6 Simple Ways To Connect With Your Tween Daughter

And just like that, I had a tween daughter.

And just like that, I had to up my connection game. 

Understand, a tween has a lot going on.  She is caught between the child years and the teen years.  She might be mature one minute and temperamental the next.  Puberty is in full-force.  Tween years are confusing and exciting.  And you may find yourself wondering how in the world you will navigate the ups and downs while staying connected to your child.  

(If you, like me, are parenting adoptees, you know why connection is super important!)

1:  Get creative.

We use this journal to connect with one another.  We also do something called "create art for the other."  We basically created a piece of artwork for the other person and then had a "big reveal."  You could do other things:  create a playlist for each other, for example.   If you're less likely to "invent" creativity, try coloring side-by-side.  I highly recommend this hair coloring book for Black girls or one of these affirming, encouraging coloring books (one is faith based, one is not).  If your daughter is more active, go on a nature hike together, play basketball, etc. 

2:  Take her on a date.

This need not be expensive or all that creative.  A date might mean browsing the bookstore or library together, grabbing tea or ice cream, or painting pottery.   Anything that doesn't involve a screen is great!   The point is to talk and have fun.  

3:  Play what she likes.

My tween is really big into a few specific toys right now.  Sometimes I'll plop on the floor of her room and say, show me your favorites right now!  I can instantly see the light in her eyes.   It gives her the opportunity to be an expert/leader on a subject and for me to be the listener/learner.   Another option is to have your tween teach you something.  For example, my daughter is in ballet and loves showing me moves!

4:  Read to her.  

Reading a book aloud is a great way to get into your tween's world.  What is reading?  What interests her?  What will happen next?   A chapter book is great, and I think bedtime, when all is cozy and more quiet, is a great time to read together.  Because my tween is doing some therapies right now involving her vision, we use the evening time for my hubby to read to her, this devotional and this Black girl chapter book, while my daughter wears her special glasses and listens.  

5:  When she wants to talk, you listen.

I know this sounds SO simple, but it's really challenging.  The reason it's important to stop and listen is because tweens are dealing with big (and swinging) moods and emotions.   So to say "just a minute" or "let's talk about that later" may mean missing the conversation completely.   If the conversation is too big/involved for the moment, it's OK to acknowledge the importance of what's being shared and agree to a time when you'll devote your full attention to brain-storming and problem-solving.  Just make sure you address it that day.   And please, please check out the glitter jar analogy.  It's a game-changer!  

6:  Surprises.

One thing that can bring a tween joy are surprises.  Take her lunch at school or put a note in her lunchbox.  Buy her something just-because.  Take her on a date (#2).  Leave something lovely on her bed to discover when she gets home from school.  Tape a note to the bathroom mirror.  Surprises, like dates, do not need to be expensive or big.  A simple surprise can convey how much you love your child and believe in her.  This new book, specifically for teen adoptees, is a creative diary of sorts.

5 Easy and Practical Health Tips for Busy Moms

So, it's then end of January.

That means most of us have quit our new year's resolutions by now.  Because they were probably ridiculously lofty goals like lose thirty pounds in two seconds, attend hot yoga three times a week, or never eat carbs again.

As a busy mom of four, a breast cancer survivor, and a type 1 diabetic (got all that?), I KNOW that health is important, but I don't have TIME to do much about it.  (Meaning time to make an incredible health plan AND follow it through.)  Plus, doesn't being healthy seem so darn complicated these days?  Every week, there's a new fitness fad, innovative diet, supplement suggestion, and magical must-eat food.   

Frankly, it's exhausting and defeating to try to keep up.   

But there are some basic health things that never change.  And they really aren't that complicated, expensive, or difficult.   I promise.   

So from me to you, here are five easy health steps you can take as a busy mom: 

1:  Drink a smoothie a day.

I love smoothies because they are:  healthy, inexpensive, energizing, hydrating, and easy.  For the on-the-go lady, it's nice to to create an on-the-go breakfast or snack.  I pour mine into a cup, add a straw, hop into my minivan, and go about my day.  Smoothies keep your digestion regular, too.  

