5 Things Your Adoption Agency Probably Didn't Tell You

Our adoption education wasn't great.  I'll be honest.

I thought the agency we had chosen would enlighten us.  Prepare us.  Give us Adoption 101.

But I was wrong.  

ALL of our education initially came from our determination to self-educate.  We met with families who had adopted, we read books, and we talked (a lot) about adoption.  Then came the experience of being parents.  As the years went on, more and more resources became available to us (thankfully!).

Unfortunately, to this day, when I share information about adoption, too many current and hopeful adoptive mamas are shocked at what I share.  And I wonder, why didn't their agency tell them this???

So today, I want to share with you five things I've learned that adoption agencies aren't regularly sharing:

1:  Open adoption is really freaking complicated.

Open adoption is often advertised by adoption professionals as a win-win-win (for the adoptive parents, adoptee, and birth family).  Everyone knows how the other is doing, there's ongoing communication, and the mystery of adoption is nearly eradicated.  It's perfect, right? 

Or maybe, you're feeling totally opposite.  You are terrified of open adoption because of what your agency HAS told you.  It sounds good, maybe even too good to be true, and you're not having it.

Well, open adoption, like everything in adoption, is complex.  There's nothing easy about it.   Yes, it can be beneficial,

2:  Cute babies of color become threatening in the eyes of society as they get older.

Adoption agency websites and brochures feature a diverse "cast" of babies, but the melanin-rich baby that society "oohs" and "ahhs" over today, is the preteen, teen, or young adult subject to America's racism tomorrow.  Even kids as young as toddlers can experience racism, such as the time my two-year-old son was called a "cute little thug" but an acquaintance. 

You need to be prepared to parent kids of color for the long-haul, which means a commitment to for a lifetime.

3:  Some adoptees will experience and express trauma.

Even babies adopted at birth can experience trauma, including if a birth mother had a challenging pregnancy from stress, substance usage, health struggles, etc.   Some adoptees state that the separation they experienced from their biological families (yes, even at birth) has caused them to feel broken, hurt, angry, and confused for much of their lives (or, it's surfaced in certain seasons, such as when they had a child themselves).   You can read some posts by adoptee Michelle Madrid-Branch here and here.

This is why many of us in the adoption community are pro adoption-education and pro attachment-parenting.  These two things, we believe, are vital to our children's well-being.  I highly recommend that parents read this book on attachment and trauma in the adoptee.  Because the more you know, the more you are able to help your child!  I also recommend this book written by an adoptee directly to those of us who adopt children.

4:  You must tell your child early and often that he or she was adopted.

I see posts regularly where a mom-by-adoption asks, "When should I tell my child that he's adopted?"

DAY ONE. 

Adoption should be a continual conversation in your home, not a one time talk or a big reveal.

Pray for your children's birth families nightly (and aloud), have photos of them in books or in frames, and have books about adoption for your child.  As the child gets older, you can consider an adoption support group for adoptees and an adoption-competent therapist. 

5:  You might experience post-adoption depression.

Many adoptive parents focus on the struggles a birth parent has after placing a child for adoption:  and rightfully so.   But what agencies don't always tell parents is that if you adopt, you can experience post-adoption struggles, including adoption. 

There's only one book on the subject, and I'll be honest, it's quite text-bookish.  This is why I wrote this relateable, conversational post on post-adoption depression.  I was floored by the number of comments and messages I receive from people sharing their stories of post-adoption depression. 

If you are hoping to embark on an adoption journey, get started with this guide.

5 Simple Hacks That Can Help a Child with Seeking Sensory Processing Disorder

I've written about our struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder, which seems to be more and more common among children, and even more common among adoptees.   

We've learned a thing or two (or a hundred) about some of the tools and techniques that you can use to help your kiddo who has SPD.  Here are my favorite five SIMPLE hacks:

1:  Gum.

Chewing gum is great for a seeker.  (It can also help those with anxiety.)  It satisfies some of the need to seek without being cumbersome or big.  I have found that the sensory chewie necklaces are great at meeting oral sensory needs, but I struggle with one, their cost, and two, the fact that they're so germy!  A kid's necklace touches surfaces, hands, etc. and then goes into our child's mouth.   Gum is inexpensive, it's easy to carry, and I've heard from some other moms that gum is even in their child's IEP!   My recommendation is to be selective in which brand you buy.  We avoid artificial food dyes (as they tend to cause mood changes in kids).  There's the debate of which-is-better:  artificial sweetened gum or real-sugar gum.  We choose to stick with this brand of gum.  We do require that gum stays IN the mouth.  If it's becoming a toy/distraction, it's gone.  Luckily, my kiddo doesn't know how to blow bubbles.  

