Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Thoughts and Doubts and Questions and Guilt Trips---Oh My!

I remember thinking during the first few months we had our daughter, is she happy?

After all, we took her from her biological mother---the woman she knew for the first thirty-nine weeks of life. Yes, we were chosen to be E's parents, and yes, we were good parents, but that didn't change the fact that I had some guilt about the situation.

Furthermore, would our daughter some day resent us because of our race? Would she be teased for her funny looking family? Would she be deemed as not "black enough" to be accepted by her own race because she's rasied by two white people? I recall one of my black students wrote a story about how was teased by some of her black peers who said she was an "Oreo" for living in a mostly white neighborhood and speaking proper English. The story hurt my heart and haunted me.

Being a new mom is a challenge, and being a new mom through adoption, a transracial adoption, was even more daunting. How would I do everything right so I wouldn't royally screw up my child?

I don't know why I entertained these thoughts and doubts and questions and guilt trips. After all, we did what we felt was ok by God to do---adopt. We used an ethical agency, entered into what we believe to be a God-blessed and orchestrated adoption, and we did nothing shady to "secure" a baby. We kept and still do, every promise we made/make to our child's biological family. We read adoption books constantly and keep adoption as a free flowing topic in our household.

My daughter is now nearly two years old, and it's funny how many times I forget that she's adopted and that we aren't the same color. She's just my normal, and I'm her normal. I'm not the same mama I was when E was first placed in my arms. But that doesn't mean I can stop learning. There will be challenges ahead.

I have no idea what questions she'll have for me in the future or how I'll respond. I hope I'll respond in honesty (even if it means "I don't know"), compassion, love, and grace. I hope that she'll know that I don't have all the answers, but I'll do my job as best I can---to love her, honor her, respect her, and support her.

2 comments:

Colleen: said...

"She's just my normal, and I'm her normal." I really love that line. Its so simple and yet pretty profound.
Just wanted to say that i understand your thoughts in this post and have shared many of the same doubts and feelings. From what I have read on your blog, I think you will succeed in responding to any challenges with grace and honesty.
Please keep writing! :)

Mama Bear said...

so true, all this compounded in the relm of adoption, I ve been through so many stages as an adoptive mom, and for now, just now, its a good stage I'm in with things, but I know this is subject to change very fast!

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