5 Popular Adoption Phrases You Won't Hear Me Say or Share, and Here's Why

These adoption phrases may be popular, they may be catchy, but when you really think about it, they really aren't true of adoption for everyone.  

Perhaps you've heard some of these, or even used them yourself?  Before you share these on social media again, or don't respond when someone says them to you, I want you to consider WHY I don't use these and perhaps, why you shouldn't either. 

1:  #AdoptionRocks

I have read many adoptees share that they loathe this hashtag, and I totally get why.  I have never been comfortable sharing it, mostly because after a decade of parenting, I realize that adoption is many things, many complicated and bittersweet things.  #AdoptionRocks is simple.  Too simple.  It's also very adoptive-parent centric:  a point of view that excludes how our kids and their biological parents may feel.   

This isn't to say our children can't be proud to be adopted.  This also isn't to say that a biological parent cannot feel content or at peace with their decision to place.

But I feel that #AdoptionRocks isn't my hashtag to tout.  Why?  Because I know the intricate truths that parenting adoptees brings and reveals, and I want to honor those.  And because, as I share time and time again, it's not all about me or you.  Adoption should always be focused on the child.  

2:  I carried my child in my heart, not my womb.

Reason #1: It's too damn cheesy.   

Reason #2:  I cannot compare my experience (waiting for a child, preparing for a child) with the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual battles a birth parent has faced.   

Again, it's just not my place as a parent-by-adoption to "claim" any part of the conception, pregnancy, or birth of the child I adopted.   To do so insinuates that I'm attempting to compare my experience to that of a birth family member's or I'm trying to steal part of their experience. 

No, thanks.  

3:  DNA doesn't make a family; love makes a family.

Ok, now I do use #LoveMakesaFamily often in my social media posts.  But never, ever with a statement about DNA not making a family.   Because no matter the relationship your child does/doesn't have with his/her birth family, the birth family is ALWAYS your child's FIRST and BIRTH family.   

DNA does create family.  So does adoption.  

I don't see any reason to discount either or try to "one up" the biological connection.   And it's certainly not my place to dismiss the importance of birth family to an adoptee.  

4: Adopted children are gifts.

Listen, I'm loud-and-proud to be my kids' chosen mama.  I am very thankful that they are my kids.  However, my kids aren't objects, gifts, to be given.  They are human beings with thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  They are people, not presents.  

5:  Adoption is the new pregnant.  

Hmmmm.  Adoption and pregnancy really have zero similarities.  Plus, adoption isn't a bandwagon to jump on.  

This phrase also tends to minimize the difficulties of adopting:  the mountains of paperwork, background checks, interviews, education, financial sacrifices, relationships, and waiting.  Adoption has an enormous impact on the trajectory of a child's life.  Adoption is a serious, life-altering decision.  

Learn more about what I don't say, and why, in the chapter "All Aboard the Cliche Train" (pages 107-109) from The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  

5 Important Lessons We've Learned About Parenting Adoptees

I can hardly believe that ten years ago, we completed our first homestudy and started waiting for our first child!  

We thought we knew adoption. After all, we'd met with other families-by-adoption.  We'd read books, articles, and blog posts.  We weren't just hearing.  We were listening, learning, and applying.  

But with time comes experience, and wow, have we had some experiences over the past twelve years (the period of time from when we decided to adopt until now).  Four children placed with us, twenty "rejections," two interim care infants.   

1:  Love isn't enough.  

This is a BIG one.  

Because we're programmed as a society to believe love is all we need.  That love conquers all.  "Live, laugh, love."  You get the point.  

Many adoptees come into their forever families having experienced trauma.  Trauma, as we know, changes the brain.  That's why so many families like mine swear by the book The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, follow attachment parenting techniques, and swear by all the things Empowered Can Connect can offer us.  

Love is a critical foundation, but it isn't enough.  Because adoptees have needs beyond love.  We can't love our children's trauma out of them, nor should we try.  Instead, everything we do is based on love, but we know that we don't start and stop with love.  

