The Multiracial Adoptive Family's Back-to-School Guide

I cannot believe our summer break is wrapping up, and my kids are headed back-to-school! Did your summer fly by like ours did? And how in the world is your back-to-school prep going? 

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🦄 float. ☀️ hat. Summer life = good life. 💙 If you would have told me 13 years ago that at my lowest low, in the ICU fighting for my life, that my future would hold four precious kids whom I was chosen to be their mom, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you would have told me I would be a WAHM, writing and speaking about adoption, race, faith, motherhood, and health, I would have laughed. If you would have told me that after adopting a fourth child, I’d have a mastectomy while my baby was still an infant, I would have been horrified. 💙 God can turn things around in a split second. He has for me, time and time again. 💙 What was your second chance? 👇🏽👇🏾👇🏿 . . . #type1diabetes #breastcancersurvivor #secondchances #faithoverfear #whitesugarbrownsugar #adoption #multiracialfamily #chosen #summerbreak #summer #bigfamilylife #mom #writer #adoption #melaninpoppin #thursdaymotivation #throwbackthursday #thursdaythoughts

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This time of year always brings about anxiety and excitement for both parents and kids. For us, big changes are coming this year! Make sure to check in with me on Facebook and Instagram, where I'll share what's going on!

So, here we are. A fresh year. And if you're like me, your mind is going non-stop about all the details (school supplies, forms, adjustments) and the big issues that we're ALWAYS facing. Here's some of the issues multiracial and adoptive families are concerned with, and what we can do about them:

1: Connection.

It's so, so, so important for our kids to feel loved and secure. This, of course, stems from connection and attachment. When we understand concepts from The Connected Child and The Whole Brain Child (two of my favorite books!), we rightfully worry how connection is going to play out at school for our children. 

What do we do when our kids aren't with us? First, I think we work hard to connect with our kids before school and after school. We give them our eyes, ears, arms, and hearts. A family dinner or snack (no screens) can go a long way. Bedtime with cuddle and stories can also be helpful. And on the weekends, schedule one-on-one dates with your children. I'm also a big-believer in not over-scheduling children. Often, less is more, especially during the dreaded back-to-school adjustment period.

As far as while your children are at school. I have lots of friends who are educators. I believe that informing your child's teacher of your child's love language, "currency" (what motivates him/her), and a general description of your child's needs (trauma background?) can be helpful. Teachers have told me that more information is GOOD. They can't work with what they do not know! And check-in with the teacher often.

2: Names.

Giving teachers grace is important. They are overworked and underpaid. However, it's really important that they, in a timely manner, get our kids' names right. Your child should not have to shorten or alter their name in any way to make it "easier" for others. And no, not all Black kids look alike, so stop mixing them up!

Teach your child to respectfully correct people who mispronounce their name. The sooner they speak up, the better! 

3: Family projects.

Whether it's a basic biology lesson on how eye color or blood type is determined, or it's a project pertaining to one's family tree, race/ethnicity, or a timeline project, projects involving family can be complicated, hurtful, and humiliating for some kids.

If a project like this comes up, speak up. You can even share this article on why such family projects are problematic for adoptees (though not limited to adoptees). It is possible your child can alter the assignment to fit his/her situation; however, not all kids can or are comfortable doing so.  

Work with your child to see what he/she would prefer you do (or don't do) should an assignment or project come up this year.

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I’m so proud of my son. He’s polite, inclusive, silly, handsome, empathetic, smart, and enthusiastic. He uses his superpowers for good! He’s going to be an amazing adult who changes the world. I’m so lucky to be his mom. 👦🏽 Our tees are by @stoopandstank , and you can get 15% off with code WBSUGAR. But hurry! Expires 2/28! 🖤 #blackownedbusiness #blackboys #blackboyjoy #whitesugarbrownsugar #blackson #dope #blacklivesmatter #graphictees #mom #momlife #multiracialfamily #wearefamily #son #mondaymotivation #blackhistorymonth #february

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4: Race.

Let's just get one thing straight right now. Colorblindness isn't real. Therefore, it does no one any good to live in some universe where we pretend it is. It's especially important that our children are seen for who they are. Celebrated and acknowledged.  

