Where Is God in Adoption?

The year was 2009.  I had won a giveaway of Russell D. Moore's book Adopted for Life:  The Priority of Adoption for Christian Familiesand Churches.  

I devoured it in a matter of days, just as I do any newly released adoption book.  

And it made me squirm.  

I'm a person of faith.  I became a Christian at age 9.  I've grown up in church.  (We're talking hymnals, communion, John 3:16, revival, VBS, NKJV Bible church.  Anyone else?) 

At age 27, I became a mom by adoption.  And then, just as it is now, I heard the same things over and over again.  That God "called" people to adoption.  That orphans needed us, NOW!  That we were to get saved and then adopt kids and get them saved, too.  

And none of it sat well with me.  And it still doesn't.  

Can I tell you some truths about God and adoption?  Lessons I've learned over the past decade? 

"Christian" doesn't mean ethical.

An agency that has Christian in its name or description may be what you're aiming toward, because you believe that "Christian" carries with certain responsibilities and promises.  But let me be very clear:  Christianity is a spectrum, and some adoption professionals use their "Christian" status to do unethical things.  "Christian" isn't a safeguard in adoption, though it certainly should be.  We have personally worked with both Christian and non-religious adoption professionals, and above all what's most important is the professional commitment to ethics.  

What is an ethical adoption?  Well, that's a BIG topic, and I focus heavily on it here. 

The "widows and orphans" Bible verse is not about today's adoption industry.

I see it ALL the time.  Hopeful parents and those who have recently brought a child home, or hope to do so, boast of James 1:27. (NIV: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.") They use the verse to promote adoption as God's will.  

Many adoptees are not orphans.  This verse is not a command to swoop in and "save" children, especially not those who don't need "saving."  

Notice the TWO parts of the verse?  Widows AND orphans.  So often, I see adoptive parents shaving the verse down to fit their personal purpose:  to adopt a child.  

Which leads us to Ephisians 1:5 (another famous adoption Bible verse). (NIV:  "he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.")  Jesus Christ is the holiest of holy.  He "adopted" His sons and daughters through his redemptive, relentless, radical love.  

But we, as adoptive parents, aren't saviors of our children.  We just are not. And if you believe that you are the savior/superhero, it means you're putting yourself on a pedestal, leading your adoptee needing to be grateful for your "sacrifice."  And that's just jacked.  That's complicated.  That's not OK.  

God is love, and love conquers all!

Jesus' love can absolutely conquer all.  I wholeheartedly believe that.

But human love? Human love is flawed and wrought with issues.  And our human love cannot "conquer" our children's trauma, for example.  Or the needs of our children of color.

Love is a wonderful, critical foundation, but it is not enough when it comes to parenting adoptees.  

But Jesus and Moses were adopted, so God must love adoption!

There are very few similarities between Jesus and Moses being "adopted" and today's adoptions.

Today's adoption industry is full of unethical adoption professionals capitalizing on baby-hungry hopeful parents.  There are so many intricacies:  money, coercion, information, propaganda.   

I don't want you to believe you can't adopt ethically.  You can.  We did, four times.  Which leads us to this...

Where is God in adoption today?

God is in the step-by-step choices you make along your adoption journey, IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO BE THERE.   If you welcome Him into that space and honor Him in your choices, thereby also honoring the biological/expectant parents and most of all, honoring your child, the adoptee.  

You can't tell your adoptee that "Jesus loves adoption so you should love your adoption too," instead of letting your child, the adoptee, feel as he/she feels and work through his/her emotional journey.  

Instead, God can assist all members of the triad through the ups and downs that inevitably come with adoption.  The complexities, the questions, the fears, the joys.  God can be in the midst of those.  

Any type of adoption, whether it be spiritual or legal, does share commonalities:  love and devotion and hope.  But in my opinion, we shouldn't equate Jesus' death and resurrection, and His offer of salvation, to what we are doing or have done to build our family.  One is holy, one is selfish.  One is perfect, one is flawed.

There are stark differences.  And if we fail to acknowledge those differences, I fear that we have lost the depth of Christ's sacrifice for us and have put way too high of expectations on our children, the adoptees, the ones who matter most in the adoption.  

What do you think?  Where is God in adoption?  

  

When Adopting Feels Like a Sick, Practical Joke

I walked through the store, quickly and purposefully, certain that at any moment, I would be discovered as a fraud.  