The earlier families who choose to adopt understand this, the better off they are, and the more likely their adoptee is to flourish in life vs. suffer in silence, confusion, and frustration.

2:  Initiate adoption conversations.

This was some of the first adoption advice I ever received, and interestingly, I was reminded of it when I read this fabulous young adult, adoption-themed novel.

My friend, mama to a transracial, international adoptee, told me that she used stories that came up in the media to check in with her child about adoption.   

The truth is, your child, at some point (and likely many points) is thinking about his or her adoption.  

When you, as the adult, initiate the adoption conversation, you send your child one very powerful message:  that you are a safe person to approach about adoption.   

I read online ALL the time that adoptees want to search for their biological families, but they are too scared to broach the subject with their parents.  The last thing they want to do is hurt their parents' feelings.  

But what if adoption conversations were normalized from very early on?  What if children knew they were adopted from the get-go?  What if parents reminded their kids, over and over, that adoption-talk is OK?  

3:  Empathy:  always.  

I run a large adoption triad support group, and a few years ago an experienced attachment therapist spoke to our group.  I had the opportunity to speak with her one-on-one, and I asked her about a personal situation we'd encountered with one of our children whom was struggling greatly with an absent birth parent.   And she told me something I'll never forget, that our response, as adoptive parents, should always be empathy.  

Not correction.  Not explanation.  Not a lecture.  Not ignoring or sugar-coating or sweeping under the proverbial rug.   

Take the emotions for exactly what they are, and in return, offer empathy.  

4:  Listen to what your child needs. 

There is a lot of "noise" in the adoption community.  Some of it is so incredibly important, so incredibly crucial, and very helpful.  But some of it isn't.  

There are times, several years ago, that I felt like I could never "measure up" to be the mommy my children needed.  My children were doomed. I was doomed.  We were all doomed.  I felt this way after spending WAY too much time online.

If you notice, those who comment online tend to be one of two extremes on ANY subject.  There is very rarely balance.  Because the people who are in-the-middle usually aren't online passionately arguing.  Why?  Because they are living life!  

My friend Madeleine Melcher, who is both an adoptee and mom-by-adoption, wrote a wonderful book encouraging and educating adoptive parents.  In the book, she stresses over and over the importance of listening to YOUR child.  

Because she knows, and I know, there is no such thing as adoption gospel.  Of course, there are things that are clearly wrong and unethical.  But there are many things, as Madeleine shares, that are in-the-gray.  

Who matters most in any adoption?  It's your child.  So listen to him or her, above all, because as Madeleine says, that is the voice that matters the most.  

(PLEASE buy and read her book!  I promise you will be blessed by it!)  

5:  Tell the truth.  

This is something I say to my kids ALL the time.  That telling the truth is SO much better than lying, concealing, hiding.  Telling the truth, even when it's hard, is always the right thing to do.

This means that your children need to know THEIR truth, and you, as their parent, have the privilege and honor and responsibility of doing so.  

You are always telling your child his or her adoption story, adding details as the child matures and as new information is made known to you.  (This book is incredibly helpful in assisting parents talk to their adoptees and foster children.) 

I know that some of these details aren't pretty.  I know that as a parent, you are scared to tell your child because as a mom, you want to PROTECT your child.  But guess what?  Not telling the truth creates distrust, and it teaches your child that there is something shameful about their story.   

The Bible is right. The truth = freedom.  Freedom allows a child to know the full picture (as full as possible) and to process that picture.  And remember, if you are responding with empathy (point #3), initiating adoption conversations (point #2), parenting with love and then some (point #1), and listening to your child (point #4), you are more likely to be the parent your child needs you to be than if you aren't.  

Friends, I truly believe that adoptees can be raised by woke, loving, empathetic parents.  That's exactly why I wrote The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  To give you the book I didn't have twelve years ago.   And I want to thank my readers for all the beautiful e-mails I've received as a result of them reading the book.  

10 Adoption Comments From Nosy Strangers and Real-Life Responses

We've all been there.

We're in the grocery store checkout line or at the park watching our kids or trying to select books at the library, when THAT stranger comes up and has somethin' to say about adoption.   

