Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Birth Mother Never "Gets Over" Her Child

I am deeply disturbed when I hear adoptive parents (usually prospective, not experienced), the general public, and adoption professionals say that birth parents who place their kids can breathe a deep sigh of relief, "get over," and "move past" the child.

I know several birth parents, and not one of them "gets over" losing their own flesh and blood (even when the loss is voluntary)----because it's not natural to give your child "up" for adoption.

This isn't to say adoption can't be beautiful, that the birth parent made the wrong decision, or that the birth parent doesn't have seasons of joy and progress in his or her life.

What it does mean is that losing a child, be it through death, through miscarriage, through abortion, or through adoption, is incredibly heartbreaking and life-altering.

Consider this story published last week.    

I am honored to be my girls' mother, I look forward to adopting more children, but I'm also ever-mindful that someone else's loss was my gain.  That's the nature of adoption.    Tough pill to swallow.


  1. Thank you for that post!! Through my own experience of losing a child to cancer @ age 4 & now watching my adoptive 7 yr old daughter facing grief because she lost her aunt (who was like her mother) I understand!. Because of my own experience of losing a child, I grieve for my adoptive daughter with her loss & her aunt in ET!!!! It IS a hard pill to swallow!

  2. Just found your blog. I enjoyed reading this. I think someometimes people like to say to "get over it" when they themselves haven't been in your shoes. I was told when I lost my hubby (I was 40) that I would "get over it", and it hurt me deeply each and every time someone said it. I don't think they did it with poor intent, but it hurt nonetheless, and NONE of them were ever widowed. I am remarried now, but I am not "over" the loss and don't think I ever will be. Congratulations to you on your beautiful family.

  3. thanks for this much-needed perspective! adoption is a loss for the child too, even with the most wonderful and loving parents that ever existed, and i think the most successful adoptive parents acknowledge and respect that.


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