2: Backpack with weights.  

We carry a small-ish backpack with us everywhere we go and use it as-needed.  The trick?  We put ankle weights at the bottom of the backpack!  These serve a dual-purpose.  First, they weigh-down the backpack, providing sensory input.  Two, they can also be taken out and worn to provide sensory input.  Voila!  Just make sure the weights aren't too heavy for your little one and the backpack has good strap-support, as well as straps correctly adjusted to fit the child.  My son uses this backpack, and we got ankle weights at Five Below (for yes, $5).   

Other items in the backpack can be gum (point #1), small sensory toys, or just favorite toys in general.  One day I realized that my kiddo with SPD already had the perfect fidget toy:  a small Transformer! (I stress the "small" part as smaller toys and pieces help with fine motor skills/strength).  So don't feel that you must spend a lot of money on designated sensory toys.  You can often find "sensory toys" in the dollar spot bins at Target, for example, or other items at your local dollar store.  

3: "Let me see those eyes."

Ok, you might be a little lost on this one.  Let me explain.  When an environment is too sensory-stimulating, you may notice your child's eyes darting about.  It's hard to focus with all the stimuli!  The voices, the lights, the temperature, etc.  We have a saying:  "Let me see your pretty brown eyes."  It might take a few reminders, but it works.  I get down on the child's level, I rest a hand somewhere on the child's body, and I ask for their eyes.   This isn't a new trick!  My mom required us to look in her eyes when we were kids.  It's a way of connecting BEFORE correcting/communicating (thank you Dr. Purvis!).   

4:  In-place exercise.

We cannot always stick to a routine.  For example, in the summer, I established a routine for my children that alternated gross motor time with other activities.  I worked hard to incorporate heavy lifting/pushing work for my child with SPD into almost all our routine.   

But there are times you just cannot.  So we established a few in-place exercises:  wall push-ups, squats, jumping in place, and "punching" (where I assign them to "punch the sky, punch the floor, etc.") where they air-punch the direction I give them.   My kids LOVE to take turns being the exercise leader.   You can do this in almost any space.  

We also like to do yoga.  I'll burst out, "Yoga!" when things are getting out-of-hand:  and they'll assume a quiet/calm yoga pose with their eyes closed and hands in front of them at heart-center.  Yes, this can get a little silly at times, but it does help!  (You can also put on a free Cosmic Kids Yoga video:  I swear they are magical!)

5:  "I'm feeling ______."

This is a simple tool I use with all my kids, SPD or not.  When they're upset or struggling, I say, "I'm feeling..." and they know to fill in the blank.  For example, they might say, "I'm feeling sad."  Then I say, "Why are you feeling sad?"  We walk through the feelings.  Now with a child with SPD, they're likely over-stimulated, under-stimulated, or simply overwhelmed.   Once they can name their feeling (remember, anger is a cover emotion!), we work through meeting their needs.   (In order to get them to the "I'm feeling..." place, you first need to perhaps follow #3 (establish eye contact).  

What are some of your SPD hacks?  

Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?  

Things Adoptive Parents Are Tired of Hearing from their Friends and Family, and What You Can Do About It

Dismissive.  Conclusive.  Critical.  Assuming.  Over-complimentary.     

Comments from family and friends can be the most disheartening and discouraging for parents-by-adoption.  Mostly because we know that even our "nearest and dearest" can be just as uneducated on adoption as the general public.   

Having four kids and with a decade of parenting under my belt, I've learned a lot.  A lot about adoption, a lot about raising children, a lot about trauma, and a lot about special needs.  

Adoptees sometimes have needs that birth children do not.  But when our dear ones only have experience raising birth children, they tend to react to our parenting with less-than-ideal reactions that can grate our nerves, hurt our feelings, and even offend us. 

I've heard all these. Maybe you have, too? 

1:  "Have you tried...?" 

Nothing is more annoying that working your butt off for your child and hearing someone suggest a ridiculous or old school "remedy." Whether it's CIO (cry it out), an herbal supplement, a "good spankin,'" or time-outs.  We know how important attachment is for children who were adopted, and many common parenting practices are completely opposite of attaching in nature.        

2:  "It's just bad behavior."

