21 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2021

Happy January, friends! Every year, I post a list of important info you need to know for the year if you're planning to adopt. This year, it's 2021, so I'm sharing 21 things you need to know right now if you plan to adopt this year. 

Within each post, you'll find one or both of these:

-images: click on the image to learn more. Book images will take you to the page in which you can read a summary and reviews, take a glance inside, and purchase if you wish.

-links: links will take you to articles, social media pages, etc. in which you can learn more about the topic at-hand.

Here we go! 21 things you need to know if you want to adopt in 2021! 

1: Get educated. 

There are so many wonderful books, blogs, podcasts, videos, and conferences to help you prepare to adopt. Start here: 

2: Learn about the adoption tax credit.

The current adoption tax credit is $14,300. Get all of the details from the IRS page. 

3: Have an adoption-mindful baby shower.

Yes, you can have a shower while being mindful and respectful of the adoption triad. Read more on how to have an adoption baby shower here.

4: Educate your loved ones on adoption.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, adult siblings, friends, and more need to understand adoption. I highly recommend the follow two books.

 

5: Establish an adoption "village." 

Your adoption support system is absolutely critical!  Check out how to create your own adoption village here.

6: Learn about trust based, attachment, trauma informed parenting.

Your adoptee (the child you adopt) needs you to understand trauma and attachment parenting. Get started with this book:

7: Consider adoptive breastfeeding, bottle nursing, and donor milk.

There's a wonderful book that fully explores the possibilites when it comes to adoptive breastfeeding. You can get informed here:

8: Learn about open adoption.

Many adoptions today are considered "open," in which the biological family and adoptive family have ongoing communication and a relationship. There are many benefits to a healthy, open adoption. 

9: Post-adoption depression happens.

The reality is that adoption is difficult for many, and post-adoption depression is very real. Be prepared by learning about it now. 

10: Listen and learn from adoptees.

Adoptees are people who were or are adopted. Some have chosen to speak out about their experiences, which is such an amazing gift to both adoptive parents and adoptees. I hope you'll learn more from Michelle Madrid-Branch, for example, who is an adoptee and mom by adoption. 

11: And listen and learn from birth parents, too.

Birth parents offer you a perspective that can help you understand their journey and what you should and shouldn't do when it comes to your own child. 

12: DNA testing is becoming increasingly popular.

DNA testing is controversial in the adoption community, but is certainly worth considering. The decision to do testing is between you and your adoptee-child. There are a lot of pros and cons. You can read our honest review of Ancestry DNA testing here.

13: The most important thing is to have an ethical adoption.

I know, that's a tall order, isn't it? What is an ethical adoption? Well, you first need to get educated on it before you even begin to adopt, IMHO. An ethical adoption, in my own words, is making the right choices, no matter what, at all times. You can read my take on ethical adoption here:

14: Consider fundraising.

This is another controversial topic in the adoption community. I offer tips on the ethics of fundraising here. 

15: Support your transracial adoptee.

This is a BIG one. If you're going to adopt transracially, you need to do everything you can to support him or her. Becoming a multiracial family by adoption is a big deal.

16: Never stop learning.

As a family by adoption, you will never, ever stop learning. You will read books, blogs, articles. You will watch videos and attend conferences. You will listen to podcasts. Adoption doesn't end the day you finalize in court. I continually post adoption resources on my Facebook page.

17: Yes, it's possible that the adoption will "fail." 

One of the top fears I hear from those hoping to adopt is that the adoption will "fail." I understand this, but I want to reframe your thinking. A mom parenting her own child isn't a "failure." This isn't a game of tug-of-war. Read more about "failed" adoptions here.

18: It's OK to fall in love with a child who isn't yours.

But this doesn't make you entitled to the child. Choosing to adopt means choosing to opt for the possibility of heartbreak. 

19: Adoption language matters.

How you talk about adoption is very important, especially as you move from being a hopeful adoptive parent to a parent. Learn more about the adoption phrases I choose not to use and why, here.

20: Honor your child's adoption story by not over-sharing.

This is SO important. Your job is to develop trust with your child, not tell everyone your child's very personal and intimate adoption story. More on keeping your child's story private here.

21: Focus on developing a positive relationship with your child.

Your adoptee needs you. They need your empathy, love, support, and guidance. 

Join me all year long, on Facebook and Instagram, for more adoption information. 

