Adoption Ethics: What It Means, and Why It Matters

Many who are new to adoption or who are choosing to embark on another adoption journey have asked me, what does "adoption ethics" mean?  How can someone have an ethical adoption?  Why is an ethical adoption so important?

I cover this topic extensively in my latest book, and in fact, ethics is the central theme and foundation on which everything I write is built upon.  

Today, I break down for you what each letter of ETHICS stands for in adoption.  

E : empathy

Empathy is absolutely crucial!  Can you put yourself in the shoes of another, feeling their pain and joy, validating their feelings, and supporting their choices?

Empathy can be complicated when you're trying to empathize with your child's birth parents or expectant parents with whom you are matched with.  It's easy to judge their choices and circumstances from your lens of privilege.  I know you might have just winced at that.  But listen, if you're in a place to adopt a child, you are privileged.  Period.  You, as the hopeful adoptive parent, also hold a lot of power.  These this combination of power and privilege, puts you in a place where you are more vulnerable to be tempted to render judgement.  

You'll not only need to be empathetic to your child's birth parents, but to your child. You CANNOT parent an adoptee in a healthy manner without empathy.

How do you develop empathy?  That's a GREAT question.  The following parts of this post should help you.

T:  timing

You've probably heard "timing is everything," and I would agree that timing is VERY important. 

The thing is, not every adoption opportunity is for you.  Not every path is going to lead you to a placement of a child.  And you MUST be OK with this.  You have to decide that ethics is most important:  not a quick or easy placement of a child.  

Timing means slowing down and considering, is this ethical or not?  Timing means praying.  Timing means that even if something takes a long time, that's OK. Timing means sometimes things happen very quickly, and you have to be as prepared a possible.

H:  healthy boundaries

When I went to counseling after my breast cancer surgery, the therapist taught me something important:  boundaries are gifts. 

We tend to look at boundaries as barriers, as rudeness, or as avoidance.  But the truth is, healthy boundaries make for great relationships! 

You have to know where you stand and then stand that ground, even when your "feelings" are telling you otherwise.  The thing is, ethics isn't about feelings.  It's about a standard, an understanding, a foundation.  You need to lead with ETHICS, not fleeting feelings regarding circumstances and situations.  

There's no one-size-fits-all for healthy boundaries between members of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents).  There's a lot to consider.  But a relationship without boundaries is very likely to fail.  

Healthy boundaries make expectations very clear.  A lack of boundaries means there will inevitably be confusion, resentment, and miscommunication.

I:  information

You cannot make ethical decisions without being informed. It's really important to get educated on the specific aspects of adoption.  Great resources include articles, blogs, research studies, conferences, documentaries.  But mostly, I've found face to face conversations with adoption triad members to be the most beneficial (a "village").  Being part of an adoption support group is one way to be able to have safe face to face conversations.   

C: commitment

Adoption isn't just a one time event when the judge declares the finalization.  Adoption is a life-long journey that requires commitment from you as the parent.  It means you're always willing to learn more and new information and apply that to your parenting.  It means being committed to parenting an adoptee (and how to go about doing that).  It means following through on your promises to your child's birth family.   And it also means committing to taking care of yourself so you can be the best parent possible to your child.  

S:  sacredness

Sacredness refers to your recognition and respect for your child's adoption story.  Yes, the story involves you.  But the story isn't about you.   Your child's story is THEIR story.  This means you don't tell it to every random who asks about it.  This means you don't post all your child's business on social media to be "consumed" by those casually scrolling.  This means you speak wisely and intentionally about adoption without compromising your child's privacy.  This means you also respect your child's birth family by not airing their "dirty laundry" (meaning, you aren't handing out information and you sure aren't doing so with an air of judgement about their situation).   

The 5 Questions Hopeful Adoptive Moms Ask Me the Most

FAQs.  

I'm on year #13 of being part of the adoption community.  When a hopeful adoptive mom learns I've had quite a bit of experience, I'm often asked one (or more) of these five questions.

What I tell these women first is that what I experience will not be what you experience.  Every adoption journey is unique.  But I know what they want:  a sense of security, a source of knowledge, and a voice that says, "I get where you are, sister." 

1:  How long did you wait?

