Adoptive Nursing/Donor Milk Media for Kids

World Breastfeeding Week was at the beginning of this month, and after my initial post, I thought I should share with you some resources to show your kids on adoptive nursing.   There is adoptive nursing/donor milk (in the form of one animal providing milk for another) in the following:

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

Hi, Sugars!  It's World Breastfeeding Week!  Here are a few resources I want you to have:

One of my top five most popular posts, this one on breastfeeding your baby by adoption.  

My favorite adoptive nursing book:  Breastfeeding Without Birthing.  

The best adoptive breastfeeding online support group. 

Award winning bottle-feeding article for breastfeeding moms. 

My favorite adoptive mama who nursed her baby:  blog title I AM NOT THE BABYSITTER

Dr. Sears' breastfeeding book, including a discussion of adoptive nursing (Dr. Sears' wife is a mom-by-adoption and nursed her adopted baby.)

Huffington Post Live segment on adoptive breastfeeding

The best nursing video ever!  

photo from my skin-to-skin photo shoot with my youngest

La Jolie Vie Photography

Around the Web: Good Reading!

On Come Rain or Come Shine: A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children...

First, I'm so honored!  I happened to stumble upon an interview on Jezebel with MSNBC's Melissa Harris-Perry where I saw this response Melissa gave to a fan asking about transracial adoption:

"But I've learned from talking with transracial adoption families that love is critical and important, but not enough. There are complicated issues of identity, culture, and belonging that sensitive parents must deal with, not ignore. It sounds to me like you are a sensitive and proactive parent.

 

We had an amazing guest on the MHP show about a year ago who is white and raising black adopted children, Rachel Garlinghouse. I love her book Come Rain or Come Shine: A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children. You can also visit her website and follow her on Twitter. Rachel is lovely and insightful and may be of help as you navigate this process."

'

You can follow my book on Facebook or find me on Twitter for updates!

 

On adoptive nursing...

 

Last week I participated in a Huffington Post Live segment on adoptive nursing along with two breastfeeding professionals (both adoptive mothers).  This is a topic dear to my heart and one that is increasingly intriguing to adoptive mothers.

 

On type 2 diabetes and minority kids...

 

Did you know that minority children are at an increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes?  The disease can lead to major health complications, including early death.  Read more on adoption.net, learning how to be proactive to protect your child.    

 

On coping with emotions while waiting to adopt a child...

 

"Waiting for the news that you have been referred or chosen can be incredibly frustrating, confusing, disheartening, and anxiety-inducing."  Here's how to cope, from adoption.net.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like... + Adoptive Breastfeeding Confession

Well, it may not be looking like Christmas, but I'm already getting in the spirit!   Here are a few new options for your little one who would enjoy a Black doll this Christmas:

Doc McStuffins Family:  includes dad, mom, Doc, and Doc's little brother.    Exclusively at Toys R Us.  $29.99

African American Holiday Limited Edition 30th Anniversary Cabbage Patch Doll:   Exclusively at Target, soon will be available.  $39.99.   (I bought last year's African American doll on mega-clearance for $11 after Christmas last year, so be sure to keep an eye out for it right after the holidays are over and store it for the following year!).

Disney's "It's a Small World" Doll, Kenya:    $29.95.  This doll sings "It's a Small World" in Swahili and English.  My favorite part is her natural hair!  

----

I'm excited to share that one of my favorite blogs shared my adoptive breastfeeding story today!  Check it out! 

Goodness for Ya

Happy Monday, readers!

First, I'd like to share my new job with you!   I'm pairing with adoption.net to write a column called Asked the Adoption Coach.   Starting tomorrow, you can post your burning questions to their Facebook page.   I hope to hear from you all soon!  

Second, I had the honor of sharing the last chapter of my book on My Brown Baby!    MBB is a fabulous resource for those parenting Black children.  Denene is an adoptee herself.  :)   

Third, check out these fabulous blogs, both of which I've had the privilege of writing for.  There's Slow Mama and Traded Dreams.    And if you're looking into adoptive breastfeeding, swing by The Badass Breastfeeder for some encouragement from other milky-mamas. 

Fourth, did you hear that The Little Couple will soon bring Zoe home?  This is the second transracial adoption for the couple. 

Most Popular Posts + Random Goodness

Occasionally, I check my blog stats.  According to the page, here are some of my most popular blog posts.  I thought I'd share them with you all, especially my newer readers. 

The most popular is a post on adoptive breastfeeding.

The second shares our big news:  our second child arrives! 

Next, beating winter blahs.

And finally, a recent post on adoption ethics. 

Happy reading/re-reading...

