginative, she's smart, she's kind, and she's adorable.   Third, the show focuses on kindness, science, and social skills.   

I'm excited to share with you that the McStuffins family will be adopting a baby.  

Yes, you read that correctly!   

(Yet another reason to love the show...if the present adoption well.  Those of us in the adoption community are not easy to please!)

Set your DVR for Disney Jr., 8 a.m. EST, on the following dates:

Friday, March 4
Friday, March 11
Friday, March 18
Friday, March 25
Friday, April 1

This isn't the first time the show has discussed adoption.  

Dear Sugar: If You Adopt Transracially...

Dear Sugar,

It's Black History Month and as we continue to celebrate, I want to address something very important, especially for those new to transracial adoption or those considering it.   

I was recently part of an online discussion about race...this was IN a transracial adoption group.  I was shocked at how divided the members were when it came to the topic we were discussing, essentially:  #blacklivesmatter.  

There was a debate about #alllivesmater vs. #blacklivesmatter, supporting police officers, etc.   

Now, if you know me and my writing, you know that I firmly believe that each parent is doing the best job she can with what she has and knows.  You know that I don't care about a lot of parenting choices others make.    I'm not going to get up into your parental business, and I'd appreciate you staying out of mine.

HOWEVER, when it comes to adopting transracially, I have an opinion or two.  Now before you think this is just a personal rant, it's not.  My feelings are based on nearly a decade in the adoption community:  based on things I've read, things I've heard, things I've discussed, and of course, personal experience.   

I want you to know that the following comes straight out of my heart.   It comes from experience and understanding and empathy.  It comes from a wiser, older, more taught me.   

-If you adopt transracially, your child shouldn't be the only child of color in your neighborhood, in their class at school, at church, etc.  

-If you adopt transracially, you need a diverse group of friends, including many friends who racially match your child.   

-If you adopt transracially, you need to listen to adult, transracial adoptees who plead with today's parents to not repeat the mistakes and mishaps of parents from ten, twenty, thirty years ago.  

-If you adopt transracially, you need to fill your home with books, toys, art, music, films, etc. that reflect your child's racial culture.  

-If you adopt transracially, you need to ask for help.   It's cliche and true:  it takes a village.   This might be help doing your child's hair.  This might be help navigating a racially unjust situation.  IF you have a diverse group of friends, asking for help isn't a BIG deal.  But when you don't have a diverse group of friends, the yes, going up to strangers and pleading for their help is weird...and really, unnecessary.   

-If you adopt transracially, not every opinion and voice out there is going to be best for you and your family, but SOME of them will be.   It's best if you humble yourself, listen, and learn.    

-If you adopt transracially, without question, without hesitation, without explanation or excuse #BlackLivesMatter .   Now, to clear up any confusion, as I did in the online discussion I mentioned, #BlackLivesMatter isn't anti-police and it isn't anti-White people.   Black Lives Matter is about advocating for Black people to have the same rights and respect as White people and police officers, and it's about bringing attention to the many unnecessarily murders of Black people over the past few years.

-If you adopt transracially, you'd better be willing to disconnect from anyone (relative, friend, neighbor, etc.) who is racist.  There is no choice here.  Your child is the one you stand up for.  

-If you adopt transracially, seriously consider adopting more than one child of the same race.  A child needs to feel supported racially as well as through shared adoption feelings and experiences.  

-If you adopt transracially, when a person of color tells you something (shares hair advice, says that something that happened to him/her was racist, etc.), shut your mouth and listen.   You are not the judge of their situation.  You aren't Black, you will never be Black, and you won't be able to be the best parent to your child unless you LISTEN and LEARN.

-If you adopt transracially, you need to always listen to your child. 

-If you adopt transracially, you need to teach your child Black history.  Do not rely on the school systems do this for your child.  (As a former college teacher, I can attest that my little ones know more than some college students in terms of their racial history, which of course is quite sad.)  Of course, in order to teach your child, you need to know Black history yourself.  I get that this might be intimidating for any parent, given that Black history isn't emphasized (at all) in school; this is why I wrote my book Homeschooling Your Young Black Child:  A Simple Getting Started Guide and Workbook.  

-If you adopt transracially, you are raising a child of color to become an adult of color.  This means you cannot rely on your own (White) experiences and understanding.  Again, this is why you have a village!  

- If you adopt transracially, consider having a same-race mentor for your child.  Our girls' mentor has been with us for three years, and she's become part of our family.  We love her dearly!  

-If you adopt transracially, be willing to stand up to ANY type of injustice:  racism, sexism, ageism, etc.  Teach your children to SPEAK UP and stand up for others.   

