Should the Hopeful Adoptive Parents Be Present at the Hospital?

Whoa.

I mean, this is a big question.  One that is controversial in the adoption community.   

I've avoided tackling this for awhile, if I'm being honest.  But I think the time has come.  Time, distance, and experience have given me the courage to write this post.  So, here goes.

For years, I was adamant that hopeful adoptive parents NOT be at the hospital with expectant parents.  I felt this way for a few reasons:

1:  I'd never experienced it.

2:  I was scared of the experience.

3:  I felt the hospital had the potential to be unethical.  

But this ALL changed when not only was I invited to be in the delivery room, but it was INSISTED that I be there. Not by a social worker, not by an adoption agency, not by a lawyer, but by an expectant mother who wanted support.

I.  Was.  Terrified.

Terrified of my own emotions.  Terrified of all the unknowns.  Terrified that I'd do something unethical.  Terrified that I'd fall even more deeply in love with a baby who I couldn't call MY child and with a mama who, no matter what her decision, would leave the hospital with a broken heart.

You see, deep down I knew:  this baby wasn't mine, the expectant mom wasn't "our" "birth" mom, the pregnancy and delivery weren't mine either.   

NOTHING was mine.  Everything was hers.  

And I don't say that out of selfishness, bitterness, anger, or confusion.  I'm sharing it out of acknowledgement.  I believe all hopeful adoptive mamas need to, first and foremost, know exactly what a match is and isn't and do whatever it takes to have an ethical adoption.

Because as I say, time and time and time again, if and until TPR and revocation is over, the parents have every right to parent their child, and there is no promise of placement with the adoptive family.  Nor should there be.   

And, I really, really wanted to protect my own heart and the hearts of my spouse and the children we were already parenting.  There were SO many hearts on the line. 

You see, thus far, we had chosen to have ethical adoptions.  Doing the hardest things that were the right things.  The right things, in the right ways, every time.  To us, there was no question of whether or not we'd have an ethical adoption.  It was an ethical adoption or NO adoption.  PERIOD.  

So why did I agree to be in the delivery room?

Because I made peace with the invitation to be there.  I knew it was not suggested to the expectant mom.  I knew not a soul had told her to do it and listed reasons why.   It was her own, free choice.  And I knew if I said no, she would be in that room alone.  

And we had spent months getting to know one another, and I was ultimately (honestly) invested in her.  I wanted her to feel that she could do whatever she decided, whether that meant parenting or placing.  

And I made this very, very clear.  "No matter what you decide, we support you.  We would be honored to be this baby's parents.  But we also respect your decision to parent this baby."

This sacred conversation happened many times.  I offered this affirmation more times than I could count, as I wanted it to be perfectly clear.

And I promise, I meant every single word.  I did.  

Yes, it was hard at times to imagine leaving the hospital without the baby.  Of course, it would be difficult.  But if it were the choice made, we would support it.  

Jennifer Mossman Photography

I think the choice to be in the delivery room was OK for me for a few reasons.  And these are personal, and certainly cannot be "one size fits all."

1:  We had a lot of adoption experience.  

2:  We had friends from all three points of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees):  and had listened to their thoughts and experiences for many years.

3:  We examined the invitation, at lengths, and then said yes, aware that there was no unethical actions or words behind it.  

4:  We didn't initiate or expect the invitation.  We didn't eagerly and naively accept it either (point #3).  

5:  We felt no person should bring a baby into the world alone.

6:  We understood and articulated, many times, that if the child wasn't to become "our baby," we would support that choice.  

In the end, I am so thankful I was there.  Those moments were sacred, beautiful, hard.  I'm thankful the photos we took and shared with each other.  I'm thankful for hands-in-hands and words of encouragement.  I'm thankful for the beauty in the brokenness.  And yes, we remained ethical.

And I can tell my child, I had the courage and faith to say yes, even when I was terrified to do so.   

Jennifer Mossman Photography

So if you, dear one, are considering the hospital experience, may I shed some wisdom on you, now having been there?  

1:  Do not demand or expect the invitation. 

It's not your baby, it's not "your" "birth" mom, it's not your birth.  None of it is yours.  

2:  Know that a match or hospital experience doesn't mean you will be placed with that child.

There are no promises or guarantees.  Don't try to figure out the likelihood a mom will parent or place.  Let it be.  

3:  Let all decisions be made by mom, if and until you are mom.  

If the hospital staff defers to you for decisions, you need to point them right back to mom.  

4:  Ask to take pictures.