Now there are no fewer than 1,000,000 smoothie recipes out there, but it's really NOT complicated. First, I make mine in a generic Magic Bullet (yep, it's true!).   My smoothies are pretty basic, too.  I use one scoop of protein powder (I prefer this one, approved by my integrative cancer treatment center's dietitian), water or green tea (cooled), frozen fruit of my choosing (usually berries, because they're low on the glycemic index, but sometimes I'll use mango or kiwi), and spinach leaves (they have NO taste in smoothies but are so healthy!  I usually add a tablespoon of ground flaxseed (as part of my anti-cancer diet).  I choose to go all-organic with my ingredients.  That's it!   

Just experiment.  Some people like a peanut butter and banana smoothie.  You can blend this with your favorite milk and some cinnamon.   Some prefer a fruity smoothie (like I do).  Others even go for a coffee-based smoothie (though it's not as nutrient dense without the fruits and veggies added). (I drink my smoothie and a cup of coffee every morning.)  I recommend making your own, as the smoothies sold via a drive-thru tend to be FULL of sugar and calories that aren't at all healthy.   

2:  Make your checkup appointments, and then SHOW UP.

It's early in the year.  The calendar is WIDE open.  Make your yearly appointments now.  That means your gynecologist, your dentist, your eye doctor, and any specialists you see (a skin check by a dermatologist is a good idea!).  You might even pick a single day or two days and do all of your appointments in that time period.   And please, don't cancel the appointments!   Remember my story?  Because of my persistence and the timing of my appointments, I caught my breast cancer early. Don't procrastinate, because you'll convince yourself later in the year that you are "too busy" for your health.

3:  Choose exercise you like.

A lot of my mom friends are runners.  Let me be clear:  I HATE RUNNING.  (You know this if you read my latest book.  I go on a RANT about it like a toddler.  You're welcome.)  But I love outdoor walks (not power walking either: bleck).   Light weight lifting.  And I play dance games on my kids XBOX.   These all count.

What gives you energy?  Clears your mind?  Lifts your spirit?  That's what you need to be doing.  Don't worry about what's trendy!  Exercise doesn't have to be misery-inducing or expensive. Nor is there a magical length of time to exercise.  If you get in fifteen minutes, consider that a win for the day!   

Benefits of exercise include:  strength and endurance building, confidence boosting, anxiety reducing, sleep improving, mood balancing.  And of course, if you're not working out and then pigging out (or have an underlying medical issue), exercise helps you maintain or lose weight.   When I work out, my personal goal is to feel stronger and healthier, to have more stamina for my day-to-day activities, and to reduce my anxiety.  I'm a scale-snob, honestly, and rarely ever weigh myself.  

4:  Get some fresh air.  

Many Americans are vitamin D deficient which is NOT good considering vitamin D is vital to good health!  Get outside and get some sun exposure.  And when you're at your yearly check up with your gynecologist or GP, ask for your vitamin D level to be checked.  You may need a supplement. (Vitamin D is a fat soluble vitamin:  because of this, I prefer this supplement as a two-in-one.) But back to fresh air:  it does WONDERS.   I know, some places it's REALLY cold right now.  But bundle up and walk to your mailbox.  Take some deep breaths.   Fresh air gives you energy and mental clarity.   

5: Address mental health concerns.

So many of my mom friends are struggling with anxiety, and too many of them try to push through it instead of addressing it.  Treat your mental health just as you would your physical health.   I've been quite vocal on my struggle with anxiety, but how sharing my story has helped others (including one of my own children who also has anxiety).   Gynecologists and general practitioners may not be mental health professionals, but they are great starting points for seeking resources for further treatment options.   Don't continue to struggle in silence.   Reach out for help and consider the options you have to take control and feel better.    Dear one, being a mom is HARD.  Adopting is HARD.  Even thinking about adopting is HARD.   It's OK to admit that and confront it, head on!  

Finally, just know that there are NO MAGIC FIXES for health.  Don't buy expensive products that promise amazing results, subscribe to the "perfect" diet, decide you're going to go from "tired mom" (that's me) to fitness champion in three weeks with the help of some supplement your girlfriend has tried.   Healthy living for the long-haul should be reality-based.

Dear Sugar: 8 Things That'll Get You Through the Rest of Summer Break

Hey, Sugar:

I know.  We're in the homestretch.   Kids restless.   Mama exhausted.  Boredom collides with sibling arguments collides with mama's frustration.  It's hot.  Dreadfully hot.  Like too hot to swim kind of hot.

As a mom of four:  I GET IT.   This parenting thing, especially on the verge of summer ending and school beginning, is absolutely draining.   Like not even a venti cup full of straight-up espresso shots can save you.

