21 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2021

Happy January, friends! Every year, I post a list of important info you need to know for the year if you're planning to adopt. This year, it's 2021, so I'm sharing 21 things you need to know right now if you plan to adopt this year. 

Within each post, you'll find one or both of these:

-images: click on the image to learn more. Book images will take you to the page in which you can read a summary and reviews, take a glance inside, and purchase if you wish.

-links: links will take you to articles, social media pages, etc. in which you can learn more about the topic at-hand.

Here we go! 21 things you need to know if you want to adopt in 2021! 

1: Get educated. 

There are so many wonderful books, blogs, podcasts, videos, and conferences to help you prepare to adopt. Start here: 

2: Learn about the adoption tax credit.

The current adoption tax credit is $14,300. Get all of the details from the IRS page. 

3: Have an adoption-mindful baby shower.

Yes, you can have a shower while being mindful and respectful of the adoption triad. Read more on how to have an adoption baby shower here.

4: Educate your loved ones on adoption.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, adult siblings, friends, and more need to understand adoption. I highly recommend the follow two books.

 

5: Establish an adoption "village." 

Your adoption support system is absolutely critical!  Check out how to create your own adoption village here.

6: Learn about trust based, attachment, trauma informed parenting.

Your adoptee (the child you adopt) needs you to understand trauma and attachment parenting. Get started with this book:

7: Consider adoptive breastfeeding, bottle nursing, and donor milk.

There's a wonderful book that fully explores the possibilites when it comes to adoptive breastfeeding. You can get informed here:

8: Learn about open adoption.

Many adoptions today are considered "open," in which the biological family and adoptive family have ongoing communication and a relationship. There are many benefits to a healthy, open adoption. 

9: Post-adoption depression happens.

The reality is that adoption is difficult for many, and post-adoption depression is very real. Be prepared by learning about it now. 

10: Listen and learn from adoptees.

Adoptees are people who were or are adopted. Some have chosen to speak out about their experiences, which is such an amazing gift to both adoptive parents and adoptees. I hope you'll learn more from Michelle Madrid-Branch, for example, who is an adoptee and mom by adoption. 

11: And listen and learn from birth parents, too.

Birth parents offer you a perspective that can help you understand their journey and what you should and shouldn't do when it comes to your own child. 

12: DNA testing is becoming increasingly popular.

DNA testing is controversial in the adoption community, but is certainly worth considering. The decision to do testing is between you and your adoptee-child. There are a lot of pros and cons. You can read our honest review of Ancestry DNA testing here.

13: The most important thing is to have an ethical adoption.

I know, that's a tall order, isn't it? What is an ethical adoption? Well, you first need to get educated on it before you even begin to adopt, IMHO. An ethical adoption, in my own words, is making the right choices, no matter what, at all times. You can read my take on ethical adoption here:

14: Consider fundraising.

This is another controversial topic in the adoption community. I offer tips on the ethics of fundraising here. 

15: Support your transracial adoptee.

This is a BIG one. If you're going to adopt transracially, you need to do everything you can to support him or her. Becoming a multiracial family by adoption is a big deal.

16: Never stop learning.

As a family by adoption, you will never, ever stop learning. You will read books, blogs, articles. You will watch videos and attend conferences. You will listen to podcasts. Adoption doesn't end the day you finalize in court. I continually post adoption resources on my Facebook page.

17: Yes, it's possible that the adoption will "fail." 

One of the top fears I hear from those hoping to adopt is that the adoption will "fail." I understand this, but I want to reframe your thinking. A mom parenting her own child isn't a "failure." This isn't a game of tug-of-war. Read more about "failed" adoptions here.

18: It's OK to fall in love with a child who isn't yours.

But this doesn't make you entitled to the child. Choosing to adopt means choosing to opt for the possibility of heartbreak. 

19: Adoption language matters.

How you talk about adoption is very important, especially as you move from being a hopeful adoptive parent to a parent. Learn more about the adoption phrases I choose not to use and why, here.

20: Honor your child's adoption story by not over-sharing.

This is SO important. Your job is to develop trust with your child, not tell everyone your child's very personal and intimate adoption story. More on keeping your child's story private here.

21: Focus on developing a positive relationship with your child.

Your adoptee needs you. They need your empathy, love, support, and guidance. 

