5 Ways to Create a Racially Affirming Merry Christmas for your Multiracial Family

Christmas is our very favorite family holiday!  Over the years, we have created new family traditions that make our celebration all the more magical.  And if you're in a multiracial family like we are, Christmas is an opportunity to focus on the birth of Jesus while savoring the season with some fantastic racially affirming actions.

1:  Take your child to visit a Black Santa.

This takes some pre-planning, as it's not always easy to find a melanin-rich Santa.  You might have to travel to a diverse area, make lots of phone calls, and ask around.  But I think it's very important for children of color to know that yes, there was a real Santa (you can read about him here), and that now there are representations of Santa everywhere.  And yes, Santa CAN look like your child!  

2:  Create a Black musician Christmas playlist.

This is one of our favorite traditions:  listening to our playlist!  We love our eclectic mix of music styles and artists, as well as eras!  Artists I suggest include Darius Rucker, Jamie Grace, Mandisa, Ella Fitzgerald, John Legend, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, Etta James, Natalie Cole, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey.  We love Mickey Guyton's (female country artist) version of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman."  

3:  Build your home library.

The best day to shop is the day after Christmas when many bookstores mark their Christmas books down by 50% or more!  They often also carry Christmas cards, CDs, and DVDs.  

The best racially diverse children's Christmas books can be found here.

4:  Decorate!

If you've been following me on social media (especially my Insta stories), you know I LOVE racially diverse Christmas decor.   My go-to stores are TJ Maxx, Home Goods, and Marshalls (which are sister stores), Hobby Lobby, and Michael's.  Hallmark is also one of my favorite stores.  

The best time to buy this decor is the day after Christmas.  Hallmark, for example, usually marks their ornaments down by 30% the day after Christmas.  Other stores like Home Goods, Marshalls, and TJMaxx mark down by 50% the day after.   

Things to look for:  Black Nativity, angels, Santas, children figurines, ornaments, Christmas cards, snow globes, and wrapping paper.  (PS:  Hallmark carries the BEST wrapping paper in terms of quality.  Since we travel, I prefer paper that won't easily rip!)

5:  Bake.

My daughter and I recently learned how to make a fantastic sweet potato pie (gluten and dairy free, too!), and it's one of our new favorite traditions!  We love to make our pie and take it to family gatherings.  Baking is a fantastic way to bond and celebrate your child's racial culture.  There's a fantastic children's Christmas book that talks about different Christmas traditions (including favorite cookies) around the world that can help inspire you to get in the kitchen with your kids!  (There are some recipes included!)

And while you bake, play your new Christmas playlist!  (#2) 

6:  Attend a Christmas service at an African American church.

A holiday as sacred as Christmas should create special memories for your child.  When we put the focus on Christ, while also teaching our children that Christmas isn't just for white folks and Jesus WAS NOT white Himself, we're doing our children a great service.    I encourage you not to let the search for a fantastic church to being and end on Christmas.  (More on this in 2019!)  Because remember, your child is Black all year long.  

Dear one, it is NOT too late.  Get started on some new traditions TODAY!  

What to do When Your Adoptee Is Struggling With Adoption

It happened unexpectedly.  

One of my kids was focused on a worksheet in class when one of her peers seated next to her pointed to our family picture on the family poster on the wall nearby.  

"Is that your mom?" he asked.

She nodded yes.

He replied, "But she's white."  

My daughter didn't reply.

He continued, "That's weird."

The teacher had overheard the boy and immediately stepped in, telling him he was being rude and told him he owed my child an apology.  

(Read the end of this post to see what we did about this situation)

Sometimes our kids can be minding their own business, and adoption is thrown in their faces, uninvited.  

But that's how adoption goes often, right?  

The adoption conversations, thoughts, questions, and emotions can crop up anytime, anywhere.  They might be external or internal.  They can be positive, negative, or they may just be what they are.  