And while you are at it, here are some recent fantastic posts that have stirred my heart and mind:

Adoption Is Not Like Purchasing a Prada Bag

A new-ish adoption documentary called Somewhere Between

I'm Not Done Yet

Slow Mama, Adoption, Breastfeeding: Oh My!

I recently had the opportunity to promote my book on my new favorite blog:  Slow Mama.  

I discovered Zoe, Slow Mama's primary author, through a FB group I belong to.   Another mama had posted a link to Zoe's very popular post called "Why I Let My Adopted Preschoolers Nurse."  When I read the post, I was incredibly impressed with Zoe's heart-on-her-sleeve approach to a typically taboo topic.  As if breastfeeding isn't weird enough (saith many), adoptive breastfeeding PRESCHOOLERS (GASP!) to a whole new level.  Her post spoke to me in a way no other blogger had managed to do.  In fact, I included her post in my own recent expressions on the topic of adoptive breastfeeding, which quickly became one of my top five most popular blog posts.   I knew I had to interview this gutsy girl!

So, readers, meet Zoe Saint-Paul---and adoptive mama with zest, wisdom, and authenticity. 

Zoe, Tell me a little about yourself: career, family, likes.

I am first and foremost a wife to my best friend, Brian, and a mother to two incredible little five year-old girls who were born in Ethiopia and adopted in the fall of 2012.

I've worked in many fields over the years, including the performance arts, communications, PR, event planning, and publishing, and I have a Masters degree in counseling. I'm currently a writer, blogger, and certified life coach and I do freelance consulting work for non-profits, start-ups, and media projects.

I grew up in Nova Scotia, Canada, the eldest of 10 children. I'm big into health and food, fascinated by travel and other cultures, and inspired by people who brave their fears and serve others. I love artisanal chocolate, dancing around my living room, reading narrative non-fiction, body products that smell like the forest -- and sleep.

I first discovered your blog through who a friend who shared a must-read blog post you had written called "Why I Let My Adopted Preschoolers Nurse." I was fascinated by your courage to share your experience with your readers. Tell me about why you decided to write that particular post.

I wrote it for two reasons: to encourage other adoptive moms who might face a similar situation; and to add my voice to the growing movement trying to normalize breastfeeding. I hesitated to write it since my story is so outside the box, but a friend -- a breastfeeding advocate and adoptive mom herself -- encouraged me to do it. I've also got a bit of rebel streak so that helped me put it out there! I was amazed by the response -- to date, tens of thousands of people have read that post. Most surprising, the majority of the comments have been positive and supportive.

I have found that once I brought up adoptive nursing with adoptive moms, many have said they had a feeling it would be good for their children, but most have never had the courage to do it. Why do you think there's such fear (shame, confusion, etc.) around adoptive comfort-nursing? And what can we do about it?

Well, most of us -- in North America, anyway -- still assume that breastfeeding is solely for nourishing infants who are biologically born to us. But breastfeeding is much more than that… it's a key way for mothers and children to attach, and children come into the world wired to associate their mother's breasts with nurture and comfort, and that includes adoptive mothers. I think as the public becomes more comfortable with breastfeeding in general -- and breastfeeding children beyond infancy -- adoptive nursing (whether for comfort, nutrition, or both) will be easier to do and accept. But getting there means many of us have to step out of our comfort zones, tell our stories, and correct misinformation and misconceptions.

You've adopted internationally and transracially. Tell me a little about your adoption journey. What parts of adoption have brought you the most joy, and what's brought you challenges?

My husband and I were always drawn to international adoption and when we started the process to adopt from Ethiopia, it was estimated to be a 12-18 month wait for a sibling group, with one trip to Ethiopia. Instead, our adoption journey took over three years and required two trips, which wasn't happy news for a fearful flyer like me. The constant surrender and letting go of expectations throughout the process was a huge challenge. And I absolutely hated all the paperwork.

Our greatest joy is the fruit of our efforts and waiting: our precious daughters. They're incredible human beings and suit us to a tee. We marvel at all they've been through and the incredible progress they've made adapting to their new life. Those first few months after they came home were tough. My husband had to go right back to work and I was on my own with two four year-olds who did not speak or understand English, were having tantrums, and wanted to be held constantly at the same time. I had no family close by and I was sick for about two months straight from all the stress and lack of sleep. We got through it one day at a time. My focus during this first year has been on attachment and bonding -- I knew it was key to everything else.

You talk about adoption on your blog, but you write about many other subjects (as do your other bloggers). Tell my readers what they can gain from reading Slow Mama? And define Slow Mama.

