10 Reasons Why You Should Not Adopt a Child

Yes, you read that correctly.

I know what you're thinking:  there are so many children in the world who need a "good and loving" forever family.  Why would I discourage people from adopting?  

The reasoning is this: when you choose to adopt, the child must be the #1 priority.   

Here are 10 reasons why a person should not adopt, and why: 

1:  You are anti-connective and attachment parenting.

Arguably, adoptees have experienced trauma to some degree (the separation from their biological parents, at birth or later, causes trauma).  That's why parenting based on the understanding of trauma is so important when you're raising an adoptee (person who was adopted).  You cannot parent an adoptee the same way you would parent a biological child, though I think Empowered to Connect (that is, parenting based on "connection and then correction") is reasonable to use on all children.  Want to learn more?  Check out The Connected Child.  

Attachment parenting helps a child, who has had the "break" from their biological family and/or subsequently others they have attached to (foster family, another biological family member, etc.), adjust to his or her new family.  Attachment parenting includes actions such as babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding or "bottle nursing," cocooning, and much more. 

2:  You believe "love conquers all" and "love is all you need."

Love is an essential foundation for any healthy relationship, but it is not "all" that a person needs.  To believe that love will tackle and heal all struggles is naive and does adoptees and disservice.  Of course, love is critically important, but it is a base to build upon, not the "be all, end all" to parenting a child who was adopted. 

3:  You want a child to fulfill your dreams.  

Listen, we adopted because we wanted to be parents:  period.  But we DID NOT adopt a child expecting them to be a certain way in order to fulfill our dreams.  Adoptees come with their own genes (that aren't yours), personalities, preferences, needs, talents, gestures, and physical appearance.  They are who they are, and your job is to embrace them, not seek to change them to fit a "mold" you dreamt up.  Some adoptees struggle with feelings of rejection, and to have you, his or her parents, further "reject" him or her would be detrimental.

4:  You believe a newborn baby or young child is a "blank slate."

A woman is pregnant, full-term, for 40 weeks.  That is 40 weeks of development, growth, and learning for the unborn child.  You are not receiving a child with a "blank slate."  Not even close.  Adoptive parents who have been parenting awhile can confirm this for you.  Again, our children are who they are.   

5:  You don't have the support of your "nearest and dearest."

Adoption is a tumultuous journey.  There are so many ups and downs, and you are going to need support.  And not just general support, but specific support that not only embraces the child to come, but also embraces adoption in general.  There are some great resources for your "nearest and dearest" including In On It and Adoption Is a Family Affair.  I highly recommend that you purchase these books for family members and close friends.

6:  Your circle of friends doesn't include people who will be like your future child.

If you plan to adopt, it would make sense to be friends with people in the adoption community who can help guide you for the long-haul.  These individuals include adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.  Joining an adoption support group will help you make connections and friends.  If you're adopting a child of color, do you have friends of color?  What about a child with special needs? 

7:  You plan to "tell all."  

Your child's adoption story is his or her story.  It's not yours to share to satisfy the curiosity of others or to give you "all the feels."  Of course, your child's story overlaps with your story, and you do have a family story.  But you need to be very, very careful to never compromise the trust your child has in you to protect his or her privacy.  Your most important job is to raise your child.  

8:  You believe "color doesn't matter."

If you're adopting transracially, it absolutely matters and will matter forevermore.  There is no blowing off race or pretending not to see it.  Race should be celebrated, not ignored. Acknowledged and embraced.  

9:  You see adoption as "plan B" or "second choice" to having your "own" children.

Sometimes, adoption IS your second or third or fourth opportunity to build a family.  However, it is not, or it should be, labeled as something "less than" to the "best" option of having biological children.  If and until you are at the point in which you can pursue adoption with the heart-set that adoption is the way you want to build your family, hold off on adopting.  It's not fair to your future child for you to see him or her as "less than" anything. 

10:  You see adopting a child as a moment in time and not a lifelong journey.  

Adoption is forever.  It doesn't begin the day you start your homestudy process, and it certainly doesn't end the day the judge declares the adoption final.  Because adoption struggles - and joys too - are lifelong.  Just ask any person in the adoption community!  Because adoption is lifelong, you'll need to be prepared to learn about adoption always!  This is an opportunity, not a chore to be dreaded.   Make sure you have the right mindset before embarking on an adoption journey.  

For more on the domestic infant adoption process, from beginning to forever, check out my latest book.