I headed straight to the back of the store where the baby clothing was.   And I looked.  I told myself, I'm looking as a mom, not as a hopeful mom.  This is is.  This is MY turn.  This is MY day.   

I looked through every single rack of pink and white clothing.  I wanted to choose the exact right outfit:  the perfect one to say "welcome to the world" to my little girl.  

Then, there it was.  I held it up and examined the detail.  The zig-zag stitching, the tiny snaps, the delicate pink and warm white.   This was it.  

I made my way to the front of the store, my confidence and excitement quickly melting away.  Once again, I felt like someone who didn't deserve such hope and happiness.  After all, I wasn't really a mom...yet.  

I was certain the cashier would call me out.   Would reject my purchase.   But he didn't.  He just smiled, swiped my credit card, placed the outfit in a plastic bag, and said, "Please take our online survey. Have a nice day."  

I walked out of the store with it's artificial lights and into the natural sunlight in the parking lot.  I slid into my car (with no carseat in the back) and drove home.   

What had I done?  What was I thinking?  

Every time we had our adoption profile shown, it was either a "not you" or a "they're parenting."  We were almost matched, twice, once with a mom in Hawaii and once with a mom in Michigan.  But the communication with both moms faded.  Almost every time, as I shared in my newest book, we were shown for Caucasian boys.  This profile showing, the one we were waiting to hear back on, was for an African American baby girl in Tennessee.   

The day I learned about this possibility, I decided I was sick and tired of waiting.  Because though we'd only been officially been waiting a year, I had been waiting far longer to be a mommy.   

Two days later we got an e-mail from the social worker. 

Not chosen.  

So I returned the outfit.  Because it was for a specific HER, and that her wasn't to be OURS.  

It was a vicious cycle:  a dance of hope and rejection. Yet this was the first time I dared to dream enough, to hope enough, that I bought a specific baby a gift that I dreamed to give from "mom and dad."  As I returned the gift, I felt embarrassed, tired, and depressed.   

What was wrong with us?  Why weren't we parents yet?  Why did I see profile after profile on our agency's page stamped "placed" in bold print while ours still sat there, desperately?   

It was exhausting to be rejected over and over and over.  And at every turn, our nearest and dearest, be it family members, church members, friends, and co-workers would ask, "Heard anything yet?"  At first it was endearing.  They were excited for us.  But at a certain point, I just wanted to scream in frustration.  

With every "no" my heart broke a little more.  I felt jealousy (of other couples), bitterness, and shame creep in and create a home in my soul.   I didn't understand why I had so clearly knew we'd adopt, yet we hadn't adopted.   

I rationalized:  we were educated, financially stable, had great families, loved to travel, went to church every Sunday, and were happy.   So why not us?   Weren't we an expectant mom's dream couple?  

It's well over a decade later, and when I drive down the road in my minivan FULL of kids, remembering the fact that now I'm blessed beyond measure, I realize a few things:

1:  I wasn't really ready to adopt at the time I thought I was.  I still had lessons to learn, people to meet (as I outline extensively in my new book). 

2:  All of those babies who didn't become mine weren't meant to be mine.  They belonged to other mommies and daddies:  either their biological ones or the ones that adopted them.  

3:  After waiting twelve months, due to a few experiences we had, a shift happened.  I began asking God to bless the woman who was carrying our future baby, to bless her with peace and wisdom and strength, rather than crying to God that I needed a baby RIGHT THEN, RIGHT NOW, to fulfill MY needs.   The adoption journey became about the baby and expectant mother and not about me.

Because these lessons were learned, this wisdom bestowed, I was able to readily receive the surprise of a lifetime:  a "cold call" asking if we wanted our profile shown for an African American baby girl born that morning.  We said, of course, and two hours later, the call that said, "Come get your daughter."  

And two years later, another "cold call" for another girl, on THE DAY we started waiting to adopt a second time.  

And two years later, a two month match and then the birth of our son.  

And three-and-a-half years later, the four-and-half-month match and then the birth of our daughter.

Every wait.  Every "no."  Every tear.  It was ALL worth it.  Because every time of in between was a lesson in what we needed to be the best parents we could to the babies who would become ours.

