Adoptee and Mom-by-Adoption Michelle Madrid-Branch Answers Your Burning Adoption Questions

Allow me to gush?

Michelle Madrid-Branch is one of my favorite adoption community members.  She's an advocate for adoption, for adoptees, and for parents-by-adoption.  In addition, she's a book author, blogger, and podcast host.  I've had the honor of guest blogging for her on the subjects of faith + adoption and on saying good-bye to adoption.

Today, Michelle is answering three of my readers' adoption questions:

"What are your thoughts on changing adoptees' names? I almost feel bad wanting to change my kids' names but at the same time I want to gift them some part of our family and our traditions."

Hi, Penelope. Thank you for your question as it is a very important one. I can answer in two parts: first, as an adoptee and second, as a parent-by-adoption.

As a young adoptee, my names were changed—first, middle, and last names—upon the finalization of my adoption. For me, there was always a sense of sadness as a child, just wondering where the “first me” had gone. It caused confusion. With the stroke of a pen, that girl no longer existed, yet I still felt her inside of me. I mourned the little girl who no longer had a name. And, it took some time for me to embrace my new name and to merge those two little girls into one whole and complete woman. 

Shakespeare asked the question, “What’s in a name?” The answer, I believe—as it pertains to adoption—is quite a lot. I think it’s important to keep an adoptee’s name. What exactly that looks like, will differ for every family. A parent might solely keep a child’s name, or add their name to something new…honoring both birth heritage and adoptive heritage.

I am, as I mentioned, a parent-by-adoption. I have two children who were adopted internationally. I chose to keep their names in honor of their birth stories, birth heritages, and birth cultures...and I also added a name to their birth-names that honored their adoptive stories. 

Adoption is a weaving: something that has come before is being woven into something new. In my experience as an adoptee and parent-by-adoption, I have grown to know—beyond a shadow of a doubt—that it’s important to honor both.

"Open Adoption is what everyone promotes now. However, that is not an option for some of us for safety reasons especially when it comes to severe domestic violence. How do you explain that to an adopted child?"

Hi, JoEllen.  Thank you for this very important question. 

The safety of our children is always top-priority. Open adoption cannot work if there is risk of violence and abuse. 

As much as we advocate on behalf of open adoption—when all adults involved are showing up responsibly and lovingly—we have to realize that, in some cases, open adoption is not an option. I think being tender and real with our kids (in an age-appropriate way) about why is critically important. 

You might say something like this:

Right now, your birth mom/birth dad are currently going through challenges that have nothing to do with you, who you are, or the amazing person you are growing up to be.

Know that I love you, I will always love you, and I'm always going to be here to protect you.  I'm proud of you.  And, I'm so very happy to be your mom/dad.  I am always here to listen, to hear, to walk with you, and to comfort you.

I hope this helps. 

"I have no idea why our son’s birth mom chose closed adoption, but I have the same the question about how to explain it’s a closed adoption in sensitive ways that hopefully won’t cause anymore pain and confusion to him."

Hi Jessica. I struggled with my own closed adoption my entire childhood and into my adulthood. Closed adoption, for me, is difficult as it denies truth-in-history and truth-in-identity to the adopted person.

I am always in favor of openness in adoption, if it does not cause further trauma for the child/children involved.

Knowing why your son’s birth mom chose a closed adoption may or may not ever be revealed. So, it’s important to be honest in that way. If we don’t know, as parents, it’s okay. It's better to be honest than to try and force answers we don’t have.

You might say:

I don’t know exactly why your birth mom chose a closed adoption. What I do know is this: I love you. I am so very happy to be your mom. I love your birth mom because she gave you life. And, because she did, I get the great honor of knowing you and watching you grow. I am here to support you always. If I ever learn more about your adoption, I promise to come to you and tell you. If you ever have a question or need to talk, please know that you can come to me and I will drop everything to listen to you. We’re on this journey together!

My thanks to Michelle for her loving answers!  You can follow Michelle on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, read her writing on her website, and purchase her children's book, The Tummy Mummy, or her adult book, Adoption Means Love.  

5 Popular Adoption Phrases You Won't Hear Me Say or Share, and Here's Why

These adoption phrases may be popular, they may be catchy, but when you really think about it, they really aren't true of adoption for everyone.  

Perhaps you've heard some of these, or even used them yourself?  Before you share these on social media again, or don't respond when someone says them to you, I want you to consider WHY I don't use these and perhaps, why you shouldn't either. 

