My Favorite Things: Gifts for Young Black Boys (Adoption Talk Link-Up)

'tis the season, Sugars!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!   Yep, it's in all caps.

This month, I'll be sharing my favorite things, starting with today's Adoption Talk Linkup post focusing on gifts for young Black boys.  I hope these suggestions inspire you to put them on your child's wish list and purchase them for other children (nieces and nephews, cousins, friends, kids you select from the local angel tree, etc.).  Today we're focusing on gifts for young Black boys.  All these items can be purchased from the links I share.  (I do not have an Amazon affiliate account, and I do not profit from sharing these items with you).

Stinkykid Doll Billy:  This is my son's favorite doll.  Billy is soft, adorable, and has curly black hair and medium/dark brown skin.



Corolle Mini Black Boy Doll (see him the middle row to the far left):  This doll is small and sturdy.  We had to call several specialty toy stores in order to order him, because these lots of dolls are sold to toy stores as shown.  You cannot JUST order a specific doll from a website like Amazon.   We found our doll at a toy store in Chicago who shipping him to us.  He ended up costing about $17, which is a lot for a small doll of his size, but he's absolutely adorable and well-made.   (The newer dolls, see second image below, are also for sale in toy stores.  The doll in the middle of the back row is a Black boy.)



Circo Mini Babies Dolls:  These are a cheaper alternative to the dolls above.  Target sells the mini dolls for about $5 each.   Though they aren't specifically girl or boy, you could purchase clothing to make your doll more "boy" looking.   These are also well-made and travel well, and you can't beat the price!  They are not sold online, so you must find them in store.  These make great stocking stuffers.


I Am So Brave! (Empowerment Series):  We LOVE this board book.  The art is simulatenously modern and vintage.  The colors are bright.  The message is empowering.  The entire plot stars a Black boy.




The Snowy Day:  You cannot go wrong with this book.  It's timeless!  It's classic!   My kids love the part where the snow goes "plop" on Peter's head and when Peter drags his feet through the snow.  Themes of friendship, of joy, of creativity.  



Joshua By the Sea:  There are three Joshua books, and this one is our favorite.  The illustrations are simple and soothing, and the words are calming.  All three books star Joshua, a young Black boy.



Peekaboo Morning:  This book is fun, bright, and always makes my son smile and giggle.  The character could be a Black boy or Black girl (the book doesn't clarify).



Art from TheExtentofSilence on Etsy:  We love her artwork.  (She's the illustrator for some of the LemonStarfish books including Princess Truly and the Hungry Bunny Problem).



Hallmark's Personalized Books, including THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS:  You can personalize the book's main character (skin, hair, eye, gender) and the name which appears on the cover and throughout the book.



Fisher-Price Little People Wheelie:  These are fun to play with alone or with a designated set.  Makes a great stocking stuffer.  Affordable, sturdy, adorable.




Hallmark African American Ornaments:  There are always a handful to choose from every year.  Here are a few available this year.

An InLinkz Link-up

Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!

Today's topic is Names. Grab a button for your post and join Erin, Jamie, Jenni, Jill, Madeleine, Rachel, and me!

New to linking up? We'd love to have you join us, here's how.

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Buy Coffee for Jerks?: Adoption Talk Link-Up

This topic is anything goes....so here goes something.

By now, you've probably heard the story of the woman who was standing in line at a coffee shop when she overheard the women behind her poking fun of her hair and her weight.  In return, the woman bought the two women's drinks.  Her 22 month old daughter was present during the incident.

Hold up.

This is like turning the other cheek.  Killing with kindness.  Catching flies with honey.  Salt and light. Counter-cultural, for certain.

I'm a mama bear.  When someone says something inappropriate or insulting to or in front of my kids, I feel my blood begin to boil.   Like the time my toddler son was called a "cute little thug," or when I hear someone say that something or someone is "so retarded," or when we're asked questions about adoption/our family's authenticity in the worst possible ways.  

