Should the Hopeful Adoptive Parents Be Present at the Hospital?

Whoa.

I mean, this is a big question.  One that is controversial in the adoption community.   

I've avoided tackling this for awhile, if I'm being honest.  But I think the time has come.  Time, distance, and experience have given me the courage to write this post.  So, here goes.

For years, I was adamant that hopeful adoptive parents NOT be at the hospital with expectant parents.  I felt this way for a few reasons:

1:  I'd never experienced it.

2:  I was scared of the experience.

3:  I felt the hospital had the potential to be unethical.  

But this ALL changed when not only was I invited to be in the delivery room, but it was INSISTED that I be there. Not by a social worker, not by an adoption agency, not by a lawyer, but by an expectant mother who wanted support.

I.  Was.  Terrified.

Terrified of my own emotions.  Terrified of all the unknowns.  Terrified that I'd do something unethical.  Terrified that I'd fall even more deeply in love with a baby who I couldn't call MY child and with a mama who, no matter what her decision, would leave the hospital with a broken heart.

You see, deep down I knew:  this baby wasn't mine, the expectant mom wasn't "our" "birth" mom, the pregnancy and delivery weren't mine either.   

NOTHING was mine.  Everything was hers.  

And I don't say that out of selfishness, bitterness, anger, or confusion.  I'm sharing it out of acknowledgement.  I believe all hopeful adoptive mamas need to, first and foremost, know exactly what a match is and isn't and do whatever it takes to have an ethical adoption.

Because as I say, time and time and time again, if and until TPR and revocation is over, the parents have every right to parent their child, and there is no promise of placement with the adoptive family.  Nor should there be.   

And, I really, really wanted to protect my own heart and the hearts of my spouse and the children we were already parenting.  There were SO many hearts on the line. 

You see, thus far, we had chosen to have ethical adoptions.  Doing the hardest things that were the right things.  The right things, in the right ways, every time.  To us, there was no question of whether or not we'd have an ethical adoption.  It was an ethical adoption or NO adoption.  PERIOD.  

So why did I agree to be in the delivery room?

Because I made peace with the invitation to be there.  I knew it was not suggested to the expectant mom.  I knew not a soul had told her to do it and listed reasons why.   It was her own, free choice.  And I knew if I said no, she would be in that room alone.  

And we had spent months getting to know one another, and I was ultimately (honestly) invested in her.  I wanted her to feel that she could do whatever she decided, whether that meant parenting or placing.  

And I made this very, very clear.  "No matter what you decide, we support you.  We would be honored to be this baby's parents.  But we also respect your decision to parent this baby."

This sacred conversation happened many times.  I offered this affirmation more times than I could count, as I wanted it to be perfectly clear.

And I promise, I meant every single word.  I did.  

Yes, it was hard at times to imagine leaving the hospital without the baby.  Of course, it would be difficult.  But if it were the choice made, we would support it.  

Jennifer Mossman Photography

I think the choice to be in the delivery room was OK for me for a few reasons.  And these are personal, and certainly cannot be "one size fits all."

1:  We had a lot of adoption experience.  

2:  We had friends from all three points of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees):  and had listened to their thoughts and experiences for many years.

3:  We examined the invitation, at lengths, and then said yes, aware that there was no unethical actions or words behind it.  

4:  We didn't initiate or expect the invitation.  We didn't eagerly and naively accept it either (point #3).  

5:  We felt no person should bring a baby into the world alone.

6:  We understood and articulated, many times, that if the child wasn't to become "our baby," we would support that choice.  

In the end, I am so thankful I was there.  Those moments were sacred, beautiful, hard.  I'm thankful the photos we took and shared with each other.  I'm thankful for hands-in-hands and words of encouragement.  I'm thankful for the beauty in the brokenness.  And yes, we remained ethical.

And I can tell my child, I had the courage and faith to say yes, even when I was terrified to do so.   

