Good Reads: Five Must-Read Adoption Articles to Get Ready for National Adoption Month

All of November, I'll be focusing on National Adoption Month.  To get you ready, I wanted to share some of the articles I've written on the subjects (my favorites).  I hope the variety of topics will encourage you, educate you, and empower you.

from adoption.com:  Adoptive Parents:  It's Ok to Say 'No' to Adoption Opportunities'

from Scary Mommy:  We are a Real Family Thank You Very Much

from Babble:  Are You Scared Their Birth Parents Will Try to Take Them Back?

from Huffington Post:  The One Thing You Should Say to an Adoptive Family

from Today Parenting Team:  I'm Not In the Mommy Club

Let's get ready for November, Sugars!

Can't Stop, Won't Stop: Powerful Posts

I always tell myself I'll slow down.  I'll stop writing so much.

But I cannot.

Ideas, questions, experiences:  they are restless.  They are bursting.  They are simmering.

These past few weeks, I've shared my heart in several articles.  Here are just some of them:

I'm Not In the Mommy Club on the Today show's site

I Suffer From a Chronic Disease, and I Want People to Stop Telling Me to 'Get Well' over on Huff Post Healthy Living

Arc of an Open Adoption over at Lavender Lutz

Make Like a Disney Character: Don't Let Go First over on Huffington Post Parents

5 Things You'll Have to Give Up When Adopting over at Scary Mommy

Happy reading, Sugars, and cheers to a great week!   

Opportunity Needed: On Target, the New Annie Movie, and Representing Black Girls

Several years ago, I babysat a child who was behaving rather badly.  I tried all my tricks ranging from threats to hugs to bribery, but nothing worked.  The child simply refused to get it together.

The child, in a fit of rage, turned to me and said, "I need an opportunity!"

The exclamation has stuck with me for years, as I'm parenting, as I worked with my students at the university, as I dealt with difficult customers in some of my other jobs, and most recently when I took my daughters to see the new ANNIE movie.

One of Annie's songs is called "Opportunity."  And it's resonating with me today as I share this article with you, a piece over at My Brown Baby, which focuses on Target's Annie clothing advertisements in their stores which feature not a single brown girl.

For a hundred reasons, this bothers me.

The greatest is this:  my girls deserve to be represented rather than dismissed, ignored, and pushed aside.

This is one reason I wrote BLACK GIRLS CAN: AN EMPOWERING STORY OF YESTERDAYS AND TODAYS.  Because Black girls and women CAN and DO great things and should be recognized for it.

And we sure don't need any more messages of BLACK GIRLS CANNOT, whether that comes from an advertisement, a tv show, a book, or anything else.  

It's Adoption Month: And Here's What I Want You To Know About My Family

I’m not an adopter. I’m a parent.

My kids are my kids. Not my adopted kids.

My kids are real siblings.

Our adoptions were ethical.

We love our children’s birth families. We visit them. We honor them…

And we respect their decisions. And no one else can tell them or us that what they chose to do was wrong or right. No one else knows the circumstances of the situations. Nor should they.

We celebrate adoption in our household. The adoptions of our children, the family tree becoming an orchard. We recognize the joy and the pain, the ups and downs. We cry and mourn and laugh and dance.

We are honest and empathetic with our children.

We are not saviors, villains, heroes.

We are a real family.

We are always learning and evolving.

We are honored to be our children’s parents.

Adoption is bittersweet and complex.

Our children…well, our cups runneth over.

They are an intricate, beautiful blend of nature and nurture.

They are loved and wanted.  They always have been.

They are going to grow up and do great things, because they have the love, encouragement, and support of two families who love them each dearly.

Online Privacy and the Adoptive Family

Recently, I've had several new adoptive parents and adoption and education professionals ask me about online privacy when adopting and parenting children who were adopted.  I've written on this topic several times. 

Check out this Virtually Speaking: Respecting Open Adoptions over at Open Adoption Bloggers, this article over at adoption.net called The Case for Keeping the Private Private, and you can also check out chapter two of my first book, Come Rain or Come Shine: A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children, where I have a section on privacy.   My views on respecting your child's (and their first famlies') privacy aren't necessarily popular these days, but I have found that holding firm to my standards has worked well for our family.

Happy weekend, everyone!  And check back next week for a coupon code for some pretty fantastic African American art! 

Good Reading!

Happy (almost) weekend, readers!

Here are a few articles that have caught my attention over the past week. 

First, here's an awesome article from The Huffington Post on race and kids. 

There's a fairly new page called Brown Boy Genius that is a must-"like."