-If you adopt transracially, please do not talk about colorblindness being a real thing. COLOR SHOULD BE CELEBRATED AND ACKNOWLEDGED; NEVER IGNORED.   Colorblindness DOES NOT EXIST.   

-If you adopt transracially, know that your education NEVER ends.  You should be reading books and articles, watching documentaries, reading Black-edited and written magazines, taking classes, going to conferences, listening to Podcasts, etc.  Again, not every voice you read/hear is right for you and your family, but there are SOME voices that are.   

-If you adopt transracially, be willing to step up and educate others.  Ask your library if you can help put together a Black History Month display.  Start or join a transracial adoption support group.  Add to your child's classroom library or toy collection (with items that racially support your child).  

Not every step you take will be the right one.  Not every word you speak will be perfect.  Racial issues are uncomfortable.  But discomfort and growth are much better than complacency and ignorance. 

I urge you this week to fight burying your head in the sand or fight like hell to prove that all lives matter is right.  I urge you to lay down your pride.  I urge you to listen.  I urge you to ask questions.  I urge you to consider.  I urge you to do whatever you have to do to make sure you are doing the very best for your child.

If you are considering adopting transracially, I do not wish to scare you.  There are many, many wonderful transracial families formed by adoption who are doing the very best they can and are learning and growing and flourishing.   I don't want you to think you can just NEVER get this thing right.  Because that isn't true.   You just need to press on in education and with open hearts and minds.  

For more on all-things-transracial-adoption, you can get my book COME RAIN OR COME SHINE: A WHITE PARENT'S GUIDE TO ADOPTING AND PARENTING BLACK CHILDREN from Amazon as a paperback or e-book.  

I want to leave you with a few Bible verses to mull over.  Whether you are a person of faith or not, there is wisdom here:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. (Phil. 2:3)

When pride comes, then comes disgrace,

but with humility comes wisdom. (Prov. 11:2)

Dear Sugar: Teaching Through Travel

Dear Sugar,

Happy Black History Month! 

Last week our family traveled to Indianapolis.  We only live three hours from there, but we'd never ventured there before.  Our initial motivation for the visit was to meet Rachel Macy Stafford (the Hands Free Mama), but as we researched Indy, we found that there were some great cultural opportunities!

Everyone told us we just had to visit the Indy Children's Museum.   Our kids enjoyed the giant chocolate slide, the princesses and pirates room, seeing a Darth Vader race car, visiting "China," and many more.  But what go to us was the room where kids and parents could get an in-depth understanding of the stories of three people:  Ryan White, Anne Frank, and Ruby Bridges.  This was appropriately named:  The Power of Children.  

My girls are familiar with Ruby's story.  In fact, Ruby is one of the ten females featured in my first children's book Black Girls Can: An Empowering Story of Yesterdays and Todays.  She's also in two poems in my second book Poems for the Smart, Spunky, and Sensational Black Girl.  I feel a connection to young Ruby, knowing she was so close to my daughters' ages when she pioneered integrating an all-White school.   Unlike many other equality-warriors, Ruby fought for rights as a little girl, as a child.   

Our family walked into a school room to learn more about Ruby.  Surrounding the entrance were cutouts of angry White people holding signs of protest, and an overhead speakers, voices chanted, "We won't integrate!"   Inside the classroom were workbooks from Ruby's time, alongside the pages was a question:  How would you feel if you never saw someone who looked like you in a book?  

We saw a "whites only" water foundation, mini models of the KKK, and much, much more.

I was an emotional mess the entire time.  

There were warning signs, stating the displays featuring the three children and their stories, were most appropriate for ages eight and up.   I questioned if I was doing the right thing, letting my kids meander from room to room, looking at pictures and objects.   

Then I asked myself, did Ruby, Ryan, and Anne have a choice at what age they faced their battles? There was no "age suggestion" for them.   They were making history.  They were history.  

I want my kids to know their history and respect and honor those who fought for the freedoms they, as people of color have, and our family as a whole has.   I want them to be proud of their culture, their skin color, their history.   

It's hard to swallow, though.  Knowing people who shared my skin color were the ones trying to scare sweet Ruby into not attending the school, one woman even stuffing a Black doll into a coffin and thrusting it into Ruby's line of vision to intimidate the little girl.   

I shared on IG and Twitter the other day that my daughter had been reading a biography on MLK, and one night she said she didn't want to read the book again.  I asked why, and she said because of the "devils."  She showed me an illustration from the book:  a sketch of the KKK standing by a burning cross.

Gulp.

