'tis the Season to Get Ready: Gifts for Kids of Color

Hi, Sugars:

I'm thrilled to share with you that effective immediately, you can follow me on Twitter and Facebook to get daily suggestions on the best gifts for kids of color.

For many years now, I've been completely obsessed with children's books, art, games, toys, music, apparel, hair products and accessories, and videos that feature characters of color, Black history themes, etc.  I'll also be highlighting media the promotes diversity and adoption education (for both adults and kids).  I've written several articles on the subject, but these articles end up getting buried in a website's content, not seen by as many people who can benefit from them.  

To streamline the fabulous resources and gifts I've discovered, I'm sharing them all on my IG and Twitter accounts.  Everything I post is something my family has personally purchased, borrowed, or observed!

Are you ready to fill your feeds and accounts with fabulousness?  

Many of the resources posted are listed in my books, but my IG and Twitter accounts will add new suggestions not listed in the books as well.  

I'm so excited about this project!  

#SameTeam

I'm writing this with a sigh.  A blissful sigh.

Last month, Steve and I went to the beach.  Alone.  For over three days.

It was early January.  We were coming down off Christmas-crazy (and three of our five family birthdays).  The living room had been stripped of it's holiday cheer and returned to normal, except with many more toys sprinkled all over the floor and furniture.  I was in the midst of writing book #3, submitting new articles to various publications, doing chores, managing my disease, getting the girls readjusted to being back in school, and wiping my son's nose 1500 times a day.   My younger two weren't sleeping.  One due to teething, the other due to a still-undiagnosed sleep issue.

We were tired.  Burnt out.  Blue.

We were bickering.  Trying to remember WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM (but failing).  Surrendering to life.

And here in the Midwest, we knew winter was just getting started.   Every day was the same:  gray skies, chilly temperatures, cloudy.

I had the revelation that we should go to the beach.  "We" being just Steve and I.  So on a whim, I told him my idea.  Within three days, we had flights and a room booked, a rental car on hold, and we were buying things that Florida people need, like sandals.  We secured child care (my parents). We were cautiously optimistic.  We held our breath hoping that no one would have an epic bout of illness.

The days leading up to our trip were full of anxiety and planning and trepidation.  Was this actually going to happen? 

It did.

We had the most blissful time.  We ate what we wanted, when we wanted.  Lunch at 2:30?  No problem!   Margaritas at noon on a Sunday?  Why not? Ping-pong on the beach at 9 p.m.?  Sure! Laying on hammocks and star-gazing?  Done!  Sleeping until 9:00 in the morning?  Yep!  Browsing a bookstore without telling someone "no touching" or "stop licking the floor"?  Check! 

One day, as we walked leisurely along the shell-floored shore, we passed by a family who appeared to have adopted two of their children.  I mentioned to Steve how unremarkable we are without our kids.  Invisible to others. Normal.  Uninteresting.  No double-takes, no questions about our authenticity, no "your kids are soooooooooooooo cute" comments that make us squirm and make our children uncomfortable.

Part of the reason our trip was the exact opposite of our everyday lives is because we didn't have to worry about keeping our little ones safe, alive, fed, bathed, and semi-happy.  But the other reason is that we weren't spotlighted when we saw another person or family.  We were just a pasty-skinned couple on vacation, not an "adoptive" family who, by our presence, must indicate that we have some incredibly interesting, complicated, mysterious life wrought with a history that would make for a great Lifetime movie.  Or maybe Hallmark.  

Our vacation gave us perspective.  It gave us renewal.  It gave us time to reflect, plan, and simply just BE.  We read.  We laughed.  We bickered a bit about things that didn't matter (because that is what married couples like us do). We were spontaneous. We were relaxed.  

We were just us, but not pre-kids us.  The vacation wasn't about going back to an earlier state of being or identity.  It was about getting re-grounded in who we are now ("old married couple") because we are parents:  more empathetic, more educated, more empowered.  

Getting away from "it all" provided us with the space we needed to think, to reconnect, and to consider.  It was wonderful. 

So if you find me sniffing a seashell or wearing short-sleeves in winter so I can keep an eye on my very slightly tanned arms, just know that I'm keeping vacation in my heart for as long as I can.

Part-Time Homeschooling: Why and How We Do It

Homeschooling is becoming an increasingly popular decision among parents.  These parents are eradicating homeschooling stereotypes: the mom in the long denim skirt (with the badly permed, long hair) and socially awkward children.  Today's homeschooling parent is educated, creative, and cool (think tattoos, organic-grocery-buying, and field trip expert extraordinaire).

One reason I have grown to know so many homeschooling parents is because, as mom by adoption, I befriend a lot of adults parenting children who come from hard places.  The children's difficult pasts don't yield to schooling that requires a lot of sitting, standardized tests, and large classes: seven hours a day, five days a week.  Plus homework.  Plus little flexibility.  Plus a sometimes lack of diversity (in age, race, and ability).  

To the WHY:

What you need to know about me:

• I taught college English for eight years.
• My in-laws are both retired educators/administrators in the public school system.  
• My husband and I were both educated in the public school system and we attended state universities.  
• My oldest is in half-day public school.
• My middle child is in private preschool two mornings a week.
• And...we part-time homeschool.