And if you haven't been over to Adoption.net lately, please stop by.  Back-to-school advice, adoption-themed must-read books, and the things adoptive and foster parents hear over and over again.

Summer Reading, from Adoption to Self-Improvement

One thing we aren't short of in this house is books!  Between the library, my obsession with Amazon, and my mama who loves to give adorable picture books to my kiddos, we have quite the collection!

If you are looking for something to read this summer, check out my list of must-read books with adoption themes. 

If your kiddo is enthralled with animals, here are some fabulous books that use animals (and/or nature) to explain and explore adoption. 


First, here's what I've recently read.  As a type A mama who just wants as simple "yes" or "no," and is tired of the bull, criticism, and fluff...I really appreciated these down-to-earth, funny, gettin' real books: 

Know you need to stop obsessing over your cell phone's many magical features (including that FB, Twitter, Pinterest, or Etsy app?) and start LIVING?   This book is a must-read!  

Tired of parenting books telling you the "perfect" solution to raising a smart kid, feeding your child organic food, potty training your toddler, vaccines (and the many horrors), guides to playdates, etc?  This book is hysterical and quite "honest," as the title suggests. 

Need a book about how beautiful and difficult life is?  A book that inspires you to press on while still being humble, forgiving, and honest?  This book is a must-read, written by the author of one of my favorite blogs, someone whom I had the pleasure of connecting with recently.   

And finally, if you are tackling teaching your little one to read this summer, refer back to this post on simple ways to raise a reader (without electronics!). 

Self-Esteem/Self-Worth/Self-Confidence: The Problem Is, These Start with Self

I read a lot of upbeat blog posts, articles, shared/pinned quotes about self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.   I even pin or share a few myself. 

They sound good.  They inspire me for a few seconds.  The smarty-pants ones make me smile or chuckle.

But they don't last.

I taught college composition for nine years.  Not a semester went by without one of my classes writing an advertisement analysis paper.  They would take a list of terms and using their critical eye, dissect a chosen print ad, pointing out all the ways the advertiser attempts to sell a product.  

This is not easy for many students to do at first.  They have a hard time imagining that an advertiser uses everything from color, to eye gaze, to orientation of the image, to props, to text to manipulate and entice the consumer.

But the more ads we examine a class and in small groups, the students begin to see the truth. That the advertiser doesn't have our best interest at heart.  The goal is always to sell something, to sell a lot of it, and keep us coming back for more.

The students also discover the contradictions.

I've always been disgusted by Dove and their "real women" beauty campaigns.  Dove will feature a "real woman" (or usually a line up of real women) who are curvy, yet have not an ounce of cellulite, who advertise "skin firming" cream.

The skin firming cream they don't actually need...but actually do need?  Huh?

The contradictions in society are never ending.  All the stories on the racist rants coming from famous white people (ahem, Paula and Mr. Sterling) and murders of young Black boys, but the Lupita is our most beautiful person and what is Kerri Washington wearing this week? 

I've thought a lot about the struggles my children (and I, as their parent) face.  Almost everywhere we look, my kids aren't represented, an if they are, they are almost always represented inaccurately or stereotypically. 

The odds aren't in their favor, because of their hairstyles (ahem, school dress codes, what what?), because of their range of skin tones, because of their race and sex. There is a never-ending media reel that not only plays on the TV, but resonates in my heart, leaving my mind restless, my soul aching for justice and equality and opportunity.

And I sometimes get really overwhelmed.  How am I going to combat all that tries to bring my children down?  How will they make it?  Am I enough for them? 

Yo, self.  Take in this truth:  I cannot combat it all, they will struggle, and I am not enough for them.

The feel-good messages of empowerment and esteem and confidence and I-can-do-anything attitude are fleeting.  They don't last.  They come and go.  They contradict themselves.

Lately God has gently whispered to me, when I become consumed with worry and distracted by true stories of defeat, injustice, and prejudice, that any time we look to anything but God for our worth, esteem, and confidence, we will come up short.   It will slip through our fingers like sand. 

The Bible is clear:

John 16:33:  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Proverbs 31:30:  "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

My heart is heavy with the loud evils that infest and infect our society and loom over families of color:  racism, colorism, sexism.  I'm bothered by the increasingly popular use of the word thug.  I'm bothered by all the murders of young black boys.  I worry that just because Lupita is People's Most Beautiful, that there are voices much louder than a celeb magazine who seek to squander dark sisters like my middle daughter. 

