Post Adoption Depression: I've Adopted a Baby, So Why Am I So Sad?

Post Adoption Depression.

It's one of the topics rarely discussed in the adoption community, yet it is more common than you might think.  

Why the silence?  The expectation that new parents and those congratulating new parents holds is this:  that the parents should be completely overjoyed to FINALLY be mom and dad that the typical issues that come with parenthood should be a non-issue for for those who adopt.

Sleepless nights?

#blessed

Baby who refuses to eat?  

 #sograteful

Fussy baby?  

#treasuredmoments

But the truth is, "adoptive" parents are really JUST parents.  With real parental struggles and challenges.  You need to be free to struggle.  (Did you hear that?)  Your baby isn't magical.  You aren't magical.  Parenting is messy.  It's exhausting.  It's hard. It's faith-shaking.  For ALL parents.  

However, there are additional pressures put upon those who adopt.  Pressure to be perfect, thankful, fulfilled parents who enjoy every moment (no matter what) with their beautiful baby.   

So here I am to drop some Post Adoption Depression truth bombs:  

You may not have had the pregnancy hormones and the strain of giving birth, but your struggles were/are no less legitimate and authentic.  Whatever they were and are.  

Post Adoption Depression can set in days, weeks, months, or even years (yes, years) after an adoption takes place.  

Post Adoption Depression can happen for a myriad of reasons, but one that is common is struggling to attach to the baby.  The struggle to attach may be fear (what if the baby ends up going home to his or her biological parents?  what if I'm not good enough to mother this child?), obligation (feeling the need to cling to the relationship formed to the biological parents over forming a bond with the baby), guilt (for becoming a parent to another person's child), sadness (for past losses), or change (adding a child to a family can create emotional, financial, spiritual, marital strain).  You might even be feeling guilty for feeling guilty!  

Pretending NOT to be depressed doesn't make the reality go away.  Post Adoption Depression is legit.   Acknowledge the pain, the struggle.  Call it out for what it is.  That's half the battle.  

If you have Post Adoption Depression, you need help.  You need support (think an adoption support group, an adoption-competent counselor, a spiritual leader, and of course, family and friends).  You need people to tell you your feelings are valid, but who offer you the encouragement to take steps forward.  

You need space:  space to feel the feelings.  It's OK to feel what you are feeling, to acknowledge that feeling, and to deal with that feeling.  In fact, that's healthy!  Because you are going to have that feeling whether you call it out for what it is or not:  so why not just keep it real?  

You need education.  What is it you need to learn more about in order to break free?  To emerge from the fog?   Who can provide those resources for you?  Learning more about a specific topic can empower you, melting away the ignorance (fear), the misconceptions.  Is it the struggles you face in an open adoption?  Special needs adoption? Transracial adoption?  Is it attachment?  Is it past trauma?  

You need action-steps.  What, based on your education, do you know that you need in order to move forward?  Perhaps it's attachment parenting techniques.  Perhaps it's more your time (self care).  Perhaps it's counseling.   Perhaps it's a combination of things.  Whatever is right for you, is right for you.

You need faith.  If you're a person of faith like I am, but you're in the rut of Post Adoption Depression, you've perhaps either turned away from God in this season or turned on God (blaming Him).  Either way, can I tell you I believe God is strong and mighty, and He's waiting for you with open arms despite your feelings toward Him in this moment?  

You need grace.  You will not move forward from any struggle in a matter of seconds.  There's no quick schemes here.  Time.  Space.  Good days and bad.  But the key is to see the issue for what it is, know that you aren't alone, and give yourself grace to stumble. 

You will get back up.  You will press on.  You will be the mommy your child needs.  Because that fire in you?  That's your mommy instinct, burning bright and fierce, and Post Adoption Depression will not have enough water to put it out.  

Maybe right now, your fire feels more like a fragile spark.  That's OK.  You've got something there.  It just needs to be fanned and fed.  Take the steps.  A better day is coming.  

Have you or someone you know faced Post Adoption Depression?  How did you emerge from the fog? 