So if you're in a place now where you're feeling broken, rejected, discouraged, uncertain, confused, may I tell you this?  That your miracle may be just one day away. And I know that you've perhaps told yourself this for many days, weeks, and years on end.  But the truth is, any moment could be your last day of not being a mom.  Your future can change in a split second:  that phone call or e-mail.  The one that says, "Congratulations."

Hold on, dear.  Just a little longer.  Have faith, and lean on the only ONE who knows what the future holds.  Pray for the expectant mothers who are making decisions for their babies.  Pray that your heart doesn't harden, so you are ready and able to learn the lessons God has for you and for your hands to be open to the little one that is coming your way.  

Take it from someone who has been there:  your "yes" is pending.  Are you ready?  

Dear Sugar: To the Hopeful and Waiting Adoptive Parent at Christmas

Dear Sugar:

This is my absolute most favorite time of year.  Like I'm certified Buddy-the-Elf-Christmas-crazy.

I love every single thing about Christmas:  the tree decorating, cookie baking, gift buying and wrapping, music listening, church attending, photo taking, present exchanging, movie watching.  It's also going to be quite magical to celebrate the holiday now that our daughter is a year old:  bring on the wrapping-shredding, bow-wearing, box-smashing!  

I'm very thankful for both the peace and chaos this season brings, because wow, has it been a year in the G-house.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had subsequent surgery, my sixth book was published, and we finalized our daughter's adoption.

I am, while full of joy (and relief) for the season ahead, remember what it was like to celebrate Christmas without a baby...again.  Waiting for your child can be the most excruciating, heart-torturing, soul-shaking season of your life.  You might smile on the outside, but there's an internal storm.  Everything around you is all-about-family.  It's all very Hallmark.  But you don't have those warm and fuzzies, because everywhere you turn, you are reminded of what you do not have.

^^^This photo was taken on Christmas Day in 2007.  You can see that we had baby on the brain, just as we had for several years.   (We were SO young!)

We were gifted many things that day for our future child...and we laughed, and awwww'd, and smiled.  But, I remember taking a bathroom break during the gift-opening chaos and having to take deep breaths and collect my thoughts before stepping back into the joy and mayhem of wrapping paper and cookies.  

This season is hard.  Because when you're waiting for a baby, there are babies EVERYWHERE.   And not just babies, but beautiful babies who grin and wave, who sit on Santa's lap, who snuggle and drift to sleep in Christmas jammies. 

There is no way around the pain.  There is only through.  

I don't know how long you've been waiting for your day to become a mommy, but I do know that waiting is never easy. Adoption is full of unknowns.  You know the call can come at ANY day and ANY time, which is both the hope and the discouragement.  

I'm not going to tell you to "suck it up" and enjoy Christmas. That's not helpful.  I'm also not going to tell you that "there is purpose in your pain" and that "everything happens for a reason." Also not helpful.

But I will tell you there's a pretty well-known baby who was anxiously awaited for...who was born into unexpected circumstances.  Who was a treasured surprise.  And He is who we celebrate at Christmas.  Look to Him, to His miraculous story, when you wonder, where is my baby?

As you wait and wonder, wait and wonder, I want you to know that it is OK, even healthy, to fall in love with a baby that is not yet yours.  You are an REM.  (If you've read my new book, you know what that is!).

As you struggle and savor (repeat), here are a few ideas on how to enjoy the holidays while waiting:

-find your future baby a Christmas gift.  Wrap it.  Put it under the tree.  It can be anything:  a toy, a onesie, a board book, a photo frame.  (Remember how women used to have hope chests?  My mom has one:  it's full of super-special things.  Maybe it's time to bring back the hope chest?)  How about this highly anticipated new children's book by mom-by-adoption Hoda Kotb?  (Click on image to pre-order)



-give yourself permission to grieve and yearn.  It's perfectly OK to turn down attending some celebrations in order to curl up on the couch with hot chocolate and a movie while wearing your pjs, because you are trying to deal with BIG feelings.  Give your soul a chance to relax and unwind.  

-while you want to give yourself grace, please don't neglect the things that you know will bring joy.  Don't deprive yourself of that joy as if you're making some sacrifice that will superstitiously make your phone ring.  Bake cookies with your relatives, participate in the Dirty Santa gift giving/taking game, wear the reindeer ears to work like your fellow co-workers.   