I seek out the positives and rejoice in them.   I love reading For Harriet on a daily basis.  And MyBrownBaby.  And hearing about Because of Them, We Can.  And viewing the photos on We Are The 15 Percent.  And reading Essence and Ebony.  And filling my home and my kids' minds with books on black history.  And celebrating fantastic and diverse musical artists like Darius Rucker, and LeCrae, and Jamie Grace, and Ella Fitzgerald.    And encouraging my children in their relationships with fellow African Americans.

I love black culture and black history.  I love my children.  And I want them to be proud of who they are, celebrate their blackness, and feel confident, empowered, and valued. 

I'm trying really hard to do the right things in the right time.

Yet I also find myself going back to the place of helplessness, confusion, anger, and frustration.  Why can't the world love our family for who we are?  Accept my children as children, full of potential and creativity and hope?  Why will my son grow up in a world where he's seen, by default, as suspicious, angry, and rebellious? 

Because this world is really jacked.  Messy.  Easily angered.  Slow to forgive.  Slow to progress.

And our family is an anomaly.  We puzzle people.  We make others questions their history, their beliefs, their attitudes, their words.  We are game-changers, trailblazers, subversive, strange.

And if I'm going to wait on "the world" to love us, accept us, encourage us, or empower us...I'll be waiting forever.

So here's what I know for sure:

Our value comes from the fact that despite all our messiness, Jesus died for us. And not just us, but every. single. person. 

We can accept this or reject this.

We can spend our energies fighting God and the truth.  Or we can embrace it and thrive in it.

Just because we love God and He loves us, doesn't mean we will be free of tribulation.  But it does mean we have the most powerful, unshakable foundation that can withstand any storm.

I'm going to build on that.   I'm going to teach my children that they are divine and special and wonderful because they were created by someone who loves them without condition.

The other day, my daughters wanted a "mint chocolate" (York), but there was only one.  So my oldest broke the York in half, though the halves weren't even.  One side was much larger than the other.  She looked at both halves and I could see her hesitating.  Which half would she hand her sister?

I asked her to hand her sister a piece.

With tears in her eyes, she handed Baby E the bigger half.

And the tears fell.

And we talked about it.  That doing the right thing, the unselfish thing, doesn't always feel good.  Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good in the immediate.  But what is right doesn't change based on our feelings in that moment of decision.

It's tough for me, as a mom of three littles, to constantly redirect us back to God and the value we have in Him.  The bigger half is easier and more pleasant to keep; it's more enticing for sure.  At least in that moment.   

But the right thing to do is relish in the thing that appears, by the world's standards, to be less significant.

When we hold on to the wrong things, when we think that first and foremost, we need to "find ourselves" in anything or anyone outside of the One True King, it will fail.  Every single time. 

It all starts with God. It all rests in God. 

All things can be done in God...

who strengthens me.

And my children.

And you.

IT'S NOT FAIR!

You may be inclined to believe this post is about one of my children throwing a fit, shouting the classic, "It's not fair!" 

But the injustice perceived and proclaimed isn't coming from my children.   It's resounding.  And it's coming from waiting adoptive parents.

Why is it not fair?

• You've paid good money.

• You are better than they are.

• You are entitled to a child.

Let me explain.

It's normal to have feelings of resentment, jealousy, anger, frustration, and confusion during one's adoption journey.  The waiting is excruciating at times.  Numbing.  Even debilitating.

I've been there.  I've stalked my agency's waiting-family profile page online.  I cringed every time I saw a couple's face with "placement" stamped across their faces.  (A family we waited alongside with our first adoption got placed not once, but TWICE, while we waited.  REALLY?!?)  I would congratulate pregnant or adopting friends and family members with a fake smile on my face while mentally cursing them and their cute baby gifts.  I threw epic pity parties.  I couldn't figure out why we were passed over AGAIN by ANOTHER expectant mother.  I think our profile was viewed over fifteen times in our first year of waiting for our first child.  

So, here we go.

Everyone around you is pregnant.  Everyone around you is parenting happily with rainbows and butterflies and shooting starts and frolicking unicorns in the background.  You are getting an ungodly amount of baby shower invites.   And all those pregnant women, they are complaining that they are experiencing nausea or have gained weight or are having a boy instead of a girl.  Or worse, your best friend is pregnant with not one, no, but two babies.  Twins.  TWO.   And your seventeen-year-old niece:  she's having an "oops" baby with her jobless boyfriend of two months.

And then there are, as I recently heard from one waiting mom, the crap parents.  The ones who yell at their kids (maybe even curse at them), who don't engage, who just suck at your definition of parenting.  And not only do they suck at parenting now, but they keep. having. babies.  The parents who have seven different babies with seven different partners.  The parents who let their kids walk around Wal-Mart without shoes.  The parents who let their kids suck on cart handles or gulp Mountain Dew. The parents who live in trailers or with Grandma or are living off government assistance.

