Dear Sugar: Adoption Represented on Doc McStuffins

Dear Sugar:

As Black History Month draws to a close, I'd like to tell you how much our family loves the show Doc McStuffins.  First, the show portrays a Black family in a positive light.   Doc's mom is a doctor.   The dad is highly involved with the kids.   Second, of course, the main character is a Black girl:  she's imaginative, she's smart, she's kind, and she's adorable.   Third, the show focuses on kindness, science, and social skills.   

I'm excited to share with you that the McStuffins family will be adopting a baby.  

Yes, you read that correctly!   

(Yet another reason to love the show...if the present adoption well.  Those of us in the adoption community are not easy to please!)

Set your DVR for Disney Jr., 8 a.m. EST, on the following dates:

Friday, March 4
Friday, March 11
Friday, March 18
Friday, March 25
Friday, April 1

This isn't the first time the show has discussed adoption.  

Three PBS TV Show Episodes With Adoption Themes for Preschoolers & Early Grade Schoolers

My kids love learning about adoption or seeing families who look like ours.   If you are parenting a preschooler or early grade schooler who was adopted, I recommend these PBS show episodes (click on the graphic for a link to purchase or watch the episodes:

In Big Brother Binky, Binky's family adopts a baby girl from China.  Binky goes through many emotions including excitement and frustration, including jealousy (with the adoption process and bonding with his new sister).   This is a wonderful episode to show to children who have or are waiting for an adopted sibling.  Told from the point of view of the sibling.

Buddy decides he wants to learn more about what it means to be a theropod.  His family, including his parents are siblings, are pteranodons, and they are incredibly supportive of Buddy, accompanying him to a theropod convention.   This episode beautifully demonstrates what transracial adoptive parents should do to support their children.   Told from the point of view of the adoptee.  

Becky (aka Word Girl, a superhero) recounts her adoption story to her dad and brother.  (Jump to minute 5:45 if you wish to see just the adoption segment of this episode.)   Told from the point of view of the adoptee.  

Which episodes would you add to the list?  

5 Fabulous Children's Films & Shows Featuring a Black Female Protagonist

1:  Roger and Hammerstein's Cinderella

2:  Doc McStuffins

3:  Annie

4:  Home

5:  Happily Ever After:  Fairytales for Every Child

5-1, 5-O, Somebody Call the...

My girls LOVE the police.  They own a power-wheels-ish police car (complete with sirens).  They own dress-up police hats, badges, handcuffs, walkie-talkies.  They are totally obsessed with Dierks Bentley's song "5-1 5-0" ("somebody call the po-po")---because it references the police.  A year or so ago, we called our local police station and asked if we could come meet with a female police officer so the girls could ask her questions, to which the station sent an officer to our home where she spent an hour playing with the girls and talking to them about safety.    They were, of course, enamoured.  And then there were the other police visits to our home---when, once again, the 911 app on my cell was accidentally pushed, and the police are required to respond even when I assure the dispatcher that there is no emergency.  The girls wait by the front door, thrilled to see the person in the blue uniform approaching.   (Sigh.)

Two weeks ago, I attended a community meeting with one of my three littles in tow.  There was a police officer present whom my daughter kept sneaking glances at over my shoulder.  After the meeting, I asked my daughter if she would like to say hello to the officer, to which she said yes.  We spent a few minutes talking with him.  He knelt down to my daughter's level and asked her how old she was and talked about his own three-year-old.  My daughter was thrilled to be so close to an officer and to engage with him.

Later that night, I was thinking about how much my daughters enjoy the police.  To them, police catch "bad guys" and keep people safe.  They respond when there are emergencies.  And in our community, the police are usually seen at fun kid-booths at local festivals, handing out stickers and giving the little ones high-fives.   They encourage the kids and their parents to visit the station at any time to take a tour and greet officers. 

But my kids are Black.

And the media teaches all of us, police or not, that Black people are to be suspect by nature, to be feared, to be questioned, to be untrustworthy until proven otherwise.  And the more "gangsta" or "thug" the person looks, the more they should be suspect, especially if they are males, especially if they have darker skin, and especially if they are with one or more other Black males.

