5 Successful Parenting Phrases I Use Over and Over Again

I grew up in the days of discipline that involved standing in a corner, a spanking, and/or grounding.  When I was a teen and college student (often working as a babysitter or nanny), parenting evolved to include "time outs," clip charts, and not telling children "no" for fear of ruining their self-esteem.  

Today there are many different types of parenting, often a mix of whatever the parent is feeling on any given day and what they've been raised to believe is best.  But I'm here to tell you, consistency and science-based parenting works! 

The number one book I recommend won't come as a shock to many of you.  If you've been in the adoption or foster care community for any amount of time, you've heard of The Connected Child (and check out the free videos on Empowered to Connect).   When a hopeful or new parent asks me what they need to know, I tell them, read The Connected Child first.  Learn what trauma is and how it changes the brain.  Grow to understand that connective parenting is SO important. 

The main idea of The Connected Child is that we, as parents, first and foremost connect with our kids, and THEN we correct them.  It's a parenting approach that helps kids who have experienced trauma (which arguably CAN extend to children adopted at birth) grow up to be adults who know how to connect with others in a healthy way and succeed in life.

Given our connective-driven approach to parenting, you won't be surprised (though maybe inspired?) by these five successful parenting phrases we use on repeat.

1:  "Try again with respect." 

I say this dozens of times per day.  Granted, I have four kids, so yes, lots of attempts at disrespect.    

This phrase comes directly from Empowered to Connect.  Karyn Purvis encourages us to prompt our children to correct their original attempt by re-stating, in a respectful way, what they need to say or ask us.

The more we have used this phrase with our kids, the more they know EXACTLY what to do next.  Here's an example:

Child:  I'm hungry!  Get me a snack, mom!

Me (acknowledging the child's blood sugar is low after a four-hour gap between lunch and arriving home from school):  That's not how we speak.  Try again with respect.  

Child:  May I have a snack, please?

Me:  Good words!  Absolutely!  What can I get for you?  We have yogurt, or I can get you some trail mix.  

Note that I used a few Purvis/ETC phrases here (I bolded them for you.)  I also offered two choices for my children, so I don't overwhelm them with choices, I give them the power of choosing, and I don't create a situation where they ask for options that I either don't have or don't allow (as a healthy snack).

Why use this phrase?  It trains kids to ask the RIGHT way for what they want or need.

2:  "I'm feeling ____."

When my child is struggling, I offer a prompt.  I say, "I'm feeling..." and the child fills in the blank.  (Sad/mad/angry/hurt.)  Then I say, "Ok.  Why are you feeling sad?"  The child can articulate the events leading to the feeling.  Then we work together to solve the problem and meet the child's need. 

There is NO reason to tell a child how he or she should feel or try to dismiss those feelings.  Rather, addressing them head-on and as a team works!  Plus, we don't want to raise children who are constantly working to repress their feelings OR allow them to build and build until they explosively manifest in unhealthy, inappropriate actions.

Note: a child might be in a place where he or she is too dysregulated to articulate their feelings.  If this is the case, utilize a calm-down space, or lead by saying something like, "I can see you are upset right now.  Let's take some deep breaths together and then talk about how I can help you."  Remember, with ETC, you don't isolate your child or rep reprimand them for having feelings.  You work through the struggle WITH your child. 

3:  "R-E-S-P-E-C-T." 

Sometimes I get really sick of saying, "Try again with respect." (Point #1).  My kids LOVE the fact that they know how to spell respect (thanks to Aretha), so a simple spelling of the word is a great reminder for them to "straighten up."  Plus, spelling a word can be fun and silly, and thus, attention grabbing. 

There's been many times I'll say to my kids, "Come on!  You know!  R-E-S..." and they say, "P-E-C-T." 

4:  "I'm sorry for _____."

There's a lot of apologizing around here!  A lot. 

When I usher my kids into an apology session, we first discuss what happened so I can get to the bottom of the situation.  I give each child a chance to tell his or her side of the story.  I always ask, "Tell me what YOU did wrong, not what your sibling did wrong."  This prompts the children to take ownership of their own actions.  