I have had moments of victory.  For example, the time we were standing in line at Aldi to buy groceries and a stranger-woman turned to us and said, "Are they real sisters?"  (They being my two girls at the time).  I said, "Yes."  She then says, "But are they REALLY real sisters?"  Before I went all un-Jesus on her (it was right after church...), I took my girls by the hand and walked out the doors and to our car.    There was the time a woman blocked us from exiting our seats at my middle daughter's basketball game and began asking similar "real" questions.  I finally said to her, "That's really none of your business."   There was the time I was growing increasingly upset at a children's librarian who kept giving my family double-takes, and for some reason I felt like I must hold my tongue.  As we checked out our books, she confessed that she was adopted as a child and shared some of her experiences.  Giving her the benefit-of-the-doubt ended up being a fantastic opportunity to have a rich conversation.

But there have been times, as I shared in a recent Infant Adoption Guide podcast, that I gave away too much information and too much of my power as a mommy and advocate for my child.  These mostly occurred early in our parenting journey when I desperately wanted to be deemed as a real and confident and conquer the world mom.  What wasn't ok was that in being prideful, nervous, and anxious, I gave away too much information to people who didn't love us and wouldn't be part of our lives: they were just strangers.  Nosy strangers.

Families like mine constantly work at striking a balance between protecting our kids' stories and family privacy and being friendly enough that someone might actually want to be our friends for the long-haul.    Too much information makes us weak and isn't fair to our children, but too little information makes us seem snotty, uncertain, and prideful.  We dance, and dance, and dance again, each time getting a little smarter, stronger, and spot-on.

The mom at the coffee shop took the higher road than I have many times.  She had just a few minutes to decide what to do.  Should she give it to the women good (she had every right to!)?  Should she ignore the two women?  Should she put them in their place with a big dose of humble (pie) coffee?  Should she roll her eyes at them? Should she be passive aggressive, or just aggressive or just passive?

We moms are so hard on one another.  Strangers can be so cruel.     The saying is true.  Hurting people do hurt people.   What should we do in return, when we encounter hurt that stems from ignorance, pride, anger, confusion, selfishness, or bullying?

Every situation is different.  Every day is a new adventure in learning grace, patience, kindness, self-control.

One thing is for certain, the mom at the coffee shop made a choice that had far more of an impact than the alternatives.   I hope that I can have the wisdom, patience, and conviction to do the same, no matter my mood, my schedule, my anger, or my fears.

Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!

Today's topic is Names. Grab a button for your post and join Erin, Jamie, Jenni, Jill, Madeleine, Rachel, and me!

New to linking up? We'd love to have you join us, here's how.

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An InLinkz Link-up

Adoption Talk Link-Up: Names

Parents-by-adoption often have a lot of questions about naming their child:

• Is it ok to change the child's birth name if we don't like it?
• Is it ok to change the child's birth name if the name doesn't fit the child?
• Is it ok to change a hard-to-pronounce name?
• Should we offer to co-name the child with the child's biological parents?
• Is it ok to give a child we adopt a family name or name the child after dad making the son a "junior"?
• Is it ok to merge the child's birth name and the name we like?
• What if we give the child two middle names?
• What if teachers struggle to pronounce our child's name?
• What if our child gets made fun of by peers for his or her name?
• What if the expectant parents will only choose a family who will allow the expectant parents to name the child?
• Does the child's name need to be common in his or her racial culture? 

These dilemmas can be solved, I think, by asking oneself a single question:

• What will most benefit and potentially please my child?

Every adoptee and adoption situation is different, but ultimately what should matter most is the child and what will work for him or her.   If you are uncertain what would best benefit your child in terms of names, I suggest asking some adult adoptees what their opinions and experiences are.

For more on naming the child you adopt, check out pages 42-43 of my first book Come Rain or Come Shine:  A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children.  

An InLinkz Link-up

School and Adoption Sensitivity: Adoption Talk Link-Up

Before I became a stay-at-home-mom/writer, I taught college writing for eight years.  During these eight years, I learned a lot about what my students needed and how I, as their teacher, could provide those things for them to ensure they had the best learning experience possible.    Compound this education with becoming a mom by adoption (x3), and I've figured out that there are some things I need to do for my children's teachers, in terms of adoption, to make sure my kids have a great school year.

