20 Things You Need to Know If You're Adopting a Child In 2020

Happy 2020, everyone! What an exciting year to adopt! I'm thankful that there is more information out there more than ever. When we started our adoption journey well over a decade ago, the resources were seriously lacking. We spent a lot of time scrambling and digging, trying to self-educate.

I truly believe that the more you know, the more adoption woke you become, the more ethical the journey will be. Why do adoption ethics matter so much? Well, I explain that in detail here. But in essence? Every choice you make now may very well impact others--including your child and their biological family, and of course, you too--forever. 

Now that we've the importance of adoption ethics established, here are twenty things you need to know about adoption in 2020.

1: Learn about the Adoption Tax Credit.

It's that time of the year when everyone is in full-on tax preparation mode. There is an adoption tax credit. You can get the adoption tax credit guidelines directly from the IRS website. It's usually easier to have a professional prepare your taxes when you're claiming the tax credit to make sure everything is done correctly.

2: Have the (adoption) baby shower.

Yes, it's OK to have a baby or child shower. You are an REM, as explained in The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption = a Real Expecting Mom. 

3: Educate your loved ones on the adoption process.

Don't leave your loved ones in the dark when it comes to adoption education. I highly recommend getting your nearest-and-dearest two books: In On It and Adoption is a Family Affair.

4: Establish an adoption village around your family.

You're in charge--and you need to take charge. Having a support system in place is critical to a family's success! I believe that the best village includes those who racially match your child + fellow adoptees, plus other adoptive families. 

5: Learn about connective, trauma-informed parenting.

Many of us in the adoption community use resources like Empowered to Connect and books by Dan Siegel because we have realized that parenting adoptees--who arguably have all experienced some level of trauma--means learning to parent differently than how we were raised. 

6: Get informed about adoptive breastfeeding.

Attachment parenting practices can be incredibly beneficial to the family who adopts. Adoptive breastfeeding in one option. There's a fantastic book called Breastfeeding Without Birthing to help you get informed. Not your thing? There are other options like skin-to-skin, bottle nursing, and other attachment parenting practices like baby-wearing.

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How is it possible that of all the women in the world, I was chosen to be her mom? 🌎💖 Do you ever sit in awe of your family’s story? 👇🏽👇🏾👇🏼 . . . #adoption #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #babygirl #multiracialfamily #whitesugarbrownsugar #naptime #thehopefulmomsguidetoadoption #daughter #momlife #mom #adoptivefamily #thisisus #melaninpoppin #tuesdaymotivation

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Dec 17, 2019 at 6:39am PST

7: Listen and learn from adoptees.

Adoptees are those who were (or some say "are") adopted. More and more adult adoptees are speaking out about their experiences. Check out some of my favorites, including Michelle Madrid-Branch, the guys who host Yes, I'm Adopted. Don't Make It Weird, and Katie Naftzger.

8: Listen and learn from birth parents.

Of course, it's important to listen to another important person in the adoption triad: birth parents. (In case you're new to adoption, the "adoption triad" refers to the adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptee.) Jill M. Murphy is one of my favorite resources, the author of Finding Motherhood. She's a birth mom and a mom-by-international-transracial adoption.

9: Post-adoption depression is real.

Learn what you can about post-adoption depression. It doesn't mean you'll experience it--but if you do, you'll be able to recognize the signs and know what steps to take next. 

10: Discover more about open adoption.

More and more adoptions are starting out as, or becoming more, open. Because of this, it's important to understand what open adoption is and isn't, how to have a healthy open adoption, and what to do when challenges arise. We talk a lot about open adoption here--because we have four open adoptions! 

