What to do When Your Adoptee Is Struggling With Adoption

It happened unexpectedly.  

One of my kids was focused on a worksheet in class when one of her peers seated next to her pointed to our family picture on the family poster on the wall nearby.  

"Is that your mom?" he asked.

She nodded yes.

He replied, "But she's white."  

My daughter didn't reply.

He continued, "That's weird."

The teacher had overheard the boy and immediately stepped in, telling him he was being rude and told him he owed my child an apology.  

(Read the end of this post to see what we did about this situation)

Sometimes our kids can be minding their own business, and adoption is thrown in their faces, uninvited.  

But that's how adoption goes often, right?  

The adoption conversations, thoughts, questions, and emotions can crop up anytime, anywhere.  They might be external or internal.  They can be positive, negative, or they may just be what they are.  

Sometimes they manifest into your child dramatically concluding they will run away and live with their birth parents.  Sometimes the manifestation is sadness, anger, frustration, or confusion.  Sometimes it's an adoptee fantasy of what their birth family's life is like, or they fill in the gaps of their own adoption story.  Sometimes these feelings and thoughts are fleeting, while other times, they sit and stay awhile.  

And the holidays, birthdays, school breaks, and traumaversaries can be triggering for adoptees.  You might see your child struggling more this time of year (Thanksgiving and Christmas).  

What about the hard seasons?  What is a parent to do?

1:  Review what you know. 

Pull out your copy of The Connected Child, meet up with your adoption support group, talk to your social worker, meet with that wise adoptive-mama friend, adoptee, or birth parent.  Look to the trusted people (your village) and resources you already have in place and are familiar with.   

When something challenging crops up, we often go into anxiety-mode.  When this happens, we are unable to think clearly and often forget what we already know.   This is why the very first thing you should do is pause and ask yourself, "What do I know to be true?  What do I know to be helpful?"  

If you're a person of faith, a great first-step is also to PAUSE and to PRAY.   I've had many help-me-Jesus moments with my kids when they've asked me HARD questions, and I started to internally panic.  When I said a quick prayer for wisdom, I was always granted something helpful.  

2:  Work to figure out what you do not know.

As your child gets older, new (and often surprising) struggles may crop up, leaving you wondering, "Why didn't I learn about this in our adoption training?" and "What do I do now?"   

Again, you are not helpless.  First, you have the foundation of what you already know.   Second, you have the ability to decide to seek additional resources and take action.   

You have to decide, do I channel my time and energy into worrying, or do I use my time and energy to work toward helping my child?  

3:  Find a counselor or other professional.  

Finding an adoption-competent counselor for your family can be one of the best moves you make.   This person serves as support, a sounding board, and a wise encourager.  He or she can point you to resources (books, conferences, other professionals, etc.) that can assist you in parenting your child.  

Some counselors will work with the entire family, while some specialize in just working with adults, teens, or children.  

Note:  I encourage families to do this even if their children are having no obvious issues related to adoption.  Why?  Because being proactive matters.  Don't wait until you're in crisis-mode to seek help.   

4:  Don't beat yourself up and take your child's struggles personally.

Adoptees struggling with adoption happens.

Re-read that for me, will you?

So, knowing this, your job, as your child's parent, isn't to get into an unhealthy cycle of self-blame or defensiveness.  

Your job IS to problem solve and work through feelings with your child.   

This isn't to say you aren't allowed to have your own feelings.  Many of us are "mama bears" and have BIG feelings when our kiddos are struggling.  This can be a powerful motivator to help our children, but it can also cause us to be really hard on ourselves.  If you find that your child's feelings are triggering feelings in you, figure out what you can do to help yourself.  Is it seeing a counselor?  Meeting with friends from the adoption triad?  Reading a book?  

---

I talked to my daughter about how she felt about what the child said to her.  Then I asked her how she would respond if something like that happened again.  She came up with 2-3 responses.   I told her she could be funny, serious, snarky, whatever!  It's HER adoption and HER personality, so it's HER choice how she responds.  Then we did a few practice conversations in which I played another kid talking to her about her adoption and her family.   I got these ideas from this workbook for adoptees.  