But don't be disrespectful about it.  Ask if it's OK to take pictures, and check in on that often.  Whether or not mom places or parents, you can share those photos with her.  And for the love of all-things-adoption, do not post photos online of a baby who isn't yours.  

5:  Don't hover or assume.

You ask, every single step of the way, what mom wants.  Period.  

6:  Don't sneak around.

Don't ask questions about mom or baby, of the hospital staff or any other professional involved, that aren't your business.   

7:  Don't manipulate.

Don't offer over-the-top gifts, for example, attempting to manipulate the situation. Because trust me, whatever is best for the baby is what is best for all.  (Save those special gifts for after placement if placement occurs.  Too many parents want to give mom a matching bracelet, for example, with a birthstone in it.)  Manipulation = coercion.  Coercion = unethical.  Unethical = not good for anyone.

8:  Know the laws and policies.

What are the TPR and revocation laws?  Don't forget about the child's father, who also has rights.  And know the hospital policies so you don't overstep.  It's best to have a reputable adoption attorney involved, and to be ethical, the birth/expectant couple, the hopeful adoptive family, and the child should each have separate legal representation.

9:  Be proactive without being pushy.

I think it's fine to ask the mom you are matched with, what do you think your hospital experience will look like?  What can we do to support you during that time? And no matter what, be supportive of her decision and understand you may not be privy to her hospital plans.

10:  Don't insist on breastfeeding or doing skin-to-skin at the hospital.

Remember, it's not your baby or your birth.  If the baby is placed with you, you can then make your decisions.   (I was asked by hospital staff if I would do skin-to-skin with the baby right after birth; I declined.) 

11:  Check in:  often.

Is the current "plan" or invitations working OK?  Be clear that you are fine to go elsewhere, leave completely, take a break, etc.  Don't make it about you.  Because it's not about you.

12:  Don't show up with your own posse.  

The hospital experience is not the time for all the grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. to meet the baby.  This is manipulative:  no matter if you intend for it to be or not.  If you're invited to bring someone to the hospital to meet the baby, consider this decision very carefully.

The #1 argument I encounter against hopeful adoptive parents being at the hospital is that there is simply no way their presence can be ethical.  It's often assumed that the mom was coerced into allowing the hopeful parents to be present.  There is no way, arguably, that hopeful parents can be unbiased in every way, all the time, and their very bodies being there is a form of manipulation.

I disagree. 

Yes, there is so much on the line.  And yes, it is VERY hard to be present AND be ethical.  Because at the very heart of the storm is a child and a very big decision for a mama to make.  

But I do not think there is a one-size-fits all approach to the hospital decision.  I don't think it's up to anyone else to judge a mama's decision to invite parents to the hospital: IF she is making that choice by her own free will.   Her reasons are personal, private, and sacred. 

And ultimately, should always be respected by all parties.  

19 Things to Know If You're Adopting In 2019

Happy New Year, readers!   

Per tradition, we're starting the year with a post about the things you need to know about if you plan to adopt this year.  Each item contains a link or links to help get you started on learning about that topic.

1:  Parenting an adoptee IS different than parenting a biological child.

2:  Yes, it's OK to have a baby shower for a child you adopt.

3:  Your loved ones (friends and family) will need you to educate them on adoption.

4:  Connective parenting is critically important to understand and implement when you are choosing to adopt. 

5:  Post-adoption depression is a real thing.

6:  Don't assume a Christian adoption agency is an ethical agency.

7:  More and more adoptees are sharing their stories:  via books, blogs, articles, and social media.  (And we're all better for it.)

8:  There are many fantastic family diversity children's picture books to support kids in multiracial families.  

9:  Transracial adoption still confuses (and intrigues) society.

10: Parents need to choose an agency wisely (explained in detail here), because a lot of adoption ethics stem from WHO helps you adopt.

11:  You need an adoption support system in place for when you're waiting to adopt, during an adoption process, and parenting adoptees.

12:  There are many free and fantastic educational resources, including Empowered to Connect videos, blogs and social media pages, and articles; so there's no excuse not to be educated on adoption.  

13:  Learn about the adoption tax credit.

14: Adoptive breastfeeding is becoming more common.

15:  Your faith can absolutely play a big part in your adoption journey and subsequent parenting.

16:  Open adoption is increasingly becoming the norm in domestic infant adoptions, and sometimes in foster care and international adoptions, too. 

17:  DNA testing is advancing and can provide information to adoptees regarding their ethnicity and health.

18:  You might consider fundraising for your adoption journey.

19:   There's no such thing as an "easy" adoption journey, but being educated on the journey can help. 

