Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?  

Dear Sugar: Meet Katie Naftzger, International, Transracial Adoptee and Adoption Therapist, on Parenting Adopted Teenagers

Dear Sugar,

Today I'm so thrilled to share with you my interview with Katie Naftzger!  She is an adoptee (international and transracial) and an adoption therapist.  She's the author of Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years, and let me tell you, every single parent-by-adoption should read this book. Even if you aren't parenting a teen, I encourage you to read the book because being proactive is so important!

Katie:  I'm a Korean-born, transracially, internationally adopted therapist. I have a younger sister who is also a Korean-adoptee but not biologically related. I grew up in urban Chicago, where issues of race, class and safety, were ever-present and interwoven into our lives. It was before most adoptive parents sought out therapy, unless they were in undeniable crisis. There were no online forums or groups. Perhaps because of this, I learned so much from my face-to-face, real time moments and relationships. My public high school was over 80% Black. I was truly a minority in a different way than I am now. Those were learning years for me. 

Being Asian in high school brought with it a specific set of issues - many Asians had recently immigrated, high-achieving but extremely low-income. I felt my privilege as someone who didn’t have to work to be here, but I also felt lost compared to them. They seemed to know who they were and where they were going in ways that I didn't. I tried to include extracurricular activities that didn't put race in the forefront, like playing flute. I played in this prestigious competition where the judges were behind a screen. For that moment, I was faceless and raceless which felt strangely liberating. 

I admired my adoptive parent's passion in continually taking steps to try to level the playing field, in their work with marginalized populations. But, they underestimated what my sister and I needed. This is the book that my parents didn’t have. 

As a psychotherapist I work primarily with adopted teens, young adults and families. I help adoptive families to feel more empowered, connected and more optimistic about the future. I’ve had the privilege of meeting with hundreds of adoptees who share feelings and experiences that they’ve never explored with someone else! And, in those conversations, I’m continually asking myself three questions: 

What are they trying to tell me?

What do they need from me?

How can I address those needs? 

One thing that I’ve learned in depth over the years is just how important their adoptive parents are to them. What they need from you is laid out in the four tasks outlined in the book - “unrescuing,” setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future.

Rachel:  You authored a new book about adoption and the teen years.   Why do parents of adoptees NEED to read this book?  

Katie:  What I was seeing was that many adoptive parents were parenting that they did when their teen was younger. And, unfortunately, what had worked in the past wasn’t working anymore. And, sometimes it even backfired. Their relationship suffered and the teen often felt unprepared for young adulthood. The goals change a lot in the teen years. When they were younger it was about reassurance, security and comfort. In the teen years, helping them to feel more empowered, competent and authentic is key. This book is not just about why that’s important, but offers adoptive parents ways to apply those insights. 

This is book is unique in that it is geared for every adoptive parent, whether you’re coasting or in crisis. It is not pathologizing or minimizing. Our reaction and lived experience as adoptees is not predetermined. That said, there are inherent losses in the narrative which are important to understand, which for many adoptees, remain unspoken, especially with those who aren’t adoptees.

The stakes are so high. The more grounded, informed and empowered you feel, the more access you’ll have to the changing needs of your adopted teen. Even seemingly small changes make all of the difference in the long run.

Rachel:  You are an experienced therapist, working with adoptees.   What do parents, generally speaking, need to understand about their teenagers that you've noticed parents seem to be missing right now?  

Katie:  One of the most important reframes to integrate, is that the adoption story is not just about abandonment or relinquishment, or loss, although there is loss embedded in it, of course. It’s a survival story. 

The adoptee survived something that others in similar situations, did not. Many adoptees talk with me about how lucky they were just to have survived. To have one’s life hinge on luck is unsettling! So, without even realizing it, many adoptees will develop survival skills that will allow them to make their own luck, so to speak. This could mean excelling in school, fitting in racially/culturally/socially, etc. It could mean a highly tuned radar for what others feel about them. There’s often a vigilance, often undetectable and unconscious. 

Rachel:  One thing I've struggled with, and so have many parents by adoption, is when our children struggle, we cannot decide if the struggle is related to adoption or not.  Can you offer any advice on how parents like me can answer that question?  And if the struggle IS adoption-related, what's the next step the parent should take? 

Katie:  Let’s start with the difference between younger adoptees and adopted teens. Teenhood brings a different lens to their relationship, whether unknown or known, with their birth parent. When adoptees are younger, they have questions, possibly hurt feelings, etc. But in teenhood, adoptees can actually identify with the birth mother. Because they’re now sexually equipped, they can put themselves in the position of their birth mother. Teens are often become able to think more abstractly so they often become interested in the feelings, details, the injustices and morals. This often includes variations on the question, how could you do this to me? 

Non-adopted teens have a birth story, but for adoptees, it’s a survival story. For adoptees, the worst has already happened. Of course, teenhood is generally fraught with risk and potential! But, adoptees are often more in survival mode than the garden-variety teen. When adoptees who come in to see me, early on, they’ll often say something like, “I can pick up on other people’s feelings. I’m extremely attuned.” But, through their tone, I know by their serious tone that it’s not just a casual trait. It’s a strategy. 

What I argue in the book is that there is a parallel process between you as adoptive parent and the adopted teen. Just as you are in some ways, a garden-variety parent, you are also an adoptive parent, and are faced with reconciling that! And, although each parent is unique, the four tasks I lay out encompass the vulnerabilities that I’ve seen in adopted teens and adoptive parents. For example, unrescuing is the first task. I believe that adopted teens often believe that they need to be rescued, and that adoptive parents are more vulnerable to rescuing. Why? The rescuing is part of the narrative. 

In terms of next steps for adoptive parents, there are four of them - unrescuing, setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future, in that order! Each task also contains simple, practical accessible adjustments that adoptive parents can make to meet the needs of their adopted teen. 

Rachel:  Besides your book (which I'm reading right now and underlining passage after passage), what other resources do you recommend parents-by-adoption read to better understand their children?  

Katie:  The podcast Journey of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is helpful if you’re interested in the research, not just about adoption, but a range of mental health issues. Add Water and Stir: Women of Color/Adoption/Foster Care/Parenting is fantastic. The Rambler includes interviews of many Korean-adult adoptees, myself included. The host, Mike McDonald is also a Korean-adoptee. AdopteesOn is hosted by a Canadian adoptee and focuses on open adoption and reunion stories. Might need Kleenex for that one! She interviews adoptees who are also therapists, which I participated in. Creating a Family is hosted by Dawn Davenport, adoptive parent, author, whom I just love. I enjoyed talking with her about the book! And, Renegade Rules is actually a podcast for parents of younger children, but we had a fascinating conversations about teens and adoption.