And we're often caught off-guard.  I mean, we're just living our life.  And then BAM!, adoption is thrown in our faces as the stranger demands we justify, explain, or explore adoption, right there, right in front of our kids.  

When I was new to adoption, I tended to give away too much information.  I wanted to please people. I didn't want to offend.  And I wanted to educate.

But the longer I've been in the adoption community (almost 13 years now!), the more likely I am to provide a "short and sweet" answer that educates but doesn't offer up any extra information that the stranger doesn't need to know.  

AND, most importantly, I answer in a way that protects my child's privacy.  

So, here are the top ten comments we get and how I respond:

Stranger:  "Your child is lucky you adopted them!"

You:  "I'm the lucky one."  

Stranger:  "How old is their real mom?"

You:  "I'm 36."  (Or whatever your age is)

Stranger:  "Are your kids real siblings?"

You:  "They aren't fake siblings."  

Stranger:  "Why didn't you have your own kids?"

You:  "My children are my 'own.'"

Stranger:  "Are you going to have your own child now that you've adopted?"

You:  "My child is my 'own' child."  

Stranger:  "How much did your child cost?" 

You:  "I paid for an adoption process, not a child."  

Stranger:  "I heard all adopted kids have problems." 

You:  "You heard wrong."  

Stranger:  "Is your son full or mixed?"

You:  "My son is human."

Stranger:  "God bless you for adopting children who needed a good and loving home."

You:  "I'm thankful to be my kids' mom."  

Stranger:  "Why did her birth parents give her up?"

You:  "Her birth parents placed her for adoption, and the reasons behind that choice are private."  

What would you add to my top-ten list?  How do you respond? 

5 Choices That Can Complicate Your Adoption Journey

12.5: the number of years we've been in the adoption community.

4:  the number of children we've adopted

5:  the number of choices you need to know about that can complicate any adoption

1:  Hiring an unethical adoption professional.

This is the #1 thing you can do to screw up your adoption journey.

Choosing an ethical agency, attorney, facilitator, etc. is critical, and I spend a lot of time and energy thoroughly explaining this here.  Because it is that important.  

If your foundation isn't one of ethics, how can you expect the rest of the adoption journey to go well?

And remember:  every decision you make today has a forever-impact on your child.  

(One of the questions I receive the most is "how do I choose an ethical adoption professional?"  I answer that here.)

2:  Paying birth or expectant parent expenses. 

This can be a hot mess.  

(At one time, I said I would never, ever pay expenses.  But that changed, and again, it got messy and complicated and frustrating.)  

Yeah, I know, expectant and birth parents expenses are legal in many states, but are they ethical?  

I think the ethics of this are in-they-gray.  Some expenses paid are reasonable in some situations.  But we also all know that money complicates things.  It can become a tit-for-tat, and that's not cool.

If you are going to pay expenses, be very clear about how much and for what, and know that no matter how much you dish out, you cannot and should not expect a placement in return.   

3:  Veering.  

You know I warned you, right?  In the chapter I titled "Stay In Your Lane"?   

There are some things in adoption that are cut and dried.  For example, a baby isn't your baby if and until TPR and revocation are done.  STAY IN YOUR LANE.

Demanding to have a say-so in the birth plan and hospital stay.  STAY IN YOUR LANE.

Pressing to know every detail of an expectant parent's life?  STAY IN YOUR LANE.  

4:  Playing dual-roles.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  It is impossible to be both social worker/counselor to an expectant or birth parent AND be adoptive parent.  You can't do both well, nor is it ethical.  That's why I'm a big fan of having an experienced, ethical, adoption-competent social worker involved in any adoption.  Because your job is to be the child's MOM, not the birth or expectant parent's social worker.  

If you pour so much of yourself into the role of "counselor," you will have less of yourself to be your baby's mom.  To be your partner's partner.  

You cannot do everything well.  You were never meant to.  It's not ethical.  It's not fair.  So just don't.  

5:  Making BIG promises.  

Wait, Rach.  Aren't you a fan of open adoption and promises?