-buy your future baby a Christmas ornament.  Something that symbolizes your anticipation.  Hang it on the tree.  Pray over the anticipation of a child joining your family every time you glance at the ornament.

-check-in with your partner over a lovely date night dinner.  Relish in your moments as a pair where you can eat and drink what you want, stay out late, and have quiet conversations.  It's OK to be happy while also struggling to wait for your baby:  the two can co-exist. 

Please know, you are NOT alone. Madeleine Melcher (adoptee and mom-by-adoption) and me (mom-by-adoption) co-authored a book centered on faith and adoption to bring you the encouragement you need year-round.   We pray it blesses you as you wait for your baby.

Dear Sugar: Bible Verses to Encourage You Along Your Journey

Dear Sugar:

Ten years.  Four adoptions.  Twenty (plus) profile viewings.  Two "stork drops."  Two pre-birth matches.  Dozens of trips to Kansas City.   Open adoption.  Ethical adoption.  Transracial adoption. Domestic infant adoption.   A chronic disease.   Four homestudies.   Four judges.  Two lawyers. Three adoption agencies.  Four social workers.

Whew!

Whether you are considering adoption, are waiting to adopt, are waiting to adopt again, or are parenting a child you adopted, these verses will encourage and inspire you along the way.   They are some of my absolute favorites!   ***Click on the center of the image to pin***

For more encouragement along your journey, check out the book I co-authored with (adoptee and mom-by-adoption) Madeleine Melcher, where we offer you 52 devotions to carry you through the year:


-This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

Dear Sugar: To the New Mom-By-Adoption, Here's Some Encouragement

Dear Sugar:

How are you doing?  If you're anything like I was almost nine years ago, you're feeling conflicted. You're enjoying your baby, but you're also nervous.  You're a new mom, and not just any new mom, but a new mom by adoption.  That comes with extras:  extra pressure, extra expectations, extra considerations.   And honestly, it's overwhelming and can be unnerving.   

Me snuggling my brand new (oldest) baby.

As a mom of four, all of whom came to us by domestic, infant, transracial, open adoption, I want to offer you some encouragement.   Because I've been where you are.   And I know it's not easy.

Let's first get this out of the way:  there are high expectations of you.   These are put on you by yourself, by the adoption community, by your family, by your friends and co-workers, by strangers. It's expected that you be overjoyed.  That you are a great mom.  That you relish in sleepless nights and diaper blowouts, because you've waited so long to become a mommy.   

But motherhood, no matter how it comes to you, is difficult.  There's not guidebook.  There's no map. There's no magic 8 ball.  There's no genie in a bottle.   And if you find yourself struggling with any area of motherhood (not having time to shower, a harsh word from a friend, maternity leave, etc.), you are NORMAL.  And you are not alone.   

Here's what I want you to know:  

Be both humble and confident.  

Humility comes by accepting the suggestions, advice, and encouragement (yes, encouragement!) from the people who matter. Who are those people?   They are fellow moms-by-adoption, they are people who racially match your child, they are people who are on "your team" (the ones who want you to succeed and enjoy motherhood), they are adoptees.  Know what true humility is:
  

Confidence comes with time and experience.  You know, good things come to those who wait. Confidence isn't prideful or egotistical.  No.  Confidence is strength, joy, and peace.    

Reject the Super Parent Syndrome.

Those of us who adopt are often revered in society.  We are saviors.  We are the ones who swooped in and saved the babies who needed "a good home."  Our children are "lucky":  lucky to be adopted.   We must reject these things.   Because one, we aren't saviors:  we're just parents who chose to grow our families by adoption.  And, because our children aren't the lucky ones:  WE ARE the lucky ones, lucky enough to have been chosen to parent our children.    

And the main reason we must reject Super Parent Syndrome:   oh how the mighty fall!   Being put on a pedestal means we have A LOT to live up to.  We will never feel like enough.  We won't be content. We won't relish in being parents.  Instead, we will work and struggle, every moment of every day, to not fall of the pedestal.   
Turn away from critics who distract you from your job and your joy.  

Accepting suggestions and advice from experienced individuals is one thing (and it's necessary), but accepting criticism from haters, letting that fester within you, and put a damper on your day:  well, that's your own silly fault!   Often this stems from "support" groups online (insert eye roll and sprinkle the drama like confetti), from someone who has no clue about about adoption (race, ability, etc.), and even strangers.  This is when I need you to remember what I taught you.   First, you can choose not to respond at all:  which is more powerful than responding.  Second, if someone is relentless or you feel you MUST reply, remember the five magic words?   

