Matching

Miss E came home from her last day of school with this worksheet in her bag.

"Draw a line to match each baby to its parent."

So at first, I rolled my eyes, sighed, and then thought about the note I should send to the teacher.

Then I thought, it's the last day of school.  What's the point of sending a note?

And then I decided I was being oversensitive.

But now I'm fired up again about it. 

What is the point of this worksheet?

Yes, typically a "cub" matches a "lion."  They are the same species.  

But what is the lesson in all of this?  That kids and parents always match?  Need to match?

What if my kid had drawn a line from the chick to the wolf?  Would it have been marked wrong?  

Even in the animal world, there are some fantastic stories of adoption that take place from animals who do not "match."   One of our favorites is Little Pink Pup. 

So, parents, would this worksheet bother you?  What do you think it says about adoption, if anything?

Ah-ha. It's Ok to Say No When you Have 500 Kids

I recently wrote about the art/power of saying no.

But there's also a certain amount of grace necessary to accept no from someone.

Going from two kids to three has been quite challenging for us.   I feel like I have 500 children, not three.   (Ok, yes, I'm exaggerating...but it is very overwhelming!)

I have friends with four, five, six, seven, eight kids...and now having three, I'm finally getting it.

I get why they cancel playdates more often than they attend.

I get why they serve lunch at 10:30 a.m. and dinner at 4:30.

I get why they run out of milk, eggs, bread, and cheese.

I get why they seem a little (or a lot) dazed all the time.

I get why bedtime is not to be compromised.


Because, I'm starting to do it too.

The other day, I tried to put contact drops in my ears instead of my eyes.

I have to cancel plans about half the time.

Sometimes we have dinner at 4:30, and sometimes it's served at 7:30.

Attempting to accomplish anything or reason with children after 5:00 p.m. is pointless.

I am always multitasking---physically and mentally.

Bedtime is NOT EVER to be compromised for my safety and sanity. 


So when you have friends with multiple children, or a friend with just a few kids (but perhaps one has a special need or one is particularly needy), have the grace to say, "No problem!" when they cancel your plans...again!    Be the friend who doesn't attempt to add guilt to the shame they might already feel.  

We are all busy.  We all have stress.

We all need grace from one another.

Affirming

Admission.

I kind of suck at affirming others.

As you can see on my kitchen chalk board, up at the top, there are two acronyms.   One is for my husband whose love language is Words of Affirmation.    (Mine is Acts of Service).   I've heard/read that the mistake many people make is trying to give their love language to others instead of giving the person what their love language actually is.   

Not a bad thing---but my siblings and I were raised to have high self-esteem.   So this has carried into my adult years, and I often forget that everyone else doesn't feel so good about themselves.  

I'm not saying I'm "all that and a bag of chips," because I have have struggles, doubts, and insecurities just like every other person, but I tend to not dwell upon them.   

I was recently reading in a parenting book how it's so important to not let negative attitudes, moods, or seasons affect the words we use to describe our children:  their behaviors or their personalities.

You might be thinking---duh!    But reading this was a great reminder for me...because I struggle in this area.

You see, I don't want the words I speak to determine who my children will be.   They are free to have struggles and moods and hardships.  That's part of life.  They don't need a label to tie them down.

Easy to say---be positive---hard to do.  I mean, parenting is HARD work.  Someone posted on FB the other day a little sign that said, "Having a two-year-old is like having a blender with no lid."   So true!    Then there's the baby and the preschooler.   Whoa. 

I also read a few months ago that it's a good idea to make a list of the things you most appreciate about your children---what's special/cool about them.

So from these two ideas, I wrote on my kitchen chalk board a word to describe each child---a word that is positive and true.  A word I can go-to to describe my children in conversation.  

It's important to do this because we know our children are almost always listening to us (even if they are listening when we don't want them to and they don't listen when they should be...), and not just our words, but also our tone and our facial expressions.

So here's what I came up with:

Miss E is so much like me.   She likes to sleep and can get in a slump easily when things don't go her way.  She's a typical oldest child.  ;)    What I love about her is that though her slumps and moods can really get to me sometimes, she is a very creative young girl.  She loves to make up stories, tell us all about Ben (her imaginary friend), "read," dance, create art. 

