Happy New Year, readers!
Per tradition, we're starting the year with a post about the things you need to know about if you plan to adopt this year. Each item contains a link or links to help get you started on learning about that topic.
1: Parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a biological child.
2: Yes, it's OK to have a baby shower for a child you adopt.
3: Your loved ones (friends and family) will need you to educate them on adoption.
4: Connective parenting is critically important to understand and implement when you are choosing to adopt.
5: Post-adoption depression is a real thing.
6: Don't assume a Christian adoption agency is an ethical agency.
7: More and more adoptees are sharing their stories: via books, blogs, articles, and social media. (And we're all better for it.)
8: There are many fantastic family diversity children's picture books to support kids in multiracial families.
9: Transracial adoption still confuses (and intrigues) society.
10: Parents need to choose an agency wisely (explained in detail here), because a lot of adoption ethics stem from WHO helps you adopt.
11: You need an adoption support system in place for when you're waiting to adopt, during an adoption process, and parenting adoptees.
12: There are many free and fantastic educational resources, including Empowered to Connect videos, blogs and social media pages, and articles; so there's no excuse not to be educated on adoption.
13: Learn about the adoption tax credit.
14: Adoptive breastfeeding is becoming more common.
15: Your faith can absolutely play a big part in your adoption journey and subsequent parenting.
16: Open adoption is increasingly becoming the norm in domestic infant adoptions, and sometimes in foster care and international adoptions, too.
17: DNA testing is advancing and can provide information to adoptees regarding their ethnicity and health.
18: You might consider fundraising for your adoption journey.
19: There's no such thing as an "easy" adoption journey, but being educated on the journey can help.
It's a common concern among hopeful parents.
You can afford to raise a child. But you can't afford that whopping homestudy fee, the wait fee, the placement fee (gulp), the post-placement fees, and the legal fees. (That's A LOT of fees). And sometimes birth parent expenses. Travel costs.
So what do you do?
I know some will tell you, "Just adopt from foster care. It's free!" But I want you to know that foster care adoption isn't for everyone, that it's OK to have a desire to adopt an infant domestically, and that you shouldn't adopt from foster care solely because it's free. You need to go into foster care adoption understanding what you are doing and knowing a whole lot about trauma and attachment, among other things.
Alright, so you want to adopt domestically, but you can't afford all those fees. What do you do?
1: You choose an affordable agency.
There ARE agencies that do not have $30,000+ fees. There are. I would know, as we used small, ethical, affordable agencies for all four adoptions. This might mean you spend a lot of time choosing an agency. This might mean waiting longer for a child (as big agencies tend to have more outreach, like advertising and PR tactics, and more connections).
But listen. The most important thing isn't a fast placement. It's an ethical placement (that doesn't put you in the poor house).
How do you find an ethical adoption agency? I spend a great deal of words discussing that here. Because it's so, so very important. Remember: every choice you make today has a forever impact and must be explained to the child you adopt in the future.
2: You don't make irresponsible decisions.
There are some financial decisions that may give you money NOW but could hurt you in the long run. Very carefully consider how wise it is to take out a second mortgage, borrow money from a relative, or borrow from your retirement fund. If you aren't financially savvy, talk to a trusted relative or friend about your options and concerns. Making irresponsible decisions will negatively impact your finances for the long-haul.
3: You cut back.
Before you ask others to help you afford to adopt, you do everything in your power to save on your own. You cut out the extras: cable TV, daily mornings stops for coffee and pastries, memberships (ahem, gym) that you do not use or use enough, frequent eating out/ordering in. You figure out what is truly essential. You take the money you were spending on these things and save, save, save. (Plus, you'll be more fit!)
4: You clean out your stuff and sell items.
Think of the things you have that you don't need and can make you money! A vintage collection of something, bigger items that you no longer use or need. Think of this as a win-win: you get more space in your home for all the baby stuff and you make money in order to afford adoption!
5: You take a second job.
Sell a product on Etsy, get a second job on the weekends or evenings, offer a service (something you're good at). Beware of pyramid schemes that are almost always a ton of work for very little pay off. If you do opt to join a direct sales company, be sure it has a great reputation and doesn't require a lot of up-front investment from you. (Remember you're trying to save money, not spend.)
6: You fundraise.
I discuss this in my new book (ways NOT to be tacky when fundraising and how to handle criticism). Fundraising can be effective. To help you: there are Facebook groups and there's this book by a mom-by-adoption. There are some great ideas out there: selling t-shirts, puzzle fundraisers, auctions, dinners, yard sales. There are endless possibilities! The best thing you can do is talk to others who have done these successfully (try the adoption fundraising FB groups) and mirror what they did.
