Dear Sugar: Meet Jill Murphy, Mom by Birth and Adoption

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I "met" Jill Murphy online.  Soon after, she published her memoir Finding Motherhood, and I was blown away.  Jill placed a son for adoption, then later faced infertility which led her to choosing to adoption two girls internationally. Her story is one that offers us a unique perspective of mothering, loving, mourning, and rejoicing.  

Rachel:  You have a unique connection in that you're a birth mother and a mom-by-adoption.  What have these two experiences and ways of mothering taught you about adoption?  

Jill:  It is a unique situation. It has taught me that there are different ways of becoming a mother. And that falling in love with a child may take time. With my birth son I always loved him. That strong love I had for him help me know that he needed more than I could give at the young age of 18. It was a love that put his needs before my wants. Once we were reunited, I fell in love with him - it was like meeting a stranger and developing the love you feel after you get to know someone. Confusing I know! My daughters I feel as tho I fell in love the minute I saw their picture from the adoption agency and got to hold them in my arms. I would say the one beautiful gift I received with being on both sides of adoption is understanding it better. I am a birth mom of my son - but he has his real mom - I respect that and honor that 100%. I thought of him every day  of his life...wondering how he was and hoping nothing but love and happiness. That made it easy when my daughter asked "I wonder if my birth mom ever thinks about me?" - I could tell her that absolutely she does. I have walked her journey and can use my experience to help sooth the wonder and curiosity of my daughters. I think it has also helped my feel confident in my relationship with my daughters - if they ever wanted to seek their birth mothers, I would be onboard 100%. 

Rachel:  You wrote a book called FINDING MOTHERHOOD.  What compelled you to put your story on paper?  What has the response been like? 

Jill:  When I found my birth son 7 years ago - he was 22. I had realized that a lot of me feelings of loss and grieving never really got processed. It took me 22 years to open up the "closed drawer of feelings". It took my breath away how much healing I had needed. I needed to grieve the loss of placing a child, then the loss of infertility realizing I would never carry a baby with my husband and then the feelings you go through with adoption - proving you are good enough to be someone's mother. A lot of feelings all at once. I started blogging about it and thought that maybe my story could help someone else - there will always be a scared pregnant teen out there, a couple experiencing infertility and couple who adopt...so my book came to be. I have had such a great response. The stories from people of how they had a hard time conceiving, to others who have been adopted and searching. I love connecting with others who share even part pf my story. 

Rachel:  For someone who is considering adopting a child, what advice do you have? 
  

Jill:  My advice for others adopting.....be patient and have a good pen! You feel lost in paperwork, but it is so worth it!!! Patience is key! It is not your traditional 9 month pregnancy...and if you know that going in, you will feel better. Also one thing I wish ALL adoptive parents knew - especially with closed adoptions - is that when a child searches for their birth parents, it is a normal thing. It has nothing to do with YOU as parents. It is all about finding who they look like, where they come from and learning their story before being adopted. It is for the adoptee about finding that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish all adoptive parents could know that and be supportive to their child if and when that day comes. SO many adult adoptees that I know always say "It would kill my parents if they knew I was searching" or "I don't want to hurt their feelings". It is a normal healthy thing to want to find out your past. 

Rachel: What about for someone who is already parenting and has children who are old enough to ask the "big" and "hard" questions about adoption?   

Jill:  Always BE HONEST. I think more so now a days it is open and talked about. Adoption isn't a big bad scary secret that parents keep anymore. The biggest disservice you can give your child is not being honest about them. Talk openly about it - answer questions the best way the age of the child needs. When I met my birth son my girls were 7 and 9 - of course they knew they were adopted because they are Korean and do not look anything like us. But when I had to talk about the choice I made for my son - I had to tell them in a way they could understand. I simply said some woman can carry a baby in their belly AND be a mommy. Some woman can carry a baby in their belly but aren't ready to a mom - maybe they aren't married or too young to be a good mommy and then there are woman that CAN be a good mommy but not carry a baby in their belly. God matches up people. They understood that. As they got older we would talk more about it. Now that they are teens our conversations are much different - as you can imagine! :) 

Rachel:  What are three things you're loving right now?

Jill: Three things I am loving right now...just 3??? Let's see - a quiet cup of coffee in the morning when the rest of the house is sleeping, sunshine of summer and trying to binge watch shows! I love me some TV!

Dear Sugar: Meet Katie Naftzger, International, Transracial Adoptee and Adoption Therapist, on Parenting Adopted Teenagers

Dear Sugar,

Today I'm so thrilled to share with you my interview with Katie Naftzger!  She is an adoptee (international and transracial) and an adoption therapist.  She's the author of Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years, and let me tell you, every single parent-by-adoption should read this book. Even if you aren't parenting a teen, I encourage you to read the book because being proactive is so important!

Katie:  I'm a Korean-born, transracially, internationally adopted therapist. I have a younger sister who is also a Korean-adoptee but not biologically related. I grew up in urban Chicago, where issues of race, class and safety, were ever-present and interwoven into our lives. It was before most adoptive parents sought out therapy, unless they were in undeniable crisis. There were no online forums or groups. Perhaps because of this, I learned so much from my face-to-face, real time moments and relationships. My public high school was over 80% Black. I was truly a minority in a different way than I am now. Those were learning years for me. 

Being Asian in high school brought with it a specific set of issues - many Asians had recently immigrated, high-achieving but extremely low-income. I felt my privilege as someone who didn’t have to work to be here, but I also felt lost compared to them. They seemed to know who they were and where they were going in ways that I didn't. I tried to include extracurricular activities that didn't put race in the forefront, like playing flute. I played in this prestigious competition where the judges were behind a screen. For that moment, I was faceless and raceless which felt strangely liberating. 

