6 Ways to Reduce Adoption Anxiety

So you know that I typically write about adoption, but today, I need to talk about something that impacts A LOT of women, and often women in the adoption community.    

We spend A LOT of time worrying and waiting.  We often live in long seasons of confusion, frustration, exhaustion.  And of course, anxiety.   

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, which means when it comes to adoption, my anxiety revs up even more.  For my entire life, I've heard things like:

-let go, and let God
-just take a chill pill
-calm down
-you just need to have more faith
-it'll be OK

Let me make one thing very clear:  when you have anxiety, you cannot just "suck it up."  Anxiety can be debilitating.  

Now being anxious in tough circumstances doesn't necessarily mean you have anxiety.  There are different types of clinical anxiety.  However, situational anxiety is quite common among those waiting to adopt.

I'm not going to play.  There are no superficial suggestions here like, just have a "spa day" with a friend, or jet off to Hawaii, or meditate.  Yes, a spa day, a fab vaca, or meditation might be able to help, but my goal is to provide you with practical (and from my experience) help.  

For more ideas, I explore the "waiting to adopt" phase in depth in The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption. 

1:  Make a list of what helps.

This should be a personalized list of the things you can do to stay focused on peace, joy, patience, and thankfulness instead of on worry and control.  Type out this list and post it somewhere visible.  And then refer to it often!   I promise, this can be very helpful.   I call my list "When Anxiety is Winning." Here are a few things on m list to inspire you to get started: 

-go outside on a sunny day and take deep breaths in of fresh air

-schedule a coffee date with a trusted girlfriend

-drink green or white tea or take l-theanine

-avoid social media (explanation of why)

-listen to my favorite energizing or calming music (depending on my mood)

-organizing something in my home

-diffuse an essential oil (I prefer orange for energy or vanilla for calming) or light a favorite candle

-repeating a favorite Bible verse

2:  Seek the guidance of an adoption competent counselor.

Not everyone gets adoption, so if you choose to go to counseling, I urge you to be picky!  

Counseling was a jackpot for me during my recent breast cancer journey.  My anxiety was at an all-time high, and it seemed like nothing I was doing was "enough" to tame the beast.  I needed cognitive behavioral strategies.   

Most recently, I learned of the container exercise---look into it!  Very helpful to "contain" whatever adoption issues you are wrestling with, the ones keeping you up at night.   

Counseling is great because it's an "outside party" who can listen to you without judgement and offer suggestions and exercises you can do to help your anxiety.  

3:  Join an adoption support group and/or create an adoption "village."

The more perspectives you have, the better.  A great adoption support group will be for all triad members, inviting everyone into the conversation.  It should be an open, welcoming place where you can ask questions and receive responses.   

I've been asked, what about online support groups?  I love that online groups bring about different triad members from all over the world.  I love that you can participate as much as you want or just sit back and read.   However, there are some drawbacks:  posting anything personal means many, many people have access to that information.  There tends to be a lot (a lot) of drama in online adoption groups.   These groups also tend to have a few strong voices that dominate the group's discussion and direction.   

So I'd say, join at your discretion, and remember that nothing, and I mean nothing, is more helpful and beautiful than face-to-face, hand-in-hand, heart-to-heart relationships.   So if you engage in online support, please consider person-to-person support as well (and more importantly).  

4:  Get educated.

Oftentimes, the source of adoption anxiety is ignorance, meaning, a lack of knowledge.  For example, perhaps your social worker has given you a checklist in which you must say what type of adoption you will or will not consider including transracial adoption, older child adoption, and special needs adoption.   

You want to swiftly mark "no" because you are scared.  You are intimidated.  You have a million questions but feel too frozen to seek answers.   But answers are exactly what you need to make an educated, confident decision.

I have talked to SO many adoptive parents who stepped out in faith, after getting educated, and have the children they do BECAUSE they chose to learn, listen, and say "yes."  If you've read The Lucky Few (if you haven't, PLEASE do!), you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Personally, we swiftly marked "white" on the race openness during our first adoption.  After waiting a year, we were re-evaluating our openness, and I remember looking at my husband and saying, "Why aren't we open to race?"  We spent four months in the trenches of transracial adoption education (and that was just the beginning...we have NEVER stopped our transracial adoption education):  meeting with transracial families, reading books/blogs/articles, talking for HOURS every single night about race, and more.  After those four months, our eyes were opened to the fact that not only could we adopt transracially, but we were as prepared as possible to do so.  Of course, experience IS the best teacher, but there's a lot to be said for proactively preparing.  

Our daughter was born and placed with us shortly after.  And now, we are parenting four transracial adoptees.  

5:  Be aware of possible future struggles, and prepare now.

Again, being proactive is incredibly wise!  After adoption, some women experience post-adoption depression.   A particularly difficult adoption might lead a mama to experience PTSD.   (I shared three trauma experiences you can explore here:  part 1, part 2, and part 3.) 

