Thursday, January 1, 2015

Birth Family Blues

Happy 2015, Sugars!

Today, I want to share with you a revelation I had at the end of 2014.

We have three open adoptions. These have been very bittersweet, challenging, and beautiful relationships.  We are never sure what will happen next.

At times, I have deeply personalized the things that have happened and have been chosen by my kids' biological families. I think this is mostly because anything that happens with/to/because of my kids' biological families is something that can or will effect my children.  The other reason is, I'm a type A lady who thrives on control.  When things don't go well and according-to-plan, I'm not a happy camper.  (Just ask my husband.)

Certainly, not much in adoption is within my control. Over the past almost-eight years that I've been part of the adoption community, I've thought, Lesson learned! But my lack of control is a lesson I keep re-learning and need to keep being reminded of.

Toward the end of 2014, when a few things came up in our open adoptions, it dawned on me that this whole adoption thing is always going to be complicated and messy and ironic and faith-testing.  Time doesn't heal all wounds. The truth doesn't always set you free.

And because of this, and because I'm in this interesting position of being a mother to three children who have other mothers and fathers and siblings, and we're this big, complicated, intertwined forever-family, I'm going to have to figure out a better way to deal than to get angry, jealous, fearful, confused, and anxiety-ridden.

And I'm going to have to model good behavior and a proper heart-set for my children.

So instead of worrying and over-thinking and critiquing (as social media encourages us to do...and then that carries over into how we treat others in face-to-face interactions) and muttering (SERIOUSLY? or the not-very-Christian "WTF?!?"), I'm going to do this more:

Pray for my kids' biological families.


Offer them sincere encouragement and compliments.

Because all my emotions regarding the choices they make and how that might impact my kids ends up being ALL ABOUT ME, producing nothing of value.

I feel like my revelation is so simplistic, yet praying and encouraging are the two most sincere, promising, and productive things I can do, for both my children and their first families.

I hope that whatever you are yearning for in 2015, whatever God is telling you to do, and whatever you know to be right, you have the courage, peace, and strength to do it.  Nothing outside of His will for us will truly succeed or make us happy.

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