I believe in making and keeping promises.  But I also believe in making sure those promises are organic and realistic in the first place.

Promising openness in an adoption, let's say promising X number of visits per year, for the entirety of a child's life is not only naive but frankly unwise.  Because promising such openness isn't considerate of the child.   What will the child want one day?  Need?  Require?  You don't know that when your child is merely a infant, toddler, or preschooler.   Also, you aren't taking into account real life:  people move, people change.   

Make short-term, organic promises.  Keep the communication open.  Step by step, month by month, year by year.  And always, always do what's best for the child. 

And certainly, never make promises you don't intend to keep or promises based on trying to secure a placement.  Because that placement is of a baby, and that baby has a right to thoughts and feelings regarding his or her adoption. 

What would you add to my list?  What have you learned throughout your adoption and parenting journey?

5 Ways to Mess Up Open Adoption

In April, I shared with you five ways to help create a successful open adoption.  So today, I want to re-visit this important topic, but share with you five ways I see parents messing up open adoption.

First, open adoption is defined as the triad (that's the birth family, adoptive family, and adoptee) having some level of an ongoing relationship, usually through direct-contact.  This might mean texts, phone calls, e-mails, and visits. 

1:  Too much, too soon.

Whether this is during an adoption match or after a placement, some parents give out too much, too soon.  This can be everything from contact information (address, cell number), to life details (where you work, what you believe in, etc.), to contact itself.  Why is this problematic?  Because all good relationships develop healthily through organic growth.

2:  Holding back.

While you don't want to give too much, too soon, you also don't want to hold back too much.  This person is planning to, or has already, entrusted her child to you.  Therefore, you do need to be "open" to have a successfully open adoption.  This doesn't mean you disclose every little life detail (your income, your weight, your social security number---duh), but you do need to be vulnerable and willing in an open adoption relationship.  Otherwise, you are hampering its ability to succeed.

3:  Tit for tat.

Just as you disclose information to the expectant or birth family, you want some information from them.  This can be positively motivated:  you want to be able to convey information to your child (the adoptee).  But interrogating an expectant or birth family member, or demanding information because you somehow feel entitled to it, can have negative consequences and damage the relationship. 

4:  Guessing.

You do not know how the other person is feeling.  They do not know how you are feeling.  Therefore, if you are unwilling to communicate rather than guess/suppose, you are setting the openness up to fail.  Ask questions.  Check in with each other.  Be honest.   But don't guess.  There are too many factors and circumstances in every person's life for guessing.

5:  Taking everything personally.

Once again, things happen in the other person's life.  Things happen in your life.  Every single emotion or question or statement or reaction isn't always (or even often) rooted in you.  This is why we need to go back to #4.  Guessing doesn't work.  Ask, but again, as I shared in #3, don't enter into conversations feeling entitled to every tidbit of information. 

And when a birth parent is struggling, you need to point him or her back to the social worker (hopefully the very ethical one).  You cannot and should not assign yourself the role of birth parent counselor AND mom to your child.  I go into detail about this in my latest book.  Because your #1 job?  To be your child's mom.  Trying to be counselor can hinder or even harm your relationship with your child, with your other children, and your partner. It can take a toll on your own health.

You cannot bypass the work, time, commitment, authenticity, and grace that open adoptions take.  Please don't try to "fast pass" or bypass or ignore.  Do the work.  Make the changes.  And avoid burning bridges that cannot be repaired.

5 Simple Guidelines for a Successful Open Adoption

Let me start by saying, there is nothing "simple" about open adoption.  I've said time and time (and time and time) again that open adoptions take A LOT of work.  Like any adoption, open adoptions are complex and bittersweet.  

But there are ways you can work to make your open adoption more likely to be successful.   

After twelve years in the adoption community and almost a decade of parenting adoptees (as well as almost a decade of open adoptions), here's my best advice:

1:  Make short-term, organic promises.  

I've seen it way too many times:  agencies encouraging hopeful/new adoptive parents to promise the world to the expectant/birth parents.   And it's not OK.   