1:  #AdoptionRocks

I have read many adoptees share that they loathe this hashtag, and I totally get why.  I have never been comfortable sharing it, mostly because after a decade of parenting, I realize that adoption is many things, many complicated and bittersweet things.  #AdoptionRocks is simple.  Too simple.  It's also very adoptive-parent centric:  a point of view that excludes how our kids and their biological parents may feel.   

This isn't to say our children can't be proud to be adopted.  This also isn't to say that a biological parent cannot feel content or at peace with their decision to place.

But I feel that #AdoptionRocks isn't my hashtag to tout.  Why?  Because I know the intricate truths that parenting adoptees brings and reveals, and I want to honor those.  And because, as I share time and time again, it's not all about me or you.  Adoption should always be focused on the child.  

2:  I carried my child in my heart, not my womb.

Reason #1: It's too damn cheesy.   

Reason #2:  I cannot compare my experience (waiting for a child, preparing for a child) with the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual battles a birth parent has faced.   

Again, it's just not my place as a parent-by-adoption to "claim" any part of the conception, pregnancy, or birth of the child I adopted.   To do so insinuates that I'm attempting to compare my experience to that of a birth family member's or I'm trying to steal part of their experience. 

No, thanks.  

3:  DNA doesn't make a family; love makes a family.

Ok, now I do use #LoveMakesaFamily often in my social media posts.  But never, ever with a statement about DNA not making a family.   Because no matter the relationship your child does/doesn't have with his/her birth family, the birth family is ALWAYS your child's FIRST and BIRTH family.   

DNA does create family.  So does adoption.  

I don't see any reason to discount either or try to "one up" the biological connection.   And it's certainly not my place to dismiss the importance of birth family to an adoptee.  

4: Adopted children are gifts.

Listen, I'm loud-and-proud to be my kids' chosen mama.  I am very thankful that they are my kids.  However, my kids aren't objects, gifts, to be given.  They are human beings with thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  They are people, not presents.  

5:  Adoption is the new pregnant.  

Hmmmm.  Adoption and pregnancy really have zero similarities.  Plus, adoption isn't a bandwagon to jump on.  

This phrase also tends to minimize the difficulties of adopting:  the mountains of paperwork, background checks, interviews, education, financial sacrifices, relationships, and waiting.  Adoption has an enormous impact on the trajectory of a child's life.  Adoption is a serious, life-altering decision.  

Learn more about what I don't say, and why, in the chapter "All Aboard the Cliche Train" (pages 107-109) from The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  

How to Make Hair Styling Time Enjoyable for Your Black Child (Without Relying on an I-Pad or Tablet)

Four kids, four very different responses to hair styling.  Oh, and did I mention, it's been almost a decade of hair styling?!?   

My oldest:  so easy.  Not tender-headed AT ALL.  Give her a snack-cup and she'd sit as I learned to part, band, braid, and bead.

But my second daughter, oh my.  She was SO tender-headed.  To the point where she and I both wanted to just cut her hair.  Yeah, I said it.  Cut it ALL off.  It was just excrutiating from start to finish, for both of us.  I was in tears as much as she was, feeling like I failed as a mom.  But we stuck it out, and eventually she began to outgrow her inability to tolerate hair sessions.  

My son is a strong sensory seeker, but haircuts and hair styling can be a challenge.  We are pretty particular about how his hair is simply because it needs to be simple and practical.  I explain our hair care routine for him extensively in this prior post.  

My toddler isn't easy-peasy, but she's not very tender-headed either.  We stick mostly with puffs and finger coils for now, with occasional free-hair days in between.  

In our almost ten-years of styling, there's been much trial-and-error.  I am thankful for our tried-and-true routines, and I hope they help you, too:  

1:  Watch affirming movies.

I love showing my kids movies like Roger and Hammerstein's Cinderella starring Brandy, Whitney Houston, and Whoopi Goldberg.  The variety of hairstyles (Whitney's afro, Whoopi's dreds, Brandy's curls) can be a great talking point during the movie.  And I dare you not to sing "Impossible" the whole week long after watching!   

There's also the lovely "I Love My Hair" video from Sesame Street (I have that song memorized!)---though I'm not sure you'll want to watch it on repeat for the duration of the styling session.  

My kids LOVE popcorn, and it's an ideal snack for hairstyling sessions (easy to vaccuum up) and isn't sticky.  We usually pop mass batches on the stove (big family life), flavor with a little bit of butter and pink sea salt.  But sometimes we'll get the kids Boom-Chick-A Pop:  the light kettle corn flavor is the favorite.  

2:  Read hair books.

