Dear Sugar: Happy Anniversary to Me and the Hubs!

Dear Sugar:

Today, my husband and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage. Here are some fun fact about us:

-We met at a church coffee house and concert event.  I saw a guy I thought was cute and was flirting with him, when a man approached me and said he knew my mom.  Turns out the man and my mom are cousins, and the guy I was flirting with?  MY COUSIN.  I turned away from him, met Steve, and flirted with him instead.   (We included this hysterical story in our wedding program!)

-When we met, I had a boyfriend, whom I promptly dumped.  

-When we started dating, I was 16; he was 19.  I was in high school, he was in college.  We had attended the same high school when I was a freshman and he was a senior, but we didn't know each other then.  

-Our first date was at Denny's.  He bought my hot chocolate.  He was the first guy I dated who paid for my food. 

-After another fun time at Denny's with church friends, Steve drove me home.  My parents grounded me for a week for riding home with a stranger-college-boy that they didn't know.  

-He attended (as a college guy!) both my junior and senior proms and two homecoming dances as my date.    

-He introduced me to country music, which I hated before, and within a few months of dating, I knew every lyric to every song.   He also introduced me to camping, boating, golfing, and hiking:  which is funny because we don't do any of those things now! 

-He proposed at sunset on Sanibel Island where we were vacationing with his parents.

-We dated five years before getting married.  

-I got married at age 21.  I walked down the aisle to the theme song ("Once Upon a Dream") from Disney's Sleeping Beauty, which was my favorite childhood movie.  

-Our reception was the very, very best.  Held in a place called "The Warehouse" with brick walls, strings of lights, and lots, and lots, and lots of dancing.   I had the most gorgeous (two piece!) dress!

-We honeymooned on The Outer Banks of North Carolina, which is where a ton of Nicholas Sparks' book plots take place.  

-In fifteen years, we lived in one townhouse and two houses.  Six graduations.   Five jobs for him.  Seven jobs for me.    

-My husband saved my life.  After being sick for 1.5 years with no proper diagnosis (despite visiting five medical professionals), one afternoon I took a long, long nap.  When Steve couldn't get in touch with me on my cell, he frantically drove home, put my shoes on me, and put me in the car.  He took me to the ER where I was told I was very lucky to be alive.  I was in a state called DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis) with a blood sugar of 700, which is 7x the norm.  

-I knew I wanted to adopt immediately after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  It took Steve a year to come around to my plan.  

Us when we got THE call for our first child!  

-Steve's parents have been married 49 years.  Mine almost 38 years. Longevity!   

-Our biggest differences?  He's analytical, and I'm the visionary.   I make quick decisions, he takes a long time to make his decisions.   He is more flexible and forgiving, while I'm more passionate and erratic.   

-Sometimes we look at each other and say, "WE HAVE FOUR KIDS!"  God has blessed us with the family we never envisioned for ourselves.   God has the BEST surprises!   

Do we have a secret?  No.  We are flawed people.   But we have parents who modeled for us that "family is forever" and commitment is everything.  We're "in it to win it."   And one day, when the kids have jobs and families of their own, all my hubby wants to do is travel the country in his incredible RV.  God-willing, that's exactly where we will be.   

Cheers to us!  

How long have you been married?  What's your secret?  

Discipline, Tiredness, and Life With Three

Just when you think you have things "innnn controlllll" (as Animal says on The Muppets)...your kid or kids (in my case) hits a new stage and the tried-and-true plan goes out the window.

We've had a lot of struggles in the past few months.

For one, I'm learning (and finally, settling into) to parent three kids.   The other day I asked my husband, "What did I do when I only had two kids?"   I cannot even remember what that life was like, that life that was only 4 months ago.

For another, my second child, who is 2.5, cannot stay in bed.   We've tried everything.  Everything.   So before you ask if I've purchased a noise machine, given her a supplement or special tea, had her iron levels checked, dimmed the lights, turned on the ceiling fan, or let her read books in bed, baby-gated or crib-tented her in....well, just don't.     And her antics keep her sleep-loving older sister awake, and then hysterical.  Bedtime has been a complete circus.

Then the kids, after being healthy all winter, all got colds.   And then Miss E's asthma and allergies flared up (hello spring and all it's allergens) and Baby E got a bad case of croup which meant by day, she was her energetic self and by night, she couldn't breathe, was crying so much she puked all over me, and we had to sit with her in a steamy bathroom reading books until she could finally chill out.

Then by the time we got both girls asleep, Baby Z would wake up for his last feeding, leaving zero time for mom and dad to look at each other for a few seconds, talk about the day, or even breathe.  

We've also been dealing with a few open adoption struggles.

Ok, so back to discipline.