Dear Sugar: 5 Practical Tips to Get Out of Your Winter Funk

Dear Sugar,

I live in the Midwest where we have extremely hot summers and dreary winters.   These "dead" seasons can be really hard on a woman, whether she's a mom or a hopeful mom.   

Right now, it's post-holidays (no more cheery Christmas music, twinkling trees, or cookie trays) and pre-spring:  it's just winter, but without the glittery snow.   We're seeing a lot of gray skies, windy and chilly days, little sunshine, and too much indoor time.   Motivation = 0.   

If you are in this place, here are five practical ways to get out of the funk:

1:  Lessen screen time.
I know, I know.  But it REALLY does make a huge difference.  Post-election news has been nothing but grim.  The politically polarizing posts on social media are enough to make us all lose our minds. Additionally, I pretty much never feel better after a scroll through my newsfeed, do you?   I encourage you to set limits for yourself, whatever those may be.   For me, Instagram and Pinterest are always happy places, where Facebook tends to suck the patience right out of me (well, the little patience I had).    I'm also in a season where I've decided no social media after 5 p.m. or on weekends.  Whatever works for you, do it.   And if you're brave enough, take a hiatus from social media for a set period of days, weeks, or months like I did.  (Though I will certainly miss interacting with you on my Facebook page.)   I recommend reading Hands Free Mama to motivate you to take the social media break or set the limits you desperately need.  

2:  Read (and Journal).
I know, I just told you less screen time, and when I say read, I mean read an actual book made of paper.  I'm working to pour into my own soul rather than deplete my mental energy.   A few suggestions include Only Love Today, Wild and Free, and 52 Lists for Happiness.   If you're currently in an adoption rut, my friend Madeleine Melcher and I co-authored Encouragement for the Adoption and Parenting Journey: 52 Devotions and a Journal, a book to inspire and uplift.   And there is nothing wrong with picking up some Chick Lit book or a cheap romance novel.   

3:  Movement. 
Notice I said "movement" and not "exercise."  Do something active that brings you energy and inspiration.  For me, a walk, dancing, and lifting free weights does the trick.   For you it might be running, yoga, walking your dog, swimming, or something else.   I never make movement about calorie burning.   For me, movement's #1 benefit is to become more aware of and prioritize my body so I can be more "fit" physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.    Movement helps you sleep better, reduces anxiety, and boosts "feel good" hormones.  I suggest putting movement as a "to do" on your calendar (for me, it's currently Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings) as well as work it in when the opportunity presents itself (see #4).   

4: Get outside.
When the opportunity presents itself, get outside.  We've had a few sunny (and slightly warm) breakthrough days the past few weeks.  We get on our coats and head outside, letting the sunshine kiss our cheeks.  It is amazing how much better we feel after just ten minutes in the Great Outdoors. Linger outdoors whenever you can.  Better yet, combine your commitment to Movement with your outdoor time:  a walk, playing catch or basketball with your partner or child, etc.  

5:  Connect.
Connection is something we are desperately missing these days, and we try to fill that void with more screen time, more food, more work.   But truly, nothing can fill the connection void except...you guessed it, connection.   I'm committing to getting coffee with a friend one morning a week, or two mornings if we don't have any medical appointments.   These moments with my friends have made such a difference in my days.   It's a chance to listen, love, and laugh.    Another connection goal we're establishing in our family is to have reading night every Wednesday evening.  So we do early dinner, early bath time, and then get in our pjs and lay on the living room rug and read, read, read.   My spouse and I plan to continue our reading commitment once the kids go to bed, pulling out our recent favorite books and relaxing together.   Wine included.   A great book to inspire intentional connectivity is Craving Connections, which I'm currently reading.  

Of course, none of these are substitutes for seeking professional intervention if you need it, whether that be seeking a counselor or seeing your doctor to be checked for anemia, depression, or a vitamin deficiency (such as vitamin D).  

What has helped you get out of a funk in the past?  What practical goals can you set for yourself during this season of life so that you can be happier, more motivated, and more energized?  

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