During these final days and weeks, let's talk about survival.   Because if mama is happy, everyone is more likely to be happy.   So make a list and check it twice (sheesh, I do love me some Christmas and snow sounds REALLY nice right about now).   Here is my mom-will-survive-the-rest-of-summer-list, and you go ahead and make yours.  Like make a list and paste it somewhere visible as a daily reminder to treat yo'self.

Rachel's list:

1:  Flavored "sparkling" carbonated water.   No calories, no artificial dyes, no sugar (or even fake sugar), hydrating, refreshing.  I drink at least two a day, sometimes even four.  My favorite flavors are black cherry, white peach, and blueberry (which Target sadly stopped making, and I'm clinging to my last two cans!).

2:  Great books that I can read over and over.  Here are a few of my faves, and if you click on the images you can view details:



3:  Fewer commitments.   Saying no is so empowering.  It's OK to be too tired (and impatient) for playdates, for extracurricular activities, for getting up early to be somewhere.   Your kids will be JUST FINE.

4:  Order school supplies online.  The stores are INSANE as soon as the supply lists are released.  NO THANK YOU.   I'm a huge fan of Target and order all my kids' supplies online.   And if you want to save big, check out my Target couponing and savings tips.

5: Make your kids a sensory rice bin.  We currently have THREE:  solar system, rainbow, and under-the-sea.  They're inexpensive and magical.  ALL of my kids love them, despite the age range!  Plus, I love that this is the perfect rainy or too-hot day activity.   (Skip the slime, people.  That stuff doesn't come out of anything and is just gross.   Rice bins last for years; slime doesn't.)

6: Simplify meals.  My favorite thing to whip up when the kids are starving? Scrambled eggs, a frozen veggie, and a piece of fruit.  VOILA.   No one wants to cook when it's 100+ degrees out.

7:  Have family reading or game nights (or days!).  My kids LOVE LOVE LOVE this.  And it surprisingly kept them occupied for well over an hour.

8:  Get new multicultural art supplies.  Cover a table with paper from a big roll.  Then lay out the supplies and little hand mirrors (to help them create self-portraits).  Have fun, kids!  



-This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

Dear Sugar: Ten Things This Mama of Four Ain't Got Time For

Dear Sugar:

I have four children.  That alone should cause pause.  I do not have time or patience for the following:

1:  Any events where only one of my children is invited.

2:  Parties (online or in person) where women are trying to sell me crap I do not want, need, or like.

3:  Diets, including no-carb or low-carb, keto, vegan, or drinking-shakes-only.

4:  Listening to complaints from grown women about petty nonsense.  

5:  Drama.  Put on your big-girl panties.  

6:  Outings for the sake of the children that mean I will sweat profusely among a large crowd of strangers for several hours while making small talk with said strangers who want to discuss all-things-adoption while two of the four kids have epic meltdowns over needing another snack even though we ate sixteen minutes ago.  (Think, zoo in July...thanks but not thanks).  

7:  700 ultra-expensive children's adult-directed activities that only make all of us want to have an epic public meltdown.  Just say NO to over-scheduling.  

8:  Flakes.  My carefully-laid plans are just that: carefully laid.  When I manage to get my rear out the door, dressed as a semi-normal and functional human being, that's a BIG DEAL.  If you flake on me: girl, bye.  

9:  Extra anything.  I don't want papers, I don't want freebies, I don't want crappy junk in my house.  (Just say NO to free Dum Dums from the bank teller.)  

10:  Healthy brownies.  NOBODY actually likes brownies made with vegetables.  Eat a real damn brownie, and we can be friends. 

What do you have ZERO time for?  Join me on Facebook to discuss.

Dear Sugar: 3 Fun Uses for Coffee (And All the Moms Say YAY!)

Dear Sugar:

Coffee.  YES!    Not just good for drinking, though drinking is pretty great!   But that ground coffee you love can be used to create other fab things too!  And how about getting a great deal on ethically-sourced coffee?  Coupon code at the end of the post.  

1:  Facial scrub.

Take a dab of organic coconut oil (a little goes a long way) and mix in a teaspoon of ground coffee.   Then apply to your (clean) face using the pads of your fingers, doing so in circular motion.  You can also use a washcloth.   Massage all over for a few minutes, then wipe off excess, and then rinse your face with warm water.  The oil moisturizes and the coffee exfoliates.   I have read you can use a skin brush in the shower and use this same recipe to help reduce the appearance of cellulite, though you have to rub in for like ten minutes and it makes your shower floor REALLY slick: so be careful!  