And then there are the other adoptive families, the ones who get picked before you.  And you look at their online profiles and think, "What's so special about them?"  You analyze their personal descriptions, the photo of their homes, their weight, their clothing, their obsession with pets or outdoor sports.  You snarl.  You stamp your mental feet.   "What do they have that we don't?"

So then, since the ball is rolling, you build an ever-growing tower in which you lock yourself in so you can, of course, throw more pity parties.

• "I've paid good money!"  My hard-earned/donated/fundraised money is just sitting.  For what?  For a service unfulfilled.  For a dream not yet attained.  For the social worker to tell me to "be patient." For family members to tell me that my time will come.  For someone to say that it must be God's will that we don't have a baby yet.  I did everything the agency asked of me.  I was fingerprinted, background checked, medically examined.  I answered questions.  I put covers on my outlets and locked up the cleaning supplies.  Dammit, I ordered up a baby, and I expect a baby!

• "I'm better than those other parents." I don't get it.  I mean, my profile book shows it all.  The nursery is set up and decorated beautifully.  We go to freaking Disney once a year!  DISNEY!  The most magical place on earth!  I have researched vaccines and BPA-free bottles and making my own baby food  And these other parents with their shoe-less toddlers and their willingness to yell at their children in a store for all to hear...And don't even get me started on teen mothers.  Why does a 15-year-old child get to have a baby and I don't?  How is that ok? 

• "I am entitled to a child."  Everyone has the right to be a parent.  And apparently, everyone else around me has a child except me.  I have done anything and everything to be called "mom," yet I still don't have a baby. I deserve to be a parent after everything I've been through.  And no, I don't want an invitation to another baby shower.  I hate those stupid games of "guess how big mom's tummy is." When is it my turn?!?

Here's the deal.   It's ok to have feelings about your situation.  It's normal to experience a myriad of emotions.  Adoption is complicated, it's bittersweet, it's challenging...

and here's news:  the journey doesn't end once you are placed.

You see, you have to find healthy ways NOW to deal with emotions that will resurface time and time and time again throughout the rest of your life.

So, after three adoptions and an ongoing journey in parenting and adoptive parenting, here's where I stand on the issue of "It's not fair!":

1:  Recognize the thoughts and the resulting feelings you are having.  Don't pretend you aren't struggling.  Probably everyone around you knows you are struggling via your comments, the look on your face, your attitude.  If it helps, speak your experience to a trusted friend, spouse, or counselor.  For me, writing is cathartic.  Keep a personal journal or a private blog.  (But please, please, do not take out your anger/jealousy out on your friends and family members who are pregnant or parenting.  It's not only incredibly hurtful and selfish, but it could ruin relationships with people who would have been rejoicing with you when it became your turn to be a parent. This means no passive-aggressive remarks or Facebook posts!  Don't squander others' joy!)

2:  Realize that thoughts aren't always a choice, but what you do about them is.   As Christians, it's important to reconfigure.  Personal responsibility and accountability to Christ are critical, not only when you are waiting for a child, but in all life situations, and particularly in parenting!  Begin your healthier pattern now. 

3:  Give yourself some love and grace.  Wasting numerous hours relishing in fear, jealousy, anger, and judgment cloud your vision, take up too much heart-space, and hinder your ability to make the right choices when opportunities come your way.  Dr. Phil has said many times on his show that you need to replace bad habits with other habits:  healthy habits. You cannot expect to just eliminate bad habits without a healthy replacement.  I cannot stress enough (as a mother of three who waited three times for children through adoption, as a type I diabetic, and as a type A personality) the importance of exercise, de-stressing time, dating your spouse, and eating healthy.  Pick a healthy habit (or two or three!) to go to when being to slip back into a dark place.

4:  Join a support group.   Or start a support group.  I think it's so important to have a "village" of like-minded friends.  This is your safe place to vent, to confess, to rejoice, to encourage, and to educate.  This is not the place to gossip, to exclude, or to get your inner "mean girl" on.  Contributions of honesty, advice, and support will be much appreciated by all! 

5: Step away.  You know the saying, "Garbage in, garbage out"?  Be very selective about who and what you let in to your heart-space.  If you find a particular Facebook group to be overly confrontational and negative, leaving you feeling angry or drained, leave.  If you cannot handle attending ANOTHER baby shower, it's ok to decline the invitation.  (But if you do, don't make a huge freaking deal about it!)  If you find a particular place, like the mall (full of babies and moms and strollers!), triggering for you, go somewhere else.  And please, please stop reading other adoptive parent profiles and comparing yourself to them!  Give yourself the opportunity to thrive by stepping away from those things and people which don't offer neutral ground or don't fill your heart-space with good stuff.  Recognize that you aren't necessarily saying good-bye forever, but you are choosing to intentionally spend your time elsewhere in order to prepare yourself for motherhood and adoptive parenting. 