My second daughter, a preschooler, is being homeschooled this year.  As you've probably noticed, I've shared about this a lot in the past month, with the publication of my new homeschooling book.

My oldest daughter attended half-day kindergarten (at a public school) last year, and she is now in full day first grade at the same school.   It is important to me, always to protect my kids' personal adoption stories, but there are some things I feel the teachers need to know, including:

• Adoption is an open conversation in our home.  There are no secrets.  Therefore, the child may choose to freely talk about adoption at school.   However, we've empowered our child to know she doesn't have to answer questions about her adoption if she chooses not to.  
• Adoption is obviously how we built our family, but we aren't an "adoptive family."  We are a family.
• Adoption is complex and bittersweet.  If questions or concerns arise, please ask me!  
• I'll happily provide resources for the classroom or school library; this includes adoption resources and resources created by/featuring African Americans.  
• We refer to birth siblings and "siblings," therefore, you might here my child mention names of kids who aren't in our family.  
• We have open adoptions, so our child may talk about visits or communication with her biological family.  
• Sometimes my child may struggle with separation or transitions.  This might because of adoption, and it may not be.  But either way, I want you to be aware of it.   I let the teacher know the best way to help my child with times of separation or transition.  (For us, it's hugs.)
• School projects that involve the child's earliest days or biological information aren't difficult for us, as we adopted our kids at birth and have a lot of their information; however, these projects might need to be tailored at times to fit our unique family dynamic (and the different family dynamics of other classmates).  Please be flexible and let us adjust the assignments as needed.   For example, we don't really have a family tree.  It's more like a family orchard.  

What would you add? 

---
for more goodness this week, please check out my articles:

My Black Girls Need More Disney Princesses Who Look Like Him

5 Things I Did for my Kindergartner That I Won't Be Doing Again This Year

5 Reasons Why Kids Who Were Adopted May Benefit From Homeschooling

An InLinkz Link-up

Adoption Hurdles: Adoption Talk Link-Up

Adoption hurdles...an interesting topic for sure.

I know a lot of families-by-adoption take on the "it was hard but now it's over" attitude.  They easily forget how tough adoption can be, for the long-haul, not just in the waiting seasons.  This is one reason Madeleine and I wrote our book: Encouragement for the Adoption and Parenting Journey:  52 Devotions and a Journal.   We know the hard times ebb and flow.  There is no such thing as "easy" when it comes to parenting, and sometimes adoption can add complexity to our stories, our journeys.

Today, I want to share with you all a heart-post, a post that means so much to me.   If you search "adoption" on Pinterest, it's one of the top pins.  It's called Relishing in the Bittersweet, featured on a blog called I Am Not The Babysitter.

When I am faced, as I still am five years later, with guilt, sympathy, confusion, and heartache, I stop, I breathe, and I embrace these.    These feelings are not to be feared or ignored.    They are part of the journey.   This bittersweet adoption path has conditioned me to see with clarity, respond with love, and simmer in possibility.

An InLinkz Link-up

Maintaining Birth Family/Cultural Ties: Adoption Talk Linkup

Hey, Sugars!

This week we're focusing on one of two topics:  maintaining birth family OR cultural ties within the family-by-adoption.

Both topics are dear to my heart.  We have three open, transracial adoptions.  What does this mean in our day-to-day lives, in the "maintaining"? A lot of work, learning, and changing.   A lot of joys.  A lot of challenges.  Seasons of elation and seasons of confusion and seasons of difficulties.  Comes with the parenting territory.

What's kept us going, as the kids' parents, is a commitment to empathy, education, and empowerment.  The three Es.   And, above all, listening to God's whispers (and shouts) in our day-to-day parenting.

I write and talk a lot about openness in adoption and transacial adoption.  Books, media appearances, articles, and, of course, blog posts.   I'm incredibly passionate about these topics, mostly because I remember what it was like to be at the starting line and how oh-so-very-long-and-bumpy the track ahead appeared.   And then as we started that journey....the unexpected.   I felt like we were sometimes running with our eyes closed, never knowing when we'd fall in a pothole, stumble over debris, or find ourselves off the path completely.