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A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar)

5 Things Adoptive Parents Should Say to Their Adopted Children

There's a lot of negative stereotypes about adoptees--and it doesn't help that they are the butt of many jokes in sitcoms, movies, and especially children's movies. I cringe every time I hear an adoption or adoptee "joke."

Just as I've said that when we're parenting children of color, we must work hard to bring them up since the world works hard to tear them down, I believe the same of adoptees. Society works hard to bring adoptees down, and as parents, we must work even harder to build our children up. They will face plenty of doubts, fears, and confusion on their own when processing their adoptions--and when we layer on adoptee stereotypes--it's complicated. And heartbreaking. And yes, this can happen even to children who were adopted as infants.

Being an adoptee is no "walk in the park" from what I've experienced and from what adoptees have shared with me. This is another reason why parents must be a trusted, safe, supportive home for their child. 

Here are five things adoptive parents need to sincerely say to their adopted children:

1:  I believe you.

When your adoptee trusts you enough to share their truths with you--on any topic--but especially regarding adoption, you should always, always response with empathy. One way to be empathetic is to say (and show) your child that you believe them. 

Their feelings are valid. Their feelings are real. And you can either hold those sacred or reject them. It's better to choose to hold those sacred and respond to them with empathy. 

If you're struggling to accept your child's emotions--work on your own issues as this parenting expert suggests. He explains how to do this--and why--in his book Parenting From the Inside Out.

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They look up to their dad. They’re always seeking his attention. He wrestles with them. Cheers for them. Laughs at their jokes. Tag? He’s on it! Swim races? Done! His energy is the best! He takes out braids, too! ❤️ I’m learning to appreciate our differences as parents. He’s more likely to give more chances. He’s a compromiser. I’m the stricter parent. It used to drive me batty-the way I’d say no and he’d say maybe or yes. But I’m realizing that our kids need both. ❤️ We believe in attachment, trauma informed parenting. We’re always learning new things and changing up what we do. Improving. Being the parents our kids need. ❤️ What’s your parenting style vs your partner’s? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #parenting #dadlife #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #adoptiveparents #dad #bigfamilylife #empoweredtoconnect #attachmentparenting #trauma #specialneeds #daddydoinwork #whitesugarbrownsugar #blackhairstyles #sunday #sundayfunday

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Sep 1, 2019 at 6:12am PDT

2:  I support you.

When you know your adoptee's feelings, you need to support your child in what they do with those. Perhaps it's counseling. Perhaps it's reaching out to birth family or searching for birth family. Perhaps it's forging a new path. Perhaps it's something else. Whatever it is, offer empathy and then support. Be the parent you were chosen to be.

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Garlinghouse adoption fact: we went into adoption not knowing how many kids, what sex, what level of need, or what race our children would be.💓 In 2008, we were chosen to adopt a newborn Black baby girl. Two years later, another Black baby girl. Two years later, a Black baby boy. Three years later, a Black baby girl. Our family is multiracial, big, and there are some special needs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 💓 What’s your family like? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #multiracialfamily #adoptivefamily #bigfamily #daughter #son #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #adoptivemom #adoptee #adoptionjourney #adoptionstory #lovemakesafamily #adoptionislove #openadoption #domesticadoption #newbornadoption #transracialadoption #transracialfamily #transracialadoptee #sunday #sundayfunday

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Oct 6, 2019 at 5:31am PDT

3: I am proud of you.

You're not just proud of your child for sharing and processing their feelings. You are proud of your child for who they are--their personalities, their gifts, their quirks. You are a proud parent, and you need to say that to your child freely. Don't assume your child knows you are proud of them. Speak it often and sincerely.

4: I love all of you.

Sometimes adoptees feel the need to hide parts of themselves--like their race, their special needs, their trauma, their questions--because they are fearful those won't be accepted and not just accepted, but embraced. We need to love our entire child--not just the "nurture" parts. Our children came with their "nature"--their biology--and that is important. Loving the whole child, all of the child, is our honor.

5: I am thankful for you.

I tell my kids all the time, "Of all the parents in the world, I was lucky enough to be chosen by your birth parents to be your mom." I am the lucky one--and I'm also thankful. I never push on my children that they should feel grateful for being adopted. How they feel is up to them, and my job is to offer love, support, encouragement, and resources. I'm also so very blessed to be chosen for the kids I have--because I, like all parents, think I have the best kids in the world.