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Question we get often. Do I do my kids’ hair? Yes and no. For the older girls: I shampoo, condition, moisturize, detangle, blow dry (prep). Braider braids. Hubby takes braids out. It takes THREE of us! Our son: he goes to a barber and gets a bald fade. He prefers short hair. Our toddler: I do it all. Sometimes free, sometimes puffs, sometimes box braids with beads. 👱🏼‍♂️👱🏼‍♀️👩🏾‍🦱👩🏿‍🦱👦🏽👧🏿 Have a question for me? Who does hair in your fam? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #bigfamily #multiracialfamily #momlife #transracialadoption #lovemakesafamily #melaninpoppin #adoptionislove #naturalhair #november #nationaladoptionmonth #whitesugarbrownsugar #friday #fridayvibes😎

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11: DNA testing is becoming more popular.

DNA testing is a controversial topic--but especially in the adoption community. Do you dare open up that "can of worms"? When is DNA testing OK and when is it not? I give you an honest review of Ancestry DNA testing here.

12: Select an ethical adoption agency or professional.

Choosing whom you'll work with is among the most important adoption decisions you'll ever make. Don't think that just because an agency is Christian, it is ethical by default. I give you everything you need to know when choosing an adoption agency here. 

13: Support your transracial adoptee.

Adopting transracially and being a multiracial family is different than raising a child of the same race--majorly different. Be prepared! Learn all you can about how to support your transracial adoptee. 

14: Learn how to fundraise.

Many who adopt rely on fundraising and grants to do so. This is another controversial topic in the adoption community--one that you need to delve into and decide upon. 

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Garlinghouse adoption fact: we went into adoption not knowing how many kids, what sex, what level of need, or what race our children would be.💓 In 2008, we were chosen to adopt a newborn Black baby girl. Two years later, another Black baby girl. Two years later, a Black baby boy. Three years later, a Black baby girl. Our family is multiracial, big, and there are some special needs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 💓 What’s your family like? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #bigfamily #daughter #son #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #adoptivemom #adoptee #adoptionjourney #adoptionstory #lovemakesafamily #adoptionislove #openadoption #domesticadoption #newbornadoption #transracialadoption #transracialfamily #transracialadoptee #sunday #sundayfunday

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15: Never stop learning.

I advise families to never stop learning about adoption. More and more resources are becoming available to us including studies, articles, podcasts, videos, conferences, workshops, and books. One thing you can do is make sure to keep up with the latest blog posts. I'm posting the latest information as it becomes available to us.

16: Know that a "failed adoption" is a possibility.

We've experienced multiple situations where the adoption didn't happen--and yes, it left us brokenhearted, disappointed, angry, frustrated, and uncertain. But the reality is, a mom and dad have every right to parent their own child--and we, as hopeful adoptive parents, don't have the right to someone else's baby. What is the correct response? I outline that here.

17: It's OK to fall in love with a child who isn't yours.

Being so guarded that you fail to open your heart isn't healthy. There is always a risk of an adoption not happening. But that doesn't mean you walk around with walls up. This was a powerful lesson I learned during our fourth adoption.

18: Adoption language matters.

There are certain problematic phrases that are common in the adoption community. One example is "adoption rocks" which many adoptees take issue with. Learn about adoption language and why it matters what you say and share on social media.

19: Your child's adoption story is sacred and privacy matters.

I know you're excited to adopt--but please, don't hand out your child's adoption story to anyone who asks you about it. It's important, from the get-go, that you learn to respect your child's sacred adoption story. 

20: No adoption is easy.

The adoption process and subsequent parenting of an adoptee is a journey--one with ups and downs. You need to be committed, relentless, and ever-mindful of what it means to parent an adoptee. You CAN do this.

Cheers to the new year, to your new adoption adventure, and for all that comes next! 

5 Things Hopeful and New Adoptive Parents Need to Know Right Now

I was once there. 

Brand spanking new to adoption.  Completely consumed by new-mommyhood.   Diapers.  Bottles.  Nighttime feedings.  Pacifiers.  Medical appointments. 

I had big ideas and no experience. 

And here we are, twelve years and four kids later.  A lot of time.  A lot of experience. 