Then the offender says to the other child, "I'm sorry for ____." (The blank is for the offense.)  They must be making eye contact with each other, and they must use an appropriate tone and volume of voice.  If not, I go back to, "Try again with respect."  After an apology is offered, the receiver says, "I forgive."  Then we move on.

I find that many parents see something happen between kids and force the offending child to "say sorry."  It's superficial and ineffective.  

Take the time to work through the situation.   And keep in mind, not every situation means you have a big come-to-Jesus conversation.  But some situations are certainly important enough to focus on.

5:  "Get it together." 

I know this sounds dismissive, but truly, it's a simple reminder that shenanigans won't be tolerated and instead, will be called out, but in a way that's direct and a bit silly.  Sometimes playful love is exactly what a child needs:  a reminder to be brave, be strong, and act appropriately.   This is NOT a phrase to use when a child is dysregulated for any reason (sensory, fatigue, low blood sugar, etc.).  Rather, this is something I use when a child is on-the-edge of making a series of poor choices, and I don't feel it's serious enough to share #1 ("try again with respect").  

Also, don't get caught up in "correction" so much that you never have fun with your kids.  Affirming your children, spending time with them, cheering them on at their concerts and games, oohing and ahhing over their impressive test score or art project, etc. are all important.  

Remember, you're working to CONNECT and then CORRECT (when needed).

5 Simple Hacks That Can Help a Child with Seeking Sensory Processing Disorder

I've written about our struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder, which seems to be more and more common among children, and even more common among adoptees.   

We've learned a thing or two (or a hundred) about some of the tools and techniques that you can use to help your kiddo who has SPD.  Here are my favorite five SIMPLE hacks:

1:  Gum.

Chewing gum is great for a seeker.  (It can also help those with anxiety.)  It satisfies some of the need to seek without being cumbersome or big.  I have found that the sensory chewie necklaces are great at meeting oral sensory needs, but I struggle with one, their cost, and two, the fact that they're so germy!  A kid's necklace touches surfaces, hands, etc. and then goes into our child's mouth.   Gum is inexpensive, it's easy to carry, and I've heard from some other moms that gum is even in their child's IEP!   My recommendation is to be selective in which brand you buy.  We avoid artificial food dyes (as they tend to cause mood changes in kids).  There's the debate of which-is-better:  artificial sweetened gum or real-sugar gum.  We choose to stick with this brand of gum.  We do require that gum stays IN the mouth.  If it's becoming a toy/distraction, it's gone.  Luckily, my kiddo doesn't know how to blow bubbles.  

2: Backpack with weights.  

We carry a small-ish backpack with us everywhere we go and use it as-needed.  The trick?  We put ankle weights at the bottom of the backpack!  These serve a dual-purpose.  First, they weigh-down the backpack, providing sensory input.  Two, they can also be taken out and worn to provide sensory input.  Voila!  Just make sure the weights aren't too heavy for your little one and the backpack has good strap-support, as well as straps correctly adjusted to fit the child.  My son uses this backpack, and we got ankle weights at Five Below (for yes, $5).   

Other items in the backpack can be gum (point #1), small sensory toys, or just favorite toys in general.  One day I realized that my kiddo with SPD already had the perfect fidget toy:  a small Transformer! (I stress the "small" part as smaller toys and pieces help with fine motor skills/strength).  So don't feel that you must spend a lot of money on designated sensory toys.  You can often find "sensory toys" in the dollar spot bins at Target, for example, or other items at your local dollar store.  

3: "Let me see those eyes."

Ok, you might be a little lost on this one.  Let me explain.  When an environment is too sensory-stimulating, you may notice your child's eyes darting about.  It's hard to focus with all the stimuli!  The voices, the lights, the temperature, etc.  We have a saying:  "Let me see your pretty brown eyes."  It might take a few reminders, but it works.  I get down on the child's level, I rest a hand somewhere on the child's body, and I ask for their eyes.   This isn't a new trick!  My mom required us to look in her eyes when we were kids.  It's a way of connecting BEFORE correcting/communicating (thank you Dr. Purvis!).   

4:  In-place exercise.

We cannot always stick to a routine.  For example, in the summer, I established a routine for my children that alternated gross motor time with other activities.  I worked hard to incorporate heavy lifting/pushing work for my child with SPD into almost all our routine.   

