That's the number of adoption profile books I created. But not created like sipped-some-tea-while-listening-to-jazz-and-handcrafting-a-profile-book. No. Like agonized over. Every word. Every photo. (Being a writer has its downfalls...) For hours and hours and hours, well until 2 A.M. sometimes. (Read more about this agonizing process in my latest book.)
Why are profile books so hard to create? For one, many of us feel like we just aren't good at it. Two, writing about ourselves is just weird. It feels braggy and awkward. Three, we know what's at stake. We are putting ourselves "out there" to be evaluated as potential parents. And that's intimidating!
If you're struggling to create a profile book, if you've been putting it off because you feel you just cannot ever get it "right" (whatever that means), you are NOT alone. Which is exactly why today, I'm sharing with you the words of Madeleine Melcher, owner of Our Journey to You, a profile creation and review business. Now, Madeleine isn't just a business owner, but she's also a book author, mom of three, adoptee, and 2017 Congressional Coalition on Adoption Angel-in-Adoption awardee.
Rachel: You are both an adoptee and a mom-by-adoption. How do these two roles impact your profile-creation business?
Madeleine: I think that having grown my family through adoption and
having been adopted myself allows me to truly understand what families who come
to me are going through in terms of the stresses of the actual adoption process
and the strong desire in their heart to welcome a child into their family. As
an adoptee I think I can better see the whole picture of adoption and that
people are not just adopting an infant, but a person who will grow up, have
questions and need parents- not “adoptive” parents. I have a lot of empathy for my own
birthmother and I think that has carried over. I have had the opportunity to
speak with a number of women who have placed their children and it is important
to me that these women receive the honesty and true picture of a family through
the adoption profile.
Rachel: What is the #1
mistake you see hopeful parents make in their profile books? Why is this mistake problematic?
Madeleine: Many of the profiles I see online sound the same. The text could fit a thousand other families
because it is so devoid of the uniqueness that makes the families who they are.
There is no doubt in my mind that all of these families are thankful someone is
reading their profile, that they are excited to grow their family through
adoption, etc. but the expectant family needs and deserves more than that. What makes the best profile books is text and
photos that show and tell the reader about YOU- not the you that you think they
want to see, the real you. I think that
families feel they need to be some imaginary version n of perfect with a huge,
spotless home, and expensive vacations- they could not be further from the
truth.
Families need to be who they are
and it is the specifics of what makes them who they are that will help the
reader feel like they have met them for the first time. Families need to look at their lives and the
daily moments they hope to share with a child and convey that through words,
captions and absolutely pictures. If you
hang out in your pajamas on Saturday mornings and make pancakes? Awesome! Include it and definitely take a picture of
your smiley face pancake! Do you get
involved in your community with volunteer work or attending cultural fairs or
the farmers market? Tell the reader
about it! What are your strengths as a couple and how will that help in your
parenting together?
Don’t give generic answers, let the reader feel like they
are getting to know you- is one of you handy and will fix broken bike chains or
build a jungle gym? Is one of you the
math guru who will help with geometry homework when the day comes? If you are single, answer the questions the
reader will have before they have to ask.
For example, single women should include what male role models are in
their family and specific ways they will be a part of the child’s life. Families need to stop worrying about being
themselves and realize that that authenticity or the lack there of can be felt
immediately and does make a difference.
BE YOU is what I tell my families, there is no one else you can or
should want to be!
Rachel: You are for
ethical adoptions. How can a hopeful
parent create an ethical profile book?
What does that even mean, exactly?
Madeleine: The purpose of adoption is to find loving and permanent
homes for children who need them, period.
An ethical profile book begins with the most important part of a
relationship, old or new- honesty.
Hopeful parents must first be honest with themselves as they work
through the many pages of “preferences” given to them by their agency. Can they handle a child with more critical
physical or mental health needs? Do they live close enough to the resources
they would need for a child who may have those needs? Are they prepared for the
question marks of a child who has been drug exposed? Do they have an extended family wo would
welcome a child of another ethnicity?
Are they willing to do what is needed to be sure their child feels
represented in their family and life?
Hopeful families must be honest with the
expectant parents who read their profile by showing their authentic selves and
not making promises they do not know if they can keep. If families don’t know if they are open to
sharing letters and pictures or if they are open to visits and regular
communication with a birth family they should not ever say they would. Families
should not feel pressured by anyone into promising a level of openness they are
not comfortable with- expectant parents hoe for as many different levels of
openness as hopeful families do and the truth is, whatever families think they
may want now may change depending on the family they match with and vice versa.
Knowing you have done all you can to have an
ethical adoption is important! It is
important to the family, the birth family and will be one day to the child that
was welcomed through it.
Rachel: You offer profile
book creation and profile book reviews.
How does a hopeful parent decide which option is best for them?
Madeleine: Sometimes people know right off the bat that they cannot get
a profile done as quickly as they would like or that they don’t know where to
start or really what to include so they reach out to me solely about creating
their profile for them. I have a
workbook for families to use that can get them started as they draft their
rough text which I will make suggestions about and sometimes ask them to
include more about something that would be of interest to the reader, help them
keep text manageable for the reader, add lists and meaningful captions that can
draw from what would otherwise be more text and go over all text for adoption
appropriate language. I also speak with
the family about what kinds of photos to include, help them choose photos,
caption them and do all of the layout.
The layout is created with the family preferences and the guidelines of
any agency they are working with and when we are finished if they need agency
approval to move to printing I ensure any changes requested are done as quickly
as possible and the pages are prepared for upload to printer or Shutterfly for
hardback books. It is really important
to me that my families love their profile and that it is ethical and authentic. People who come to me about reviewing a profile have already
completed one on their own and want to be sure they did what they needed to and
did not make any glaring missteps, before letting go of their final draft and
going to print. My reviews give comments
on the elements of layout, photos, captions, text and adoption appropriate
language. Not only do I let the family
know what I suggest they change, edit or add- but I give specific options of
ways they can change, add or edit if they choose to. I have had families that initially come to me
for a review decide they just want to start from scratch and they become
creation clients—either way, I love to help.
There is never any pressure from me for the client to choose one path or
another, I want them to have what they feel will help them achieve the truest,
most authentic profile they can- period and that varies from family to family.
Rachel: What is one
message you'd like to send to those considering adoption?
Madeleine: Please, when
you welcome your child into your home and hearts- BE THE PARENT. NOT the “adoptive parent”, not the 2nd
parent—THE parent and all the good, bad and in-between that comes with it. Being the parent means you will do anything
and everything you can to meet your child’s needs – whether it is taking them
to the doctor when they are sick, telling he or she they were adopted from DAY
ONE, teaching them how to dribble a basketball or learn square roots, give the
birds and the bees speech or wipe a runny nose—being THE PARENT means being
there and helping your child with everything, adoption related or not. The most important way to know what your
child needs is to LISTEN—the more you listen the more your child will talk and
when he or she is a teenager you will be glad that is already something you
share. And when it comes to adoption-
there is no more important voice than YOUR CHILD’S. Your child needs you to be the parent- I hope
you will meet that need with a fierce and forever love and 2 listening ears.