Teachers need to see race. They need to be inclusive. Conversations need to happen. 

I always like to donate items to my kids' classrooms that promote diversity. These include multicultural crayons, markers, or colored pencils, skin tone bandages, skin tone paper, and of course, books. You can offer to read to your child's class, choosing a diverse book or two. 

5: Adoption.

Yes, I tell my children's teachers that my kids were adopted. I also share about open adoption (because my kids will talk about their birth families). Lastly, I encourage teachers to ask me questions. This is a great adoption book to gift your child's teacher.

Do I share intimate, private details? Absolutely not. But I want to open the lines of communication, partnering with my child's teacher. Because adoption is an important part of my child's life. 

How do you share? Well, you can write an e-mail or have an in-person convo. You can also check-in mid-year to see how things are going. Donate adoption books the the classroom if your child is OK with it.

5 Awkward Things White People Have Said to My Black Children

Our big, multiracial crew attracts attention.   Two white parents and four Black children.  It's obvious our family was built by adoption which intrigues many.   The kids, stair-stepped in age, also garner attention for their looks and personalities. 

Stepping out in public means knowing that we will probably be approached by a stranger for some reason. 

This isn't automatically a bad thing.  Sometimes a stranger might see us and simply say, "You have a beautiful family."  We always appreciate this.  Sometimes people will tell us their connection to adoption; some of those who approach us are adoptees (which is always a great interaction). 

But sometimes, we are thrown into some very awkward conversations.   And I'm guessing you've been there, done that.  Here are our top five most awkward things white people have said to my Black children: 

1:  I don't see color.

Um, you approached us because you noticed our multiracial family status.

To be perfectly clear, my children's race should be acknowledged and celebrated, not ignored.  Colorblindness, as I've said many times.  Is.  Not.  Real.   

Another awkward situation is when someone sees my kids, notes they are Black, but whispers "Black" or "African American" like it's a curse word or a secret.  

Oh, and my kids know they're Black. 

2:  How long did it take to get your hair done?!?

This is usually both a statement and a question.  Sometimes the person will say, "Hours?"  And, "How in the world can you sit still for so long?"  

Sometimes this is followed by an attempt to touch my kids' hair.

Don't even think about it. 

These hair conversations makes one of my kids really uncomfortable, because she's an introvert who hates attention outside of her basketball skills.   

3:  You are so lucky to have good and loving parents.

Adoptees tell me they are tired of being told they are "lucky."  They shouldn't be forced to feel grateful for being adopted.  Being adopted wasn't a choice the adoptee made.

We are good and loving parents, yes, but my kids also have other "good and loving" parents who gave birth to them and with whom we still have relationships with.   

Furthermore, my kids aren't charity cases, and we aren't saviors.  

4:  Girlfriend, you are just so cute!  YASSSSS!  

It's super awkward for the person we're talking to to all the sudden try to talk in the way they think Black people talk (usually based on movies or TV shows, not actual Black people...because they really don't know any).   Like somehow, the person can relate to my children by talking in a way that is supposed to be familiar to my children?  I don't know.  It's so weird. 

5:  What country are you from?

Newsflash:  not all adoptees of color were adopted internationally.  Shockingly (sarcasm), there are Black people right here in America!   

Also, many, many adoptees are white.  And the number of kids in foster care?  The majority are white.  (See, there's so many things people don't know!)   Oh wait, but you don't see color...

What's the most awkward thing someone has said to your kids?

If You Adopt Transracially, You Must Read These Six Books

Adopting transracially is serious. It requires an immense amount of preparation, dedication, and ongoing education.  

As a mama of four, it's hard for me to get away. There are so many amazing adoption conferences and camps, but most of the time, it's not realistic for me or my family to attend. 

Therefore, I get a lot of my transracial adoption and parenting education from face-to-face interactions with those in our "village," online communication, and also fantastic books. 

Today I'm sharing with you the six current must-read books if you have adopted transracially or are considering doing so. (And here's a list of ways you can support your transracial adoptee).

Why these six?  

I think they give a broad view of race in America and helps us see how these important things like systemic racism, the preschool to prison pipeline, police brutality, Black Lives Matter, etc. relate to our multiracial families and our transracial adoptees.