Keep all your hair books in a tote or basket that you can get out during hair time.  The tote can easily be stored, and the hair books, read during styling time, makes them special.  

There are so many excellent books for Black boys and girls on hair with more options coming out often.  I list our favorites for boys here and for girls here.  Another option is to purchase Black hairstyle magazines to flip through.  

Children who can read can practice reading aloud to you, or younger kids can listen to an older sibling read aloud to them.  

3:  Play with sensory toys.

For kids who need sensory input during hair styling sessions, yet you need them to hold mostly still, I recommend letting them sit on a wiggle cushion or a bean-bag chair.  There are also some fantastic fidget toys that keep your child's hands busy without compromising the necessity for them to sit while you work.  

Another option is to create a sensory box that fits on your child's lap.  Fill the box with sensory materials depending on his/her age and ability.  Great options include different fabric scraps, felt, colorful pipecleaners, ribbon, yarn, pom poms,  etc.  If you opt for the pipecleaners, kids can string pony beads onto them.  (I avoid allowing kids to play with a rice bin, slime, or cloud doh during this time, simply because in my view, it's too risky for there to be a spill or for hair to get into the materials.  However, Play-doh, like this sparkly version, may be a good option.)  

For younger ones, the "touch and feel" board books are a lot of fun.  Some touch-and-feel board books include Disney's It's a Small World series, any of the DK books, and the Bright Baby touch-and-feel.   Lift the flap books like those by Karen Katz and these (my toddler's favorite!) are also a great option.

4:  Encourage participation.

I have my girls put their beads of choice onto beading tools while I'm parting, banding, and braiding their hair.  I also offer hair product choices (like, which scent do you want?).  Or if we're using Gabby Bows, I have them unsnap the ones they wish to have in their hair and line them up for me.  My baby enjoys holding the different combs and hair product bottles.  You can also purchase dolls with style-able hair so your child can work while you do.  

Letting your child explore the different materials you're using is a way to create a positive and hands-on hair experience.  

5:  Offer empowerment, pride, and affirmations.

I take hairstyling sessions to be an opportunity to affirm my kids, their skin, and their hair.   I tell them how awesome it is that they are Black:  their hair can do so many things!  I give them options between two styles and let them choose.  When they get their hair braided with extensions, they have say-so in the length, the color (we often add color!), and the style.  They choose their beads or barrettes.  I keep a hand mirror near by so they can see how their style is progressing and admire the finished style.  

This isn't a stand-alone way to make the hairstyling session enjoyable, but it is definitely the most important and can be combined with the other routines.  

What are your tablet or I-pad - free tips for making hair styling time more enjoyable for your child?

5 Important Lessons We've Learned About Parenting Adoptees

I can hardly believe that ten years ago, we completed our first homestudy and started waiting for our first child!  

We thought we knew adoption. After all, we'd met with other families-by-adoption.  We'd read books, articles, and blog posts.  We weren't just hearing.  We were listening, learning, and applying.  

But with time comes experience, and wow, have we had some experiences over the past twelve years (the period of time from when we decided to adopt until now).  Four children placed with us, twenty "rejections," two interim care infants.   

1:  Love isn't enough.  

This is a BIG one.  

Because we're programmed as a society to believe love is all we need.  That love conquers all.  "Live, laugh, love."  You get the point.  

Many adoptees come into their forever families having experienced trauma.  Trauma, as we know, changes the brain.  That's why so many families like mine swear by the book The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, follow attachment parenting techniques, and swear by all the things Empowered Can Connect can offer us.  

Love is a critical foundation, but it isn't enough.  Because adoptees have needs beyond love.  We can't love our children's trauma out of them, nor should we try.  Instead, everything we do is based on love, but we know that we don't start and stop with love.  

The earlier families who choose to adopt understand this, the better off they are, and the more likely their adoptee is to flourish in life vs. suffer in silence, confusion, and frustration.

2:  Initiate adoption conversations.

This was some of the first adoption advice I ever received, and interestingly, I was reminded of it when I read this fabulous young adult, adoption-themed novel.

My friend, mama to a transracial, international adoptee, told me that she used stories that came up in the media to check in with her child about adoption.   

The truth is, your child, at some point (and likely many points) is thinking about his or her adoption.  

When you, as the adult, initiate the adoption conversation, you send your child one very powerful message:  that you are a safe person to approach about adoption.   

I read online ALL the time that adoptees want to search for their biological families, but they are too scared to broach the subject with their parents.  The last thing they want to do is hurt their parents' feelings.  

But what if adoption conversations were normalized from very early on?  What if children knew they were adopted from the get-go?  What if parents reminded their kids, over and over, that adoption-talk is OK?  

