Dear Sugar: Stop Worrying About Should

Dear Sugar,

The other day a friend and I were talking about all the notes that come home from school:  do this, bring this, wear that.  It can be overwhelming for the parent!   She said, "Things like this make me feel like a bad mom."   We simply cannot keep up, and we perpetually feel as if we are failing.

Later that afternoon, my toddler was napping and my five-year-old begged me to just sit with her and cuddle while we watched the movie she had selected at the library.   This is when the "should" kicked in.

I should be emptying the dishwasher.

I should be working on drafting my new book.

I should make her do her homeschooling outside in the sunny and sixty degree weather.

I should be figuring out what we're going to have for dinner.

I should be calling my medical supply company to deal with ordering issues.

I should call my girlfriend who just had a baby and wants to schedule a play date.

I should take a few quiet moments to read my Bible, say a prayer, and journal.

Should.

Should.

Should.



There are so many things we "should" be doing as moms that supposedly make us better moms, better wives, better women, better employees or employers, better friends, better Christians.

It's overwhelming, and frankly, we are chronically disappointed and exhausted because of all the shoulds.  Even when we manage to have a day where we feel accomplished, there are a hundred more shoulds lurking.

I spend too much time, embarrassingly, on thinking about shoulds and doing shoulds.  And unfortunately, this means missing precious moments, opportunities to unwind and relax and laugh, chances to listen and learn.

Today I decided to neglect all the shoulds.   Today I plopped on the couch, pulled my daughter onto my lap, and we watched her movie with a blanket draped over us, our fingers intertwined.

It was the most important should.  And it wasn't a task to accomplish, but a gift to be received.

This week Sugars, I want you to take care of business that you MUST take care of.  But all those little shoulds that are whispering in your ear, they need to be shushed.

---

And if you need further encouragement on how to make this happen, I highly recommend The Hands Free Life by Rachel Macy Stafford.  I'm NOT a fan of "self-improvement" books---but this book is very practical, heart-driven, and for me, life-changing (slowly but surely).

---

If you enjoyed this post, please join me on social media to discuss all things adoption, race, chronic disease, and motherhood.  Buttons with links to the right.  

The 6 Most Influential Parenting Books This Mama Has Ever Read

Parenting.

The most complex, draining, joyful, interesting, demanding, and ironic job I believe one can ever have.

Parenting is many things, but able-to-be-simplified is not really one of them.  Many books (and the experts or everyday parents who write them) have often attempted to create the perfect, easy guide to all-things-parenting.  But every one of them have failed. 

The authors I love, and trust, are those who don't claim to have it all together or claim to have perfect answers.  Rather, I trust the authors who are realistic and forgiving. Humor helps, too. 

Here are my current, top 6, favorite parenting books that have influenced me and why I love them:

The Hands Free Mama:  The author, first off, lives true to her message: less screen time, more in-the-moment-time. Her blog is simple, her posts are reflective and honest, and she doesn't post very often because she's busy being in-the-moment. Like most moms, I struggle with balancing all the electronic distractions (which begin as necessities for work and safety and communication) with living in the moment and relishing in the blessing of being my children's mother and my husband's wife.  And just being ME and enjoying who I am and what I'm capable of.  This book offers heartfelt messages, truth mamas need to hear, and practical steps to live hands free. 

The Connected Child: There are so many books that tell parents how to discipline their children effectively, but few get to the heart of parenting: connection. This book is written for adoptive parents, but I have found that the methods can be helpful to any parent-child relationship.  I greatly enjoy the tone of the book: honest, firm, and heartfelt. And the fact that when we wipe away all the discipline methods that do not work (at least not long-term) and get to the heart of the matter (the heart), connection and healing can happen.  I also love that though this book is about connection, the authors aren't "fluffy" or hokey.

No More Perfect Moms: As a type A lady, this book resonated with me on many levels. First, unlike a lot of Christian literature, I felt that the author didn't put forth a perfect Christian front. She's realistic, kind, and forthcoming. The author reminds readers that they don't have to be perfect because Jesus is the perfect One. We need to chill out, stop trying to take the Savior's place, and enjoy the children we have. This was a refreshing read in an age where perfectionism is expected.

The Girls Who Went Away Fair warning: this is a hard read. The author shares the stories of women who were coerced into placing their children for adoption in the 1950s and 60s. What does this have to do with parenting today? The author takes readers into the depths of manipulation, abuse, societal expectations, stereotypes, loss, and secrecy:  things that resonate with most women.  We are reminded of the bond between mother and child and the importance of demanding, seeking, and adhering to transparency and justice.

Breastfeeding Without Birthing The author goes where no author has gone before: an in-depth, experienced explanation of the possibilities a mother has when it comes to nurturing her baby at the breast even though she hasn't given birth to that baby. The author, an adoptive mother herself, and an experienced lactation consultant, gives women exactly what they want: truth, advice, and encouragement. (See my blog's most popular post on the same topic this book covers)

The Honest Toddler  This book is hysterically, laugh-out-loud funny. The author doesn't hold back one bit, sharing what all moms know to be true; motherhood is nothing like a Hallmark movie. Sometimes we need to shush the critical voices and just laugh. Laugh at ourselves, laugh at the parenting situations we find ourselves in.