How To Support Your Loved One Who Is Adopting a Child

Your friend or family member has announced some BIG news:  adoption plans!   And if you're wondering, how do I support him or her on this journey?  What are the right words and actions?  

If you're feeling perplexed, you are aren't alone.  

When we were waiting to adopt, especially the first time, we received a lot of well-intentioned responses...but many of them just weren't helpful.  Instead, they were often awkward, uncomfortable, or just "off."  

All is not lost.  You CAN support and support well.  

1:  Ask how they're doing.

Avoid always asking, "Have you heard anything?" or "Anything new?" (both of which is baby-focused).   Instead, ask, "How are you doing with the adoption journey?" and "How can I best support you right now?"  Then, support!  

2:  Offer to host a waiting-for-baby shower.

So many times, adoptive parents are overlooked.  Just because we are building our family in a non-traditional, less-common way, doesn't mean we aren't real parents with true desires to celebrate.  A shower might be more appropriate after the child is placed in the family.  And speaking of baby-showers, don't forget that a shower might be appreciated for an older child.  

3:  Learn as much as you can.

Learn about adoption:  the terminology, the process, the post-adoption needs, and parenting adoptees.  Two great books to check out (for friends and family) include In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption and Adoption is a Family Affair.  Attend an adoption conference alongside your adoptive-parent friend or family member.  Ask your friend or family member for resources. 

4:  Be honest, yet balanced.

It's OK to have your own parenting struggles, to have a biological child (and announce the pregnancy), etc.  If you avoid all "child talk" with your friend or family member who intends to adopt, it will be sensed (AWKWARD) and become an issue in your relationship.  On the other hand, going on and on and on about your breastfeeding struggles gets annoying and uncomfortable for your loved on.  Be sensitive to your friend or family member's journey, but don't hide behind your own.  

5:  Be thoughtful.

Send a "thinking of you" card, buy them an adoption book or a book for their future child, take them on a coffee date (just because), etc.  You know your loved one well:  what would best minister to them as they wait?  

How have you learned to support those who are choosing to adopt? 

The 5 Books On Race You Must Read If You've Adopted Transracially

I have managed to devour several books this year, almost all of them focused on race.

They are deep reads.  They are challenging reads.  They are necessary reads.

As I've shared time and time again, if you decide to adopt transracially, you need to be in it for the long haul.  Many adults find melanin-rich kids "cute" when they are young, but there's a shift as the children get older.  You can see it in the adults' eyes.  You can hear it in their comments.  You can see it in their newsfeeds.  

And we, the parents, need to be prepared.  We need to get woke.  We need to stay woke.   

Here are five books I highly recommend you put on your must-read list, whether you are preparing to adopt transracially or already have:

1:  I'm Still Here:  Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness



"Austin Channing Brown's first encounter with a racialized America came at age 7, when she discovered her parents named her Austin to deceive future employers into thinking she was a white man. Growing up in majority-white schools, organizations, and churches, Austin writes, "I had to learn what it means to love blackness," a journey that led to a lifetime spent navigating America's racial divide as a writer, speaker and expert who helps organizations practice genuine inclusion." -from Amazon description

2:  So You Want to Talk About Race



"In this New York Times bestseller, Ijeoma Oluo explores the complex reality of today's racial landscape--from white privilege and police brutality to systemic discrimination and the Black Lives Matter movement--offering straightforward clarity that readers need to contribute to the dismantling of the racial divide." -from Amazon description

3:  Dear White Christian:  What Every White Christian Needs to Know About How Black Christians See, Think, and Experience Racism in America



"In the fall of 2014, during the racial and cultural events in Ferguson, MO, Aaron Layton desperately wanted to know what was going on in the minds of his white colleagues, friends, and fellow church members. So, he did what comes naturally to him, but might seem unnatural to many. A trusted white friend responded: Here is the deal: we don't understand it; we don't know what to say; and we don't know what to do. That response propelled Aaron to action to deepen the understanding of his white friends, with the hope that greater understanding would result in a greater unity believers possess in Christ. The lessons he learned are the foundation of this book a letter to the white Christians he dearly loves, as well as those he hopes to one day meet. Dear White Christian is designed for any white Christian who seeks practical tools for beginning or continuing conversations with black brothers and sisters in Christ. As you read this book, lean into that which makes you uncomfortable. Allow this letter to give you insight and challenge you for the glory of God." -from Amazon description