1:  Biased: Uncovering the Hidden Prejudice That Shapes What We See, Think, and Do

2: I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness

Me, Austin Channing Brown (author of book rec #2), and my tween

3: White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism

4: Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria: And Other Conversations About Race

5: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness

6: Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools

Teaching Young Transracially Adoped Kids About Race

Informing (and empowering) your child that he or she was adopted from the very first day the child comes to you is important, and so is talking to your child about race. But the big question I get from parents is HOW?   

This is a valid question.  After all, race conversations can be overwhelming, uncomfortable, and uncertain.  If you don't racially match your child, how are you qualified to talk to your child about race?

The FIRST thing you should do is work on getting educated yourself.  Notice I say "getting educated" and not "get educated."  It's not a one-time event:  it's a marathon that NEVER should end when you are parenting kids of color. 

How do you do this?  You read articles and books by people who racially match your child.  You get your news from places like The Root and News One.  You subscribe to magazines like Essence.  You seek people of color in creative outlets like art and music.  You make sure your circle of friends is diverse.  You worship and play in places that are predominately attended by people who racially match your child.  You attend conferences, go to museum exhibits, and find a mommy mentor for yourself-a woman who racially matches your child.  (Read all my thoughts on supporting your child here.)

Yep, it's a lot of work.  But when you chose to adopt transracially, you chose to be the best mom you could to your child, which means, work.  The hardest things are often the most rewarding. 

While you're doing this (remember, you aren't going to stop), you are going to work with your child on his or her racial competency. 

Birth to age one:  What an exciting and quickly-changing time this is!  With infants, you can purchase board books featuring children of color and read them to your child.  You also want to understand racial norms:  like not cutting your son's hair until he's at least one and keeping your baby girl's hair protected and healthy, including a satin crib sheet.  Finally, get a kid-safe mirror.  Young children LOVE looking at themselves.  This is a great way to start introducing your child to his/her skin color.

One to two:  You now have a toddler who is rapidly changing.  Continue reading board books and buying art.  Introduce your child to music created by people of color.  Create playlists!   When looking for childcare, try finding a babysitter of color for your child.  You also might start exploring mommy-and-me classes; search for those in diverse areas.  Change up hair products based on the child's changing hair needs, and be sure to establish positive hair time that doesn't involve a tablet or i-pad.

Two to three:  Keep reading those books (check out our fave books for Black boys here), listening to music, buying art.  Though we aren't big TV people, Doc McStuffins (Disney) and Motown Magic (Netflix) are great shows for children this age.  Also, show your child The Snowy Day (Amazon).  Keep expanding your circle of friends, looking for diverse mommy-and-me classes, and finding diverse babysitters.  Begin exploring coloring books featuring characters of color and washable markers and crayons in skin-tone colors.

Three to four:  As you search for a preschool for your child, diversity matters!  Not only the student and school population, but the classroom materials.  Are there books, action figures, and books featuring people of color in the classroom?  Does the school acknowledge and celebrate Black history?  Keep up at home:  books, music, toys.  Children this age can handle sturdy pictures, so create a kid-safe photo album for your child and talk about the beautiful skin tones of the people in the pictures (hopefully including birth family).   This is a great age to find a great hair braider for your child or step up your game and find an excellent barber, if you haven't already done so.  Finally, this is a great age to start talking about FAMILY diversity.  

Remember, race should be acknowledged and celebrated, not ignored!   Talk early, talk often.  

And I want to encourage both you and your child to learn as you go.  Remember, you aren't going to get your "race education" in a day, week, month, or year.  It's a lifetime commitment to learning and growing.  

Why Our Multiracial, Adoptive Family Left the White Evangelical Church

Once upon a time, I grew up in church.  And so did my husband. 

Red carpet, wooden pews, 500-page hymnals, church lake baptisms, summer VBS, KJV Bibles, no-sex-until-marriage, pasty-white-Jesus church.   

Maybe you can relate?  

Once Steve and I were married, we continued to attend church.  Since our wedding day, which was over fifteen years ago (!!!), we have been part of four churches.   As our family grew, and as we learned and evolved, we changed churches when we felt it was necessary for the spiritual health of our family.   

So when did we leave the white evangelical church, and why?  