Sometimes they manifest into your child dramatically concluding they will run away and live with their birth parents.  Sometimes the manifestation is sadness, anger, frustration, or confusion.  Sometimes it's an adoptee fantasy of what their birth family's life is like, or they fill in the gaps of their own adoption story.  Sometimes these feelings and thoughts are fleeting, while other times, they sit and stay awhile.  

And the holidays, birthdays, school breaks, and traumaversaries can be triggering for adoptees.  You might see your child struggling more this time of year (Thanksgiving and Christmas).  

What about the hard seasons?  What is a parent to do?

1:  Review what you know. 

Pull out your copy of The Connected Child, meet up with your adoption support group, talk to your social worker, meet with that wise adoptive-mama friend, adoptee, or birth parent.  Look to the trusted people (your village) and resources you already have in place and are familiar with.   

When something challenging crops up, we often go into anxiety-mode.  When this happens, we are unable to think clearly and often forget what we already know.   This is why the very first thing you should do is pause and ask yourself, "What do I know to be true?  What do I know to be helpful?"  

If you're a person of faith, a great first-step is also to PAUSE and to PRAY.   I've had many help-me-Jesus moments with my kids when they've asked me HARD questions, and I started to internally panic.  When I said a quick prayer for wisdom, I was always granted something helpful.  

2:  Work to figure out what you do not know.

As your child gets older, new (and often surprising) struggles may crop up, leaving you wondering, "Why didn't I learn about this in our adoption training?" and "What do I do now?"   

Again, you are not helpless.  First, you have the foundation of what you already know.   Second, you have the ability to decide to seek additional resources and take action.   

You have to decide, do I channel my time and energy into worrying, or do I use my time and energy to work toward helping my child?  

3:  Find a counselor or other professional.  

Finding an adoption-competent counselor for your family can be one of the best moves you make.   This person serves as support, a sounding board, and a wise encourager.  He or she can point you to resources (books, conferences, other professionals, etc.) that can assist you in parenting your child.  

Some counselors will work with the entire family, while some specialize in just working with adults, teens, or children.  

Note:  I encourage families to do this even if their children are having no obvious issues related to adoption.  Why?  Because being proactive matters.  Don't wait until you're in crisis-mode to seek help.   

4:  Don't beat yourself up and take your child's struggles personally.

Adoptees struggling with adoption happens.

Re-read that for me, will you?

So, knowing this, your job, as your child's parent, isn't to get into an unhealthy cycle of self-blame or defensiveness.  

Your job IS to problem solve and work through feelings with your child.   

This isn't to say you aren't allowed to have your own feelings.  Many of us are "mama bears" and have BIG feelings when our kiddos are struggling.  This can be a powerful motivator to help our children, but it can also cause us to be really hard on ourselves.  If you find that your child's feelings are triggering feelings in you, figure out what you can do to help yourself.  Is it seeing a counselor?  Meeting with friends from the adoption triad?  Reading a book?  

---

I talked to my daughter about how she felt about what the child said to her.  Then I asked her how she would respond if something like that happened again.  She came up with 2-3 responses.   I told her she could be funny, serious, snarky, whatever!  It's HER adoption and HER personality, so it's HER choice how she responds.  Then we did a few practice conversations in which I played another kid talking to her about her adoption and her family.   I got these ideas from this workbook for adoptees.  

How have you helped your child work through an adoption struggle?

Dear Sugar: Valentine Gift Ideas for Young-ish Black Children

It's almost Valentine's Day, Sugar!  

If you've been here awhile, you know I LOVE holidays.   I have decor, I have food, and I always have little gifts for the kids.    It's so fun to celebrate in big and small ways!

Here are my suggestions for Valentine's gifts for young-ish Black children (some of which my children are getting this year!).  All feature Black characters and/or include Black characters.  Click on the image to learn more:

-This post contains affiliate links.

Dear Sugar: How to Make the New Year Happy (No Pie Crust Promises)

Hi, Sugar:  

I think we're all relieved that 2016 is over.   Turning the page to 2017 felt really good.   

