Happy Valentine's Day week, dear one! I thought it fitting that this week, we talk about how to really love adoption, by treating it with the respect it deserves, vs. being "common" like the majority.
1: Let the open adoption relationship grow organically.
Do not rush. It's not natural. It's not healthy.
I know sometimes there are "deadlines" to these things. Maybe you've been chosen three weeks before the baby is due. This doesn't mean you're in a state of relationship emergency where you throw all common sense to the wind.
Remember, the best relationships are ones of quality, not quantity. The number or texts you exchange doesn't equal the intimacy and commitment needed for a long-standing relationship.
2: Say no, even when it's difficult.
You will make many, many decisions along your adoption journey. Some may seem like no big deal or "easy," while others will be obviously major. However, all decisions you make are important.
I've shared many times, every single decision you make today can very well impact your child, the adoptee, forever.
This is why it's critical that you have a comprehensive understanding of what an ethical adoption is and how to be part of one. Without this foundation, you'll be subject to making unethical choices, even if these are unintentional.
When you know something isn't right, you need to have the courage and conviction to say "no" without apology. You won't regret doing the right thing.
3: Carefully select an adoption professional to work with, not being easily fooled.
I've shared so many times that just because an agency has "Christian" in their title, doesn't mean the agency is ethical. Just because an agency offers you short wait time, because they are "busy," doesn't mean they are a good fit. Just because an agency has a posh website and maternity home, doesn't mean they are worth the money they demand of you.
Be a critical thinker. Choosing an adoption professional isn't solely a heart decision. It's a head decision, too.
4: Commit to a lifetime of adoption education.
Your education is just beginning, because your child, an adoptee, will have needs throughout his or her lifetime that are related to adoption. How do you get educated and keep getting educated? You are part of an adoption support group, you are befriending adoption triad members, you are connected to an adoption-competent family therapist, you are reading books and blogs and articles, you are attending conferences. You do these things so that ultimately, you can give your child what he or she needs.
5: Learn as much as you can about connective parenting.
Connective parenting is gold. There are solid reasons for parents who have adopted to choose this way of raising their children: because it works. Trauma changes the brain. And honestly? Connective parenting works for any child. The methods (eye contact, voice control, re-dos, time-ins, etc.) make life at home more predictable and peaceful. Even though my four children are very different from one another, they are also all in need of the same things: connection first, and then correction. And, of course, love.
I grew up in the days of discipline that involved standing in a corner, a spanking, and/or grounding. When I was a teen and college student (often working as a babysitter or nanny), parenting evolved to include "time outs," clip charts, and not telling children "no" for fear of ruining their self-esteem.
Today there are many different types of parenting, often a mix of whatever the parent is feeling on any given day and what they've been raised to believe is best. But I'm here to tell you, consistency and science-based parenting works!
The number one book I recommend won't come as a shock to many of you. If you've been in the adoption or foster care community for any amount of time, you've heard of The Connected Child (and check out the free videos on Empowered to Connect). When a hopeful or new parent asks me what they need to know, I tell them, read The Connected Child first. Learn what trauma is and how it changes the brain. Grow to understand that connective parenting is SO important.
The main idea of The Connected Child is that we, as parents, first and foremost connect with our kids, and THEN we correct them. It's a parenting approach that helps kids who have experienced trauma (which arguably CAN extend to children adopted at birth) grow up to be adults who know how to connect with others in a healthy way and succeed in life.
Given our connective-driven approach to parenting, you won't be surprised (though maybe inspired?) by these five successful parenting phrases we use on repeat.
1: "Try again with respect."
I say this dozens of times per day. Granted, I have four kids, so yes, lots of attempts at disrespect.
This phrase comes directly from Empowered to Connect. Karyn Purvis encourages us to prompt our children to correct their original attempt by re-stating, in a respectful way, what they need to say or ask us.
The more we have used this phrase with our kids, the more they know EXACTLY what to do next. Here's an example:
Child: I'm hungry! Get me a snack, mom!