I had felt a longing, for some time, to find a multicultural, woke, relevant, authentic church that taught our children the faith values we adamantly believed in.  These include:  eternal life and a rich earthly life comes through salvation (choosing to accept Jesus' sacrifice on the cross); that we are to love God and love others; that certain Biblical traditions are important to follow including communion, baptism, prayer, learning God's word (the Bible), and community.  

Then there was 2016.

We had just adopted our fourth child when the 2016 election took place.  I wasn't worried.  I was certain that people would understand and clearly see that now-#45 was not for most people, including women, people of color, those with disabilities, those dreaming of coming to live in the U.S.  As Maya Angelou famously said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Of course, we all know what happened.   

It was the very next morning after the election that I felt this sense of anger that I couldn't shake.  Not over a few days, or a few weeks, or now, even after a few years.  I just cannot make peace with where our country is.   

I know, Bible peeps are reminding me of John 16:33:  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

The political climate just felt and still feels so...personal.  Every tweet from the not-presidential President.  Every audio and video clip.  The social media responses.  The election signs on people's cars and in their yards.  Those MAGA hats (Jesus, help me).  

Then there were the right-wing social media trolls who left racist comments about my children on Twitter.  Disgusting, vile things meant to rattle us.  Where did these trolls come from?  I don't know, but they sure crawled out of their hole in early 2017.

I wasn't naive. I didn't think that any other candidate would save the world.  But I did feel that others had more experience, more history, and certainly, better morals, ethics, and standards. 

Then the reports.  Overwhelmingly, white evangelicals were backing up this President and continued to do so, even though he paid off a porn star (and cheated on his wife), even though he bragged about grabbing women inappropriately, even though he chucked paper towels at people of color who were in dire need of shelter and water, even though he made fun of a reporter with a disability, even when he mocked a woman after she testified that she had been sexually assaulted by the then Supreme Court judge nominee, even when he called one woman "horseface" and another a "dog."  I could list dozens of examples, but let's move on. 

Now, I am not throwing our previous church homes under the proverbial bus.  There were some wonderful, woke, empathetic, kind people among us.  

But what was missing was so important:  people of color in leadership, an acknowledgement of the pain people in our country were facing, conversations about how to be more inclusive and welcoming of others beyond just "say hello to the person next to you."  We were always encouraged to invite friends and family to our church events, but how could we invite friends of color when they'd stand out so much among a sea of white congregants?  

I know this to be true:  when you aren't represented, you know it.  You feel it.  You see it.  And others do too, even if they don't say so.  

And it's really awkward, uncomfortable, and often offensive.  

We worked hard, very hard, to find a diverse church.  But when I asked church leadership about their diversity, many would say yes, their church was diverse.  But then we'd visit and there'd be maybe two multiracial families (almost always at least one of them was an adoptive family).  Or when I'd ask about diversity, the leadership response would be "we're working on that."  

What does that even mean?  Working on diversity?  

I didn't want to be the token multiracial family who would suddenly appear on the church website or social media feed in order for that church to prove they were welcoming of people of all races.

Thanks, but no thanks. 

Yes, I'm skeptical.  White America, which exists everywhere, even in church, and today is SUPPORTED BY people who claim to be Christian, makes me very uncomfortable.  

It's not that we believe a church has to change their values based on current events.  But BECAUSE of current events, the church should step up their already proclaimed values.  

After an exhaustive search for the perfect (or even slightly flawed) diverse church, we realized it just didn't exist.  So we decided to attend a church I had heard about once from our girls' first mentor. 

A Black church.

My main hesitation was not standing out as two white adults with four Black kids, or the scrutiny we might face, as we so often do, for being a multiracial family.   Were we good enough to parent Black children?  What were our motives?  

No. 

My main hesitation was this:  were we inappropriately taking up seats in a safe, Black, sacred space?  How would congregants and staff feel seeing two white adults sitting in a church service, many of them not even knowing we had four Black children in children's church?  Were we invading a space that was not meant for us, and rightfully so?

It's not our space.  It's not our place. This is what I told myself in the days leading up to the Sunday we planned to attend for the first time.

But as parents-by-transracial-adoption, it's not even close to being all about us (as the parents).  It's about the kids and the family unit.  

