20 Things You Need to Know If You're Adopting a Child In 2020

Happy 2020, everyone! What an exciting year to adopt! I'm thankful that there is more information out there more than ever. When we started our adoption journey well over a decade ago, the resources were seriously lacking. We spent a lot of time scrambling and digging, trying to self-educate.

I truly believe that the more you know, the more adoption woke you become, the more ethical the journey will be. Why do adoption ethics matter so much? Well, I explain that in detail here. But in essence? Every choice you make now may very well impact others--including your child and their biological family, and of course, you too--forever. 

Now that we've the importance of adoption ethics established, here are twenty things you need to know about adoption in 2020.

1: Learn about the Adoption Tax Credit.

It's that time of the year when everyone is in full-on tax preparation mode. There is an adoption tax credit. You can get the adoption tax credit guidelines directly from the IRS website. It's usually easier to have a professional prepare your taxes when you're claiming the tax credit to make sure everything is done correctly.

2: Have the (adoption) baby shower.

Yes, it's OK to have a baby or child shower. You are an REM, as explained in The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption = a Real Expecting Mom. 

3: Educate your loved ones on the adoption process.

Don't leave your loved ones in the dark when it comes to adoption education. I highly recommend getting your nearest-and-dearest two books: In On It and Adoption is a Family Affair.

4: Establish an adoption village around your family.

You're in charge--and you need to take charge. Having a support system in place is critical to a family's success! I believe that the best village includes those who racially match your child + fellow adoptees, plus other adoptive families. 

5: Learn about connective, trauma-informed parenting.

Many of us in the adoption community use resources like Empowered to Connect and books by Dan Siegel because we have realized that parenting adoptees--who arguably have all experienced some level of trauma--means learning to parent differently than how we were raised. 

6: Get informed about adoptive breastfeeding.

Attachment parenting practices can be incredibly beneficial to the family who adopts. Adoptive breastfeeding in one option. There's a fantastic book called Breastfeeding Without Birthing to help you get informed. Not your thing? There are other options like skin-to-skin, bottle nursing, and other attachment parenting practices like baby-wearing.

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How is it possible that of all the women in the world, I was chosen to be her mom? 🌎💖 Do you ever sit in awe of your family’s story? 👇🏽👇🏾👇🏼 . . . #adoption #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #babygirl #multiracialfamily #whitesugarbrownsugar #naptime #thehopefulmomsguidetoadoption #daughter #momlife #mom #adoptivefamily #thisisus #melaninpoppin #tuesdaymotivation

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7: Listen and learn from adoptees.

Adoptees are those who were (or some say "are") adopted. More and more adult adoptees are speaking out about their experiences. Check out some of my favorites, including Michelle Madrid-Branch, the guys who host Yes, I'm Adopted. Don't Make It Weird, and Katie Naftzger.

8: Listen and learn from birth parents.

Of course, it's important to listen to another important person in the adoption triad: birth parents. (In case you're new to adoption, the "adoption triad" refers to the adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptee.) Jill M. Murphy is one of my favorite resources, the author of Finding Motherhood. She's a birth mom and a mom-by-international-transracial adoption.

9: Post-adoption depression is real.

Learn what you can about post-adoption depression. It doesn't mean you'll experience it--but if you do, you'll be able to recognize the signs and know what steps to take next. 

10: Discover more about open adoption.

More and more adoptions are starting out as, or becoming more, open. Because of this, it's important to understand what open adoption is and isn't, how to have a healthy open adoption, and what to do when challenges arise. We talk a lot about open adoption here--because we have four open adoptions! 

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Question we get often. Do I do my kids’ hair? Yes and no. For the older girls: I shampoo, condition, moisturize, detangle, blow dry (prep). Braider braids. Hubby takes braids out. It takes THREE of us! Our son: he goes to a barber and gets a bald fade. He prefers short hair. Our toddler: I do it all. Sometimes free, sometimes puffs, sometimes box braids with beads. 👱🏼‍♂️👱🏼‍♀️👩🏾‍🦱👩🏿‍🦱👦🏽👧🏿 Have a question for me? Who does hair in your fam? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #bigfamily #multiracialfamily #momlife #transracialadoption #lovemakesafamily #melaninpoppin #adoptionislove #naturalhair #november #nationaladoptionmonth #whitesugarbrownsugar #friday #fridayvibes😎

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11: DNA testing is becoming more popular.

