Dear Sugar: Your Burning Adoption Questions, Anxiety, Gender Preference, Profile Books, and More

Dear Sugar,

Occasionally I ask my Facebook followers what they want to know about adoption, so today I'm answering some of your questions! Let's get at it!  

Q:  I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression.  Can I still adopt?

The answer is, probably yes. Many parents-by-adoption have various health issues, whether it be mental or physical.  The most important thing is that your health issue is "controlled" and under the supervision of a medical professional.   I also think it's important that you are aware of your needs and are honest about where you are, because the adoption journey can be really mentally, emotionally, and (because of those) physically draining on a person.  It's likely your social worker will ask for a letter from your doctor regarding your health issue, which will be part of your homestudy process.   Just be honest (with your social worker and yourself)!  

Q:   I'm overwhelmed by all the adoption resources:  books, blogs, articles, workshops.  How do I choose?  

With adoption resources, I think the idea of "less is more" is false. The more perspectives you have, the better off you are as a parent. That said, I know it's not realistic for you to spend all your spare time reading adoption resources.  So my advice?  Start by reading ONE resource from EACH of the adoption triad members:  parent-by-adoption, adoptee, and birth parent.   Then once you've read those three resources, choose another three.   By making small goals (three resources at a time), you'll be more likely to actually read the resources.   To get started, here are three book suggestions from triad members:  Finding Motherhood (Jill M. Murphy)-birth mom and mom by adoption; Dear Adoptive Parents (Madeleine Melcher)-adoptee; You Can Adopt Without Debt (Julie Gumm)- mom by adoption.   

Q:  Should I have my profile book professionally created?

More and more hopeful parents are opting to have their profiles professionally created.  Most of us aren't graphic designers AND writers, so creating a book is a BIG deal.  I think the main question to ask yourself is this:  Is this profile book authentically me?   That's what's most important.  A good professional profile designer will help create a book that clearly is the REAL you.   Also, consider your budget.  Having a professional create your book comes at a cost.    At the end of the day, choose ethics.  Send out profile books that are truth-tellers, because what's at stake is SO important.  

Q:  I cannot have biological children.  Do I share that in my profile book?

It's your choice, though an expectant mom may be curious as to why you are choosing to adopt.  Just know that whether or not you choose to disclose in your book, you might be asked by an expectant mom why you are opting to adopt.  In some ways, it's easier just to put it all "out there" and "up front," since a question later (and in person) may catch you off guard.  The thing I don't want you to do is turn your profile book into a "sob story," where you pour out your story to expectant mothers and potentially induce some sense of guilt or obligation.   Your story is yours, and you can decide how to share it.   

Q: I really want to adopt a girl.  Is it OK to have a preference?  

I have strong feelings on this one---but remember, I'm only one person and my word isn't adoption gospel.   I do not agree with allowing parents to select the sex of the baby they will adopt when we're talking about domestic infant adoption.   Here's why.  One, your child might be thought to be a boy or girl and then surprise, is born and isn't what was predicted.  Are you going to back out of the match because the baby isn't your "dream" or "preferred" baby?   Two, a child isn't going to be a certain way just because he or she is a boy or a girl.  I have a daughter who loves dragons and basketball and the color blue.   She's not "girly." So if your preference is based on expectations and demands, that's not fair to the child.  We need to let our kids be who they are, not force them into a category out of selfish desire.  

Now, I have plenty of friends who did state a preference, and I believe that's their choice.  Their children are a joy.   But for me, I wasn't at all comfortable choosing a preference.   In fact, our son was thought to be a girl (surprise!) and one of my daughters was thought to be a boy (surprise again!).  I'm happy with our family:  three girls and one boy.   

I just wanted to be a mommy.  

Dear Sugars: Apply the KISS Method Next Time Someone Says Something Ignorant to You

Happy 2016!

This year, I'm going to focus on writing a letter to my readers (whom I lovingly call Sugars) every Wednesday.  Most will be adoption-related, and if not adoption, then race or health or parenting.  

So here we go!  Letter #1 of the new year!

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Dear Sugars:

After Christmas, I saw in several FB parenting groups where women were complaining about comments coming from relatives and friends.  Comments about adoption, comments about parenting choices (vaccines...oh, vaccines...and breastfeeding, let's not leave you out!), comments about comments...  These posters asked their FB group friends, "How should I respond?"  or "How should I of responded?"

First, know this:

People can be really, really ignorant.  And it's annoying.  And their ignorance can (and perhaps already has) festered within you for days, messing up your holiday merriment.  You reach for extra wine instead of cocoa.

I get it.

Yes, they often mean well, and often the comments come from those who truly do care about you. But sometimes, they just don't know how to say something appropriately, respectfully.  Sometimes, they just need to keep. their. mouths. shut.  But they don't, because they are relatives, friends, or co-workers, and so they feel like they have the right to speak up (and in ALL the wrong ways).

I know some people feel we live in a too PC culture where "everything offends everyone" and "you can't say anything these days."  That's not what I'm talking about here... (and let's not get into that right now, anyway)   I'm talking about the ways that you get kicked when you're down, even unintentionally.  

It's hard.  It's hard to HEAR another comment about your family-planning, for example.  And doesn't it always go that when someone asks you a super-sensitive, invasive question, the room goes silent and it feels like the spotlight is on you.

GULP.

If you are like me, later you are kicking yourself for not responding quickly enough or in the the most-perfect way.  Maybe you wish you would have been more direct or less abrasive.  Maybe you are angry with yourself for feeling obligated to answer.  Maybe you just wanted to suffer in silence. Maybe you were just trying to forget for five seconds that your body isn't cooperating with your baby-making plans...and then cousin Josh decides to be funny and make some off-handed comment about your eggs.  

I'm going to take it back a few years to the KISS method.  Keep.  It.  Simple.  Sugar.

Take it from my personal experience as a person with a chronic disease (10 years in March) and a mom who adopted three times (quite obviously).  Less IS more.  I've been asked if I should be eating dessert (I thought diabetics can't have sugar).  I've been told about great aunts going blind due to diabetes.  I've been asked how much my kids cost, if they are real siblings, or if why I didn't have my "own" babies.

Maybe this season, you faced something like...  

Your mother-in-law:  "When are you two going to give me a grandbaby?"

Your neighbor:  "Oh, I see you are still breastfeeding your son.  Isn't he a year old already?"

Your step-sister:  "What do you mean you don't plan to vaccinate your child?"

Your friend:  "I just think it'd be hard to love a baby I didn't give birth to."

KISS.  KISS.  KISS.

Just say, "Thanks for the advice."  Or, "To each her own."  Better yet, say nothing and just give a little smile.

Don't defend.  Don't explain.  Don't fumble.  Don't justify.

Just don't!

I do believe it's important to educate your nearest-and-dearest.  But maybe you aren't in a place to educate in the "heat of the moment."  That's ok.  Send an article.  Buy them a book.  Bring up the topic later when you are better prepared.

When you are adopting (and subsequently parenting), you cannot and should not take everything people say to heart, nor look at every comment as an invitation to start an emotional war.

Sugars, going forward, let's agree to apply the KISS method to all those ignorant encounters we're bound to have.  Doing so means you choose peace, you choose a higher road, and you choose to spend your energies on what really matters.

Let's have a fabulous 2016!  



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