4:  White Awake:  An Honest Look at What It Means to be White





"Daniel Hill will never forget the day he heard these words: "Daniel, you may be white, but don't let that lull you into thinking you have no culture. White culture is very real. In fact, when white culture comes in contact with other cultures, it almost always wins. So it would be a really good idea for you to learn about your culture." Confused and unsettled by this encounter, Hill began a journey of understanding his own white identity. Today he is an active participant in addressing and confronting racial and systemic injustices. And in this compelling and timely book, he shows you the seven stages to expect on your own path to cultural awakening. It's crucial to understand both personal and social realities in the areas of race, culture, and identity. This book will give you a new perspective on being white and also empower you to be an agent of reconciliation in our increasingly diverse and divided world." -from Amazon description

5:  The Hate U Give

 

"Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed.

Soon afterward, his death is a national headline. Some are calling him a thug, maybe even a drug dealer and a gangbanger. Protesters are taking to the streets in Khalil’s name. Some cops and the local drug lord try to intimidate Starr and her family. What everyone wants to know is: what really went down that night? And the only person alive who can answer that is Starr.

But what Starr does—or does not—say could upend her community. It could also endanger her life." -from Amazon description

Creating Your Adoption Profile Book: Advice from an Adoptee

Four.

That's the number of adoption profile books I created.  But not created like sipped-some-tea-while-listening-to-jazz-and-handcrafting-a-profile-book.   No.  Like agonized over.  Every word.  Every photo.  (Being a writer has its downfalls...)  For hours and hours and hours, well until 2 A.M. sometimes.  (Read more about this agonizing process in my latest book.) 

Why are profile books so hard to create?  For one, many of us feel like we just aren't good at it.  Two, writing about ourselves is just weird.  It feels braggy and awkward.   Three, we know what's at stake.  We are putting ourselves "out there" to be evaluated as potential parents.  And that's intimidating! 

If you're struggling to create a profile book, if you've been putting it off because you feel you just cannot ever get it "right" (whatever that means), you are NOT alone.  Which is exactly why today, I'm sharing with you the words of Madeleine Melcher, owner of Our Journey to You, a profile creation and review business.   Now, Madeleine isn't just a business owner, but she's also a book author, mom of three, adoptee, and 2017 Congressional Coalition on Adoption Angel-in-Adoption awardee.

Rachel:  You are both an adoptee and a mom-by-adoption.  How do these two roles impact your profile-creation business?  

Madeleine:  I think that having grown my family through adoption and having been adopted myself allows me to truly understand what families who come to me are going through in terms of the stresses of the actual adoption process and the strong desire in their heart to welcome a child into their family. As an adoptee I think I can better see the whole picture of adoption and that people are not just adopting an infant, but a person who will grow up, have questions and need parents- not “adoptive” parents.  I have a lot of empathy for my own birthmother and I think that has carried over. I have had the opportunity to speak with a number of women who have placed their children and it is important to me that these women receive the honesty and true picture of a family through the adoption profile.

Rachel:  What is the #1 mistake you see hopeful parents make in their profile books?  Why is this mistake problematic? 

Madeleine:  Many of the profiles I see online sound the same.  The text could fit a thousand other families because it is so devoid of the uniqueness that makes the families who they are. There is no doubt in my mind that all of these families are thankful someone is reading their profile, that they are excited to grow their family through adoption, etc. but the expectant family needs and deserves more than that.  What makes the best profile books is text and photos that show and tell the reader about YOU- not the you that you think they want to see, the real you.  I think that families feel they need to be some imaginary version n of perfect with a huge, spotless home, and expensive vacations- they could not be further from the truth.  