The police readily greet my children right now.  Part of it is that they are young children.  They are well-dressed, with their hair done and their sparkly shoes on.  They are smiling.  Part of it is that we, their parents, are White.  We are the privileged race who, contrary to brown-skinned people, are given the benefit of the doubt:  we are trustworthy, we are safe, we are boring and hardly noticeable, we are non-confrontational.

But what about ten years from now?  Fifteen years from now?  What about when my kids are driving or riding in a car with friends?  What about when they are at the mall?  What about when they stop at a gas station to load up on junk food that mama won't give them at home?  What about when they are simply walking down a sidewalk through a neighborhood where they look like they may not belong?  What about when they are trying to purchase a belt at a department store? What about when they are headed into a college classroom or into a job interview?  What about when they are simply sitting in a car in a parking lot listening to music? 

As I type this post, I recall the morning I spent lifting weights in front of the television, my three beautiful children occupying themselves with toys, while I watched Katie Couric conduct several interviews about the Jordan Davis case.  Tears streamed down my face.  I could hardly breathe at times.   The boy in the pictures could be my child one day: guilty of being black in America...and shot for it.

A few weeks ago, I dressed my one-year-old son for the day. I pulled an adorable red-striped thermal top over his head, gently guided his arms into the sleeves while he grinned at me.   I then sat him on the floor and went to wash my hands after changing his diaper, and I came back to see that my girls had taken the shirt's hood and pulled it up and over my son's head.  They giggled as he nodded his head back and forth while smiling, enjoying the sensation of the hood on his soft hair.

There he was.  A bright-eyed little boy, sitting on the floor of his bedroom with morning sunshine streaming through the windows and placing happy patterns on the floor.

And it hit me that he was a black boy wearing a hood.

And my mind flashed-forward to what that could mean when he's fifteen.  Or twenty.  Or twenty-five.  And what if he didn't live that long because someone found him suspect simply because of a hood and his skin color?  

I'm angry.

I'm disturbed.

And I don't know how in the world I'll be able to protect my children from real, raw, terrible dangers that lurk everywhere.  I don't know how to keep them safe when they are considered suspect for being brown.

Will the police who are so kind to my children now, be the same officers who pull my kids over in a few years?  Who question them at the mall?  Who arrest them out of fear and personal bias? 

Will the people who compliment my oldest's hairstyle, who smile at my three-year-old skipping through a store without a worry in the world, who can't help but gently touch the cheek of my bubbly, one-year-old...will these same people be so admiring, so kind, and so approving and encouraging when my children are ten, fifteen, twenty?   Think of the jurors who didn't convict Jordan Davis' murderer with first degree murder, because, gulp, some of those jurors somehow identified with the killer's reasoning and justified his actions----because, let's face it, no one is colorblind and race is always a factor in any situation.

I don't want anyone to be colorblind (Nor do I want people to continue to tell me they are---because they are liars).  We celebrate race.  We appreciate race.  We recognize race. 

I do want fairness. Justice.  Chances.

I want my children to have what I had growing up and what I have now:  equal opportunity.

I want their lives to be valued.

I want them to shine.  

I want them to flourish.

I want them be who they are, even if it makes other people uneasy.

I want them to be proud Black people who know their history, who feel confident in their skin, and who don't feel they have to code-switch, clothing-switch, music-switch just to appease others.

I want them to be free.

Adults who are parenting children of color carry heavy hearts, because we know that each time another child's face flashes on the news, another victim of injustice, that we aren't immune.  We aren't special.  That we can talk to our kids, that we can empower them, that we can take precautions...

but our kids aren't free.  

And we fear they never will be. 

So we hold our breath, we pray, and we beg God to keep our children safe, because we know the world cannot be trusted.





 

Beauty is the Eye of...? Beauty is Only Skin Deep?

Beyonce's Grammy performance + yoga class + feminism + objectification + beauty= ?

I loved this post over at EBONY on these subjects for many reasons.  So, let's talk about beauty.

My oldest daughter was thick baby.  Born just under six pounds, she quickly filled out to meet the 90th (+) % for weight for her age.

She was stunning.  Large brown eyes with eye lashes like a mascara model.  A perfect, silky, curly afro.

When I'd venture out with her, we got plenty of attention.  But the type of attention we got was often dependent on the race of the attention-giver.

White women would often approach us and say things like:  "What a chubby baby!"  Or, "She's well-fed!"  Or, "Now that's a fat baby!"  These were often NOT compliments.  I would be met with frowns, up-and-down glances, tisk-tisk sounds.