The thing is, none of us can project the future.  So to commit to certain things (visits, phone calls, e-mails, etc.) from the child's placement to when the child is eighteen is unrealistic.  It's sets the relationship up to fail.   

It's also a tool unethical adoption agencies use to lure moms into placing their children for adoption.  After all, she will get to see her child, know how her child is doing, and perhaps be a big part of the child's life, maybe even the child's day-to-day life.   The mom may then believe that she is somehow co-parenting the child and the adoption won't be "that bad" of a decision.  Instead, it'll be a win-win.   

Making short-term, organic promises allows the relationship to develop naturally and at a healthy pace vs. rushing, making unhealthy decisions, and projecting the future.  

What is short-term?  Well, I'd say six months at a time, or a year if you know each other well.  But definitely NOT birth to age eighteen!  

Which leads me to point #2...

2:  Do what you child wants and needs. 

When your child is old enough to have a say-so in the openness, which I firmly believe he or she should, his or her input on the openness should absolutely matter.   

Because the open adoption should be centered around the adoptee:  the innocent party who was left to the will of adults.   

Even when a child isn't old enough to verbalize how he/she feels about openness, parents can observe their child's behaviors and reactions before, during, and after visits.   

There are certain things my kids don't have a choice in right now.  They have to go to school.  They have to brush their teeth.  They have to attend church with us.   There are some situations in which they simply don't have a choice.   But in the openness with their birth families?  They absolutely have options.  

3:  Be flexible.  

Things change.  People change.  This is HARD for someone like me who is type A (aka:  controlling).   I think being open to change is incredibly important.  The people who placed the child, and the people (you) who received the child aren't going to forever remain the same.  We might move.  Divorce.   Change careers.  Add more children.   This is called life, ya'll.  Real life.   

Therefore, we have to be open to changes.   We can't have rules so rigid that people can't be human.  

However, I do draw the line at broken promises.   This is absolutely detrimental to the child.  Some flexibility?  Of course.  But breaking a child's heart by not showing up (especially multiple times) is unacceptable.  

4:  Communicate (don't guess).  

We all do it.  We guess what another person's motivation is.  Their thoughts.  Their feelings.  And assuming simply harms relationships.   

Instead, we need to ask questions, be open to responses, be honest and empathetic and grace-filled.  

If an issue arises (let's say you're frustrated that your child's birth mom posted pictures of your child online when you're family guideline is not to do so), instead of stewing about it, being passive-aggressive, or assume she's out to make you angry, ask.  

Difficult conversations are only more difficult if you choose to avoid an issue for a long period of time.  

The explanation could be very simple and completely opposite of what you supposed.   

Likewise, invite conversations.  Ask your child's birth family if there's anything they want to talk to you about.  Touch base and see how things are going.  Then re-calibrate and move forward.  

5:  Stay in your lane.  

There are certain things that are nachobusiness.  Yes, you read that correctly.   

You are not in charge of the birth parents or their choices.  You are not their judge or jury.  Likewise, they are not yours.    

Only if something they are doing or saying is harmful to your child, should you revert to #4 and speak up.  

(I love the "stay in your lane" phrase so much that I dedicate an entire chapter to it in my new book.)

For more open adoption information, please visit my friend Lori's blog and check out her book.  

What has made your open adoption successful or unsuccessful?  What would you tell those new to open adoption or those considering whether or not to have an open adoption? 

18 Things to Know If You're Adopting in 2018

Can you believe it's 2018?   The holiday season was a whirlwind of food, family fun, gifts, traveling, decorating, and if we're honest, pure exhaustion.   And if adoption was on your radar before the holidays, your urgency to adopt is probably more intense after spending so much time with family (perhaps answering the question, "When are you going to have kids?"---yikes!).   To help you prepare for the journey ahead, here are 18 things you MUST know about if you're adopting this year: 

1:  Adoptive breastfeeding.

Yes, it's possible.  Yes, it's controversial.  Yes, I am a fan.  Read more about it from expert Alyssa Schnell, and read my experience here and here.   Know there are plenty of ways to form a secure attachment with a child you adopt, with nursing being one of them. 