How To Support Your Loved One Who Is Adopting a Child

Your friend or family member has announced some BIG news:  adoption plans!   And if you're wondering, how do I support him or her on this journey?  What are the right words and actions?  

If you're feeling perplexed, you are aren't alone.  

When we were waiting to adopt, especially the first time, we received a lot of well-intentioned responses...but many of them just weren't helpful.  Instead, they were often awkward, uncomfortable, or just "off."  

All is not lost.  You CAN support and support well.  

1:  Ask how they're doing.

Avoid always asking, "Have you heard anything?" or "Anything new?" (both of which is baby-focused).   Instead, ask, "How are you doing with the adoption journey?" and "How can I best support you right now?"  Then, support!  

2:  Offer to host a waiting-for-baby shower.

So many times, adoptive parents are overlooked.  Just because we are building our family in a non-traditional, less-common way, doesn't mean we aren't real parents with true desires to celebrate.  A shower might be more appropriate after the child is placed in the family.  And speaking of baby-showers, don't forget that a shower might be appreciated for an older child.  

3:  Learn as much as you can.

Learn about adoption:  the terminology, the process, the post-adoption needs, and parenting adoptees.  Two great books to check out (for friends and family) include In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption and Adoption is a Family Affair.  Attend an adoption conference alongside your adoptive-parent friend or family member.  Ask your friend or family member for resources. 

4:  Be honest, yet balanced.

It's OK to have your own parenting struggles, to have a biological child (and announce the pregnancy), etc.  If you avoid all "child talk" with your friend or family member who intends to adopt, it will be sensed (AWKWARD) and become an issue in your relationship.  On the other hand, going on and on and on about your breastfeeding struggles gets annoying and uncomfortable for your loved on.  Be sensitive to your friend or family member's journey, but don't hide behind your own.  

5:  Be thoughtful.

Send a "thinking of you" card, buy them an adoption book or a book for their future child, take them on a coffee date (just because), etc.  You know your loved one well:  what would best minister to them as they wait?  

How have you learned to support those who are choosing to adopt? 

19 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2019

Happy New Year, readers!   

Per tradition, we're starting the year with a post about the things you need to know about if you plan to adopt this year.  Each item contains a link or links to help get you started on learning about that topic.

1:  Parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a biological child.

2:  Yes, it's OK to have a baby shower for a child you adopt.

3:  Your loved ones (friends and family) will need you to educate them on adoption.

4:  Connective parenting is critically important to understand and implement when you are choosing to adopt. 

5:  Post-adoption depression is a real thing.

6:  Don't assume a Christian adoption agency is an ethical agency.

7:  More and more adoptees are sharing their stories:  via books, blogs, articles, and social media.  (And we're all better for it.)

8:  There are many fantastic family diversity children's picture books to support kids in multiracial families.  

9:  Transracial adoption still confuses (and intrigues) society.

10: Parents need to choose an agency wisely (explained in detail here), because a lot of adoption ethics stem from WHO helps you adopt.

11:  You need an adoption support system in place for when you're waiting to adopt, during an adoption process, and parenting adoptees.

12:  There are many free and fantastic educational resources, including Empowered to Connect videos, blogs and social media pages, and articles; so there's no excuse not to be educated on adoption.  

13:  Learn about the adoption tax credit.

14: Adoptive breastfeeding is becoming more common.

15:  Your faith can absolutely play a big part in your adoption journey and subsequent parenting.

16:  Open adoption is increasingly becoming the norm in domestic infant adoptions, and sometimes in foster care and international adoptions, too. 

17:  DNA testing is advancing and can provide information to adoptees regarding their ethnicity and health.

18:  You might consider fundraising for your adoption journey.

19:   There's no such thing as an "easy" adoption journey, but being educated on the journey can help. 

5 Things I Didn't Know Would Happen When I Became a Stay-at-Home-Mom

It was December 2012.  I had wrapped up my fourteenth semester teaching composition at our local university.  I loved my job, but I had a secret.  

In October, we were matched with an expectant mom due to have an African American baby boy in January.   We were thrilled to have the opportunity to become parents again, this time to our first son.  He would be our third child.  

While we eagerly awaited his arrival, I had to make a decision.  The spring semester was set to start just days before the baby's due date.  Being a family by adoption, we knew the risks.  We knew the baby was "the baby" and not "our baby" if and until decisions were made.  

I was on-the-fence about what to do.  Continue with the job I loved and hope I could get out of my classes if he became ours, continue the job in the case that he didn't become ours, or leave my job and "wait and see" the outcome of the adoption match.