Families need to be who they are and it is the specifics of what makes them who they are that will help the reader feel like they have met them for the first time.  Families need to look at their lives and the daily moments they hope to share with a child and convey that through words, captions and absolutely pictures.  If you hang out in your pajamas on Saturday mornings and make pancakes? Awesome!  Include it and definitely take a picture of your smiley face pancake!  Do you get involved in your community with volunteer work or attending cultural fairs or the farmers market?  Tell the reader about it! What are your strengths as a couple and how will that help in your parenting together? 

Don’t give generic answers, let the reader feel like they are getting to know you- is one of you handy and will fix broken bike chains or build a jungle gym?  Is one of you the math guru who will help with geometry homework when the day comes?  If you are single, answer the questions the reader will have before they have to ask.  For example, single women should include what male role models are in their family and specific ways they will be a part of the child’s life.  Families need to stop worrying about being themselves and realize that that authenticity or the lack there of can be felt immediately and does make a difference.  BE YOU is what I tell my families, there is no one else you can or should want to be!

Rachel:  You are for ethical adoptions.  How can a hopeful parent create an ethical profile book?  What does that even mean, exactly? 

Madeleine:  The purpose of adoption is to find loving and permanent homes for children who need them, period.  An ethical profile book begins with the most important part of a relationship, old or new- honesty.  

Hopeful parents must first be honest with themselves as they work through the many pages of “preferences” given to them by their agency.  Can they handle a child with more critical physical or mental health needs? Do they live close enough to the resources they would need for a child who may have those needs? Are they prepared for the question marks of a child who has been drug exposed?  Do they have an extended family wo would welcome a child of another ethnicity?  Are they willing to do what is needed to be sure their child feels represented in their family and life? 

Hopeful families must be honest with the expectant parents who read their profile by showing their authentic selves and not making promises they do not know if they can keep.  If families don’t know if they are open to sharing letters and pictures or if they are open to visits and regular communication with a birth family they should not ever say they would. Families should not feel pressured by anyone into promising a level of openness they are not comfortable with- expectant parents hoe for as many different levels of openness as hopeful families do and the truth is, whatever families think they may want now may change depending on the family they match with and vice versa.  

Knowing you have done all you can to have an ethical adoption is important!  It is important to the family, the birth family and will be one day to the child that was welcomed through it.

Rachel:  You offer profile book creation and profile book reviews.   How does a hopeful parent decide which option is best for them? 

Madeleine:  Sometimes people know right off the bat that they cannot get a profile done as quickly as they would like or that they don’t know where to start or really what to include so they reach out to me solely about creating their profile for them.  I have a workbook for families to use that can get them started as they draft their rough text which I will make suggestions about and sometimes ask them to include more about something that would be of interest to the reader, help them keep text manageable for the reader, add lists and meaningful captions that can draw from what would otherwise be more text and go over all text for adoption appropriate language.  I also speak with the family about what kinds of photos to include, help them choose photos, caption them and do all of the layout.  The layout is created with the family preferences and the guidelines of any agency they are working with and when we are finished if they need agency approval to move to printing I ensure any changes requested are done as quickly as possible and the pages are prepared for upload to printer or Shutterfly for hardback books.  It is really important to me that my families love their profile and that it is ethical and authentic.  People who come to me about reviewing a profile have already completed one on their own and want to be sure they did what they needed to and did not make any glaring missteps, before letting go of their final draft and going to print.  My reviews give comments on the elements of layout, photos, captions, text and adoption appropriate language.  Not only do I let the family know what I suggest they change, edit or add- but I give specific options of ways they can change, add or edit if they choose to.  I have had families that initially come to me for a review decide they just want to start from scratch and they become creation clients—either way, I love to help.  There is never any pressure from me for the client to choose one path or another, I want them to have what they feel will help them achieve the truest, most authentic profile they can- period and that varies from family to family.

Rachel:  What is one message you'd like to send to those considering adoption?  