I don't throw these around lightly, and I'm not a medical expert.  However, I have engaged with thousands of adoptive parents:  and struggling with an adoption before and during is common, and the struggle often amplifies after the adoption, manifesting in post-traumatic stress (though it may or may not extend to PTSD) or depression.  

How can you prepare now?  Constantly "check in" with how your're feeling and doing.  A counselor (see point #2) can help you with this. Also, learn about post-adoption depression and trauma.  If you end up experiencing either of these, you will be able to recognize them and seek help sooner rather than later.  

6:  Don't pause your life.

You NEVER know how long it will take to adopt.  One of the worst mistakes a woman can make is to put her life on hold (AKA:  put her joy, time, peace, energy, etc. on vacation) while she waits for "the call."  

Waiting to adopt is a great time to invest in a new hobby, to "date" your partner, to organize things in your home, even prepare a nursery, make career moves at work, go on that dream vacation, step up your fitness routine, etc.  

Holding out only increases your anxiety!  If you bank everything on "when the baby comes," I've got news for you:  once the baby comes, you will have way less time, energy, and money.  Parenthood is tough!   It requires a lot of you.  It's a shift and requires a lot of adjusting.   It's a welcomed and wonderful shift, but it is hard.   

9 Must-Read Adoption-Themed Books for Adoptive Mamas

Summer is in full swing, and one of my goals is to fall back in love with reading!  This stemmed from my stint with breast cancer last summer (I cannot even...) and then stumbling upon an article that shared the fact that reading drastically reduces stress, just like yoga and meditation can!  

I've always loved a good book, but with four kids, silence is very rare.  And honestly, silence usually indicates the kids are up to no good!  

However, since it's summer, we've re-instituted family reading nights which is the perfect opportunity for us to ALL pull out a good book, cozy up in our pjs, and have some popcorn.   

Here are some new(er) adoption-themed books you MUST READ this summer!  ***Click on the pic of the book to read reviews and purchase***

Far From the Tree (Robin Benway)  - fiction

Several of my followers recommended this book to me.  Technically a young adult novel (which I'm totally loving right now, including Angie Thomas' book that I've purchased THREE times for different people as gifts), this book explores being an adoptee, a birth parent, reunion, and siblinghood.  

The Lucky Few (Heather Avis) - non-fiction

 I loved this book SO much that I interviewed the author about it.  Heather Avis' memoir focuses on adopting her three kids, one transracially and two with special needs.  She also talks about loss, leaning on God, and open adoption.  I found myself underlining quote a few paragraphs to reflect on later. 

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (Gail Honeyman)  - fiction

Eleanor struggles with social skills, and she thrives on predictability and routine.   Then she meets two men who dramatically change her world.   Eleanor has survived trauma and has major mommy-issues.  I couldn't put this book down, as I fell more and more in love with the characters and both their tragedies and triumphs.  This book is set to be made into a film, produced by Reese Witherspoon.

Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now From an Adoptee (Madeleine Melcher) - non-fiction

I'm totally obsessed with this book, and for good reason.  It's really easy to get "down in the dumps" about adoption, especially if you spend a lot of time online.  There were times I truly believed my children were doomed and I was a failure as a mother.  Instead of pouring my energy into reading negative adoption posts, I chose to pick up Madeleine's book and get encouraged!  Madeleine is an adoptee and mom-by-adoption, and she knows what she's talking about!  

The Orphan's Tale (Pam Jenoff)  -fiction

Noa was just 16 when she was forced to give up her baby (whose father was a Nazi soldier).  After discovering a train car full of Jewish babies, Noa takes on and goes on the run, eventually joining a German circus.  The story focuses on secrecy, motherhood, love, sisterhood, and hope. 

Daring to Hope (Katie Davis Majors) - non-fiction

I got this book for Christmas, and I've been slowly working my way through it.  Why slowly?  It's a pretty heavy read, laden with Bible passages and detailed stories from the author.  Katie's story is extraordinary.  Unconventional.  

Before We Were Yours (Lisa Wingate)  - fiction 

It's 1939 when four siblings are kidnapped from their home and forced to live in an orphanage ran by cruel and manipulative staff.  One by one, the siblings are adopted and must live with the trauma and secrecy.  Present day, a young woman set to marry, discovers that her family isn't exactly who they thought they were.  Through extraordinary life-altering moments, the reader is taken from past to present and back again, holding our breath to see if reunion will happen or if hope is lost.  This book is based on true events.

Ginny Moon (Benjamin Ludwig)  - fiction

Ginny is in foster care, but manages to find her birth mother through Facebook leading to a series of terrifying and heartbreaking events.  Ginny is determined to go back and get something (someone) she believes she left behind when she was taken from her biological mother.   This heart-pounding novel is one you won't be able to put down.  

The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption (me!) - non-fiction

Of course, I'll wrap up this list of fabulous must-read books with my latest.  I cover everything you need to know from the thinking-about-adopting stage to the months after an adoption finalization.  I insert plenty of wit, but mostly, it's just wisdom from a decade of experience in the adoption community.  

Happy reading, happy learning, happy summer! 