Jennifer Mossman Photography

So if you, dear one, are considering the hospital experience, may I shed some wisdom on you, now having been there?  

1:  Do not demand or expect the invitation. 

It's not your baby, it's not "your" "birth" mom, it's not your birth.  None of it is yours.  

2:  Know that a match or hospital experience doesn't mean you will be placed with that child.

There are no promises or guarantees.  Don't try to figure out the likelihood a mom will parent or place.  Let it be.  

3:  Let all decisions be made by mom, if and until you are mom.  

If the hospital staff defers to you for decisions, you need to point them right back to mom.  

4:  Ask to take pictures.

But don't be disrespectful about it.  Ask if it's OK to take pictures, and check in on that often.  Whether or not mom places or parents, you can share those photos with her.  And for the love of all-things-adoption, do not post photos online of a baby who isn't yours.  

5:  Don't hover or assume.

You ask, every single step of the way, what mom wants.  Period.  

6:  Don't sneak around.

Don't ask questions about mom or baby, of the hospital staff or any other professional involved, that aren't your business.   

7:  Don't manipulate.

Don't offer over-the-top gifts, for example, attempting to manipulate the situation. Because trust me, whatever is best for the baby is what is best for all.  (Save those special gifts for after placement if placement occurs.  Too many parents want to give mom a matching bracelet, for example, with a birthstone in it.)  Manipulation = coercion.  Coercion = unethical.  Unethical = not good for anyone.

8:  Know the laws and policies.

What are the TPR and revocation laws?  Don't forget about the child's father, who also has rights.  And know the hospital policies so you don't overstep.  It's best to have a reputable adoption attorney involved, and to be ethical, the birth/expectant couple, the hopeful adoptive family, and the child should each have separate legal representation.

9:  Be proactive without being pushy.

I think it's fine to ask the mom you are matched with, what do you think your hospital experience will look like?  What can we do to support you during that time? And no matter what, be supportive of her decision and understand you may not be privy to her hospital plans.

10:  Don't insist on breastfeeding or doing skin-to-skin at the hospital.

Remember, it's not your baby or your birth.  If the baby is placed with you, you can then make your decisions.   (I was asked by hospital staff if I would do skin-to-skin with the baby right after birth; I declined.) 

11:  Check in:  often.

Is the current "plan" or invitations working OK?  Be clear that you are fine to go elsewhere, leave completely, take a break, etc.  Don't make it about you.  Because it's not about you.

12:  Don't show up with your own posse.  

The hospital experience is not the time for all the grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. to meet the baby.  This is manipulative:  no matter if you intend for it to be or not.  If you're invited to bring someone to the hospital to meet the baby, consider this decision very carefully.

The #1 argument I encounter against hopeful adoptive parents being at the hospital is that there is simply no way their presence can be ethical.  It's often assumed that the mom was coerced into allowing the hopeful parents to be present.  There is no way, arguably, that hopeful parents can be unbiased in every way, all the time, and their very bodies being there is a form of manipulation.

I disagree. 

Yes, there is so much on the line.  And yes, it is VERY hard to be present AND be ethical.  Because at the very heart of the storm is a child and a very big decision for a mama to make.  

But I do not think there is a one-size-fits all approach to the hospital decision.  I don't think it's up to anyone else to judge a mama's decision to invite parents to the hospital: IF she is making that choice by her own free will.   Her reasons are personal, private, and sacred. 

And ultimately, should always be respected by all parties.  

Dear Sugar: Your Burning Open Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar,

Today's focus is on open adoption.  We have four children, all of whom have open adoptions with their birth families.  Each relationship is different, each experience is different, each dynamic is different.  Now, let's get to those questions!  

Photo of one of my kiddos kissing her bio brother on the cheek, many years ago.  So precious! 

Q:  Our child's birth parents have cancelled several visits last-minute, and I'm tired, frustrated, and confused.  What do we do about this?