We waited the longest during our first adoption journey:  14 months.  During that time we probably had 15 profile showings.  Interestingly, almost all our showings were for white baby boys.   Then, on a balmy November, while painting our kitchen, we got THE call.  A baby girl already born.  

Our second adoption journey was quite different. We assumed we would wait a long time, perhaps even longer than our first time, because we were no longer a childless couple.  But we were wrong.  On our very FIRST day of waiting, we were chosen for a baby girl already born.

Our third adoption journey, we assumed, again, that we would wait longer because we already had two children.  Within two months, we were matched, and then within another two months, placed with our son.  

We waited four years to adopt again, and we were matched BEFORE we officially started waiting, got a homestudy done, and waited four months for our daughter to be born. 

It might seem, on the surface, that we've had an easy road.  But as I've shared previously, we had four "failed" adoptions. 

2:  How do you choose an agency? 

This is a BIG question, one I cover in my latest book and in several blog posts, including this one on Christian adoption agencies.  I encourage people to read these.  My #1 piece of advice is to choose wisely and not on numbers (stats of the agency placing babies).  We were very fortunate to find small, ethical adoption agencies that were affordable.  I am a big advocate of using an agency vs. trying to find a placement on your own, mostly because going rogue can lead you to be scammed or to engage in an unethical situation.

*I do not recommend agencies.  Because of the turn over in staff, policies, and laws, it's my policy not to make recommendations to families.  Rather, I offer advice on how to CHOOSE an agency. 

3:  What does an open adoption look like?

Open adoption is different for every relationship.  For us, our open adoptions include:  snail mail, texts, FaceTime calls, e-mails, and visits.   Open adoption is NOT easy or simple; it requires a lot of work, commitment, and flexibility.  You also need empathy and grace in order for the open adoption to be successful.  And there are certainly times the adoption should not be open (or wide open).   We believe open adoption, when healthy, can be great for adoptees.  

4:  How could you afford to adopt?  

We used small, ethical, affordable adoption agencies.  We did not choose to fundraise for our adoptions, though I do encourage families who choose to fundraise to do so graciously and appropriately.   Many families apply for grants as well as fundraise.  I cover fundraising in my new book.  Preview:  my #1 tip?  Don't be tacky.  It's not cute.  

5:  Why did we adopted transracially? 

For the first year of our first adoption wait, we were open to a white child.  It was a rather thoughtless decision.  After a year of waiting, we decided to get educated on transracial adoption.  Once we spent many months researching, reading, and talking, we felt that adopting transracially would be a possibility for us.  I write extensively about being a multiracial family (the joys and challenges).  Race absolutely matters!   Adopting transracially is not a decision one should make lightly.   

And despite our family standing out, we are a real, regular family.  

If you're an experienced mama-by-adoption, what are you asked often by those new to adoption?  If you're a new, waiting parent-to-be, what do you want to know more about?  Hit me up on Facebook or Insta and share/ask away! 

10 Reasons Why You Should Not Adopt a Child

Yes, you read that correctly.

I know what you're thinking:  there are so many children in the world who need a "good and loving" forever family.  Why would I discourage people from adopting?  

The reasoning is this: when you choose to adopt, the child must be the #1 priority.   

Here are 10 reasons why a person should not adopt, and why: 

1:  You are anti-connective and attachment parenting.

Arguably, adoptees have experienced trauma to some degree (the separation from their biological parents, at birth or later, causes trauma).  That's why parenting based on the understanding of trauma is so important when you're raising an adoptee (person who was adopted).  You cannot parent an adoptee the same way you would parent a biological child, though I think Empowered to Connect (that is, parenting based on "connection and then correction") is reasonable to use on all children.  Want to learn more?  Check out The Connected Child.  

Attachment parenting helps a child, who has had the "break" from their biological family and/or subsequently others they have attached to (foster family, another biological family member, etc.), adjust to his or her new family.  Attachment parenting includes actions such as babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding or "bottle nursing," cocooning, and much more. 

2:  You believe "love conquers all" and "love is all you need."

Love is an essential foundation for any healthy relationship, but it is not "all" that a person needs.  To believe that love will tackle and heal all struggles is naive and does adoptees and disservice.  Of course, love is critically important, but it is a base to build upon, not the "be all, end all" to parenting a child who was adopted. 

3:  You want a child to fulfill your dreams.  