But there are times you just cannot.  So we established a few in-place exercises:  wall push-ups, squats, jumping in place, and "punching" (where I assign them to "punch the sky, punch the floor, etc.") where they air-punch the direction I give them.   My kids LOVE to take turns being the exercise leader.   You can do this in almost any space.  

We also like to do yoga.  I'll burst out, "Yoga!" when things are getting out-of-hand:  and they'll assume a quiet/calm yoga pose with their eyes closed and hands in front of them at heart-center.  Yes, this can get a little silly at times, but it does help!  (You can also put on a free Cosmic Kids Yoga video:  I swear they are magical!)

5:  "I'm feeling ______."

This is a simple tool I use with all my kids, SPD or not.  When they're upset or struggling, I say, "I'm feeling..." and they know to fill in the blank.  For example, they might say, "I'm feeling sad."  Then I say, "Why are you feeling sad?"  We walk through the feelings.  Now with a child with SPD, they're likely over-stimulated, under-stimulated, or simply overwhelmed.   Once they can name their feeling (remember, anger is a cover emotion!), we work through meeting their needs.   (In order to get them to the "I'm feeling..." place, you first need to perhaps follow #3 (establish eye contact).  

What are some of your SPD hacks?  

Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?  

3 Easy Ways to Connect With Your Kids Individually When You Have a Big Family

If you follow me on Insta, you'll see I have an affinity for the #BigFamilyProblems. Mostly because, well, that's my life.  

In all honesty, I often use the hashtag sarcastically.  Because I LOVE having a big family.  And I love having an even number of children.  My middle two tend to "buddy up" while my oldest and the baby do the same.  Or sometimes the oldest two girls gel while the younger two play together.   It can be pretty awesome!

But we need to remember that our kids need some one-on-one time with mom and dad.  Having "buddies" (aka, siblings) is great.  It really is.  But our kids are individuals with their own needs, personalities, and dreams.   

So here's how we make sure each of our kids gets some one-on-one time with mom and/or dad:

1:  Go on a date.

Yes, just like you might date a spouse or partner, you need to date your kids!   Our oldest three are on a rotating schedule.  They get to pick which parent takes them on the date and what the activity is.  It's usually about an hour of time.  Sometimes we manage two dates in one weekend, while other times it might take us an entire month to get to all three dates.

The date doesn't need to be expensive.  With a big family, I know it's not realistic to spend a ton of money.   My kids most commonly choose getting ice cream or lunch, because they get to pick the place and take their time.   

Other ideas include a solo trip to the park (free), a trip to the store to spend their allowance, or occasionally, a movie.  (Though this often ends up being a double-date where one parent takes two kids.)  

2:  Run an errand. 

I look at this as a win-win.  Your family needs groceries, and a child can accompany mom or dad.  This gives us time to chat and usually the chosen kiddo gets a special treat of some sort, such as a quick run through the drive-thru for a hot chocolate.   If we're at a store that has toys, we linger on that aisle for a bit and listen to our child's interests.  

One of our kids loves to go through the car wash, for example.  Another child loves going on a library run.  It might even be driving up to the drive-thru pharmacy to pick up the family prescriptions.  We roll the windows down and blast that child's favorite music.  Sometimes they request gum from my purse, which is also a big deal since we don't let our kids chew gum all the time. You can make every day errands special!  

3:  Linger at bedtime.

Sometimes we linger a little longer with one kiddo at bedtime, giving us the opportunity to chat, cuddle, or listen to them tell us about something that's pressing on their hearts.  Bedtime is a great time to unwind and talk, parent-to-child, while the other parent gets the other kids to bed.  I recommend this most on nights that is not a school night, mostly because school nights are stressful for all.   

I also like to give my kids a "good dream in their mind" by saying something aloud that they love and touching their forehead. The kids even ask for a "good dream" before bed sometimes.  This sets the tone for a good night's sleep.   

My kids also love when I ask them questions such as "The Favorites Game." I ask them three questions about their favorites, such as:  what is your favorite food, what is your favorite season, what is your favorite color?   It's super simple and fun.  