The name "Slow Mama" is a bit tongue in cheek -- an oxymoron, really. But it was inspired by the reasons I launched the blog: First, I wanted to write, and that included writing about my journey to motherhood -- which was happening at a snail's pace. I was so encouraged by reading other adoption blogs and hoped my words could offer the same to others.

Additionally, so many of my life coaching clients were complaining of the speed of their lives and expressing a desire for more meaning. I realized that many of the ideals of the Slow Food movement (with which I was involved) were relevant to a richer life in general: simplicity, quality, community, connection, beauty, craftsmanship, sustainability, traditions. So my blog addresses these themes directly, but many posts are just about my life as a parent, an adoptive mom, and an observer of life. I try to integrate it all together and make SlowMama a fun, informative, encouraging place to visit. My contributors add so much -- I love working with them. I know I'm not alone in my struggle to slow down and live a more grounded, connected life, and a "slow" mama is essentially any woman who's trying to live this way. (For the record, there are plenty of men who read SlowMama, too.)

Is a book in your future? If yes, what about?

Yes, I think so, but the jury is still out as to the topic. Maybe something about slow living, but I'm also interested in exploring issues related to race and adoptive parenting. Stay tuned!

 

 

Where else can my readers connect with you? (FB, Twitter, etc)?

Besides SlowMama, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and LinkedIn

In Celebration of International Breastfeeding Week: An Adoptive Mama's Tale

Let's start with the never(s): 

I have never been pregnant.  I have never purchased a pregnancy test, peed on a stick, and waited to see what it would reveal.  I have never felt a baby kick, hiccup, or "dance" inside my own body.

I have never held my breath and wondered if I would give birth to a boy, or a girl, or one of each.  

I have never had a sonogram picture of my offspring to frame or show off to my friends.  I have never had a blue or pink-themed baby shower where friends guessed the diameter of my middle and gave me monogrammed bibs.  

I have never given birth.  I've never had to decide between a hospital or home birth, between a bed or a tub, between natural childbirth or utilizing an epidural.   I've never had to create a birth plan or choose who would cut the umbilical cord. 

I have never had milk in my breasts.  I've never had to purchase a nursing bra, a nursing tank, nursing pads, or one of those bibs for my child that says, "I like milk." 

My children, all three adopted as newborns, have been fed formula via bottles from the day of their arrival into the world until their twelve-month birthday.

So why am I celebrating International Breastfeeding Week?  

Because, as I've shared before, it's always been my desire to breastfeed.  I know the physical and emotional benefits.  I'm from a family of breastfeeders.  I think a mom nursing her baby is beautiful.

So why didn't I do it?

With baby #1, who arrived after fourteen months of waiting, I didn't have the support.  There weren't communities of support like there are now.   When I brought up the possibility of breastfeeding an adopted baby to one medical professional, she scrunched up her nose and said, "I didn't know that was even possible."    Despite the resistance and lack of resources, a few times, while rocking my infant, I would offer her my breast.   Then I felt ashamed and artificial and quickly slipped her a pacifier.  What if someone saw me?  Or what if my baby latched and actually found comfort at the breast?  Failure and success were both scary.

Baby #2 arrived two years later, on the FIRST day we started waiting.   I had no time to research or prepare.  The baby was THERE, craving my attention as much as her two-year-old sister.   I was juggling a part-time job and two children under the age of two.  I was tired.  Overwhelmed.  And blessed.

Last summer, we started the paperwork to adopt a third child.   And like with all adoptions, one never knows the "due date."   But this time, this time I was going to fulfill my goal.  I was going to breastfeed.    I hired a lactation consultant, rented a pump, and started pumping and drinking mugs full of lactation tea.  

And then a delay.   Our state was at a stand-still on background checks, a required step in the adoption process.  We were told there was no end-in-sight as to when our background checks would be cleared and we could move forward with adopting.

I was discouraged.  And tired.  I was pumping 6x a day, working it around the needs and demands of an almost-four-year-old and almost-two-year-old, my part-time teaching job, and writing a book.    This wasn't the peaceful, happy journey I believed to be true of breastfeeding moms.   Articles on breastfeeding featured professional photos of mothers smiling down lovingly, dreamily, at their nursing babies.   I was staring at a groaning plastic machine that tugged on my nipples for ten minutes, six times a day, while my two kids took the opportunity to empty the cabinets or beckon for another snack or start a wrestling match just inches from the glass facing on our entertainment center.    What if I pumped for months and months with no baby in sight?    What if it took a year or years to adopt a third child?    

So, I gave up.  I packed up my tubing and flanges, returned to pump to my LC, put my nursing cover in storage.  And honestly, I breathed a sigh of relief. 

Two weeks later, our background checks were cleared. 

Two weeks after that, we were matched with an expectant mother.