2:  Employer financial help.

Some employers offer financial assistance to those who choose to adopt.  (Yes, it's true!)  Maybe you or your partner's companies are among those?   Be sure to talk to your HR rep.    Usually the company offers this reimbursement for expenses (you must submit documentation) after the adoption has been finalized.   The Dave Thomas Foundation offers the 2017 "best" adoption-friendly companies list here.

3:  Adoption leave.

Some employers offer adoption leave!  My husband had four weeks of paid leave off with our first and fourth children---and it was an awesome blessing.  Companies recognize that adopting a baby matters too.  Again, check with your HR rep, and check out the list.  

4:  Open adoption.

We have four open adoptions, and I've written extensively about our experiences as well as shared some great resources with you.  Here I answer your burning questions.  I want you to know that it's OK to be scared:  but it's not OK to make decisions out of ignorance.  Get educated!  Weigh the pros and cons, and then move forward in confidence. 

5:  Representation matters.

If you adopt transracially, be prepared to fill your home with books, toys, games, art, music, and films that offer diversity.   Your child wants to see himself or herself represented!  For example, here are my favorite children's picture books featuring Black girls.   Follow me on IG where I post my newest finds. 

6:  Legal stuff.

If you're going to choose adopt, hire a "quad A" attorney to help you get through the process.  Legal stuff is nothing to mess around with or short-cut when it comes to having an ethical adoption. 

7:  Mentorship.

If you adopt, I highly recommend finding a mentor for your child.  It isn't as difficult as you might think.

8:  Saying goodbye to adoption.

Have you already adopted or tired of waiting to adopt, yet you're considering whether or not to "close the book" on adopting ?   BEEN THERE. 

9:  Profile books.

There are so many fantastic services that help you create your profile book.  Some even review the profile book you created yourself.    Consider this as an option as you budget for your adoption journey. 


10:  Faith.

Faith shouldn't be put on the back burner when you choose to adopt.  The two can walk hand-in-hand.  Check out the adoption journey devotional I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher:  adoptee and mom-by-adoption.


11:  Compliment accepted.

There are many things we parents-by-adoption hate (such as, "Are your kids real siblings?"--which tends to come about mostly in families like mine which are built by transracial adoption), but there's one thing I personally love to hear.   What about you? 

12:  Positivity is OK. 

If you spend any time on the Internet, focusing on any topic, you're bound to leave with some hurt feelings, annoyance, or anger.  Adoption is controversial and the community can be combative, leaving you discouraged.   Please, please, please read this fabulous book, written by an adoptee, directed to those who want to adopt or have adopted.  I promise you'll be uplifted and educated! 

13:  Create a home library for your child.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to instill a healthy sense of "you belong here" and "adoption matters" to your child, even from their earliest days.  Here are nine books I recommend you add to your child's book collection.   I also recommend these fabulous books which showcase the love between a parent and child. 

14:  Searching is normal. 

If your child wants to learn more about himself or herself one day, DNA tests have opened up many doors!  An adoptee who wants to know more about where he/she came from and his/her ethnicity should be supported by their parents. Three of my four children have done a DNA test through Ancestry, and here I offer you my honest review of how the process (and results) went! 

15:  Don't neglect the grandparents!

It's completely natural for grandparents/future grandparents to need adoption education.  Here I break down for you how to help them understand your choice to adopt. 

16:  Prepare the children you have now for a new sibling-by-adoption. 

Too often, your now-children are neglected when you're in the trenches of adoption paperwork and preparation.   But that's a big mistake!   Here are some easy ways to prepare your kiddos for a new sibling. 

17:  Consider special needs adoption.

There is always a need for those who are able and willing to adopt children with special needs.  You can register with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, for example.   And be sure to stock your home library with these fabulous books on belonging and difference---great for not only your child with special needs, but their siblings too! 

18:  Never stop learning.