3:  Empathy:  always.  

I run a large adoption triad support group, and a few years ago an experienced attachment therapist spoke to our group.  I had the opportunity to speak with her one-on-one, and I asked her about a personal situation we'd encountered with one of our children whom was struggling greatly with an absent birth parent.   And she told me something I'll never forget, that our response, as adoptive parents, should always be empathy.  

Not correction.  Not explanation.  Not a lecture.  Not ignoring or sugar-coating or sweeping under the proverbial rug.   

Take the emotions for exactly what they are, and in return, offer empathy.  

4:  Listen to what your child needs. 

There is a lot of "noise" in the adoption community.  Some of it is so incredibly important, so incredibly crucial, and very helpful.  But some of it isn't.  

There are times, several years ago, that I felt like I could never "measure up" to be the mommy my children needed.  My children were doomed. I was doomed.  We were all doomed.  I felt this way after spending WAY too much time online.

If you notice, those who comment online tend to be one of two extremes on ANY subject.  There is very rarely balance.  Because the people who are in-the-middle usually aren't online passionately arguing.  Why?  Because they are living life!  

My friend Madeleine Melcher, who is both an adoptee and mom-by-adoption, wrote a wonderful book encouraging and educating adoptive parents.  In the book, she stresses over and over the importance of listening to YOUR child.  

Because she knows, and I know, there is no such thing as adoption gospel.  Of course, there are things that are clearly wrong and unethical.  But there are many things, as Madeleine shares, that are in-the-gray.  

Who matters most in any adoption?  It's your child.  So listen to him or her, above all, because as Madeleine says, that is the voice that matters the most.  

(PLEASE buy and read her book!  I promise you will be blessed by it!)  

5:  Tell the truth.  

This is something I say to my kids ALL the time.  That telling the truth is SO much better than lying, concealing, hiding.  Telling the truth, even when it's hard, is always the right thing to do.

This means that your children need to know THEIR truth, and you, as their parent, have the privilege and honor and responsibility of doing so.  

You are always telling your child his or her adoption story, adding details as the child matures and as new information is made known to you.  (This book is incredibly helpful in assisting parents talk to their adoptees and foster children.) 

I know that some of these details aren't pretty.  I know that as a parent, you are scared to tell your child because as a mom, you want to PROTECT your child.  But guess what?  Not telling the truth creates distrust, and it teaches your child that there is something shameful about their story.   

The Bible is right. The truth = freedom.  Freedom allows a child to know the full picture (as full as possible) and to process that picture.  And remember, if you are responding with empathy (point #3), initiating adoption conversations (point #2), parenting with love and then some (point #1), and listening to your child (point #4), you are more likely to be the parent your child needs you to be than if you aren't.  

Friends, I truly believe that adoptees can be raised by woke, loving, empathetic parents.  That's exactly why I wrote The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  To give you the book I didn't have twelve years ago.   And I want to thank my readers for all the beautiful e-mails I've received as a result of them reading the book.  

Where Is God in Adoption?

The year was 2009.  I had won a giveaway of Russell D. Moore's book Adopted for Life:  The Priority of Adoption for Christian Familiesand Churches.  

I devoured it in a matter of days, just as I do any newly released adoption book.  

And it made me squirm.  

I'm a person of faith.  I became a Christian at age 9.  I've grown up in church.  (We're talking hymnals, communion, John 3:16, revival, VBS, NKJV Bible church.  Anyone else?) 

At age 27, I became a mom by adoption.  And then, just as it is now, I heard the same things over and over again.  That God "called" people to adoption.  That orphans needed us, NOW!  That we were to get saved and then adopt kids and get them saved, too.  

And none of it sat well with me.  And it still doesn't.  

Can I tell you some truths about God and adoption?  Lessons I've learned over the past decade? 

"Christian" doesn't mean ethical.

An agency that has Christian in its name or description may be what you're aiming toward, because you believe that "Christian" carries with certain responsibilities and promises.  But let me be very clear:  Christianity is a spectrum, and some adoption professionals use their "Christian" status to do unethical things.  "Christian" isn't a safeguard in adoption, though it certainly should be.  We have personally worked with both Christian and non-religious adoption professionals, and above all what's most important is the professional commitment to ethics.  

What is an ethical adoption?  Well, that's a BIG topic, and I focus heavily on it here. 

The "widows and orphans" Bible verse is not about today's adoption industry.

I see it ALL the time.  Hopeful parents and those who have recently brought a child home, or hope to do so, boast of James 1:27. (NIV: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.") They use the verse to promote adoption as God's will.  