Me (acknowledging the child's blood sugar is low after a four-hour gap between lunch and arriving home from school): That's not how we speak. Try again with respect.
Child: May I have a snack, please?
Me: Good words! Absolutely! What can I get for you? We have yogurt, or I can get you some trail mix.
Note that I used a few Purvis/ETC phrases here (I bolded them for you.) I also offered two choices for my children, so I don't overwhelm them with choices, I give them the power of choosing, and I don't create a situation where they ask for options that I either don't have or don't allow (as a healthy snack).
Why use this phrase? It trains kids to ask the RIGHT way for what they want or need.
2: "I'm feeling ____."
When my child is struggling, I offer a prompt. I say, "I'm feeling..." and the child fills in the blank. (Sad/mad/angry/hurt.) Then I say, "Ok. Why are you feeling sad?" The child can articulate the events leading to the feeling. Then we work together to solve the problem and meet the child's need.
There is NO reason to tell a child how he or she should feel or try to dismiss those feelings. Rather, addressing them head-on and as a team works! Plus, we don't want to raise children who are constantly working to repress their feelings OR allow them to build and build until they explosively manifest in unhealthy, inappropriate actions.
Note: a child might be in a place where he or she is too dysregulated to articulate their feelings. If this is the case, utilize a calm-down space, or lead by saying something like, "I can see you are upset right now. Let's take some deep breaths together and then talk about how I can help you." Remember, with ETC, you don't isolate your child or rep reprimand them for having feelings. You work through the struggle WITH your child.
3: "R-E-S-P-E-C-T."
Sometimes I get really sick of saying, "Try again with respect." (Point #1). My kids LOVE the fact that they know how to spell respect (thanks to Aretha), so a simple spelling of the word is a great reminder for them to "straighten up." Plus, spelling a word can be fun and silly, and thus, attention grabbing.
There's been many times I'll say to my kids, "Come on! You know! R-E-S..." and they say, "P-E-C-T."
4: "I'm sorry for _____."
There's a lot of apologizing around here! A lot.
When I usher my kids into an apology session, we first discuss what happened so I can get to the bottom of the situation. I give each child a chance to tell his or her side of the story. I always ask, "Tell me what YOU did wrong, not what your sibling did wrong." This prompts the children to take ownership of their own actions.
Then the offender says to the other child, "I'm sorry for ____." (The blank is for the offense.) They must be making eye contact with each other, and they must use an appropriate tone and volume of voice. If not, I go back to, "Try again with respect." After an apology is offered, the receiver says, "I forgive." Then we move on.
I find that many parents see something happen between kids and force the offending child to "say sorry." It's superficial and ineffective.
Take the time to work through the situation. And keep in mind, not every situation means you have a big come-to-Jesus conversation. But some situations are certainly important enough to focus on.
5: "Get it together."
I know this sounds dismissive, but truly, it's a simple reminder that shenanigans won't be tolerated and instead, will be called out, but in a way that's direct and a bit silly. Sometimes playful love is exactly what a child needs: a reminder to be brave, be strong, and act appropriately. This is NOT a phrase to use when a child is dysregulated for any reason (sensory, fatigue, low blood sugar, etc.). Rather, this is something I use when a child is on-the-edge of making a series of poor choices, and I don't feel it's serious enough to share #1 ("try again with respect").
Also, don't get caught up in "correction" so much that you never have fun with your kids. Affirming your children, spending time with them, cheering them on at their concerts and games, oohing and ahhing over their impressive test score or art project, etc. are all important.
Remember, you're working to CONNECT and then CORRECT (when needed).
Dismissive. Conclusive. Critical. Assuming. Over-complimentary.
Comments from family and friends can be the most disheartening and discouraging for parents-by-adoption. Mostly because we know that even our "nearest and dearest" can be just as uneducated on adoption as the general public.
Having four kids and with a decade of parenting under my belt, I've learned a lot. A lot about adoption, a lot about raising children, a lot about trauma, and a lot about special needs.