Black women would approach us with exclamations of how "juicy" my daughter was.  They would smile and nod in approval and GUSH over my little girl.    

My darling little girl, just a few months old, was already being taught what beauty is and isn't in the eyes of whomever was looking at her.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? 

A BABY.

My daughter, at around age two, lost all of her "baby fat," though she's certainly still a curvy girl.

And shopping for a girl with, as my daughter like to say, "junk in the trunk," is not easy.  Everything in the little girl section of the store is tight, low-cut and essentially created with teenagers who are stick-thin in mind.  (Don't get me started on glitter, "I hate school" and "I love boys" themed slogans, and everything spoiled-little-princess.)   The clothes are so...adult.

Toys, greeting cards, books, movies, t.v. shows, advertisements---they are 99% all the same:  Euro-centric and the White standard of beauty.  And when the one "ethnic" doll appears on the shelves alongside the blond-haired, blue-eyed dolls, the "ethnic" doll is supposed represent all other races besides White.  The doll has green eyes, flowing and silky and straight and long dark-ish brown or black hair, and if the skin is tinted brown, it's always light brown.

The parent who wants to find things for their children that look like their children, accurately, has a job ahead of him or her.    (I've blogged about some of my favorite toys, toy companies, etc. many times.)

Our children are being taught, every day, through the media, through the items on shelves and on racks, and through the commentary of others, what beauty is and isn't.

Parents:  it's our job to diligently combat the White beauty standard that dominates our world and permeates into places we wouldn't normally suspect. 

How?

I think, one, we have to surround our children with the standard of beauty we want them to be familiar with and appreciate.  There are many ways to do this, but within your own home:

• buy dolls, action figures, and other toys that accurately look like your children
• buy books and DVDs and art that feature kids who look like your children
• obviously, have a diverse group of friends:  "Your child should not be your first black friend."
• personally subscribe to magazines that keep you abreast the latest issues that pertain to your child's race:  not only to educate yourself, but to have those magazines in your home so your children can see magazines that have advertisements and models who look like them (and advertise products that are specifically made for people of a certain race)
• buy clothing for your kids that they are confident in and that fit their body type.  And please, make them age-appropriate! 
• support businesses, clothing lines, publishers, production companies, etc. that create products that accurately depict children who look like yours
• be cautious of how you speak of your own beauty, and always, always cheer on your children for not only how beautiful they are, but how talented they are, how smart they are. 
• stand up for your kids in all areas of life, not just when their looks are critiqued---because by doing so, you teach your children to stand up for themselves (and how to do so effectively)
• monitor what your child is reading, watching, and hearing.  What are they learning through books, songs, shows, movies, online interactions?  Is it appropriate for their age and maturity level?  Is it helpful or detrimental?  What messages are being conveyed? 
• have honest, open conversations with your children about everything, including things they see, hear, and read.  Teach them to be critical thinkers, consumers, and world-changers.

Read much more on this subject in my book Come Rain or Come Shine:  A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children. 

I'll be spotlighting some products and companies I love this February as we celebrate Black History Month.   I'll be giving away hair products, books, and apparel which all uplift kids of color.     

Marginalized vs. Validated

The other night, my husband and I watched a recent episode of Oprah's Lifeclass.   The focus?  Colorism.

This subject hits very close to our home for our family, because we are subjected to colorism often, as a whole family, and individually.   Our children are a range of skin-tones.  My oldest has medium-brown skin.  My middle daughter is very dark, which prompts many strangers to inquire, "What country is she from?"  (Um, the US...)   My son, our youngest, is light-brown.  (When Steve and I have been out with him without the girls, no one notices he's adopted because his skin is so light.)   I think the range of shades is one reason we are asked, "Are they real siblings?" when we are out at the park, a store, or restaurant with all three kids.

The show was intriguing and moving, but above all, it was educational.   I came away from the episode agreeing with a statement the hosts had made:  everyone wants to be validated.

If you are part of the adoption triad, you are probably familiar with feeling marginalized.   Comments (often assumptions), questions (based on more assumptions), stares, and choices:  made about you, for you, with or without you.  

Oftentimes, triad members are glamorized (this mostly falls on adoptive parents, the so-called "heroes" and "winners" in adoption) or stereotyped (which often falls on the adoptees and biological parents).