A:  I believe in keeping your promises, but I also believe that your #1 job is to protect your child. With that said, if the cancellations are disruptive to your child (emotionally), perhaps it's time to stop scheduling visits for a season.  However, a difficult season is not your permission slip to bail on the relationship.  

Q:  We're getting ready to begin our adoption journey, and we don't know what to promise in terms of openness.  I mean, we haven't even met our future child or his/her family yet!  Our agency is pushing us toward more openness, but we just aren't sure. 

A:  I believe in short-term promises.  Meaning, don't promise a visit once a year until the child is eighteen.  Why?  Because the CHILD will eventually have (and should have) say so in the openness. Now, I believe in a COMMITMENT to open adoption, but I don't believe in making concrete guarantees beyond the short-term.  I also believe in letting the relationship develop organically and over time.

Q:  What does open adoption require of the parents? 

A:  Grace, empathy, honesty, flexibility, and commitment.  Open adoption is NOT easy; it has both its joys and challenges.  Open adoption is an ARC and not a marathon.   Also, open adoption isn't for every person and every adoption.  That's OK.  Just because open adoption is popular (and pushed upon birth and adoptive families by adoption agencies and attorneys), doesn't mean it is the correct avenue for every person.    

Q:  Doesn't open adoption confuse the child?

A:  Not in my experience.  Lots of kids have family dynamics that aren't the "norm" (a mom, a dad, who are married, and bio siblings, all living under the same roof), and it's not confusing as long as parents are open and honest.  There are some great children's books that explain family dynamics which can help you explain to your child what his or her family is like.   

Q:  I think we should choose open adoption, my partner doesn't.  How do we decide what to do? 

A:  I think it's SO difficult to say what's best when have yet to meet your future child and his or her family.  Choosing open adoption before adopting is almost like that TV show Married at First Sight.  You make a life-long promise to someone who is a stranger?  That said, I do think your job right now is to get educated.   If you sign up for my e-newsletter, you'll be sent a free e-book that explains why education is critical!   Learn all you can about open adoption prior to adopting so when you are presented the opportunity to adopt a child, you can make your decisions out of education and not ignorance.   

What are your thoughts on open adoption?  Let's chat on Facebook. 

Dear Sugar: What to Include in Updates to your Child's Birth Family

Dear Sugar:

You sit down at your computer to type an update to your child's birth family and you wind up looking at a blank screen for several minutes, even hours.   Then perhaps you shut down the laptop, go get some ice cream (because that makes everyone feel better), and vow to try again tomorrow.  Yet the cycle repeats itself.  WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I WRITE?, you ask yourself.  

Most domestic infant adoptions these days have some level of openness, and this openness often includes what we call "updates."  An update is pretty self-explanatory.   Doesn't it sound hopeful and reasonable?  But for someone who isn't a writer (or talker or sharer) by nature, updates can be daunting.   So today, I'm here to help!

If you're new to the WSBS community, here's a quick summary of our family.  We've been in the adoption community for a decade.  We have four children, all adopted domestically and at birth, and all of the adoptions are open.  So that means four kids, four open adoptions, and yes, four updates to be written at once!  (I like to send updates at the same time in order to stay consistent and organized). 

Here are some things to include in updates:

• the child's growth, which may include his or her height, weight, size in clothing.  This is especially true of infants who grow rapidly!  
• favorites.  What does the child most enjoy?  Include foods, activities, even specifics like books or tv shows or songs.    
• dislikes.  What drives the child bonkers?  Again, include foods, activities, etc.
• milestones and firsts.  What new accomplishments have occurred since your last update?  First tooth?  First trip to the beach?  First word?  
• medical info.  Did your child have a cold last month?   What about that first broken bone after a bike incident?  How did he or she bounce back?   
• family fun.  Did you take your child on vacation?  What about a weekend visit to Grandma and Grandpa's?  Maybe on Friday nights, your new tradition is popcorn-and-movie nights in your pjs.   
• personality.  Is your child serious or silly?  Does he or she have a certain "look" given to strangers or to a silly aunt? What makes your kiddo special and awesome?  
• holidays and celebrations.  Talk about things like baking sugar cookies together, decorating the Christmas tree, that epic Easter egg hunt with the cousins.  
• funny or sweet quotes.  Have a talker?  Share something funny or sweet the child said.  
• changes.  Is your daughter no longer into Doc McStuffins, but is now on a Nella the Princess Knight kick?  Are the twins trying to potty train?   
• hopes.  What are you looking forward to in the coming month?  A scheduled trip to the zoo?  A certain holiday celebration?  School starting?  

Some have asked me, but shouldn't I ONLY share the "good stuff"? I don't want the birth parents thinking there's something wrong with us (as parents) or the child.   The answer is no!  No you shouldn't just include the "good stuff."  Your child is a human being with likes and dislikes and quirks and flaws.   Illness happens.   Tantrums happen (oh help me, Jesus, with ages 2-4).   

How often should you send an update (however you choose to send it)?   That's really between you and the birth family.  Though infants change SO rapidly, that I think sending updates more frequently in the beginning is perfectly reasonable.   It can also be reassuring and healing for both you and the birth family to update frequently at the beginning of the post-placement relationship.  

Join me on Facebook to discuss adoption updates.  What do you include?  What are you struggling with when it comes to post-placement relationships?  

Dear Sugar: Meet Jill Murphy, Mom by Birth and Adoption

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I "met" Jill Murphy online.  Soon after, she published her memoir Finding Motherhood, and I was blown away.  Jill placed a son for adoption, then later faced infertility which led her to choosing to adoption two girls internationally. Her story is one that offers us a unique perspective of mothering, loving, mourning, and rejoicing.  

Rachel:  You have a unique connection in that you're a birth mother and a mom-by-adoption.  What have these two experiences and ways of mothering taught you about adoption?  

Jill:  It is a unique situation. It has taught me that there are different ways of becoming a mother. And that falling in love with a child may take time. With my birth son I always loved him. That strong love I had for him help me know that he needed more than I could give at the young age of 18. It was a love that put his needs before my wants. Once we were reunited, I fell in love with him - it was like meeting a stranger and developing the love you feel after you get to know someone. Confusing I know! My daughters I feel as tho I fell in love the minute I saw their picture from the adoption agency and got to hold them in my arms. I would say the one beautiful gift I received with being on both sides of adoption is understanding it better. I am a birth mom of my son - but he has his real mom - I respect that and honor that 100%. I thought of him every day  of his life...wondering how he was and hoping nothing but love and happiness. That made it easy when my daughter asked "I wonder if my birth mom ever thinks about me?" - I could tell her that absolutely she does. I have walked her journey and can use my experience to help sooth the wonder and curiosity of my daughters. I think it has also helped my feel confident in my relationship with my daughters - if they ever wanted to seek their birth mothers, I would be onboard 100%. 

Rachel:  You wrote a book called FINDING MOTHERHOOD.  What compelled you to put your story on paper?  What has the response been like? 

Jill:  When I found my birth son 7 years ago - he was 22. I had realized that a lot of me feelings of loss and grieving never really got processed. It took me 22 years to open up the "closed drawer of feelings". It took my breath away how much healing I had needed. I needed to grieve the loss of placing a child, then the loss of infertility realizing I would never carry a baby with my husband and then the feelings you go through with adoption - proving you are good enough to be someone's mother. A lot of feelings all at once. I started blogging about it and thought that maybe my story could help someone else - there will always be a scared pregnant teen out there, a couple experiencing infertility and couple who adopt...so my book came to be. I have had such a great response. The stories from people of how they had a hard time conceiving, to others who have been adopted and searching. I love connecting with others who share even part pf my story. 