Tend to your hearts, friends. 

I believe in you.

Good Readin'

If you are finding yourself in a mid-week slump, here are a few articles to get you inspired and educated.

Here are some fab books for kids to celebrate their hair! 

Pros and Cons of Open Adoption

A listing of empowering books and dvds for black kids

Why This White Mom Loves MBB (MBB=My Brown Baby)

How to answer a young adoptee's questions


Happy reading! 

Beauty is the Eye of...? Beauty is Only Skin Deep?

Beyonce's Grammy performance + yoga class + feminism + objectification + beauty= ?

I loved this post over at EBONY on these subjects for many reasons.  So, let's talk about beauty.

My oldest daughter was thick baby.  Born just under six pounds, she quickly filled out to meet the 90th (+) % for weight for her age.

She was stunning.  Large brown eyes with eye lashes like a mascara model.  A perfect, silky, curly afro.

When I'd venture out with her, we got plenty of attention.  But the type of attention we got was often dependent on the race of the attention-giver.

White women would often approach us and say things like:  "What a chubby baby!"  Or, "She's well-fed!"  Or, "Now that's a fat baby!"  These were often NOT compliments.  I would be met with frowns, up-and-down glances, tisk-tisk sounds.

Black women would approach us with exclamations of how "juicy" my daughter was.  They would smile and nod in approval and GUSH over my little girl.    

My darling little girl, just a few months old, was already being taught what beauty is and isn't in the eyes of whomever was looking at her.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? 

A BABY.

My daughter, at around age two, lost all of her "baby fat," though she's certainly still a curvy girl.

And shopping for a girl with, as my daughter like to say, "junk in the trunk," is not easy.  Everything in the little girl section of the store is tight, low-cut and essentially created with teenagers who are stick-thin in mind.  (Don't get me started on glitter, "I hate school" and "I love boys" themed slogans, and everything spoiled-little-princess.)   The clothes are so...adult.

Toys, greeting cards, books, movies, t.v. shows, advertisements---they are 99% all the same:  Euro-centric and the White standard of beauty.  And when the one "ethnic" doll appears on the shelves alongside the blond-haired, blue-eyed dolls, the "ethnic" doll is supposed represent all other races besides White.  The doll has green eyes, flowing and silky and straight and long dark-ish brown or black hair, and if the skin is tinted brown, it's always light brown.

The parent who wants to find things for their children that look like their children, accurately, has a job ahead of him or her.    (I've blogged about some of my favorite toys, toy companies, etc. many times.)

Our children are being taught, every day, through the media, through the items on shelves and on racks, and through the commentary of others, what beauty is and isn't.

Parents:  it's our job to diligently combat the White beauty standard that dominates our world and permeates into places we wouldn't normally suspect. 

How?

I think, one, we have to surround our children with the standard of beauty we want them to be familiar with and appreciate.  There are many ways to do this, but within your own home:

• buy dolls, action figures, and other toys that accurately look like your children
• buy books and DVDs and art that feature kids who look like your children
• obviously, have a diverse group of friends:  "Your child should not be your first black friend."
• personally subscribe to magazines that keep you abreast the latest issues that pertain to your child's race:  not only to educate yourself, but to have those magazines in your home so your children can see magazines that have advertisements and models who look like them (and advertise products that are specifically made for people of a certain race)
• buy clothing for your kids that they are confident in and that fit their body type.  And please, make them age-appropriate! 
• support businesses, clothing lines, publishers, production companies, etc. that create products that accurately depict children who look like yours
• be cautious of how you speak of your own beauty, and always, always cheer on your children for not only how beautiful they are, but how talented they are, how smart they are. 
• stand up for your kids in all areas of life, not just when their looks are critiqued---because by doing so, you teach your children to stand up for themselves (and how to do so effectively)
• monitor what your child is reading, watching, and hearing.  What are they learning through books, songs, shows, movies, online interactions?  Is it appropriate for their age and maturity level?  Is it helpful or detrimental?  What messages are being conveyed? 
• have honest, open conversations with your children about everything, including things they see, hear, and read.  Teach them to be critical thinkers, consumers, and world-changers.

Read much more on this subject in my book Come Rain or Come Shine:  A White Parent's Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children. 

I'll be spotlighting some products and companies I love this February as we celebrate Black History Month.   I'll be giving away hair products, books, and apparel which all uplift kids of color.     