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This hand I hold—it belongs to a big, Black, boy. The very person society tends to fear the most. 🖤 It’s mind-boggling to me: that I parent this handsome, empathetic, strong, funny, gentle, affectionate, smart boy. But people have already made up their minds about him because of his melanin. 🖤 They don’t see what I see. Warm brown eyes that light up when his baby sister walks into the room. Skin that deepens in the summer sun. Curly hair that holds tight coils. He is pure joy. 🖤 I don’t know what will change hearts and minds. Racism and stereotypes - they are big, pervasive, and overwhelming. They also break my heart. 🖤 All I can do some days is pull my boy into my arms-tighter and longer-and pray God keeps him safe. 🖤 My tee is from @stoopandstank 🖤 . #blackboy #blackboys #son #multiracialfamily #racism #mom #momlife #blackboyjoy #whitesugarbrownsugar #sunday #racism #stereotypes #blackownedbusiness

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Sep 8, 2019 at 5:46am PDT

What do you say to your adoptees, and why?

Want more? Say hi on Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and join our Facebook community! Never miss a blog post again, AND get the first six chapters of The Hopeful Mom's Guide for Adoption--sent right to your inbox--by signing up here.

5 Things Young Adoptees Need Their Parents to do for Them

After a decade of parenting adoptees, I've learned a thing or two (or a hundred) about what I need to be doing for my kids. Not only do I have a tween, but I also have two elementary age kiddos, and a toddler.

Remember, love isn't enough. It's a powerful, necessary foundation, but a child who was adopted needs so much more.

Here's what I make sure to do for my young adoptees, and you should, too:

 1:  Initiate adoption conversations.

When we were first waiting to adopt, a friend of mine who adopted one child internationally, shared with me that she and her husband use every day situations (including stories in the media) to bring up adoption to their child.  She shared that we can't always rely on our kids to bring up their adoption thoughts to us. 

By taking the initiative to start open, empathetic conversations, we are teaching our kids that it is safe and healthy to talk about adoption. 

You need to get comfortable using adoption vocabulary. 

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I’ll never forget when my oldest two were young. A woman came up to us at church, looking at both my daughters. Then she pointed to one and said, “She’s got the good hair.” My heart broke. 👧🏿👧🏾 I work hard to make sure my kids feel confident. I want them to love their race. Their appearance. Their talents. Their history. 💗 I tell them: ALL your hair is GOOD hair. 💗 What have you taught your kids about their hair? Who helps support your kids in their confidence? 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 #goodhair #blackgirlhairstyles #whipmyhair #blackgirls #multiracialfamily #whitesugarbrownsugar #tuesdaymotivation #tuesdaythoughts #blackgirlmagic

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Jul 9, 2019 at 6:14am PDT

2:  Tell the truth about their adoption story.

Of course, we don't give our kids all the details when they are infants, toddlers, or preschoolers, but as their maturity builds, they deserve to have their entire truth.

Read that again: THEIR entire truth.

Yes, there are some not-so-pretty details to some of our kids' stories, which is why you need to have an adoption competent therapist on-hand for your family. You also need to never stop learning about adoption--reading everything you can get your hands on. Get educated and keep getting educated so you can be the parent your child needs you to be.

3:  Read adoption books.

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I’m so thankful. ⭐️ spoiler alert: The other day, after watching “Dead to Me,” it dawned on me that the reality is that my husband could have left. Bowed out. Backed out. Things got tough. Really really tough. ⭐️ He could have left when I almost died. Or before. When I was wasting away and depressed-with no answers. ⭐️He could have left when I said, I don’t want to put my body through the hell of a pregnancy. ⭐️He could have left the day the doctor told me I had cancer. ⭐️He could have left when I had a mastectomy. ⭐️He could have left during the three (plus) month recovery when he had to do EVERYTHING for our family, as well as strip blood from my surgical drains for three solid weeks. ⭐️He could have left when I had subsequent medical trauma anxiety. ⭐️ He could have left. But he didn’t. ⭐️ plenty of partners do. They bail. They can’t handle the pain, the work, the relentless commitment. ⭐️ he could have left. ⭐️ Last night I captured him reading to our son. Every night. Usually the same book. And it’s one of those longggg bedtime books. Then they cuddle and pray. My husband listens patiently to our son’s run-on, imaginative stories. they kiss goodnight. Magic. ⭐️ My kids have a daddy who shows up every single time. I have a husband who shows up every single time. He’s our glue. ⭐️ . . . #daddydoinwork #dad #husband #breastcancer #mastectomy #type1diabetes #dadlife #faith #marriage #marriagegoals #whitesugarbrownsugar #husbandandwife #whataman #type1diabetes #sunday #sundayvibes #weekend #bigfamilylife #bigfamily #thankful

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on Jun 9, 2019 at 6:01am PDT

Reading to your child has so many benefits. For one, it promotes attachment and connection. It helps your child build vocabulary, enhance their listening skills, and in the case of adoption, learn about adoption itself. 