Madeleine:  Please, when you welcome your child into your home and hearts- BE THE PARENT.  NOT the “adoptive parent”, not the 2^nd parent—THE parent and all the good, bad and in-between that comes with it.  Being the parent means you will do anything and everything you can to meet your child’s needs – whether it is taking them to the doctor when they are sick, telling he or she they were adopted from DAY ONE, teaching them how to dribble a basketball or learn square roots, give the birds and the bees speech or wipe a runny nose—being THE PARENT means being there and helping your child with everything, adoption related or not.  The most important way to know what your child needs is to LISTEN—the more you listen the more your child will talk and when he or she is a teenager you will be glad that is already something you share.  And when it comes to adoption- there is no more important voice than YOUR CHILD’S.  Your child needs you to be the parent- I hope you will meet that need with a fierce and forever love and 2 listening ears.

Connect with Madeleine on her site, on Instagram, and Facebook both here and here.

Dear Sugar: 5 Powerful Lessons Adoption Has Taught Me

Dear Sugar,

National Adoption Month continues, and today I'm sharing with you five powerful lessons adoption has taught me over the past decade.  

1:  Slow down, future mommy.

I'm typically a (quickly) decisive person, which is mostly a good thing, but can also backfire.  It's so important when you choose to adopt that you slow down and really simmer in your options before making decisions.  Don't be in such a rush to become a mommy that you don't put on your mommy-to-be hat and ask yourself, What will this choice potentially mean for our future child?   Because in adoption, hopeful parents hold a lot of power:  we make most of the decisions.  Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.  Every choice you make has effects on tomorrow.

2:  Never stop getting educated.

Finalizing an adoption is a one-time legal process, but parenting adoptees is an ongoing journey. A parent is never too experienced or too educated.  Be part of an adoption support group, read articles and books, attend conferences.  Be proactive instead of waiting to be reactive.  

3:  Be the parent your child needs.

My dear friend Madeleine wrote an inspirational book on her experiences as an adoptee and how parents-by-adoption can apply her insight to their lives.  In the book, she stresses over and over that parents who adopt the child need to have the courage and conviction to be the parent their child needs them to be.  In a world that's very noisy and distracting, Madeleine reminds us to get grounded and stay grounded.

4:  Stop surfing.

I believe in this so firmly that I dedicated a chapter of my book to it.  With information, with adoption profiles, with social media being at our fingertips 24/7/365, we can sometimes become so buried in a virtual adoption world that we lose sight of what matters most:  the people right next to you.  Pause for a moment and ask, is what I'm doing right now helping or harming?  Recent studies show that spending a lot of time online leads to less happiness.

5:  Be ethical.

Adoption ethics should be the basis in which you make every choice.  And as I share in my new book, parents (or hopeful parents) almost always know what the ethical choice is:  they just have to have the courage and conviction to make that right decision.  Above all, know that when you always make the ethical choice, when you face your child you'll be able to tell him or her, with a clear mind and heart, that you did the right thing even when it was difficult.

What lessons have you learned thus far on your adoption journey?  Share with me on Facebook.  

Dear Sugar: Is It OK to Be Grateful for Adoption?

Dear Sugar,

Grateful is one of those words we hear often during the holiday season, especially around this month when we celebrate "Thanks"giving.  

We know that thankfulness and gratefulness have a messy relationship with adoption.  We don't want our children, adoptees, to feel that they MUST be grateful for being adopted by us.  Even though society tells them (via all the random strangers at the grocery store) that they are "so lucky" to have "such great parents."  We have to combat this, constantly, and remind others that WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES.

But what about us, as the parents-by-adoption?  Are we allowed to feel grateful for being chosen to parent our children?  Are we allowed to thank God that our paths crossed with the (then) expectant parents who decided we were qualified to parent our kids?  

First, we parents are allowed to have feelings.  Just because we are parents-by-adoption, it doesn't mean we are immune to being human.   It's not the feelings we have that matter most, I argue, but what we do with them.  Obviously you shouldn't use your feelings to project onto your child how he or she should feel.  You embrace them as an individual and see where their journey takes them, supporting that.   

Second, if are you in the camp of being grateful, I want you to know that you aren't alone.  Being grateful for the OPPORTUNITY to parent our children is very common among parents-by-adoption. Am I grateful for the circumstances in which led their biological families to consider and choose adoption?  No.  Am I thankful that in those circumstances, they had the option to choose adoption?  Yes.  Am I thankful for the blessing of parenting my children?  Absolutely.   