DNA testing is a controversial topic--but especially in the adoption community. Do you dare open up that "can of worms"? When is DNA testing OK and when is it not? I give you an honest review of Ancestry DNA testing here.

12: Select an ethical adoption agency or professional.

Choosing whom you'll work with is among the most important adoption decisions you'll ever make. Don't think that just because an agency is Christian, it is ethical by default. I give you everything you need to know when choosing an adoption agency here. 

13: Support your transracial adoptee.

Adopting transracially and being a multiracial family is different than raising a child of the same race--majorly different. Be prepared! Learn all you can about how to support your transracial adoptee. 

14: Learn how to fundraise.

Many who adopt rely on fundraising and grants to do so. This is another controversial topic in the adoption community--one that you need to delve into and decide upon. 

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Garlinghouse adoption fact: we went into adoption not knowing how many kids, what sex, what level of need, or what race our children would be.💓 In 2008, we were chosen to adopt a newborn Black baby girl. Two years later, another Black baby girl. Two years later, a Black baby boy. Three years later, a Black baby girl. Our family is multiracial, big, and there are some special needs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 💓 What’s your family like? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #bigfamily #daughter #son #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #adoptivemom #adoptee #adoptionjourney #adoptionstory #lovemakesafamily #adoptionislove #openadoption #domesticadoption #newbornadoption #transracialadoption #transracialfamily #transracialadoptee #sunday #sundayfunday

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15: Never stop learning.

I advise families to never stop learning about adoption. More and more resources are becoming available to us including studies, articles, podcasts, videos, conferences, workshops, and books. One thing you can do is make sure to keep up with the latest blog posts. I'm posting the latest information as it becomes available to us.

16: Know that a "failed adoption" is a possibility.

We've experienced multiple situations where the adoption didn't happen--and yes, it left us brokenhearted, disappointed, angry, frustrated, and uncertain. But the reality is, a mom and dad have every right to parent their own child--and we, as hopeful adoptive parents, don't have the right to someone else's baby. What is the correct response? I outline that here.

17: It's OK to fall in love with a child who isn't yours.

Being so guarded that you fail to open your heart isn't healthy. There is always a risk of an adoption not happening. But that doesn't mean you walk around with walls up. This was a powerful lesson I learned during our fourth adoption.

18: Adoption language matters.

There are certain problematic phrases that are common in the adoption community. One example is "adoption rocks" which many adoptees take issue with. Learn about adoption language and why it matters what you say and share on social media.

19: Your child's adoption story is sacred and privacy matters.

I know you're excited to adopt--but please, don't hand out your child's adoption story to anyone who asks you about it. It's important, from the get-go, that you learn to respect your child's sacred adoption story. 

20: No adoption is easy.

The adoption process and subsequent parenting of an adoptee is a journey--one with ups and downs. You need to be committed, relentless, and ever-mindful of what it means to parent an adoptee. You CAN do this.

Cheers to the new year, to your new adoption adventure, and for all that comes next! 

Should the Hopeful Adoptive Parents Be Present at the Hospital?

Whoa.

I mean, this is a big question.  One that is controversial in the adoption community.   

I've avoided tackling this for awhile, if I'm being honest.  But I think the time has come.  Time, distance, and experience have given me the courage to write this post.  So, here goes.

For years, I was adamant that hopeful adoptive parents NOT be at the hospital with expectant parents.  I felt this way for a few reasons:

1:  I'd never experienced it.

2:  I was scared of the experience.

3:  I felt the hospital had the potential to be unethical.  

But this ALL changed when not only was I invited to be in the delivery room, but it was INSISTED that I be there. Not by a social worker, not by an adoption agency, not by a lawyer, but by an expectant mother who wanted support.

I.  Was.  Terrified.

Terrified of my own emotions.  Terrified of all the unknowns.  Terrified that I'd do something unethical.  Terrified that I'd fall even more deeply in love with a baby who I couldn't call MY child and with a mama who, no matter what her decision, would leave the hospital with a broken heart.

You see, deep down I knew:  this baby wasn't mine, the expectant mom wasn't "our" "birth" mom, the pregnancy and delivery weren't mine either.   