Certainly, I cannot boil down my thoughts on transracial adoption and maintaining cultural ties to just a few bullet points.   I couldn't even boil it down to less than 200 pages.  :)  But I certainly believe there are some highlights that are incredibly important, worthy of their own post.  So here goes...

1:  Find a mentor for your child.   I cannot even begin to express how much my girls adore their mentor, she adores them, and I adore her.   I've been asked a few times how in the world do you find a mentor?   We called our local university (where I used to teach) and connected with faculty who were willing to send our information and request to a few students they felt would be a good match for us.   Through that, we interviewed about six young women.   We asked questions, watched them interact with the children, and asked about availability.    We wanted a female, someone who would be living in the area for some time, a Christian, and someone actively pursuing a college degree.    This relationship has been so beautiful, for all of us.   J has blessed us with hair advice, meeting her family and boyfriend, spending time with our girls, listening to our fears and struggles and offering suggestions.  We've been able to dine with her, advise her on college/educational matters, and encourage her in her goals.

J and Baby E 

2:   Get your child's hair done by someone else.  I am capable of doing my kids' hair.  And often, I do their hair.  I take pride in my growing ability to care for their hair.    However, there's nothing like the beauty, the experience, the investment, of having a person who racially matches my children doing the kids' hair.   It's worth the money.  The distances driven.    The relationships that have formed are invaluable.  And in case you haven't already heard, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT HAIR.  It's about history and culture and pride and confidence and joy and possibility.     And when my girls' hair is styled perfectly, created by the hands and experience of a person of color, and I'm asked, "Do you do their hair?" by a strangers, I can say with happiness that no, no I didn't.   Because between the knees or in the chair of a Black professional, memories were made and values were instilled.

   The latest hairstyles, done by our friend Miss R

3:   Fill your home with literature and art and toys by Black creators.   Reflections of your children throughout your home demonstrate that where your heart is.

One of our favorite books displayed in our living room

4:  Never stop learning about your child's racial culture, history, and present.  Follow Black news media sources on Facebook and Twitter, watch YouTube videos on how to style hair, take a class, subscribe to magazines like Essence, visit Black historical sites and monuments and festivals and restaurants, etc.  Watch movies.  Listen to music.  Just learn.  

Our subscription to ESSENCE has been a great resource for our family.  

5:  Have a diverse group of friends.  There is no substitute for face-to-face interactions and meaningful relationships with those whom you can listen to and learn from and love.   Though it's easy for today's adoptive parents to log on to any social media outlet and ask a question, having friendships that involve personal, intimate, and face-to-face interactions are priceless.

Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!

Todays topic is maintaining birth family and cultural ties. Grab a button for your post and join Erin, Jamie, Jenni, Jill, Madeleine, Rachel, and me! New to linking up? We'd love to have you join us, here's how.

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An InLinkz Link-up

Adoption Talk Link-Up: Mother's Day Week

Hi, Sugars!

I'm so glad your here.  I know this week can be very difficult for many.   You might be approaching Sunday with sadness, or with anxiety, or with gratitude, or with reflection.   Or, if you are like me, you are dealing with a myriad of colliding emotions.

I wanted to share a few things with you to hopefully inspire you and bring you hope.

For me, Mother's Day is a day of both celebration and sadness.  First, my kids' first mothers are always on my mind, but they are even more so in my heart-space on the kids' birthdays and on Mother's Day.  Check out my recent Huff-Post article called To the Women Who Birthed My Children.

I am ever-mindful that my motherhood came at a tremendous cost to three other women.  In the adoption community, birth/first/natural/biological mothers are often deemed selfless, heroic, and sacrificial.   I'm not really comfortable with these terms, because I feel like none of them envelop the magnitude of the loss, the giving, and the journey of adoption.  

These two quotes, in particular, sum up my thoughts on my kids' first mothers and Mother's Day:

Motherhood is my life's greatest joy and honor, but it is also bittersweet.