Finally, we need to support our children, the adoptees, in their own feelings.  My friend Madeleine wrote this incredible book.  As an adoptee, she spends every page addressing the parent-by-adoption, offering advice and encouragement.  Do you know one thing she talks about in the book?  Being thankful for her parents and the life that she's had so far.  But this isn't just her attitude about adoption:  she lives her life steeped in gratitude.  But if you have a child who struggles with adoption, that's OK.  Because if you're an ethical, educated parent, you are going to embrace whatever comes your child's way, and you are going to help him or her navigate.  

Like anything in adoption, the answers are often complex and bittersweet.  Being grateful is not an exception.   But also like anything in adoption, you can respond to real feelings with grace, with education, with yes, gratefulness.   

What are you grateful for this month?  Let's chat on Facebook.   

Dear Sugar: The Three Places Where It's Challenging to be a Mom-By-Adoption

Dear Sugar:

I'm not one to complain much.  Well, except to my husband.   (Lucky him.)  Generally speaking, I'm a SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP kind of girl.  I take more of an activist approach. Something not-so-great happens, and I write about it. Then that spreads, getting the message out that saying or doing a certain thing isn't cool.    

If you're already a parent-by-adoption, you've probably encountered at least one of these situations when it's challenging to be the "adoptive" parent.   

1:  The medical office.  

First, health history forms.  Those can get tricky.  Many parents-by-adoption don't have a complete health history on their kiddos, a reliable health history, or some don't have health history at all.  This of course leads you to explain that your child was adopted.   It's not a secret or anything to be ashamed of, but it can open the door to irrelevant questions and undesired judgments.  

Here are some for-real things that happened to us at medical appointments:

-"So you're foster mom?"  No.  "Um, adoptive mom?"  No.  Just mom.  "Well I have to put something on this form..."  

-"I'm going to finish registering your daughter for her tonsillectomy.  I need to see your papers."  What papers? "Adoption papers."I don't carry those with me.  She's my child.  We have the same last name and she's on my insurance card.  "Your doctor might need to see those papers."  Her doctor knows she's my daughter, and she was adopted at five days old.  I don't carry around any papers.   

-"Are you going to tell your girls their adopted?" (They were sitting RIGHT next to me.)  

We've had stuff like this happen so many times that I wrote an entire blog post to medical professionals that got some STRONG reactions from the adoption community.  

2:  The mommy get-together.

There's a Mommy Club that we moms-by-adoption simply aren't a part of.  The Club emerges when conversations turn away from the basics (names of children, ages, funny stories, quirks, developmental milestones) an to the moms:  childbirth, breastfeeding, who the child looks like, etc.  Usually these do not bother me, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood.  No one likes feeling left out, isolated, or othered.  Though most mommies are perfectly nice, supportive, kind, encouraging people, their mommy-boasting can get under our skin, reminding us that we are different.  

3:  The school. 

The school presents similar problems to the medical office.  Forms and school projects can be particularly unnerving.  School projects involving family trees, timelines (like draw and label five significant events from your life), and family photos can present extra challenges for kids and their parents.  Some schools even present forms to parents asking if the parent is a biological parent, guardian, foster parent, or adoptive parent, even asking similar things about the child, outright asking on the form, "Adopted?" Of course, some information is relevant.   

Oftentimes, all of these awkward-uncomfortable-frustrating situations occur due to lack of education.  This is not be excusing people who are rude and intrusive.  There's a difference between ignorance and nosiness.   

I want you to know that the longer you are a parent, the more confidence you will gain.  (I packed my education and experiences into my latest book:  for you!)  You'll have tried-and-true responses to some of these situations.  And if you feel so inclined, especially in situations where the problems involve someone who will have a long-standing relationship with your child (say his/her doctor or teacher), provide education.   Books, blog posts, articles.  And finally, remember to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what is best for your child, the adoptee.  

Those who are truly good people will take Angelou's truth to heart: that they're trying their best, but after learning, they do better next time.  