A few guidelines:

-Make your dates technology-free.  Except, of course, to snap a few pictures to commemorate the fun.  You keep your phone tucked away, and you don't let your child bring a device. 

-Set a budget.  This makes the date-choosing fair to all the kids and keeps your family's finances in mind. 

-Create a schedule.  As I mentioned, we rotate dates with our oldest three kids, but we don't do it every weekend.  However, putting dates on a calendar is helpful for kids to know what's happening, with whom, and when.  

-Give choices.  Older kids may know exactly what they want to do, but younger children are often more successful with choices.  "Do you want to go get ice cream, or do you want to go to the park?"  

-Make dates about time-spent-together (experiences) and not things.  I'd suggest not making dates a toy-buying-excursion, unless of course, it's something linked to an activity.  Like you purchase water guns and then have a water gun fight together when you get home.  

How to Make Hair Styling Time Enjoyable for Your Black Child (Without Relying on an I-Pad or Tablet)

Four kids, four very different responses to hair styling.  Oh, and did I mention, it's been almost a decade of hair styling?!?   

My oldest:  so easy.  Not tender-headed AT ALL.  Give her a snack-cup and she'd sit as I learned to part, band, braid, and bead.

But my second daughter, oh my.  She was SO tender-headed.  To the point where she and I both wanted to just cut her hair.  Yeah, I said it.  Cut it ALL off.  It was just excrutiating from start to finish, for both of us.  I was in tears as much as she was, feeling like I failed as a mom.  But we stuck it out, and eventually she began to outgrow her inability to tolerate hair sessions.  

My son is a strong sensory seeker, but haircuts and hair styling can be a challenge.  We are pretty particular about how his hair is simply because it needs to be simple and practical.  I explain our hair care routine for him extensively in this prior post.  

My toddler isn't easy-peasy, but she's not very tender-headed either.  We stick mostly with puffs and finger coils for now, with occasional free-hair days in between.  

In our almost ten-years of styling, there's been much trial-and-error.  I am thankful for our tried-and-true routines, and I hope they help you, too:  

1:  Watch affirming movies.

I love showing my kids movies like Roger and Hammerstein's Cinderella starring Brandy, Whitney Houston, and Whoopi Goldberg.  The variety of hairstyles (Whitney's afro, Whoopi's dreds, Brandy's curls) can be a great talking point during the movie.  And I dare you not to sing "Impossible" the whole week long after watching!   

There's also the lovely "I Love My Hair" video from Sesame Street (I have that song memorized!)---though I'm not sure you'll want to watch it on repeat for the duration of the styling session.  

My kids LOVE popcorn, and it's an ideal snack for hairstyling sessions (easy to vaccuum up) and isn't sticky.  We usually pop mass batches on the stove (big family life), flavor with a little bit of butter and pink sea salt.  But sometimes we'll get the kids Boom-Chick-A Pop:  the light kettle corn flavor is the favorite.  

2:  Read hair books.

Keep all your hair books in a tote or basket that you can get out during hair time.  The tote can easily be stored, and the hair books, read during styling time, makes them special.  

There are so many excellent books for Black boys and girls on hair with more options coming out often.  I list our favorites for boys here and for girls here.  Another option is to purchase Black hairstyle magazines to flip through.  

Children who can read can practice reading aloud to you, or younger kids can listen to an older sibling read aloud to them.  

3:  Play with sensory toys.

For kids who need sensory input during hair styling sessions, yet you need them to hold mostly still, I recommend letting them sit on a wiggle cushion or a bean-bag chair.  There are also some fantastic fidget toys that keep your child's hands busy without compromising the necessity for them to sit while you work.  

Another option is to create a sensory box that fits on your child's lap.  Fill the box with sensory materials depending on his/her age and ability.  Great options include different fabric scraps, felt, colorful pipecleaners, ribbon, yarn, pom poms,  etc.  If you opt for the pipecleaners, kids can string pony beads onto them.  (I avoid allowing kids to play with a rice bin, slime, or cloud doh during this time, simply because in my view, it's too risky for there to be a spill or for hair to get into the materials.  However, Play-doh, like this sparkly version, may be a good option.)  