In transparency, 2016 was on the hardest years for me for several reasons.   Our greatest joy was adopting our beautiful little girl, but every adoption process is unique.   Our recent adoption was treacherous.   I wasn't prepared for the depths and the anxiety.    

Of course, the election (the election...sigh) was stressful.   Divisive.  Exhausting.   In the past, elections for me were JUST elections...but this was significantly different.   

As we approached the end, the very end, of 2016, there were several people around me hurting in significant ways.   A sudden death of a young father and husband.   Two relatives were quite ill.   And unexpected news from home---an old friend losing a young spouse.

It seemed like 2016 was hard down to the very.  last.  minute.   

I spent Christmas Day, arguably my favorite day of the entire year, feeling like weight was on my chest and couldn't be lifted.  Despite the food, the children's giggles of delight, the warmth that radiates through rooms full of loved ones, I couldn't shake off the KNOWING that things weren't well.  All wasn't calm.  All wasn't bright.    

The losses that loved ones have faced weigh so heavily on my heart.   The brokenness.  The pending healing.   The hope colliding with devastation.    I tried so hard to focus on the Savior, that bright and bold star with its rays pointing straight to the only Hope, the Prince of Peace.  But my vision was foggy.    

Yet I sit in a nest of blessings.  My four beautiful children, happy and healthy.  My doting, dedicated husband.   My supportive extended family.   A career I love.  A warm and cozy home.    

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do in 2017.  I'm not to fond of resolutions, because they are fragile and futile.   Rarely does anyone successfully stick to them.   To me, I'm either ALL in or I'm not.   No "pie crust promises" ("easily made and easily broken," said the ever-wise Mary Poppins) here.   

If you know me in real life, you know I'm not an emotional person.   Ten years with a chronic disease and mothering four children has conditioned me to "suck it up, buttercup" and HOLD IT together.   If I fall apart, it's dominoes.   So I stand tall, push on, and persevere.   I'm a do-er.    

Lately though, through the recent heartbreaks of others, I've been thinking about learning to dance with the hard stuff.   About things like vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with being salt and light.  I've also been thinking about slowing down and appreciating what I have.  Not in a cliche way.  But a very authentic way.  

Having a "happy new year" is a choice.   It requires intention without lofty expectations.   It encourages joy and peace with what IS---even if the what IS might be sad, difficult, uncomfortable.  

I have my eyes set on a few new books, which I'll post here for you.   Some I've read, am reading, and some I hope to read very soon. 

Professionally, I'm going to pour some time into my YouTube channel.  I'm part-way through writing my new book (details coming soon).   I'm writing for Adoptimist, Babble, and Kindred + Co.   And as always, I'm enjoying engaging with my readers on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.    

I'd love to know what you're planning and hoping for in 2017.   What did 2016 teach you?   What's weighing on your heart and tugging on your soul?   

---

Books I'm treasuring in 2017---click on the image to learn more:    

-This post contains Amazon affiliate links.  

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Other random 2017 goals:

-Learn to crochet.   

-Exercise 3x a week, because I've been on a three month "maternity" leave from exercise (AKA:  LAZINESS and kids home from holiday break).  I miss my biceps.   

-Stick to my happiness list.   You can make yours in just a few seconds!  

Dear Sugar: To The Mom About To Lose Her S*** at Christmastime

Dear Sugar,

This week I lost my s***.

We had spent last weekend with my husband's family.   I'd spent days, correction, weeks, preparing. Buying gifts.  Wrapping gifts.  Doing laundry.  Packing.   Cleaning up the house so it wasn't a disaster when we got home.   When we finally reached our destination, it went pretty well.   But it was, as always, a lot of sleeplessness, sugar, and swimming (hotel pool) leading to fun in the moment followed by dysregulation station (toot toot!) when we got home---which of course lasts for days.  