Speak the words.  Walk away.  Your job is to mother your child, which is what you were chosen to do, not defend your decisions. 

I know it's not always easy to do these things.  The best things in life usually are the most difficult.   

Remember:  your obligation is to your child and your family.  Keep it simple.   And ENJOY your new motherhood.  The old ladies at the grocery store are right:  time really does fly by.   

---
For more encouragement on the journey, check out my book:


 
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Dear Sugar: On Mother's Day, Adoption, Waiting, and Hope

Dear Sugar,

It's the eve of Mother's Day weekend.   I know the two words---Mother's Day---will greet each of you with a different reaction. 

Perhaps you're celebrating this day for the first time since adopting. Perhaps it's ANOTHER Mother's Day in which you aren't yet someone's mom.  Perhaps you're the mother of a large, beautiful family through adoption.    

No matter where you are, I want to offer you a virtual cup of hot tea and a hug.  

I have been the mom-in-waiting.  I have been the mom-in-mourning.  I have been the mom-in-rejoicing.  I have been the mom-in-anticipating. 

This week, I've been working really hard to bring you hope, no matter where you are on your journey.   Here's some of the things I've been up to.  Find what applies to you.   I pray my words bring you exactly what you need as we begin this holiday weekend. Click on the topic that speaks to your heart to be taken to the full post:

On Mother's Day without yet being a mother:  Waiting for motherhood on Mother’s Day always felt fragile, anxiety-inducing, and depressing. There was truly no way to ease the heartache. Struggling while standing by for “the call” that will change your world is difficult, to say the least, but it is an unavoidable part of the journey.


On waiting for your first Mother's Day:  Every Mother’s Day, I remember the many times I sat in my isolation, anger, and jealousy. I remember the many women today who are sitting in my yesterday.If you are her, I see you, I know you, and I am cheering for you. I don’t know how or when, but your motherhood is coming. Hold on just a little longer.

On being a "great" mom:  Though I am not a great mom because I chose to adopt, I am a great mom because I was chosen. 

Waiting for your child and making the right choices TODAY: As you wait for your child, I implore you to think beyond the now. I know you’re tired of waiting.  I know the road has been long and bumpy.  I know you’re disappointed, exhausted, and disheartened. I know because I have been there.   But you know what a good mom or dad does?  A good mom or dad doesn’t just consider the path at their feet.  No.   A good parent considers the future.  All the tomorrows.   And makes the best choices he or she can for the well-being of their child’s forever.

On remembering and recognizing first/birth/bio/natural moms on Mother's Day:  Each Mother’s Day, when I pose with my children for our annual photo, I am reminded of how blessed I am to be the one they call “Mom,” and how my claim to motherhood came at a tremendous cost. I am honored to have the privilege of raising my three babies. I have vowed to never forget the women who gave my children life, because I know their first mothers won’t ever forget either.

On bringing more women into your circle of motherhood and honoring the gift of donor breastmilk:  I may not have been able to give my baby the gift of breast milk, but you selflessly did. Given all that I have been through to become a mother, I’ve realized it’s more important to invite a circle of mothers into your child’s life than for one woman to be a child’s everything. Thank you for being in my child’s circle.

I hope you will let your feelings release.  I hope you will care for yourself on the holiday that brings about mixed emotions and hard reminders.   I hope you will dance with faith.  I hope your wait ends soon.   I hope your heart heals. I hope you have strength and courage. 

I truly believe Mother's Day is for us all, no matter where we are on our journey.   

---

As you wait for your baby, or as you parent your new little one, you will find the encouragement you need to keep going in the book I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher.   Between us, we have seven children, many different adoption experiences (Madeleine is an adoptee) and opinions, and a common held faith in Jesus.   Our book offers you 52 chapters, arranged alphabetically by topic, journaling space, and thought-provoking questions.   -Click on the book graphic to learn more-

-This post contains Amazon affiliate links

Dear Sugar: 5 Tips for the Woman on the Brink of Adoption Burnout

Dear Sugar:

This is for you, the woman on the brink of adoption burnout, from moi, a person who has been there many times over the course of the past ten years.  Yeah, that's a decade.  