Dear Sugar: Burning Domestic Infant Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar:

One thing you may not know about my family is that we set out to adoption internationally (Guatemala) first, and our agency warned us the program was going to close soon.  So we then moved on to considering foster care-adoption.   A couple of families from our church had gone that route; however, after many heart-to-heart conversations, we decided not to continue down that path.  We then had two women volunteer to be surrogates for us, to which we decided we weren't interested in building our family that way.  Domestic infant adoption was the last consideration on our list, and here we are, ten years later, having adopted four times via DIA.  
Today I want to answer the DIA questions (and hopefully helpful answers) I'm asked the most.   Let's get started!  

Q:  One reason I'm leaning toward international adoption is because we do not want an ongoing relationship with our child's birth family.  It seems like everyone who adopts domestically is talked or coaxed in to open adoption.  Is it wrong of me to not want to spend a lifetime sharing my child with his or her birth family?  

A:  I facilitate a local adoption support group of 425 women who represent different triad members. Many of these mamas have adopted internationally.  As their children grow up and express interest in learning more about/locating their birth family, the international mamas-by-adoption have faced struggles.  Some of them have no information on their children's birth families (and their child's medical history) which can be emotionally problematic (and physically problematic when it comes to medical situations).   

Now, there is no "right" or perfect adoption route to take.  Every avenue AND every adoption has its pros/cons, joys/struggles. However, you are correct to assume that open adoptions among international adoptees and their birth families are much more rare than in domestic infant adoption.

It sounds like the fear is coming from you, the hopeful parent.  I understand open adoption can be BIG and scary and intimidating.  I also understand that you feel you do not want to "share" your child with his or her birth family, because it's likely you don't have much education on open adoption (so you create scenarios and feelings in your mind).  However, open adoption is a spectrum and the adoption isn't all about you and your needs, fears, and desires; the adoption is about the child. If you opt out of domestic infant adoption simply out of fear, there's a lot going on there besides just avoiding open adoption.   

I suggest you learn as much as you can from adoptees before choosing an adoption route and a level of openness.   And as far as not wanting a lifetime of sharing your child, your child's beginning will always be with his/her birth family, and no adoption route you take can change that.  

Q:  Why does DIA cost SO much?

A:  DIA can cost a small fortune, yes.  But there are also those of us who adopt using small, ethical agencies that operate as a ministry and not as a business.  What do I mean by this?  Of course the adoption cannot be free since agencies (even small ones) have to pay rent and qualified employees, but they do things like not operate a super fancy website, not hire social media managers, not charge families "advertising" and "marketing" fees, not offer posh maternity homes for expectant mothers, etc.  Does this mean you may wait longer for a child than if you paid more and used a "big" agency?  Sure.  But what matters most?  ETHICS!   Now not all "small" agencies are ethical, and yes, big agencies CAN be ethical. There are reasonable fees, and then there is "fluff."  Does "fluff" mean there are placements?  Sure.  But to me, the more "bare bones" the agency is, the more room there is for ethics (because there's less getting in the way).   (What does ethics mean in adoption?  Find out more here.)


Q:  I REALLY want to adopt a little boy.  Yet I feel a slight sense of guilt for having a preference.  Our agency says it's up to us.  Is it OK to be selective about gender?

I wrote about this awhile back, and I stand by it.  I'm opinionated on this matter.  But it's YOUR adoption journey, not mine.  We have never said we would only adopt a boy or a girl.   We are a big, happy family, with three daughters and one son.  I wouldn't change a thing!  

Q:  I'm considering trying to find a match on my own vs. using an agency.  I've read that some hopeful parents opt to market via social media.  Have you tried this?

A:  No, I haven't, and let me tell you why.  1: I'm not willing to put my personal information in public spaces, accessible to anyone.  2: I like the security of having an agency involved, a third party, for the long-haul.  (A good agency will be available for the long haul:  pre, during, and post placement, and not just for you and the birth family, but also for the adoptee.)  3: I am not interested in being both hopeful parent and the expectant parent's social worker/counselor.  That is unethical and it's not healthy.  (Now some choose to hire a third party, a counselor.) 

Now I know many who have gone the independent route and have adopted.  That's their choice and their journey.  I'm merely sharing my reasons for not opting to go that route.   

Let's chat about DIA on Facebook.  What other questions do you have?  What would you add to the answers I provided here?  