5 Things I Used to Believe About Adoption That Weren't True

Over a decade ago, we went from a married couple to a married couple waiting to adopt a baby.  (We were babies ourselves...holy moly!)

Whoa.  

Choosing to adopt was a big step, but it was also one we were head-over-heels for.  We couldn't wait to be parents.  But like most of the general public, what we knew about adoption was limited to the few kids we knew who were adopted, to a movie or two, and several misconceptions and stereotypes.  

We did commit to learning, but experience truly was the best teacher of all.  Because wow, did we believe some things that were simply not true.  

If you're new to adoption, whether you are considering adopting or are waiting, or you are new to adoption, here's what you need to know:

What I thought:  Young children are nearly blank slates.

The truth:  I believe life begins at conception, so I believe that a full-term baby has forty (give or take) weeks with his or her biological mother prior to birth, plus the days or weeks between birth and placement.  That counts.  

After a decade of parenting (and four open adoptions), I know that my children have some very strong personalities, quirks, talents, preferences that were all shaped by their DNA. 

I've shared this story a few times, but it's worth repeating here.  When my oldest was one and her older biological brother was two, they met for the first time.  At one point, all of us parents were chatting and getting to know each other, our backs turned to the two toddlers.  Suddenly we heard a laugh and turned to realized we didn't know which kid laughed:  because their laughs were the EXACT same.  Two kids raised by two different families, sharing one biological parent, had the exact.  same.  laugh.  

What I thought:  Love is enough.

The truth:  Love is the best foundation.  It is a necessity.  It is wonderful.  But it doesn't solve every problem, soothe every ache, or answer every question.   Yes, you need to pour love upon your child, forever and ever, but you also need to be prepared for the challenges that can come with adopting a child.  Read books that prepare you for parenting an adoptee.  Books such as Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, In Their Own Voices:  Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories, and Dear Adoptive Parents:  What You Need to Know Right Now -From an Adoptee. 

What I thought:  Semi-open adoption is the best option.  

The truth:  We thought semi-open adoption would be the easy solution, the perfect compromise.  Safe.  But that half-shut door was thrown fully open the day we met our oldest daughter's biological mother.  We committed to open adoption right then and there, we've never looked back.  Now open adoption has plenty of challenges, and I've written extensively about some of the ups and downs our family had dealt with, along with tips.   

What I thought:  I should be polite and answer people's questions about adoption.

The truth:  Ladies, we are taught to be polite and respectful and kind, and unfortunately sometimes this means we believe we have to attend every party we're invited to.  

It is perfectly fine to tell that nosy stranger "that's private," with no other explanation.  Whether the question be about your fertility ("Why didn't you have your 'own' child?"), about your child's adoption story ("Why was she put up for adoption?"), about your child's race ("Does he look like his father...?"), your child's need, ("What's wrong with her?"), the cost of adoption ("How much did you pay for your child?").   Yes, generally people are just curious, but again, you aren't responsible for educating the world on adoption AND, above all, your job is to protect your child's story, holding it sacred.  Because it's not YOUR story to tell.   Being proactive is really important.  Decide NOW what you are and aren't OK sharing so you aren't caught off guard in the future.  

What I thought:  We'd be chosen by an expectant parent quickly, since we were a childless, educated, financially stable couple. 

The truth:  We waited 14 months, from the time our homestudy was complete to the time we were placed, for our first child.  We had about fifteen profile showings during that time.  And I about lost my mind.  Why? Because I made the waiting part of our journey ALL about ME.  MY desire to be a mommy.  (It didn't help that I'm a control freak and usually anxiety-ridden.)  Talk about tunnel vision!  

Adoption should be first and foremost about the child (the adoptee), even BEFORE that child is known and is placed.  How is that possible, you might wonder.  You pray for the child.  You pray for the child's biological family.  You pour your energy into preparing yourself for motherhood-by-adoption.  You prepare your heart for loving a baby you didn't birth but love, maybe even before you know him or her.  

What is something you believed before that you learned to be false?  

Post Adoption Depression: I've Adopted a Baby, So Why Am I So Sad?

Post Adoption Depression.

It's one of the topics rarely discussed in the adoption community, yet it is more common than you might think.  

Why the silence?  The expectation that new parents and those congratulating new parents holds is this:  that the parents should be completely overjoyed to FINALLY be mom and dad that the typical issues that come with parenthood should be a non-issue for for those who adopt.

Sleepless nights?

#blessed

Baby who refuses to eat?  