In The News...

My husband always sends me new adoption articles from the various news websites he reads.  Here are two he has sent that have been interesting reads.  Let me know what you think!

Mom puts baby up for adoption...without telling dad

Young Boys Meet Through Friends and Discover They are Brothers

Finally, several people have brought this guy (and his TV show) to my attention.  I haven't watched it yet, but maybe you have?

Adoptive Breastfeeding

UPDATE:    Well, my internet has been funky all day, so I'm just now posting this.   I pumped for two and half days.   Then I learned the extent of the FBI and DCFS contract conflict in our lovely state of Illinois, which means it might be longer than expected for us to be able to adopt.     So the pumping is on hold.

Here's what I want to say:

1:  Please read the original post below.     I stand by everything I said!

2:  My consultant made a great point:  Breastfeeding is about a relationship, not about milk.    I stand by this as I put the pumping/breastfeeding on hold for now.

3:  I am not willing to pump for months on end with no due date, no end to this state nonsense, and with no match.     It's time-consuming, and to be perfectly honest, I am SO tired from staying up until 11 p.m. to pump and then getting up at 3 a.m. to pump.

4:  It wasn't painful to pump at all, and my consultant says pumping or breastfeeding shouldn't be painful.  If it is, you need to get help on fixing the issue.  

5:  I encourage you, if you are tinkering with the idea, to give it a whirl.    If it weren't for all this legal drama, I would probably continue.

I continue to welcome your comments and thoughts!  You all have been a tremendous blessing and source of encouragement!

-----


Arguably, adoptive breastfeeding is one of the most taboo topics in the adoption realm.     I think this is the case for a few reasons:

1:  Some just think it's outright strange.  Breastfeed a child who isn't biologically yours?   

2:  Some think you haven't earned it.  If you can't conceive, or go through 9 months of pregnancy, or give birth, then why do you think you deserve to breastfeed?  Earn your right to breastfeed, sister.

3:  Some think breastfeeding in general is gross/unnatural/strange/inappropriate/inconvenient, so adoptive breastfeeding.....

4:  Some don't know it's even possible, so when they hear of it, the initial reaction isn't positive.

5:  Some people are uncomfortable with anything that isn't within their own experience.

6:  Some people believe that birth parents would be deeply hurt knowing that their child is being breastfed by the adoptive mother.    Some also believe birth parents should be involved in the decision of the adoptive baby being breastfed or not.  

7:  Insert your own thoughts here.

I have contemplated breastfeeding for over four years now.  I didn't vocalize it much, because I wanted to avoid judgement (which is funny since we adopted transracially, and I don't care if someone has a problem with it).  

There is only one fairly-current book dedicated to adoptive breastfeeding:   Breastfeeding an Adopted Baby and Relactation.     Many breastfeeding books touch on the topic, but generally, very lightly.    There's also the Newman-Goldfarb method where the mother is encouraged to take certain medications and follow a particular set of techniques to induce lactation.    This book on attachment and this book on breastfeeding are also helpful.    (Note: Martha Sears, wife of Dr. William Sears, is an adoptive mother and breastfed her adopted daughter.)  Finally, my own breastfeeding consultant, Dee Kassing, published a fantastic article on a bottle-feeding method that supports breastfeeding.   (My sources say that many adoptive mothers do not make enough milk to exclusively breastfeed, so these moms have to supplement with alternative ways of feeding, be it bottles or an SNS).     

Here's what I've learned, in a nutshell:

1:  Inducing lactation, even if you've never been pregnant, is probably quite possible, but it can be extra challenging.

2:  Breastfeeding, even if NO milk is produced, is still beneficial for the mother and the baby.

3:  If you're adopting, you are already in the realm of "abnormal," so don't worry about what other people think and do what you want with your baby.  :)    (Get some inspriration here.)

4:  There ARE people who will support you.  The first person who needs to support you, if you go the breastfeeding route, is your partner.  The second person is your consultant (be it your doctor, a LeLeche leader, another lactation consultant, etc.).   Finally, you need others (friends and family---some, not all) to support your choice.  

(Note:  The best advice I got from a fellow adoptive mom when we were waiting to adopt transracially and needed to tell our nearest-and-dearest that we were open to a child of any race was this:  Tell with confidence; don't ask permission.     I think the same can be applied to adoptive breastfeeding.   You want support, so you may say, "We are choosing adoptive breastfeeding, and I hope I have your support."   Offer resources if prompted or if you think it would be helpful).  

Here are my personal fears:

1:  My diabetes.  Always.  My diabetes.  (Did I mention my diabetes?)