So for Miss E, I'm focusing on the fact that she is creative.

Baby E is a firecracker.   She gets into EVERYTHING.  A few weeks ago, I caught her wandering around the house at 4:30 a.m., and she said, "Mommy, I scared you!"   She had taken lotion and rubbed it all over a wall.  She writes on her stomach with markers.   She never just walks.  She dances, skips, jumps, gallops, bounces.    This can be incredibly challenging.   I find myself feeling quite overwhelmed with her at times.     But a conversation with a friend who has a similar child helped us both realize that our children will never take "no" for an answer.  They will be able to overcome anything in life and meet their goals.

So for Baby E, I'm focusing on the fact that she is energetic.

Baby Z is quite young still...not even six months old.   My fear is that he will have "third child syndrome" where he's too laid back (not a go-getter), unmotivated, and pampered (which yes, would be our fault).   He's a very happy baby, content to grin at anyone.  

So for Baby Z, I'm focusing on the fact that he is charming.


What does this mean for you, readers?

1:   Make a list of the words you have used/do use that negatively describe your children.  

2:  Make a list of a few attributes you most admire in your child.

3:  Choose one of these attributes (preferably not one focusing on looks) and write it down somewhere you'll see it often.  The fridge, your screensaver, the cover photo on your phone.  

4:  Tell your child that you admire X about him/her (and be sure to talk about what that word means---and give examples), and when parenting conversations come up, use the word.   (Yes, conversations about challenges have their place and time...but a convo with a fellow mom at the park probably isn't the time).  

Parenting Goals + Kid Goals for Summer 2013

Last month, I was growing pretty frustrated.   Learning to balance life with three kids has been such a challenge.    And summer is a transition period for us because Miss E is out of school and I'm not teaching.  So there's all of us.  Here.  For three straight months.   And did I mention I live in the Midwest where the summer heat index eventually creeps up to 115?!?  Yikes.

So here's what I'm doing.   First, I created a list of parenting goals.  Here they are:

1:  To spend daily time with God so that His patience, love, grace, and wisdom naturally flows from God to me to my children.

2:  To discipline/correct with confidence, patience, and wisdom.  This means watching my word choice, tone, and level of sound; speaking calmly and firmly.    It means making eye contact and getting down on their level.  It means taking time out of whatever I’m doing to discipline, even when it’s not convenient.  

3:  To allow plenty of time for my children to play freely by themselves/with each other, without parents or other adults guiding/pushing.

4:  To spend time with my children individually, listening to what’s on their hearts.

5:   To encourage and praise my children often and genuinely.  

6:   To embrace their personalities, preferences, and talents.

7:  To take care of myself physically so I can be the best parent possible to my children and model healthy behaviors and choices.

8:  To respect my husband, to jointly parent my children with him, and to co-parent with wisdom and togetherness, so our children learn we are a unified team who parents consistently.  

And then there are the goals I have for my older two this summer.   (I'm type A and forever feel that I need to be accomplishing something).

Miss E:

• Teach her how to tie her shoes (she REALLY wants to learn this skill)
• Teach her how to tell time
• Begin teaching her how to read  (because she REALLY wants to do this)
• Learn more about money (learning the coins and their values, learning about money management)
• Teach her anything else she's interested in learning about

Baby E:

• Learn colors
• Learn shapes
• Begin learning letters and numbers
• Teach her anything else she's interested in learning about

What we hope to do each week:

• visit the library
• host a playdate
• attend a playdate
• have a few devotional sessions (learn Bible verses, read Bible stories)
• minister to others (not sure what this will look like yet.  With three little ones it's hard to volunteer somewhere, so we might do more card ministering at home)
• find some new favorite easy and healthy recipes

Put Down the Camera and Stop Making Kids Entertain Us

A few weeks ago, Miss E and I attended her Mother's Day Luncheon at her school.   We sat at tables decorated with painted clay pots (made, of course, by the children).   Before we ate, the teachers called the kids up to the front of the room, class by class, lined them up, and then they sang a few songs for the mothers.

And almost every single mother in the room had her I-Phone out, recording every song and snapping gobs of photos.   

First, hello.  The lighting sucked in there. 