I told her the KKK was/is a group of cowards who hide behind their costumes.  They are evil people who don't like Black people.   

And I thought about when my oldest was a baby and we took her to Memphis.  We saw the hotel balcony MLK was standing on when he was shot.   And then I also had this moment where I wondered if I should really be taking my infant daughter to a place where so much evil culminated.   Where MLK's life was stolen from him.

I have to remind myself that the story isn't about the ending or the beginning.  It's about the journey.  It's about Ruby walking into her school, day after day.  It's about MLK marching and speaking and writing.  It's about the choices these individuals made:  like when Ruby said that her reaction to the "haters" who screamed at her was to pray for them.   

We will continue to take our children places so they can learn about the people, locations, and objects they read about in the many books we own and borrow from the library.   We will continue to show them what making a difference means.  We will continue to empower them as people of color, deliberately, no matter how uncomfortable and terrifying it can be.   

We won't choose silence.  We won't sugar-coat.  We won't shush.  We won't hide.   

We will teach the babies.   

 As you continue to celebrate Black History Month, may you have the courage and dedication to teach, to learn, and to listen to the heroes of the past.  

Dear Sugar: Black History Month and Inferiority

Dear Sugar,

Happy Black History Month!   

This is a month that is very special for our family.  We spend a lot of time reading our favorite books, listening to music, examining art, watching YouTube videos, etc.---all featuring Black people.  We do this year round, but we put a special emphasis on these things during this month.

Lately, I've seen this quote circulating social media:  

Typically, this is something I'd pin under "Random Goodness."  But this quote doesn't sit well with me, and here's why:

Though it's true that where we mentally linger can be a choice, what we feel and our reactions to situations aren't always a choice.  When something happens, our immediate head and heart responses just are what they are.  

When I think about the significance of this month, I also think about the evil-ugly things that happen to people of color, including my children.  

I think about what's going on in Flint.  

I think about the all-White Oscar nominations.  

I think about Tamir Rice.  

I think about what these things mean for my children, what messages they send.  

I think about my neighboring communities of Ferguson and Columbia (where Mizzou is located).  

I think about the time a young man drove by my home and yelled the n-word twice at my daughters who were riding bikes in our driveway.

I think about the woman who called my two-year-old son a "cute little thug."  

The American spirit, the dream tell us we can be and do anything, and that the heights we reach are within our control.  We are our own ceilings.  But this is not true.  

Just like "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is not true.   

Feeling inferior can come upon someone immediately by a single, powerful, historically heavy word being yelled. Feeling inferior can come upon someone when they aren't greeted by a store cashier, but the next customer, a White woman, is greeted. 

When messages of less-than are hammered into a person for his or her entire life---by strangers, by the media, by films, by magazine advertisements, by textbooks, by toys (yes, even toys), by characters---inferiority is inevitable.   

Even as a mom who carefully monitors the media my children are exposed to, I cannot protect them forever.  There are a lot of people and things telling people of color that they are not of equal value to a person with less melanin.  

Feeling inferior is lurking.  It's inevitable.   It's scary.  

Black History Month matters because I can show my children examples of those who, despite great odds, were able to accomplish so much.  I can show them what it means to hold their heads high.  I can show them that challenges are opportunities.   I can teach them that God created them for a purpose and is on their side.  I can teach them that hurting people hurt people.  I can teach them to be the change.  

Above all, I can teach them that though there will be bouts of inferiority, sometimes so strong it feels like an emotional tidal wave, the choice is this:  to linger in that darkness or to reject the lies, the hatred, and the inequality.   To not entertain it. To call it out for exactly what it is.  To stand up to it. 

Sugars, this month, no matter the race of your babies, know that teaching Black history is critical.  Especially in today's racial climate.  

Thank you for being here, and I cannot wait to hear how you are celebrating this month.  Drop me a comment over on my Facebook page.

---

Here are my two children's books to help your daughter celebrate and KNOW her history!  Click on the pics for links.  

Dear Sugar: Don't Get Too Busy That You Forget What's Most Important When You are Parenting a Child By Transracial Adoption

Dear Sugar:

I love finding books, dolls, movies, music, tv shows, art, even bedding that feature kids of color.  I get giddy-excited.  The same goes for greeting cards and Christmas ornaments/decor.   I love showing my kids how beautiful their skin is, how wonderful Black culture is, why Black history matters.

Lately on social media, I've seen many, many posts asking where to find Black dolls, Black books, Black movies for kids.  I think the increasingly awareness and willingness to purchase these items for children of color is fantastic.  

But...