It wasn't one thing that threw me off.   Really it was just a culmination of little events that made me decide I was DONE.    One kid told a lie.  Another kid wouldn't stop touching the other kids' gifts, reaching out a finger to prod the toy, rendering the toy's owner to an epic meltdown.   Of course, they also had to go straight back to school for three days of nonstop Christmas "fun" which included, more sugar, more disruption in routine---it was just too much.    Then the kids wouldn't pick up after themselves.  Mess after mess was left for me.  I couldn't keep up.  Then one of my kids gave her younger brother a haircut.  A haircut.   Every single whimper had me on sensory overload.  

My anxiety was rearing it's ugly head in the form of frustration, negativity, and drastic thinking (Christmas sucks!).   I decided that eating too many Christmas cookies and drinking too much coffee was the temporary answer...of course, then I was just jittery and more frazzled.

And break hadn't even started yet.   And we still have two more Christmas family celebrations to go.

And then I started thinking about the election.   And adoption ethics.  And a slew of other things....because you know, why not when you're already in a hole of despair?

Yes, I'm being dramatic.

I'm a "suck it up, buttercup" kind of girl.  Type A.  Strong.  Determined.   Driven.  Focused.   Putting on my big girl panties and DEALING.   But not this time.  

I love Christmas.   I love everything about it:  decorations, food, music, pjs, movies, church on Christmas Eve night, visiting family, shopping, wrapping, and opening.  

But what I'd forgotten is that Christmas, the first one, was very, very simple and humble.   And it didn't involve getting upset about everything that went wrong, like teen (unmarried) pregnancy, taxes, long journeys, and no room in the inn.    It was all about what went right.

Many moms are in my boat.  WE do the food prep.  The packing.  The shopping and wrapping.  The photo-taking.   The cleaning up.

And sometimes, like in my case, I take over when my husband chips in, because I want things done MY way.  Because after all, my way is the best way, right?

WE moms do almost all the GIVING.   And we are to do so CHEERFULLY.  

Then there is not a whole lot left, is there?    Except exhaustion, resentment, and squandered expectations.   Things undone.   Disappointment.

When my husband walked in the door that day, I said, "I'm out."  I went into my room with a notebook, my laptop, and a pen.   I took a super hot shower.   Then I crawled into my bed and wrote, watched about five episodes of The Office, and just chilled out.  

It wasn't easy.   I had suffocating waves of feelings:  guilt, resentment, frustration.   How could a GOOD mother just disengage like that, at BEDTIME, of all times?   During the blessed Christmas season?!?

It took a good three and a half hours before I emerged from my cave.  All the kids were in bed.  My husband had done the dishes and was feeding the baby.   The world didn't fall apart just because I checked out to get my s*** together.  But this was NOT the attitude I wanted to carry throughout the holiday season.  

I made a few decisions during those three hours---because I'll be damned if I'm not going to have a merry Christmas and enjoy my favorite holiday.

1: I will acknowledge my own needs to have time and space.   

I will state these, asking for help.   By doing so, it won't have to get to a breaking point.   I'll be proactive vs. reactive.

2:  I'm going to say no.
No to filling our afternoons with playdates or errands.   There is nothing we need THAT badly that I'm going to venture into a crowded store with four children.   My children can play independently or together---no additional friends needed.  

3:  We're spreading out our Christmas fun.  

Extending the holiday so the pace is slower and the season is more meaningful.     If this means doing things after Christmas, great.   

4:  Simplify, simplify, simplify.   

A Christmas tradition in my family is to make homemade sugar cookies and decorate them.  I just sent my husband to the store to buy pre-made sugar cookie dough.  No mixing and chilling in advance.   When we're ready to decorate, we can have cookies ready in minutes.  

Remember Christmas is all about hope and redemption.  Remember that Christmas reminds us that people look at the outside---the surface---but our God looks (and cares) about the conditions of our heart (1 Sam. 16:7).   

How's your heart today mama?   What can you do, practically, to better that condition?   What do you NEED in order to lean in to your Savior this Christmas?    