 #sograteful

Fussy baby?  

#treasuredmoments

But the truth is, "adoptive" parents are really JUST parents.  With real parental struggles and challenges.  You need to be free to struggle.  (Did you hear that?)  Your baby isn't magical.  You aren't magical.  Parenting is messy.  It's exhausting.  It's hard. It's faith-shaking.  For ALL parents.  

However, there are additional pressures put upon those who adopt.  Pressure to be perfect, thankful, fulfilled parents who enjoy every moment (no matter what) with their beautiful baby.   

So here I am to drop some Post Adoption Depression truth bombs:  

You may not have had the pregnancy hormones and the strain of giving birth, but your struggles were/are no less legitimate and authentic.  Whatever they were and are.  

Post Adoption Depression can set in days, weeks, months, or even years (yes, years) after an adoption takes place.  

Post Adoption Depression can happen for a myriad of reasons, but one that is common is struggling to attach to the baby.  The struggle to attach may be fear (what if the baby ends up going home to his or her biological parents?  what if I'm not good enough to mother this child?), obligation (feeling the need to cling to the relationship formed to the biological parents over forming a bond with the baby), guilt (for becoming a parent to another person's child), sadness (for past losses), or change (adding a child to a family can create emotional, financial, spiritual, marital strain).  You might even be feeling guilty for feeling guilty!  

Pretending NOT to be depressed doesn't make the reality go away.  Post Adoption Depression is legit.   Acknowledge the pain, the struggle.  Call it out for what it is.  That's half the battle.  

If you have Post Adoption Depression, you need help.  You need support (think an adoption support group, an adoption-competent counselor, a spiritual leader, and of course, family and friends).  You need people to tell you your feelings are valid, but who offer you the encouragement to take steps forward.  

You need space:  space to feel the feelings.  It's OK to feel what you are feeling, to acknowledge that feeling, and to deal with that feeling.  In fact, that's healthy!  Because you are going to have that feeling whether you call it out for what it is or not:  so why not just keep it real?  

You need education.  What is it you need to learn more about in order to break free?  To emerge from the fog?   Who can provide those resources for you?  Learning more about a specific topic can empower you, melting away the ignorance (fear), the misconceptions.  Is it the struggles you face in an open adoption?  Special needs adoption? Transracial adoption?  Is it attachment?  Is it past trauma?  

You need action-steps.  What, based on your education, do you know that you need in order to move forward?  Perhaps it's attachment parenting techniques.  Perhaps it's more your time (self care).  Perhaps it's counseling.   Perhaps it's a combination of things.  Whatever is right for you, is right for you.

You need faith.  If you're a person of faith like I am, but you're in the rut of Post Adoption Depression, you've perhaps either turned away from God in this season or turned on God (blaming Him).  Either way, can I tell you I believe God is strong and mighty, and He's waiting for you with open arms despite your feelings toward Him in this moment?  

You need grace.  You will not move forward from any struggle in a matter of seconds.  There's no quick schemes here.  Time.  Space.  Good days and bad.  But the key is to see the issue for what it is, know that you aren't alone, and give yourself grace to stumble. 

You will get back up.  You will press on.  You will be the mommy your child needs.  Because that fire in you?  That's your mommy instinct, burning bright and fierce, and Post Adoption Depression will not have enough water to put it out.  

Maybe right now, your fire feels more like a fragile spark.  That's OK.  You've got something there.  It just needs to be fanned and fed.  Take the steps.  A better day is coming.  

Have you or someone you know faced Post Adoption Depression?  How did you emerge from the fog? 

Creating Your Adoption Profile Book: Advice from an Adoptee

Four.

That's the number of adoption profile books I created.  But not created like sipped-some-tea-while-listening-to-jazz-and-handcrafting-a-profile-book.   No.  Like agonized over.  Every word.  Every photo.  (Being a writer has its downfalls...)  For hours and hours and hours, well until 2 A.M. sometimes.  (Read more about this agonizing process in my latest book.) 

Why are profile books so hard to create?  For one, many of us feel like we just aren't good at it.  Two, writing about ourselves is just weird.  It feels braggy and awkward.   Three, we know what's at stake.  We are putting ourselves "out there" to be evaluated as potential parents.  And that's intimidating! 

If you're struggling to create a profile book, if you've been putting it off because you feel you just cannot ever get it "right" (whatever that means), you are NOT alone.  Which is exactly why today, I'm sharing with you the words of Madeleine Melcher, owner of Our Journey to You, a profile creation and review business.   Now, Madeleine isn't just a business owner, but she's also a book author, mom of three, adoptee, and 2017 Congressional Coalition on Adoption Angel-in-Adoption awardee.