I want you to know that all the art on the walls, all the books on the shelves, all the music on the playlist, all the toys in the bins:  these are important, but they are not the MOST important.

When I talk to parents who have recently adopted transracially or are considering to do so, they are often receptive to me sharing the importance of filling the home with art, toys, books.  But when I talk about living, working, and playing among diversity, I can practically hear a GULP.

For one, parents by adoption feel a reign of constant evaluation and judgement from the general public.  The parent is rendered a hero and savior (not true) or a less-than, not "real" parent because they didn't biologically conceive and birth the child.   Adoption can be isolating, overwhelming, and daunting.   To willingly subject oneself to making new friends and meeting new people can be very hard for families like mine.   I get it.

So many parents opt to be wallflowers.   It's easier.  Avoid eye contact.  Don't ask questions.

This is not the way to go.  For one, you NEED a village around you to navigate parenting when you've adopted or are in the adoption process.  For another, you NEED relationships with people who racially match your child.  And your children need relationships with people who racially match themselves.

As I've said before, if you are parenting a child by transracial adoption, you are not enough.    The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.

Making new friends requires humbleness.  It requires you to listen and learn.  It requires you to be honest.  And it definitely requires a big dose of vulnerability.  

Your child needs you to be willing.   Your White friends cannot be your Black child's racial role models.  You, as a White parent, cannot be your Black child's racial role model.   No matter how much you teach your child Black history (something that is certainly valuable and important), a Black role model you see in the media isn't going to be there for your child when someone excludes them or suspects them because of the child's brown skin.  

Besides any personal friends of yours (who racially match your child) with whom your child can see and interact with, it's important to help your child find and develop relationships with:






1:  Someone at school.  A principal, a teacher, the librarian---someone.  Someone they see on a frequent basis.

2:  Their hair braider/barber.  This person can nurture the child in a way that's been done for many years:  a Black adult helping a child maintain their appearance while conversing with them.

3:  A mentor.   I've shared many times that my girls have a Black, female, Christian mentor who is an incredible role model and family friend.  






Now, I've been asked, does all this seem calculated?  Planned?  

Yes.

Having these individuals in my children's lives is intentional.  And proactive.  And mindful.  And realistic.

Yes, it takes time.

Yes, not every person of color you meet is going to be your friend.

Yes, your friends will change over time.

Yes, you will make mistakes, stumble, and eat a lot of humble pie.

That is okay.  Because making an effort and accepting the successes with the failures is better than not trying at all.  

From personal experience, I have never, not once, approached a person of color to ask about a hair product or style, for example, and been turned away or shamed.   I greatly appreciate that in Black culture, community is valued.   I see this beautifully when a person of color refers to my kids as "we" and "us"---including my children in the collective Black community and experience.   Questions are welcomed, it seems.

You need to wholly accept your children, appreciate them, nurture them, and celebrate them, and to do this, face to face, honest relationships are required.

This week I want to challenge you to be brave.  Take steps.  Extend hands and hearts.  Convey to your children that they matter.  Accept your role as their parent, but not their only navigator through life.   Ask God to bring the right people into your life and give you the courage to be vulnerable.  

You've got this!

For more, follow me on social media and check out my books.  All links in the right-hand column.  

Dear Sugars: Be Thankful in ALL Circumstances

Dear Sugars,

I grew up in church.  We were pretty much Baptists where we youth group kids earned t-shirts and candy bars by memorizing Bible verses.   

Have you read that verse in 1 Thessalonians?  It's 5:18.

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

GULP.  

ALL circumstances?   

Like, thank you God that my children have opened a box of tampons in the middle of Target and are throwing them like confetti while I frantically pick them up and stuff them back in the box?

Like, thank you God that my diabetes is being a total a-hole today, a feel like death, and I have no fewer than five places I have to be today?  

Like, thank you God that my dryer just stopped working and my son has no clean bedding?  

What about all the ladies out there waiting for their first baby by adoption?  

Thank you God that I wasn't chosen .... again.

Thank you God that my body is broken, and I'm a hot crying mess all the time.  

Thank you God my husband is hesitant to embark on an adoption journey.

Thank you God that my paperwork is delayed...nope, wait.  It's missing.   

Thank you God that ANOTHER friend of mine is pregnant.  

If you are in a thanks-but-no-thanks place today, I get it.   Last year, my dear friend Madeleine and I wrote a book called Encouragement for the Adoption and Parenting Journey: 52 Devotions and a Journal.   Between us, we have six kids.  Madeleine is an adoptee who wrote an incredible book called Dear Adoptive Parents (that I highly recommend!).   We wrote this book because we HAD to.  There's this place where faith and adoption intersect and it can just be pretty murky and confusing and gray and disheartening.  