Dismissed.  Ignored.  Pushed aside.  Shushed.  These are all too common, especially for those who have been adopted and those who have placed children for adoption.  

Hearing the truth of their experiences from those triad members is often difficult, messy, and downright uncomfortable.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't hear it.  

Steve and I had many conversations about race (ask him---4 straight months, every single night, for HOURS) prior to choosing to be open to a child of any race.  We met with transracial families.  We talked to people who had been adopted and who had placed children for adoption.  We read books and blogs.   We went over our own childhoods (in a small, diverse but segregated town), our interactions with people of other races, our resources (should we choose transracial adoption as an option), our places of employment, where we lived, where we might move to, our circle of friends---everything we could think of.

We wanted to be prepared.

Those talks were really, really awkward at times.  Because we had to be truthful.  We had to face fears.  We had to think, "What would this mean for a child of color?"  (Basically, are we qualified to be parents of a minority child? Are we worthy?)

Five years. Three times we were chosen to adopt Black children. 

And like any parent, but especially like an adoptive parent in a transracial family, we felt and continue to feel a restlessness that mixes with peace and joy.   We know we can't stop learning and growing.   We are immensely honored to be our children's parents.  And we are plenty scared, too.

We need to hear the voices of transracial adoptees who have "been there, done that" (or are still there, still doing that).  Those who our children will grow up to be one day.

I appreciate the commenters on a prior blog entry, those who said they really want to hear from a transracial adoptee on the issue of transracial adoption.   And I couldn't agree more. 

Though I have chosen to have no room in my mind and spirit for those who want to bash and trash my family and my parenting (those who have never even met me or my family), I am recommitting to being "all ears" to adoptees. 

I need it.   Many of my readers, composed primarily of those who have adopted transracial or are waiting to adopt transracially, need it.  And not just us, but the public---they need to hear it too.

I certainly do not feel that my experience is any more valid or important than that of another person's.  Nor do I believe that those who are walking in the shoes my children will eventually be in should be marginalized.   Nor do I wish to be part of the crowd who is doing the marginalizing.

I really want to get this transracial parenting thing right.  

I look at my children---so innocent, so needy, so smart, so beautiful, so creative, so free.   And I know what's coming.  I know they won't always be so innocent.  I know they will become more independent as time passes (less me, more of them).  They will become smarter in many ways, one way being the way they understand that the world doesn't think they are as fabulous as we do...and some of those reasons might be because they are brown-skinned and because they are adopted.   They will learn that the general standard of beauty is the White standard of beauty.  They will possibly, at some point, have their creativity squandered by someone who passes them over for a job because they are a person of color.     

The saddest part is that they won't always be free.   There will be roadblocks, mountains, and traps: and those things have been in place for hundreds of years.  

And (gulp), they are going to have to navigate those.  And you know how many of us have learned to get through hard times?  Based on what our parents raised us to do (or not do).

I have a big, big job.

I don't like to use the term "special" to describe adoption or adoptive parenting.  But in all honesty I have felt, for the past five-ish years we've taken on the role as transracial adoptive parents, that we are always taking (and should take) extra steps, calculated steps, thought-out steps as we progress through our parenting journey, because we can't just "go with our hearts" and hope everything will be ok.  We can't latch on to a new parenting trend because it's the cool thing to do.   That's not how the world works, especially not for families like mine, for children like mine.

I can't do this alone.  I shouldn't do it alone.  I won't do it alone.

I'm very proud of my book and the articles I write.  I've poured years into researching all-things-adoption.   Parenting has been a great teacher.   But I'm realizing more and more (since my kids are getting older), that I need to continue to reach out (with more determination than ever) and open up to transracial adoptees and hear their stories.    Learn what I should be doing, not doing, what to do better, what to do less, what to do more. 

So to the commenters, thanks for the reminder.  

We all want to feel validated.  And in order to feel validated, we have to be listened to.

I'm listening.

Melissa Harris-Perry, Forgiveness, and Living Big

So, I've been asked, quite a bit, about what I think about the Melissa Harris-Perry controversy, and I've been consistent in my response:   the segment turned offensive, quickly, MHP and some of her panelists owned up to it, Melissa apologized multiple times (including on-air) in a heartfelt and no-nonsense manner, and we should all just get over it and move on.