If you haven't felt the burnout yet, you will.  I don't mean to be pessimistic.  Rather, I'm dishing you some truth.

Adoption burnout can result in a lot of colliding emotions (fear, anger, confusion, disappointment, apathy, frustration, hopelessness, discouragement) resulting from one's journey to adopt.  Usually one begins full of elation and bright-eyed anticipation, but as the weeks, months, even years go by, paper after paper is filled out, and all one does is wait (perhaps with major highs and lows as a result of a failed placement or referral), adoption burnout hits fast and hard.   And it's not fun.

If you are at the point where you have reached burnout, here are five practical tips:

1:  Read something encouraging.

Nothing is worse than the Internet or Lifetime/Hallmark adoption/surrogacy/nanny-seduces-husband flicks.  You need to shut off the screens and dive in to a good book.   My friend (who is an adoptee) Madeleine Melcher and I co-authored a book specifically for the hard times.  Encouragement for the Adoption and Parenting Journey:  52 Devotions and a Journal offers short, inspirational, honest chapters based in Scripture and personal experience to give you the hope you need to keep going. There's journaling space and discussion/reflection questions at the end of each chapter.  

2:  Get outdoors.

I cannot stress enough how too much indoor time is bad for you. For one, it can be so isolating to sit behind closed doors.  You need sunlight (vitamin D is a wonderful thing, friend), fresh air, and sky/birds tweeting/flowers blooming.  Go for a walk, lay on a lounge chair, or just step outside for a few minutes every day.   I promise it'll do wonders.  Better yet, take your book outside with you (two birds, one stone!).  

3:  Make a date.

I don't care who you date, whether it be your partner, a child you're already parenting, or a friend, but please make a date.  It doesn't take anything extravagant or expensive to make you feel like a new woman.  Coffee and conversation does the heart a whole lot of good.   Regularly scheduled dates (set aside one evening or morning a week) gives you something to look forward to.   

4:  Support.

Waiting to adopt can be really lonely.  I implore you to find an adoption support group and commit to attending.   A great group will have all triad members represented (adoptees, parents who have adopted, birth parents).  And before you think that adoption Facebook group will do, I want to remember point #3 (make a date), because there is NOTHING like eye contact, hugs and handshakes, and in-person conversation.    If you cannot muster up the courage (or energy) to attend an adoption support group in the moment, a good alternative is to find a counselor who understands adoption.  

5:  Treat yo'self.  

What makes you feel good?  Make a happy list and refer to it daily, because you know yourself best. Don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers or chocolate.   And yes, please make a physical list and then set reminders in your phone to do something from that list every.   single.   day.   Too many women insist on putting themselves last, which is, if you think about it, selfish not selfless.   You cannot give what you do not have, Sugar.   And it's important to create habits of self-care TODAY so that you will continue you to carry those out after you become a mom by adoption.  

Sugar, what would you add to the list?   What makes you feel good?  What helps you get out of your rut?

Dear Sugar: To Those Who Are Waiting for Their Baby and Need Encouragement

Dear Sugar,

Those of you waiting for your baby, whether your first or your fifth, I get you.   I know exactly how you feel.   And it sucks. 

"Sucks" is a word I wasn't allowed to use growing up.  It was made popular by Bart Simpson, a potty-mouthed kid with a crude family.   Saying "sucks" was a big no-no. 

But it is absolutely the best word to describe waiting for a baby. 

I know.  You feel helpless.  And hopeless.  You are both tired and full of energy.   You pour that energy into the wrong places.  You know what I mean.  You're going to stalk other waiting families via their online adoption profiles.  You're going to compare yourself to them.  Then you're going to watch Lifetime and Hallmark movies where adoptions happen in a matter of two hours, nicely wrapped up at the end.  Happily ever (freaking) after.  Then you gorge on ice cream while wearing an oversized tee shirt (you wipe your eyes with) that you have NO business wearing anymore.   

And it sucks.  

Let me talk to you as someone on the other side.   Every adoption journey was hard and challenging in its own ways.   Every journey had its beautiful surprises and frightening moments.  

And every single journey, every single second and minute and hour and day and week and month and year waiting was WORTH IT.   Every tear.  Every doubt.  Every phone call.  Every "no."  It was all worth it.

I can't tell you how or when you're wait will end.  Only God knows.  