NOTHING was mine.  Everything was hers.  

And I don't say that out of selfishness, bitterness, anger, or confusion.  I'm sharing it out of acknowledgement.  I believe all hopeful adoptive mamas need to, first and foremost, know exactly what a match is and isn't and do whatever it takes to have an ethical adoption.

Because as I say, time and time and time again, if and until TPR and revocation is over, the parents have every right to parent their child, and there is no promise of placement with the adoptive family.  Nor should there be.   

And, I really, really wanted to protect my own heart and the hearts of my spouse and the children we were already parenting.  There were SO many hearts on the line. 

You see, thus far, we had chosen to have ethical adoptions.  Doing the hardest things that were the right things.  The right things, in the right ways, every time.  To us, there was no question of whether or not we'd have an ethical adoption.  It was an ethical adoption or NO adoption.  PERIOD.  

So why did I agree to be in the delivery room?

Because I made peace with the invitation to be there.  I knew it was not suggested to the expectant mom.  I knew not a soul had told her to do it and listed reasons why.   It was her own, free choice.  And I knew if I said no, she would be in that room alone.  

And we had spent months getting to know one another, and I was ultimately (honestly) invested in her.  I wanted her to feel that she could do whatever she decided, whether that meant parenting or placing.  

And I made this very, very clear.  "No matter what you decide, we support you.  We would be honored to be this baby's parents.  But we also respect your decision to parent this baby."

This sacred conversation happened many times.  I offered this affirmation more times than I could count, as I wanted it to be perfectly clear.

And I promise, I meant every single word.  I did.  

Yes, it was hard at times to imagine leaving the hospital without the baby.  Of course, it would be difficult.  But if it were the choice made, we would support it.  

Jennifer Mossman Photography

I think the choice to be in the delivery room was OK for me for a few reasons.  And these are personal, and certainly cannot be "one size fits all."

1:  We had a lot of adoption experience.  

2:  We had friends from all three points of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees):  and had listened to their thoughts and experiences for many years.

3:  We examined the invitation, at lengths, and then said yes, aware that there was no unethical actions or words behind it.  

4:  We didn't initiate or expect the invitation.  We didn't eagerly and naively accept it either (point #3).  

5:  We felt no person should bring a baby into the world alone.

6:  We understood and articulated, many times, that if the child wasn't to become "our baby," we would support that choice.  

In the end, I am so thankful I was there.  Those moments were sacred, beautiful, hard.  I'm thankful the photos we took and shared with each other.  I'm thankful for hands-in-hands and words of encouragement.  I'm thankful for the beauty in the brokenness.  And yes, we remained ethical.

And I can tell my child, I had the courage and faith to say yes, even when I was terrified to do so.   

Jennifer Mossman Photography

So if you, dear one, are considering the hospital experience, may I shed some wisdom on you, now having been there?  

1:  Do not demand or expect the invitation. 

It's not your baby, it's not "your" "birth" mom, it's not your birth.  None of it is yours.  

2:  Know that a match or hospital experience doesn't mean you will be placed with that child.

There are no promises or guarantees.  Don't try to figure out the likelihood a mom will parent or place.  Let it be.  

3:  Let all decisions be made by mom, if and until you are mom.  

If the hospital staff defers to you for decisions, you need to point them right back to mom.  

4:  Ask to take pictures.

But don't be disrespectful about it.  Ask if it's OK to take pictures, and check in on that often.  Whether or not mom places or parents, you can share those photos with her.  And for the love of all-things-adoption, do not post photos online of a baby who isn't yours.  

5:  Don't hover or assume.

You ask, every single step of the way, what mom wants.  Period.  

6:  Don't sneak around.

Don't ask questions about mom or baby, of the hospital staff or any other professional involved, that aren't your business.   

7:  Don't manipulate.

Don't offer over-the-top gifts, for example, attempting to manipulate the situation. Because trust me, whatever is best for the baby is what is best for all.  (Save those special gifts for after placement if placement occurs.  Too many parents want to give mom a matching bracelet, for example, with a birthstone in it.)  Manipulation = coercion.  Coercion = unethical.  Unethical = not good for anyone.

8:  Know the laws and policies.