Adoptees sometimes have needs that birth children do not. But when our dear ones only have experience raising birth children, they tend to react to our parenting with less-than-ideal reactions that can grate our nerves, hurt our feelings, and even offend us.
I've heard all these. Maybe you have, too?
1: "Have you tried...?"
Nothing is more annoying that working your butt off for your child and hearing someone suggest a ridiculous or old school "remedy." Whether it's CIO (cry it out), an herbal supplement, a "good spankin,'" or time-outs. We know how important attachment is for children who were adopted, and many common parenting practices are completely opposite of attaching in nature.
2: "It's just bad behavior."
There are absolutely times that all children behave badly. And there are also many times adopted children are reacting, not behaving poorly, their way through a struggle. Adoption grief can run deep, as explained in this video called "When Sad Looks Mad." And special needs, such as a child with sensory processing disorder, cannot be "fixed" with discipline.
3: "All children do that."
It's so hard when someone assumes that what your child does is just "normal" behavior when it isn't. For example, kids with sensory processing disorder can have sensory meltdowns. Sensory meltdowns are not the same thing as tantrums. And did you know that adoptees are more likely to have SPD than children who weren't adopted? Other struggles like attachment and food issues may occur in non-adopted children, but in adoptees, they issues are more likely and more complex.
4: "It's a boy thing." "It's a girl thing."
Nothing drives me more crazy than someone insisting that what my child is doing is because of his or her sex. Again, when my child with SPD was having struggles with hyperactivity, many of my dear ones insisted it's "just a boy thing." But I KNEW something else was going on, and thankfully I listened to my mommy-intuition. With girls (I have three!), the assumption is that they are going to be emotional. This stereotype pushes us to overlook an adoptee-girl who may be struggling with anxiety.
5: "She looks just like you!"
This one always puzzles me. (And yes, it's even been said to us, two white parents, of one or two of our four Black children!) I think it's intended to be a compliment or an attempt to assure us that our child is seen as truly ours...but I'm honestly not really sure. It's always really odd-uncomfortable-awkward to hear someone say this. Granted, it is true that some of our kids copy our mannerisms, voice intonation, syntax, etc. I believe sometimes this comment is a "defense" of the adoptive parents based on stereotypes regarding birth parents.
So, great. We've heard these things, but what do we do about them? How do we respond when a dear one says something like this to us...again?
I believe that two things can truly change a person's thinking. They are:
1: Experience.
Having personal experience with something can be the catalyst for true change. This means spending time observing and listening with an open heart and mind.
The experience part happens naturally with your nearest and dearest if you're spending time with them. I do realize that many families are spread out across the country (or even internationally) and don't always see each other frequently. That's why point #2 is going to be really important for these folks!
The key is that when experience happens, there needs to be an open heart and mind. You may have to encourage your dear ones to be backseat observers vs. backseat drivers (advice-givers) in order to truly understand your child and your parenting.
Additionally, you need to let your dear ones know that you are open to discussions-based on their observations and their education (#2). Let them ask questions! Remember, you were once a newbie too!
2: Education.
There are so many fantastic resources available! If your dear one is receptive to the experience portion, education comes next. Send your loved on articles, even books, and videos. Empowered to Connect is a fantastic resource; I particularly like their free videos (which are easy to pass on to others). The two books I highly recommend you give your loved one are: Adoption is a Family Affair and In On It. Tailor the education to your particular child: attachment, trauma, special needs, transracial adoption, open adoption, etc.
And then...
As a result of experience and education, the person develops empathy. And as a result of empathy, that person can offer you encouragement rather than advice.
This isn't to say there will be sheer perfection. But if a loved one is willing to make the effort to experience and get educated, he or she is well on the way to empathy and subsequently, encouragement.
For more on empathy, experience, encouragement, and education, give me your e-mail addy, and I'll send you a free e-book on these very important areas of focus!