I was tormented by this choice, but I ultimately decided to let my boss know that we were matched to adopt, and I didn't want to proceed with the semester only to leave them in a bind a few days in if the baby became ours.  

A leap of faith.

I had taken as semester off work with each baby who came our way up until that point.  I planned to do the same if baby boy became ours.  

He did.  He became ours.  

As the end of spring semester approached, I made the big decision not to return to teaching in the fall.   Mostly because teaching composition means a lot of intense, long grading sessions where I poured over stacks and stacks of student essays.  With three kids, it was hard to find part-time child care, and even if I did manage to sneak away for a grading session, it was hard to focus.   

So I made the decision to become a SAHM.

And here's what happened that I never anticipated:  

1:  I became jealous of my husband.

He got up in the morning, put on nice clothes, and spent thirty minutes driving to work, listening to whatever he wanted on the radio.  Then he spent the day in his own private office, intermittently talking to grown-ups about grown-up things, having lunch (sometimes even out at an actual restaurant or the cafeteria), and getting breaks to use the restroom (alone!).  Then he spent thirty minutes driving home, again listening to whatever he wanted to on the radio.   

2:  I'd vacillate between busyness and boredom.

Some days were sheer chaos.  Frantic.  Anxiety-ridden.  One thing after the next.  Exhaustion was the name of my game.  

Other days were boring.  There were many sick days, grouchy days, or days when nothing (activity-wise) was appealing.  I'd wonder, what is my life's purpose?  What am I here for?  Is what I'm doing meaningful?  To whom?  

3:  I was lonely.

Making mommy-friends is NOT easy.  I hosted many playdates, but some left me exhausted (the mom's kids were bad, the mom didn't offer to help pick up the tornado the kids created, etc.).  Others just weren't a "match."   And taking all my kids (ages 4, 2, and infant) at that time was next-to-impossible.  I only had two hands!  

I totally got why my mom would spend hours doing chores while chatting on the phone with her cousin or friend, the corded phone stretched far from room-to-room.  Because SAHM needs connnection.  We need reminders that we are human beings who aren't just moms.  

4: I constantly was asked to justify my decision.

To this day, I'm asked, "When are you going back to teaching?"  It's as if the sacrifices I make daily aren't quite "up there" with teaching college students.  Or that I'm somehow missing out on real life or not living up to my potential or wasting my degrees because I spent my days with babies.  

The truth is that being a SAHM is the hardest job I've ever had.  It's also the best job.   It's messy and beautiful and frustrating and fulfilling. 

The questions only made me feel guilty.  Why wasn't I more grateful for being a SAHM?   Why didn't I enjoy every. single. second.?   

5:  I'd become obsessed with my children.

When your job is to raise babies, you become obsessed with the babies.  Their every need, their every "first," their every poop incident (ya'll know it's true!).  Your life becomes your kids.

That's the point of becoming a SAHM, isn't it?  To KNOW every single thing about your kids and walk them through life?  

I'm definitely no martyr.  I know being a SAHM is a privilege, and for me, it was a choice.  But if I didn't tell you the truth, that SAHM life is REALLY damn hard, I'd be a liar. 

What happened to you when you became a SAHM?  Or did you go from being a SAHM to working full time outside the home?  What lessons have you learned?  Did adopting change your decision about working or staying home?

5 Choices That Can Complicate Your Adoption Journey

12.5: the number of years we've been in the adoption community.

4:  the number of children we've adopted

5:  the number of choices you need to know about that can complicate any adoption

1:  Hiring an unethical adoption professional.

This is the #1 thing you can do to screw up your adoption journey.

Choosing an ethical agency, attorney, facilitator, etc. is critical, and I spend a lot of time and energy thoroughly explaining this here.  Because it is that important.  

If your foundation isn't one of ethics, how can you expect the rest of the adoption journey to go well?

And remember:  every decision you make today has a forever-impact on your child.  

(One of the questions I receive the most is "how do I choose an ethical adoption professional?"  I answer that here.)

2:  Paying birth or expectant parent expenses. 

This can be a hot mess.  

(At one time, I said I would never, ever pay expenses.  But that changed, and again, it got messy and complicated and frustrating.)  

Yeah, I know, expectant and birth parents expenses are legal in many states, but are they ethical?  

I think the ethics of this are in-they-gray.  Some expenses paid are reasonable in some situations.  But we also all know that money complicates things.  It can become a tit-for-tat, and that's not cool.

If you are going to pay expenses, be very clear about how much and for what, and know that no matter how much you dish out, you cannot and should not expect a placement in return.   