We decided to part-time homeschool for a few reasons:

• As a former educator, and as my children's first/most important teacher, I wanted to have a heavy influence in their educational experience.
• I wanted to teach my children things they wouldn't get in public or private school (such as an emphasis on Black history, Bible verse memorization, etc.)
• I'm a big believer in free play.  We can homeschool for about an hour a day, and then my girls have time to ride bikes, play with toys, create art, etc.  My kindergartner has been playing in the sunshine, reading books, have a snack with her sister, and creating art for hours by the time the bus that would typically be bringing her home at 4:00 in the afternoon goes by.  
• I can tailor my teaching to their individual needs and desires.
• I can give them one-on-one attention. 
• As a mom, I was feeling that I wasn't doing enough teaching of my own kids:  teaching them about the Bible, teaching them certain subjects, etc., so I would randomly, in a wave of guilt, try to teach them on X subject.  The lack of consistency and a plan made me feel more guilty and discouraged.  Homeschooling is a way to be organized, consistent, and purposeful.

To the HOW:

Homeschooling options can be overwhelming and shake a person's confidence.  However, the perfect time to give homeschooling a whirl, from my experience, is when children are young.  They are typically eager to learn, embrace free play, and are more receptive to learning from mom or dad.   

Tools we utilize:

• workbooks.  I really like Explode the Code and Handwriting Without Tears.  My go-to book for teaching my kids to read is Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.  We also like the Curious George and Brain Quest workbooks.  (Kumon books aren't my favorite, but I do utilize a few).  We also buy workbooks at the dollar store.  I'm a big fan of clean, simple workbooks without distracting colors, though most of the dollar store books are pretty colorful and tend to be based on Disney and Fisher-Price characters.  A few of these more colorful books are ok. 
• puzzles.  We love Melissa and Doug puzzles!  There's world and US puzzles (think history and geography) and alphabet and number puzzles (for recognition and identification).
• story cards, matching games, bingo games, letter matching. 
• window markers and sidewalk chalk  These are great for "workbook" type work done on a window or sidewalk/driveway
• magnets.  We made a killer magnet board using a Goodwill frame (spray painted it purple) with a custom-cut piece of magnetic metal super-mega-glued to the inside.  It's 3'x4'.  We use our alphabet (put them in order) and number (do math problems) on it, as well as fun magnets like animals, vehicles, etc.  (see magnet board hung on the left-hand wall?)
  
   
• art supplies.  lots and lots and lots of art supplies.  our favorites are plain paper, kid-safe scissors, washable paint, canvases, stickers, coloring books (here is one my favorites, as an adult!), beans (for gluing onto paper), crayons, markers, Melissa and Doug scratch art, yarn, and colored pencils. 
• math press-down board.  My kids adore this toy I found in clearance at Home Goods.  They play with it in the car all the time!  It's a great non-electronic toy.
• counting objects.  These are great for math skills, identifying colors, categorizing, and understanding patterns.  Plus, they are just fun to play with!   This set I've had since I was in grade school, and we love using it for art and math.  When my oldest with struggling with math, we got a $1 clearance set of multi-colored unicorn figurines (her favorite!) and her attitude turned around instantly!   
• books, books, books, books

Our overall focus:

• Each month, we pick one Bible verse to memorize that matches the month's themes.  For example, this February, we are focusing on Valentine's Day, Black History Month, and babies (since my sister's baby is due).   I pull books from our personal library that focus on these things.  We read a book a day from the stack, plus additional books at bedtime and on the day we only read books.  This focus helps us not be overwhelmed, gives us the same thing to start off with each day (Bible verse and talking about our themes), and helps us select what books/videos to utilize.

Tips:

• When we can take our schooling outside, we do.  This means homeschooling on the porch, identifying words/numbers in the driveway with sidewalk chalk, collecting objects from nature to stamp-paint or create nature bottles, etc.  I'm also realistic.  After the girls have been at their schools that morning and after lunch, we try to go outside and ride bikes for a bit before sitting down to homeschool.
• Have a designated space for school, and make it attractive and organized.   Be sure to put homeschooling items you don't want your kids to get into on higher shelves.  If it's not a place you want to spend time in, why would your children?  Paint the room/area a fun color, hang up some kid-friendly art, and have a great table and enough chairs. 

• Choose a few subjects to focus on, especially when the kids are young. Our main three subjects are: math, handwriting, and reading.  
• Pick a day a week where you just read books together. 
• Pick a day a week that you don't homeschool, because you are going to need flexibility!  Use this day when someone is sick, when you have a lot of work to do at home, or you just don't feel like doing school!  
• Wear play clothes.  Buy washable supplies, but know that learning isn't always going to be tidy.  Put your children in clothes where you aren't going to fret over spills, pen marks, etc.
• Utilize homeschooling to spend time with your children.   There are many ways to teach a child to read, for example, without electronics.  Nothing is more magical than sitting a child in your lap and reading a good book (and it promotes attachment).   There's something to be said for delaying a lot of screen time for little ones.  
• Get creative.  I love to bake.  Baking is a fun activity that teaches little ones all about math (volume, fractions, etc.), following instructions, reading (the recipe, ingredient lists, etc.), and patience.  And it's so yummy!  
• If you are schooling multiple kids, games and puzzles can be a great way to let the kids learn together.  My girls take turns calling letter BINGO, they put together huge floor puzzles as a team, and my oldest can help teach her younger sister.   
• Give yourself and your children grace.  One of my life mottos, as a recovering perfectionist, is PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION. 
• When it comes to workbooks, don't assume that just because a book is labeled for a child of a certain age or grade level, that that particular workbook is right for your child.  It's always best to physically flip through the workbooks you want to use and then order them from the cheapest place possible (which is most likely Amazon).   
• When something isn't work, stop doing it.  Adjust.  More forward.  
• Do what works for you and your family.  For us, it's part-time homeschooling while utilizing our local public and private schools.   Homeschooling isn't all-or-nothing.
• Join FB homeschooling groups, in-person groups, and befriend experienced homeschooling parents.  
• Keep in mind that one of the perks of homeschooling is time together and building relationships, not just getting educated.
• Pinterest.  (No explanation needed for this one!)