2:  Fudge.

Coffee + Chocolate = Bliss.   Follow this super-simple recipe from Babble to create coffee fudge!  (The video shows you how to make the fudge with leftover coffee OR wine.)  Serve it to your girlfriends or eat it all for yourself.  Call it mommy medicine. 

3:  Home fragrance/decor.

Coffee smells incredible (like love and babies).  Find a clear glass container (the dollar store is a great place to find something), partially fill with coffee beans, and then place a vanilla or scent-less candle in the center.   It's simple, it's gorgeous, and the beans release a coffee scent all the live long day to bring you energy. 

This post is sponsored by our friends at Coffee Crate.    Enter coupon code WHITESUGARBROWNSUGAR17 at checkout to receive 15% off your order, from now until August 30.    

Dear Sugar: To the Mom About to Lose Her Shit at the End of the School Year

Dear Sugar:

First, let's be clear. I love our school district.  I do.  Amazing. Everyone from principals to bus drivers.    

But this end-of-school shit.  I cannot even.

When I was a kid (I know, I sound like I'm 103 years old):  we had ONE special thing at the end of school. ONE.  Last day.  We got tickets and had a school "carnival" on the playground with games, soda, and popcorn.  Not name-brand soda, either.  Then just after we were about to experience an epic blood sugar crash, we were sent home for three (full!) blissful months of swimming, bike riding, and hole digging.  Summer was magical.  And schools were smart:  they only had one day of crazy town before they smirked, said "buh bye," and sent us home.   

Then there's now.  

My son came home the other day with a note in his backpack.   Less than 24 hours notice, parents. All the kids need to wear "cowboy" clothing to school for a special story time event.   We don't own a single thing that would constitute as "cowboy wear." We live just outside St. Louis, not Dallas.  Not one.  Single. Cowboy.  Item. 

Also, can we talk about the fact that he is four.  Four.  As in, he was in diapers and eating mashed butternut squash not that long ago.  All he cares about is Paw Patrol, snack time, and saying "poop ball" to make his sisters laugh while they eat dinner.   

I get requests for money, announcements for special events (that cost money), special dress days, and also, I need to volunteer.  Good moms volunteer.  Often.  But here's the catch.  Bringing siblings to volunteer opportunities if forbidden.  So what am I to do with my 7 month old?  Oh, right.  Let the four-year-old babysit her. Cool.  They can play in the knife drawer and then have a scavenger hunt to find the matches, cleaning supplies, and medications.   (Insert eye roll.)  

My e-mail inbox is overflowing with "reminders."   Flagged.  Bolded.  Italicized.  Most have e-mail subjects that include the word IMPORTANT. 

Tell me I'm not alone.  Are all moms about to lose their shit right now?  Every single last one of us?  Like, if we wouldn't be hotlined for surburban mommy neglect (good moms DO NOT give up during school spirit week---rah, rah!), we would have given up four weeks ago.   

And a word about our teachers?  Teachers are pretty much next in the holy line, one tier down from Jesus Christ.   Those teachers aren't just managing twenty (plus) children, all of whom have an epic case of Spring Fever and act like every day is lit by a full moon made of red dye #40, but they are mothering children themselves!   How do they do it?  HOW DO THEY DO IT?    

What is going on? Where is my inner peace? Someone stole it and stapled it to a packet of reminders, stuffed in my child's backpack. I feel like I've aged twenty years over the past few weeks...and I'm scared I'll end up being an eighty-year old in a thirty-five-year-old's body by the end of the school year.   Ya'll.  I am on the freaking verge of buying velcro-strapped shoes, carring around caramel chewy candies to hand out to stranger-children, wearing elastic pants that match an embroidered sweatshirt, and eating chili with stale Saltines for lunch every day.   

I don't even have the energy for a side eye.  Or my personal go-to-, the eye roll.  The only energy I have left is for shut-eye.  KWIM?    

I can't give one more damn.  

Here's the deal:  My child doesn't need a magical end of school three week-marathon complete with fruity-not-real-fruit popsicles and crazy sock days. My child needs yoga.  I need wine.  Teachers need naps and Starbucks gift cards.  