Join me all year long, on Facebook and Instagram, for more adoption information. 

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20 Things You Need to Know If You're Adopting a Child In 2020

Happy 2020, everyone! What an exciting year to adopt! I'm thankful that there is more information out there more than ever. When we started our adoption journey well over a decade ago, the resources were seriously lacking. We spent a lot of time scrambling and digging, trying to self-educate.

I truly believe that the more you know, the more adoption woke you become, the more ethical the journey will be. Why do adoption ethics matter so much? Well, I explain that in detail here. But in essence? Every choice you make now may very well impact others--including your child and their biological family, and of course, you too--forever. 

Now that we've the importance of adoption ethics established, here are twenty things you need to know about adoption in 2020.

1: Learn about the Adoption Tax Credit.

It's that time of the year when everyone is in full-on tax preparation mode. There is an adoption tax credit. You can get the adoption tax credit guidelines directly from the IRS website. It's usually easier to have a professional prepare your taxes when you're claiming the tax credit to make sure everything is done correctly.

2: Have the (adoption) baby shower.

Yes, it's OK to have a baby or child shower. You are an REM, as explained in The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption = a Real Expecting Mom. 

3: Educate your loved ones on the adoption process.

Don't leave your loved ones in the dark when it comes to adoption education. I highly recommend getting your nearest-and-dearest two books: In On It and Adoption is a Family Affair.

4: Establish an adoption village around your family.

You're in charge--and you need to take charge. Having a support system in place is critical to a family's success! I believe that the best village includes those who racially match your child + fellow adoptees, plus other adoptive families. 

5: Learn about connective, trauma-informed parenting.

Many of us in the adoption community use resources like Empowered to Connect and books by Dan Siegel because we have realized that parenting adoptees--who arguably have all experienced some level of trauma--means learning to parent differently than how we were raised. 

6: Get informed about adoptive breastfeeding.

Attachment parenting practices can be incredibly beneficial to the family who adopts. Adoptive breastfeeding in one option. There's a fantastic book called Breastfeeding Without Birthing to help you get informed. Not your thing? There are other options like skin-to-skin, bottle nursing, and other attachment parenting practices like baby-wearing.

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How is it possible that of all the women in the world, I was chosen to be her mom? 🌎💖 Do you ever sit in awe of your family’s story? 👇🏽👇🏾👇🏼 . . . #adoption #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptionstory #babygirl #multiracialfamily #whitesugarbrownsugar #naptime #thehopefulmomsguidetoadoption #daughter #momlife #mom #adoptivefamily #thisisus #melaninpoppin #tuesdaymotivation

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Dec 17, 2019 at 6:39am PST

7: Listen and learn from adoptees.

Adoptees are those who were (or some say "are") adopted. More and more adult adoptees are speaking out about their experiences. Check out some of my favorites, including Michelle Madrid-Branch, the guys who host Yes, I'm Adopted. Don't Make It Weird, and Katie Naftzger.

8: Listen and learn from birth parents.

Of course, it's important to listen to another important person in the adoption triad: birth parents. (In case you're new to adoption, the "adoption triad" refers to the adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptee.) Jill M. Murphy is one of my favorite resources, the author of Finding Motherhood. She's a birth mom and a mom-by-international-transracial adoption.

9: Post-adoption depression is real.

Learn what you can about post-adoption depression. It doesn't mean you'll experience it--but if you do, you'll be able to recognize the signs and know what steps to take next. 

10: Discover more about open adoption.

More and more adoptions are starting out as, or becoming more, open. Because of this, it's important to understand what open adoption is and isn't, how to have a healthy open adoption, and what to do when challenges arise. We talk a lot about open adoption here--because we have four open adoptions! 

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Question we get often. Do I do my kids’ hair? Yes and no. For the older girls: I shampoo, condition, moisturize, detangle, blow dry (prep). Braider braids. Hubby takes braids out. It takes THREE of us! Our son: he goes to a barber and gets a bald fade. He prefers short hair. Our toddler: I do it all. Sometimes free, sometimes puffs, sometimes box braids with beads. 👱🏼‍♂️👱🏼‍♀️👩🏾‍🦱👩🏿‍🦱👦🏽👧🏿 Have a question for me? Who does hair in your fam? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #bigfamily #multiracialfamily #momlife #transracialadoption #lovemakesafamily #melaninpoppin #adoptionislove #naturalhair #november #nationaladoptionmonth #whitesugarbrownsugar #friday #fridayvibes😎

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Nov 1, 2019 at 5:30am PDT

11: DNA testing is becoming more popular.