Affordability:

• Buy supplies at the dollar store.  Another great place to get supplies is the "add on" items from Amazon.  (From the Amazon site:  "The Add-on program allows Amazon to offer thousands of low-priced items that would be cost-prohibitive to ship on their own. These items ship with qualifying orders over $25.")
• Ask for supplies for Christmas and birthdays instead of loads of plastic toys. Also, ask for gift cards for places like Amazon where your children can order books.  
• Utilize your library.  We rent movies and get the latest books (and old favorites) for free.
• Home Goods, TJMax, and Marshall's (all part of the same company) have awesome prices on books, Melissa and Doug products, Eeboo products, art supplies, and more.
• The day after a major holiday (Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween) go to your local stores such as Target, Micheal's, and Hobby Lobby to stock up on clearanced art supplies.  You can use the items right away or store them for the next holiday.  Likewise, go to bookstores the day after a major holiday to get 50% off or more on holiday-themed books for your children.
• My local FB swap and sell site always has dining room tables/chairs for sale.  We picked up our homeschooling room table and chairs (very sturdy and in good shape) for $40.  Because we got such a great deal, I don't worry when things spill or scratch.   

It's Adoption Month: And Here's What I Want You To Know About My Family

I’m not an adopter. I’m a parent.

My kids are my kids. Not my adopted kids.

My kids are real siblings.

Our adoptions were ethical.

We love our children’s birth families. We visit them. We honor them…

And we respect their decisions. And no one else can tell them or us that what they chose to do was wrong or right. No one else knows the circumstances of the situations. Nor should they.

We celebrate adoption in our household. The adoptions of our children, the family tree becoming an orchard. We recognize the joy and the pain, the ups and downs. We cry and mourn and laugh and dance.

We are honest and empathetic with our children.

We are not saviors, villains, heroes.

We are a real family.

We are always learning and evolving.

We are honored to be our children’s parents.

Adoption is bittersweet and complex.

Our children…well, our cups runneth over.

They are an intricate, beautiful blend of nature and nurture.

They are loved and wanted.  They always have been.

They are going to grow up and do great things, because they have the love, encouragement, and support of two families who love them each dearly.

The 6 Most Influential Parenting Books This Mama Has Ever Read

Parenting.

The most complex, draining, joyful, interesting, demanding, and ironic job I believe one can ever have.

Parenting is many things, but able-to-be-simplified is not really one of them.  Many books (and the experts or everyday parents who write them) have often attempted to create the perfect, easy guide to all-things-parenting.  But every one of them have failed. 

The authors I love, and trust, are those who don't claim to have it all together or claim to have perfect answers.  Rather, I trust the authors who are realistic and forgiving. Humor helps, too. 

Here are my current, top 6, favorite parenting books that have influenced me and why I love them:

The Hands Free Mama:  The author, first off, lives true to her message: less screen time, more in-the-moment-time. Her blog is simple, her posts are reflective and honest, and she doesn't post very often because she's busy being in-the-moment. Like most moms, I struggle with balancing all the electronic distractions (which begin as necessities for work and safety and communication) with living in the moment and relishing in the blessing of being my children's mother and my husband's wife.  And just being ME and enjoying who I am and what I'm capable of.  This book offers heartfelt messages, truth mamas need to hear, and practical steps to live hands free. 

The Connected Child: There are so many books that tell parents how to discipline their children effectively, but few get to the heart of parenting: connection. This book is written for adoptive parents, but I have found that the methods can be helpful to any parent-child relationship.  I greatly enjoy the tone of the book: honest, firm, and heartfelt. And the fact that when we wipe away all the discipline methods that do not work (at least not long-term) and get to the heart of the matter (the heart), connection and healing can happen.  I also love that though this book is about connection, the authors aren't "fluffy" or hokey.

No More Perfect Moms: As a type A lady, this book resonated with me on many levels. First, unlike a lot of Christian literature, I felt that the author didn't put forth a perfect Christian front. She's realistic, kind, and forthcoming. The author reminds readers that they don't have to be perfect because Jesus is the perfect One. We need to chill out, stop trying to take the Savior's place, and enjoy the children we have. This was a refreshing read in an age where perfectionism is expected.

The Girls Who Went Away Fair warning: this is a hard read. The author shares the stories of women who were coerced into placing their children for adoption in the 1950s and 60s. What does this have to do with parenting today? The author takes readers into the depths of manipulation, abuse, societal expectations, stereotypes, loss, and secrecy:  things that resonate with most women.  We are reminded of the bond between mother and child and the importance of demanding, seeking, and adhering to transparency and justice.