Two months later, our son was born. 

And today, I'm kicking myself.  My bundle of joy is no longer a bundle.  He's almost seven months old.   He's tall, and he's scooting, and he's saying "dada," and he has two teeth.  Every day, he looks older.   

I've researched adoptive breastfeeding for years.  I have an LC.   I have the tools.   I have the opportunity, as I have chosen to take a break from teaching and stay at home with my children full-time.  I have an able-body.   Sheesh, I wrote an adoption book and even had a section on the importance of attaching and bonding to an adopted child, citing the benefits of adoptive breastfeeding!  Oh, and I facilitate a local adoptive mom support group of seventy women.  Oh, and yes, I'm a fairly crunchy mama:  I baby-wear, I recycle, we eat organic and vegetarian, and I use raw apple cider vinegar for every ailment.   So...

Why, why didn't I have the courage, the confidence, or the conviction to breastfeed my children?

The answer is multi-faceted for both myself and many adoptive mothers.

For one, there just isn't much support or resources for adoptive mothers wishing to breastfeed.   In fact, there's very little information on the importance of adoptive mothers bonding with their infant babies.  The research and support tends to focus on bonding with older children who have come from foster care or orphanages in other countries.    Though, this is steadily (and encouragingly) changing.   I connected with a crunchy, adoptive mother who happens to also be a stellar lactation consultant, and who had the drive to pour her knowledge into a current, comprehensive book on adoptive breastfeeding.    And there's the hard-to-find blog posts on the subject, like my new friend over at Slow Mama who spoke out about breastfeeding her preschooler for the first time.

For another, adoptive breastfeeding isn't all that common in contemporary, Western culture, so when it does happen, it's a real show-stopper.  If you think biological mamas have a hill to climb, at times having to defend their breastfeeding decisions, whatever they are, try being one of the women in my club.   Women like me who have milky-white skin and are raising chocolate-skinned, afro-headed babies.  (As if that alone doesn't turn enough heads and prompt unsolicited stares, comments, questions, and assumptions...)    Adoptive breastfeeding is yet another reason for people to stare, comment, question, and assume.    And most people, I've found, greatly underestimate the importance of the adoptive mother bonding with a child she didn't "home grow"; people often believe an adopted newborn is a blank slate, with no trauma related to the loss of his or her biological family.   It's not that adoptive parents need the public to approve their decisions, but it would be nice if those choices didn't induce the demand for justification.

Another reason is that adoptive breastfeeding takes work:  a lot of it.  Without a pregnancy, an adoptive mother must induce lactation using her chosen path which might involve prescription medications, herbs, massage, pumping, special foods/drinks, etc.    Sometimes women choose to utilize a supplementation device (a bag holds the milk and tubing connecting the bag to the mother's breast), though they can be expensive and require a lot of patience and practice as they can leak, break, or be rejected by the child.    A woman might pump for months, even years, with no baby to put to the breast.   She might never produce any milk, or only a little, rarely establishing a full supply, requiring the baby to not only breastfeed, but for the mother to supplement and possibly continue to pump.   Exhausting. 

Finally, the truth is that some women don't feel that they have earned the right to breastfeed a baby.  We didn't create 'em, grow 'em, birth 'em.    We didn't endure morning sickness, stretch marks, heartburn, weight gain, sleepless nights prompted by an ever-filling bladder.   Our scars aren't physical.   Instead, many of us quietly battle disease, infertility, miscarriage.   We have to prove our worth as a parent to our adoption agencies with background checks, home inspections, interviews, questionnaires, and training.   We are questioned at every turn.   To commit to breastfeeding takes an immense amount of confidence and dedication, which is hard for some adoptive mothers to come by when the journey to motherhood has been nothing but knock-after-knock, question-after-question, demand-after-demand.  Some perceive that adoptive breastfeeding is un-natural or inappropriate for the woman who hasn't birthed the baby ("some" including social workers, the child's biological parents, friends, family, and health care professionals).   

So where does that leave those of us who haven't birthed our children?  

Last month, my friend, who is a breastfeeding mama, middle-school teacher, and photographer, posted that she was offering mother and child feeding session photo shoots.   I immediately sent her a message and said, What about a skin-to-skin shoot?   She was in. 

So on a sunny Saturday morning, she came over with her baby, and she snapped hundreds of photos of me with my son.  In the background, her daughter cooed and babbled, while my friend smiled and gently directed and winked at my little one.   The shoot went well, and I anxiously waited for her to send me the pictures.

Two days later, the pictures were ready.  I held my breath and began to browse.

The photos were just stunning.  