There are absolutely times that all children behave badly.  And there are also many times adopted children are reacting, not behaving poorly, their way through a struggle.  Adoption grief can run deep, as explained in this video called "When Sad Looks Mad."  And special needs, such as a child with sensory processing disorder, cannot be "fixed" with discipline.

3:  "All children do that."  

It's so hard when someone assumes that what your child does is just "normal" behavior when it isn't.  For example, kids with sensory processing disorder can have sensory meltdowns.  Sensory meltdowns are not the same thing as tantrums.  And did you know that adoptees are more likely to have SPD than children who weren't adopted?  Other struggles like attachment and food issues may occur in non-adopted children, but in adoptees, they issues are more likely and more complex. 

4:  "It's a boy thing."  "It's a girl thing."

Nothing drives me more crazy than someone insisting that what my child is doing is because of his or her sex.  Again, when my child with SPD was having struggles with hyperactivity, many of my dear ones insisted it's "just a boy thing."  But I KNEW something else was going on, and thankfully I listened to my mommy-intuition.  With girls (I have three!), the assumption is that they are going to be emotional.  This stereotype pushes us to overlook an adoptee-girl who may be struggling with anxiety.

5:  "She looks just like you!"

This one always puzzles me.  (And yes, it's even been said to us, two white parents, of one or two of our four Black children!)  I think it's intended to be a compliment or an attempt to assure us that our child is seen as truly ours...but I'm honestly not really sure.  It's always really odd-uncomfortable-awkward to hear someone say this.  Granted, it is true that some of our kids copy our mannerisms, voice intonation, syntax, etc.   I believe sometimes this comment is a "defense" of the adoptive parents based on stereotypes regarding birth parents.

So, great.  We've heard these things, but what do we do about them?  How do we respond when a dear one says something like this to us...again?  

I believe that two things can truly change a person's thinking.  They are:

1:  Experience.

Having personal experience with something can be the catalyst for true change.  This means spending time observing and listening with an open heart and mind.  

The experience part happens naturally with your nearest and dearest if you're spending time with them.  I do realize that many families are spread out across the country (or even internationally) and don't always see each other frequently.  That's why point #2 is going to be really important for these folks!  

The key is that when experience happens, there needs to be an open heart and mind.  You may have to encourage your dear ones to be backseat observers vs. backseat drivers (advice-givers) in order to truly understand your child and your parenting.  

Additionally, you need to let your dear ones know that you are open to discussions-based on their observations and their education (#2).  Let them ask questions!  Remember, you were once a newbie too! 

2:  Education.  

There are so many fantastic resources available!  If your dear one is receptive to the experience portion, education comes next.  Send your loved on articles, even books, and videos.  Empowered to Connect is a fantastic resource; I particularly like their free videos (which are easy to pass on to others).  The two books I highly recommend you give your loved one are:  Adoption is a Family Affair and In On It.  Tailor the education to your particular child:  attachment, trauma, special needs, transracial adoption, open adoption, etc.  

And then...

As a result of experience and education, the person develops empathy.  And as a result of empathy, that person can offer you encouragement rather than advice.  

This isn't to say there will be sheer perfection.  But if a loved one is willing to make the effort to experience and get educated, he or she is well on the way to empathy and subsequently, encouragement. 

For more on empathy, experience, encouragement, and education, give me your e-mail addy, and I'll send you a free e-book on these very important areas of focus!   

Post Adoption Depression: I've Adopted a Baby, So Why Am I So Sad?

Post Adoption Depression.

It's one of the topics rarely discussed in the adoption community, yet it is more common than you might think.  

Why the silence?  The expectation that new parents and those congratulating new parents holds is this:  that the parents should be completely overjoyed to FINALLY be mom and dad that the typical issues that come with parenthood should be a non-issue for for those who adopt.

Sleepless nights?

#blessed

Baby who refuses to eat?  

 #sograteful

Fussy baby?  

#treasuredmoments

But the truth is, "adoptive" parents are really JUST parents.  With real parental struggles and challenges.  You need to be free to struggle.  (Did you hear that?)  Your baby isn't magical.  You aren't magical.  Parenting is messy.  It's exhausting.  It's hard. It's faith-shaking.  For ALL parents.  

However, there are additional pressures put upon those who adopt.  Pressure to be perfect, thankful, fulfilled parents who enjoy every moment (no matter what) with their beautiful baby.   