We ultimately decided that we were making this choice for our children.  Not attending church wasn't an option for us.  Attending a church that treated my family as tokens also wasn't an option.  Attending a church that preached love but not standing up to injustice wasn't an option.  Silence is compliance.

To be honest, we felt we were out of options.  If this church didn't work for us, we were done searching.  Because searching is exhausting.

And it turns out, being "out of options" is a really GOOD place to be sometimes.  

I don't mean to say the church we attend was our last choice or last resort.  It wasn't.  We actually re-discovered it at the tail-end of our search (the search we about gave up on).  I talked to the girls mentor about it, and then a friend (fellow mom-by-adoption) who had recently attended with her Black daughter.  But I was holding back out of respect for the church.

I messaged the church admin to ask questions.  She hooked me up with the children's ministry coordinator, in which I asked many more questions.   They both said to me, when are you coming?

It was time.

The experience was amazing.   The church was so ALIVE.  The music, the preaching, the people.  People were hugging us on the FIRST day we attended.  Introducing themselves to my kids.  Not a single whisper, second-glance, or sigh.

So we went back again.  And again.  And again.

A few weeks in, a woman stopped me, my husband, and my second daughter after service and asked if she could talk to our daughter.  We were bewildered, but agreed.  The woman bent down and looked into my daughter's eyes and said, "You are very beautiful.  I want you to know that."  

My daughter (an introvert) quietly replied, "Thank you."   

A few weeks later, my oldest kept telling me she wanted new glasses "like that lady at church."  I had no clue who she was talking about, as there are hundreds of women at church.  Then the next Sunday, my daughter discreetly pointed out an usher, a young woman with fashionable, clear glasses.  So after church, we approached her and told her how much we loved her glasses, and my daughter had a similar pair on order.  The young woman was so sweet to my daughter, telling her she couldn't wait to see her new glasses.

These may seem like small things, but small things add up. 

The truth is, we feel really safe in a church where we are surrounded by people who look like our kids.  I don't worry if someone is petting my girls' braids or interrogating them ("How long did that take?  Did you have to sit still for hours?").  Not ONCE have we been asked if we're the babysitters, the foster parents, or even the "adoptive" parents.  My kids love that their teachers are Black.  

We sit in the sanctuary with so much appreciation.  There's no bashfulness or lengthy explanations for being concerned about another white person calling the police on a Black person for ridiculous things, another shooting of an unarmed Black person, a tweet from #45 that is so clearly racist.   We don't worry about an off-handed comment that sounds like it came straight from a Fox news anchor.  

Because we are all concerned.  Because we all see it for what it is.  

My kids are happy, safe, and embraced.  What more could we ask for as parents?  

And we leave church feeling like we learned.  We learned about God.  We learned about the Bible.  We learned about being better parents and spouses.  

We leave encouraged.  We leave better.  

Not tired.  Not tolerated.  Not used.  

It's incredible.  

If you're feeling lost in today's culture, I completely get it.  You can even be like us:  know who you are and what you want, but struggle SO much to find a house of worship to support and refine that.  

If you're searching for the right church for your family, please do not give up.  Because we almost gave up.  And if we would have, we would have been even more lost, confused, and hurt.  

Keep looking.  Keep asking questions.  Keep pursuing. Make an effort.  Visit churches.  

And don't feel guilty for leaving the white evangelical church if that's what your family needs. 

You were CHOSEN to parent your children.  You were CHOSEN to do what's best for them.  And that doesn't stop on Sunday mornings.  

5 Ways to Create a Racially Affirming Merry Christmas for your Multiracial Family

Christmas is our very favorite family holiday!  Over the years, we have created new family traditions that make our celebration all the more magical.  And if you're in a multiracial family like we are, Christmas is an opportunity to focus on the birth of Jesus while savoring the season with some fantastic racially affirming actions.

1:  Take your child to visit a Black Santa.

This takes some pre-planning, as it's not always easy to find a melanin-rich Santa.  You might have to travel to a diverse area, make lots of phone calls, and ask around.  But I think it's very important for children of color to know that yes, there was a real Santa (you can read about him here), and that now there are representations of Santa everywhere.  And yes, Santa CAN look like your child!  

2:  Create a Black musician Christmas playlist.