Why?

Because the MHP show has done a lot for the Black community, including my family.   They focus on issues people of color face that many news outlets either ignore or extort.   And though I'm not a big news-watcher (I have three kids under age five, and most of which is one news is too violent, graphic, aggressive for my children), I was hot over the Fox News segment when several reporters laughed about and insisted that Santa (and Jesus...) were White and to diversify Santa is just ridiculous.   Um, ok. 

What MHP has done for the Black community far outweighs a one-time screw up.

Back in August, I had the honor of being on the MHP show on a segment on transracial adoption and the importance of being educated and racially literate.  It went exceedingly well.

When THE NATION requested a statement from me regarding the MHP controversy, I readily complied, happy to state my views on the subject.

I've been criticized for being on MHP (oh-my-gosh-Rachel-didn't-you-know-she's-pro-abortion!).   Or, MSNBC is for liberals (aka, people who don't give a lick about God).  And here's what I have to say:   if you only interact and engage with people who are exactly like you, you are living a very small and very un-Jesus life.  

And to not forgive a person who apologizes genuinely and without excuse, well, that's not very Jesus-y either. 

I want to live a big life.  A life where I meet people who don't think like me.  A life where I can teach and be taught.   A life where I embrace new experiences while being grateful for the past.   A life where I don't hold on to hurts.  A life where I am setting aside every single thing that doesn't keep me on the path to the life God has for me.  A life where I am not distracted by the voices of those who seek to harm me or my family.  A life where accepting "I'm sorry" brings both parties relief and joy...and the only place to go from there is forward.

I admire MHP now more than before.   No, I don't think exactly like her or agree with everything she says.  But I am thankful to have sat next to a woman who has a heart for transracial adoptive families, who knows when to apologizes, and who knows how to be strong and use her intellect, her grace, her presence, and her power to empower others.   

Forgiven.

---

For more on strong people, read this article:  Mentally Strong People:  The 13 Things They Avoid

Goodness for Ya

Happy Monday, readers!

First, I'd like to share my new job with you!   I'm pairing with adoption.net to write a column called Asked the Adoption Coach.   Starting tomorrow, you can post your burning questions to their Facebook page.   I hope to hear from you all soon!  

Second, I had the honor of sharing the last chapter of my book on My Brown Baby!    MBB is a fabulous resource for those parenting Black children.  Denene is an adoptee herself.  :)   

Third, check out these fabulous blogs, both of which I've had the privilege of writing for.  There's Slow Mama and Traded Dreams.    And if you're looking into adoptive breastfeeding, swing by The Badass Breastfeeder for some encouragement from other milky-mamas. 

Fourth, did you hear that The Little Couple will soon bring Zoe home?  This is the second transracial adoption for the couple. 

Doc McStuffins Necklace Giveaway!

Meet my new friend Hanna, owner of the up-and-coming Kendall Kollection!


Hanna shares:
"I have been married to my wonderful, hardworking husband for 4 years and we have an 18-month-old daughter named Kendall, as well as Jett our Jack Russell. I have my nursing license but put that on hold to stay home with my beautiful daughter. I started the Kendall Kollection about 4 months ago. All of my necklaces and key chains are handmade. I come up with new designs every week and I do custom designs as well. My necklaces are fun and colorful, something you aren’t likely to find in a store. I have a Signature Line, which can fit a small child to an adult, and I also have the Audrey Line, which is specifically made for adults."

Hanna has graciously made a Doc McStuffins necklace (16" with 3" extender) for one lucky White Sugar, Brown Sugar reader! Here are the details:

Giveaway begins Monday, Aug. 19 and ends Friday, Aug. 23 at noon (central standard time).

The winner must reside in the United States.

You may enter up to five times. Leave a comment for EACH of the following that you do:

1: "Like" Kendall Kollection on Facebook.

2: Visit Kendall Kollection on Etsy, and leave a comment stating which piece is your fave!

3: "Like" White Sugar, Brown Sugar on Facebook.

4: "Like" Come Rain or Come Shine on Facebook.

5: Become a Twitter follower: @whitebrownsugar

Winner will be drawn at random and posted here on Friday.

Winner should e-mail me (whitebrownsugar AT hotmail DOT com) with her full name and address.