Second, there were 50+ kids up there, and it was nearly impossible to get a good shot of just your kid...so you were basically taking a video of a whole bunch of kids you don't know.

Third...and most bothersome...

the moms weren't enjoying the moment, grinning at their children, or giving them a thumbs up.   Instead, their faces were partially covered by phones covered in zebra print, gems, or initials----each of them glowing with their tiny I-Phone eyeball-looking lights.

I picked up my big camera and snapped a few photos...all of which turned out terribly.  But I quickly gave up, realizing that my daughter just needed to see me and know that I was cool with what was going on.

So I smiled at her.  I waved.  I gave her a thumbs up.   I clapped and cheered.  

She smiled back and then walked quickly back to her seat and blurted, "I'm really hungry, mom.  When is it time to eat?"

I guess the performance should have warmed my heart.    I should have thought it was so cute and so precious and so special.    I should have recorded the entire thing to show my husband once and then keep on my phone to eat up storage space.  Maybe I could have put the whole video on Facebook for all my "friends" to watch and say something flippant and obligatory like "so cute" or "awww."

But I didn't.

The thing is, kids do not exist to entertain us.

They aren't performers.  Or puppets.   Or little creatures we should constantly train, bribe, and then record.

I do get it.  The teachers wanted to do something nice for the moms.  And I mean, if the kids don't sing, what else is there to do besides eat lunch?  

Well, here's an idea.  What about a mommy date?   They set up tables for two.   They dim the lights, play some soft music, and let moms and daughters spend some chill time together over a meal, which NEVER happens in the real world.

Instead, there were kids with their own IPads recording alongside parents or playing games and ignoring each other while moms either stared off into space or gossiped with one another or sat slumped over texting God-knows-who.

(Luckily, at my table there were to grandmas there with kids and my friend with her daughter, so we eventually figured out how to mesh and enjoyed talking about the new grandbabies two of them had and preschool and the weather and whatever else).   

One thing I'm working on making a priority in our home is saying "no" often (per the last post) and carving out special time with my kids individually.    I want to hear their hearts.  I want to block out the noise of the world.  I want them to feel free to be honest, authentic, creative, and expressive---to my face (not my camera), with my full attention (eye contact).  I want them to know that when they come to me with a concern or question, I will be there, 100%, not Facebooking their every funny/serious/celebratory moment, not breaking eye contact to check a text message, not requiring them to be cute so I can video the moment.

I want to just be wholly present, responsive, and encouraging.

I don't always succeed.

But I'm trying.  

----

A few days after writing this post, I did something quite drastic (in my world)...

I deleted the FB app from my phone.  No more checking around the clock. 

It's been liberating!

Lack of Empathy: A Confession (With, Of Course, an Adoption Tie-In)

My way or the highway.

That's how I've lived my life for as long as I can remember.

To my defense, I am type-A, determined leader.  I can get a job done.  I can meet a deadline, reach a goal, and make a dream come true.

To my detriment, in achieving, I tend to lack empathy.

Much of this, I know, stems from my diabetes.   Long story short:   I was really sick for 1.5 years, was diagnosed with type I in an ER, and immediately put on my big girl panties and started dealing with my disease.  Sink or swim, do or die.  I picked "swim" and "do." 

And that's how I feel that everyone should deal with his/her health.   If you know that you should exercise and eat right and take time to de-stress, why aren't you doing it?    A bad day here or there, fine.  We all have them.  But to wallow in pity and complain to me (which hmmm, might actually be simple sharing of struggles and not true complaining....)....well, I don't have it in me to say "awwww" and pat your back and offer you a Kleenex.

I know, right?  Harsh.  Unfeeling.  Cold.    Inconsiderate.

To me, it's simple.  If you know what to do and you don't do it, you don't deserve my time and energy.   I can't help you.  I can't fix you.

Ah, there's an issue. 

I want to fix people.   Well, I want to help them fix themselves.   So I freely offer advice, give you a list of book titles or blogs or professionals, and I do so unapologetically and confidently.   

And I expect you to listen, accept, and move forward.    Thank you very much.

The problem is this...

One, that means I'm putting myself above another person.     Um, stupid.   Stupid, Rachel.