I think when you see a photo of yourself, it's easy to criticize your looks:  your chin, your hairstyle, your thighs, your paint-chipped toenails.    But this time, I didn't go there.  I just watched picture after picture scroll through on my computer screen, each more beautiful than the last.  

All I saw was love.  Smiles.  Adoration.  Bonding.   Pink skin on brown skin.   Mother and baby.  My precious son. 

 

 

I think I'll continue to wrestle with my decision to breastfeed my son or not.   I am both overwhelmed and blessed with my three young children and my role as a stay at home mother.   I continue to feel a mix of guilt and relief for choosing not to induce lactation.  (So I'm trying out a Lact-aid with my son...slowly and steadily and also bottle-nursing).      

What I want adoptive mamas to know is that putting your child, whom you adopted, to your breast, is ok.  Your child very much needs that assurance, that time to learn your scent, your heartbeat, your voice, your texture.    You don't need to "earn" it, seek approval, or accept the judgement of others (or even yourself).  Quiet those disapproving, doubting voices and hear this:    

You are the mother. 

Breastfeeding Without Birthing author Alyssa Schnell spends much of her book talking about the protocols a mother might use to induce lactation.  There's charts and graphs and photographs.  All necessary to the book's goal.   However, woven throughout the chapters, Alyssa gently yet confidently reminds her readers of this:   nursing's utmost goal isn't to produce milk; nursing is about a relationship with your child.  

My son doesn't, and probably never will, receive milk from my breasts.  And in the quiet moments I have with him, I know that what he wants from me, what he NEEDS from me, is what I've been giving him all along:   love from my heart. 

  

---

This post was inspired by MOTHERING, who is celebrating International Breastfeeding Week.   Click here to read posts by other fab bloggers!  







  

Breastfeeding...Without Birthing?

Once upon a time...

I was going to breastfeed without birthing.

It started with baby #1.  I asked questions, but I really didn't get much support.  People thought it was WEIRD.  Even adoptive mamas.   It was hush-hush.  I was embarrassed.  Why did I have the inkling or urge to breastfeed when I didn't give birth?   I didn't deserve the opportunity.  I didn't earn the right.   I wasn't the REAL mom...(yet). 

So I didn't.

Then baby #2 came on day #1 of waiting.  Whoa.   There was no time to prepare.   And I was a bit frantic.   I mean, I expected to wait months, if not a year or more.   God had other plans...   So then I had a 2-year-old and a newborn.  There was no way breastfeeding was going to happen.

Then when baby #2 was about 1.5, we got a call to adopt a toddler.  Out-of-the-blue.  So we scrambled, made many, many phone calls.  And in the end, he wasn't our son.  The complications of the interstate adoption without our paper work in order was just too much.  (Thankfully, he went to a family whom we knew and adore!)    But we began to wonder...why did we get that phone call? Were we supposed to be getting our paperwork in order?

By the time we were preparing for baby #3, I began to re-explore adoptive breastfeeding.  I found a Le Leche leader and consultant, had a consultation, got a pump, and started pumping.  Then we learned that IL DCFS and the FBI had a contract dispute with NO END IN SIGHT.   Meaning, we had no idea how long it would be before we could get our background checks and officially start waiting for a baby.  In our frustration, I stopped pumping.  I wasn't willing to pump for months on end, not knowing when we'd ever be in the clear to adopt.

But then a few weeks later, all our paperwork was taken care of, and then we got the call we had been matched.  Should I start to pump again?   I was tired of adoption already...and I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  And a part-time job.  And a house.   And...and..and.  So I didn't.   We were placed in January with Baby Z.

He may be our last baby.  I hope he isn't.  But he might be.

And it's sad to think of all the times I wanted to breastfeed and didn't for a myraid of reasons:  feeling like others wouldn't approve/understand, unsure my diabetes could handle the physical demands of breasfeeding, unsure I was willing to make the appropriate sacrifies, unsure I really wanted to do it, feeling tired, feeling uncommitted.

Ug!

I'm sharing all this because finally, finally, FINALLY, there is a book (with a fantastic author) who is here to tell adoptive mothers that you CAN breastfeed, and you CAN deal with the doubts and challenges, and you CAN do all these things because you have HER support!  

Meet my new friend Alyssa Schnell, author of Breastfeeding Without Birthing.  

Rachel:  Your book, Breastfeeding Without Birthing, was just published. What was your motivation for writing the book?

Alyssa:  Writing this book has been a dream of mine since I first started seriously researching adoptive breastfeeding soon after deciding to adopt. The book that I was hoping to find to help me successfully breastfeed my baby through adoption did not exist. So, I researched until I found everything that I needed. I was all out there, but not in one easily accessible and organized resource. I wanted take what I had learned on my journey to help other mothers who wanted to breastfeed a baby they did not birth. And that is why I decided to write this book.