Listen, we adopted because we wanted to be parents:  period.  But we DID NOT adopt a child expecting them to be a certain way in order to fulfill our dreams.  Adoptees come with their own genes (that aren't yours), personalities, preferences, needs, talents, gestures, and physical appearance.  They are who they are, and your job is to embrace them, not seek to change them to fit a "mold" you dreamt up.  Some adoptees struggle with feelings of rejection, and to have you, his or her parents, further "reject" him or her would be detrimental.

4:  You believe a newborn baby or young child is a "blank slate."

A woman is pregnant, full-term, for 40 weeks.  That is 40 weeks of development, growth, and learning for the unborn child.  You are not receiving a child with a "blank slate."  Not even close.  Adoptive parents who have been parenting awhile can confirm this for you.  Again, our children are who they are.   

5:  You don't have the support of your "nearest and dearest."

Adoption is a tumultuous journey.  There are so many ups and downs, and you are going to need support.  And not just general support, but specific support that not only embraces the child to come, but also embraces adoption in general.  There are some great resources for your "nearest and dearest" including In On It and Adoption Is a Family Affair.  I highly recommend that you purchase these books for family members and close friends.

6:  Your circle of friends doesn't include people who will be like your future child.

If you plan to adopt, it would make sense to be friends with people in the adoption community who can help guide you for the long-haul.  These individuals include adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.  Joining an adoption support group will help you make connections and friends.  If you're adopting a child of color, do you have friends of color?  What about a child with special needs? 

7:  You plan to "tell all."  

Your child's adoption story is his or her story.  It's not yours to share to satisfy the curiosity of others or to give you "all the feels."  Of course, your child's story overlaps with your story, and you do have a family story.  But you need to be very, very careful to never compromise the trust your child has in you to protect his or her privacy.  Your most important job is to raise your child.  

8:  You believe "color doesn't matter."

If you're adopting transracially, it absolutely matters and will matter forevermore.  There is no blowing off race or pretending not to see it.  Race should be celebrated, not ignored. Acknowledged and embraced.  

9:  You see adoption as "plan B" or "second choice" to having your "own" children.

Sometimes, adoption IS your second or third or fourth opportunity to build a family.  However, it is not, or it should be, labeled as something "less than" to the "best" option of having biological children.  If and until you are at the point in which you can pursue adoption with the heart-set that adoption is the way you want to build your family, hold off on adopting.  It's not fair to your future child for you to see him or her as "less than" anything. 

10:  You see adopting a child as a moment in time and not a lifelong journey.  

Adoption is forever.  It doesn't begin the day you start your homestudy process, and it certainly doesn't end the day the judge declares the adoption final.  Because adoption struggles - and joys too - are lifelong.  Just ask any person in the adoption community!  Because adoption is lifelong, you'll need to be prepared to learn about adoption always!  This is an opportunity, not a chore to be dreaded.   Make sure you have the right mindset before embarking on an adoption journey.  

For more on the domestic infant adoption process, from beginning to forever, check out my latest book.

19 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2019

Happy New Year, readers!   

Per tradition, we're starting the year with a post about the things you need to know about if you plan to adopt this year.  Each item contains a link or links to help get you started on learning about that topic.

1:  Parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a biological child.

2:  Yes, it's OK to have a baby shower for a child you adopt.

3:  Your loved ones (friends and family) will need you to educate them on adoption.

4:  Connective parenting is critically important to understand and implement when you are choosing to adopt. 

5:  Post-adoption depression is a real thing.

6:  Don't assume a Christian adoption agency is an ethical agency.

7:  More and more adoptees are sharing their stories:  via books, blogs, articles, and social media.  (And we're all better for it.)

8:  There are many fantastic family diversity children's picture books to support kids in multiracial families.  

9:  Transracial adoption still confuses (and intrigues) society.

10: Parents need to choose an agency wisely (explained in detail here), because a lot of adoption ethics stem from WHO helps you adopt.

11:  You need an adoption support system in place for when you're waiting to adopt, during an adoption process, and parenting adoptees.

12:  There are many free and fantastic educational resources, including Empowered to Connect videos, blogs and social media pages, and articles; so there's no excuse not to be educated on adoption.  

13:  Learn about the adoption tax credit.

14: Adoptive breastfeeding is becoming more common.

15:  Your faith can absolutely play a big part in your adoption journey and subsequent parenting.