Rachel:  You are both an adoptee and a mom-by-adoption.  How do these two roles impact your profile-creation business?  

Madeleine:  I think that having grown my family through adoption and having been adopted myself allows me to truly understand what families who come to me are going through in terms of the stresses of the actual adoption process and the strong desire in their heart to welcome a child into their family. As an adoptee I think I can better see the whole picture of adoption and that people are not just adopting an infant, but a person who will grow up, have questions and need parents- not “adoptive” parents.  I have a lot of empathy for my own birthmother and I think that has carried over. I have had the opportunity to speak with a number of women who have placed their children and it is important to me that these women receive the honesty and true picture of a family through the adoption profile.

Rachel:  What is the #1 mistake you see hopeful parents make in their profile books?  Why is this mistake problematic? 

Madeleine:  Many of the profiles I see online sound the same.  The text could fit a thousand other families because it is so devoid of the uniqueness that makes the families who they are. There is no doubt in my mind that all of these families are thankful someone is reading their profile, that they are excited to grow their family through adoption, etc. but the expectant family needs and deserves more than that.  What makes the best profile books is text and photos that show and tell the reader about YOU- not the you that you think they want to see, the real you.  I think that families feel they need to be some imaginary version n of perfect with a huge, spotless home, and expensive vacations- they could not be further from the truth.  

Families need to be who they are and it is the specifics of what makes them who they are that will help the reader feel like they have met them for the first time.  Families need to look at their lives and the daily moments they hope to share with a child and convey that through words, captions and absolutely pictures.  If you hang out in your pajamas on Saturday mornings and make pancakes? Awesome!  Include it and definitely take a picture of your smiley face pancake!  Do you get involved in your community with volunteer work or attending cultural fairs or the farmers market?  Tell the reader about it! What are your strengths as a couple and how will that help in your parenting together? 

Don’t give generic answers, let the reader feel like they are getting to know you- is one of you handy and will fix broken bike chains or build a jungle gym?  Is one of you the math guru who will help with geometry homework when the day comes?  If you are single, answer the questions the reader will have before they have to ask.  For example, single women should include what male role models are in their family and specific ways they will be a part of the child’s life.  Families need to stop worrying about being themselves and realize that that authenticity or the lack there of can be felt immediately and does make a difference.  BE YOU is what I tell my families, there is no one else you can or should want to be!

Rachel:  You are for ethical adoptions.  How can a hopeful parent create an ethical profile book?  What does that even mean, exactly? 

Madeleine:  The purpose of adoption is to find loving and permanent homes for children who need them, period.  An ethical profile book begins with the most important part of a relationship, old or new- honesty.  

Hopeful parents must first be honest with themselves as they work through the many pages of “preferences” given to them by their agency.  Can they handle a child with more critical physical or mental health needs? Do they live close enough to the resources they would need for a child who may have those needs? Are they prepared for the question marks of a child who has been drug exposed?  Do they have an extended family wo would welcome a child of another ethnicity?  Are they willing to do what is needed to be sure their child feels represented in their family and life? 

Hopeful families must be honest with the expectant parents who read their profile by showing their authentic selves and not making promises they do not know if they can keep.  If families don’t know if they are open to sharing letters and pictures or if they are open to visits and regular communication with a birth family they should not ever say they would. Families should not feel pressured by anyone into promising a level of openness they are not comfortable with- expectant parents hoe for as many different levels of openness as hopeful families do and the truth is, whatever families think they may want now may change depending on the family they match with and vice versa.  

Knowing you have done all you can to have an ethical adoption is important!  It is important to the family, the birth family and will be one day to the child that was welcomed through it.

Rachel:  You offer profile book creation and profile book reviews.   How does a hopeful parent decide which option is best for them? 