Rachel:  Tell me about yourself, personally and professionally.

Alyssa:  I am the mother of three children, now ages 16, 13, and 7. My first two children arrived by birth and my youngest by adoption. I fell in love with breastfeeding with my first, although it was tough at the beginning. I got through the rough spots with the help of La Leche League and went on to become an accredited La Leche League Leader so that I could help others in the way that I was helped. I clearly recall the day I received all of my reading materials as I began the process of becoming an LLL Leader, because the first thing that I did was scan all of it for any information about breastfeeding an adopted baby. That surprised me, since we had no plans to adopt at that time. But the seed was planted. Several years later, my husband and I decided to adopt and I knew that I would breastfeed. We adopted a darling baby girl in November 2005 and breastfeeding went beautifully. I became even more passionate about breastfeeding than ever before. At that point, I decided to make a career of it and became certified as a lactation consultant. I work in private practice in the St. Louis area. I work with all breastfeeding mothers and babies, but I have an extra special place in my heart for working with adoptive mothers.

Rachel:  How is your book different than other breastfeeding guides?

Alyssa:  What I found in researching adoptive breastfeeding was that the information available out there was either too vague or too prescriptive. For example, one source mentions that mothers can use herbs such as fenugreek to help induce lactation, but it doesn’t say how to use the herbs and which other herbs may be helpful. Another source gives very specific instructions for inducing lactation which work great for some mothers, but aren’t a good fit for many others. And almost all of it is outdated, including one source that recommends a medication that is no longer considered safe. My book aims to provide detailed information and the most current information available, while at the same time providing lots of options so that each mother can customize her plan for breastfeeding to match her individual needs.

Rachel:  Many adoptive mothers consider breastfeeding, but don't end up pursuing

it. Why is that? And what can we do, as adoption-supporters, to help women

feel that it's ok to have a desire to breastfeed?

Alyssa:  I suspect that most adoptive mothers who are interested in breastfeeding but don’t pursue it do not have adequate support and information: it seems difficult and overwhelming, they don’t know how it will fit in with their (uncertain) adoption plans, and they don’t know where they can get help. They may have even heard of other adoptive mothers who had bad experiences with attempting to breastfeed for these very reasons. I am hoping to change all this.

It is very normal for an adoptive mother to want to feed and nurture her baby in the same way that mothers throughout time have done so. Those of us who support adoption know that that the love, commitment, and bond that we have for our adopted children is no less than if that child grew in our womb. I wonder if some people feel that breastfeeding an adopted baby is unnatural because of a bias that the adoptive mother is not the “real” mother. My daughter once asked me if her birthmother is her “real” mother. I said that she is. I said that I am, too.

Rachel:  You have written that breastfeeding is about bonding, not about milk. Can

you share a bit more about this? And what would you say to an adoptive mother

who really wants to breastfeed but isn't able to produce much/any milk, feels uncomfortable, or is discouraged?

Alyssa:  Over the past 11 years working with breastfeeding mothers, I have heard from mothers that the most common reason that they decided to breastfeed was because of the health benefits of providing their milk to their babies. However, when I ask mothers who are already breastfeeding why they continue, they say that the closeness is the most important part. Once we actually hold that little angel against our breast, see her look adoringly into our eyes as she suckles and releases the breast with that milky smile…there is no greater high than that. And this isn’t just emotional – it’s physiological. The hormones released during breastfeeding help both mother and baby feel calm and connected with each other. Breastfeeding isn’t just feeding - it is a unique, loving relationship between mother and baby.

Because breastfeeding is much more than feeding, a mother can still breastfeed even if she makes little or no milk. In many cases the mother will use an at-breast supplementer, which is a bag or bottle which hangs around mother’s neck and delivers extra milk or formula through a tiny tube to the mother’s nipple. We call this the “external milk duct” and it allows a baby to completely feed and comfort at the breast. Other mothers who don’t produce a significant amount of milk will nurse primarily for comfort and bottle-feed to provide nutrition. Some babies will not be interested in latching at the breast if there is no flow, but others won’t mind. I love this quote from a dear colleague of mine: “Mothering success is not measured in ounces – or drops – of milk that flow from breast to mouth; it’s measured in the love that flows between mother and baby.” -Diana Cassar-Uhl, 2012

If an adoptive mother wishes to breastfeed but is feeling uncomfortable or discouraged, I encourage her to seek support: from family and friends, other breastfeeding mothers, breastfeeding professionals, and probably most importantly from other breastfeeding adoptive mothers. My website contains various links to resources for support.  Although it may seem like this at first, you really don’t need to travel this journey alone.