How have you helped your child work through an adoption struggle?

Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?  

5 Important Lessons We've Learned About Parenting Adoptees

I can hardly believe that ten years ago, we completed our first homestudy and started waiting for our first child!  

We thought we knew adoption. After all, we'd met with other families-by-adoption.  We'd read books, articles, and blog posts.  We weren't just hearing.  We were listening, learning, and applying.  

But with time comes experience, and wow, have we had some experiences over the past twelve years (the period of time from when we decided to adopt until now).  Four children placed with us, twenty "rejections," two interim care infants.   

1:  Love isn't enough.  

This is a BIG one.  

Because we're programmed as a society to believe love is all we need.  That love conquers all.  "Live, laugh, love."  You get the point.  

Many adoptees come into their forever families having experienced trauma.  Trauma, as we know, changes the brain.  That's why so many families like mine swear by the book The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, follow attachment parenting techniques, and swear by all the things Empowered Can Connect can offer us.  

Love is a critical foundation, but it isn't enough.  Because adoptees have needs beyond love.  We can't love our children's trauma out of them, nor should we try.  Instead, everything we do is based on love, but we know that we don't start and stop with love.  

The earlier families who choose to adopt understand this, the better off they are, and the more likely their adoptee is to flourish in life vs. suffer in silence, confusion, and frustration.

2:  Initiate adoption conversations.

This was some of the first adoption advice I ever received, and interestingly, I was reminded of it when I read this fabulous young adult, adoption-themed novel.

My friend, mama to a transracial, international adoptee, told me that she used stories that came up in the media to check in with her child about adoption.   

The truth is, your child, at some point (and likely many points) is thinking about his or her adoption.  

When you, as the adult, initiate the adoption conversation, you send your child one very powerful message:  that you are a safe person to approach about adoption.   

I read online ALL the time that adoptees want to search for their biological families, but they are too scared to broach the subject with their parents.  The last thing they want to do is hurt their parents' feelings.  

But what if adoption conversations were normalized from very early on?  What if children knew they were adopted from the get-go?  What if parents reminded their kids, over and over, that adoption-talk is OK?  

3:  Empathy:  always.  

I run a large adoption triad support group, and a few years ago an experienced attachment therapist spoke to our group.  I had the opportunity to speak with her one-on-one, and I asked her about a personal situation we'd encountered with one of our children whom was struggling greatly with an absent birth parent.   And she told me something I'll never forget, that our response, as adoptive parents, should always be empathy.  

Not correction.  Not explanation.  Not a lecture.  Not ignoring or sugar-coating or sweeping under the proverbial rug.   

Take the emotions for exactly what they are, and in return, offer empathy.  

4:  Listen to what your child needs. 

There is a lot of "noise" in the adoption community.  Some of it is so incredibly important, so incredibly crucial, and very helpful.  But some of it isn't.  

There are times, several years ago, that I felt like I could never "measure up" to be the mommy my children needed.  My children were doomed. I was doomed.  We were all doomed.  I felt this way after spending WAY too much time online.

If you notice, those who comment online tend to be one of two extremes on ANY subject.  There is very rarely balance.  Because the people who are in-the-middle usually aren't online passionately arguing.  Why?  Because they are living life!  

My friend Madeleine Melcher, who is both an adoptee and mom-by-adoption, wrote a wonderful book encouraging and educating adoptive parents.  In the book, she stresses over and over the importance of listening to YOUR child.  

Because she knows, and I know, there is no such thing as adoption gospel.  Of course, there are things that are clearly wrong and unethical.  But there are many things, as Madeleine shares, that are in-the-gray.  

Who matters most in any adoption?  It's your child.  So listen to him or her, above all, because as Madeleine says, that is the voice that matters the most.  

(PLEASE buy and read her book!  I promise you will be blessed by it!)  

5:  Tell the truth.  

This is something I say to my kids ALL the time.  That telling the truth is SO much better than lying, concealing, hiding.  Telling the truth, even when it's hard, is always the right thing to do.