Rachel:  For someone who is considering adopting a child, what advice do you have? 
  

Jill:  My advice for others adopting.....be patient and have a good pen! You feel lost in paperwork, but it is so worth it!!! Patience is key! It is not your traditional 9 month pregnancy...and if you know that going in, you will feel better. Also one thing I wish ALL adoptive parents knew - especially with closed adoptions - is that when a child searches for their birth parents, it is a normal thing. It has nothing to do with YOU as parents. It is all about finding who they look like, where they come from and learning their story before being adopted. It is for the adoptee about finding that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish all adoptive parents could know that and be supportive to their child if and when that day comes. SO many adult adoptees that I know always say "It would kill my parents if they knew I was searching" or "I don't want to hurt their feelings". It is a normal healthy thing to want to find out your past. 

Rachel: What about for someone who is already parenting and has children who are old enough to ask the "big" and "hard" questions about adoption?   

Jill:  Always BE HONEST. I think more so now a days it is open and talked about. Adoption isn't a big bad scary secret that parents keep anymore. The biggest disservice you can give your child is not being honest about them. Talk openly about it - answer questions the best way the age of the child needs. When I met my birth son my girls were 7 and 9 - of course they knew they were adopted because they are Korean and do not look anything like us. But when I had to talk about the choice I made for my son - I had to tell them in a way they could understand. I simply said some woman can carry a baby in their belly AND be a mommy. Some woman can carry a baby in their belly but aren't ready to a mom - maybe they aren't married or too young to be a good mommy and then there are woman that CAN be a good mommy but not carry a baby in their belly. God matches up people. They understood that. As they got older we would talk more about it. Now that they are teens our conversations are much different - as you can imagine! :) 

Rachel:  What are three things you're loving right now?

Jill: Three things I am loving right now...just 3??? Let's see - a quiet cup of coffee in the morning when the rest of the house is sleeping, sunshine of summer and trying to binge watch shows! I love me some TV!

Dear Sugar: It's My Baby's Birthday!

Dear Sugar:

Today is my baby girl's first birthday!  I'm completely head-over-heels for our little queen, affectionately nicknamed Juice. Everywhere we go, people stop in their tracks and can't help but grin. She is sunshine.  She is joy.  She is beauty.  Her siblings cannot get enough of her. 

It feels like it was just yesterday that I shared with you the happy news that we were parents again.  We kept our long match quiet out of respect for her birth family and, if I'm honest, to protect my own hearts.  We were dealing with our own colliding emotions, explaining adoption (again) to our children, including what a match means, while also trying to still live life as normally as possible.

Ali Cummins Photography

In my new book, I talk about what it was like to wait for her.  I did the one thing I said I would NEVER do: fall in love with a baby who wasn't mine.

Sugar, no matter how many times you've adopted, it is never easy or simple or quick. There are always challenges, moments where the bittersweetness is nearly palpable.  If you are person committed to ethics like we are, you work really hard to maintain an ethical distance while also being in the match with your whole heart.  It is such a difficult balance to strike, but it's necessary.  (If you're thinking, what are ethics? What's an ethical adoption?  Please check out my extensive explanation and guidance here.) You want to be able to look your child in the eyes and say:  I did the right things, at the right times, always, no matter how difficult it was.  

Ali Cummins Photography

I do not know what else God has in store for our family.   But my heart is beautifully full right now:  three daughters and a son, all of whom came to our family by domestic, infant, open, transracial adoption, all of which started with a devastating diagnosis.  Our home is loud, oftentimes chaotic, silly.  There are tears and hugs and joys and frustrations.  There's a ton of food: always.  The kitchen dance parties are EPIC.   

These beautiful babies, whom I didn't birth but have the honor of raising, are the most incredible human beings.  I am thankful for their birth parents who chose me to be the kids' mommy.   The privilege of being chosen is something I hold sacred.  