Madeleine:  Sometimes people know right off the bat that they cannot get a profile done as quickly as they would like or that they don’t know where to start or really what to include so they reach out to me solely about creating their profile for them.  I have a workbook for families to use that can get them started as they draft their rough text which I will make suggestions about and sometimes ask them to include more about something that would be of interest to the reader, help them keep text manageable for the reader, add lists and meaningful captions that can draw from what would otherwise be more text and go over all text for adoption appropriate language.  I also speak with the family about what kinds of photos to include, help them choose photos, caption them and do all of the layout.  The layout is created with the family preferences and the guidelines of any agency they are working with and when we are finished if they need agency approval to move to printing I ensure any changes requested are done as quickly as possible and the pages are prepared for upload to printer or Shutterfly for hardback books.  It is really important to me that my families love their profile and that it is ethical and authentic.  People who come to me about reviewing a profile have already completed one on their own and want to be sure they did what they needed to and did not make any glaring missteps, before letting go of their final draft and going to print.  My reviews give comments on the elements of layout, photos, captions, text and adoption appropriate language.  Not only do I let the family know what I suggest they change, edit or add- but I give specific options of ways they can change, add or edit if they choose to.  I have had families that initially come to me for a review decide they just want to start from scratch and they become creation clients—either way, I love to help.  There is never any pressure from me for the client to choose one path or another, I want them to have what they feel will help them achieve the truest, most authentic profile they can- period and that varies from family to family.

Rachel:  What is one message you'd like to send to those considering adoption?  

Madeleine:  Please, when you welcome your child into your home and hearts- BE THE PARENT.  NOT the “adoptive parent”, not the 2^nd parent—THE parent and all the good, bad and in-between that comes with it.  Being the parent means you will do anything and everything you can to meet your child’s needs – whether it is taking them to the doctor when they are sick, telling he or she they were adopted from DAY ONE, teaching them how to dribble a basketball or learn square roots, give the birds and the bees speech or wipe a runny nose—being THE PARENT means being there and helping your child with everything, adoption related or not.  The most important way to know what your child needs is to LISTEN—the more you listen the more your child will talk and when he or she is a teenager you will be glad that is already something you share.  And when it comes to adoption- there is no more important voice than YOUR CHILD’S.  Your child needs you to be the parent- I hope you will meet that need with a fierce and forever love and 2 listening ears.

Connect with Madeleine on her site, on Instagram, and Facebook both here and here.

Dear Sugar: What to Include in Updates to your Child's Birth Family

Dear Sugar:

You sit down at your computer to type an update to your child's birth family and you wind up looking at a blank screen for several minutes, even hours.   Then perhaps you shut down the laptop, go get some ice cream (because that makes everyone feel better), and vow to try again tomorrow.  Yet the cycle repeats itself.  WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I WRITE?, you ask yourself.  

Most domestic infant adoptions these days have some level of openness, and this openness often includes what we call "updates."  An update is pretty self-explanatory.   Doesn't it sound hopeful and reasonable?  But for someone who isn't a writer (or talker or sharer) by nature, updates can be daunting.   So today, I'm here to help!

If you're new to the WSBS community, here's a quick summary of our family.  We've been in the adoption community for a decade.  We have four children, all adopted domestically and at birth, and all of the adoptions are open.  So that means four kids, four open adoptions, and yes, four updates to be written at once!  (I like to send updates at the same time in order to stay consistent and organized). 

Here are some things to include in updates:

• the child's growth, which may include his or her height, weight, size in clothing.  This is especially true of infants who grow rapidly!  
• favorites.  What does the child most enjoy?  Include foods, activities, even specifics like books or tv shows or songs.    
• dislikes.  What drives the child bonkers?  Again, include foods, activities, etc.
• milestones and firsts.  What new accomplishments have occurred since your last update?  First tooth?  First trip to the beach?  First word?  
• medical info.  Did your child have a cold last month?   What about that first broken bone after a bike incident?  How did he or she bounce back?   
• family fun.  Did you take your child on vacation?  What about a weekend visit to Grandma and Grandpa's?  Maybe on Friday nights, your new tradition is popcorn-and-movie nights in your pjs.   
• personality.  Is your child serious or silly?  Does he or she have a certain "look" given to strangers or to a silly aunt? What makes your kiddo special and awesome?  
• holidays and celebrations.  Talk about things like baking sugar cookies together, decorating the Christmas tree, that epic Easter egg hunt with the cousins.  
• funny or sweet quotes.  Have a talker?  Share something funny or sweet the child said.  
• changes.  Is your daughter no longer into Doc McStuffins, but is now on a Nella the Princess Knight kick?  Are the twins trying to potty train?   
• hopes.  What are you looking forward to in the coming month?  A scheduled trip to the zoo?  A certain holiday celebration?  School starting?  

Some have asked me, but shouldn't I ONLY share the "good stuff"? I don't want the birth parents thinking there's something wrong with us (as parents) or the child.   The answer is no!  No you shouldn't just include the "good stuff."  Your child is a human being with likes and dislikes and quirks and flaws.   Illness happens.   Tantrums happen (oh help me, Jesus, with ages 2-4).   