My #1 fundraising rule, which I talk about in my new book, is this: DO NOT BE TACKY. (You're welcome.)
This week, a reader asked me to address this issue: Is it OK for adoption agencies to charge fees based on the race of the child?
Short answer: no.
Long answer. Here it goes.
1: An adoption journey should cost what an adoption journey costs.
If an agency is charging based on the race (or sex) of the child, that means they're charging money FOR the child, not for the adoption journey. Because adoption journeys, generally speaking, cost agencies about the same amount of money. The adoption journey costs should be averaged and that's what EVERY family should pay.
Essentially, charging money based on a child's race ensures that there is baby-buying and baby-selling, not an ethical adoption where parents are paying for a process, not a person.
2: It can be detrimental to the parents.
An agency that charges based on a child's race encourages lower-income (white) hopeful parents to adopt a child they are not prepared for or do not truly desire.
If an agency hikes up the adoption fees for the most "in demand" babies (typically white, healthy newborns) while "discounting" the adoption fees for babies in less demand (children of color, especially males), they are not only baby selling (see point #1), but they are also allowing only the wealthier families to adopt white children while "limiting" less wealthy families to children of color.
The problem?
Not every hopeful parent should be parenting children of color. (And by the way, a bi-racial child is a child of color, so I completely disagree with agencies allowing hopeful parents to be open to a white or bi-racial child, but not a "full" child of color. Colorism in adoption is NOT ok and is also detrimental to the adoptee whose parents fail to understand transracial adoption and race.)
Transracial adoption requires many things. And honestly, it is OK that not all families are open to children of any race. Some families may lives in areas with little-to-no racial diversity. Or they may have racist family members. Or they may simply feel ill-prepared to adopt a child of color.
An agency that encourages any hopeful parents to accept the placement of any child that the hopeful parents are prepared to raise is irresponsible of the agency. Agencies that "encourage" placements of kids of color into families who cannot afford the adoption fees for a child they are prepared to parent (white children) is so disturbing and disgusting, and clearly indicative of an unethical agency. (See point #4.)
3: It harms the adoptee.
This is point #3, but is certainly the most important argument for agencies NOT basing their fees on the child's race. Because the innocent party in any adoption, the one who has no say-so, is the adoptee. The adoptee is reliant upon the adults in the situation (the agency, the hopeful parents, the biological/expectant parents) to make good, healthy, responsible, respectable decisions.
Allowing families who shouldn't be adopting transracially to adopt transracially does the adoptee a major disservice. Worse, it could completely ruin the child's life! Furthermore, how would an adoptee feel knowing that their parents got a "discount" on adopting him or her?
What is done in the dark will always come into the light. I'm a firm believer in telling our children the truth. About handing over to them, when age-appropriate, their adoption files. Disclosing to them information about their adoption stories throughout the child's entire life. Transparency and authenticity build trust, and all good relationships are firmly planted in trust. I can see how trust could be completely broken if you either do not share information about adoption fees with your adoptee and/or your child realizes he or she was "less" because of the color of their skin! And you, as the parent, approved of that.
4: An ethical agency isn't being used.
In my opinion, an agency that charges based on the race of a child isn't an ethical agency.
Because an ethical agency would charge reasonable, fair fees for an adoption journey AND would focus on what is best for the adoption triad, mostly on the adoptee, and not on capitalizing on the race of the child and the income of the hopeful parents. This goes back to both points #1 and #2.
Using an unethical agency has so many negative and forever consequences. So though just one problem is fees, there are many, many other problems with using an agency that charges based on a PERSON and not on a PROCESS.
Finding an ethical agency is so incredibly important. I spend a lot of time detailing why and how to find an ethical agency in my latest book. For anyone considering embarking on a domestic infant adoption journey, or someone who is in the midst of one, I cannot emphasize enough how important ethics are and why you must, above all, be committed to an ethical adoption.
If you sign up for my e-newsletter, you can receive my FREE e-book, "The Magic Letter in Adoption," right to your inbox. There I explore why ethics (among other things) are crucial to your journey.
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We have adopted four children over the course of a decade, and we have never used an agency that charged families based on the race or sex of the child. We also do not use agencies that base their fees on the income of the hopeful parents for some of the same reasons I listed here, but mainly, because I have ethical concerns with it.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this very important issue. Let's connect on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