This is one of our favorite traditions:  listening to our playlist!  We love our eclectic mix of music styles and artists, as well as eras!  Artists I suggest include Darius Rucker, Jamie Grace, Mandisa, Ella Fitzgerald, John Legend, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, Etta James, Natalie Cole, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey.  We love Mickey Guyton's (female country artist) version of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman."  

3:  Build your home library.

The best day to shop is the day after Christmas when many bookstores mark their Christmas books down by 50% or more!  They often also carry Christmas cards, CDs, and DVDs.  

The best racially diverse children's Christmas books can be found here.

4:  Decorate!

If you've been following me on social media (especially my Insta stories), you know I LOVE racially diverse Christmas decor.   My go-to stores are TJ Maxx, Home Goods, and Marshalls (which are sister stores), Hobby Lobby, and Michael's.  Hallmark is also one of my favorite stores.  

The best time to buy this decor is the day after Christmas.  Hallmark, for example, usually marks their ornaments down by 30% the day after Christmas.  Other stores like Home Goods, Marshalls, and TJMaxx mark down by 50% the day after.   

Things to look for:  Black Nativity, angels, Santas, children figurines, ornaments, Christmas cards, snow globes, and wrapping paper.  (PS:  Hallmark carries the BEST wrapping paper in terms of quality.  Since we travel, I prefer paper that won't easily rip!)

5:  Bake.

My daughter and I recently learned how to make a fantastic sweet potato pie (gluten and dairy free, too!), and it's one of our new favorite traditions!  We love to make our pie and take it to family gatherings.  Baking is a fantastic way to bond and celebrate your child's racial culture.  There's a fantastic children's Christmas book that talks about different Christmas traditions (including favorite cookies) around the world that can help inspire you to get in the kitchen with your kids!  (There are some recipes included!)

And while you bake, play your new Christmas playlist!  (#2) 

6:  Attend a Christmas service at an African American church.

A holiday as sacred as Christmas should create special memories for your child.  When we put the focus on Christ, while also teaching our children that Christmas isn't just for white folks and Jesus WAS NOT white Himself, we're doing our children a great service.    I encourage you not to let the search for a fantastic church to being and end on Christmas.  (More on this in 2019!)  Because remember, your child is Black all year long.  

Dear one, it is NOT too late.  Get started on some new traditions TODAY!  

Navigating Adoption When Your Baby is Suddenly a Tween

It was an ordinary day, doing ordinary things.  But what happened next was abrupt.  Perhaps you've been there, too.

I was looking at one of my daughters and realized she was a tween.  

It was like all the sudden, Doc McStuffins and My Little Ponies and ballies in two-strand twists were no longer acceptable.  It was all about Shopkins, K.C. Undercover, hip hop dancing, asking when she can have her own cell phone, and having sips of coffee with us on Saturday mornings.  

Where did my baby go?!? 

I've done loads and loads of research on what's tweens (considered children ages 9-13) and teens (13+) need, adoption-wise, but now I was living it, not just writing and talking about it.  My research was in books and blog posts, talking to parents of tween and teen adoptees, talking to adoptees themselves, and observation.  

And here's what I've learned:  five things you MUST do if you're parenting a tween adoptee.  


1:  Have the talk.

If you haven't already, now is the time to have "the talk" with your child.  (Now there are two talks in the case of transracial adoption.  The talk I'm referring to here is the body-birds-bees talk.)

The reason?  Well, one, information and education.  This is true of any tween.  But two, I have often said, it's hard to get the "big picture" of adoption if the child doesn't understand conception, pregnancy, birth, and bodies.  I mean, the whole "stork" business is ridiculous, for any child, but especially for an adoptee who has a first set of parents. 

How this should be done is controversial.  A lot depends on your faith, your own upbringing, your history:  but I want to urge you to use correct terminology, give your child factual information, and provide resources that the child can read if/when he or she wants to.  And if you struggle to have this talk with your child (no shame!  many parents do struggle), get some guidance and insight from professionals and other experienced parents of adoptees.  

You also need to talk to them about puberty, privacy, body positivity, stranger awareness, and all sorts of other things!  

I should note, we had this talk with our kids much earlier than the tween years.  I also believe this isn't a singular talk, but an ongoing conversation.

