Transracial Parents----Dig In!----And Possibly WIN

Miss E before Mommy and Me Dance class. I believe she's inspecting her tutu. :)

Recently, a Facebook friend of mine suggested a page to me. I clicked on it and discovered a book for transracial families called Brown Babies, Pink Parents. I was THRILLED to say the least. There are few good books that talk about transracial adoption. And I do believe that one reason adoptive families say no to adopting children of color is because they are fearful of many things----hair concerns, comments from strangers, opinions of family members, etc---and these topics NEED to be addressed! If a little education can open hearts (and doors for brown kids)---bring it on!

I contacted the author, Amy Ford, who graciously granted me an interview AND a copy of her book to giveaway to one lucky reader of my blog.


Tell me about yourself (your job, your hobbies, your life in general, and of course, your kids! I'd love to know your kids' names and ages, and how they came to your family).

Wow. This is a big question. I am a mother, an author, and an adoption advocate. I spent 16 years as a professional travel planner before throwing myself head first into full time parenthood. While I no longer have a traditional J-O-B, I spend my days promoting the book, facilitating workshops on transracial parenting, and speak to parenting groups around Texas on the importance of honoring our children's heritage. In order to fund the life we have grown accustomed to, I do in home jewelry parties for Jewels by Park Lane. Park Lane allows me to work flexible hours, make a great commission, and I spend my days dripping in jewels while carpooling, hauling trash, and running errands.

My partner, Kim, and I decided to create a family through adoption since her family of origin is comprised of biological, adopted, and foster children. Kim comes from a big Catholic family in Chicago. When her parents were told it was not possible to conceive children of their own, Kim's parents adopted 2 children through Catholic charities. They also become foster parents to a son who was never able to be adopted. When Kim's mother was 30, she gave birth to a daughter. Eight years later what she thought was the flu was actually Kim - biological daughter #2.

So Kim and I figured this was the way we would create our own family. We became licensed foster parents in Austin in 2002. Madison was our second placement and is our oldest daughter. She was placed in our home at 13 days old. Maddie is 8 years old and in the 2nd grade. McKenzie, age 5, is now in kindergarten and came home to us at 17 months old. Morgan, age 2, is McKenzie's biological sister and came home to us directly from the hospital. My children are 2 years, 3 months, and 2 days part apart. All 3. Yep. Let that sink in.

On the rare occasion I have leisure time, I love to knit - maybe too much. It is a huge de-stresser for me and I love it. I can't make anything with shape but I can create blankets of varying sizes and scarves. I also love to read, go to the movies, and travel.

Why did you decide to write your book?

I wrote Brown Babies Pink Parents to share with other parents the lessons I never learned in preparing to be the mother of African American children. When we became foster parents, it never occurred to me that we would parent so many African American children. I had no idea how to comb hair or care for skin. You should have seen me slathering babies in Johnson & Johnson lotion every time I changed a diaper and wondering, "Why isn't this working?" I knew I needed to incorporate people of color into our life but I had no idea how to do that. I had no idea how to teach my daughter how to be black in America. There was no instruction manual! I read every book I could find on transracial parenting and they all seemed to be written by social workers, therapists, or bitter adoptees. After reading all of these, I still didn't know how to comb hair or how to connect to the black community. Somebody needed to write a book and somebody turned out to be me.

What is the book's main message?

The message of the book is love. I love my children more than I do the next breath I am going to draw. I recognized early on that I didn't have the necessary life skills to teach my kids the lessons they would have to learn in order to successfully navigate this world. I love them with every cell in my body, but love is not enough. More is required of me. White parents can raise black children, but it requires reaching beyond our comfort zone.

I have been asked why we didn't adopt one of "our own" (meaning a white baby). If someone were to ask you that question, how would you respond?

I love the ones God gave me to love.

What's one important lesson your children have taught you?

Just one? That's tough. My kids have taught me, and continue to teach me, that I don't have to know everything or have it all figured out. I don't need to have a ready answer or the right thing to say. I just have to show up and be in the moment with them.

What's coming up for you? Can we expect another book?