Make a list.

And don't check it twice.  

Don't apologize for having needs.  Don't revise the list.  Or edit it.   Or be ashamed of it.

Jesus came for you, too.   

  

Dear Sugar: Waiting to Adopt During the Holidays

Hey, Sugar!

So I started a YouTube channel.  It's been in the works for some time, but yesterday after reading gobs of posts in FB groups about the awfulness of waiting to adopt during the holidays, I knew I had to start NOW.

Please subscribe to my new YouTube channel, and let me know you are watching!   More videos coming in 2017!

As promised, here are the links to the books I mention in the video.  Just click on the picture to view the book on Amazon:

 















This post contains affiliate links.

#SameTeam

I'm writing this with a sigh.  A blissful sigh.

Last month, Steve and I went to the beach.  Alone.  For over three days.

It was early January.  We were coming down off Christmas-crazy (and three of our five family birthdays).  The living room had been stripped of it's holiday cheer and returned to normal, except with many more toys sprinkled all over the floor and furniture.  I was in the midst of writing book #3, submitting new articles to various publications, doing chores, managing my disease, getting the girls readjusted to being back in school, and wiping my son's nose 1500 times a day.   My younger two weren't sleeping.  One due to teething, the other due to a still-undiagnosed sleep issue.

We were tired.  Burnt out.  Blue.

We were bickering.  Trying to remember WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM (but failing).  Surrendering to life.

And here in the Midwest, we knew winter was just getting started.   Every day was the same:  gray skies, chilly temperatures, cloudy.

I had the revelation that we should go to the beach.  "We" being just Steve and I.  So on a whim, I told him my idea.  Within three days, we had flights and a room booked, a rental car on hold, and we were buying things that Florida people need, like sandals.  We secured child care (my parents). We were cautiously optimistic.  We held our breath hoping that no one would have an epic bout of illness.

The days leading up to our trip were full of anxiety and planning and trepidation.  Was this actually going to happen? 

It did.

We had the most blissful time.  We ate what we wanted, when we wanted.  Lunch at 2:30?  No problem!   Margaritas at noon on a Sunday?  Why not? Ping-pong on the beach at 9 p.m.?  Sure! Laying on hammocks and star-gazing?  Done!  Sleeping until 9:00 in the morning?  Yep!  Browsing a bookstore without telling someone "no touching" or "stop licking the floor"?  Check! 

One day, as we walked leisurely along the shell-floored shore, we passed by a family who appeared to have adopted two of their children.  I mentioned to Steve how unremarkable we are without our kids.  Invisible to others. Normal.  Uninteresting.  No double-takes, no questions about our authenticity, no "your kids are soooooooooooooo cute" comments that make us squirm and make our children uncomfortable.

Part of the reason our trip was the exact opposite of our everyday lives is because we didn't have to worry about keeping our little ones safe, alive, fed, bathed, and semi-happy.  But the other reason is that we weren't spotlighted when we saw another person or family.  We were just a pasty-skinned couple on vacation, not an "adoptive" family who, by our presence, must indicate that we have some incredibly interesting, complicated, mysterious life wrought with a history that would make for a great Lifetime movie.  Or maybe Hallmark.  

Our vacation gave us perspective.  It gave us renewal.  It gave us time to reflect, plan, and simply just BE.  We read.  We laughed.  We bickered a bit about things that didn't matter (because that is what married couples like us do). We were spontaneous. We were relaxed.  

We were just us, but not pre-kids us.  The vacation wasn't about going back to an earlier state of being or identity.  It was about getting re-grounded in who we are now ("old married couple") because we are parents:  more empathetic, more educated, more empowered.  

Getting away from "it all" provided us with the space we needed to think, to reconnect, and to consider.  It was wonderful. 

So if you find me sniffing a seashell or wearing short-sleeves in winter so I can keep an eye on my very slightly tanned arms, just know that I'm keeping vacation in my heart for as long as I can.