So here I am to drop some Post Adoption Depression truth bombs:  

You may not have had the pregnancy hormones and the strain of giving birth, but your struggles were/are no less legitimate and authentic.  Whatever they were and are.  

Post Adoption Depression can set in days, weeks, months, or even years (yes, years) after an adoption takes place.  

Post Adoption Depression can happen for a myriad of reasons, but one that is common is struggling to attach to the baby.  The struggle to attach may be fear (what if the baby ends up going home to his or her biological parents?  what if I'm not good enough to mother this child?), obligation (feeling the need to cling to the relationship formed to the biological parents over forming a bond with the baby), guilt (for becoming a parent to another person's child), sadness (for past losses), or change (adding a child to a family can create emotional, financial, spiritual, marital strain).  You might even be feeling guilty for feeling guilty!  

Pretending NOT to be depressed doesn't make the reality go away.  Post Adoption Depression is legit.   Acknowledge the pain, the struggle.  Call it out for what it is.  That's half the battle.  

If you have Post Adoption Depression, you need help.  You need support (think an adoption support group, an adoption-competent counselor, a spiritual leader, and of course, family and friends).  You need people to tell you your feelings are valid, but who offer you the encouragement to take steps forward.  

You need space:  space to feel the feelings.  It's OK to feel what you are feeling, to acknowledge that feeling, and to deal with that feeling.  In fact, that's healthy!  Because you are going to have that feeling whether you call it out for what it is or not:  so why not just keep it real?  

You need education.  What is it you need to learn more about in order to break free?  To emerge from the fog?   Who can provide those resources for you?  Learning more about a specific topic can empower you, melting away the ignorance (fear), the misconceptions.  Is it the struggles you face in an open adoption?  Special needs adoption? Transracial adoption?  Is it attachment?  Is it past trauma?  

You need action-steps.  What, based on your education, do you know that you need in order to move forward?  Perhaps it's attachment parenting techniques.  Perhaps it's more your time (self care).  Perhaps it's counseling.   Perhaps it's a combination of things.  Whatever is right for you, is right for you.

You need faith.  If you're a person of faith like I am, but you're in the rut of Post Adoption Depression, you've perhaps either turned away from God in this season or turned on God (blaming Him).  Either way, can I tell you I believe God is strong and mighty, and He's waiting for you with open arms despite your feelings toward Him in this moment?  

You need grace.  You will not move forward from any struggle in a matter of seconds.  There's no quick schemes here.  Time.  Space.  Good days and bad.  But the key is to see the issue for what it is, know that you aren't alone, and give yourself grace to stumble. 

You will get back up.  You will press on.  You will be the mommy your child needs.  Because that fire in you?  That's your mommy instinct, burning bright and fierce, and Post Adoption Depression will not have enough water to put it out.  

Maybe right now, your fire feels more like a fragile spark.  That's OK.  You've got something there.  It just needs to be fanned and fed.  Take the steps.  A better day is coming.  

Have you or someone you know faced Post Adoption Depression?  How did you emerge from the fog? 

18 Things to Know If You're Adopting in 2018

Can you believe it's 2018?   The holiday season was a whirlwind of food, family fun, gifts, traveling, decorating, and if we're honest, pure exhaustion.   And if adoption was on your radar before the holidays, your urgency to adopt is probably more intense after spending so much time with family (perhaps answering the question, "When are you going to have kids?"---yikes!).   To help you prepare for the journey ahead, here are 18 things you MUST know about if you're adopting this year: 

1:  Adoptive breastfeeding.

Yes, it's possible.  Yes, it's controversial.  Yes, I am a fan.  Read more about it from expert Alyssa Schnell, and read my experience here and here.   Know there are plenty of ways to form a secure attachment with a child you adopt, with nursing being one of them. 

2:  Employer financial help.

Some employers offer financial assistance to those who choose to adopt.  (Yes, it's true!)  Maybe you or your partner's companies are among those?   Be sure to talk to your HR rep.    Usually the company offers this reimbursement for expenses (you must submit documentation) after the adoption has been finalized.   The Dave Thomas Foundation offers the 2017 "best" adoption-friendly companies list here.

3:  Adoption leave.

Some employers offer adoption leave!  My husband had four weeks of paid leave off with our first and fourth children---and it was an awesome blessing.  Companies recognize that adopting a baby matters too.  Again, check with your HR rep, and check out the list.  

4:  Open adoption.