I don't know about another book yet. Something in my gut says yes, but I have no idea what it will be. I can tell you my #1 priority these days is to take the message of transracial parenting to the national level by growing our non-profit organization, Parenting Across Color (http://parentingacrosscolor.com/). Since the book launched, I have received dozens of requests for a local support group like the one we have in Austin. Parenting Across Color began as a local parenting group but we have since incorporated and gained tax exempt status. We are actually in conversation with an NFL player who was transracially adopted to become the national spokesperson for PAC. This is such an exciting time for PAC and every day brings something new. Stay tuned!

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GIVEAWAY: Enter to win a copy of Amy Ford's book! There are many ways to enter:

1: Become a blog follower and leave me a comment on this blog post telling me you did so.

2: Post this giveaway on your blog or Facebook and leave me a comment telling me you did so.

3: Post a link on your Facebook page or your blog to "Rachel's Sugary Sweet Suggestions" (Amazon store) and leave me a comment telling me you did so.

Note: Please leave a separate comment for each "item" completed. :) Thanks!

You have from now until March 4th at noon (CST) to enter. A winner will be drawn at random and announced on that day. The winner has 48 hours to e-mail me (supagurlrae at hotmail dot com) his or her full name and address. If I'm not contacted by then, I'll post a new winner.

Foster Care

My heart is incredibly heavy for the children in foster care.

I live in the St. Louis area. There are some affluent, lovely areas in the city, but there are also some really tough areas, places hit hard by crime and poverty. Seemingly every night, there's a story on the news about a parent who does something crazy-abusive to a child. For example, a few weeks ago there was a story of mom who punished her six-year-old daughter (for bed wetting) by bathing her in ice cold water, resulting in hypothermia and hospitalization. What?!? First off, six year old kids wet the bed sometimes. Second, what's the big freaking deal? But apparently, it was a big deal.

Miss E's interim care mother (the mom who had her for a few days until we could go to court for custody) got a call for a baby, an infant, with TWENTY ONE broken bones. How is that even possible?

Another news story. Man gets mad at girlfriends 22 month old son and throws him into the wall. Seriously?

I know, I'm not talking about rational, normal parents here. But I can't help but feel my heart breaking for these precious children.

I cannot imagine someone picking up my infant and throwing her into a wall because she was crying too much. Or shoving my toddler into ice cold waters because she had a pee-accident. Every time I hear a horrifying story, I think, that's a child who needs love, who needs a home, who needs a CHANCE. I put my child's face on that child in the news story, and I immediately want to cry.

This is going to sound crazy to some of you, but about a month ago, I became determined that we would take foster care classes offered in March and open our home to infant and toddler foster children. I know! I have an infant (three months old) and a 2-year-old. Life is already crazy-busy at times. But things kept happening that made me think...why not us?

The more I contemplated foster care, the more I was certain it's for us. For a few days, television shows and songs were talking about foster care. I flipped on the radio one afternoon to hear a Christian band (Mike's Chair) singing "Changing the World": "Something here is wrong/there are children without homes/but we just move along to take care of our own/there's so much suffering right outside our door/a cry so deafening/we just can't ignore." Then I would hear Carrie Underwood sing "Temporary Home." Then I was watching a police show where a young lady was being kicked out a foster home without any of her belongings. And I felt my heart ache and ache and ache.

So I went to my Bible. But everything I was reading didn't say DO IT. Really, God? Seriously?

I flipped through Ecclesiastes and stumbled upon the "season" chapter (3:1-8). To everything there IS a season. Is this our season to do foster care? Then I read Ecc. 7:8, "The patient in spirit is better than the proud is spirit." Was God trying to tell me to shut up and wait instead of getting all full of myself about the good mother I am and could be to other kids? Perhaps this season of my life is to raise and focus on the ones I already have in front of me...

Then I read Matthew 6:33-34 which basically states that we are to seek God first in everything and then everything else will fall into place.

Matthew 7:24-27 talks about the wise building their house (or I take it, our plans) upon the rock (meaning Jesus) while the foolish build their house on the sand (which is easily swept away).

Even good intentions can be built on sand.