Because I'm very familiar with the tumultuous, challenging, and surprising journey adoption is, my friend Madeleine (mom by adoption and adoptee) and I decided that it was time for a book specifically for parents by adoption and parents-to-be (by adoption).   Our book is full of HEART messages.   We wrote the book we wished we would have had when we started our own journeys to our babies.   We pray that as our readers pour over our word, they are, well, as the title shares, encouraged.

However you choose to spend Mother's Day and no matter where you are in your journey, I pray that you are able to find peace, joy, and hope.

I'm cheering for you.

An InLinkz Link-up

Sibling Relationships: Adoption Talk Link Up

----This post is part of an ongoing blogging adventure called Adoption Talk Link Up----

Dear Stranger Who Asks the Real Siblings Question:

You see, when people see my family, I can bet on what questions will be asked of us.  The most common is:

Are the kids REAL siblings?  

(Or some form of that question, such as "Are they from the same family?")

From the frequency and predictability of this question, I have determined that strangers believe our family is just so interesting.   There must be a back story that we are just dying to reveal to the public. Our story must be a cross between a Disney, Hallmark, and Lifetime movie.  Mysterious.  Magical.   There's got to be a "once upon a time" and a "happily ever after," with a long, winding road of drama in between.

So, naturally, a great conversation starter is to approach us and ask how "REAL" we are. 

Every time, I inwardly groan, draw in a deep breath, and figure out how to respond in a semi-dignified way.

People mean well.

People are just curious.

You chose to adopt transracially, so you chose the spotlight.

Oh, geese!  Don't get offended.  Everyone is so sensitive these days!  

Translation:

• We do not have a right to privacy.
• Our children's very personal adoption stories should be made public for the benefit of curious strangers.
• We should answer nosy questions in order to not be perceived as rude.
• We should answer nosy questions in order to educate the public on adoption.

But answering, in a way that appeases the person, comes at a price:

• Answering teaches our children that their privacy is less-important than how we, the parents, are perceived by strangers.
• Answering teaches our children that it's acceptable for stranger adults to use their size and age to "bully" children.  
• Answering teaches our children that they are defined by their adoption, their history, or their "status."  
• Answering teaches our children that we, as adults, can take from them, instead of giving to them.  

If a nosy stranger could see our children day-to-day---the hugs, the cuddles, the arguments, the making up, the sharing, the smiles, the tears---they would know.  They would know how REAL our family is---how REAL the siblings are.  How authentic.  How genuine.   

But this is not what strangers see.  They see two White parents and three Black babies.  They see the range of skin tones, the different eye, nose, lip shapes, the different body types.  They see DIFFERENCE.   

Now, there's nothing wrong with SEEING difference.  

What is not okay is turning every thought into a verbal question or comment---questions and comments directed at innocent, wonderful, beautiful children.  What is not okay is using your bigger-taller-stronger-older status to demand answers from my babies.  

This isn't an interrogation.  And my kids will not be your prisoners.

The love, the relationship, the trust, the grace---these things are so REAL.  They are real between the kids, between us and the kids, between the kids and their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Real between the kids and their birth families. 

What you see, dear stranger, is difference.

But if you would take a few moments to observe.  Observe how when Baby E trips and falls, Miss E is at her side in a matter of seconds, asking in the sweetest voice, "Are you okay, sissy?"  Observe how Baby Z dashes toward an exit, and Miss E and Baby E run after him, grabbing at his hands and telling him it's not safe to run away.   Observe how the kids all try to grab the same toy at the same time and an argument, a real sibling argument, ensues.   Observe how my children say "Mommy" ten times a minute while tugging on my arm, or my pant leg, or my hair---or whatever they can grab. Observe how their father lovingly kisses their hurting places, changes the baby's diaper, and wrestles them while they squeal in delight---all within a five-minute period.  

And remember, my babies are listening and learning.  Please don't hand them ignorance or suspicion or demands.   Offer us a smile or a nod or a "nice to meet you" instead.