What are the TPR and revocation laws?  Don't forget about the child's father, who also has rights.  And know the hospital policies so you don't overstep.  It's best to have a reputable adoption attorney involved, and to be ethical, the birth/expectant couple, the hopeful adoptive family, and the child should each have separate legal representation.

9:  Be proactive without being pushy.

I think it's fine to ask the mom you are matched with, what do you think your hospital experience will look like?  What can we do to support you during that time? And no matter what, be supportive of her decision and understand you may not be privy to her hospital plans.

10:  Don't insist on breastfeeding or doing skin-to-skin at the hospital.

Remember, it's not your baby or your birth.  If the baby is placed with you, you can then make your decisions.   (I was asked by hospital staff if I would do skin-to-skin with the baby right after birth; I declined.) 

11:  Check in:  often.

Is the current "plan" or invitations working OK?  Be clear that you are fine to go elsewhere, leave completely, take a break, etc.  Don't make it about you.  Because it's not about you.

12:  Don't show up with your own posse.  

The hospital experience is not the time for all the grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. to meet the baby.  This is manipulative:  no matter if you intend for it to be or not.  If you're invited to bring someone to the hospital to meet the baby, consider this decision very carefully.

The #1 argument I encounter against hopeful adoptive parents being at the hospital is that there is simply no way their presence can be ethical.  It's often assumed that the mom was coerced into allowing the hopeful parents to be present.  There is no way, arguably, that hopeful parents can be unbiased in every way, all the time, and their very bodies being there is a form of manipulation.

I disagree. 

Yes, there is so much on the line.  And yes, it is VERY hard to be present AND be ethical.  Because at the very heart of the storm is a child and a very big decision for a mama to make.  

But I do not think there is a one-size-fits all approach to the hospital decision.  I don't think it's up to anyone else to judge a mama's decision to invite parents to the hospital: IF she is making that choice by her own free will.   Her reasons are personal, private, and sacred. 

And ultimately, should always be respected by all parties.  

19 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2019

Happy New Year, readers!   

Per tradition, we're starting the year with a post about the things you need to know about if you plan to adopt this year.  Each item contains a link or links to help get you started on learning about that topic.

1:  Parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a biological child.

2:  Yes, it's OK to have a baby shower for a child you adopt.

3:  Your loved ones (friends and family) will need you to educate them on adoption.

4:  Connective parenting is critically important to understand and implement when you are choosing to adopt. 

5:  Post-adoption depression is a real thing.

6:  Don't assume a Christian adoption agency is an ethical agency.

7:  More and more adoptees are sharing their stories:  via books, blogs, articles, and social media.  (And we're all better for it.)

8:  There are many fantastic family diversity children's picture books to support kids in multiracial families.  

9:  Transracial adoption still confuses (and intrigues) society.

10: Parents need to choose an agency wisely (explained in detail here), because a lot of adoption ethics stem from WHO helps you adopt.

11:  You need an adoption support system in place for when you're waiting to adopt, during an adoption process, and parenting adoptees.

12:  There are many free and fantastic educational resources, including Empowered to Connect videos, blogs and social media pages, and articles; so there's no excuse not to be educated on adoption.  

13:  Learn about the adoption tax credit.

14: Adoptive breastfeeding is becoming more common.

15:  Your faith can absolutely play a big part in your adoption journey and subsequent parenting.

16:  Open adoption is increasingly becoming the norm in domestic infant adoptions, and sometimes in foster care and international adoptions, too. 

17:  DNA testing is advancing and can provide information to adoptees regarding their ethnicity and health.

18:  You might consider fundraising for your adoption journey.

19:   There's no such thing as an "easy" adoption journey, but being educated on the journey can help. 

18 Things to Know If You're Adopting in 2018

Can you believe it's 2018?   The holiday season was a whirlwind of food, family fun, gifts, traveling, decorating, and if we're honest, pure exhaustion.   And if adoption was on your radar before the holidays, your urgency to adopt is probably more intense after spending so much time with family (perhaps answering the question, "When are you going to have kids?"---yikes!).   To help you prepare for the journey ahead, here are 18 things you MUST know about if you're adopting this year: 

1:  Adoptive breastfeeding.

Yes, it's possible.  Yes, it's controversial.  Yes, I am a fan.  Read more about it from expert Alyssa Schnell, and read my experience here and here.   Know there are plenty of ways to form a secure attachment with a child you adopt, with nursing being one of them. 