For younger ones, the "touch and feel" board books are a lot of fun.  Some touch-and-feel board books include Disney's It's a Small World series, any of the DK books, and the Bright Baby touch-and-feel.   Lift the flap books like those by Karen Katz and these (my toddler's favorite!) are also a great option.

4:  Encourage participation.

I have my girls put their beads of choice onto beading tools while I'm parting, banding, and braiding their hair.  I also offer hair product choices (like, which scent do you want?).  Or if we're using Gabby Bows, I have them unsnap the ones they wish to have in their hair and line them up for me.  My baby enjoys holding the different combs and hair product bottles.  You can also purchase dolls with style-able hair so your child can work while you do.  

Letting your child explore the different materials you're using is a way to create a positive and hands-on hair experience.  

5:  Offer empowerment, pride, and affirmations.

I take hairstyling sessions to be an opportunity to affirm my kids, their skin, and their hair.   I tell them how awesome it is that they are Black:  their hair can do so many things!  I give them options between two styles and let them choose.  When they get their hair braided with extensions, they have say-so in the length, the color (we often add color!), and the style.  They choose their beads or barrettes.  I keep a hand mirror near by so they can see how their style is progressing and admire the finished style.  

This isn't a stand-alone way to make the hairstyling session enjoyable, but it is definitely the most important and can be combined with the other routines.  

What are your tablet or I-pad - free tips for making hair styling time more enjoyable for your child?

Teaching Your Kids About Money

New year, new goals! 

In November, a few of my Facebook followers encouraged me to turn a picture into an entire post.  So here goes!

Each of my kids gets an allowance.  And here's how it works for us.

-We "pay" them at the beginning of every month.  (We tried weekly and failed to remember, if you want to know the truth.  So paying monthly works well for us).   We pay in $1 bills.   Each child gets $8 for spending, $8 for savings, and $4 for "Jesus money." 

-Each child has two clear jars:  one for savings (which goes to the bank when it's full enough) and one deemed "Jesus money."   The spending money goes immediately into their purses which stay in the car for shopping trips.   The clear jars are nice, as the kids can see them fill up. 

-Their spending money can be spent as they choose.  One of my daughters loves to buy herself special snacks (think a cake pop at Starbucks).   Another one of my girls obsessively buys art supplies.  One child is a saver.  The other is a spender.   Our son (5) just recently started receiving allowance like his big sisters, and he's enjoying the process! 

-There's no breakdowns at stores, asking for us to buy them things.  It always goes back to one question:  "Do you have your allowance?"   This teaches personal responsibility, delayed gratification, and money management.  

-Allowance is given no matter what.  It cannot be taken away as a punishment.  However, occasionally if a child makes an irresponsible choice, they might be expected to pay for something out of their allowance as a natural consequence.  (Say one child purposefully breaks another child's toy.) 

-Allowance isn't earned by doing chores.  It is expected that our kids pitch in when asked, with a good attitude, because they are part of the family.   Now I get that in the "real world," you're paid to work...but we aren't too worried about that right now.  However, the kids can earn extra money (not allowance) occasionally by doing something above and beyond that we need help with.  For example, one day my oldest, who likes to organize and sort, cleaned out our "junk drawer."  It took her close to an hour and she enjoyed earning a few bucks!  Another day, she helped me clean out two pantries.   

-Birthday money goes into savings, while gift cards can be spent.  Our reasoning for this?  Our kids have four grandparents, six aunts and uncles, and many cousins:  they get many, many birthday gifts.  So any money given to them should be saved, not spent on MORE "stuff."  Since this has always been our rule, it's really no big deal.  The kids know what to expect.  However, if they're given a gift card, they are allowed to spend it as they wish. 

-The savings money is not for a "rainy day."  It will be to help pay for a bigger purchase (like a car) or college fees. 

-Now, on to the "Jesus money."  As a family of faith, we believe in tithing.   However, we believe that the child should be able to see the "fruits of their labor," meaning, not just hand over their cash into a collection plate being passed around (unless they feel so inclined, like when my oldest chose to give some money for hurricane relief), but rather a more active act of faith.   Each November or December, my kids buy gifts from an angel tree choosing OR we buy gifts for a birthday child through our local foster care organization.   Our kids LOVE going to the store, choosing the gifts, and paying for them---yes, in $1 bills!  (God bless the Target cashiers!)  During this activity, they have to think what others may want to receive, keep track of how much money they can spend (lots of math), and practice making decisions.  