 

One last thing that I would like to share: breastfeeding my adopted baby has been the most rewarding experience in my life…even more rewarding than getting a book published! I hope that I can help other adoptive mothers and their babies to have the same opportunity. Please feel free to contact me through www.BreastfeedingWithoutBirthing.com or the Breastfeeding Without Birthing facebook page.

Adoptive Mama Thoughts

Today while I was getting my daily dose of encouragement (via reading a fab book, checking out recommended Bible verses, and praying) the thought crossed my mind that it's quite likely that somewhere there is a woman who is pregnant with our baby.

Adoption is always on my mind.   This weekend we watched The Avengers followed by October Baby.     What do the two films have in common?

Well, in The Avengers, one character is discussing his brother with a group of friends.  One character mentions the brother's faults, and the initial character says, "He's adopted."    GRRRR!    Adoptism!

October Baby is a film about an adoptee who discovers, as a young college student, that she was adopted.  She tries to find her birth mother.   I don't want to say much else and spoil the film for you, but unlike most Christian films, this one really wasn't corny or cheesy or obviously low-budget.   I found it to be fairly accurate and moving. 

Last week I also stopped pumping (see last post), I've been e-mailing the social worker about our homestudy, and I've been cleaning out and organizing our adoption paperwork from past adoptions.

Whew.

Honestly, this week I've been off my game.    I feel agitated, impatient, and a bit, well, just off.     Tired.   Anxious.   

When I start to put the focus on myself (my feelings about adoption, for example), something inevitably happens that reminds me to stop.  Breathe.  Think.

There's another person out there, someone who is facing an extraordinarily difficult choice:  parent or place.      

That someone is the birth mother of our future child.

She may be pregnant right now, or not yet, or she may have already had a baby she's going to place.

So many unknowns.

But what I know is this:

I'm incredibly fortunate that we can afford to adopt.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have the children I do.

I'm incredibly fortunate that I have the privilege of praying for a mother and a baby I have yet to meet.

And I'm incredibly selfish to put the focus on myself. 

----

What are you thinking about today?  Any humbling adoption thoughts?  Emotions?  Where are you at today, friend?

Adoptive Breastfeeding

UPDATE:    Well, my internet has been funky all day, so I'm just now posting this.   I pumped for two and half days.   Then I learned the extent of the FBI and DCFS contract conflict in our lovely state of Illinois, which means it might be longer than expected for us to be able to adopt.     So the pumping is on hold.

Here's what I want to say:

1:  Please read the original post below.     I stand by everything I said!

2:  My consultant made a great point:  Breastfeeding is about a relationship, not about milk.    I stand by this as I put the pumping/breastfeeding on hold for now.

3:  I am not willing to pump for months on end with no due date, no end to this state nonsense, and with no match.     It's time-consuming, and to be perfectly honest, I am SO tired from staying up until 11 p.m. to pump and then getting up at 3 a.m. to pump.

4:  It wasn't painful to pump at all, and my consultant says pumping or breastfeeding shouldn't be painful.  If it is, you need to get help on fixing the issue.  

5:  I encourage you, if you are tinkering with the idea, to give it a whirl.    If it weren't for all this legal drama, I would probably continue.

I continue to welcome your comments and thoughts!  You all have been a tremendous blessing and source of encouragement!

-----


Arguably, adoptive breastfeeding is one of the most taboo topics in the adoption realm.     I think this is the case for a few reasons:

1:  Some just think it's outright strange.  Breastfeed a child who isn't biologically yours?   

2:  Some think you haven't earned it.  If you can't conceive, or go through 9 months of pregnancy, or give birth, then why do you think you deserve to breastfeed?  Earn your right to breastfeed, sister.

3:  Some think breastfeeding in general is gross/unnatural/strange/inappropriate/inconvenient, so adoptive breastfeeding.....

4:  Some don't know it's even possible, so when they hear of it, the initial reaction isn't positive.

5:  Some people are uncomfortable with anything that isn't within their own experience.

6:  Some people believe that birth parents would be deeply hurt knowing that their child is being breastfed by the adoptive mother.    Some also believe birth parents should be involved in the decision of the adoptive baby being breastfed or not.  

7:  Insert your own thoughts here.

I have contemplated breastfeeding for over four years now.  I didn't vocalize it much, because I wanted to avoid judgement (which is funny since we adopted transracially, and I don't care if someone has a problem with it).  