As for today?  It's smooches and a smash cake and presents, all in celebration of our baby girl!  

Dear Sugar: My Two Big Secrets

Ali Cummins Photography

Dear Sugar,

So I’ve been keeping two big secrets.  And as promised, today I’m finally able to “spill the beans” and reveal what’s been going on.  

***Takes big, deep breath***

Be patient with me, dear one.  This takes courage and faith and vulnerability, three things I’m not always very good at. 

Secret #1: 

In April of this year, I found a breast lump.  I wasn’t alarmed, as I’ve had them in the past.  Genetics gave me the “gift” of lumpy, dense boobs.  In fact, I’ve had two lumps removed already, both benign:  mere hiccups in my life plans.  

This time was different. 

I went to my gynecologist who agreed we should do some further testing.  She sent me to get a mammogram and ultrasound.  Both of these took longer than usual, and I was concerned.   However, I got a call the very next day that said that everything looked pretty darn normal.  I should go back in six months and have the tests repeated, just to be safe.   I momentarily breathed a sigh of relief.

But I couldn’t let the feeling go that something was wrong.   Call it a woman’s intuition, a gut feeling, or Jesus telling me to listen to my body: but the nudging was strong. 

I called my gynecologist’s office and told them the lump felt bigger and heavier.   My infant, who is held almost all the time (no shame in "spoiling" my baby girl!), kept head-butting my chest, right where the lump was.  Not to mention, my seat belt and cross-body purse were constantly rubbing over the sensitive area.  It wasn’t just uncomfortable, but it was painful.  It was as if my daughter was telling me:  mom, something's not right. And the straps and seat belts would remind me also.     

The nurse gave me a list of local surgeons and said I could pursue getting additional support.  I immediately called the closest surgeon’s office and set up an appointment.   After meeting the surgeon and having yet another ultrasound, she agreed we should to a biopsy so we could find out what we were dealing with.   I had the biopsy a few days before our family's June vacation.  Two weeks later, I returned to the surgeon’s office.  And that’s when the poop hit the fan. 

No one is ever prepared to be told she has breast cancer.   I sat there on a paper-covered table, covered in a thin, mauve gown, while the surgeon went on to discuss “treatment options” and getting an MRI.  She used big, scary words and shared nail-biting statistics. I don't remember much of what she said to me, but I left that office armed with ten (yes, ten) glossy brochures, all featuring middle-aged and older women on the front and the words BREAST CANCER scrolled across the top in pink, scripted font (as if this was an exclusive party invitation and not a devastating diagnosis).    

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind.  How the hell is this fair?  I already have one disease, and now I get another one?   I have FOUR kids who rely on me for everything.   I’m going to die.   What if I need a mastectomy?   Chemotherapy?  Radiation?  

My summer was spent consumed with appointments, phone calls, tests, and lots and lots of waiting.  Waiting for results, waiting to meet with another medical professional, waiting for my surgery date.

I’m not ready to tell the whole story now.  I don’t have the energy.  I’m still only in my second week of recovery from the treatment option I chose.  I can’t lift my arms above my head, I can’t shower without supervision, I can’t lift or bend over.   I’m in this weird recovery prison where a nurse comes to my house to make sure I’m still kickin’, and people speak to me in soft, gentle voices, as if I'm a fragile toddler who might lose her cool at any minute.  I'm OK about 95% of the time, but the other 5% is hell.   

  

So I’m going to fast forward to the good news:  I learned after my surgery that I went from “a woman with breast cancer” to “a breast cancer survivor.” Meaning:  I am cancer-free.   Praise God!

 

Ali Cummins Photography

 But Rach, you remind me, what’s the other secret? 

Yes, dear reader!   Let’s get to it! 

Secret #2:

As of a few days ago, the book I’ve labored over for months and months, The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption, is now available!   The boob drama delayed the publication of my book, which ended up being a blessing in disguise.  I was able to take a step back from being immersed in the push to publish and make some revisions and add some finishing touches, including this stunning cover that invites you into the world of domestic, infant adoption.   