How often should you send an update (however you choose to send it)?   That's really between you and the birth family.  Though infants change SO rapidly, that I think sending updates more frequently in the beginning is perfectly reasonable.   It can also be reassuring and healing for both you and the birth family to update frequently at the beginning of the post-placement relationship.  

Join me on Facebook to discuss adoption updates.  What do you include?  What are you struggling with when it comes to post-placement relationships?  

Dear Sugar: Burning Domestic Infant Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar:

One thing you may not know about my family is that we set out to adoption internationally (Guatemala) first, and our agency warned us the program was going to close soon.  So we then moved on to considering foster care-adoption.   A couple of families from our church had gone that route; however, after many heart-to-heart conversations, we decided not to continue down that path.  We then had two women volunteer to be surrogates for us, to which we decided we weren't interested in building our family that way.  Domestic infant adoption was the last consideration on our list, and here we are, ten years later, having adopted four times via DIA.  
Today I want to answer the DIA questions (and hopefully helpful answers) I'm asked the most.   Let's get started!  

Q:  One reason I'm leaning toward international adoption is because we do not want an ongoing relationship with our child's birth family.  It seems like everyone who adopts domestically is talked or coaxed in to open adoption.  Is it wrong of me to not want to spend a lifetime sharing my child with his or her birth family?  

A:  I facilitate a local adoption support group of 425 women who represent different triad members. Many of these mamas have adopted internationally.  As their children grow up and express interest in learning more about/locating their birth family, the international mamas-by-adoption have faced struggles.  Some of them have no information on their children's birth families (and their child's medical history) which can be emotionally problematic (and physically problematic when it comes to medical situations).   

Now, there is no "right" or perfect adoption route to take.  Every avenue AND every adoption has its pros/cons, joys/struggles. However, you are correct to assume that open adoptions among international adoptees and their birth families are much more rare than in domestic infant adoption.

It sounds like the fear is coming from you, the hopeful parent.  I understand open adoption can be BIG and scary and intimidating.  I also understand that you feel you do not want to "share" your child with his or her birth family, because it's likely you don't have much education on open adoption (so you create scenarios and feelings in your mind).  However, open adoption is a spectrum and the adoption isn't all about you and your needs, fears, and desires; the adoption is about the child. If you opt out of domestic infant adoption simply out of fear, there's a lot going on there besides just avoiding open adoption.   

I suggest you learn as much as you can from adoptees before choosing an adoption route and a level of openness.   And as far as not wanting a lifetime of sharing your child, your child's beginning will always be with his/her birth family, and no adoption route you take can change that.  

Q:  Why does DIA cost SO much?

A:  DIA can cost a small fortune, yes.  But there are also those of us who adopt using small, ethical agencies that operate as a ministry and not as a business.  What do I mean by this?  Of course the adoption cannot be free since agencies (even small ones) have to pay rent and qualified employees, but they do things like not operate a super fancy website, not hire social media managers, not charge families "advertising" and "marketing" fees, not offer posh maternity homes for expectant mothers, etc.  Does this mean you may wait longer for a child than if you paid more and used a "big" agency?  Sure.  But what matters most?  ETHICS!   Now not all "small" agencies are ethical, and yes, big agencies CAN be ethical. There are reasonable fees, and then there is "fluff."  Does "fluff" mean there are placements?  Sure.  But to me, the more "bare bones" the agency is, the more room there is for ethics (because there's less getting in the way).   (What does ethics mean in adoption?  Find out more here.)


Q:  I REALLY want to adopt a little boy.  Yet I feel a slight sense of guilt for having a preference.  Our agency says it's up to us.  Is it OK to be selective about gender?

I wrote about this awhile back, and I stand by it.  I'm opinionated on this matter.  But it's YOUR adoption journey, not mine.  We have never said we would only adopt a boy or a girl.   We are a big, happy family, with three daughters and one son.  I wouldn't change a thing!  

Q:  I'm considering trying to find a match on my own vs. using an agency.  I've read that some hopeful parents opt to market via social media.  Have you tried this?

A:  No, I haven't, and let me tell you why.  1: I'm not willing to put my personal information in public spaces, accessible to anyone.  2: I like the security of having an agency involved, a third party, for the long-haul.  (A good agency will be available for the long haul:  pre, during, and post placement, and not just for you and the birth family, but also for the adoptee.)  3: I am not interested in being both hopeful parent and the expectant parent's social worker/counselor.  That is unethical and it's not healthy.  (Now some choose to hire a third party, a counselor.) 