I have several book lists available to you to help you get started. Here's one adoption book list along with discussion questions to ask your child after reading. I do recommend you preview any book before reading it to your child to make sure it's appropriate.

4:  Learn about trust-based, attachment parenting.

I'm a fan of Empowered to Connect, which is trust based parenting that build attachment. There are many ways to build attachment with an adoptee, and the book The Connected Child (which I consider the #1 book ALL parents of adoptees must read!) can help you get started. I also recommend reading The Whole Brain Child.

5:  Protect their privacy.

I've said it many times: do not hand out your child's adoption story like a grandma hands out cookies. The story isn't for anyone and everyone. It is sacred. It is private. And it belongs to your child. 

Remember, your allegiance is to the child you were chosen to adopt. You can educate others without disclosing your child's private adoption story.  Plus, imagine how damaging it would be if your child learned an important part of their story from someone you disclosed the story to--someone who didn't deserve that sacred privilege. 

Stay up-to-date on the latest adoption info by subscribing to my newsletter, and don't forget to say hi on Instagram, Pinterest, our active Facebook community, and Twitter.

Michelle Madrid-Branch Answers Your Parenting Adoptee Situations

She's back!

I'm so excited to have adoptee, mom-by-adoption and birth, and truth-teller Michelle Madrid-Branch here today. She's offering some heartfelt, experienced advice on what adoptive parents should do in certain situations they encounter with their adoptees.

And after you read, check out Michelle's brand new children's adoption book: Coco and Olive. You can also catch some riveting adoption essays over at the Quilt of Life and listen to her podcast.

Situation: An adoptee is questioned/made fun of by his/her peers for being in an adoptive multi-racial family.

MMB: This happened to my daughter just about three years ago. She was in 1st grade when another student told her that it was “awful” that she was adopted and that her “real” parents had left her. After speaking with my daughter, I went directly to the school principal. Not in anger, but out of concern. I saw this as an opportunity for awareness and education. The principal had both my daughter and her classmate to his office where he explained the heart of adoption and the beauty of family from all kinds of places and all different situations (multi-racial / multi-cultural). Each child also got to listen to the other as they shared their hearts and their feelings about what had occurred. There was forgiving and hugging. I then spoke to the mother of my daughter’s classmate. She cried on the phone. I told her that all was forgiven. I stressed how much we love her child and that the growth displayed in both our children far outweighed the moment that initiated it all. My daughter, through this hard moment, grew a stronger voice and a deeper awareness for adoption advocacy. She was only in 1st grade, but her wisdom was beyond her years. I learned in this moment, the power and importance of community. Young adoptees need to feel safe to express their feelings: at home, at school, and all points in between. Communication is key. This is a community-wide effort as we raise children who live within the skin of adoption, and within adoptive multi-racial, multi-cultural families. My biggest piece of advice: stay calm and look for the education opportunity. Make sure your child is okay and be the example of how to move through difficult conversations with empathy and grace. 

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Wakey, wakey. It's the last morning of summer pony camp.💕🏇🏼

A post shared by Michelle Madrid-Branch (@michellemadridbranch) on Jul 19, 2019 at 8:37am PDT

Situation: An adoptee is triggered by a particular adoption-themed (or simply an adoption topic that comes up in) book or movie.

