Miss E is an only child right now, and yep, she is the star of the show. Our world essentially revolves around her. I know it's not supposed to (saith the parenting experts), but realistically, toddlers are demanding---sometimes purposefully, sometimes not. Now that's not to say our daughter "rules the roost" because she's a little princess (although I do, gulp, call her "Princess" sometimes....), but instead because we feel that we only have one child once, and it's our joy to give her our attention, our affection, and our praise.
I have no idea right now when we'll begin our adoption process again. Sometimes I hear of "situations" (for lack of a better word) where a child might be available for adoption, and my heart leaps.
I tell myself many things. First, that a child needs a home. (In the case of domestic infant adoption of children of color, need can be an accurate description---because there are much fewer families open to children of color than families open to children who are white).
Second, that we have a home---a happy, healthy home.
Third, we have the money to go through the process. Thank you, adoption tax credit!
Fourth, we have the heart for adoption. We want to adopt again. We are educated on adoption.
Fifth, Miss E loves babies---toy babies or real babies. She points out babies when we are out shopping, yelling out, "BOBBY!!!" (baby). She recently went down the bottom shelf at Target, kissing every single baby doll on the face and grinning. In June we had our first interim care infant, and Miss E was constantly loving on her and "holding" her (with assistance---MAJOR assistance---of course). When the baby cried on afternoon in hunger, Miss E got the saddest look on her face, wanting to make the baby all better.
BUT....after a few breathtaking moments where I'm decorating a second nursery in my mind and generating name combinations, I realize how happy and whole we are right now. We have a CALM life right now. I know the switch from one child to two will be dramatic, life-altering, and chaotic at times. Yes, there will be sweet moments and happy seasons; however, there will also be many days when I'm going to want to pull my hair out. Am I ready for the challenge of two kids?
Contrary to what most moms say, I WAS ready to be a mom for the first time. I didn't feel uncertain. I was confident and ready.
But this time? Well, I think it's just not our season yet.
The very thought of mountains of paperwork, homestudy interviews, writing check and check, and the worse, waiting, is something I'm not sure I want to delve into in this season of our lives.
However, my heart aches for mothers planning to place their children for adoption who do not have many profiles to choose from. They don't have options, because many families aren't open to their brown babies. I want those moms to have options. But I know that we shouldn't jump into an adoption process in an attempt to possibly better one person's situation. To me, that's not a good reason.
I hope that when the time is right, we will clearly know it and will proceed, as I did with our first adoption, with complete excitement and anticipation.
Meanwhile, I'm going to keep enjoying our "life's a stage" moments, watching the Princess do her cool tricks while we stand right by her, cheering, clapping, and relishing.