DNA testing is a controversial topic--but especially in the adoption community. Do you dare open up that "can of worms"? When is DNA testing OK and when is it not? I give you an honest review of Ancestry DNA testing here.

12: Select an ethical adoption agency or professional.

Choosing whom you'll work with is among the most important adoption decisions you'll ever make. Don't think that just because an agency is Christian, it is ethical by default. I give you everything you need to know when choosing an adoption agency here. 

13: Support your transracial adoptee.

Adopting transracially and being a multiracial family is different than raising a child of the same race--majorly different. Be prepared! Learn all you can about how to support your transracial adoptee. 

14: Learn how to fundraise.

Many who adopt rely on fundraising and grants to do so. This is another controversial topic in the adoption community--one that you need to delve into and decide upon. 

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Garlinghouse adoption fact: we went into adoption not knowing how many kids, what sex, what level of need, or what race our children would be.💓 In 2008, we were chosen to adopt a newborn Black baby girl. Two years later, another Black baby girl. Two years later, a Black baby boy. Three years later, a Black baby girl. Our family is multiracial, big, and there are some special needs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 💓 What’s your family like? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #bigfamily #daughter #son #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #adoptivemom #adoptee #adoptionjourney #adoptionstory #lovemakesafamily #adoptionislove #openadoption #domesticadoption #newbornadoption #transracialadoption #transracialfamily #transracialadoptee #sunday #sundayfunday

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Oct 6, 2019 at 5:31am PDT

15: Never stop learning.

I advise families to never stop learning about adoption. More and more resources are becoming available to us including studies, articles, podcasts, videos, conferences, workshops, and books. One thing you can do is make sure to keep up with the latest blog posts. I'm posting the latest information as it becomes available to us.

16: Know that a "failed adoption" is a possibility.

We've experienced multiple situations where the adoption didn't happen--and yes, it left us brokenhearted, disappointed, angry, frustrated, and uncertain. But the reality is, a mom and dad have every right to parent their own child--and we, as hopeful adoptive parents, don't have the right to someone else's baby. What is the correct response? I outline that here.

17: It's OK to fall in love with a child who isn't yours.

Being so guarded that you fail to open your heart isn't healthy. There is always a risk of an adoption not happening. But that doesn't mean you walk around with walls up. This was a powerful lesson I learned during our fourth adoption.

18: Adoption language matters.

There are certain problematic phrases that are common in the adoption community. One example is "adoption rocks" which many adoptees take issue with. Learn about adoption language and why it matters what you say and share on social media.

19: Your child's adoption story is sacred and privacy matters.

I know you're excited to adopt--but please, don't hand out your child's adoption story to anyone who asks you about it. It's important, from the get-go, that you learn to respect your child's sacred adoption story. 

20: No adoption is easy.

The adoption process and subsequent parenting of an adoptee is a journey--one with ups and downs. You need to be committed, relentless, and ever-mindful of what it means to parent an adoptee. You CAN do this.

Cheers to the new year, to your new adoption adventure, and for all that comes next! 

5 Things Adoptive Parents Should Say to Their Adopted Children

There's a lot of negative stereotypes about adoptees--and it doesn't help that they are the butt of many jokes in sitcoms, movies, and especially children's movies. I cringe every time I hear an adoption or adoptee "joke."

Just as I've said that when we're parenting children of color, we must work hard to bring them up since the world works hard to tear them down, I believe the same of adoptees. Society works hard to bring adoptees down, and as parents, we must work even harder to build our children up. They will face plenty of doubts, fears, and confusion on their own when processing their adoptions--and when we layer on adoptee stereotypes--it's complicated. And heartbreaking. And yes, this can happen even to children who were adopted as infants.

Being an adoptee is no "walk in the park" from what I've experienced and from what adoptees have shared with me. This is another reason why parents must be a trusted, safe, supportive home for their child. 

Here are five things adoptive parents need to sincerely say to their adopted children:

1:  I believe you.

When your adoptee trusts you enough to share their truths with you--on any topic--but especially regarding adoption, you should always, always response with empathy. One way to be empathetic is to say (and show) your child that you believe them. 