2:  Employer financial help.

Some employers offer financial assistance to those who choose to adopt.  (Yes, it's true!)  Maybe you or your partner's companies are among those?   Be sure to talk to your HR rep.    Usually the company offers this reimbursement for expenses (you must submit documentation) after the adoption has been finalized.   The Dave Thomas Foundation offers the 2017 "best" adoption-friendly companies list here.

3:  Adoption leave.

Some employers offer adoption leave!  My husband had four weeks of paid leave off with our first and fourth children---and it was an awesome blessing.  Companies recognize that adopting a baby matters too.  Again, check with your HR rep, and check out the list.  

4:  Open adoption.

We have four open adoptions, and I've written extensively about our experiences as well as shared some great resources with you.  Here I answer your burning questions.  I want you to know that it's OK to be scared:  but it's not OK to make decisions out of ignorance.  Get educated!  Weigh the pros and cons, and then move forward in confidence. 

5:  Representation matters.

If you adopt transracially, be prepared to fill your home with books, toys, games, art, music, and films that offer diversity.   Your child wants to see himself or herself represented!  For example, here are my favorite children's picture books featuring Black girls.   Follow me on IG where I post my newest finds. 

6:  Legal stuff.

If you're going to choose adopt, hire a "quad A" attorney to help you get through the process.  Legal stuff is nothing to mess around with or short-cut when it comes to having an ethical adoption. 

7:  Mentorship.

If you adopt, I highly recommend finding a mentor for your child.  It isn't as difficult as you might think.

8:  Saying goodbye to adoption.

Have you already adopted or tired of waiting to adopt, yet you're considering whether or not to "close the book" on adopting ?   BEEN THERE. 

9:  Profile books.

There are so many fantastic services that help you create your profile book.  Some even review the profile book you created yourself.    Consider this as an option as you budget for your adoption journey. 


10:  Faith.

Faith shouldn't be put on the back burner when you choose to adopt.  The two can walk hand-in-hand.  Check out the adoption journey devotional I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher:  adoptee and mom-by-adoption.


11:  Compliment accepted.

There are many things we parents-by-adoption hate (such as, "Are your kids real siblings?"--which tends to come about mostly in families like mine which are built by transracial adoption), but there's one thing I personally love to hear.   What about you? 

12:  Positivity is OK. 

If you spend any time on the Internet, focusing on any topic, you're bound to leave with some hurt feelings, annoyance, or anger.  Adoption is controversial and the community can be combative, leaving you discouraged.   Please, please, please read this fabulous book, written by an adoptee, directed to those who want to adopt or have adopted.  I promise you'll be uplifted and educated! 

13:  Create a home library for your child.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to instill a healthy sense of "you belong here" and "adoption matters" to your child, even from their earliest days.  Here are nine books I recommend you add to your child's book collection.   I also recommend these fabulous books which showcase the love between a parent and child. 

14:  Searching is normal. 

If your child wants to learn more about himself or herself one day, DNA tests have opened up many doors!  An adoptee who wants to know more about where he/she came from and his/her ethnicity should be supported by their parents. Three of my four children have done a DNA test through Ancestry, and here I offer you my honest review of how the process (and results) went! 

15:  Don't neglect the grandparents!

It's completely natural for grandparents/future grandparents to need adoption education.  Here I break down for you how to help them understand your choice to adopt. 

16:  Prepare the children you have now for a new sibling-by-adoption. 

Too often, your now-children are neglected when you're in the trenches of adoption paperwork and preparation.   But that's a big mistake!   Here are some easy ways to prepare your kiddos for a new sibling. 

17:  Consider special needs adoption.

There is always a need for those who are able and willing to adopt children with special needs.  You can register with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, for example.   And be sure to stock your home library with these fabulous books on belonging and difference---great for not only your child with special needs, but their siblings too! 

18:  Never stop learning.

Too many times I see new parents stop their adoption education just because they finally have a baby in their home.  Let me be clear:  the learning should NEVER stop.   That doesn't mean you live in an all-things-adoption world.  It does mean that you understand that adoption is complex, bittersweet, and evolving, and you want to be the best parent to your child by always being open to new ideas, research, and resources. 

Cheers to 2018 and your journey ahead!