This means that your children need to know THEIR truth, and you, as their parent, have the privilege and honor and responsibility of doing so.  

You are always telling your child his or her adoption story, adding details as the child matures and as new information is made known to you.  (This book is incredibly helpful in assisting parents talk to their adoptees and foster children.) 

I know that some of these details aren't pretty.  I know that as a parent, you are scared to tell your child because as a mom, you want to PROTECT your child.  But guess what?  Not telling the truth creates distrust, and it teaches your child that there is something shameful about their story.   

The Bible is right. The truth = freedom.  Freedom allows a child to know the full picture (as full as possible) and to process that picture.  And remember, if you are responding with empathy (point #3), initiating adoption conversations (point #2), parenting with love and then some (point #1), and listening to your child (point #4), you are more likely to be the parent your child needs you to be than if you aren't.  

Friends, I truly believe that adoptees can be raised by woke, loving, empathetic parents.  That's exactly why I wrote The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  To give you the book I didn't have twelve years ago.   And I want to thank my readers for all the beautiful e-mails I've received as a result of them reading the book.  

5 Ways to Mess Up Open Adoption

In April, I shared with you five ways to help create a successful open adoption.  So today, I want to re-visit this important topic, but share with you five ways I see parents messing up open adoption.

First, open adoption is defined as the triad (that's the birth family, adoptive family, and adoptee) having some level of an ongoing relationship, usually through direct-contact.  This might mean texts, phone calls, e-mails, and visits. 

1:  Too much, too soon.

Whether this is during an adoption match or after a placement, some parents give out too much, too soon.  This can be everything from contact information (address, cell number), to life details (where you work, what you believe in, etc.), to contact itself.  Why is this problematic?  Because all good relationships develop healthily through organic growth.

2:  Holding back.

While you don't want to give too much, too soon, you also don't want to hold back too much.  This person is planning to, or has already, entrusted her child to you.  Therefore, you do need to be "open" to have a successfully open adoption.  This doesn't mean you disclose every little life detail (your income, your weight, your social security number---duh), but you do need to be vulnerable and willing in an open adoption relationship.  Otherwise, you are hampering its ability to succeed.

3:  Tit for tat.

Just as you disclose information to the expectant or birth family, you want some information from them.  This can be positively motivated:  you want to be able to convey information to your child (the adoptee).  But interrogating an expectant or birth family member, or demanding information because you somehow feel entitled to it, can have negative consequences and damage the relationship. 

4:  Guessing.

You do not know how the other person is feeling.  They do not know how you are feeling.  Therefore, if you are unwilling to communicate rather than guess/suppose, you are setting the openness up to fail.  Ask questions.  Check in with each other.  Be honest.   But don't guess.  There are too many factors and circumstances in every person's life for guessing.

5:  Taking everything personally.

Once again, things happen in the other person's life.  Things happen in your life.  Every single emotion or question or statement or reaction isn't always (or even often) rooted in you.  This is why we need to go back to #4.  Guessing doesn't work.  Ask, but again, as I shared in #3, don't enter into conversations feeling entitled to every tidbit of information. 

And when a birth parent is struggling, you need to point him or her back to the social worker (hopefully the very ethical one).  You cannot and should not assign yourself the role of birth parent counselor AND mom to your child.  I go into detail about this in my latest book.  Because your #1 job?  To be your child's mom.  Trying to be counselor can hinder or even harm your relationship with your child, with your other children, and your partner. It can take a toll on your own health.

You cannot bypass the work, time, commitment, authenticity, and grace that open adoptions take.  Please don't try to "fast pass" or bypass or ignore.  Do the work.  Make the changes.  And avoid burning bridges that cannot be repaired.

18 Things to Know If You're Adopting in 2018

Can you believe it's 2018?   The holiday season was a whirlwind of food, family fun, gifts, traveling, decorating, and if we're honest, pure exhaustion.   And if adoption was on your radar before the holidays, your urgency to adopt is probably more intense after spending so much time with family (perhaps answering the question, "When are you going to have kids?"---yikes!).   To help you prepare for the journey ahead, here are 18 things you MUST know about if you're adopting this year: 

1:  Adoptive breastfeeding.