2:  Having two small children in the house already.   Is it possible to effectively breastfeed and care for two other children?  I also worry how fair it is to give a new baby so much mommy-time (more than I would having bottle fed) when I already have two children who need my attention.  And my husband generally did many of the middle-of-the-night feedings with our first two; will he be missing out on his bonding time if I snatch so much of the baby's time? 

3:  Sleep.  I don't just love to sleep.  I NEED to sleep.  People who sleep well weigh less, are overall healthier, and are more productive.  Oh yes, and they are in better moods.  :)

4:   Convenience.  I know, I know.  The age-old argument is that you don't need a bottle; just whip out the breast and feed the kid.   But it's likely I'll need to do both (breast and bottle feed), so it's almost extra inconvenient.  And I love convenience.  I hate time gaps, driving long distances, waiting.  basically, I'm impatient and demanding.   Though I've grown a bit better with time, I'm still me.

What I know is:

1:  I really want to do this.   I have wanted to for four years.  I don't know how many kids we'll adopt, but I don't want this chance to pass me by.

2:  Breastfeeding will force me to bond with my new baby quicker than if I (or any nearby person who wants to help a desperate mom of three) pop a bottle in the baby's mouth (perhaps propped up by laundry-waiting-to-be-folded). 

3:  It's healthier for the baby than formula.  (I know, I know.  Formula has come SUCH a long way; it's healthy; babies across the world are fed formula every day and are fine.)     My oldest daughter received milk from my sister-in-law for the first month of my daughter's life.   I strongly believe this great start has helped my oldest daughter continue to grow up healthy.    Maybe the breastmilk helped her with the potential family allergy issues?  I'd like to believe it did! 

4:  Babies grow up SO fast.   There's only a small window of opportunity when adoptive breastfeeding is possible for any given child.  (THIS IS THE THING I KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF.....)

5:  I don't carry much at all about what other people think.   I'm confident in my choices.  If someone has a problem with my decisions, he or she is spending too much time focusing on me and not on himself or herself.     (I did consider NOT blogging about this.  Is it TMI?   Will anyone care?  Will I lose readers if I start throwing around the b words like breastfeeding and breasts and bras?)

6:  There are always options.   I'm not up for taking any drugs to induce lactation.   Some mothers swear by it, but I'm incredibly picky about what I put into my body (thank you, diabetes!).   My consultant has shared with me that by pumping, along with some other natural procedures (hand expression, herbs, along with my own belief in positive thinking and visualization), it's possible to produce milk.  (BIG SIGH OF RELIEF).      And again, even if I don't produce anything, it's ok! 

I'd love to hear from you.  What do you think about adoptive breastfeeding?  Have you done it?  Considered it?  Researched it?   Why was it (or why wasn't it) for you?   

For more inspiration, check out these articles found on Adoptive Families website:

How I Was (Sort of) Able to Breastfeed

What You Need to Know to Breastfeed Your Baby

Nursing School

Nursing Matthew

Good Readin'

Families Who Adopt + More Services

Colors Poem

Dear Random Shopper...Adoption Rant


Enjoy my friends!

News You Can Use

Here are a few recent articles that are quite interesting!

The first is on talking to those (like me) with a chronic condition.

The second is on mixed-race children.

And, I wanted to share with those of you who buy healthy products for your family (be it hair care products, vitamins, foods, etc.), I love love love this website.  FAST delivery, great prices.     It's like the Amazon for all-things-healthy.  

Let's Play Society Says

I recently discovered this article online about parenting, and it's so calmly aggressive and honest. 

I admit, I'm the kind of parent who likes my time.  I like predictability.     I like control.     I love my children dearly, but I really struggle with just sitting and playing with them.  My mind is always going (I think many of you can relate).  I have chores to complete, papers to grade, dinner to make, errands to run.    I always have a project lingering, a table that needs wiping, a load of towels that need to be washed.   

I'm reading a great book right now that talks about how we need to look at these minuscule and ever-necessary tasks as privileges in serving our family, not as interruptions to come unglued over. 

Yep, easier said than done. 

But deep down, I get it.   

You know, older people always say to us younger parents:   the kids grow up so fast; enjoy your time with them.  We nod, smile, and then dismiss their comments, moving on to the next task.

But these people are SO right, aren't they?

Look back at the photos of your preschooler when he or she was an infant or toddler.    It's heartbreaking, really.   

What I'm learning is that just because something is challenging for you as a parent (sitting down to play with your kids, cuddling them instead of letting them cry it out, breastfeeding when bottle feeding would be more convenient for you), it doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do for your child. 