Two, that means I'm not so good at listening to the hearts of others.   Sucks. 

Because I'm a mother of three kids who came to me through adoption.  And slowly, we are inching toward phases/ages/stages in which my children will ask some really interesting, really tough, really heartfelt/heartbreaking adoption-related questions.  Or express feelings.

And I'm really, really scared that I'm going to suck at responding.

However, I have found that if I just listen quietly, nod encouragingly, and take a deep breath, the "right" answer comes to me.

Like when Miss E asked me a few months ago if Baby Z was crying because he missed his birth mother.

WHOA.  LEFT FIELD.   DEEP.   HEARTFELT.

So I stopped.  Took a breath.  And I said, "He probably does miss her."   And then, "Do you miss your birth mom?"

She says yes and then brings up another topic.  We continue with our bedtime routine.

That was it.

I think I did ok.   Surprisingly.  Thank God.  

I truly don't know how to become a more empathetic person.    My philosophy and life is put your mind to something and do it.     No ifs, ands, ors, or buts.

Yikes.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to take a listening class.  Or read Listening for Dummies.  (Is there such a book?  Hmmmm....must research).    Maybe I need to offer zero advice and enter conversations with no expectations.   

But as I type this, I think, yeah, right.   Like that's ever going to happen.

I'm driven.    I'm knowledgeable.  I'm a leader.  Those are great things...

But sometimes a kid needs JUST a mommy, not an educator or guide.  Sometimes a friend needs just a friend, not a Heloise of all things adoption.  Sometimes a husband just needs a wife, not a Sargent.

So, without an ending piece of wisdom, without a tidbit of advice, without an ounce of dishonesty about my true "condition"...I leave you with this.

I need a lot of grace.   I have a lot of work to do.     

Open Adoption: What Does It Take?

I'm asked A LOT about open adoption.

Well, I should say, I'm told a lot about open adoption from people who aren't adoptive parents, adoptees, birth parents, or adoption professionals.    It goes like this.  Someone learns that we have open adoptions---three, in fact.  

Scrunched up face followed by, "You mean the kids SEE their real parents?"

(ahem)

or...

"Aren't you scared they will take the child back?"

or...

"Aren't you scared the kids will be confused?"

Ok...deep breath...

Yes, the kids see their biological parents and siblings.   We are real parents.  Their birth parnets are real parents, too, but they aren't the only REAL parents in the equation here.  Thank you very much.

No, they will not be taking the children back.  That's why there are adoption laws and lawyers and counselors (separate representation for birth parents and adoptive parents) and proceedings and one very, very ethical adoption agency.     However, I'm not fearful that seeing the children will make the birth parents go crazy and try to grab the kids and take off running.    Because why?  That's not what sane people do.   And because they can see the kids when they want to.   And just because they are birth parents does not make them unstable, scary, unreliable, crazy people.  

No, I don't think my children will be confused.   We are very clear in our conversations about who is who.  We use the terminology we have decided is appropriate based on our adoption ethics and personal situations.    The kids only use the name "dad" for one person and "mom" for one person (me).   We use the birth parents first names, we discuss who they are and why they are significant people in our lives.   It's not confusing.    It's matter-of-fact, honest, and heartfelt.

I believe people sense that open adoption is a weakness in me.   Or that I'm trying to be PC and smooth over or force contact.    Maybe I'm a bit mentally ill?   Is this really the right thing for the kids?

Here's a great blog post from last month that touches on how I feel about open adoption.

As the author says in the title, open adoption is about commitment.

For me, it's commitment to my adoption ethics, to my children, to the biological families.  It's commitment to not let my personal feelings or emotions overtake the goals of open adoption.  It's a commitment to dive on in to an adoption visit, not matter how awkward or uncomfortable it can be sometimes.  It's about loving the people who created my child and love my child, and in turn, love my whole family.  It's about giving my child a gift:  to have communication with the people who created them and gave birth to them.    It's about having current medical information and family history.  It's about possibilities and joy and moments.  It's about displaying Christ's love to my children and their biological families.  

It's not about me.

And it's not about outsiders who spew birth parent stereotypes and media-driven fears.

It's about my children.

That's what a real mom does.  :0)