I spend a good part of my day, every day, talking to families-by-adoption and fostering.  In messages, in comments on posts, and via e-mail. I've read a lot and heard a lot, and "a lot" makes me cringe. 

Now, I'm not about to slap the blame on newbie parents.  Let me be very clear about that.  There are two struggles newbie parents face:

1-lack of experience.

2-lack of education.

The lack of education part falls largely on the parents' adoption professional.  This person or entity SHOULD prepare the family as much as possible. 

But when I look back on our own experience, we were ONLY prepared (as we could be) because we took the initiative to throw ourselves into the adoption community (via reading, meeting with people, etc.) for the fourteen months we waited for our first child.  And we have yet to let that education journey cease.  We are ALWAYS learning and changing. 

Our agency didn't prepare us.  They didn't. 

Perhaps, if you're a newbie, you're in the same boat we were? 

So here we are, in this place of experience and education, and I want you to know that the following are things I hear often from newbie parents.  And they aren't OK. 

1:  "I don't care what color my baby is."

But you should.  You should.

Your baby's color (their race) is who your child is.  It cannot be changed, erased, minimized, or ignored.   Doing so is detrimental to the child's well-being. 

You need to care and care A LOT about your child's race.  You need to prepare, learn, change, grow.  You need to NEVER stop learning and changing.   EVER. 

Because, just in case you're confused or uncertain, America and race have a nasty, complicated history that isn't going anywhere. 

It's time to get woke and stay woke about race in America.  There's some great books you can read, for starters. 

2:  "DNA doesn't matter, because love is what makes a family."

DNA was your child's start.  DNA is your child's forever imprint.  DNA absolutely matters.

I'm raising four adoptees, all of whom have some level of contact/communication with their biological families.  Some relationships are much closer than others, and in these relationships, especially during visits, there is a CLEAR connection between the biological family and the adoptee.  It's in the ways they speak, look, gesture.  It's in preferences and personalities.   It's in the way a laugh sounds.  It's in EVERYTHING.   And it matters.

Of course, of course love can make a family.   I say ALL the time that "love made my family."  But there's not a competition between adoption and biology.  It's unnecessary.  They can co-exist.  They should co-exist for the well-being of the adoptee. 

There are other phrases I don't use, too.  The ones I don't use and why is shared here.

3:  "I chose to adopt a newborn, because I didn't want to adopt a child who might have issues."

Let me cut-to-the-chase here:  children adopted at birth can have "issues." Medical issues, mental health issues, adoption struggles. 

Arguably, adoption is trauma. Some adoptees swear that yes, all adoption is trauma for the adoptee.  Some argue it's not.  Some argue that "some" adoptions are trauma.

I'm not here to tell you which is right.   But I am here to tell you, you are not adopting a "blank slate" just because your child came to you at a certain young age. Your child was with his or her biological mother, in utero, for a significant and critical time period.   This cannot be dismissed, ignored, or minimized.  Furthermore, adoption is a severing.   Either or both of these things can be traumatic. 

I highly recommend you read and consider the book so many of us in the adoption community swear by and lean on:  The Connected Child.   There are loads of free videos on their website, too, which can be helpful after you read the book. 

I also want you to know that you shouldn't "borrow trouble."  Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, explores this in her book (which is written directly to those who adopt).   Please, please read the book.   It's incredibly encouraging and insightful.   Basically, Madeleine doesn't want us to force our kids to have issues ("borrow trouble") because of our own hang-ups and adoption education (sometimes from unreliable sources); but she also wants us to be open to our children's individual needs. 

4:  "Her bio mom and I are best friends.  I mean really, we are like sisters!"

I always hold my breath when I hear something along these lines.

First, I readily admit, each open adoption is unique.  And nothing irks me more than when outsiders dissect or judge the decisions of an adoptive parent, birth parent, and adoptee.  However, it's really important that good, long-lasting relationships take place organically AND intentionally. 