^^^Click on the image to get details.

Sugar, I wrote this book for the woman who wants to adopt but is standing on shaky ground.  Choosing to adopt isn’t for the faint at heart.  It’s for those willing to have their hearts broken and mended on repeat. There are SO many questions about ethics, open adoption, attachment, choosing an adoption professional, responding to nosy strangers, affording adoption, finding a support group, and more.  I answer them all:  with my whole heart, with my decade of experience, and with YOU in mind.  This is the book I wish I would have had ten years ago.

I invited several ladies from the adoption community to review the book. Here is some of what they said:  

Whew!  If you’ve made it this far into the post, cheers to you! I appreciate your readership:  your love, support, and encouragement.  This detour was certainly unexpected, but it also created space for more friends, more lessons, and more hope. 

 

Ali Cummins Photography

I promise to share more of the story in the future, but for now, I have a good book (wink, wink) to curl up with and so do you!   I can’t wait to hear what you think about it!

Cheers to us, Sugar! 

Dear Sugar: When You're Invited to a Match Meeting

Dear Sugar:

It seems surreal.  You've done all the interviews, background checks, home inspections.  You've filled out stacks of paperwork.   Then you're homestudy-ready and begin waiting.   Then comes the day your phone rings and guess what?  You've been chosen.  The expectant mother wants to meet you.  

You've envisioned this for months, even years, but now what? 

It's really simple.   You show up as your authentic self.   

If you're a graphic t-shirt and ripped jeans girl by heart, then show up as you.   If you think lipstick is for ladies who try too hard, don't wear it.   If wearing anything other than a sundress makes your skin crawl, rock your sundress.  Hubby has an affinity for socks with sandals?  Hey, whatev. If you love to bake, by all means, show up with your famous oatmeal cookies.  If you love to write, take a handwritten note (not a "thank you for choosing us card," please) offering prayer and encouragement (but not assumption).   If you are already parenting and your preschooler is a wild child, well that's just abundant energy that might make him or her an awesome big sibling.   

Let me tell you about us.  

Adoption #1:  Met for the first time at the courthouse to gain custody.  I'm a not nervous mess.  Terrified.  It went INCREDIBLY well.  

Adoption #2: Met at the agency, post-placement.  Immediately exchanged phone numbers and addresses and took loads of photos.  

Adoption #3:  Met at the agency pre-placement.  Took a small "self care" gift and a photo album full of printed pics of places around our town that we love, where our future child would get to hang out and enjoy.  

Adoption #4:  Met at the agency pre-placement.  Had a long heart-to-heart, answering loads of questions.   Asking few.  

Every meeting is different.  Every opportunity is a chance to listen, learn, and love.     

Just show up and be yourself.   Because...

It's so important that when you are chosen and placed, you are the person you represented yourself to be.  That you are, in fact, a great fit for the parents who chose you.  That you are a "what you see is what you get" person.   Because one day, you will face your child, an adoptee, and be asked hard questions.   

I want to be able to answer with a clear heart and mind.  I want to have nothing to hide.  To offer authentic, transparent, honest responses.   

I know it's easy to over-analyze yourself before or after a match meeting.  We truly are our own worst critics.   But I want you to remember you were "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the Almighty. A God who bases everything on holy truth.   

Do not choose deceitfulness.  Do not choose fear.  Do not choose aversion.   

No matter what, the placement may not happen.  Or it might.  And you cannot control a placement happening or not (nor should you ever try) based on your shade of lipstick, the cookies you do or don't show up with, or your energetic toddler.   

Show up as your wonderful self and see where the journey takes you.   You will never regret doing the right thing, always.  

Tell me about your match meetings.  How did they go?  Did the placement happen?  What advice do you have for others?  Let's chat!  