Breastfeeding Without Birthing The author goes where no author has gone before: an in-depth, experienced explanation of the possibilities a mother has when it comes to nurturing her baby at the breast even though she hasn't given birth to that baby. The author, an adoptive mother herself, and an experienced lactation consultant, gives women exactly what they want: truth, advice, and encouragement. (See my blog's most popular post on the same topic this book covers)

The Honest Toddler  This book is hysterically, laugh-out-loud funny. The author doesn't hold back one bit, sharing what all moms know to be true; motherhood is nothing like a Hallmark movie. Sometimes we need to shush the critical voices and just laugh. Laugh at ourselves, laugh at the parenting situations we find ourselves in. 

Three Bowls of Chili: Getting Grateful

It’s a Tuesday evening.  My three kids are all expressing various degrees of hysterics. My toddler, with his infinite ability to consume, is moaning “eeeaaattt” while collapsing at my feet. My daughters are wandering through the house, paper grocery bags over their heads, claiming they are headless.  You know, in celebration of Halloween.  I have spent much of the afternoon on the couch, my blood sugars refusing to stabilize, while the kids enjoyed watching back-to-back viewings of Frozen.

I’m grabbing toppings and the water pitcher out of the fridge, glancing at the clock.  My husband should be home any minute to take our middle daughter to her swimming lesson, and I get to entertain the oldest and youngest during the hour before bedtime, also known as hell-time.  I have yet to pack my daughter’s swim bag or dress her for class.

I’ve made chili, excited to start using the slow cooker again.  But instead of a chilly fall evening where we laugh over steaming bowls, it turns out to be one of those unpredictable Midwest fall days when it’s almost ninety degrees outside.  The heat makes us irritable. 

Today is also the day my phone has stopped working.  Like not just frozen where a simple restart remedies the problem, but the face is the dreaded Black Screen of Death.   My oldest is getting her hair braided tomorrow, and I need to check in and make sure the appointment is still set.  I cannot, however, because the braider’s phone number is stored in my phone, the phone that has picked today not to work. 

I wrangle my son into his highchair and hand him a piece of cheese and a Disney princess sippy cup, the only one clean.  I call to my daughters to get into their seats. Ten minutes to eat dinner, I notice.  I place cheese and crackers in front of them, and they reject the crackers made of pumpkin seeds, flax, and other things that are too brown and hearty.

I’m wearing a t-shirt that is at least five years old and says in cracked, screen-printed letters, “Stop diabetes.”  It’s ironic given the unstable blood sugars I’ve experienced the past few days. My hair, which was freshly cut and colored the night before, is sloppily braided in the front to keep it out of my face. I have on no makeup and have no energy.  No selfies today due to the resemblance to a scary Halloween lawn decoration.  Oh yes, and because my phone isn’t working.

I suddenly realize we have family pictures scheduled for Saturday morning, and despite today’s heat wave, Saturday is going to be significantly cooler, by approximately forty degrees.  And yes, my girls are wearing sleeveless shirts.  When will I have time to go get shirts to wear under (or over?) the sleeveless tops?  But won’t that look ridiculous?  But I don’t have time to choose all new, coordinating outfits for our family of five.

I turn the slow cooker dial from high to warm and remove the lid.  The scent of seasoned tomato goodness fills the kitchen as steam rises quickly into the air. I open the dishwasher, the one I still haven’t emptied from the previous evening, and find three, mismatched bowls.  I place them in a line in front of the slow cooker and begin to fish for a ladle from the over-crowded utensil drawers.   I finally discover it, faithfully jamming one of the drawers with its awkward shape, and I swiftly yank it out.

“I want to listen to music!” yells my middle child.  Then she burps, making her older sister giggle.

“I need more water.  I’m sooooo thirsty!” moans the oldest, as if she’s been traveling the Sahara all day.

“That’s not how you ask.  Try again,” I say over my shoulder.

“More water, please,” she replies in a rather insincere tone.

Meanwhile, my son discovers that if he hops in a seated position in his high chair, the entire chair moves, jumping in tiny, loud increments across the wood floor.  He’s grinning, his eyes wide with excitement, while his sisters-turned-mothers tell him to stop. When he doesn’t, the tattling ensues.

“MOMMMMMMMMMM!” my oldest belts out. “The baby…”

“I know, honey.  I’ll take care of it.” I reply, placing my hand across my eyes, attempting to channel inner peace.  It doesn’t work.  I still feel like Maleficent, ready to flip out and cast some crazy spells at any moment.  

I turn back to the kitchen counter and pick up the ladle.

And I pause.

There, lined up in all its hodgepodge glory, are three mismatched bowls, waiting to be filled with homemade chili.

And I realize that for all the things that go wrong every day, there is a lot to be thankful for.

To most of us who take on the role of parent, we know raising children is exhausting, frustrating, and daunting.  There are so many choices to make. The responsibility is great and the reward can sometimes be very little. Most parents I know are stressed and tired. We are doing the best we can, but we are often left with self-loathing, shaky confidence, and an unquenchable craving for margaritas at 3 p.m.

I am certainly no anomaly.  I spend most days in the exercise clothes I put on that morning.  I rarely have makeup on or my hair done. I spend my waking hours washing mountains of laundry, preparing meals and snacks, disciplining, cuddling, organizing, encouraging. I respond to editors’ e-mails while loading the dishwasher, supervising bath time, and wiping noses. 

Being a mom is the most difficult and most incredible thing I’ve taken on in my life so far.

For all its messiness (figuratively and literally), its emotional highs and lows, its unpredictability and irony, and its demands, motherhood is a gift.  And today, I’m thankful that I have three bowls to fill.