Our pastor often talks about the definition of sin. It means "to miss the mark." Sin doesn't always mean outright wrongdoing, intentional wrongdoing, or ill will. Interesting stuff.

It's so easy to miss the mark. When your heart strings are being pulled and pulled and pulled, doesn't that mean, in Nike's words, "Just do it"? Well, no.

The truth is, doing foster care, I strongly believe, is in our future because:

1: I believe WHY NOT? We have a healthy, happy home, a stable environment, space, love, and education. We have the support and love of other foster and adoptive families. We have a great agency to work with.

2: I believe Christians have a duty to stop saying, "I could never do that," and start thinking, "How could I do that?" or "Is God prompting me to do that?" (whatever "that" is). And this is coming from me---Miss Plan Everything Out Perfectly. God never intended, I don't think, for any of us to have pampered, pretty, perfect lives. I do believe, however, that He wants us to have BLESSED lives, and blessings come to us in imperfect, confusing ways sometimes. Somewhere, somehow, we have to put our hearts on the line and our faith into action.

3: We love children. I have never struggled with loving other people's kids. I have worked as a babysitter, nanny, camp class leader, Bible school teaching, ministry coordinator, etc. And each time, I loved those kids with my whole heart, believing in them, caring for them, and giving to them. A child doesn't have to be biologically mine to be "mine."

4: We believe in good ethics. Biological parents have a right to their children. (Now yes, the courts can get really screwed up and make bad decisions...but overall, as a general belief, we believe that children need to have the opportunity to be connected with their biological families). Doing foster care is a way for us to demonstrate our beliefs. The foster care system attempts to reunite biological families.

We have decided we will not do foster care during this season of our lives. And we made sure our reasons were sound, not excuses. I'm not saying "no." I'm saying, "Until." I don't want to "miss the mark" or jump into a season that God hasn't planned for us. I eagerly anticipate the day that we will say "yes" to foster care.

If you are interested in reading more about foster care, I have read a few books on the subject and hope you will, too.

Three Little Words
Damaged


I pray that you have the courage to say "yes" to whatever God is marinating in your soul.

Interesting Conversations

As a transracial, adoptive family, we've been subjected to a variety of comments, looks, and sounds (a sigh, a "uhhhh huhhhhh, a light laugh, etc.). Most, to be fair, have been positive.

The weekend before last, our family had three rather interesting adoption conversations with strangers.

1: We enter St. Louis Bread Company to eat lunch. We pick a seat near the gas fireplace (ahhhh). A family is sitting at the table on the other side of the fireplace: mom, dad, six-year-old daughter, and a infant. The daughter spots us, immediately walks over, and asks me, "Are those your kids?"

I say to her, "Yes. They are adopted." (I can tell she's asking because we don't "match.") She proceeds to ask me a few more questions, and her parents just look on, not really disapproving or interjecting. I tell her, "A different mommy had them and couldn't take care of them, so we take care of them." The little girl asks, "Do they still see her [their other moms]?" I say, "Yes, they do get to see their birth moms." The little girl proceeds to tell me that her little sister uses different bottles than we do and her sister's name.

The mom tells her daughter it's time to order food. After they walk away, the dad leans my direction and says, "Thank you! You were so gracious." I responded that little kids her age are curious and the questions do not bother me.

(I really hope I did ok in this instance. A fellow adoptive mom of a ten-year-old said adoption is hard to explain until you can explain the "birds and the bees" simply because biology and "where do babies come from?" plays a huge part in adoption. Obviously I wasn't going to give this little girl THE talk, so I had to make-do).

2: So we eat our lunch and when we are about to leave, an older woman approaches us and says, "You have a beautiful family." We say thanks, and she tell us she has SIX daughters. I watch my husband's eyes widen. (After all, two is a lot of work...imagine 2 x 3!)

3: Communion was held at church the following day. Miss E was in the nursery, but Baby E was with us in church. As we proceeded up the aisle to take communion, I could feel stares of people. This isn't unusual considering 1: we are carrying a newborn and people love to look at babies and 2: our baby is obviously a different race. After church, an African American woman came up to my husband (as we were getting our girls ready to leave) and said, "It's so good you take care of those kids." My husband responded, "Well, they are our daughters." (The woman assumed the girls were foster babies, we think). She then smiled and made a few more comments before walking away.