16:  Open adoption is increasingly becoming the norm in domestic infant adoptions, and sometimes in foster care and international adoptions, too. 

17:  DNA testing is advancing and can provide information to adoptees regarding their ethnicity and health.

18:  You might consider fundraising for your adoption journey.

19:   There's no such thing as an "easy" adoption journey, but being educated on the journey can help. 

Yes, You Should Have an Adoption Baby Shower

Several weeks ago, I asked my Facebook followers this question:

The overwhelming response was consensual:  YES!  Have the shower!

I admit, I REALLY wanted as shower when we prepared to adopt twelve years ago.  As soon as we revealed that we were going to adopt, my sister and friend started planning our shower, which happened just a few weeks after we officially started waiting. 

It was everything I hoped for.  Sugary sheet cake and snacks.  Lots of conversation.  And of course, so many gifts.  The ducky theme was gender-neutral and adorable.  

ALL THE FEELS.  

I think what meant the most was how many people turned out to celebrate with us.  My guess is, many had never been to an "expecting a baby" shower before.  In fact, it was my first adoption baby shower.  

If you're going to go the route of having shower, here's my advice:

1:  Don't have the shower for a baby you are matched with (in a domestic infant adoption).  

The truth is, that baby isn't yours.  The love for the baby may be growing rapidly in your heart, but that baby is "the baby" and not "your baby" if and until TPR and revocation are over.   I am not saying to withhold excitement.  I'm not saying "guard your heart" to the point that all pending-motherhood joy is sucked out of your soul.  What I am saying is that you need to respect and honor the expectant parents and the unborn child by being ethical in all your choices:  big and small.  

2:  Keep it gender-neutral.

I read it almost weekly.  Hopeful adoptive parents post about a failed adoption after they already had the baby's nursery completely ready, complete with the baby's name on the wall, and lots of baby goods received at their baby shower, including monogrammed bibs.  I'm not a superstitious/knock-on-wood kind of person.  So I'm not saying "don't jinx the match."  What I am saying is this:  if the adoption doesn't happen, you're choosing so much more pain by walking past an empty nursery with a baby's name on the wall, a baby you will not bring home.   By all means, get a nursery ready, but leave some space for personalization after a placement.  

3:  Register.

So going off point #2, be sure to register.  There are so many benefits to this including avoiding duplicate gifts, getting discounts on future purchases, and more.  Target, for example, offers it's registrants a discount on anything not purchased off their registry.  Registering for gifts also allows you to ask for what you want and need.  Having a registry makes returns and exchanges easier as well.  Registering helps you "nest" for your baby, again, helping you feel that you are a REAL mama-to-be.  

4:  Celebrate the opportunity to educate others.

Expect lots of questions about adoption.  This is a fantastic opportunity to educate others.  We even put an adoption Q and A on the tables for our guests, which our older attendees especially appreciated.  You can use adoption children's picture books to help decorate, as well.  And don't forget to toast your guests for supporting you and loving on your future baby!  

5:  Enjoy.

Many hopeful adoptive moms struggle to feel like Real Expecting Moms (which I talk about extensively in my latest book).  There is so much guilt, confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety that come with waiting to adopt.  This often stems from a good place (ethics and empathy-which you can learn all about in the free e-book I send out).  But bad feelings feel, well, bad.  You have to make up your mind to enjoy your baby shower.  After all, you've attended your fair share of showers, supporting other mothers-to-be.  You need to decide that you ARE a REAL hopeful mom who IS expecting a baby via adoption.  Because of that, it is perfectly OK to enjoy preparing for the baby who will become yours and the motherhood that awaits you.  

5 Important Lessons We've Learned About Parenting Adoptees

I can hardly believe that ten years ago, we completed our first homestudy and started waiting for our first child!  

We thought we knew adoption. After all, we'd met with other families-by-adoption.  We'd read books, articles, and blog posts.  We weren't just hearing.  We were listening, learning, and applying.  

But with time comes experience, and wow, have we had some experiences over the past twelve years (the period of time from when we decided to adopt until now).  Four children placed with us, twenty "rejections," two interim care infants.   

1:  Love isn't enough.  

This is a BIG one.  

Because we're programmed as a society to believe love is all we need.  That love conquers all.  "Live, laugh, love."  You get the point.  