 

New Season, New Heartset

The other night, my husband and I finally had the opportunity to watch Philomena.  The film was deeply moving, but one scene in particular stood out to me above all the others: when Philomena has the opportunity to confront the nun who hid the truth about Philomena’s son.

Philomena’s response to the elderly nun: forgiveness.

And Philomena’s reporter-turned-friend is angry at her response. How can she forgive the woman who kept Philomena from her son for so many years?

Because, Philomena replies, not forgiving, living life full of hurt and anger, is exhausting. 

Exhaustion. Isn’t that something so many women can relate to? Exhausted due to work, parenting, relationship struggles, a sick relative, personal illness or addiction, financial issues…the list of possible depletions is incredibly long.

And we all have our thing or two that we carry with us, always, that works diligently to take from us. 

For me, it’s my full-time, forever and ever disease. It is by far the greatest stressor in my life. It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially difficult. Even with good insurance and a five-star specialist, even with all my knowledge of medical terminology and nutrition, even with a tremendous support team (my family)---this disease is really, really, really hard.

I wear it well. I don’t look like a stereotypical diabetic. My doctor praises my efforts. I don’t often complain about my blood sugars.  I’m a warrior. Survivor. Fighter. Every single day. And even on my dark, hard days, I’m still going, because I refuse to give in or give up.

But fighting every day is exhausting. It takes so much energy not only stay alive, but to have a good quality of life.

I didn’t choose this disease.

But in other things, I do have a choice.

My second greatest battle, one common to many women, is a spiritual one.

You see, I love information and hearing the experiences of others. I love seeing an ever-changing FB and Twitter feed. There’s always a great blog post to read, a video clip to watch, or a headline to mull over.  So many ideas, so many experiences, so many thoughts and questions and possibilities.

And overwhelmingly, so much negativity that takes up too much space in my mind and heart.

We each only have so much inside of us each day. We choose what we give that to. And unfortunately, we can give it away to things and people who don’t appreciate it, or even to strangers who don’t even know you or your family or your fears or your triumphs. We can also turn on ourselves, which can be debilitating.

Take parenting for example. There are so many how-to and how-not-to blogs and forums and articles. A person who reads enough can’t figure out which way is up. Worry steps in. Uncertainty. Fear. Discouragement. The world tells us, we are never, ever good enough, therefore, we are failures.  It’s not only overwhelming, it can be all-consuming.

Adoptive parenting, in particular, can be a challenge. There’s not only the parent and child, but biological family members, social workers, lawyers. There are questions from adopted children that will bring you to your knees. There are feelings of elation followed with guilt stemming from personal joy. There’s heartache, a lot of heartache, when an adoptive parent comes to the realization that adoption is so messy, so bittersweet, and so inherently and deeply flawed.  There are seasons where we feel completely unequipped and unworthy of the children we adopt.  There are times of mourning followed by moments of triumph. 

As a Christian, I have often taken my concerns and personal conflicts to God, having conversations with Him as I sort and battle. And every time, He speaks peace and understanding into my heart. These things evolve into wisdom and discernment. He puts people in my path to guide me. He has blessed me with a family who is incredibly supportive and encouraging.

He also reminds me that in Him, I never have to reach a certain level to be “good enough.” I am already redeemed. I am already free. He reminds me of who I am in Him. He also reminds me that all things will align when I am standing on His foundation, not the world’s sand.

You see, the world loves drama.  Unhelpful, deteriorating, quickly-offered criticism stemming from personal pain. Recently, one of my children was being bullied. And after handling the situation with the help of the school principal, I had shared with my girl this simple truth: hurting people hurt people.

Distraction. Judgment. Anger. War. Fear. Selfishness. Pride.

God is the opposite.  He is peace, joy, redemption, and the very ultimate Love.  He is never-changing, always, certain. Freeing. Confident.  Wise.

As a parent, one who had adopted three times, I have found myself caught up in doubt, focusing on the wrong people and things, listening to voices that seek to tear down and infect me with everything God doesn’t want from me. Reminds me of the Bible story I was just studying with my girls: Adam and Eve. EAT THE FRUIT, the world tempts.

This is not what God wants. He wants NO competitors.  No idols. He wants all of my heart, not the leftover parts after I’ve given everything else away. 

Anxiety isn’t from God. Distraction isn’t from God. Burning anger isn’t from God. Revenge, confusion, those aren’t from God either.

Exhaustion:  you guessed it.  Not from God.

God commands Christians to guard our hearts, because everything we do comes from our hearts.

As this season of thankfulness and giving quickly approaches, I am choosing no exhaustion. And to do this, I must reject the things that lead to exhaustion: listening and obeying distractions.

I choose to focus on the people and moments God puts before me to help me learn and grow. I choose to focus on progress, not perfection, because perfection is God, and I am not Him. I choose to focus on the path at my feet.

I choose to focus on the three precious children I have the honor of parenting.  The kids who can’t stop saying, “Look, Mom!” at every freshly fallen, colorful leaf, at every new bicycle trick, at every scampering squirrel, at every new trampoline jump. The kids who constantly offer humor. The kids who desire cuddles and kisses and soothing, encouraging words. The kids whose soft hands rest on my cheeks. The kid who cannot read enough books, eat enough homemade cookies, or have enough kitchen dance parties. The kids who call me “Mama” when they are happy or “MOM!” when they are frustrated.  