We have four open adoptions, and I've written extensively about our experiences as well as shared some great resources with you.  Here I answer your burning questions.  I want you to know that it's OK to be scared:  but it's not OK to make decisions out of ignorance.  Get educated!  Weigh the pros and cons, and then move forward in confidence. 

5:  Representation matters.

If you adopt transracially, be prepared to fill your home with books, toys, games, art, music, and films that offer diversity.   Your child wants to see himself or herself represented!  For example, here are my favorite children's picture books featuring Black girls.   Follow me on IG where I post my newest finds. 

6:  Legal stuff.

If you're going to choose adopt, hire a "quad A" attorney to help you get through the process.  Legal stuff is nothing to mess around with or short-cut when it comes to having an ethical adoption. 

7:  Mentorship.

If you adopt, I highly recommend finding a mentor for your child.  It isn't as difficult as you might think.

8:  Saying goodbye to adoption.

Have you already adopted or tired of waiting to adopt, yet you're considering whether or not to "close the book" on adopting ?   BEEN THERE. 

9:  Profile books.

There are so many fantastic services that help you create your profile book.  Some even review the profile book you created yourself.    Consider this as an option as you budget for your adoption journey. 


10:  Faith.

Faith shouldn't be put on the back burner when you choose to adopt.  The two can walk hand-in-hand.  Check out the adoption journey devotional I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher:  adoptee and mom-by-adoption.


11:  Compliment accepted.

There are many things we parents-by-adoption hate (such as, "Are your kids real siblings?"--which tends to come about mostly in families like mine which are built by transracial adoption), but there's one thing I personally love to hear.   What about you? 

12:  Positivity is OK. 

If you spend any time on the Internet, focusing on any topic, you're bound to leave with some hurt feelings, annoyance, or anger.  Adoption is controversial and the community can be combative, leaving you discouraged.   Please, please, please read this fabulous book, written by an adoptee, directed to those who want to adopt or have adopted.  I promise you'll be uplifted and educated! 

13:  Create a home library for your child.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to instill a healthy sense of "you belong here" and "adoption matters" to your child, even from their earliest days.  Here are nine books I recommend you add to your child's book collection.   I also recommend these fabulous books which showcase the love between a parent and child. 

14:  Searching is normal. 

If your child wants to learn more about himself or herself one day, DNA tests have opened up many doors!  An adoptee who wants to know more about where he/she came from and his/her ethnicity should be supported by their parents. Three of my four children have done a DNA test through Ancestry, and here I offer you my honest review of how the process (and results) went! 

15:  Don't neglect the grandparents!

It's completely natural for grandparents/future grandparents to need adoption education.  Here I break down for you how to help them understand your choice to adopt. 

16:  Prepare the children you have now for a new sibling-by-adoption. 

Too often, your now-children are neglected when you're in the trenches of adoption paperwork and preparation.   But that's a big mistake!   Here are some easy ways to prepare your kiddos for a new sibling. 

17:  Consider special needs adoption.

There is always a need for those who are able and willing to adopt children with special needs.  You can register with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, for example.   And be sure to stock your home library with these fabulous books on belonging and difference---great for not only your child with special needs, but their siblings too! 

18:  Never stop learning.

Too many times I see new parents stop their adoption education just because they finally have a baby in their home.  Let me be clear:  the learning should NEVER stop.   That doesn't mean you live in an all-things-adoption world.  It does mean that you understand that adoption is complex, bittersweet, and evolving, and you want to be the best parent to your child by always being open to new ideas, research, and resources. 

Cheers to 2018 and your journey ahead!  

Dear Sugar: What to do When Your Adoptee Struggles During the Holidays

Holidays should be a joyous occasion, full of family, friends, food, fun.  Gifts, decorations, music.  

But any parent of any child knows that holidays can be really disruptive and exhausting.   This is oftentimes more true for kids who are adoptees.  

Why? 

Well, it can be for a few reasons.  One:  special needs of any sort, such as Sensory Processing Disorder.  The extra sounds, lights, different foods, going from home to home:  all can be quite disruptive, leading to epic meltdowns.  It is my understanding that children who were adopted are more likely to have myriad of special needs, including SPD.   Two:  some adoptees struggle with holidays, including birthdays, because consciously or not, it can trigger some BIG feelings about adoption.  This can be true of a child adopted when he or she is older, or even a child adopted as an infant.  

What I have learned is that every single adoptee is different.  And as Madeleine Melcher, adoptee, shares with us in her book, it’s the parents’ job to listen to THEIR child and respond in the way their child needs.  