Just because society says you should follow a certain group of rules in order when it comes to parenting, doesn't mean they are right.  As the author of the article stated, "Although our babies begin by letting us know by the clearest signals what they need, if we ignore them they will eventually give up. At what cost did we get a compliant baby? As this is what contemporary Western civilization relies upon, it is little wonder why the relationship between parent and child has remained steadfastly adversarial."

I wonder how many of us will have adult children one day, children-turned-adults that love their parents but never really attached to them.   We will moan and groan that the kids NEVER come visit us, never call, leave us feeling lonely.   And I wonder how many of us will realize our kids are only doing to us what we did to them.   We teach our kids how to treat us.

It's scary to think about, isn't it? 

I hope that each of us can take some time to reflect upon our mothering practices and make improvements in whatever ways we feel convicted to do so.       I hope we learn to do what is best for our child, not society.     

Personally, I'll continue to fight the "to do" list and instead, spend time with my children.  It's all they really want and need.   It's free, I'm able to give it to them, and the memories we create are priceless.

Lazy Days

I feel somewhat guilty when I have a lazy day.    Granted, lazy around here means a light workout for me, lots of free play and movies for my girls, and some chores.  It might me a frozen pizza and cut-up fruit for dinner instead of a homemade feast.  

Society tells us that we must be on-the-go to be considered productive.  

But what is the true definition of productivity?  

Being a stay-at-home mom is incredibly challenging for me at times.   I worked my rear off to get my degree.   I went to school from kindergarten through grad school with no extended breaks.   I took classes all summer (four nights a week from 6-10 p.m.) in 2005 in order to get my Master's degree a semester early.   I got the degree in order to work.

I have what I think is the best of both worlds for our family.  I work outside the home part-time (teaching two classes a semester at a university) and also work inside the home part-time (freelance writing and working on my book) while also doing the most challenging job of all, full-time:  parenting my girls and taking care of our home.  

Part of my issue is that I put pressure on myself:   make homemade meals (because healthy food is important to us.  Thank you, type I diabetes), exercise (type I diabetes, again), keeping the house clean (can't stand it to be a total disaster---hampers my creativity and inner peace---for real), write a book (my dream), coupon (I enjoy it and it saves us money), and more.  

When I'm not doing these things, I feel like I'm not making progress, like I'm not being productive.

But then I realize, I am.   I am playing with the girls.  I am baking something with them.  We're having a dance party in the kitchen, or reading their Bible storybook, or painting, or we're in the pool.

These things are productive.  And they probably mean a whole lot more than the things I actually pretend are productive.  

I want to teach my girls that what the world calls "lazy" I call necessary.   People who don't take care of themselves surround us all (maybe we are even one of them!).   People who don't eat well, because they don't have time.  People who don't exercise, because they don't have time.  People who don't take 30 minutes to sit on the couch and talk to their spouse or child, because they don't have time.  These little choices add up---and consequences arise.

This summer, I started with a list of goals.  Some of them I fulfilled, some I did not.   I have to let go of the "did nots" and realize that the moments I spent doing "nothing" were actually the moments that brought me the most joy, peace, and fulfillment.

I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with all of this.   I guess I'm hoping that each of you MAKE the time to invest in doing nothing, whatever that is to you.    There are endless rewards to saying no to the world's definition of productivity and success.  

I'd love to know from you:

---What is your "nothing" day or hours look like? 
---What changes have you made to slow your family's pace?
---What do want to teach your children about productivity and success?

Share!
  
And for a fabulous article on the subject of slowing down and finding joy, I highly recommend this new article from PARENTS magazine. 

Check Out ESSENCE mag: Article on Transracial Adoption

The September issue of ESSENCE magazine should hit stands any second.     On pages 160 and 161, transracial adoption is explored.    We are THRILLED to be a part of this article!   Both my blog, a family photo, and quotes from me are featured.    I'm honored to be a spokesperson for the transracial adoption community, and I hope I've made you all proud.

Great Article: Let's Stop Labeling Adopted Kids

Happy weekend, and happy reading!

When In Doubt...Type It Out!

An article I wrote last year for MyBrownBaby.com is blowing up the website once again.   Apparently a few people (with many friends?) have been posting a link to the article on their Facebook pages, getting posters riled up about transracial adoption.

I hope you'll visit the article and leave a comment there, letting readers know what you think.


Oh, and while you're reading (instead of sleeping, working, or doing chores), check out this awesome post by a fellow adoption blogger on the whole idea of Mommy Wars and we should really be fighting for. 

Lastily, are you going to enter the Adoptive Families photo contest?   We sure are!  Good luck!