I choose to listen to my village: the supportive, encouraging, heart-challenging individuals who love my family and want the very best for us.

I choose to fight for ethical adoption practices and adoption education, through my writing and my interactions, because I think it’s what God wants.

I choose to pursue my passions and use my gifts.

I choose to love God with ALL my heart, soul, and mind. Unapologetically.  Relentlessly. And to teach my children to do the same.

I choose to remember David and Goliath. David won. The victory is already mine, because God is the stones.

I choose to be reflective, like Mary, who pondered the things God shared with her.

I choose empathy, listening to my children and giving them what they need, when they need it, and how they need it.

I choose to let God and the fruits of the Spirit reign as #1.


I choose counter-cultural love. 

All else will fall into place.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/ann-voskamp/

 

 

 

 

The Art of Chanel Christoff Davis (and a Coupon Code!)

Welcome our newest advertiser, Chanel!  She's the owner of a fabulous art company that sells notecards, canvas prints, art prints, greeting cards, home goods, apparel, and more! 

Chanel shares:

I grew up in the most amazing and magical city in the United States. Visiting my hometown of New Orleans is like opening a wonderful, colorful, vibrant, and musical living art history book. With such a creative and colorful beginning, having some sort of artistic talent is almost guaranteed. I have dabbled in all sorts of visual arts my entire life. I have taken up photography, scrapbooking, crocheting, and sewing to name a few.

 

I started painting to fill the walls of my first adult home after I got married. I never really picked up a paintbrush before that time. From that first experience of painting, I knew I was on to something special and I have not stop painting since.

 

My muse for much of my children’s art is my daughter. You will see her likeness in a lot of my paintings. In fact she inspired my series “Meme and Friends.” I wanted to fill my home with positive and joyful representations of people of color so that my daughter would see those images growing up.

 

My art is very colorful and vibrant, that’s why my tagline is “A Splash of Color to Brighten Your Heart Everyday”.

 

I will be working on new holiday themed paintings for the next couple of months, so check back often to see all of my latest creations.

 

Want something you don't see? Email me at: chanel@christoffdavis.com

 

Chanel has offered White Sugar, Brown Sugar readers a 10% off coupon code (use SUGAR at checkout) on their first purchase of small or large notecards.

 

Learn more about Chanel's art by connecting with her on Facebook, Instagram (ChristoffDavis), and Twitter.

Bandages for Kids of All Colors

Meet our newest advertiser, Tru-Colour Bandages!  Here's what creator Toby Meisenheimer has to say about his new company.                                                                       

Rachel: Tell me about your company.

 

Toby: Tru-Colour Bandages exists to promote Diversity in Healing.  For nearly a century, the world has accepted the fact that bandages come in one main skin tone, and relegated ourselves to cartoon characters when that didn't seem to fit.  Our mission is to address that imbalance and change the way bandages are sold forever.  I might just wear a dark bandage myself for the next 95 years until that becomes a reality!
 
Rachel:  What inspired you to create bandages for various skin tones?

 

Toby: My aha moment as an adoptive dad. We have 5 kids...2 that look a lot like us, and their 3 younger adopted siblings who don't.  I'm admitting failure as a white person to have lived nearly 40 years on earth and not noticed that entire cultures and people groups were being ignored (intentionally or not) by the bandage industry.  It's not right.  I'm sad to say that it took a personal encounter with me putting a bandage on my son Kai's forehead about a year ago and seeing for the first time the ridiculousness of it all.  I mean, the cosmetic industry has dozens of shades and skin tones.  But not bandages?  Not cool.  

 

I'm actually a financial planner by trade, with no hobbies, but I do enjoy business startups. So I went back to my alma mater and started asking some college students (my 11 year old son is the ball boy for the Wheaton men's lacrosse team) what they thought of the idea and if they'd want to be a part of it.  Their enthusiasm, ingenuity, and entrepreneurial spirit astounds me.  They are a generation that "gets it" and wants to see this solved.  We're not the first to try this, but we want to be the first to scale this.

 
Rachel:  Obviously, it's not just about bandages.  What stronger message are you trying to convey?  

 
Toby: We are successful if we change the bandage industry to match a variety of different skin tones.  If we are the company that is the catalyst to make this happen, then awesome."  

"I want my kids to have a choice when it comes to bandages.  Putting a bandage on my son or daughter when they are hurting is a huge thing.  It says, 'I'm here.  There's a fix for your hurt.  It's my job to help you forget your pain, overcome it and move on.'  When they already feel different than other people, it's nice to send them a message that there's a special bandage just for them and made for their uniquenesses.  Plus, let's be honest: If I can cut the crying down by a few minutes and it only costs me a dime, then sign me up!

 
Rachel: Are there more products in the works?

Toby: Yes! But we're secretive about this right now.  Our company is actually Tru-Colour Products, LLC, and our mission is to address skin-tone lack of diversity product injustices everywhere.  We need to be successful and sustainable with bandages first, but we have a vision to:

 

1. Help non-profits potentially use bandage packs as fundraisers.

 

2. Partner and advance other startups looking to address other potential products that are inadvertently targeted to white kids, when they could be made more attractive to a more diverse audience.

 

 Find Tru-Colour Bandages on

 Twitter

Instagram

Facebook
 

Flashcards for Black Kids: ABC ME!

I was on Facebook last week when a friend of mine posted about a new set of flashcards for black kids. Immediately intrigued (and quite excited!), I clicked on the link and within minutes, I had an e-mail out to the creator applauding her idea and product.