Thinking about giving your child an allowance?  Here are a few tips:

1:  Don't overthink it.  Just give it a whirl and see how it goes.  Stop delaying it because you fear you'll mess up.    Let your kids know that you're trying out something new, and they should expect that you'll be adjusting and adapting as need be until you find your groove. 

2:  Make changes as you go along, just like we did.  Remember I told you that we forgot to give our kids a weekly allowance?  So we went to monthly.  Easy! 

3:  Guide, but let mistakes happen.   For example, I help my kids count out their money at the checkout and offer reminders like "hang on to your receipt," say "thank you" to the cashier, and put the change you're given back into your purse, zipping it shut. 

BUT, I remember one time my daughter took a $4.99 item up to the cash register.  She only had $5 and hadn't accounted for sales tax.  She looked at me, and I reminded her that if she didn't have enough money, she'd have to wait.   Yes, I could have just handed her the change to finish paying for the item, but instead I stood firm in allowing her to "live and learn."  She handled it really well! She told the cashier, "I don't have enough money to buy this today" and handed the item to her.

4: Have designated money spaces.  For us, it's the jars and the purses.  Do whatever works for you, but just establish some sort of space.  This helps your child stay organized. 

5:  Let it go, as Elsa says.  Did I want my daughter to buy that guitar at the dollar store (yes, it was only $1)?  NO.  The minute she brought it home, it was half-broken.  But I constantly remind myself that it is THEIR money to spend as THEY please, and they will not learn anything if I'm always butting in.  I do issue some warnings or reminders, but they are always gentle and infrequent.  (For example, my daughter only had $2 of her $8 left and insisted on buying Crayons...to which I reminded her we had hundreds of Crayons at home in a bin.  She decided that she really wanted new, sharpened, cool colors:  and I said, "That's fine!  It's your money.") 

6:  Keep it simple. The reason I think adults get so overwhelmed with money management is because of how complicated we make it. Teach your kids really simple money management lessons through the gift of a allowance:  it provides opportunities for real life money management experience.

What works for you and your family?  Are you fans of allowance?  Do your children do chores to earn money, or is allowance given no matter what? 

Dear Sugar: 5 Questions to Ask When Making Parenting Decisions After an Adoption

Dear Sugar:

Is it OK to breastfeed or comfort nurse a baby I adopt? What about vaccinations?  Preschool or childcare?  Circumcision? Naming?  Attachment parenting?  Diapering?  

Becoming a parent for the first time is overwhelming, but becoming a parent via adoption puts on a whole extra level of pressure, expectations, and dilemmas.   I talk about Super Parent Syndrome in my first book: the idea that since you're a mom-by-adoption, you need to live up to it (says society, says relatives and friends, says birth family, says yourself and your partner).   But the truth is, you really are JUST a parent:  you'll have your strengths and faults, and living to impress others will leave you deflated and discouraged.  

I want to encourage you, when facing a parenting decision, not to make your choice out of guilt, suspicion, guessing, projecting, or to impress others.  Instead, ask yourself these five questions, and you'll most likely arrive at what is right.

The five questions to ask, in no particular order, and why they matter are:

1:  What did you and the birth family agree to (if anything)?  

I'm a big believer in keeping your promises.  Trust is EVERYTHING to a healthy relationship. Whether you have an ongoing, open adoption with the birth family or not, you need to think about what you agreed to when you did have communication.  Remember, you were chosen by the birth family for a reason.   Perhaps some of that reason was rooted in what you and the birth family agreed to.  This question is not just about your obligation to the birth family, but to your child, who was placed with you.  Your choices today have a forever impact on tomorrow.   

2:  What does THIS baby, in THIS situation, need most?  

Adoption and parenting is never one-size-fits all.  What does your child need in the situation he or she is in?  You likely have a good idea what the answer is.  Now you just have to have, as I talk about in my new book, the courage and conviction to do the right thing for your child:  because that's what a good mom does!  

3:  What did you promise the birth family?