Many adoptees come into their forever families having experienced trauma.  Trauma, as we know, changes the brain.  That's why so many families like mine swear by the book The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, follow attachment parenting techniques, and swear by all the things Empowered Can Connect can offer us.  

Love is a critical foundation, but it isn't enough.  Because adoptees have needs beyond love.  We can't love our children's trauma out of them, nor should we try.  Instead, everything we do is based on love, but we know that we don't start and stop with love.  

The earlier families who choose to adopt understand this, the better off they are, and the more likely their adoptee is to flourish in life vs. suffer in silence, confusion, and frustration.

2:  Initiate adoption conversations.

This was some of the first adoption advice I ever received, and interestingly, I was reminded of it when I read this fabulous young adult, adoption-themed novel.

My friend, mama to a transracial, international adoptee, told me that she used stories that came up in the media to check in with her child about adoption.   

The truth is, your child, at some point (and likely many points) is thinking about his or her adoption.  

When you, as the adult, initiate the adoption conversation, you send your child one very powerful message:  that you are a safe person to approach about adoption.   

I read online ALL the time that adoptees want to search for their biological families, but they are too scared to broach the subject with their parents.  The last thing they want to do is hurt their parents' feelings.  

But what if adoption conversations were normalized from very early on?  What if children knew they were adopted from the get-go?  What if parents reminded their kids, over and over, that adoption-talk is OK?  

3:  Empathy:  always.  

I run a large adoption triad support group, and a few years ago an experienced attachment therapist spoke to our group.  I had the opportunity to speak with her one-on-one, and I asked her about a personal situation we'd encountered with one of our children whom was struggling greatly with an absent birth parent.   And she told me something I'll never forget, that our response, as adoptive parents, should always be empathy.  

Not correction.  Not explanation.  Not a lecture.  Not ignoring or sugar-coating or sweeping under the proverbial rug.   

Take the emotions for exactly what they are, and in return, offer empathy.  

4:  Listen to what your child needs. 

There is a lot of "noise" in the adoption community.  Some of it is so incredibly important, so incredibly crucial, and very helpful.  But some of it isn't.  

There are times, several years ago, that I felt like I could never "measure up" to be the mommy my children needed.  My children were doomed. I was doomed.  We were all doomed.  I felt this way after spending WAY too much time online.

If you notice, those who comment online tend to be one of two extremes on ANY subject.  There is very rarely balance.  Because the people who are in-the-middle usually aren't online passionately arguing.  Why?  Because they are living life!  

My friend Madeleine Melcher, who is both an adoptee and mom-by-adoption, wrote a wonderful book encouraging and educating adoptive parents.  In the book, she stresses over and over the importance of listening to YOUR child.  

Because she knows, and I know, there is no such thing as adoption gospel.  Of course, there are things that are clearly wrong and unethical.  But there are many things, as Madeleine shares, that are in-the-gray.  

Who matters most in any adoption?  It's your child.  So listen to him or her, above all, because as Madeleine says, that is the voice that matters the most.  

(PLEASE buy and read her book!  I promise you will be blessed by it!)  

5:  Tell the truth.  

This is something I say to my kids ALL the time.  That telling the truth is SO much better than lying, concealing, hiding.  Telling the truth, even when it's hard, is always the right thing to do.

This means that your children need to know THEIR truth, and you, as their parent, have the privilege and honor and responsibility of doing so.  

You are always telling your child his or her adoption story, adding details as the child matures and as new information is made known to you.  (This book is incredibly helpful in assisting parents talk to their adoptees and foster children.) 

I know that some of these details aren't pretty.  I know that as a parent, you are scared to tell your child because as a mom, you want to PROTECT your child.  But guess what?  Not telling the truth creates distrust, and it teaches your child that there is something shameful about their story.   

The Bible is right. The truth = freedom.  Freedom allows a child to know the full picture (as full as possible) and to process that picture.  And remember, if you are responding with empathy (point #3), initiating adoption conversations (point #2), parenting with love and then some (point #1), and listening to your child (point #4), you are more likely to be the parent your child needs you to be than if you aren't.  

Friends, I truly believe that adoptees can be raised by woke, loving, empathetic parents.  That's exactly why I wrote The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption.  To give you the book I didn't have twelve years ago.   And I want to thank my readers for all the beautiful e-mails I've received as a result of them reading the book.