3:  Veering.  

You know I warned you, right?  In the chapter I titled "Stay In Your Lane"?   

There are some things in adoption that are cut and dried.  For example, a baby isn't your baby if and until TPR and revocation are done.  STAY IN YOUR LANE.

Demanding to have a say-so in the birth plan and hospital stay.  STAY IN YOUR LANE.

Pressing to know every detail of an expectant parent's life?  STAY IN YOUR LANE.  

4:  Playing dual-roles.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  It is impossible to be both social worker/counselor to an expectant or birth parent AND be adoptive parent.  You can't do both well, nor is it ethical.  That's why I'm a big fan of having an experienced, ethical, adoption-competent social worker involved in any adoption.  Because your job is to be the child's MOM, not the birth or expectant parent's social worker.  

If you pour so much of yourself into the role of "counselor," you will have less of yourself to be your baby's mom.  To be your partner's partner.  

You cannot do everything well.  You were never meant to.  It's not ethical.  It's not fair.  So just don't.  

5:  Making BIG promises.  

Wait, Rach.  Aren't you a fan of open adoption and promises?

I believe in making and keeping promises.  But I also believe in making sure those promises are organic and realistic in the first place.

Promising openness in an adoption, let's say promising X number of visits per year, for the entirety of a child's life is not only naive but frankly unwise.  Because promising such openness isn't considerate of the child.   What will the child want one day?  Need?  Require?  You don't know that when your child is merely a infant, toddler, or preschooler.   Also, you aren't taking into account real life:  people move, people change.   

Make short-term, organic promises.  Keep the communication open.  Step by step, month by month, year by year.  And always, always do what's best for the child. 

And certainly, never make promises you don't intend to keep or promises based on trying to secure a placement.  Because that placement is of a baby, and that baby has a right to thoughts and feelings regarding his or her adoption. 

What would you add to my list?  What have you learned throughout your adoption and parenting journey?

Why Adoption Fees Should Not Be Based on the Child's Race

This week, a reader asked me to address this issue:  Is it OK for adoption agencies to charge fees based on the race of the child?   

Short answer:  no.  

Long answer.  Here it goes.  

1:  An adoption journey should cost what an adoption journey costs.

If an agency is charging based on the race (or sex) of the child, that means they're charging money FOR the child, not for the adoption journey.  Because adoption journeys, generally speaking, cost agencies about the same amount of money.  The adoption journey costs should be averaged and that's what EVERY family should pay.  

Essentially, charging money based on a child's race ensures that there is baby-buying and baby-selling, not an ethical adoption where parents are paying for a process, not a person.  

2:  It can be detrimental to the parents. 

An agency that charges based on a child's race encourages lower-income (white) hopeful parents to adopt a child they are not prepared for or do not truly desire.  

If an agency hikes up the adoption fees for the most "in demand" babies (typically white, healthy newborns) while "discounting" the adoption fees for babies in less demand (children of color, especially males), they are not only baby selling (see point #1), but they are also allowing only the wealthier families to adopt white children while "limiting" less wealthy families to children of color.

The problem?

Not every hopeful parent should be parenting children of color. (And by the way, a bi-racial child is a child of color, so I completely disagree with agencies allowing hopeful parents to be open to a white or bi-racial child, but not a "full" child of color.  Colorism in adoption is NOT ok and is also detrimental to the adoptee whose parents fail to understand transracial adoption and race.)

Transracial adoption requires many things.  And honestly, it is OK that not all families are open to children of any race.  Some families may lives in areas with little-to-no racial diversity.  Or they may have racist family members.  Or they may simply feel ill-prepared to adopt a child of color. 

An agency that encourages any hopeful parents to accept the placement of any child that the hopeful parents are prepared to raise is irresponsible of the agency.  Agencies that "encourage" placements of kids of color into families who cannot afford the adoption fees for a child they are prepared to parent (white children) is so disturbing and disgusting, and clearly indicative of an unethical agency.  (See point #4.) 

3:  It harms the adoptee.

This is point #3, but is certainly the most important argument for agencies NOT basing their fees on the child's race.  Because the innocent party in any adoption, the one who has no say-so, is the adoptee.  The adoptee is reliant upon the adults in the situation (the agency, the hopeful parents, the biological/expectant parents) to make good, healthy, responsible, respectable decisions.  

Allowing families who shouldn't be adopting transracially to adopt transracially does the adoptee a major disservice.  Worse, it could completely ruin the child's life!  Furthermore, how would an adoptee feel knowing that their parents got a "discount" on adopting him or her?  