Dear Sugar: When You're Tired of Being an Adoption Spokesperson

Dear Sugar:

For some of you, adoption is new and exciting.  You might want to talk about adoption to anyone and everyone who asks.  You are proud of your family.   I get it. I've been there.  

But for those who have been on the journey for awhile, sometimes we get to a point where we're tired of being Ms. Adoption Spokesperson.   For one, our family is just that:  our family.  Not our "adoptive" family.  For another, we're just going about our business, busy as every other mom, when someone yet again wants to know THE story.  Finally, the attention (and interrogations) may be upsetting or annoying to our children.   

What is an experienced mom to do when they reach that point of adoption-education burnout?   

1:  Ask your child, the adoptee, what he/she wants.

When a stranger approaches you, AGAIN, with a question or comment or hair-stroking (no, just no), what would your child like to see happen?  Because he or she is at the center of the stranger's questions or comments, so I believe he or she should have the power to decide what happens next. Would the child prefer to speak for himself/herself or prefer you answer?  What type of "answer" should be given, if any?   

2:  Hand the person a card.

If you're a blogger or have worked with an adoption agency you're happy with (and is, of course, ethical), hand over a business card. Say, "It sounds like you're interested in adoption.  You can get more info here."  Then smile and walk away or change the subject.   Usually I can tell if someone is truly interested in adoption (they usually state up-front their adoption connection) vs. just being nosy. Either way, their intent and motivation is irrelevant to what your child wants and needs (point #1). 

3:  Reflect.

Why are you currently annoyed or tired of the questions and comments?  Is there some unresolved feelings?  Are other things going on in your life, and an "interruption" by a stranger is encounter that sets you over the emotional edge?   Whatever it is, find a healthy way to journey through so that your struggles don't negatively impact your child.  

4:  Take a (personal) break.

It's OK not to be ALL about adoption ALL of the time.  If you've been consumed a little too much with your own adoption education, it's OK to take a break or a step back.  Some areas you may be too committed:  online adoption groups, reading about adoption (books, blogs, articles), or attending a support group.   Negative feelings and experiences in these areas can bleed into your personal life, which isn't always helpful or healthy.  

Dear Sugar: It's My Baby's Birthday!

Dear Sugar:

Today is my baby girl's first birthday!  I'm completely head-over-heels for our little queen, affectionately nicknamed Juice. Everywhere we go, people stop in their tracks and can't help but grin. She is sunshine.  She is joy.  She is beauty.  Her siblings cannot get enough of her. 

It feels like it was just yesterday that I shared with you the happy news that we were parents again.  We kept our long match quiet out of respect for her birth family and, if I'm honest, to protect my own hearts.  We were dealing with our own colliding emotions, explaining adoption (again) to our children, including what a match means, while also trying to still live life as normally as possible.

Ali Cummins Photography

In my new book, I talk about what it was like to wait for her.  I did the one thing I said I would NEVER do: fall in love with a baby who wasn't mine.

Sugar, no matter how many times you've adopted, it is never easy or simple or quick. There are always challenges, moments where the bittersweetness is nearly palpable.  If you are person committed to ethics like we are, you work really hard to maintain an ethical distance while also being in the match with your whole heart.  It is such a difficult balance to strike, but it's necessary.  (If you're thinking, what are ethics? What's an ethical adoption?  Please check out my extensive explanation and guidance here.) You want to be able to look your child in the eyes and say:  I did the right things, at the right times, always, no matter how difficult it was.  

Ali Cummins Photography

I do not know what else God has in store for our family.   But my heart is beautifully full right now:  three daughters and a son, all of whom came to our family by domestic, infant, open, transracial adoption, all of which started with a devastating diagnosis.  Our home is loud, oftentimes chaotic, silly.  There are tears and hugs and joys and frustrations.  There's a ton of food: always.  The kitchen dance parties are EPIC.   

These beautiful babies, whom I didn't birth but have the honor of raising, are the most incredible human beings.  I am thankful for their birth parents who chose me to be the kids' mommy.   The privilege of being chosen is something I hold sacred.  