I have been a long-time advocate of products for black children, and I'm thrilled to see so many fabulous products being created in recent months. 

Meet my new friend Leilani Brooks, co-owner of ABC ME flashcards. And please find the company on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California immersed in diversity. Diverse friends, diverse schools, you name it. As I became an adult I saw that our country wasn't so diverse in their thinking or treatment of others. Namely the minorities. I began to worry for my children who are African American and how they will be treated in a world that tells them that greatness comes in the form of being a platinum rap artist, or a reality star with a raging temper. And so while homeshooling my son I came across a deck of flashcards depicting our nation's Presidents. The final card being President Barack Obama. The pride I felt looking at that card is really what birthed this project. I wanted to see a whole pack of US. Not just one here or there. I thought how powerful for a child to see themselves reflected on every card. To see the possibilities. I wanted it for my son and daughter. Then I wanted it for everyone's son or daughter. I chatted the idea up with a good friend and historian Stevi Meredith who agreed to come on board, and we sat on the idea for a few months. Then the Trayvon Martin verdict came in. It was with that verdict that I realized that while we can't change the way others choose to see us, we can choose the way we see ourselves. And when our kids see themselves as leaders, entrepreneurs, Olympiads, writers, then we begin to change and shape what society thinks. They will learn their history and it will in turn inspire them to do great things. That is my hope with ABC Me Flashcards. That the cards will inspire kids to Live to Learn, and Learn to Lead. Other cultures will follow. 

 

"We're a Real Family"

I'm thrilled to share my article, "We're a Very Real Family, Thank You Very Much," which was published over at Scary Mommy today!   It's been shared on Facebook over 23,000 times in just a matter of hours! 

Happy reading, and happy weekend!

5 Questions for Children's Book Author Blake Washington

I'm excited to introduce my readers to Blake Washington, author of a fabulous new children's book called Hooray for Helium.  What I loved most about her book is that it focuses on science, and she uses racially diverse characters.  The best part? She's just getting started!

Rachel: Tell me about yourself, personally and professionally.

Blake: I graduated in 2009 with a degree in Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering and work full time at a food manufacturing facility.  When I'm not at work, I'm typically with family and friends or taking a long walk around my neighborhood.  I have a big family with lots of siblings (including a twin sister) and hope to one day have a big family of my own.  Right now it's just me and my turtle, Phillip, but give me a few years and I'm sure my family will grow!  We adopted my little brother when he was four, and I plan on adopting two children myself.
 
Rachel: What inspired you to write Hooray for Helium?

Blake: My niece and nephew were my inspiration.  They are also the two main characters in the book. My nephew in particular inspired me as he said that he wants to write and publish a children's book of his own.  He is 9 years old and I couldn't be more proud!

Rachel: Your book features characters of different races. Was this intentional?  Why?

Blake: Absolutely.  I am mixed myself, black and hispanic, and I wanted an educational book targeting all races.  Every child should see a character that looks like them either on the cover or in the book.  We are a nation of so many colors and it is important to me that we uplift them all.

Rachel: Many books for young kids are about superheroes, princesses, pirates, and villains. Why create a book that focuses on science?

Blake: I volunteer as a tutor and noticed the students typically had a knowledge gap in math and science. I try to make learning fun and thought that a fun rhyme scheme paired with hands-on experiments could help close this gap. My goal was to encourage children to ask questions and explore the world around them. 

Rachel: What are you working on now?  Can we expect more books about science in the future?

Blake: I am currently focusing on setting up book signings and classroom presentations for Hooray for Helium, but I am also working on the second book in the series!  I have a few more pages to write before I complete the first draft.  This book introduces children to a different element of the Periodic Table. 

Follow Blake on Facebook

 

Lunch Box Love Notes

When I was in grade school, I took my lunch almost every day.  What I didn't have in my lunch box was the Fruit Roll-Ups that everyone else (seemingly) had.   But what my lunch did include, on the inside of the top lid, was a sticky note.

In my mom's script was a message:

I'm proud of you!

Have a good day!

See you after school!

It's Friday!

These notes almost always included a sparkly sticker or a hand-drawn smiley face.

These sticky notes, which I'm sure there were hundreds of them over the years, were small reminders of my mom's great love for me. In the midst of a sweaty day, full of math facts and spelling words and games of four-square, were small squares of paper that reminded me of the fact that I had someone cheering for me, encouraging me, loving me.

Fast-forward a few decades.

I'm a stay-at-home mom of three littles. They are wonderful, crazy, energetic, and at times, all-consuming.  My life is predictable: dishes, laundry, kisses, cooking, driving, reading books, negotiating, tickles, sweeping, writing, picking up, wiping, reassuring, packing, unpacking.  It can be simultaneously blissful and chaotic and frustrating and mind-numbing and humbling.

And it's so easy, despite being in church for as long as I can remember, to forget my foundational truths.  

Because in the midst of disciplining, planning, cleaning, teaching, playing, loving, and going, it's always immediate needs first.  Who needs food? A diaper change? An appointment made? A drink? A bath? We run out of milk.  Something spills.  The kids cry or argue.  Who needs a hug?  A bandage? Redirection?

I need a reminder.  No, I need reminders. 

Renewal.  Redirection.  Reassurance. 

Resurrection.

I need a lunch box love note.

And that's why there's the Bible.  And the Christian radio station.  And Christian friends.  And small, everyday miracles and moments.