Yes, it's possible.  Yes, it's controversial.  Yes, I am a fan.  Read more about it from expert Alyssa Schnell, and read my experience here and here.   Know there are plenty of ways to form a secure attachment with a child you adopt, with nursing being one of them. 

2:  Employer financial help.

Some employers offer financial assistance to those who choose to adopt.  (Yes, it's true!)  Maybe you or your partner's companies are among those?   Be sure to talk to your HR rep.    Usually the company offers this reimbursement for expenses (you must submit documentation) after the adoption has been finalized.   The Dave Thomas Foundation offers the 2017 "best" adoption-friendly companies list here.

3:  Adoption leave.

Some employers offer adoption leave!  My husband had four weeks of paid leave off with our first and fourth children---and it was an awesome blessing.  Companies recognize that adopting a baby matters too.  Again, check with your HR rep, and check out the list.  

4:  Open adoption.

We have four open adoptions, and I've written extensively about our experiences as well as shared some great resources with you.  Here I answer your burning questions.  I want you to know that it's OK to be scared:  but it's not OK to make decisions out of ignorance.  Get educated!  Weigh the pros and cons, and then move forward in confidence. 

5:  Representation matters.

If you adopt transracially, be prepared to fill your home with books, toys, games, art, music, and films that offer diversity.   Your child wants to see himself or herself represented!  For example, here are my favorite children's picture books featuring Black girls.   Follow me on IG where I post my newest finds. 

6:  Legal stuff.

If you're going to choose adopt, hire a "quad A" attorney to help you get through the process.  Legal stuff is nothing to mess around with or short-cut when it comes to having an ethical adoption. 

7:  Mentorship.

If you adopt, I highly recommend finding a mentor for your child.  It isn't as difficult as you might think.

8:  Saying goodbye to adoption.

Have you already adopted or tired of waiting to adopt, yet you're considering whether or not to "close the book" on adopting ?   BEEN THERE. 

9:  Profile books.

There are so many fantastic services that help you create your profile book.  Some even review the profile book you created yourself.    Consider this as an option as you budget for your adoption journey. 


10:  Faith.

Faith shouldn't be put on the back burner when you choose to adopt.  The two can walk hand-in-hand.  Check out the adoption journey devotional I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher:  adoptee and mom-by-adoption.


11:  Compliment accepted.

There are many things we parents-by-adoption hate (such as, "Are your kids real siblings?"--which tends to come about mostly in families like mine which are built by transracial adoption), but there's one thing I personally love to hear.   What about you? 

12:  Positivity is OK. 

If you spend any time on the Internet, focusing on any topic, you're bound to leave with some hurt feelings, annoyance, or anger.  Adoption is controversial and the community can be combative, leaving you discouraged.   Please, please, please read this fabulous book, written by an adoptee, directed to those who want to adopt or have adopted.  I promise you'll be uplifted and educated! 

13:  Create a home library for your child.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to instill a healthy sense of "you belong here" and "adoption matters" to your child, even from their earliest days.  Here are nine books I recommend you add to your child's book collection.   I also recommend these fabulous books which showcase the love between a parent and child. 

14:  Searching is normal. 

If your child wants to learn more about himself or herself one day, DNA tests have opened up many doors!  An adoptee who wants to know more about where he/she came from and his/her ethnicity should be supported by their parents. Three of my four children have done a DNA test through Ancestry, and here I offer you my honest review of how the process (and results) went! 

15:  Don't neglect the grandparents!

It's completely natural for grandparents/future grandparents to need adoption education.  Here I break down for you how to help them understand your choice to adopt. 

16:  Prepare the children you have now for a new sibling-by-adoption. 

Too often, your now-children are neglected when you're in the trenches of adoption paperwork and preparation.   But that's a big mistake!   Here are some easy ways to prepare your kiddos for a new sibling. 