Please, please, please.  Just let the children have 5+ recesses a day for the next few weeks and call it Physical Education.  And please, let them climb up the slides.  It's OK.  Please offer them loads of raw veggies (no dyes, no sugars) and call it Nutritional Science.   Please let them organize and clean out their classrooms (call it Socialization and Math) while the teacher sits with her feet propped up on the desk reposting memes on Insta.  (God bless our teachers. They are ANGELS.)  Please tell the kids to gather up all spare papers, even ones with important announcements, and recycle them (Environmental Science).  Please encourage the kids to wear whatever they want (self expression!) and call it Art.

I won't call the school district and complain.  I promise.  

Because right now, here are the things this mom would rather do than deal with the reality of the end-of-the-school-year:

-get a Pap.  Or two.  Even three!   

-eat coconut, baked beans, and yogurt (three of the most disgusting foods ever): as a smoothie

-learn how to use Excel

-read Bernstein Bears books to my little angels at bedtime

-clean up puke

-watch ten episodes of my husband's "man shows" (Storage Wars, anyone?), commercials welcome   

-listen to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song on repeat for 24 hours

I know, soon I'll be saying, "Is summer over yet???"  But for now, for now, I just need someone to stop me from eating ALL the carbs.  (It's not good for my blood sugar, you know).   Rachel, put down the scone.  Put it down.  Good.  Good.  Now slowly back up.  Slowly.  Rachel!  PUT DOWN THE SCONE.  

I know. I'll make it.  You'll make it too.  We'll be ok.  We always are. We are strong.  We are resilient.  We are determined.  And guess what? We do it all without wearing cowboy wear.  Because we are awesome.  Because we are moms.   

Dear Sugar: 25 Truths Moms of Four (Plus) Kids Live By

Dear Sugar:  This post is for the moms with four (plus) kiddos.  

Over eight months ago, I became a mom again.  Our beautiful baby girl (probably) completed our family.  Going from three kids to four was an adjustment, just as it was each time we added a child to our family through adoption.  But adding the fourth kid was a real game changer.  I suddenly realized why all my mom friends who were the matriarchs of their large families took four days to respond to my text message asking about a coffee meetup or a playdate (and the response usually being, I really want to, but I can’t).  

Over the past several months, I’ve joined a new club:  the Moms of Four Kids (or more) Club.  And with that, comes the acknowledgement that there are truths we club members live by.   Here they are:

1:  We haven’t read a book since 2009, but maybe one day we’ll get to devour Girl on a Train. 

2:  We have one answer for you when you ask us to sew costumes for the school play, make bake sale goods, or sell crappy candles for our child’s sports team:  no.   

3:  We are unashamed of our makeup-less face, hair in a top knot, and workout clothes worn all day long.

4:  We have no idea what the latest trends are in music, fashion, home décor, or beauty, nor do we care. 

5:  We are imitating Katniss Everdeen by always being in survival mode.

6:  We no longer buy coordinating outfits for our children so our pictures are Pinterest-worthy. 

7:  We laugh when you say, “Let’s make plans,” since at least seventy-five percent of our plans get cancelled.

8:  We will only entertain your request for a conversation if your sentence includes one of the following:  girlfriends’ getaway, winery, Channing Tatum, coffee, or pedicure.

9:  We see right through excuses and pettiness, and we have no patience for it. 

10:  We have more tolerance for our child’s shenanigans, because our life is one big shenanigan anyway.

11:  We become an ultimate warrior at 8 p.m., because the bedtime struggle is real.

12:  We define sexiness as our partner changing the baby’s diaper, washing the dishes, or vacuuming the minivan. 

13:  We are honest about our parental shortcomings, and confident in our experiences. 

14:  We know how to choose our battles, and when we enter a battle, we win. 

15: We know the answer to all parenting conundrums:  bribery.

16: We think Instagram is bae because of the “insta” part, because we are very, very busy. 

17:  We are our children’s #1 fans, and we are the definition of Mama Bear.

18:  We don’t care what you think about our parenting choices, and we don’t judge yours.  

  

19:  We don’t go to the movie theatre on date night because we’d just fall asleep. 

20:  We will not respond to any form of communication other than text messages, and even then, we’re unreliable. 

21:  We joke that we can’t wait for the day our birdies fly the nest while knowing deep-down, we will be heartbroken.

22:  We spend our entire waking hours trying not to lose our shit. 

23:  We have incredible ninja skills including sneaking chocolate and slipping out of our child’s bed.

24:  We mess up every single day, and we’re ok with that.

25:  We know who matters most, which is why the above twenty-four are true.