Perhaps you never met the birth family, but you made a series of promises in your profile book or letter you wrote to them.   What did you promise?  Even if your promises were more broad, say "I promise to be a warm and thoughtful mom," that's a promise to consider when making day-to-day parenting choices.  Now I'm not saying this to burden you: meaning, I'm not telling you to live under a sea of guilt and uncertainty for your entire parenting journey.  I am, however, reminding you of the magnitude of promises:  they matter.  

4:  What do the experts recommend?

In some situations, you need to do your research.  Now, this can be incredibly overwhelming and confusing.   And of course, "experts" is subjective.  Some consider fellow (but more experienced) moms to be the experts.  Some consider the highly educated (say, a pediatrician) to be the expert.  It really depends on the question you are asking.  But it's rare that a question needs an immediate answer, a situation needs an immediate decision.  Take your time and find out what's best for YOUR child.  

5:  What is your mommy-gut telling you?  

I know it's really hard sometimes, as a new mom (especially by adoption, where the expectations are HIGH), to find out what is RIGHT.   But instead of pressuring yourself to make the "right choice," how about slowing down, refocusing, and asking yourself, "What is my mommy-gut telling me?" You were chosen to parent your child.  You have the responsibility to be still and listen to your God-given mommy instinct.  It's likely you already know the answer to your question of "what should I do?" 

Sugar, I believe in you (I tell you this time and time again in my new book).  I know that you're working your mommy-butt off to do the right things, in the right ways, in the right time.   I am here to encourage you!   

What choice are you facing right now?  Which of these questions is helping you make that decision?  Let's chat on Facebook!  

Dear Sugar: Meet Katie Naftzger, International, Transracial Adoptee and Adoption Therapist, on Parenting Adopted Teenagers

Dear Sugar,

Today I'm so thrilled to share with you my interview with Katie Naftzger!  She is an adoptee (international and transracial) and an adoption therapist.  She's the author of Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years, and let me tell you, every single parent-by-adoption should read this book. Even if you aren't parenting a teen, I encourage you to read the book because being proactive is so important!

Katie:  I'm a Korean-born, transracially, internationally adopted therapist. I have a younger sister who is also a Korean-adoptee but not biologically related. I grew up in urban Chicago, where issues of race, class and safety, were ever-present and interwoven into our lives. It was before most adoptive parents sought out therapy, unless they were in undeniable crisis. There were no online forums or groups. Perhaps because of this, I learned so much from my face-to-face, real time moments and relationships. My public high school was over 80% Black. I was truly a minority in a different way than I am now. Those were learning years for me. 

Being Asian in high school brought with it a specific set of issues - many Asians had recently immigrated, high-achieving but extremely low-income. I felt my privilege as someone who didn’t have to work to be here, but I also felt lost compared to them. They seemed to know who they were and where they were going in ways that I didn't. I tried to include extracurricular activities that didn't put race in the forefront, like playing flute. I played in this prestigious competition where the judges were behind a screen. For that moment, I was faceless and raceless which felt strangely liberating. 

I admired my adoptive parent's passion in continually taking steps to try to level the playing field, in their work with marginalized populations. But, they underestimated what my sister and I needed. This is the book that my parents didn’t have. 

As a psychotherapist I work primarily with adopted teens, young adults and families. I help adoptive families to feel more empowered, connected and more optimistic about the future. I’ve had the privilege of meeting with hundreds of adoptees who share feelings and experiences that they’ve never explored with someone else! And, in those conversations, I’m continually asking myself three questions: 

What are they trying to tell me?

What do they need from me?

How can I address those needs? 

One thing that I’ve learned in depth over the years is just how important their adoptive parents are to them. What they need from you is laid out in the four tasks outlined in the book - “unrescuing,” setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future.

Rachel:  You authored a new book about adoption and the teen years.   Why do parents of adoptees NEED to read this book?  

Katie:  What I was seeing was that many adoptive parents were parenting that they did when their teen was younger. And, unfortunately, what had worked in the past wasn’t working anymore. And, sometimes it even backfired. Their relationship suffered and the teen often felt unprepared for young adulthood. The goals change a lot in the teen years. When they were younger it was about reassurance, security and comfort. In the teen years, helping them to feel more empowered, competent and authentic is key. This book is not just about why that’s important, but offers adoptive parents ways to apply those insights. 