Dear Sugar: Honoring National Adoption Month with Heather Avis

Dear Sugar,

Foster care. Transracial adoption. Special needs.  Open adoption.  

These are just a few of things author Heather Avis explores in her book The Lucky Few. I couldn't put this book down! The best way I can describe it?  Refreshing. She doesn't hold back, sharing her experiences with her readers in a humble, authentic tone that has you tearing up one minute and laughing out loud the next.  

In honor of National Adoption Month, allow me to introduce you to Heather and her beautiful family:

Rachel:  What do others need to know about you? 

Heather: My family is made up of my husband Josh, my self and our three kids Macyn (9), Truly (6), and August (3). Josh and I have been married for 15 years and we are still crazy about one another! We adopted all three of our children and all of them were born in California, which is where we live. All three came home as babies and our son we got to bring home from the hospital at three days old. Our eldest and youngest have Down syndrome and our middle daughter is a different race than we are. We love to adventure and spend time with our friends and family. We always have something going. Doing life well and fully with others is important to us. It seriously does take a village!

Rachel:  Your book title is the first thing that caught my eye and lured me into buying it!  So often those of us who adopt are told how lucky our kids are to have us as their parents.  We are often regarded as saviors and superheroes.  But truly, we, the parents, are the lucky ones.  So tell me, why did you title your book "The Lucky Few"?   And what does "luck" have to do with adoption?  

Heather:  The lucky few is the idea that not many of us have a loved one with Down syndrome and not many of us answer the call to adopt, but those of us who do are few and very lucky! I think luck may have everything and nothing to do with adoption. I think piecing a family together in such a way really has a piece of luck about it. For example, my eldest's birth parents were born in Armenia and made their way to California long before she was born, and my middle daughter's birthmother was born in Guatemala and made her way to California long before my daughter was born and here they are as sisters. It's really kind magical. 

Rachel: Like you, when we initially decided to adopt, we held onto misconceptions, stereotypes (about adoption), and self-preservation.  We wanted "quick and easy."  But adoption is anything but "quick and easy," isn't it?  For my readers who are considering adoption, what do you want them to know that you wish you would have known when you started your journey? 

Heather:  I think this is almost a trick question ;). I've found the reality of life is we can't know what we don't know and we have to experience something to actually know it. So while there are lots of things I want to tell people considering adoption, things such as: be open to sooo much more than you already are; and birth families are a gift if you can have one; and let go of every single expectation you have ever had about becoming a parent; and it's going to be so freaking difficult; and it's going to be so freaking worthy no matter how difficult; and don't give up no matter what, the reality people can hear it but can't fully know it if they don't experience it. 

Rachel:  You chose to adopt two children with special needs.  I know that this scares a lot of people (and it scared you also initially, as you share in the book!).  One of my adoption mottos that I share with my readers is "make decisions out of education, not out of ignorance."  But special needs is a great unknown, no matter how well prepared and educated you are.  What gets you through the dark days, the confusion, the fear, the uncertainty?   And what is it REALLY like to parent children with special needs?  

Heather:  When we were deciding whether or not to adopt our daughter with Down syndrome I kept thinking, "I could give birth to exactly who she is." The truth is, we have very little control over who our kids are, adopted or not. If I was pregnant with a child with Down syndrome I would not have said no to her, so why would I say no to adopting a child with Down syndrome? Education is for sure helpful but there is no amount of learning or studying that can marry a mama's heart to her child's. And at the end of the day my kids with Down syndrome are my kids, and that's really all that matters. Any mama can tell you when your kid is your kid nothing else seems to matter. The truth is, when we brought our eldest daughter home we realized Down syndrome is a gift and that is ultimately what lead us to adopt a second child with Down syndrome. When I answer the question, "What's it really like to parent a child with special needs?" the people asking need to recognize I don't know any differently so for me, it's pretty "normal". There are some extras, such as weekly therapies for development and growth and so many additional doctor's appointments, most during the first couple years, but really, raising a child with Down syndrome is like raising a child. Parenthood is no joke, special needs or not! I also say the most difficult part of raising a child with Down sender has little to do with Down syndrome and everything to do with to world in which we live. The majority of systems in place are set up for people who do not have special needs. The world has yet to figure out to to create a space for people with Down syndrome to be exactly who they are and to be successful as that person. Currently my most difficult aspect of raising a child with Ds is the school systems and every other system in place. My kids are gold, the systems not so much. 

Rachel:  What's next for you and your family?  Will you adopt again?  Write another book?  

Heather:  We DO NOT plan on adopting again. We are at capacity and totally content. We think our family is done growing. That being said, when we set out towards parenthood  we never thought we'd adopt at all, and especially not children with DS. So we know God knows best and we are always ready to step where He calls us. Hopefully that won't be towards another kid! But if it is, we'll step up for sure. Also, if someone were to hand me a brand new baby most likely I'm taking that kid! And I am currently working on my second book. Writing up a proposal and hopefully getting it picked up by a publisher. So we'll see!!!

Want to connect with Heather?  Start with her Instagram, Macy Makes My Day, which has over 110,000 followers!