17:  Consider special needs adoption.

There is always a need for those who are able and willing to adopt children with special needs.  You can register with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, for example.   And be sure to stock your home library with these fabulous books on belonging and difference---great for not only your child with special needs, but their siblings too! 

18:  Never stop learning.

Too many times I see new parents stop their adoption education just because they finally have a baby in their home.  Let me be clear:  the learning should NEVER stop.   That doesn't mean you live in an all-things-adoption world.  It does mean that you understand that adoption is complex, bittersweet, and evolving, and you want to be the best parent to your child by always being open to new ideas, research, and resources. 

Cheers to 2018 and your journey ahead!  

Dear Sugar: To the Hopeful and Waiting Adoptive Parent at Christmas

Dear Sugar:

This is my absolute most favorite time of year.  Like I'm certified Buddy-the-Elf-Christmas-crazy.

I love every single thing about Christmas:  the tree decorating, cookie baking, gift buying and wrapping, music listening, church attending, photo taking, present exchanging, movie watching.  It's also going to be quite magical to celebrate the holiday now that our daughter is a year old:  bring on the wrapping-shredding, bow-wearing, box-smashing!  

I'm very thankful for both the peace and chaos this season brings, because wow, has it been a year in the G-house.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had subsequent surgery, my sixth book was published, and we finalized our daughter's adoption.

I am, while full of joy (and relief) for the season ahead, remember what it was like to celebrate Christmas without a baby...again.  Waiting for your child can be the most excruciating, heart-torturing, soul-shaking season of your life.  You might smile on the outside, but there's an internal storm.  Everything around you is all-about-family.  It's all very Hallmark.  But you don't have those warm and fuzzies, because everywhere you turn, you are reminded of what you do not have.

^^^This photo was taken on Christmas Day in 2007.  You can see that we had baby on the brain, just as we had for several years.   (We were SO young!)

We were gifted many things that day for our future child...and we laughed, and awwww'd, and smiled.  But, I remember taking a bathroom break during the gift-opening chaos and having to take deep breaths and collect my thoughts before stepping back into the joy and mayhem of wrapping paper and cookies.  

This season is hard.  Because when you're waiting for a baby, there are babies EVERYWHERE.   And not just babies, but beautiful babies who grin and wave, who sit on Santa's lap, who snuggle and drift to sleep in Christmas jammies. 

There is no way around the pain.  There is only through.  

I don't know how long you've been waiting for your day to become a mommy, but I do know that waiting is never easy. Adoption is full of unknowns.  You know the call can come at ANY day and ANY time, which is both the hope and the discouragement.  

I'm not going to tell you to "suck it up" and enjoy Christmas. That's not helpful.  I'm also not going to tell you that "there is purpose in your pain" and that "everything happens for a reason." Also not helpful.

But I will tell you there's a pretty well-known baby who was anxiously awaited for...who was born into unexpected circumstances.  Who was a treasured surprise.  And He is who we celebrate at Christmas.  Look to Him, to His miraculous story, when you wonder, where is my baby?

As you wait and wonder, wait and wonder, I want you to know that it is OK, even healthy, to fall in love with a baby that is not yet yours.  You are an REM.  (If you've read my new book, you know what that is!).

As you struggle and savor (repeat), here are a few ideas on how to enjoy the holidays while waiting:

-find your future baby a Christmas gift.  Wrap it.  Put it under the tree.  It can be anything:  a toy, a onesie, a board book, a photo frame.  (Remember how women used to have hope chests?  My mom has one:  it's full of super-special things.  Maybe it's time to bring back the hope chest?)  How about this highly anticipated new children's book by mom-by-adoption Hoda Kotb?  (Click on image to pre-order)



-give yourself permission to grieve and yearn.  It's perfectly OK to turn down attending some celebrations in order to curl up on the couch with hot chocolate and a movie while wearing your pjs, because you are trying to deal with BIG feelings.  Give your soul a chance to relax and unwind.  