Dear Sugar: Meet Birth Mother and Big Tough Girl Ashley Mitchell

 Dear Sugar,

I'm so excited to share with you my interview with Ashley Mitchell. Perhaps you've heard of her already? She's a birth mother and the owner of the fabulous BIG TOUGH GIRL brand. As if she's not powerhouse enough, there's even more fabulousness to this incredible lady!  Meet Ashley:  

Rachel:  Ashley, tell me about yourself!

Ashley:  My name is Ashley Mitchell and I live in the beautiful state of Utah.  Minus a few "lost years" I have lived here my entire life and I love it.  My mom and dad have been together since the 9th grade. They are an amazing example of love, consistency and dedication!  I have two older brothers and a younger sister.  We are all very very good friends and I am so thankful for them!  I am 37 years old.  I am married to the love of my life, John aka Amazing Grace and we have two magical kids, our daughter Tyler (7) and our son Oliver (5).  We live a very simple yet very full and busy life.  I love to travel, paint, bing on Netflix and jammie days!  I truly believe that College Football is the greatest sport on the planet and my one of my bucket list items is to have my picture taken at every College Football Stadium in the country, thus combining two great loves-travel and sports!  One more thing you really need to know....I love snow and I think it is the most magical thing that exists.  

Rachel:  Big Tough Girl (BTG) is everywhere I look!  Tell me first about your connection to adoption.

Ashley:  In 2006 after finding myself in an unplanned pregnancy I made the decision to place my first born child for adoption.  This single act changed the course of my life forever.  After years of grief and suffering I started to heal, started to educate myself and I started to find a voice.  I soon found that I was not alone in my struggle, not just with adoption but in life.  It has been so powerful and healing for me to share my journey through the very complex relationships of adoption.  I am speak all over the country and work primarily on education the professionals on how to better serve women, for life, post placement.  

Rachel:  And what is your life's mission?  What are you passionate about?

Ashley:PASSION ON TOP OF PASSION.  That is what a lot of people say about me when they really get to know me!  I am a pretty simple person and I just want to be lit up!  I want to be inspired and I want to inspire!  My goal would be that every woman in the world would adopt the title of Big Tough Girl.  We are not about perfection and competition!  We are about hope and community.  We are about REAL women sharing REAL struggle...that is what makes us Big Tough Girls, because we show up daily to fight the good fight!

My favorite word in the dictionary is MOXIE and my mantra is: IS THE JUICE WORTH THE SQUEEZE?"  It is all about the determination and courage to go after what you want, learning to say no to what you don't want and being your own authentic self through it all!

Rachel:  There is so much "noise" in adoption these days. It's hard for parents-by-adoption to "get it right."  What advice can you offer those who choose to adopt?  

Ashley:  The best advice I can offer is that there is NO right way!  There is no manual or step-by-step process to do it right but we can always strive to do it well. Drown out the noise and listen to your own heart.  YOU KNOW if you are doing your best, and you know if you can be doing better!  The hardest thing about adoption is that NO adoption is alike.   We need to stop with the expectations and comparisons.  Your adoption will never look like another and that is ok.  Stay open, stay teachable, stay compassionate and optimistic.  Recognize that you can't fix everything, that you don't know everything and please cut yourself some slack!  This requires great patience, great flexibility and great forgiveness.  

Rachel:  What are some of the top adoption resources you recommend? 

Ashley:  Obviously I am going to shamelessly plug for myself!  Big Tough Girl / Lifetime Healing are a great resource.  There are many places to find information.  I always tend to educate myself through national sites like NCFA and Family to Family Support Network for information, radio interviews, blogs and statistics.  Education is key to feeling successful!  As you are looking through sites and reading blogs remember that the personal blogs are just that, personal. They are sharing their experiences and emotions and are not meant to be taken as standard best practices. 

Cheers to Big Tough Girls, education, and Ashley's commitment to empowering women!