These are the ways God whispers into my life and says, "I'm still here.  I've never left.  And I never will."

I can do great things through Christ.

I am doing great things, but only through His strength. 

I need His strength, because the job of raising three kids (successfully) is simply impossible to do on my own.

Some days, I'm so overwhelmed.  Other days, I simply surrender to the chaos, and not just surrender to it, but join in.  Some days I'm muttering curse words under my breath as yet another huge mess is made and another argument ensues over who gets to be Peter Pan.  Some days are sunny and happy and everyone is well-behaved and well-mannered.

But every day, every day, I need His strength.

Most days, I fail to recognize this fact.

And no matter how unfaithful or forgetful I can be, God shows up.

In a song playing quietly in the background of our noisy kitchen.

In a text from a friend.

In a phone call from my sister.

In a smile from a stranger.

In a verse during a very quick skim of my Bible.

These love notes are my breath, my hope, my possibility.

My encouragement that says I can keep going, keep doing, keep loving. 

Angry White Woman

Recently, my article on professionals not being so professional when it comes to adoptive families spurred a lot of buzz.  Are adoptive moms like me just too damn sensitive?  Or are we chronic defenders of our rights and the privacy our children deserve?  Should we just shut up and take whatever the world hands us, with a smile and a nod?  Or should we spend our energies fighting particular battles, demanding justice, and disagreeing with those who disrespect our families?

Here are some of my truths:

---My kids aren't poster children for adoption.  They are just my kids.  They didn't ask to be adopted.  They didn't ask to have white parents.  But their birth parents chose for us to be their parents, and we are honored to have the privilege.  My children aren't required to be anything but children. 

---I will and am teaching my children that it is ok to stand up for themselves and others when they are being treated unjustly.  It's ok to tell you, a random adult, "no" when they trying to harm my kids in any way.  It's ok to refuse to satisfy the curiosity of adults who abuse their positions of power to satisfy their personal curiosities.   My kids don't have to let you "pet" their hair.  My kids don't have to answer you when you ask, AGAIN, if they are "real" siblings. 

---I will, without shame or embarrassment or guilt or uncertainty, teach my children about their history as African Americans.  We will celebrate Black History Month, MLK's birthday, Juneteenth.  We will have Black Santa ornaments on our tree.  We will talk about slavery.  We will subscribe to Ebony and Essence.  We will celebrate their race, not disguise it in the name of "colorblindness." 

---I will give my children opportunities to foster a healthy racial identity.  This means, for us, having a mentor for our older two children and having a diverse group of friends.  (The research done on adult transracial adoptees says that where adoptive parents went wrong was not connecting their children with people of the children's same race so the opportunity for meaningful relationships could develop.)  I will have their hair professionally cut and braided, as well as take care of their hair myself.  And I will also let my kids be who they are, without trying to alter them to fit any mold. 

---The idea of talking about race and intentionally fostering my children's racial identity makes some really uncomfortable.  (Even seeing my family makes some people really uncomfortable!) Your comfort isn't my concern.  I'm mothering my children and celebrating who they are (their personalities, their feelings, their talents, and yes, their race).  I'm working diligently to teach them how to grow into independent, strong, compassionate, passionate, loving adults who value justice, equality, love, and challenges.  I want them to know that first and foremost, they are loved and created by God, that they were created to do divine things with their lives, and that we, their parents, will do anything to help them achieve their best.   My concern is not helping you stop feeling guilty about race, pacify your curiosity, or coddle your rudeness. 

---I'm doing a good job.  I know mothers aren't supposed to be self-affirming.  I know we are supposed to feel guilty and uncertain and overwhelmed.  (I'm not immune; I feel these things at times, sometimes in long seasons.)  But I know that God has put people in my life to boost me up: to inspire, to support, to cheer.  I know that my children are ok.  Not just ok, but awesome.  They are smart and talented and beautiful and funny.  They have some great nurture and some great nature.

Listen, I do worry a lot about colorism (my middle daughter is very dark-skinned) and racism + sexism (my son, a black boy).  My heart breaks for the young men and their families who are ripped apart by adults with guns who treat black boys like aggressive men.  I cheer when I see accomplished African Americans.  I point these stories out to my children.   I can't stand the term and concept of "colorblindness."

I want adults to act like adults.  Not turn every thought into words.  Not insist that my family prove ourselves, that my children make them feel better about adoption or race or both.  

You don't hear me ask a person in a wheelchair why he or she is wheelchair bound.  You don't hear me asking a person who is overweight if he or she has an over-eating issue or a metabolic disorder.  Because it's none of my damn business.   And because it doesn't matter.

My kids are people.  As Dr. Seuss said, so wisely, "A person's a person no matter how small."

So yes, when people question my children, when the news reports another senseless murder of a black boy, when I'm asked to produce "proof" of my family's authenticity, my mama bear comes out. 

Label it angry white woman if you want.

But I'd rather go through life knowing I stood up to wrongness rather than coddled it.   I'd rather be the one who defends rather than cowers.  I'd rather be the one who stands strong versus falling down.  I'd rather be the mother my children need than the white person you prefer, the one who pretends color doesn't exist and that we live in a post-racial society where we've all just "gotten over" race.

At times, yes, I'm angry.  And I'm always white and a woman.  But I'm not going to fit the mold that makes you comfortable. 

Because I'm too busy bringing up babies who are going to do great things.