Their feelings are valid. Their feelings are real. And you can either hold those sacred or reject them. It's better to choose to hold those sacred and respond to them with empathy. 

If you're struggling to accept your child's emotions--work on your own issues as this parenting expert suggests. He explains how to do this--and why--in his book Parenting From the Inside Out.

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They look up to their dad. They’re always seeking his attention. He wrestles with them. Cheers for them. Laughs at their jokes. Tag? He’s on it! Swim races? Done! His energy is the best! He takes out braids, too! ❤️ I’m learning to appreciate our differences as parents. He’s more likely to give more chances. He’s a compromiser. I’m the stricter parent. It used to drive me batty-the way I’d say no and he’d say maybe or yes. But I’m realizing that our kids need both. ❤️ We believe in attachment, trauma informed parenting. We’re always learning new things and changing up what we do. Improving. Being the parents our kids need. ❤️ What’s your parenting style vs your partner’s? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #parenting #dadlife #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #adoptiveparents #dad #bigfamilylife #empoweredtoconnect #attachmentparenting #trauma #specialneeds #daddydoinwork #whitesugarbrownsugar #blackhairstyles #sunday #sundayfunday

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Sep 1, 2019 at 6:12am PDT

2:  I support you.

When you know your adoptee's feelings, you need to support your child in what they do with those. Perhaps it's counseling. Perhaps it's reaching out to birth family or searching for birth family. Perhaps it's forging a new path. Perhaps it's something else. Whatever it is, offer empathy and then support. Be the parent you were chosen to be.

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Garlinghouse adoption fact: we went into adoption not knowing how many kids, what sex, what level of need, or what race our children would be.💓 In 2008, we were chosen to adopt a newborn Black baby girl. Two years later, another Black baby girl. Two years later, a Black baby boy. Three years later, a Black baby girl. Our family is multiracial, big, and there are some special needs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 💓 What’s your family like? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #bigfamily #daughter #son #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #adoptivemom #adoptee #adoptionjourney #adoptionstory #lovemakesafamily #adoptionislove #openadoption #domesticadoption #newbornadoption #transracialadoption #transracialfamily #transracialadoptee #sunday #sundayfunday

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Oct 6, 2019 at 5:31am PDT

3: I am proud of you.

You're not just proud of your child for sharing and processing their feelings. You are proud of your child for who they are--their personalities, their gifts, their quirks. You are a proud parent, and you need to say that to your child freely. Don't assume your child knows you are proud of them. Speak it often and sincerely.

4: I love all of you.

Sometimes adoptees feel the need to hide parts of themselves--like their race, their special needs, their trauma, their questions--because they are fearful those won't be accepted and not just accepted, but embraced. We need to love our entire child--not just the "nurture" parts. Our children came with their "nature"--their biology--and that is important. Loving the whole child, all of the child, is our honor.

5: I am thankful for you.

I tell my kids all the time, "Of all the parents in the world, I was lucky enough to be chosen by your birth parents to be your mom." I am the lucky one--and I'm also thankful. I never push on my children that they should feel grateful for being adopted. How they feel is up to them, and my job is to offer love, support, encouragement, and resources. I'm also so very blessed to be chosen for the kids I have--because I, like all parents, think I have the best kids in the world.

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This hand I hold—it belongs to a big, Black, boy. The very person society tends to fear the most. 🖤 It’s mind-boggling to me: that I parent this handsome, empathetic, strong, funny, gentle, affectionate, smart boy. But people have already made up their minds about him because of his melanin. 🖤 They don’t see what I see. Warm brown eyes that light up when his baby sister walks into the room. Skin that deepens in the summer sun. Curly hair that holds tight coils. He is pure joy. 🖤 I don’t know what will change hearts and minds. Racism and stereotypes - they are big, pervasive, and overwhelming. They also break my heart. 🖤 All I can do some days is pull my boy into my arms-tighter and longer-and pray God keeps him safe. 🖤 My tee is from @stoopandstank 🖤 . #blackboy #blackboys #son #multiracialfamily #racism #mom #momlife #blackboyjoy #whitesugarbrownsugar #sunday #racism #stereotypes #blackownedbusiness

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Sep 8, 2019 at 5:46am PDT

What do you say to your adoptees, and why?

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