What is done in the dark will always come into the light.  I'm a firm believer in telling our children the truth.  About handing over to them, when age-appropriate, their adoption files.  Disclosing to them information about their adoption stories throughout the child's entire life.  Transparency and authenticity build trust, and all good relationships are firmly planted in trust.  I can see how trust could be completely broken if you either do not share information about adoption fees with your adoptee and/or your child realizes he or she was "less" because of the color of their skin!  And you, as the parent, approved of that.  

4:  An ethical agency isn't being used.

In my opinion, an agency that charges based on the race of a child isn't an ethical agency.   

Because an ethical agency would charge reasonable, fair fees for an adoption journey AND would focus on what is best for the adoption triad, mostly on the adoptee, and not on capitalizing on the race of the child and the income of the hopeful parents.  This goes back to both points #1 and #2.   

Using an unethical agency has so many negative and forever consequences.  So though just one problem is fees, there are many, many other problems with using an agency that charges based on a PERSON and not on a PROCESS.

Finding an ethical agency is so incredibly important.  I spend a lot of time detailing why and how to find an ethical agency in my latest book.  For anyone considering embarking on a domestic infant adoption journey, or someone who is in the midst of one, I cannot emphasize enough how important ethics are and why you must, above all, be committed to an ethical adoption.  

If you sign up for my e-newsletter, you can receive my FREE e-book, "The Magic Letter in Adoption," right to your inbox.  There I explore why ethics (among other things) are crucial to your journey.

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We have adopted four children over the course of a decade, and we have never used an agency that charged families based on the race or sex of the child.  We also do not use agencies that base their fees on the income of the hopeful parents for some of the same reasons I listed here, but mainly, because I have ethical concerns with it.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this very important issue.  Let's connect on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.    

Creating Your Adoption Profile Book: Advice from an Adoptee

Four.

That's the number of adoption profile books I created.  But not created like sipped-some-tea-while-listening-to-jazz-and-handcrafting-a-profile-book.   No.  Like agonized over.  Every word.  Every photo.  (Being a writer has its downfalls...)  For hours and hours and hours, well until 2 A.M. sometimes.  (Read more about this agonizing process in my latest book.) 

Why are profile books so hard to create?  For one, many of us feel like we just aren't good at it.  Two, writing about ourselves is just weird.  It feels braggy and awkward.   Three, we know what's at stake.  We are putting ourselves "out there" to be evaluated as potential parents.  And that's intimidating! 

If you're struggling to create a profile book, if you've been putting it off because you feel you just cannot ever get it "right" (whatever that means), you are NOT alone.  Which is exactly why today, I'm sharing with you the words of Madeleine Melcher, owner of Our Journey to You, a profile creation and review business.   Now, Madeleine isn't just a business owner, but she's also a book author, mom of three, adoptee, and 2017 Congressional Coalition on Adoption Angel-in-Adoption awardee.

Rachel:  You are both an adoptee and a mom-by-adoption.  How do these two roles impact your profile-creation business?  

Madeleine:  I think that having grown my family through adoption and having been adopted myself allows me to truly understand what families who come to me are going through in terms of the stresses of the actual adoption process and the strong desire in their heart to welcome a child into their family. As an adoptee I think I can better see the whole picture of adoption and that people are not just adopting an infant, but a person who will grow up, have questions and need parents- not “adoptive” parents.  I have a lot of empathy for my own birthmother and I think that has carried over. I have had the opportunity to speak with a number of women who have placed their children and it is important to me that these women receive the honesty and true picture of a family through the adoption profile.

Rachel:  What is the #1 mistake you see hopeful parents make in their profile books?  Why is this mistake problematic? 

Madeleine:  Many of the profiles I see online sound the same.  The text could fit a thousand other families because it is so devoid of the uniqueness that makes the families who they are. There is no doubt in my mind that all of these families are thankful someone is reading their profile, that they are excited to grow their family through adoption, etc. but the expectant family needs and deserves more than that.  What makes the best profile books is text and photos that show and tell the reader about YOU- not the you that you think they want to see, the real you.  I think that families feel they need to be some imaginary version n of perfect with a huge, spotless home, and expensive vacations- they could not be further from the truth.  