If the winner doesn't contact me within 72 hours of posting, a new winner will be selected, so be sure to check back on Friday!

Sunday!

Friends, please tune in to MSNBC's Melissa Harris-Perry on Sunday, 8/11, to watch me share on a topic I'm passionate about:   Transracial adoption! The show airs 9/10 am.    I'd love your support!

Racism, Oversights, and Lack of Realism: What Century Am I Living In?

 White parents of non-white kids know the truth.

Racism still exists...and we're not talking about watching films about Ruby Brides or reading a book about slavery.

I'm talking about current literature and films.

For example, the other day I took the kids to the library and grabbed a few, well, ok, a ton, of children's books.    I was so excited to pick up Ponyella, a book I'd seen in a Scholastic booklet.  

My girls and I sat on the floor and spent some quiet time flipping through the books we'd checked out.   I excitedly pulled out Ponyella to find pages such as these.  Ponyella being the dirty, white horse ("dirty" because of the work her stepsisters make her do); the stepsisters are the dark horses:  black and brown.  

Dismay.

Anger.

Frustration.

According to the book's description, which I read later (bold/larger font is mine):

In this clever retelling of Cinderella, Ponyella longs to show Princess Penelope her fabulous leaps and jumps at the Tippington 25th Annual Grand Royal Pony Championship. But Plumpkin and Bun Bun, the mean ponies she shares a farm with, say that Ponyella's farm chores make her too dirty to be a champion.

With a little help from Ponyella's fairy godmare, her coat becomes marshmallow white once again, and her mane silky and beautiful. It's love at first sight for Princess Penelope and Ponyella — but what will happen when the magic runs out at noon?

 

Ahem?   Excuse me?  Are you kidding me??

 

Sadly, this is all too common.

 

Look at the BIG stink The Princess and The Frog made.   A Black princess, Disney promises!  Horray!!!  Yay!!!   Then she spends most of the movie as frog or as the cool Black friend of Charlotte (who is naturally rich and beautiful).      (Not to mention, the movie is quite scary and demonic, that I don't let my kids watch it!) 

 

Oh, and what about Sophia the First?   She's all the range on Disney Jr.   And she was supposed to be Latina.    But when the show aired, Sophia was had milky-white skin and reddish hair.   Oops, says Disney.  

 

Dolls are another example.   Even when companies attempt to represent brown-girls or create a doll for brown-girls, there are more fails than successes.   So-called Black dolls often have long, silky, straight hair, blue or green eyes....and these dolls appear to be racially ambiguous.   There will be five white dolls in a collection and one brown-skinned doll who is supposed to be all-other ethnicities.    Or something like that.  

 

My point is, it sucks. It sucks for not just my children or your children, but the White kids, too.   Where is the representations of the real world?  A world where not all darker-skinned beings are the "bad" guys or girls?  A world where toys truly represent what people of that race look like?   Their hair texture and eye color are accurate?    Where are the beautiful princesses who are mocha-skinned?  Why is there not an afro poking out of Rapunzel's tower?

 

And before you think I'm crazy/oversensitive/overdramatic...watch this video.   

 

Racism is learned.  Fear is learned.   Stereotypes are taught...and learned.

 

So parents, be very careful, very discerning, when it comes to what your child reads and watches.    It does matter.  A lot.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's Your Language?

I'm a huge fan of three letters:   DVR.

:) 

As a busy mom of three little ones, watching anything on TV that is rated over G is rare.   Occasionally, I'll go on a DVR frenzy and record many shows I might watch someday....someday.

I happened to DVR one episode of Oprah's Lifeclass, an episode featuring Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the famous Five Love Languages books.    I had an old copy of the book, one I hadn't given much thought to.   One day I had the opportunity to watch the recorded show, and wow, did I get inspired!

First, I took the quiz (as did my husband) to discover our love language.  It's free and available online. 

Second, we wrote down our ranking of the five love languages to see where we matched up, where we didn't, and to remind ourselves of what we had learned.

What we discovered is that our love language ranking is opposite of the other person's.  I guess opposites do attract.   We also discovered, through the tv episode, that people tend to give what they want (meaning, they act out the love language they crave to receive).   