Our family attracts attention. And I hope we can respond each time we are asked about our family in a way that is gracious, educational, and honest. I want my girls to be proud of what I say---never feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or angry. I want them to be proud of who they are, where they came from, and the possibilities that are ahead.

I have no idea the impact that my words will have on a stranger. I just hope that with God's wisdom and grace, that I say the right words for all involved.

CUTE!!!!

One of my readers makes adorable adoption onesies for infants and toddlers as a way to raise money to adopt an AA baby. I hope you'll stop by her blog and check them out!

The Blackest Name

Interesting article on the "blackest" name in America.

Bonding (Plus Coupon @ the End for Lotion)

Daddy and Baby E

So here's how domestic infant adoption generally works.

The adoptive family gets the call that the baby they are matched with has been born. They could have known a long time that they were matched, or they could have not known at all because the situation was a "cold call" (meaning, the birth family chose adoption and an adoptive family after the baby's birth).

The adoptive family meets the baby. The adoptive family then welcomes the baby into their home, usually after they have custody. (If they do not have custody but take the baby home, this is called a "legal risk placement" meaning the birth family hasn't officially/legally terminated their parental rights).

And then, what?

Newborns do keep new parents on their toes. There's diapers, tears, feedings (and the dreaded night feedings), baths, snuggle times, doc appointments, and of course, these things are now added to the already long list of daily tasks---work, school, chores, errands, meetings, travel, etc.

Let me get this out of the way: Can you bond with a baby whom you didn't carry in you for forty weeks? YES. Can you bond with a baby who doesn't look a thing like you? YES. Can you bond with a baby who has TWO moms and TWO dads? YES. Can you bond with a baby who was thrust into your arms and whom you knew you were taking that baby away from his or her biological family? YES.

How long does that take? How do you do it?

I will first say, I'm not expert. I'm one woman with one experience. But, I hope I can offer some insight.

First, how long does it take? There is no norm, I don't think. There are so many factors---the way the adoption happened, the type of adoption, the child's personality, the parents' personalities, time, background, etc. I think that if it begins to feel like too long, professional help should be sought. Just remember, a pregnant woman has nearly a year to bond with her baby. So perhaps that is the norm?

Second, how do you do it? How do you bond with this baby who wasn't yours a few days/months ago and is now yours forever?

A few suggestions:

• Skin to skin contact. Parents who have babies in fragile medical situations are often encouraged to place their child on their bare chests. I have read various experts say this is incredibly soothing for the baby and helps parents bond with babies who are stuck in hospitals. Skin to skin contact is intimate and loving.


• Sling that baby! I love my sling and use it often. My hands are free to do chores or do an activity with my two year old, yet I'm able to have my baby daughter against me. She can see my eyes, feel my heartbeat, and recognize my scent.


• Eye to eye contact. I have noticed that Baby E LOVES eye to eye contact. She's content being in my arms and looking into my eyes. Something about these moments increases security, love, and bonding.


• Choosing an activity only you (and/or your spouse) do for your baby. For us, it's feedings and diaper changes. Occasionally, a babysitter will have to do these tasks for us, but our daughter is learning that Mom and Dad provide the food and take care of the yuck afterward. :) What's more loving than that? Plus, feeding times can be great eye contact and/or skin-to-skin times. I love my Boppy pillow which provides extra support and brings the baby closer to my face.


• Cuddle and snuggle. This is hard for me to do during the day when I'm taking care of both girls. But after Miss E goes to bed, I usually hold Baby E while she drifts off to sleep and while she sleeps. And it's good for you! I once read that holding a new born boosts the positive and happy energies in the person holding the baby (whatever that's called scientifically, I don't know). And of course, this is time for the baby to grow more familiar with his or her new Mom or Dad.