Families need to be who they are and it is the specifics of what makes them who they are that will help the reader feel like they have met them for the first time.  Families need to look at their lives and the daily moments they hope to share with a child and convey that through words, captions and absolutely pictures.  If you hang out in your pajamas on Saturday mornings and make pancakes? Awesome!  Include it and definitely take a picture of your smiley face pancake!  Do you get involved in your community with volunteer work or attending cultural fairs or the farmers market?  Tell the reader about it! What are your strengths as a couple and how will that help in your parenting together? 

Don’t give generic answers, let the reader feel like they are getting to know you- is one of you handy and will fix broken bike chains or build a jungle gym?  Is one of you the math guru who will help with geometry homework when the day comes?  If you are single, answer the questions the reader will have before they have to ask.  For example, single women should include what male role models are in their family and specific ways they will be a part of the child’s life.  Families need to stop worrying about being themselves and realize that that authenticity or the lack there of can be felt immediately and does make a difference.  BE YOU is what I tell my families, there is no one else you can or should want to be!

Rachel:  You are for ethical adoptions.  How can a hopeful parent create an ethical profile book?  What does that even mean, exactly? 

Madeleine:  The purpose of adoption is to find loving and permanent homes for children who need them, period.  An ethical profile book begins with the most important part of a relationship, old or new- honesty.  

Hopeful parents must first be honest with themselves as they work through the many pages of “preferences” given to them by their agency.  Can they handle a child with more critical physical or mental health needs? Do they live close enough to the resources they would need for a child who may have those needs? Are they prepared for the question marks of a child who has been drug exposed?  Do they have an extended family wo would welcome a child of another ethnicity?  Are they willing to do what is needed to be sure their child feels represented in their family and life? 

Hopeful families must be honest with the expectant parents who read their profile by showing their authentic selves and not making promises they do not know if they can keep.  If families don’t know if they are open to sharing letters and pictures or if they are open to visits and regular communication with a birth family they should not ever say they would. Families should not feel pressured by anyone into promising a level of openness they are not comfortable with- expectant parents hoe for as many different levels of openness as hopeful families do and the truth is, whatever families think they may want now may change depending on the family they match with and vice versa.  

Knowing you have done all you can to have an ethical adoption is important!  It is important to the family, the birth family and will be one day to the child that was welcomed through it.

Rachel:  You offer profile book creation and profile book reviews.   How does a hopeful parent decide which option is best for them? 

Madeleine:  Sometimes people know right off the bat that they cannot get a profile done as quickly as they would like or that they don’t know where to start or really what to include so they reach out to me solely about creating their profile for them.  I have a workbook for families to use that can get them started as they draft their rough text which I will make suggestions about and sometimes ask them to include more about something that would be of interest to the reader, help them keep text manageable for the reader, add lists and meaningful captions that can draw from what would otherwise be more text and go over all text for adoption appropriate language.  I also speak with the family about what kinds of photos to include, help them choose photos, caption them and do all of the layout.  The layout is created with the family preferences and the guidelines of any agency they are working with and when we are finished if they need agency approval to move to printing I ensure any changes requested are done as quickly as possible and the pages are prepared for upload to printer or Shutterfly for hardback books.  It is really important to me that my families love their profile and that it is ethical and authentic.  People who come to me about reviewing a profile have already completed one on their own and want to be sure they did what they needed to and did not make any glaring missteps, before letting go of their final draft and going to print.  My reviews give comments on the elements of layout, photos, captions, text and adoption appropriate language.  Not only do I let the family know what I suggest they change, edit or add- but I give specific options of ways they can change, add or edit if they choose to.  I have had families that initially come to me for a review decide they just want to start from scratch and they become creation clients—either way, I love to help.  There is never any pressure from me for the client to choose one path or another, I want them to have what they feel will help them achieve the truest, most authentic profile they can- period and that varies from family to family.

Rachel:  What is one message you'd like to send to those considering adoption?  

Madeleine:  Please, when you welcome your child into your home and hearts- BE THE PARENT.  NOT the “adoptive parent”, not the 2^nd parent—THE parent and all the good, bad and in-between that comes with it.  Being the parent means you will do anything and everything you can to meet your child’s needs – whether it is taking them to the doctor when they are sick, telling he or she they were adopted from DAY ONE, teaching them how to dribble a basketball or learn square roots, give the birds and the bees speech or wipe a runny nose—being THE PARENT means being there and helping your child with everything, adoption related or not.  The most important way to know what your child needs is to LISTEN—the more you listen the more your child will talk and when he or she is a teenager you will be glad that is already something you share.  And when it comes to adoption- there is no more important voice than YOUR CHILD’S.  Your child needs you to be the parent- I hope you will meet that need with a fierce and forever love and 2 listening ears.

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