Too many times I see new parents stop their adoption education just because they finally have a baby in their home.  Let me be clear:  the learning should NEVER stop.   That doesn't mean you live in an all-things-adoption world.  It does mean that you understand that adoption is complex, bittersweet, and evolving, and you want to be the best parent to your child by always being open to new ideas, research, and resources. 

Cheers to 2018 and your journey ahead!  

Dear Sugar: Your Burning Adoption Questions on Open Adoption, Racism, Preparing A Sibling, and Ethics

Dear Sugar:

This is the very last day of National Adoption Month, and today I'm addressing some of questions left for me from our Facebook community.  

Q:  What are the pros and cons of open adoption?

As you know, we have four open adoptions, but they aren't created (or maintained) equally.  There are so many factors in determining if open adoption is right for you and your family. I encourage you to read about the following:  open adoption is beautifully broken, open adoption is intimidating, open adoption requires vulnerability.   So to answer your question, there isn't a hard-and-fast "pros and cons" list so much as there are complexities to consider.   I talk a lot about open adoption in my new book, as well. 

Q:  How do you talk to your kids about all the things going on in America today:  protest, police brutality, racial injustice?   It all seems so BIG and complex!  

It is BIG and complex!  I talk to my kids at an age-and-stage (maturity) appropriate level.  We own many, many books on some of the topics you mentioned above.  I'm a big believer in using books to begin and continue conversations.  I'm also really honest with my kids about history and current events, though we carefully monitor the media our children are exposed to.  I think one important response to what's going on in America is to use it as a reminder to ourselves to BUILD OUR CHILDREN UP.   Look for every opportunity to surround them with people who racially match them, to point out the incredible things Black people have done and are doing, to fill your home with representation (books, toys, music, art) from the child's earliest years, have a mentor for your child, and affirm that your child is MAGICAL and incredible and yes, their Blackness is a gift.  I post resources ALL the time on my Facebook page!  

Q:  We already have biological children (ages 3 and 5) and are adopting.  How do we prepare our children for the adoption process and for the addition of a new sibling?

I dedicated an entire chapter to this in my first book, because I think it's really important!  I offer five simple suggestions on preparing your younger children for a sibling here.  

As far as the actual adoption process, I recommend taking it day-by-day.  Outlining an entire process from start to finish for young children is just too much!  I mean, think how overwhelming it is for us as adults, let alone young children. For example, say the social worker is going to do a home visit. The day before, ask your kids to help you tidy up the house. Tell them that an important person who is going to help your family adopt a baby is coming to visit tomorrow.  Let them know the person's name and the things that will go on during the visit.   Just remember, don't go overboard. Remember what I told you in my new book?  That $45 apple pie organic soy candle isn't going to impress your social worker. Keep it simple and just be yourselves.  And don't freak out if your kid has a tantrum or says something silly while the social worker is there.  Anyone who has been around children knows they aren't perfect. They want YOU, the real you, and not perfection.  

My other tidbit of advice: don't lose site of the relationship you have with your current children.  I know adoption is big and overwhelming and sometimes all-consuming, but you need to remember that your job is to be a mom NOW, not save up all the "good stuff" for later.  

Q:  We want to adopt, but everything I read in most adoption groups is overwhelmingly negative toward adoption.  Are we making a big mistake by choosing to adopt?

Well, obviously I don't think choosing to adopt is a mistake or a problem.  But what I do take issue with is UNETHICAL adoption practices and UNEDUCATED hopeful parents.  This is a lethal combination:  lack of ethics + lack of education = problematic adoptions.  And who is impacted most by problematic adoptions?  The adoptee.   I am so passionate about ethics and education, that most of my new book is dedicated to discussing the details of these.  How can you pursue an ethical adoption?  What does an ethical adoption really mean?  How do you choose an ethical adoption professional to guide you on your journey?  How do you get educated as a hopeful parent?  What are the best adoption resources?  

This is a BIG topic, which is why I cannot address it in a mere paragraph.  But I urge you to commit to picking up the book and embarking on a journey that will completely change your world and make the adoption decision so much more clear.  

Thank you for your questions submitted on Facebook!  Let's chat about your latest questions today.