And ultimately, the relationship between a birth and adoptive parent shouldn't be selfishly motivated (what makes each of them feel good) but what is best for the adoptee.

Always, always, always, what is best for the adoptee is the most important thing. 

Open adoption is complicated.  It just is.  Any relationship based upon a major decision (like placing a child for adoption) is going to be complicated. 

The relationship between the biological and adoptive parent needs to be honest, flexible, organic, sacred, respectful.   It needs to be safe.   And all of these things take constant work. 

5:  "I don't know when the best time is to talk to my child about adoption, so I just haven't yet." 

Let me be perfect clear:  the best time to talk to your child about adoption is from day #1. 

There is no "perfect moment" for the "big reveal." 

There is no single and perfect moment.  Talking about adoption is a life-long conversation.  And adoption is far from perfect. 

There is no big reveal. Adoption, again, is a life-long conversation.  Not a one-and-done. 

I understand that many are uncertain HOW to talk to their kids.  That's OK.   But just because you aren't sure you have the perfect words or timing doesn't give you permission to avoid the conversations. 

Talk to other parents-by-adoption.  Talk to your adoption professional.  Talk to adoptees.   Get educated.  Get ready.   

5 Things Your Adoption Agency Probably Didn't Tell You

Our adoption education wasn't great.  I'll be honest.

I thought the agency we had chosen would enlighten us.  Prepare us.  Give us Adoption 101.

But I was wrong.  

ALL of our education initially came from our determination to self-educate.  We met with families who had adopted, we read books, and we talked (a lot) about adoption.  Then came the experience of being parents.  As the years went on, more and more resources became available to us (thankfully!).

Unfortunately, to this day, when I share information about adoption, too many current and hopeful adoptive mamas are shocked at what I share.  And I wonder, why didn't their agency tell them this???

So today, I want to share with you five things I've learned that adoption agencies aren't regularly sharing:

1:  Open adoption is really freaking complicated.

Open adoption is often advertised by adoption professionals as a win-win-win (for the adoptive parents, adoptee, and birth family).  Everyone knows how the other is doing, there's ongoing communication, and the mystery of adoption is nearly eradicated.  It's perfect, right? 

Or maybe, you're feeling totally opposite.  You are terrified of open adoption because of what your agency HAS told you.  It sounds good, maybe even too good to be true, and you're not having it.

Well, open adoption, like everything in adoption, is complex.  There's nothing easy about it.   Yes, it can be beneficial,

2:  Cute babies of color become threatening in the eyes of society as they get older.

Adoption agency websites and brochures feature a diverse "cast" of babies, but the melanin-rich baby that society "oohs" and "ahhs" over today, is the preteen, teen, or young adult subject to America's racism tomorrow.  Even kids as young as toddlers can experience racism, such as the time my two-year-old son was called a "cute little thug" but an acquaintance. 

You need to be prepared to parent kids of color for the long-haul, which means a commitment to for a lifetime.

3:  Some adoptees will experience and express trauma.

Even babies adopted at birth can experience trauma, including if a birth mother had a challenging pregnancy from stress, substance usage, health struggles, etc.   Some adoptees state that the separation they experienced from their biological families (yes, even at birth) has caused them to feel broken, hurt, angry, and confused for much of their lives (or, it's surfaced in certain seasons, such as when they had a child themselves).   You can read some posts by adoptee Michelle Madrid-Branch here and here.

This is why many of us in the adoption community are pro adoption-education and pro attachment-parenting.  These two things, we believe, are vital to our children's well-being.  I highly recommend that parents read this book on attachment and trauma in the adoptee.  Because the more you know, the more you are able to help your child!  I also recommend this book written by an adoptee directly to those of us who adopt children.

4:  You must tell your child early and often that he or she was adopted.

I see posts regularly where a mom-by-adoption asks, "When should I tell my child that he's adopted?"