I'm a big fan of talking, but also of giving your child resources that he or she can refer to privately and on his or her own terms, processing the information at their own pace.  

2:  Read up on adoption during (before) these years, and begin sharing more information with your children.

There are some amazing books available to families.  Last year, I interviewed adoption therapist and transracial adoptee Katie Naftzger, on her book Parenting in the Eye of the Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating the Teen Years.  I encourage you to read the interview and buy her book.

I also have found these books helpful:  

• Dear Adoptive Parents:  Things You Need to Know Right Now-from an Adoptee
• Far from the Tree (this is a FICTION book, but it's received a lot of praise from the adoption community for getting into the heads of teen adoptees and accurately demonstrating their experiences).
• The Whole Life Adoption Book
• Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

See if there is a tween/teen adoption support group in your area.  Some of my friends take their children to culture camps every summer so their children can connect with other adoptees who share their same race.  Of course, it's never to late to get a mentor for your adoptee as well! 

And remember, empathy is ALWAYS the right answer when your child has feelings about adoption.  It's THEIR journey, and you are along for the ride:  not the other way around.  

3:  Remember that connective parenting doesn't end just because your child is another year older.

If anything, connective parenting is more important than ever before! Refresh your memory on The Connected Child, check out the free videos on the Empowered to Connect website (I cannot tell you how many times I've frantically looked up a video there!), and remember the core principles you used up until this point.   This is a good time for you and your partner to create a new parenting plan, adjusted to meet your child's needs and situation. 

Tween hormones:  they will be one of your greatest challenges.  Be sure to refer to point #1, and tell your child:  hormones can make you have mood swings, they can make you feel more emotions more intensely: and this is normal.  Talk to your child about how some methods and tools to deal with their feelings.  AND, recommit to connective parenting, because Lordy, you're going to need it!   

One thing we do, that I shared in a prior post, is take our kids on dates.  There is no reason for this to stop just because your child is a tween (or teen).  Though he or she may begin toddler wave #2, seeking independence and some isolation from parents, it doesn't mean this is what you have to accept as the family standard.  Take your child on dates that he or she enjoys, preferably ones that involve interacting, such as going to your tween's favorite restaurant together for dinner (vs. something like going to a movie, where you aren't speaking to each other).  

4:  Seek professional help.

If your family doesn't have an attachment-connective-adoption- competent mental health professional on stand-by, this is the time to find one.  Even if your child seems totally fine, there is no harm in having a go-to person if the need arises.  (My friend Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee and mom by adoption, advises in her book that parents shouldn't "borrow trouble"---meaning, don't put issues on your child that he/she doesn't have, but also realize you know your child best and need to do what he or she needs:  a sacred parenting balance.)  Also, my reading of adoptees has taught me that they often hide their true feelings for a number of reasons, one of which is because they are fearful to upset or hurt their parents.  Having a neutral, third party available is a safety net for parents and children.

I think it's important to share that some generations and some individuals still subscribe to mental health stigmas.  They might feel shame seeking professional help or feel that such services are only for "other people" who have big problems.  This simply isn't true.  Mental health services can be incredibly beneficial to anyone.  If you find yourself hesitant to seek professional help for your child and/or your family, because of your own beliefs, work to overcome those so that you do not avoid giving your family what they need to be successful!   One way to do this is to seek counseling as an individual, to "test out the waters."  

5:  That other (critical) talk.

If you've adopted transracially, this is also a good time to have a more in-depth conversation with your child about the realities of being a person of color and interactions with police, as well as the broader issues of racism.  Like the "birds and the bees" talk I referred to in point #1, the other talk is NOT a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.   There are resources available to families for these conversations, but first, you must yourself have an understanding of race in America.  You can check out this prior post on five books I recommend you read.  

I urge you to talk to your friends of color to assist you in talking to your child.  This is NOT the time to be prideful:  rather, you NEED trusted friends of color to help you parent your child.  As your child is increasingly independent, you'll need to have these conversations again and again, preparing them for facing police encounters without the umbrella of your white privilege.

Parenting our tweens is an honor, but it's also a major responsibility.  How have you navigated the tween years so far?  Or what are you doing to prepare to do so?