As for today?  It's smooches and a smash cake and presents, all in celebration of our baby girl!  

Dear Sugar: Cultivate, Motherhood by Adoption, and Faith, an Interview with Lara Casey

Dear Sugar,

What do these words have in common?

• Cultivate
• Adoption
• Faith

They're all covered by creator, writer, and mom Lara Casey.

If you haven't met Lara yet, you need to. I have a mad mommy crush on her Instagram account and her new book Cultivate. Lara is the real deal: authentic, passionate, and genuine. I recently had the opportunity to ask her five questions. Enjoy!

Rachel: The #1 thing women seem to struggle with is the relentless pursuit to "do it all."  I personally believe in not doing it ALL, but doing a few things one is passionate about (and doing them well).  Yet, it's difficult.  Women are conditioned to say "yes" (to be polite and willing) at all times, yet doing so leaves us empty and exhausted.  Can we please talk about this?   How do women change the conversation in our own heads from "doing it all" for the sake of others to "doing you" and loving life?  

Lara: I love this question, because answering this will lead us to the root of so much heartache we often experience. Let's look at why we have so much (we perceive) we must do. Often, we load our plates with to-do's that we think we should have because someone else is doing something that we feel will help us find happiness, contentment, or success in the same way as them. Comparison gets us so far off the path we were uniquely created to travel. We see other's lives on social media, or in business, or even in church communities, and we compare our lives to theirs. And as a result, we end up with to-do lists that are filled with things that distract us rather than focus us on our unique priorities. We can't do it all and do it well, but we can choose to cultivate what matters. This means stewarding what we've been given well: our time, our money, our relationships, etc. When we focus on growing what we've been entrusted with, and not what someone else is growing, our lives and time become simplified. It doesn't mean it won't be hard work, but we won't be doing someone else's hard work in the process.

Rachel: Your new book Cultivate has such a simple, beautiful title.  What does "cultivate" mean to you, and how do you manifest this in your own life?

Lara: Cultivate is a rich word that God uses a few times in scripture. The Hebrew word used for “cultivate” in Genesis 2:15 is the same word translated “serve” in Joshua 24:15: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Cultivating an intentional life is about serving the Lord for His purposes and growing what matters with Him. For me, cultivating happens when I plant a seed of faith in the hearts of my children through praying for them, telling them what the Lord is teaching me, or loving them and showing them His grace. Cultivating is about digging into the hard soil to plant seeds in faith and grow good things alongside the Lord.

Rachel: The very bottom of your blog quotes 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love..."   Why this verse?  What does it teach women?  

Lara: When my husband and I were in a long season of marriage challenges, I feared it was impossible for anything to change. But God made the impossible happen. Sometimes love means taking a leap of faith to believe in what we can't yet see, and that's so much of what I experienced as He put our marriage back together. When I chose to step into the hard stuff with Him, believing in what felt impossible, it's not that He necessarily moved more, but I sure did notice Him more! And that made me bold to keep stepping out on faith. Those steps forward added up.

Rachel: Let's shift gears.  You're a mom by birth and adoption.  My readers are all moms who have adopted, are waiting to adopt, or are considering adoption.  Can you offer a bit of advice or encouragement to those on the adoption journey?  

Lara: I read countless blog posts about all the magical feelings many couples experienced when they brought their new little one home. We certainly felt powerful gratitude (bigger than I can explain in words) when we first held our new little one, but a rooted love for her grew over time. Like in marriage, shared time and experiences build your bond. Bonding wasn't "natural" for us; we were bonded by prayer. Our bond was cultivated. We had just had Joshua six months before adopting Sarah, so we had two new babies at once. The Lord grew so much good out of that sleepless season. Little by little, over time, our family and faith grew. I think having the expectation that there is nothing wrong with you if you don't instantly bond is very healthy--and essential. And it doesn't mean you love your child any less. We are a culture set on overnight results and instant success, and this applies to our families too.

Rachel: What are three things you are loving right now?  (These can be ANYTHING--book, song, food, activity, etc.). 

Lara: I am loving the book, What's Best Next, fresh red peppers from the farmer's market, and watching our kids play together. It's the best!