I have big ideas.
I want to have the most amazing house that looks like it came from a magazine called Better Homes and Gardens Pottery Barn Pinterest. I want my girls to be able to recite Bible verses and Beyonce lyrics and quotes from Civil Rights leaders. I want to write a book that BLOWS YOUR MIND and makes you have one of those Oprah ah-ha moments. I want to walk into a room with my husband and everyone looks at us and thinks, "They are so in love. What a beautiful couple!" I want to walk into any public place---a park, a restaurant, a store---and people don't ask me if my girls are real sisters, but instead, they smile, say we have a beautiful family, and treat us like we are normal (we really are normal). I want to exercise with passion and energy, eat healthy foods 99% of the time, and stop thinking about what I don't like about my body but instead appreciate the fact that diabetes is a BEAST and I'm kicking it's rear every day with my uber-amazing woman powers. I want to read my Bible every day, be the hands and feet of Jesus, and do so with grace, maturity, and down-to-earthness that doesn't make anyone call me Bible Girl.
It dawned on me the other day that all the things I want, work toward, and strive for, constantly, are probably not the things God has in mind for me.
Back to the drawing board?
I'm a control freak. I'm passionate. I'm always thinking about the next. big. thing. I'm sharp-tongued too often. I love sugar. Love it. I don't spend enough time with my husband. I get too caught up in keeping up with chores. I spend too much time watching Dr. Phil and not enough time talking to Jesus. I hate my thighs. Hate them. I really want to write a book, but I'm not sure I'm good enough, experienced enough, or smart enough.
I'm a mess.
Aren't we all?
This Casting Crown's lyric is on my mind:
"Nobody knows what we're for Only what we're against when we judge the wounded. What if we put down our sings Crossed over the lines And loved like You did."
It's so easy to judge others, but even more than others, ourselves. We have this idea of who we should be, how the world should see us, and how awesome tomorrow could be if we just dropped 10 pounds, read the book of Proverbs to our kids, and became a superstar wife. But big plans are just that---big plans. And nothing, I believe, nothing will come to fruition with any sort of lasting and eternal success without the hand of God.