I admired my adoptive parent's passion in continually taking steps to try to level the playing field, in their work with marginalized populations. But, they underestimated what my sister and I needed. This is the book that my parents didn’t have. 

As a psychotherapist I work primarily with adopted teens, young adults and families. I help adoptive families to feel more empowered, connected and more optimistic about the future. I’ve had the privilege of meeting with hundreds of adoptees who share feelings and experiences that they’ve never explored with someone else! And, in those conversations, I’m continually asking myself three questions: 

What are they trying to tell me?

What do they need from me?

How can I address those needs? 

One thing that I’ve learned in depth over the years is just how important their adoptive parents are to them. What they need from you is laid out in the four tasks outlined in the book - “unrescuing,” setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future.

Rachel:  You authored a new book about adoption and the teen years.   Why do parents of adoptees NEED to read this book?  

Katie:  What I was seeing was that many adoptive parents were parenting that they did when their teen was younger. And, unfortunately, what had worked in the past wasn’t working anymore. And, sometimes it even backfired. Their relationship suffered and the teen often felt unprepared for young adulthood. The goals change a lot in the teen years. When they were younger it was about reassurance, security and comfort. In the teen years, helping them to feel more empowered, competent and authentic is key. This book is not just about why that’s important, but offers adoptive parents ways to apply those insights. 

This is book is unique in that it is geared for every adoptive parent, whether you’re coasting or in crisis. It is not pathologizing or minimizing. Our reaction and lived experience as adoptees is not predetermined. That said, there are inherent losses in the narrative which are important to understand, which for many adoptees, remain unspoken, especially with those who aren’t adoptees.

The stakes are so high. The more grounded, informed and empowered you feel, the more access you’ll have to the changing needs of your adopted teen. Even seemingly small changes make all of the difference in the long run.

Rachel:  You are an experienced therapist, working with adoptees.   What do parents, generally speaking, need to understand about their teenagers that you've noticed parents seem to be missing right now?  

Katie:  One of the most important reframes to integrate, is that the adoption story is not just about abandonment or relinquishment, or loss, although there is loss embedded in it, of course. It’s a survival story. 

The adoptee survived something that others in similar situations, did not. Many adoptees talk with me about how lucky they were just to have survived. To have one’s life hinge on luck is unsettling! So, without even realizing it, many adoptees will develop survival skills that will allow them to make their own luck, so to speak. This could mean excelling in school, fitting in racially/culturally/socially, etc. It could mean a highly tuned radar for what others feel about them. There’s often a vigilance, often undetectable and unconscious. 

Rachel:  One thing I've struggled with, and so have many parents by adoption, is when our children struggle, we cannot decide if the struggle is related to adoption or not.  Can you offer any advice on how parents like me can answer that question?  And if the struggle IS adoption-related, what's the next step the parent should take? 

Katie:  Let’s start with the difference between younger adoptees and adopted teens. Teenhood brings a different lens to their relationship, whether unknown or known, with their birth parent. When adoptees are younger, they have questions, possibly hurt feelings, etc. But in teenhood, adoptees can actually identify with the birth mother. Because they’re now sexually equipped, they can put themselves in the position of their birth mother. Teens are often become able to think more abstractly so they often become interested in the feelings, details, the injustices and morals. This often includes variations on the question, how could you do this to me? 

Non-adopted teens have a birth story, but for adoptees, it’s a survival story. For adoptees, the worst has already happened. Of course, teenhood is generally fraught with risk and potential! But, adoptees are often more in survival mode than the garden-variety teen. When adoptees who come in to see me, early on, they’ll often say something like, “I can pick up on other people’s feelings. I’m extremely attuned.” But, through their tone, I know by their serious tone that it’s not just a casual trait. It’s a strategy. 

What I argue in the book is that there is a parallel process between you as adoptive parent and the adopted teen. Just as you are in some ways, a garden-variety parent, you are also an adoptive parent, and are faced with reconciling that! And, although each parent is unique, the four tasks I lay out encompass the vulnerabilities that I’ve seen in adopted teens and adoptive parents. For example, unrescuing is the first task. I believe that adopted teens often believe that they need to be rescued, and that adoptive parents are more vulnerable to rescuing. Why? The rescuing is part of the narrative. 

In terms of next steps for adoptive parents, there are four of them - unrescuing, setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future, in that order! Each task also contains simple, practical accessible adjustments that adoptive parents can make to meet the needs of their adopted teen. 

Rachel:  Besides your book (which I'm reading right now and underlining passage after passage), what other resources do you recommend parents-by-adoption read to better understand their children?  

Katie:  The podcast Journey of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is helpful if you’re interested in the research, not just about adoption, but a range of mental health issues. Add Water and Stir: Women of Color/Adoption/Foster Care/Parenting is fantastic. The Rambler includes interviews of many Korean-adult adoptees, myself included. The host, Mike McDonald is also a Korean-adoptee. AdopteesOn is hosted by a Canadian adoptee and focuses on open adoption and reunion stories. Might need Kleenex for that one! She interviews adoptees who are also therapists, which I participated in. Creating a Family is hosted by Dawn Davenport, adoptive parent, author, whom I just love. I enjoyed talking with her about the book! And, Renegade Rules is actually a podcast for parents of younger children, but we had a fascinating conversations about teens and adoption.