Many adoptees are not orphans.  This verse is not a command to swoop in and "save" children, especially not those who don't need "saving."  

Notice the TWO parts of the verse?  Widows AND orphans.  So often, I see adoptive parents shaving the verse down to fit their personal purpose:  to adopt a child.  

Which leads us to Ephisians 1:5 (another famous adoption Bible verse). (NIV:  "he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.")  Jesus Christ is the holiest of holy.  He "adopted" His sons and daughters through his redemptive, relentless, radical love.  

But we, as adoptive parents, aren't saviors of our children.  We just are not. And if you believe that you are the savior/superhero, it means you're putting yourself on a pedestal, leading your adoptee needing to be grateful for your "sacrifice."  And that's just jacked.  That's complicated.  That's not OK.  

God is love, and love conquers all!

Jesus' love can absolutely conquer all.  I wholeheartedly believe that.

But human love? Human love is flawed and wrought with issues.  And our human love cannot "conquer" our children's trauma, for example.  Or the needs of our children of color.

Love is a wonderful, critical foundation, but it is not enough when it comes to parenting adoptees.  

But Jesus and Moses were adopted, so God must love adoption!

There are very few similarities between Jesus and Moses being "adopted" and today's adoptions.

Today's adoption industry is full of unethical adoption professionals capitalizing on baby-hungry hopeful parents.  There are so many intricacies:  money, coercion, information, propaganda.   

I don't want you to believe you can't adopt ethically.  You can.  We did, four times.  Which leads us to this...

Where is God in adoption today?

God is in the step-by-step choices you make along your adoption journey, IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO BE THERE.   If you welcome Him into that space and honor Him in your choices, thereby also honoring the biological/expectant parents and most of all, honoring your child, the adoptee.  

You can't tell your adoptee that "Jesus loves adoption so you should love your adoption too," instead of letting your child, the adoptee, feel as he/she feels and work through his/her emotional journey.  

Instead, God can assist all members of the triad through the ups and downs that inevitably come with adoption.  The complexities, the questions, the fears, the joys.  God can be in the midst of those.  

Any type of adoption, whether it be spiritual or legal, does share commonalities:  love and devotion and hope.  But in my opinion, we shouldn't equate Jesus' death and resurrection, and His offer of salvation, to what we are doing or have done to build our family.  One is holy, one is selfish.  One is perfect, one is flawed.

There are stark differences.  And if we fail to acknowledge those differences, I fear that we have lost the depth of Christ's sacrifice for us and have put way too high of expectations on our children, the adoptees, the ones who matter most in the adoption.  

What do you think?  Where is God in adoption?  

  

10 Adoption Comments From Nosy Strangers and Real-Life Responses

We've all been there.

We're in the grocery store checkout line or at the park watching our kids or trying to select books at the library, when THAT stranger comes up and has somethin' to say about adoption.   

And we're often caught off-guard.  I mean, we're just living our life.  And then BAM!, adoption is thrown in our faces as the stranger demands we justify, explain, or explore adoption, right there, right in front of our kids.  

When I was new to adoption, I tended to give away too much information.  I wanted to please people. I didn't want to offend.  And I wanted to educate.

But the longer I've been in the adoption community (almost 13 years now!), the more likely I am to provide a "short and sweet" answer that educates but doesn't offer up any extra information that the stranger doesn't need to know.  

AND, most importantly, I answer in a way that protects my child's privacy.  

So, here are the top ten comments we get and how I respond:

Stranger:  "Your child is lucky you adopted them!"

You:  "I'm the lucky one."  

Stranger:  "How old is their real mom?"

You:  "I'm 36."  (Or whatever your age is)

Stranger:  "Are your kids real siblings?"

You:  "They aren't fake siblings."  

Stranger:  "Why didn't you have your own kids?"

You:  "My children are my 'own.'"

Stranger:  "Are you going to have your own child now that you've adopted?"

You:  "My child is my 'own' child."  

Stranger:  "How much did your child cost?" 

You:  "I paid for an adoption process, not a child."  

Stranger:  "I heard all adopted kids have problems." 

You:  "You heard wrong."  

Stranger:  "Is your son full or mixed?"

You:  "My son is human."

Stranger:  "God bless you for adopting children who needed a good and loving home."

You:  "I'm thankful to be my kids' mom."  

Stranger:  "Why did her birth parents give her up?"

You:  "Her birth parents placed her for adoption, and the reasons behind that choice are private."  

What would you add to my top-ten list?  How do you respond?