MMB: This question triggers a distinct memory in me of being in my home country of Great Britain and taking my then five-year old son to a stage performance of The Lion King, in London’s West End. Ian (now 14) had been asking to see the live musical for quite some time. We were delighting in the performance when a song between Mufasa and Simba ignited a strong emotional response in my little boy. He started to cry from the deepest place within him. I gently picked him up and carried him into a quiet area of the theatre's lobby. I said, “Ian, can you tell me what you’re feeling, son?” He shook his head, no. “Ian, I am going to hold you in my arms and I want you to know that you are safe to cry as long as you need to. I love you. And, I love all those you are crying for inside of yourself, even if you cannot speak their names. They are with you and within you, son. And, it’s okay to feel and to cry. I’m not leaving. And, I’m proud of your incredible, sensitive heart.” I held Ian and let him move through what was obvious grief triggered by a song between a father and son in The Lion King. Adoptees will be triggered by so many things that they experience in the world. What’s most important is that they are heard and that we make the effort to understand, so that every adoptee can feel understood. My biggest piece of advice: you won’t always be able to foresee the things that may trigger an emotional response in your child-of-adoption. Just be ready to respond when the reaction occurs. Don’t make your child feel guilty, or ashamed, or bad for feeling what needs to be felt. Just listen. Hold them. And, let them know that you’ll always be there. 

Situation: An adoptee asks that parents refer to the child by the child’s BIRTH name vs. their current/legal name.

MMB: I have intimate experience with this question. My legal name is Michelle. It was the name given to me upon my adoption. My BIRTH name was Julié Dawn. Many times, growing up, I mourned my birth name. It was as if a part of me had been erased—taken without my consent. I never went back to Julié Dawn, but I did take back part of my birth father’s surname of Madrid. It was a legal change that, I’m sure, my adoptive parents struggled to understand. For me, it was liberating. It was done out of love for myself and the burning desire to live in my truth. My biggest piece of advice: I urge parents-by-adoption to listen and hear their children if they ask to be referred to by their birth name. Don’t take this personal. It’s not a rejection of you as their parent, or a diminishing of the love they hold for you. Have open and honest conversation and be transparent with each other. It’s my belief that keeping a child’s birth name (along with adding an adoptive name, if you choose) is a healthy approach. I’ve done that with both of my children: I’ve kept their birth names and woven in their adoptive names. I’d be happy and honored to refer to them in any way they feel is best for them. If you, as parent, know your child's birth name—and if you would like to add an adoptive name—please be ready to be open and receptive if your child decides that their birth name feels more “like home” to them. This is about identity. Truth-in-identity, for every adoptee, should be celebrated and embraced—always. 

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Have you heard the news?!? 🌈 @michellemadridbranch (adoptee and mom by birth and adoption) and her daughter (transracial adoptee) authored a childrens book! 🌈 Preorder now! Releases May 30! 🌈 Who is excited?! 👇🏼👇🏽👇🏾 . . . #cocoandolive #transracialadoption #multiracialfamily #wearefamily #adoptee #adopteevoices #blackgirljoy #whitesugarbrownsugar #childrensbooks #bookrelease

A post shared by Rachel Garlinghouse (@whitesugarbrownsugar) on May 29, 2019 at 5:44am PDT

Situation: An adoptee wants to refer to his/her bio parents as “mom” or “dad” and no longer by their first name or “birth mom” / “birth dad.”

MMB: My first thought in answering this very real and possible situation is to begin with a question: Why has it been acceptable (even encouraged) to use the term "birth mom / birth dad" but unacceptable (even discouraged) to say "adoptive mom / adoptive dad?" No judgment, but this is worthy of real, honest contemplation. I can only speak for myself here, as an adoptee, who has grappled with these terms over the course of my life. There seem to be so many rules that can keep the adoptee from finding his/her own sense of peace within his/her own adoption story. What each adoptee feels comfortable calling a first parent, should be a decision for the adoptee. Every adoptee should feel safe and secure in communicating this comfort level with the adults in their lives. As I coach adult adoptees, today, along the path toward healing, I often witness them struggling with finding a balance between the two worlds that they live in: biology and biography. It’s a struggle, all too often, rooted in guilt. We can help relieve this guilt by giving adoptees the permission to fully claim their stories, even down to the names of those within their stories. Please hear me when I say that birth mom and birth dad ARE mom and dad, and they have names. As an adoptee, referring to my birth mum as “mum,” felt right. She carried me in her womb and gave me life. She is and will always be my very first mother—no matter the circumstance that caused us to part. I don’t hold her in a higher place or with more love than my adoptive mother—my “mom.” I value my mothers equally. For me to lessen either of their value, in my eyes, would be akin to lessening my own sense of self-value. My biggest piece of advice: if the adoptee in your life desires to call a birth mom / birth dad by their first name, or by mom and dad—please, don’t make fists where open hands and open hearts should reside. In other words, don’t fight. Work to understand. Take ego out of the equation and let love rule. 

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Thanks to Michelle for the incredible book review of The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption! ^^^

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