This is book is unique in that it is geared for every adoptive parent, whether you’re coasting or in crisis. It is not pathologizing or minimizing. Our reaction and lived experience as adoptees is not predetermined. That said, there are inherent losses in the narrative which are important to understand, which for many adoptees, remain unspoken, especially with those who aren’t adoptees.

The stakes are so high. The more grounded, informed and empowered you feel, the more access you’ll have to the changing needs of your adopted teen. Even seemingly small changes make all of the difference in the long run.

Rachel:  You are an experienced therapist, working with adoptees.   What do parents, generally speaking, need to understand about their teenagers that you've noticed parents seem to be missing right now?  

Katie:  One of the most important reframes to integrate, is that the adoption story is not just about abandonment or relinquishment, or loss, although there is loss embedded in it, of course. It’s a survival story. 

The adoptee survived something that others in similar situations, did not. Many adoptees talk with me about how lucky they were just to have survived. To have one’s life hinge on luck is unsettling! So, without even realizing it, many adoptees will develop survival skills that will allow them to make their own luck, so to speak. This could mean excelling in school, fitting in racially/culturally/socially, etc. It could mean a highly tuned radar for what others feel about them. There’s often a vigilance, often undetectable and unconscious. 

Rachel:  One thing I've struggled with, and so have many parents by adoption, is when our children struggle, we cannot decide if the struggle is related to adoption or not.  Can you offer any advice on how parents like me can answer that question?  And if the struggle IS adoption-related, what's the next step the parent should take? 

Katie:  Let’s start with the difference between younger adoptees and adopted teens. Teenhood brings a different lens to their relationship, whether unknown or known, with their birth parent. When adoptees are younger, they have questions, possibly hurt feelings, etc. But in teenhood, adoptees can actually identify with the birth mother. Because they’re now sexually equipped, they can put themselves in the position of their birth mother. Teens are often become able to think more abstractly so they often become interested in the feelings, details, the injustices and morals. This often includes variations on the question, how could you do this to me? 

Non-adopted teens have a birth story, but for adoptees, it’s a survival story. For adoptees, the worst has already happened. Of course, teenhood is generally fraught with risk and potential! But, adoptees are often more in survival mode than the garden-variety teen. When adoptees who come in to see me, early on, they’ll often say something like, “I can pick up on other people’s feelings. I’m extremely attuned.” But, through their tone, I know by their serious tone that it’s not just a casual trait. It’s a strategy. 

What I argue in the book is that there is a parallel process between you as adoptive parent and the adopted teen. Just as you are in some ways, a garden-variety parent, you are also an adoptive parent, and are faced with reconciling that! And, although each parent is unique, the four tasks I lay out encompass the vulnerabilities that I’ve seen in adopted teens and adoptive parents. For example, unrescuing is the first task. I believe that adopted teens often believe that they need to be rescued, and that adoptive parents are more vulnerable to rescuing. Why? The rescuing is part of the narrative. 

In terms of next steps for adoptive parents, there are four of them - unrescuing, setting adoption-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations and envisioning the future, in that order! Each task also contains simple, practical accessible adjustments that adoptive parents can make to meet the needs of their adopted teen. 

Rachel:  Besides your book (which I'm reading right now and underlining passage after passage), what other resources do you recommend parents-by-adoption read to better understand their children?  

Katie:  The podcast Journey of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is helpful if you’re interested in the research, not just about adoption, but a range of mental health issues. Add Water and Stir: Women of Color/Adoption/Foster Care/Parenting is fantastic. The Rambler includes interviews of many Korean-adult adoptees, myself included. The host, Mike McDonald is also a Korean-adoptee. AdopteesOn is hosted by a Canadian adoptee and focuses on open adoption and reunion stories. Might need Kleenex for that one! She interviews adoptees who are also therapists, which I participated in. Creating a Family is hosted by Dawn Davenport, adoptive parent, author, whom I just love. I enjoyed talking with her about the book! And, Renegade Rules is actually a podcast for parents of younger children, but we had a fascinating conversations about teens and adoption.