-while you want to give yourself grace, please don't neglect the things that you know will bring joy.  Don't deprive yourself of that joy as if you're making some sacrifice that will superstitiously make your phone ring.  Bake cookies with your relatives, participate in the Dirty Santa gift giving/taking game, wear the reindeer ears to work like your fellow co-workers.   

-buy your future baby a Christmas ornament.  Something that symbolizes your anticipation.  Hang it on the tree.  Pray over the anticipation of a child joining your family every time you glance at the ornament.

-check-in with your partner over a lovely date night dinner.  Relish in your moments as a pair where you can eat and drink what you want, stay out late, and have quiet conversations.  It's OK to be happy while also struggling to wait for your baby:  the two can co-exist. 

Please know, you are NOT alone. Madeleine Melcher (adoptee and mom-by-adoption) and me (mom-by-adoption) co-authored a book centered on faith and adoption to bring you the encouragement you need year-round.   We pray it blesses you as you wait for your baby.

Dear Sugar: Don't Let the "Rules" Suck the Joy Out of Parenting

Dear Sugar,

Sometimes I gotta take a break from reading about race and adoption and the combination: transracial adoption.   And here's why:

When you read about something TOO much, when you don't walk the line but go OVER the line and beyond, well, you begin to drown in it all.  And that's NOT good for your parenting.

Plus, you begin to feel like you can never be enough AND your parenting becomes legalistic in nature.

It's sort of like faith.   I'm a Christian, and what you need to know about Christianity is that it's a relationship-based faith, not a rule-based faith.  You see, a Christian is someone who accepts Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and opts to become "saved" and "redeemed."  This is ALL based on what Jesus did and can do, not anything that a person can do or did.   (I was reminded of this recently...since we humans love to turn things into "do better" and "try harder.")  

You see, when you're parenting a child by adoption (whether it be special needs adoption, transracial adoption, foster care adoption) there are "rules" you are to follow to be considered a good/educated/empowered parent.

Now I'm all about being and staying educated.  I'm about listening to triad members and members of your child's racial community.  I'm all about celebrating our kids for who they are and encouraging them to become who they want to be while being accepted into their racial community.

HOWEVER,

ahem,

there's a point in which a parent can become simultaneously prideful and uncertain in parenting when trying to follow all the rules.  You begin to drown rather than swim.   You scramble rather than soar.

And it's not healthy.  It's not good for you, it's not good for your child, it's not good for your family as a whole.

This often happens while being sucked in to too much social media.  Listening to strangers in online groups, constantly seeking a stamp of approval or an award.  Becoming a bit paranoid that everyone's eyes are on the parent...and then it becomes not only prideful but self-serving to always be ON IT.  To be the best.

This isn't authentic parenting.  This is about caring more about what everyone else thinks instead of doing what Madeleine Melcher (adoptee and author) tells parents:  to BE the parent and to LISTEN to the child.  

You were chosen to adopt your child by the child's birth family or by a social worker or other professional.  You were chosen for a reason.  Do you remember why?  Likely it wasn't that you were perfect (no one is) but that you were what that particular child needed in a mother.  

If you find yourself scrambling, trying to prove yourself (to yourself or to strangers...like that really matters...), get back to basics.  Find that beginning.   Find the beauty.   Ask God to open the right doors for you versus you trying to barrel through walls.

Today I want to stop trying SO hard.  Today I want you to know that yes, you should always seek to learn and listen, but that you should remember your priorities and with whom you allegiance, your time, your attention, and your heart should lie.

Also, in my experience and opinion, do not forget or neglect to have an in-person village around you and your family.  Social media can be very helpful in connecting us with resources and people, but nothing, nothing replaces face-to-face, authentic, call-me-in-the-middle-of-the-night-if-you-must relationships.

Today, I want you to take a breather.   There's a great book called The Hands Free Life to encourage you if you need to know HOW to break free from always being ON IT.

Dear Sugar, none of us is perfect.  None of us have it all together.   We aren't meant to.  We're beautifully flawed mothers raising children.    That is enough.  That is ok.  

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For more encouragement along your journey of adopting and parenting, check out the book I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher