9 Children's Picture Books For Young Kids With Big Feelings

I'm parenting a child with big feelings. BIG happy, BIG mad, BIG disappointed, BIG enthusiastic, BIG empathy, BIG resistance. Every feeling is big. There is both beauty and pain in this. Getting a child with big feelings to cooperate isn't easy.

We've had a lot of trial and error. I admit, I've had some total breakdowns in my minivan--feeling unequipped to deal with a particular situation. I don't want to fail my kid--knowing I need to be the adult they desperately need.

I have several tools I've used that have helped. First, we created our Angry Bowl. It's worked very well!

Second, we have a home sensory gym. It's important for kids with sensory issues to have a balance of calmer activities and gross motor activities. Both of which need to include plenty of sensory-friendly opportunities.

Third, I've worked to educate myself. Reading Sensational Kids, The Whole Brain Child, and The Connected Child has been helpful for me to understand why old school parenting just doesn't make sense for adoptees and children with special needs. (Arguably--it doesn't make sense for any child). 

Reading can be a calming activity for a child with special needs. I encourage you to read quietly, but also make it fun! Use different voices, read in various locations (whatever works for the kiddo), and make sure you have books in a variety of locations throughout your home so they are easily accessible.

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I’m parenting a big feelings kid. Big joy. Big empathy. Big sad. BIG. Every day I am learning to evolve so that the BIG is lovingly guided. ⛄️ anyone else have a BIG feelings kiddo? Drop your tips and thoughts here 👇🏼👇🏾👇🏿 . . . #bigfeelings #son #blackboys #blackboyjoy #multiracialfamily #wearefamily #connectiveparenting #parentingwithconnection #whitesugarbrownsugar #mondaymotivation

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Not only is reading important, but what you read is just as essential. Kids with big feelings need affirmation and techniques to help them navigate what's going on in their hearts and brains. Thankfully, there are many great picture book options that have helped my kiddo--and I'm sure will help yours, too!

What I love about these books is that they don't shame the child for having big feelings. Instead, they honestly and openly discuss them, but also encourage the child to take charge and to own their choices--showing them how empowering big feelings can be!

Click on the book cover to read reviews, a full description, get a sneak peek inside, and purchase:

5 Things Hopeful and New Adoptive Parents Need to Know Right Now

I was once there. 

Brand spanking new to adoption.  Completely consumed by new-mommyhood.   Diapers.  Bottles.  Nighttime feedings.  Pacifiers.  Medical appointments. 

I had big ideas and no experience. 

And here we are, twelve years and four kids later.  A lot of time.  A lot of experience. 

I spend a good part of my day, every day, talking to families-by-adoption and fostering.  In messages, in comments on posts, and via e-mail. I've read a lot and heard a lot, and "a lot" makes me cringe. 

Now, I'm not about to slap the blame on newbie parents.  Let me be very clear about that.  There are two struggles newbie parents face:

1-lack of experience.

2-lack of education.

The lack of education part falls largely on the parents' adoption professional.  This person or entity SHOULD prepare the family as much as possible. 

But when I look back on our own experience, we were ONLY prepared (as we could be) because we took the initiative to throw ourselves into the adoption community (via reading, meeting with people, etc.) for the fourteen months we waited for our first child.  And we have yet to let that education journey cease.  We are ALWAYS learning and changing. 

Our agency didn't prepare us.  They didn't. 

Perhaps, if you're a newbie, you're in the same boat we were? 

So here we are, in this place of experience and education, and I want you to know that the following are things I hear often from newbie parents.  And they aren't OK. 

1:  "I don't care what color my baby is."

But you should.  You should.

Your baby's color (their race) is who your child is.  It cannot be changed, erased, minimized, or ignored.   Doing so is detrimental to the child's well-being. 

You need to care and care A LOT about your child's race.  You need to prepare, learn, change, grow.  You need to NEVER stop learning and changing.   EVER. 

Because, just in case you're confused or uncertain, America and race have a nasty, complicated history that isn't going anywhere. 

It's time to get woke and stay woke about race in America.  There's some great books you can read, for starters. 

2:  "DNA doesn't matter, because love is what makes a family."

DNA was your child's start.  DNA is your child's forever imprint.  DNA absolutely matters.

I'm raising four adoptees, all of whom have some level of contact/communication with their biological families.  Some relationships are much closer than others, and in these relationships, especially during visits, there is a CLEAR connection between the biological family and the adoptee.  It's in the ways they speak, look, gesture.  It's in preferences and personalities.   It's in the way a laugh sounds.  It's in EVERYTHING.   And it matters.

Of course, of course love can make a family.   I say ALL the time that "love made my family."  But there's not a competition between adoption and biology.  It's unnecessary.  They can co-exist.  They should co-exist for the well-being of the adoptee. 

There are other phrases I don't use, too.  The ones I don't use and why is shared here.

3:  "I chose to adopt a newborn, because I didn't want to adopt a child who might have issues."

Let me cut-to-the-chase here:  children adopted at birth can have "issues." Medical issues, mental health issues, adoption struggles. 

Arguably, adoption is trauma. Some adoptees swear that yes, all adoption is trauma for the adoptee.  Some argue it's not.  Some argue that "some" adoptions are trauma.

I'm not here to tell you which is right.   But I am here to tell you, you are not adopting a "blank slate" just because your child came to you at a certain young age. Your child was with his or her biological mother, in utero, for a significant and critical time period.   This cannot be dismissed, ignored, or minimized.  Furthermore, adoption is a severing.   Either or both of these things can be traumatic. 

I highly recommend you read and consider the book so many of us in the adoption community swear by and lean on:  The Connected Child.   There are loads of free videos on their website, too, which can be helpful after you read the book. 

I also want you to know that you shouldn't "borrow trouble."  Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, explores this in her book (which is written directly to those who adopt).   Please, please read the book.   It's incredibly encouraging and insightful.   Basically, Madeleine doesn't want us to force our kids to have issues ("borrow trouble") because of our own hang-ups and adoption education (sometimes from unreliable sources); but she also wants us to be open to our children's individual needs. 

4:  "Her bio mom and I are best friends.  I mean really, we are like sisters!"

I always hold my breath when I hear something along these lines.

First, I readily admit, each open adoption is unique.  And nothing irks me more than when outsiders dissect or judge the decisions of an adoptive parent, birth parent, and adoptee.  However, it's really important that good, long-lasting relationships take place organically AND intentionally. 

And ultimately, the relationship between a birth and adoptive parent shouldn't be selfishly motivated (what makes each of them feel good) but what is best for the adoptee.

Always, always, always, what is best for the adoptee is the most important thing. 

Open adoption is complicated.  It just is.  Any relationship based upon a major decision (like placing a child for adoption) is going to be complicated. 

The relationship between the biological and adoptive parent needs to be honest, flexible, organic, sacred, respectful.   It needs to be safe.   And all of these things take constant work. 

5:  "I don't know when the best time is to talk to my child about adoption, so I just haven't yet." 

Let me be perfect clear:  the best time to talk to your child about adoption is from day #1. 

There is no "perfect moment" for the "big reveal." 

There is no single and perfect moment.  Talking about adoption is a life-long conversation.  And adoption is far from perfect. 

There is no big reveal. Adoption, again, is a life-long conversation.  Not a one-and-done. 

I understand that many are uncertain HOW to talk to their kids.  That's OK.   But just because you aren't sure you have the perfect words or timing doesn't give you permission to avoid the conversations. 

Talk to other parents-by-adoption.  Talk to your adoption professional.  Talk to adoptees.   Get educated.  Get ready.   

6 Simple Ways To Connect With Your Tween Daughter

And just like that, I had a tween daughter.

And just like that, I had to up my connection game. 

Understand, a tween has a lot going on.  She is caught between the child years and the teen years.  She might be mature one minute and temperamental the next.  Puberty is in full-force.  Tween years are confusing and exciting.  And you may find yourself wondering how in the world you will navigate the ups and downs while staying connected to your child.  

(If you, like me, are parenting adoptees, you know why connection is super important!)

1:  Get creative.

We use this journal to connect with one another.  We also do something called "create art for the other."  We basically created a piece of artwork for the other person and then had a "big reveal."  You could do other things:  create a playlist for each other, for example.   If you're less likely to "invent" creativity, try coloring side-by-side.  I highly recommend this hair coloring book for Black girls or one of these affirming, encouraging coloring books (one is faith based, one is not).  If your daughter is more active, go on a nature hike together, play basketball, etc. 

2:  Take her on a date.

This need not be expensive or all that creative.  A date might mean browsing the bookstore or library together, grabbing tea or ice cream, or painting pottery.   Anything that doesn't involve a screen is great!   The point is to talk and have fun.  

3:  Play what she likes.

My tween is really big into a few specific toys right now.  Sometimes I'll plop on the floor of her room and say, show me your favorites right now!  I can instantly see the light in her eyes.   It gives her the opportunity to be an expert/leader on a subject and for me to be the listener/learner.   Another option is to have your tween teach you something.  For example, my daughter is in ballet and loves showing me moves!

4:  Read to her.  

Reading a book aloud is a great way to get into your tween's world.  What is reading?  What interests her?  What will happen next?   A chapter book is great, and I think bedtime, when all is cozy and more quiet, is a great time to read together.  Because my tween is doing some therapies right now involving her vision, we use the evening time for my hubby to read to her, this devotional and this Black girl chapter book, while my daughter wears her special glasses and listens.  

5:  When she wants to talk, you listen.

I know this sounds SO simple, but it's really challenging.  The reason it's important to stop and listen is because tweens are dealing with big (and swinging) moods and emotions.   So to say "just a minute" or "let's talk about that later" may mean missing the conversation completely.   If the conversation is too big/involved for the moment, it's OK to acknowledge the importance of what's being shared and agree to a time when you'll devote your full attention to brain-storming and problem-solving.  Just make sure you address it that day.   And please, please check out the glitter jar analogy.  It's a game-changer!  

6:  Surprises.

One thing that can bring a tween joy are surprises.  Take her lunch at school or put a note in her lunchbox.  Buy her something just-because.  Take her on a date (#2).  Leave something lovely on her bed to discover when she gets home from school.  Tape a note to the bathroom mirror.  Surprises, like dates, do not need to be expensive or big.  A simple surprise can convey how much you love your child and believe in her.  This new book, specifically for teen adoptees, is a creative diary of sorts.

5 Things Your Adoption Agency Probably Didn't Tell You

Our adoption education wasn't great.  I'll be honest.

I thought the agency we had chosen would enlighten us.  Prepare us.  Give us Adoption 101.

But I was wrong.  

ALL of our education initially came from our determination to self-educate.  We met with families who had adopted, we read books, and we talked (a lot) about adoption.  Then came the experience of being parents.  As the years went on, more and more resources became available to us (thankfully!).

Unfortunately, to this day, when I share information about adoption, too many current and hopeful adoptive mamas are shocked at what I share.  And I wonder, why didn't their agency tell them this???

So today, I want to share with you five things I've learned that adoption agencies aren't regularly sharing:

1:  Open adoption is really freaking complicated.

Open adoption is often advertised by adoption professionals as a win-win-win (for the adoptive parents, adoptee, and birth family).  Everyone knows how the other is doing, there's ongoing communication, and the mystery of adoption is nearly eradicated.  It's perfect, right? 

Or maybe, you're feeling totally opposite.  You are terrified of open adoption because of what your agency HAS told you.  It sounds good, maybe even too good to be true, and you're not having it.

Well, open adoption, like everything in adoption, is complex.  There's nothing easy about it.   Yes, it can be beneficial,

2:  Cute babies of color become threatening in the eyes of society as they get older.

Adoption agency websites and brochures feature a diverse "cast" of babies, but the melanin-rich baby that society "oohs" and "ahhs" over today, is the preteen, teen, or young adult subject to America's racism tomorrow.  Even kids as young as toddlers can experience racism, such as the time my two-year-old son was called a "cute little thug" but an acquaintance. 

You need to be prepared to parent kids of color for the long-haul, which means a commitment to for a lifetime.

3:  Some adoptees will experience and express trauma.

Even babies adopted at birth can experience trauma, including if a birth mother had a challenging pregnancy from stress, substance usage, health struggles, etc.   Some adoptees state that the separation they experienced from their biological families (yes, even at birth) has caused them to feel broken, hurt, angry, and confused for much of their lives (or, it's surfaced in certain seasons, such as when they had a child themselves).   You can read some posts by adoptee Michelle Madrid-Branch here and here.

This is why many of us in the adoption community are pro adoption-education and pro attachment-parenting.  These two things, we believe, are vital to our children's well-being.  I highly recommend that parents read this book on attachment and trauma in the adoptee.  Because the more you know, the more you are able to help your child!  I also recommend this book written by an adoptee directly to those of us who adopt children.

4:  You must tell your child early and often that he or she was adopted.

I see posts regularly where a mom-by-adoption asks, "When should I tell my child that he's adopted?"

DAY ONE. 

Adoption should be a continual conversation in your home, not a one time talk or a big reveal.

Pray for your children's birth families nightly (and aloud), have photos of them in books or in frames, and have books about adoption for your child.  As the child gets older, you can consider an adoption support group for adoptees and an adoption-competent therapist. 

5:  You might experience post-adoption depression.

Many adoptive parents focus on the struggles a birth parent has after placing a child for adoption:  and rightfully so.   But what agencies don't always tell parents is that if you adopt, you can experience post-adoption struggles, including adoption. 

There's only one book on the subject, and I'll be honest, it's quite text-bookish.  This is why I wrote this relateable, conversational post on post-adoption depression.  I was floored by the number of comments and messages I receive from people sharing their stories of post-adoption depression. 

If you are hoping to embark on an adoption journey, get started with this guide.

5 Successful Parenting Phrases I Use Over and Over Again

I grew up in the days of discipline that involved standing in a corner, a spanking, and/or grounding.  When I was a teen and college student (often working as a babysitter or nanny), parenting evolved to include "time outs," clip charts, and not telling children "no" for fear of ruining their self-esteem.  

Today there are many different types of parenting, often a mix of whatever the parent is feeling on any given day and what they've been raised to believe is best.  But I'm here to tell you, consistency and science-based parenting works! 

The number one book I recommend won't come as a shock to many of you.  If you've been in the adoption or foster care community for any amount of time, you've heard of The Connected Child (and check out the free videos on Empowered to Connect).   When a hopeful or new parent asks me what they need to know, I tell them, read The Connected Child first.  Learn what trauma is and how it changes the brain.  Grow to understand that connective parenting is SO important. 

The main idea of The Connected Child is that we, as parents, first and foremost connect with our kids, and THEN we correct them.  It's a parenting approach that helps kids who have experienced trauma (which arguably CAN extend to children adopted at birth) grow up to be adults who know how to connect with others in a healthy way and succeed in life.

Given our connective-driven approach to parenting, you won't be surprised (though maybe inspired?) by these five successful parenting phrases we use on repeat.

1:  "Try again with respect." 

I say this dozens of times per day.  Granted, I have four kids, so yes, lots of attempts at disrespect.    

This phrase comes directly from Empowered to Connect.  Karyn Purvis encourages us to prompt our children to correct their original attempt by re-stating, in a respectful way, what they need to say or ask us.

The more we have used this phrase with our kids, the more they know EXACTLY what to do next.  Here's an example:

Child:  I'm hungry!  Get me a snack, mom!

Me (acknowledging the child's blood sugar is low after a four-hour gap between lunch and arriving home from school):  That's not how we speak.  Try again with respect.  

Child:  May I have a snack, please?

Me:  Good words!  Absolutely!  What can I get for you?  We have yogurt, or I can get you some trail mix.  

Note that I used a few Purvis/ETC phrases here (I bolded them for you.)  I also offered two choices for my children, so I don't overwhelm them with choices, I give them the power of choosing, and I don't create a situation where they ask for options that I either don't have or don't allow (as a healthy snack).

Why use this phrase?  It trains kids to ask the RIGHT way for what they want or need.

2:  "I'm feeling ____."

When my child is struggling, I offer a prompt.  I say, "I'm feeling..." and the child fills in the blank.  (Sad/mad/angry/hurt.)  Then I say, "Ok.  Why are you feeling sad?"  The child can articulate the events leading to the feeling.  Then we work together to solve the problem and meet the child's need. 

There is NO reason to tell a child how he or she should feel or try to dismiss those feelings.  Rather, addressing them head-on and as a team works!  Plus, we don't want to raise children who are constantly working to repress their feelings OR allow them to build and build until they explosively manifest in unhealthy, inappropriate actions.

Note: a child might be in a place where he or she is too dysregulated to articulate their feelings.  If this is the case, utilize a calm-down space, or lead by saying something like, "I can see you are upset right now.  Let's take some deep breaths together and then talk about how I can help you."  Remember, with ETC, you don't isolate your child or rep reprimand them for having feelings.  You work through the struggle WITH your child. 

3:  "R-E-S-P-E-C-T." 

Sometimes I get really sick of saying, "Try again with respect." (Point #1).  My kids LOVE the fact that they know how to spell respect (thanks to Aretha), so a simple spelling of the word is a great reminder for them to "straighten up."  Plus, spelling a word can be fun and silly, and thus, attention grabbing. 

There's been many times I'll say to my kids, "Come on!  You know!  R-E-S..." and they say, "P-E-C-T." 

4:  "I'm sorry for _____."

There's a lot of apologizing around here!  A lot. 

When I usher my kids into an apology session, we first discuss what happened so I can get to the bottom of the situation.  I give each child a chance to tell his or her side of the story.  I always ask, "Tell me what YOU did wrong, not what your sibling did wrong."  This prompts the children to take ownership of their own actions.  

Then the offender says to the other child, "I'm sorry for ____." (The blank is for the offense.)  They must be making eye contact with each other, and they must use an appropriate tone and volume of voice.  If not, I go back to, "Try again with respect."  After an apology is offered, the receiver says, "I forgive."  Then we move on.

I find that many parents see something happen between kids and force the offending child to "say sorry."  It's superficial and ineffective.  

Take the time to work through the situation.   And keep in mind, not every situation means you have a big come-to-Jesus conversation.  But some situations are certainly important enough to focus on.

5:  "Get it together." 

I know this sounds dismissive, but truly, it's a simple reminder that shenanigans won't be tolerated and instead, will be called out, but in a way that's direct and a bit silly.  Sometimes playful love is exactly what a child needs:  a reminder to be brave, be strong, and act appropriately.   This is NOT a phrase to use when a child is dysregulated for any reason (sensory, fatigue, low blood sugar, etc.).  Rather, this is something I use when a child is on-the-edge of making a series of poor choices, and I don't feel it's serious enough to share #1 ("try again with respect").  

Also, don't get caught up in "correction" so much that you never have fun with your kids.  Affirming your children, spending time with them, cheering them on at their concerts and games, oohing and ahhing over their impressive test score or art project, etc. are all important.  

Remember, you're working to CONNECT and then CORRECT (when needed).

What to do When Your Adoptee Is Struggling With Adoption

It happened unexpectedly.  

One of my kids was focused on a worksheet in class when one of her peers seated next to her pointed to our family picture on the family poster on the wall nearby.  

"Is that your mom?" he asked.

She nodded yes.

He replied, "But she's white."  

My daughter didn't reply.

He continued, "That's weird."

The teacher had overheard the boy and immediately stepped in, telling him he was being rude and told him he owed my child an apology.  

(Read the end of this post to see what we did about this situation)

Sometimes our kids can be minding their own business, and adoption is thrown in their faces, uninvited.  

But that's how adoption goes often, right?  

The adoption conversations, thoughts, questions, and emotions can crop up anytime, anywhere.  They might be external or internal.  They can be positive, negative, or they may just be what they are.  

Sometimes they manifest into your child dramatically concluding they will run away and live with their birth parents.  Sometimes the manifestation is sadness, anger, frustration, or confusion.  Sometimes it's an adoptee fantasy of what their birth family's life is like, or they fill in the gaps of their own adoption story.  Sometimes these feelings and thoughts are fleeting, while other times, they sit and stay awhile.  

And the holidays, birthdays, school breaks, and traumaversaries can be triggering for adoptees.  You might see your child struggling more this time of year (Thanksgiving and Christmas).  

What about the hard seasons?  What is a parent to do?

1:  Review what you know. 

Pull out your copy of The Connected Child, meet up with your adoption support group, talk to your social worker, meet with that wise adoptive-mama friend, adoptee, or birth parent.  Look to the trusted people (your village) and resources you already have in place and are familiar with.   

When something challenging crops up, we often go into anxiety-mode.  When this happens, we are unable to think clearly and often forget what we already know.   This is why the very first thing you should do is pause and ask yourself, "What do I know to be true?  What do I know to be helpful?"  

If you're a person of faith, a great first-step is also to PAUSE and to PRAY.   I've had many help-me-Jesus moments with my kids when they've asked me HARD questions, and I started to internally panic.  When I said a quick prayer for wisdom, I was always granted something helpful.  

2:  Work to figure out what you do not know.

As your child gets older, new (and often surprising) struggles may crop up, leaving you wondering, "Why didn't I learn about this in our adoption training?" and "What do I do now?"   

Again, you are not helpless.  First, you have the foundation of what you already know.   Second, you have the ability to decide to seek additional resources and take action.   

You have to decide, do I channel my time and energy into worrying, or do I use my time and energy to work toward helping my child?  

3:  Find a counselor or other professional.  

Finding an adoption-competent counselor for your family can be one of the best moves you make.   This person serves as support, a sounding board, and a wise encourager.  He or she can point you to resources (books, conferences, other professionals, etc.) that can assist you in parenting your child.  

Some counselors will work with the entire family, while some specialize in just working with adults, teens, or children.  

Note:  I encourage families to do this even if their children are having no obvious issues related to adoption.  Why?  Because being proactive matters.  Don't wait until you're in crisis-mode to seek help.   

4:  Don't beat yourself up and take your child's struggles personally.

Adoptees struggling with adoption happens.

Re-read that for me, will you?

So, knowing this, your job, as your child's parent, isn't to get into an unhealthy cycle of self-blame or defensiveness.  

Your job IS to problem solve and work through feelings with your child.   

This isn't to say you aren't allowed to have your own feelings.  Many of us are "mama bears" and have BIG feelings when our kiddos are struggling.  This can be a powerful motivator to help our children, but it can also cause us to be really hard on ourselves.  If you find that your child's feelings are triggering feelings in you, figure out what you can do to help yourself.  Is it seeing a counselor?  Meeting with friends from the adoption triad?  Reading a book?  

---

I talked to my daughter about how she felt about what the child said to her.  Then I asked her how she would respond if something like that happened again.  She came up with 2-3 responses.   I told her she could be funny, serious, snarky, whatever!  It's HER adoption and HER personality, so it's HER choice how she responds.  Then we did a few practice conversations in which I played another kid talking to her about her adoption and her family.   I got these ideas from this workbook for adoptees.  

How have you helped your child work through an adoption struggle?

5 Simple Hacks That Can Help a Child with Seeking Sensory Processing Disorder

I've written about our struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder, which seems to be more and more common among children, and even more common among adoptees.   

We've learned a thing or two (or a hundred) about some of the tools and techniques that you can use to help your kiddo who has SPD.  Here are my favorite five SIMPLE hacks:

1:  Gum.

Chewing gum is great for a seeker.  (It can also help those with anxiety.)  It satisfies some of the need to seek without being cumbersome or big.  I have found that the sensory chewie necklaces are great at meeting oral sensory needs, but I struggle with one, their cost, and two, the fact that they're so germy!  A kid's necklace touches surfaces, hands, etc. and then goes into our child's mouth.   Gum is inexpensive, it's easy to carry, and I've heard from some other moms that gum is even in their child's IEP!   My recommendation is to be selective in which brand you buy.  We avoid artificial food dyes (as they tend to cause mood changes in kids).  There's the debate of which-is-better:  artificial sweetened gum or real-sugar gum.  We choose to stick with this brand of gum.  We do require that gum stays IN the mouth.  If it's becoming a toy/distraction, it's gone.  Luckily, my kiddo doesn't know how to blow bubbles.  

2: Backpack with weights.  

We carry a small-ish backpack with us everywhere we go and use it as-needed.  The trick?  We put ankle weights at the bottom of the backpack!  These serve a dual-purpose.  First, they weigh-down the backpack, providing sensory input.  Two, they can also be taken out and worn to provide sensory input.  Voila!  Just make sure the weights aren't too heavy for your little one and the backpack has good strap-support, as well as straps correctly adjusted to fit the child.  My son uses this backpack, and we got ankle weights at Five Below (for yes, $5).   

Other items in the backpack can be gum (point #1), small sensory toys, or just favorite toys in general.  One day I realized that my kiddo with SPD already had the perfect fidget toy:  a small Transformer! (I stress the "small" part as smaller toys and pieces help with fine motor skills/strength).  So don't feel that you must spend a lot of money on designated sensory toys.  You can often find "sensory toys" in the dollar spot bins at Target, for example, or other items at your local dollar store.  

3: "Let me see those eyes."

Ok, you might be a little lost on this one.  Let me explain.  When an environment is too sensory-stimulating, you may notice your child's eyes darting about.  It's hard to focus with all the stimuli!  The voices, the lights, the temperature, etc.  We have a saying:  "Let me see your pretty brown eyes."  It might take a few reminders, but it works.  I get down on the child's level, I rest a hand somewhere on the child's body, and I ask for their eyes.   This isn't a new trick!  My mom required us to look in her eyes when we were kids.  It's a way of connecting BEFORE correcting/communicating (thank you Dr. Purvis!).   

4:  In-place exercise.

We cannot always stick to a routine.  For example, in the summer, I established a routine for my children that alternated gross motor time with other activities.  I worked hard to incorporate heavy lifting/pushing work for my child with SPD into almost all our routine.   

But there are times you just cannot.  So we established a few in-place exercises:  wall push-ups, squats, jumping in place, and "punching" (where I assign them to "punch the sky, punch the floor, etc.") where they air-punch the direction I give them.   My kids LOVE to take turns being the exercise leader.   You can do this in almost any space.  

We also like to do yoga.  I'll burst out, "Yoga!" when things are getting out-of-hand:  and they'll assume a quiet/calm yoga pose with their eyes closed and hands in front of them at heart-center.  Yes, this can get a little silly at times, but it does help!  (You can also put on a free Cosmic Kids Yoga video:  I swear they are magical!)

5:  "I'm feeling ______."

This is a simple tool I use with all my kids, SPD or not.  When they're upset or struggling, I say, "I'm feeling..." and they know to fill in the blank.  For example, they might say, "I'm feeling sad."  Then I say, "Why are you feeling sad?"  We walk through the feelings.  Now with a child with SPD, they're likely over-stimulated, under-stimulated, or simply overwhelmed.   Once they can name their feeling (remember, anger is a cover emotion!), we work through meeting their needs.   (In order to get them to the "I'm feeling..." place, you first need to perhaps follow #3 (establish eye contact).  

What are some of your SPD hacks?  

Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?