There is only one fairly-current book dedicated to adoptive breastfeeding:   Breastfeeding an Adopted Baby and Relactation.     Many breastfeeding books touch on the topic, but generally, very lightly.    There's also the Newman-Goldfarb method where the mother is encouraged to take certain medications and follow a particular set of techniques to induce lactation.    This book on attachment and this book on breastfeeding are also helpful.    (Note: Martha Sears, wife of Dr. William Sears, is an adoptive mother and breastfed her adopted daughter.)  Finally, my own breastfeeding consultant, Dee Kassing, published a fantastic article on a bottle-feeding method that supports breastfeeding.   (My sources say that many adoptive mothers do not make enough milk to exclusively breastfeed, so these moms have to supplement with alternative ways of feeding, be it bottles or an SNS).     

Here's what I've learned, in a nutshell:

1:  Inducing lactation, even if you've never been pregnant, is probably quite possible, but it can be extra challenging.

2:  Breastfeeding, even if NO milk is produced, is still beneficial for the mother and the baby.

3:  If you're adopting, you are already in the realm of "abnormal," so don't worry about what other people think and do what you want with your baby.  :)    (Get some inspriration here.)

4:  There ARE people who will support you.  The first person who needs to support you, if you go the breastfeeding route, is your partner.  The second person is your consultant (be it your doctor, a LeLeche leader, another lactation consultant, etc.).   Finally, you need others (friends and family---some, not all) to support your choice.  

(Note:  The best advice I got from a fellow adoptive mom when we were waiting to adopt transracially and needed to tell our nearest-and-dearest that we were open to a child of any race was this:  Tell with confidence; don't ask permission.     I think the same can be applied to adoptive breastfeeding.   You want support, so you may say, "We are choosing adoptive breastfeeding, and I hope I have your support."   Offer resources if prompted or if you think it would be helpful).  

Here are my personal fears:

1:  My diabetes.  Always.  My diabetes.  (Did I mention my diabetes?)

2:  Having two small children in the house already.   Is it possible to effectively breastfeed and care for two other children?  I also worry how fair it is to give a new baby so much mommy-time (more than I would having bottle fed) when I already have two children who need my attention.  And my husband generally did many of the middle-of-the-night feedings with our first two; will he be missing out on his bonding time if I snatch so much of the baby's time? 

3:  Sleep.  I don't just love to sleep.  I NEED to sleep.  People who sleep well weigh less, are overall healthier, and are more productive.  Oh yes, and they are in better moods.  :)

4:   Convenience.  I know, I know.  The age-old argument is that you don't need a bottle; just whip out the breast and feed the kid.   But it's likely I'll need to do both (breast and bottle feed), so it's almost extra inconvenient.  And I love convenience.  I hate time gaps, driving long distances, waiting.  basically, I'm impatient and demanding.   Though I've grown a bit better with time, I'm still me.

What I know is:

1:  I really want to do this.   I have wanted to for four years.  I don't know how many kids we'll adopt, but I don't want this chance to pass me by.

2:  Breastfeeding will force me to bond with my new baby quicker than if I (or any nearby person who wants to help a desperate mom of three) pop a bottle in the baby's mouth (perhaps propped up by laundry-waiting-to-be-folded). 

3:  It's healthier for the baby than formula.  (I know, I know.  Formula has come SUCH a long way; it's healthy; babies across the world are fed formula every day and are fine.)     My oldest daughter received milk from my sister-in-law for the first month of my daughter's life.   I strongly believe this great start has helped my oldest daughter continue to grow up healthy.    Maybe the breastmilk helped her with the potential family allergy issues?  I'd like to believe it did! 

4:  Babies grow up SO fast.   There's only a small window of opportunity when adoptive breastfeeding is possible for any given child.  (THIS IS THE THING I KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF.....)

5:  I don't carry much at all about what other people think.   I'm confident in my choices.  If someone has a problem with my decisions, he or she is spending too much time focusing on me and not on himself or herself.     (I did consider NOT blogging about this.  Is it TMI?   Will anyone care?  Will I lose readers if I start throwing around the b words like breastfeeding and breasts and bras?)

6:  There are always options.   I'm not up for taking any drugs to induce lactation.   Some mothers swear by it, but I'm incredibly picky about what I put into my body (thank you, diabetes!).   My consultant has shared with me that by pumping, along with some other natural procedures (hand expression, herbs, along with my own belief in positive thinking and visualization), it's possible to produce milk.  (BIG SIGH OF RELIEF).      And again, even if I don't produce anything, it's ok! 

I'd love to hear from you.  What do you think about adoptive breastfeeding?  Have you done it?  Considered it?  Researched it?   Why was it (or why wasn't it) for you?   

For more inspiration, check out these articles found on Adoptive Families website:

How I Was (Sort of) Able to Breastfeed

What You Need to Know to Breastfeed Your Baby

Nursing School

Nursing Matthew