It started when I was pretty young, probably in middle school.
I would feel it in the middle of the night, or when I was waiting for my mom to pick me up after school, or when I was walking around the two acres we lived on. Years came and went. Crushes and boyfriends came and went, as did friends. There were events that flagged dates: births, dances, birthdays, vacations, ends and beginnings of school years and jobs, deaths. Though the excitement of Christmas or a vacation quieted it, it was always there...looming, brewing, and promising.
I stumbled upon it the other day when a bookmark I had made in early high school tumbled out of my library bag. It was an index card that I had covered in magazine scraps: bright colors, letters, and phrases. I was about to toss the bookmark in the trash when I noticed a phrase glued to the lower corner: "I've always had this feeling that God has something different for me."
And then I remembered.
"It" wasn't always a very good feeling. In fact, I don't remember it ever being something I deemed as "good" or "hopeful," but it definitely ignited anxiety and suspense in me. Finding the bookmark reminded me of it, the way I always felt as though I was carrying a tremendous burden or secret, and I couldn't articulate it to anyone because I simply didn't know how or that I could. And even if I did, who would understand?
It didn't go away until the day I was told I had type I diabetes. The day, the moment, I was told I had this disease, "it" was gone.
I still can't tell you what "it" was, exactly. I used to think it was simply anxiety or superstition (both quite common in a type-A person like myself). I might venture to say it was God trying to prepare me for the journey ahead. Or could it have been the Enemy trying to tether me in fear and nervousness, preventing me from living my best life possible, and then God squelched that the day I finally had an answer to why I was so sick for over a year and a half?
Fast forward to today. My daughters are loving the Mary Mary song "Go Get It." The song is about the fact that there is something waiting for all of us, a blessing, but in order to receive it, we have to go get it. My favorite line is, "It's your time."
This is my time. And I know it.
I'm married to Superman, I have three beautiful children, I'm a freelance writer and college writing teacher, and I have written a book. A book. I cannot believe it. The proof is sitting right in front of me as I type this. My name is on the front. It's real.
A lot of women I know wait for their dreams to come true, for Prince Charming to swoop in and rescue them. For the right job to fall in their laps, for the motherhood role they year for to magically appear one day like Timothy Green. For the weight to melt off. For the self-confidence to arise. For friends to be more loyal, children to be more obedient, husbands to be more mindful.
But that isn't how life works.
The best lesson my mother taught me is that I am in charge of myself. I can't do anything about how others act (or choose not to act).
This is my life.
And I'm making my dreams come true.
God laid the groundwork for my blessings. He put them in the right place at the right time.
But it's up to me to go get it.
And I am. With joy. With energy. With excitement.
Life is full of seasons, and no doubt there are inevitable, unavoidable bumps in the road. But that happens for ALL of us. As Mary Mary talks about, those things that crop up build our muscles, prepare us for what is next. Don't let someone stop you from going for it; and especially don't let yourself get in your own way.
Go get it, girl.