DAY ONE. 

Adoption should be a continual conversation in your home, not a one time talk or a big reveal.

Pray for your children's birth families nightly (and aloud), have photos of them in books or in frames, and have books about adoption for your child.  As the child gets older, you can consider an adoption support group for adoptees and an adoption-competent therapist. 

5:  You might experience post-adoption depression.

Many adoptive parents focus on the struggles a birth parent has after placing a child for adoption:  and rightfully so.   But what agencies don't always tell parents is that if you adopt, you can experience post-adoption struggles, including adoption. 

There's only one book on the subject, and I'll be honest, it's quite text-bookish.  This is why I wrote this relateable, conversational post on post-adoption depression.  I was floored by the number of comments and messages I receive from people sharing their stories of post-adoption depression. 

If you are hoping to embark on an adoption journey, get started with this guide.

The 5 Questions Hopeful Adoptive Moms Ask Me the Most

FAQs.  

I'm on year #13 of being part of the adoption community.  When a hopeful adoptive mom learns I've had quite a bit of experience, I'm often asked one (or more) of these five questions.

What I tell these women first is that what I experience will not be what you experience.  Every adoption journey is unique.  But I know what they want:  a sense of security, a source of knowledge, and a voice that says, "I get where you are, sister." 

1:  How long did you wait?

We waited the longest during our first adoption journey:  14 months.  During that time we probably had 15 profile showings.  Interestingly, almost all our showings were for white baby boys.   Then, on a balmy November, while painting our kitchen, we got THE call.  A baby girl already born.  

Our second adoption journey was quite different. We assumed we would wait a long time, perhaps even longer than our first time, because we were no longer a childless couple.  But we were wrong.  On our very FIRST day of waiting, we were chosen for a baby girl already born.

Our third adoption journey, we assumed, again, that we would wait longer because we already had two children.  Within two months, we were matched, and then within another two months, placed with our son.  

We waited four years to adopt again, and we were matched BEFORE we officially started waiting, got a homestudy done, and waited four months for our daughter to be born. 

It might seem, on the surface, that we've had an easy road.  But as I've shared previously, we had four "failed" adoptions. 

2:  How do you choose an agency? 

This is a BIG question, one I cover in my latest book and in several blog posts, including this one on Christian adoption agencies.  I encourage people to read these.  My #1 piece of advice is to choose wisely and not on numbers (stats of the agency placing babies).  We were very fortunate to find small, ethical adoption agencies that were affordable.  I am a big advocate of using an agency vs. trying to find a placement on your own, mostly because going rogue can lead you to be scammed or to engage in an unethical situation.

*I do not recommend agencies.  Because of the turn over in staff, policies, and laws, it's my policy not to make recommendations to families.  Rather, I offer advice on how to CHOOSE an agency. 

3:  What does an open adoption look like?

Open adoption is different for every relationship.  For us, our open adoptions include:  snail mail, texts, FaceTime calls, e-mails, and visits.   Open adoption is NOT easy or simple; it requires a lot of work, commitment, and flexibility.  You also need empathy and grace in order for the open adoption to be successful.  And there are certainly times the adoption should not be open (or wide open).   We believe open adoption, when healthy, can be great for adoptees.  

4:  How could you afford to adopt?  

We used small, ethical, affordable adoption agencies.  We did not choose to fundraise for our adoptions, though I do encourage families who choose to fundraise to do so graciously and appropriately.   Many families apply for grants as well as fundraise.  I cover fundraising in my new book.  Preview:  my #1 tip?  Don't be tacky.  It's not cute.  

5:  Why did we adopted transracially? 

For the first year of our first adoption wait, we were open to a white child.  It was a rather thoughtless decision.  After a year of waiting, we decided to get educated on transracial adoption.  Once we spent many months researching, reading, and talking, we felt that adopting transracially would be a possibility for us.  I write extensively about being a multiracial family (the joys and challenges).  Race absolutely matters!   Adopting transracially is not a decision one should make lightly.   