But I am certain of this:  if you are a hopeful-parent who is diligently open to adopting ethically and in education, you are well-prepared for your future child.  Your heart is open to possibilities, and yes, even to challenges, that come with any adoption journey (including the ongoing relationships in open adoption with birth family). 

A word-of-warning:  

It is unhealthy and dangerous to go into a deep pit, stay there, stop getting educated, stop pursuing ethics (saying "yes" to any and every possible adoption out of desperation).   It is unfair to bring a baby into a fragile, shaky family that isn't prepared for the ongoing emotions and challenges that adoption can pose.    

Today, I want you to be encouraged.   God is using the wait to teach you, to give you opportunities, to develop your character, to prepare your heart.   Be open to the lessons, the learning, and the loving. 

Remember the saying, "April showers bring May flowers?"  This is you, Sugar.  Right now.  In the wait.   You are in the month of April.   A sitting duck, as they say.   But guess what?  MAY FLOWERS ARE COMING.   

Are you ready?  

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If you'd like access to daily encouragement, please check out the book I co-authored, Encouragement for the Adoption & Parenting Journey:  52 Devotions and a Journal.   

-This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

Dear Sugar: Don't Let the "Rules" Suck the Joy Out of Parenting

Dear Sugar,

Sometimes I gotta take a break from reading about race and adoption and the combination: transracial adoption.   And here's why:

When you read about something TOO much, when you don't walk the line but go OVER the line and beyond, well, you begin to drown in it all.  And that's NOT good for your parenting.

Plus, you begin to feel like you can never be enough AND your parenting becomes legalistic in nature.

It's sort of like faith.   I'm a Christian, and what you need to know about Christianity is that it's a relationship-based faith, not a rule-based faith.  You see, a Christian is someone who accepts Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and opts to become "saved" and "redeemed."  This is ALL based on what Jesus did and can do, not anything that a person can do or did.   (I was reminded of this recently...since we humans love to turn things into "do better" and "try harder.")  

You see, when you're parenting a child by adoption (whether it be special needs adoption, transracial adoption, foster care adoption) there are "rules" you are to follow to be considered a good/educated/empowered parent.

Now I'm all about being and staying educated.  I'm about listening to triad members and members of your child's racial community.  I'm all about celebrating our kids for who they are and encouraging them to become who they want to be while being accepted into their racial community.

HOWEVER,

ahem,

there's a point in which a parent can become simultaneously prideful and uncertain in parenting when trying to follow all the rules.  You begin to drown rather than swim.   You scramble rather than soar.

And it's not healthy.  It's not good for you, it's not good for your child, it's not good for your family as a whole.

This often happens while being sucked in to too much social media.  Listening to strangers in online groups, constantly seeking a stamp of approval or an award.  Becoming a bit paranoid that everyone's eyes are on the parent...and then it becomes not only prideful but self-serving to always be ON IT.  To be the best.

This isn't authentic parenting.  This is about caring more about what everyone else thinks instead of doing what Madeleine Melcher (adoptee and author) tells parents:  to BE the parent and to LISTEN to the child.  

You were chosen to adopt your child by the child's birth family or by a social worker or other professional.  You were chosen for a reason.  Do you remember why?  Likely it wasn't that you were perfect (no one is) but that you were what that particular child needed in a mother.  

If you find yourself scrambling, trying to prove yourself (to yourself or to strangers...like that really matters...), get back to basics.  Find that beginning.   Find the beauty.   Ask God to open the right doors for you versus you trying to barrel through walls.

Today I want to stop trying SO hard.  Today I want you to know that yes, you should always seek to learn and listen, but that you should remember your priorities and with whom you allegiance, your time, your attention, and your heart should lie.

Also, in my experience and opinion, do not forget or neglect to have an in-person village around you and your family.  Social media can be very helpful in connecting us with resources and people, but nothing, nothing replaces face-to-face, authentic, call-me-in-the-middle-of-the-night-if-you-must relationships.

Today, I want you to take a breather.   There's a great book called The Hands Free Life to encourage you if you need to know HOW to break free from always being ON IT.

Dear Sugar, none of us is perfect.  None of us have it all together.   We aren't meant to.  We're beautifully flawed mothers raising children.    That is enough.  That is ok.  

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For more encouragement along your journey of adopting and parenting, check out the book I co-authored with Madeleine Melcher