Overall, what this taught me is to recognize my love languages and not feel guilty about which ones don't work for me.   So when people compliment for example (on an outfit, on my writing, etc.), it doesn't mean much to me.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  It's nice to hear some praise, but compliments aren't my "cup of tea."   (However, two weeks ago a little girl, maybe seven years old, came up to me in a restaurant and said, "You are really pretty" and then ran away.  It was SO sweet!)   When my husband would say to me, "Your such a good mom," it was nice to hear, but it didn't melt my heart.

What does work for me are acts of service and receiving gifts.    The quiz helped me realize why I get annoyed when friends don't at least send me a glittery birthday card or why I can't stand people who don't pull themselves up by their bootstraps and do something about their situations.   I'm a do-er, and I need do-ers in my life to uplift me.

I'm trying (trying, trying) to meet my spouse's need:  words of affirmation.    It seems SO simple---to say something nice.  But I'm a person who wants someone's words to mean something.   I hate the over-use of "I love you."    (Probably because words of affirmation isn't my thing).   As Dr. C said on the episode, the thing your spouse needs most is probably the thing hardest for you to do/say!  

Dr. C also talked about couples who say all the "spark" is gone from their marriages.   He says that the initial honeymoon phase takes zero work...and now, after years of marriage, we realize we have to work at it.   Using the love languages truly helps! 

Marriage is work, and I think it's incredibly hard to keep a relationship strong, especially when there are children in the picture who, by nature, take up our time and energy and emotions and money and thoughts.   

I hope you'll get a copy of Dr. C's book, and, if possible, watch the episode.  The concept is so simple and yet, so life-altering.  

Casting Opportunity

Readers,

I was told about this casting opportunity for a possible new show about unique parenting styles.    Click here to learn more.

In The News...

My husband always sends me new adoption articles from the various news websites he reads.  Here are two he has sent that have been interesting reads.  Let me know what you think!

Mom puts baby up for adoption...without telling dad

Young Boys Meet Through Friends and Discover They are Brothers

Finally, several people have brought this guy (and his TV show) to my attention.  I haven't watched it yet, but maybe you have?

Set your DVR for Tonight's Adoption Show

A Home for the Holidays, an annual show on CBS promoting foster care adoption, will be on this evening.  Set your DVR, and you'll be very glad you watched.  

New Blog Design + Info You Can Use

Welcome to my new blog design!  Thanks to Fran at Small Bird Studios for her time and energy.  Did you know she offers a 20% discount to bloggers who focus on adoption, infertility, and child loss?

Here are some interesting links I've come across this week:

1:   Did you know Adoptive Families magazine is having a Halloween photo contest? 

2:   Notice how often a black person is the sidekick but rarely the main character in books, television shows, etc? 

Black Female Lead Characters

It seems like black people are always the cool sidekick to the white hero.  

My little sister and I used to love watching Walker Texas Ranger (yep, good old Chuck Norris).   But we loved watching Walker's sidekick Trivett, a handsome black man, the most.    However, Walker was always the center of the fights (and victories), and Trivett would usually kick a little rear in the background, or get injured only to have Walker save the day and return to Trivett to help.  

As an adult I began to grasp how black people are underrepresented in books, movies, television shows, advertisements, greeting cards, toys, and much more.   Though there has been progress, such as Tyler Perry's popular films and television shows starring many black actors, there's much to be desired.

My daughters need to know that black girls can be "stars," and let's not limit them to Princess Tiana.  It seems white little girls have limitless options of characters who look like them (and dolls, and other toys, and on clothing items, and greeting cards with white faces, and advertisements, and and and....).     

I've been researching book series and movies that feature black girls (who are strong, lead characters).   I discovered Shanna, though many of the books seem to be out of print.   There's also Grace.     There's also a series for grade-school girls called the Sugar Plum Ballerinas.    I love Fancy Nancy books (so cute and fun!), but Nancy's best friend, Bree, a black little girl, is always the sidekick and never the star. 

I find plenty of books featuring AA kids, though they aren't always the main character and rarely does the book move into a series where my girls can see a little black girl progress in various situations.    

I hope a successful children's book author (many, actually) will produce a series of books featuring a young, black, lead female character.  And I hope we will step up and support these authors by purchasing their books.   

The publishing industry is much like any other business---it comes down to supply and demand.   If we, as consumers, clearly convey our desires (with feedback to companies and by "voting" with our dollars), there will be an increased supply.   

If you know of more black female characters, please share!  