• Bath time. Again, baby is looking up at Mom or Dad. I talk to my baby through her whole bath (if I'm not trying to tame Miss E from dumping water on the baby's head). :) Once your baby gets past the scream-because-I-hate-bath-time-phase (hopefully that happens quickly), bath time can be awesome for eye to eye contact. Afterward, you can give your baby a good lotion rub down for some skin-to-skin contact.


• Play time. Newborns don't play all that much, but after the first month or so, they are awake longer. I sometimes talk to my baby (often just saying her name in a sing-song voice) and just wait for her eyes to light up or for a smile. This counts as play. :) Again, great for eye to eye contact.

A few things I don't do (and this is just personal preference):

• I don't deem middle-of-the-night-feedings as bonding time. I actually aim for no eye contact as I sleep train my baby. A mid-night feeding is all business. :) I keep the lights low, change the diaper half way through (so there's no sudden change of pace at the end), and don't talk.


• I don't rock my babies to sleep, usually. I worked with Miss E so she'd fall asleep on her own, putting her to bed when she was sleepy but not sleeping. I'm trying the same thing with Baby E. So right before bed, I'm not trying to shove a squeaky toy in the baby's face.


• I don't pass my baby around, especially when she is so new. Do others hold her, yes? But do I, upon entering a gathering or event, allow anyone and everyone to hold the baby? No. For one, it's sick season. For another, I'm trying to get my baby to bond with me, and I want her to see, feel, smell me as much as possible.

I, like many mothers, sometimes struggle with carving out time to create these moments. We have a lot on our plates! But babies are only so young for a short period of time, and bonding is so important.

What ways have you learned to bond with your adopted child?

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Here's how to get a coupon for Burt's Bees lotion----good for baby massage!

Dear Bio Parent...

My girls, holding hands.

Writing letters to my children's biological parents is something I enjoy. But as you can guess, I love to write. :)



I admit, it was quite intimidating the first few times I wrote to my oldest daughter's birth mother. I didn't want to say anything that would upset her; after all, she had just given us her flesh and blood. How heartbreaking! But the more I wrote, the more confident I grew.



What I typically include in letters:

• The child's height/weight, based on a recent doctor's visit, or our own measurements


• How much/what she is eating.


• Clothing size (to demonstrate growth).


• Language development (new words/sounds)


• Physical development (first steps? new tooth?)


• Unique experiences---a trip to the zoo, Christmas, a family vacation, etc.


• Firsts---first smile, first word, first bite of chocolate :)


• Favorites---foods, activities, friends


• Any hardships---an illness, a stage of defiance, unique challenges (biting---oh no!)

I also include a lot of pictures, anywhere from 10-25 per letter. I make sure to send a variety of photographs showing everyday and special activities. I usually write captions on the back with the date the photo was taken and what was going on in the picture. Do I include pics of the whole family? Sometimes, but most photos are just of the child by herself. If any professional pictures were taken, I always send the bio parents a copy or two.

At holidays I usually send a card, and this includes the smaller holidays like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Halloween, etc. I'm a card freak. :) The Hallmark ladies know me (and my girls) by name.

I believe it's best that the letters are honest and detailed. Just like a good conversation---there's some humor, there's some seriousness, there are details, and there's good old honesty.

I'm asked by many, how often do we send letters? Usually it's every other month. Why this time frame? It gives me time to get pictures copied and to send a hearty letter (usually 2 pages), and it isn't so far apart that the bio parents think we've forgotten about them.

How do I stay organized? I keep a running letter on my computer desktop at all times. If one of my girls does something interesting, has a first experience, sees the doctor, etc., I update the letter with that information. I can then save the letter so my daughters can read them in the future. Keeping a running letter is helpful so that I don't forget any details I want to share.

I usually print the letters on fun stationary, which I have plenty of. I want the letter to arrive bright and cheerful---not bland.

How do I sign the letters? This is often a detail adoptive parents struggle over. "Love"? "Sincerely"? Nothing at all but names? It really depends on the relationship. There is no perfect answer.

I think the point is---suck it up and do it! No matter your emotions as an adoptive parent, those letters usually mean A LOT to the biological parents. They entrusted you with their children, so why not put forth effort and enjoy the journey.