Now I know many who have gone the independent route and have adopted.  That's their choice and their journey.  I'm merely sharing my reasons for not opting to go that route.   

Let's chat about DIA on Facebook.  What other questions do you have?  What would you add to the answers I provided here?  

Dear Sugar: Meet Jill Murphy, Mom by Birth and Adoption

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I "met" Jill Murphy online.  Soon after, she published her memoir Finding Motherhood, and I was blown away.  Jill placed a son for adoption, then later faced infertility which led her to choosing to adoption two girls internationally. Her story is one that offers us a unique perspective of mothering, loving, mourning, and rejoicing.  

Rachel:  You have a unique connection in that you're a birth mother and a mom-by-adoption.  What have these two experiences and ways of mothering taught you about adoption?  

Jill:  It is a unique situation. It has taught me that there are different ways of becoming a mother. And that falling in love with a child may take time. With my birth son I always loved him. That strong love I had for him help me know that he needed more than I could give at the young age of 18. It was a love that put his needs before my wants. Once we were reunited, I fell in love with him - it was like meeting a stranger and developing the love you feel after you get to know someone. Confusing I know! My daughters I feel as tho I fell in love the minute I saw their picture from the adoption agency and got to hold them in my arms. I would say the one beautiful gift I received with being on both sides of adoption is understanding it better. I am a birth mom of my son - but he has his real mom - I respect that and honor that 100%. I thought of him every day  of his life...wondering how he was and hoping nothing but love and happiness. That made it easy when my daughter asked "I wonder if my birth mom ever thinks about me?" - I could tell her that absolutely she does. I have walked her journey and can use my experience to help sooth the wonder and curiosity of my daughters. I think it has also helped my feel confident in my relationship with my daughters - if they ever wanted to seek their birth mothers, I would be onboard 100%. 

Rachel:  You wrote a book called FINDING MOTHERHOOD.  What compelled you to put your story on paper?  What has the response been like? 

Jill:  When I found my birth son 7 years ago - he was 22. I had realized that a lot of me feelings of loss and grieving never really got processed. It took me 22 years to open up the "closed drawer of feelings". It took my breath away how much healing I had needed. I needed to grieve the loss of placing a child, then the loss of infertility realizing I would never carry a baby with my husband and then the feelings you go through with adoption - proving you are good enough to be someone's mother. A lot of feelings all at once. I started blogging about it and thought that maybe my story could help someone else - there will always be a scared pregnant teen out there, a couple experiencing infertility and couple who adopt...so my book came to be. I have had such a great response. The stories from people of how they had a hard time conceiving, to others who have been adopted and searching. I love connecting with others who share even part pf my story. 

Rachel:  For someone who is considering adopting a child, what advice do you have? 
  

Jill:  My advice for others adopting.....be patient and have a good pen! You feel lost in paperwork, but it is so worth it!!! Patience is key! It is not your traditional 9 month pregnancy...and if you know that going in, you will feel better. Also one thing I wish ALL adoptive parents knew - especially with closed adoptions - is that when a child searches for their birth parents, it is a normal thing. It has nothing to do with YOU as parents. It is all about finding who they look like, where they come from and learning their story before being adopted. It is for the adoptee about finding that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish all adoptive parents could know that and be supportive to their child if and when that day comes. SO many adult adoptees that I know always say "It would kill my parents if they knew I was searching" or "I don't want to hurt their feelings". It is a normal healthy thing to want to find out your past. 

Rachel: What about for someone who is already parenting and has children who are old enough to ask the "big" and "hard" questions about adoption?   

Jill:  Always BE HONEST. I think more so now a days it is open and talked about. Adoption isn't a big bad scary secret that parents keep anymore. The biggest disservice you can give your child is not being honest about them. Talk openly about it - answer questions the best way the age of the child needs. When I met my birth son my girls were 7 and 9 - of course they knew they were adopted because they are Korean and do not look anything like us. But when I had to talk about the choice I made for my son - I had to tell them in a way they could understand. I simply said some woman can carry a baby in their belly AND be a mommy. Some woman can carry a baby in their belly but aren't ready to a mom - maybe they aren't married or too young to be a good mommy and then there are woman that CAN be a good mommy but not carry a baby in their belly. God matches up people. They understood that. As they got older we would talk more about it. Now that they are teens our conversations are much different - as you can imagine! :) 

Rachel:  What are three things you're loving right now?

Jill: Three things I am loving right now...just 3??? Let's see - a quiet cup of coffee in the morning when the rest of the house is sleeping, sunshine of summer and trying to binge watch shows! I love me some TV!