 

Couponing and Saving $$$

My mom had been a coupon clipper and user for as long as I can remember. After getting married, I also began clipping and using coupons, but I hardly took it seriously.

As our family grew from two, to three, and now to four, couponing has become a sport for me. My two year old points out the Kohl's that's only one mile from our house and says, "Kohl's. Coupon." Yep. It starts young, folks.


So here are my money saving and couponing tips and tricks. I am by no means an expert, nor will you see me on Extreme Couponing on TLC (a very amusing show, I must say!).

• This is by far the best couponing website I've found. The writer offers step-by-steps on how to coupon, a coupon database, and frequent deal updates. This is a great place to get started!






• Make a list of your family's favorite product brands. Using a Word document, type up a generic message asking that a company provide you with coupons. Be sure to state how much you love their products! Go to the "contact us" section of each company's website and paste your paragraph. (Don't forget to include your name and address). From that same list, sign up for e-mails and online newsletters from the companies. (I got a great response from my coupon requests!)






• Tell your family members and friends that you want to coupon more often, and ask them to save coupon circulars for you.






• Decide how much time you can commit to couponing. My couponing takes about one hour a week which includes clipping coupons, organizing coupons, searching online sale flyers, and planning shopping lists.






• If you find an item your family loves on major sale or clearance, stock up! I recently purchased eight 64oz bottles of organic grape juice because it was in clearance for $2.08 a container. I didn't have any coupons for the organic variety, but at that price, who cares?

Saving money in general:

• Organize, organize, organize. I have tubs in my basement (purchased in clearance after Christmas, of course!) for girls' clothing up to size 5 (the oldest is only in a 2/3 now). If I find items on major sale or get hand-me-downs, I sort them into the appropriate bin and store. I also have a bin for Christmas cards and wrap (which I got in major clearance after Christmas last year), children's gifts (items I got at a specialty toy store sale---75% off!), and more.






• Clean green. I clean with vinegar and baking soda. That's it. I use vinegar for EVERYTHING from the cleaner for my mop, carpet cleaner, bathroom cleaner, mirror cleaner, etc.






• Make your own laundry detergent. Here's my old recipe.






• I use fabric napkins instead of paper, and I use rags instead of paper towels. Yes, paper products aren't very expensive, but over time they cost a family quite a bit! My next goal is to purchase reuseable baggies off Etsy and stop buying plastic baggies.






• Rent movies for free from your local library.






• Teach your kids to shut off lights when they leave the room, not to leave water running while brushing their teeth, etc. My 2.5 year old remembers most of the time to do these things.






• Organize a swapping party with friends.






• Organize birthday parties that do not cost a lot. Or have parties just for fun!






• Plan cheap activities for kids.






• Get rid of things you no longer use or wear, donate them (get a receipt to take a tax deduction!), and enjoy a cleaner home! You can also have a yard sale and pocket the money! Here are some tips on the whole process.






• Rotate your kids' toys instead of buying them new things.






• Plan your meals.

Reader Thoughts Wanted: Pregnant at 16

My husband and I have discussed, in light of watching many episodes of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, what we would do if one of our girls came to us and was pregnant at 16.

For me, I believe I would support my teen in parenting. I honestly can’t say that I would advocate for adoption knowing the heartache it causes a biological mother and the loss it creates in an adoptee. Perhaps that sounds strange coming from an adoptive mother...

Knowing what you know about adoption, how do you think you would react if your son or daughter came to you at age 16 and said he/she was expecting a baby?

Toddler Fun!

Just a few ideas on how to have fun with your toddler...

1: Watch "Wheel of Fortune" together. My daughter loves repeating the letters (with a shout! just like the contestants). The child gets to hear the letter and see it. How fun!

2: Cut out various shapes from construction paper. Toss the shapes onto the floor and have your child find the shape and color you request. As he or she gets older, you can have them be the game host and you find the requested shapes.

3: Join Barnes and Noble's new program: Kids' Club. It's free and comes with fabulous perks like a free cupcake on your child's birthday, coupons, and rewards for purchases.

4: If you haven't already, buy a low and long storage tub and fill it with different colored beans and leftover household items (toilet paper tube, old butter containers, spoons, etc.) and let the child have fun! This is an especially great toy for African American children whose parents DREAD the sandbox due to the child's hair.