Do you have a child who struggles with the holiday season and celebrations?    If yes, here are some tips to proactively make your holiday season more merry.   

1:  Say no.

Do not say yes to even or most invitations.   Doing so is stressful and unnecessary.   Choose a few celebrations that mean the most to your family (and that best fit your family’s needs) and attend those.  Do not say yes to an invitation out of guilt.   What is best for your family is best for your family.   Period.  Here are some tips on saying no, in case you tend to be a people-pleaser or struggle with confrontation.

2:  Take it down a notch.

Food, decorations, music, gifts, etc. are all the “it” I’m referring to.   More things on the “to do” list mean more stress.   Prioritize.   What are your absolute favorites, and what can be put off a few years OR taken off the list indefinitely?   Bake ONE kind of cookie.   Decorate as long as it brings joy.   Buy gifts within reasonable limits.   You are probably well aware of what’s working for your family and what isn’t.  

3:  Focus.

By saying no (#1) and taking it down a notch (#2), you are teaching your kids that what matters most is the heart of the celebration and season, not the number of gifts or houses you visit or miles you put on your car.    What is the heart of the season for you and your family?  For us, it’s celebrating Christ’s birth, giving and receiving gifts, and spending time with family.  

4:  Have a plan.

No matter how well you plot to have a calmer, merrier holiday, the holiday season can still create issues.  Because of this, have a plan in place.  For my child with anxiety, we bought an oversized beanbag chair with a pocket for books; it is ONLY for her use and stays in her room.   When she gets overwhelmed, she can go into her cozy chair.   The old go-to was an attitude and sabotaging the party (and others’ good time).   Traveling?  We can still create a sanctuary space.  

 

How do you create  plan?  Meet with other experienced mamas that are parenting kiddos that have struggles similar to yours.   Meet with an adoption-educated therapist.   Seek assistance from qualified, experienced individuals. 

5:  Talk about what’s going on.

Take some quiet moments to get one-on-one with your kiddo and talk about the underlying issues.  Does he or she miss birth family?   Are the sensory inputs just too much?    What’s going on?  Talk about it, more than once (but not obsessively)  Keep those counseling or therapy appointments:  make them a top priority.  Schedule a mid-season counseling session if necessary.   Ignoring truths only attempts to bury them; they will resurface later. 

6:  Stick to your routine.

As much as possible, sticking to a routine and rules can help.   For example, there’s SO MUCH sugar at Christmas celebrations, so my contribution is often big bags of our favorite popcorn.  It’s crunchy, very slightly sweet, and kids LOVE it.   The fiber keeps them full, and they’re not filling on multiple sugar cookies covered in artificial dye.   We also travel with a bag of apples and bottled water, and we often take these artificial-dye-free suckers to share with all the cousins (and they are SO yummy).    Fruit and water are big staples in our house, so why not take them along?  The familiarity, plus the nutrition, helps keep our kids balanced. 

7:  Go with the flow.

Even with a plan in place, there’s going to be some things (like loads of sugary stuff) that you simply cannot get around.  So give in a little, just not to the point of dealing with the consequences for days and days afterward.   When you have a plan, you have something to fall back on, which is helpful.   

8:  Treat yo’self. 

You have a plan for everyone else, so why not yourself?   Buy that favorite expensive wine to enjoy in the evenings after the kids are in bed.   One thing I got myself last year was a cozy, one-person blanket (I DO NOT SHARE---no shame) that I love to throw over my body in the evenings while the hubs and I watch TV.   Whatever it is, remember that you matter, too!  And in fact, you know you can’t pour from an empty cup:  so take care of YOU so you can best take care of others. 

Let’s chat on Facebook.  What tips would you offer other moms?   What has worked (and not worked) for your family in the past?  

Dear Sugar: Adoptive Breastfeeding, An Interview With Expert Alyssa Schnell

Dear Sugar:

Adoptive breastfeeding is one of today's hottest adoption topics, both because of its mystery and controversy.  So today, in my continued commitment to National Adoption Month and providing you with a myriad of voices and resources, I'm introducing you to Alyssa Schnell, an adoptive breastfeeding expert. 

Alyssa is the author of Breastfeeding Without Birthing , co-creator of the podcast Breastfeeding Outside the Box, and is a mom of three breastfed children, two by birth and one by adoption.  She offers a wealth of information to those interested in learning more about breastfeeding the babies they didn't birth.  