And despite our family standing out, we are a real, regular family.  

If you're an experienced mama-by-adoption, what are you asked often by those new to adoption?  If you're a new, waiting parent-to-be, what do you want to know more about?  Hit me up on Facebook or Insta and share/ask away! 

5 Ways You Can Love Adoption Differently Than The Majority

Happy Valentine's Day week, dear one!  I thought it fitting that this week, we talk about how to really love adoption, by treating it with the respect it deserves, vs. being "common" like the majority. 

1:  Let the open adoption relationship grow organically.  

Do not rush.  It's not natural.  It's not healthy.  

I know sometimes there are "deadlines" to these things.  Maybe you've been chosen three weeks before the baby is due.  This doesn't mean you're in a state of relationship emergency where you throw all common sense to the wind.  

Remember, the best relationships are ones of quality, not quantity.  The number or texts you exchange doesn't equal the intimacy and commitment needed for a long-standing relationship.  

2:  Say no, even when it's difficult.

You will make many, many decisions along your adoption journey.  Some may seem like no big deal or "easy," while others will be obviously major.  However, all decisions you make are important.  

I've shared many times, every single decision you make today can very well impact your child, the adoptee, forever.  

This is why it's critical that you have a comprehensive understanding of what an ethical adoption is and how to be part of one.  Without this foundation, you'll be subject to making unethical choices, even if these are unintentional.   

When you know something isn't right, you need to have the courage and conviction to say "no" without apology.  You won't regret doing the right thing.

3:  Carefully select an adoption professional to work with, not being easily fooled.  

I've shared so many times that just because an agency has "Christian" in their title, doesn't mean the agency is ethical.  Just because an agency offers you short wait time, because they are "busy," doesn't mean they are a good fit.  Just because an agency has a posh website and maternity home, doesn't mean they are worth the money they demand of you.  

Be a critical thinker.  Choosing an adoption professional isn't solely a heart decision.  It's a head decision, too.  

4:  Commit to a lifetime of adoption education.

Your education is just beginning, because your child, an adoptee, will have needs throughout his or her lifetime that are related to adoption.  How do you get educated and keep getting educated?  You are part of an adoption support group, you are befriending adoption triad members, you are connected to an adoption-competent family therapist, you are reading books and blogs and articles, you are attending conferences.  You do these things so that ultimately, you can give your child what he or she needs.  

5:  Learn as much as you can about connective parenting.  

Connective parenting is gold.  There are solid reasons for parents who have adopted to choose this way of raising their children:  because it works.  Trauma changes the brain.  And honestly?  Connective parenting works for any child.  The methods (eye contact, voice control, re-dos, time-ins, etc.) make life at home more predictable and peaceful.   Even though my four children are very different from one another, they are also all in need of the same things:  connection first, and then correction.  And, of course, love.  

The Most Popular Adoption Posts of the Year

Hello, lovelies!   As we all come down off our Christmas high, I want to share with you this year's most popular adoption posts!  We covered so many fantastic topics, and I don't want you to miss a thing!  

• What to do when you experience a "failed" adoption
• Yes, Post-Adoption Depression is real, and here's what you can do about it
• 5 simple guidelines for a successful open adoption
• 25 questions we've really been asked as a family built by transracial adoption
• our Black son's hair care routine and favorite hair books for Black boys
• Where is God in adoption?
• 5 important lessons we've learned about parenting adoptees
• Things adoptive parents are tired of hearing from their friends and family
• Yes, it's OK to have an adoption baby shower
• wisdom from adoptee and mom-by-adoption Michelle Madrid-Branch
• 5 people you need in your adoption "village"

What was your favorite post from 2018?  What do you want to learn more about in 2019?  Send me a message or drop a comment on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.   You can also find answers to many of your questions about ethical, domestic, infant adoption in my latest book.