There are times you don't want to be thankful.  You have not an ounce of energy left in you to even utter the words, much less think them!   How can we be thankful when everything seems to bleak?  When hope is a concept and not a reality?

First, God can handle your BIG emotions.  It's ok to get real with Him. He already knows what you're thinking and feeling and struggling with.  There's no point in making it more "pretty" and flowery and presenting it to Jesus with your lipstick and pearls on.   Messy honesty is ok.  

Second, God sees the bigger picture, beyond the moment.  There is a plan.  There is a future and hope.  

Third, there is a season for everything, and waiting, frustrating, fear...well, those are natural seasons that occur (and re-occur) in adoption.  These are the times you are getting refined.  You are getting prepared.   There is a purpose for the pain.  

When I think of being thankful in all circumstances, I think about looking at what there is that is good RIGHT NOW while still yearning for something in the future.

Thank you God that I can afford to embark on an adoption journey.

Thank you God that I have friends who will celebrate with me when my baby arrives.

Thank you God that an expectant mother chose to parent her baby if that's what she believes is best.

Thank you God that I have a supportive spouse.

As you journey, just know what Madeleine and I have both "been there, done that," and our book is intentionally written to meet you where you are:  mascara running down your face and all.  

I'm cheering for you, Sugar!  

Dear Sugars: Aggressive vs. Assertive

Dear Sugars,

Do you remember that cheer from the 90s?  "Be AGGRESSIVE!  BE-E AGGRESSIVE!"

(You are welcome for getting that stuck in your head for the whole day.)

Let's talk about aggressiveness.

If you haven't already faced a lot of questions about your family makeup, you will.  Adoption brings out people's inner detective.  They simply MUST know why you didn't have your "own" children, how much you paid to adopt your child, if your kids are "real" siblings, what country your kids are from, and the social and medical history of your child's biological parents.

I recall last year when my family and I were exiting a row of seats after my middle child's basketball game.  A woman approached me, blocking us from leaving the aisle.  Her face was mere inches from mine.

The interrogation began.  

Lady:  "Are your kids real siblings?"

Me:  "Um, yes."

Lady:  "But are they really real siblings?"

Me:  "Yes."

Lady:  "Did you adopt them at the same time?"

Me:  Pauses to look down.  My daughters are on either side of me, brown eyes imploring, ears listening.  

Me to lady:  "That's really none of your business."



Whoa.  That's the first time I had ever said that to someone.  But for some reason, I felt like I HAD to.  It took some courage, but it just felt, well, right.  

Lady to my oldest:  "Do you like getting your hair done?  It's so pretty!"

Me:  Moves forward, thereby forcing the lady to allow us to exit.   I had to do this before I went all un-Jesus on her.

Later, I asked my girls if they heard what happened.  My oldest seemed uninterested, but my four-year-old said, "You told that lady it was none of her business."

They were listening. They were learning.  They were observing.

That day I learned something important about responding to people.   There's a difference between being aggressive vs. assertive.

Aggressive is antagonizing.  It invites unrest, discord.  It encourages battle, more opinions.  Aggressive is selfish.  It's about release, one-upping, and "winning."  It's about insulting and diminishing.

Assertive is about being confident.  It's about ending the conversation on your terms and the terms that are best for the children.  It invites closure, peace, honesty, and strength.   It puts the person in their place without putting them down.

I know people are curious.  I know they don't know all the right words and terminology.  But my job as a mother isn't to pat the bottoms of strangers and give them the warm fuzzies.   My obligation is to my children.

Thus, I teach them that their voice and feels and stories matter.  They matter so much, that I'm not handing their stories out like grandma's hand out cookies.   Privacy is ok.   Telling adults "nope" is ok.  Standing up for your personal rights is ok.  And until they are old enough to do it themselves, I'm certainly going to do it for them.

As women, we often feel the need to be kind, apologetic, and polite.  We don't want to be deemed rude, bitchy, or moody.  We are expected, still in 2016, to be gentle with the feelings of others.  I invite you to consider what's more important:  your child's well-being or another person's perception of you.

The next time you are confronted by someone and their tone, their question or comment, their gesture (such as trying to touch your child's braids) is inappropriate, offensive, and/or intrusive (even if it's not their intention), I want you to remember that you are the mother.  You are instilling in your children that they matter.

Instead of doing nothing (passive), or being aggressive, try this:

Be assertive!  Be-e assertive!

You won't regret it!


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For more on race and adoption, please follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.   I have five books available on Amazon.