On a personal note, Alyssa has been a tremendous support person to me over the past several years, especially as I navigated my own adoptive breastfeeding journey.  You can read more about my experience here and here.  I also discuss the option of adoptive breastfeeding in my newest book, The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  I also had the opportunity to appear alongside Alyssa in a Huff Post Live video on the subject of adoptive breastfeeding.  

Rachel:  Alyssa, why was it important for you to write Breastfeeding Without Birthing?  

Alyssa:  When I was expecting my daughter by adoption, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed her.  I scoured everywhere I could find – books, internet, journal articles - for comprehensive up-to-date information on how I could do this.  Nothing fit the bill.  The most helpful resource was actually a book written for mothers who had had breast reduction surgery.  I didn’t want other prospective adoptive or intended parents interested in breastfeeding to have the same experience, or to simply to give up on the idea because they could not obtain adequate information and support.  I wanted to be able to provide them and their health care providers with a single, up-to-date, comprehensive resource that adoptive and intended parents could use to help them successfully nurse their babies.  I think that Breastfeeding Without Birthing does that.

Rachel:  In a nutshell, if a hopeful mom (by adoption) wants to have a nursing relationship with the child, what are the options?  (Of course, they can learn more in your book and via your podcast.)  

Alyssa:  Many people assume that in order to have a nursing relationship between a parent and a child, the nursing parent must produce a full supply of milk.  While some adoptive parents do produce plenty of milk for their babies, most of the time adoptive nursing looks a little bit different.  The adoptive parent can nurse with an at-breast supplementer (a tiny feeding tube that leads to the nipple delivering supplemental milk or formula to the baby) if she is making some, a little, or no milk at all.  Another option may be to bottle-feed baby for nutrition and comfort nurse at the breast.  Comfort nursing does not require production of milk, although not all babies will be interested in this.

If a (prospective) adoptive parent wants to bring in milk for her baby(-to-be) – and as noted above this is optional – she can induce lactation (if she has never been pregnant before) or relactate (if she has been pregnant before).  This typically involves using a breast pump, nursing, and potentially taking medications and/or herbs.  It is not an easy process, but with the support of an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) educated in inducing lactation and relactation, it can be extremely rewarding.

Rachel:  I have noticed an increasing interest in hopeful mom's wanting to learn more about adoptive breastfeeding, yet I've also noted some backlash from the adoption community who say adoptive nursing is unnatural and offensive.  As someone who is obviously a breastfeeding advocate (and a mom of an adoptee), what do you think of the criticism and how have you responded to it, if at all? 

Alyssa:  Breastfeeding in general is a very personal choice that parents need to make based on accurate information and their own circumstances, needs, and values.  And that choice is especially tricky in special circumstances such as adoption.  There is research in peer-reviewed professional journals supporting the emotional benefits to the baby of breastfeeding in adoption.  There is also research in peer-reviewed professional journals showing that the composition of the milk from a parent who has induced lactation or relactated is comparable to that of a birthing parent.  That is the information piece.  Then parents need to look deep into their hearts to decide if breastfeeding feels right for them.  For those parents for whom the answer is “Yes!” we are there for them.

After much thoughtful deliberation and consideration, we have decided not to allow voices of hostility or opposition on our webpage.  The purpose of our social media platforms is not to debate whether certain people should or should not breastfeed their babies, but to provide information, encouragement and support in a safe environment to those who wish to breastfeed and to the professionals who support them.

Rachel:  You co-host a podcast called Breastfeeding Outside the Box.  What can listeners expect from listening in?  

Alyssa:  Our podcast is for both parents and professionals wanting to learn more about breastfeeding in “outside the box” situations like adoption.  We interview parents who have breastfed outside the box, including many adoptive parents.  They share their stories which are always really inspiring!  We also interview health care professionals with specific expertise that may be helpful to parents breastfeeding in less common circumstances.  Professionals discuss specific tools and techniques that can be used to support successful breastfeeding in challenging situations. 

Rachel:  What do you think the future of adoptive nursing looks like?  Do you think more and more parents-by-adoption will choose to nurse?  

Alyssa:  Right now, when I tell people that I nursed by baby my adoption they almost invariably say, “You can do that?!” I think that will change and is changing.  More and more people are aware that adoptive nursing is an option.  And I certainly hope that as a result of the work we are doing, more and more families will feel successful in their experiences with adoptive nursing.