It's so easy to get fed up, frustrated, and just really really pissed off.    For one, a mom of multiple kids is juggling not only multiple personalities and preferences, but new life stages and struggles.   My oldest really wants me to just do stuff with her and just sit and listen to her.  My middle child wants me to watch every.single.thing.she.does.with.no.break.in.eye.contact.; additionally, I have to keep my eye on her at all times because she's a daredevil.  (I'm typing this as she inches off the couch to sit on the end table and play with the lamp while peeking at me under her eyelids to see if I'll respond.)   And of course, having a new baby brings about it's own constant challenges and adjustments.  

I'm realizing a few things:

1:  It's ok to have a day that the world would deem "unproductive."   If all we accomplish is getting dressed, playing, and eating----well, that's ok.   If we skip preschool because it's just better to sleep in and have a lazy morning where everyone wakes up well-rested and happy, that's ok.   If we aren't in 20 million activities (like most other kids I know), well, that's great!  More time for free play that isn't directed/dictated by adults.

2:  Parenting is exhausting (and Mommy Brain is a true medical condition).  Having three kids is way harder than two.  WAY HARDER.  I will even get all three kids in the car and think, "Where is the other kid?"  (Yep, there is no fourth kid.  I can't even remember some days how many kids I have or what their names are).    So carving out as many mini-breaks as I can is ok.  It is ok to ignore my kids' antics on the playset while I read a magazine.   It's ok to shush them for fifteen minutes so I can call a friend or check Facebook.    It's ok to forgo doing dishes to cuddle a child and hear what's on her heart.  

3:  Discipline doesn't have to be complicated.   Don't let personal emotions/moods dictate how discipline goes.   Pick a consistent method and do it.   We use 1, 2, 3 magic a lot.   I've also done a bit of reflection/research on parenting.   Two things come to mind.  

---How I speak to my children.    I know I need to get down on their level, look in their eyes, and respond firmly and calmly to them.  Proverbs 15:1 advises to speak gently, not harshly (to avoid harm), and Eph. 6:4 advises parents not to provoke their children which leads to anger.

---How I punish them.   First, I love what my dear friend said recently when I asked her what she would say her parenting style is.  She said, "Parenting with grace."     So here's my thoughts on spanking---that hot button issue that boils blood.  :)    It seems that spanking is less and less popular/promoted as an effective discipline method.    I grew up in a household that occasionally spanked.   Adoptive parents are not supposed to spank their children (saith DCFS...and/or the agency....but that's another issue altogether).  Once I heard a preacher talk about how parents often quote "spare the rod, spoil the child" as their reasoning for spanking, and then he said that the "rod" in Bible times was used as a teaching tool, a guide, a symbol, not a spanking tool or metaphor.   Think about it.  "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."   Or think of Moses staff that he carried, using it to demonstrate God's power.

So punishment tends to be more creative.   Slam the door?  You will open and shut it 10x nicely while counting.   (Works like a charm!)    We use standing in the corner a lot.   If there's any physical aggression toward another, we have an apology/forgiveness mini-session plus a talk about "nice touches"...as well as talking about the appropriate way to stand up for oneself ("Don't do that to me!  I don't like it!" while standing up and looking the person in the eye).    We love the book "Teeth Are Not for Biting."  I've found that short, repetitive phrases work really well.  (We SO often say, "When you make a mess, then you clean it up.")  

I'm also learning to really let some stuff go.   Let the kids work out their issues at times.  Not jump in every four seconds.   (I saw a mom at the library the other day with her maybe 1.5 year old, who said, when her daughter wouldn't share toys with my 2.5 year old, "We are still learning about the word share."  I wanted to laugh and say, "She's your first kid, right?"   Because it's completely natural for a 1.5 year old to be selfish!   Now I'm not saying don't encourage sharing...but the situation reminded me of how far I've come as a mom and how much more relaxed I am now).    No hover-parenting. 

I feel like when you teach good manners and responses in your home, it will come naturally to the kids over time, and you don't have to stand there with your hands on your hips and hover, hover, hover, or praise, praise, praise, or remind, remind, remind.  

A lot of views stem from the fact that I teach---mostly freshman.  And there's an increasing number of students who cannot seem to function without Mommy and Daddy.  They blame the teacher for their bad grades, lack of learning/understanding, and overall, their tough days.   They don't take responsibility for their actions.  They speak to teachers as if they are peers or worse, scum on the floor.    They text or FB in class, leave trash on the tables, and ask, "Are we doing anything in here today?"    

I swear, my preschooler acts better than many of my students. 

And it's really sad.

All this to say----parenting is a big job.  And parenting three kids is a REALLY big job.   And I don't want to screw it up.

So I'm going to give myself grace.

I'm going to give my kids even more grace (because they are dealing with an imperfect mommy).  

I'm going to take into consideration their personalities and stages/seasons.

I'm going to keep changing....bending with the wind....and reading "Shades of People" for the 1000th time, and praying that God grants me more patience with Baby E when she gets out of her bed....again....

because that's what is working.

Staycation

In mid-July, my husband and I planned a staycation to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary.      We packed up the kids, dropped them off with friends, and spent twenty-four hours ALONE.

A staycation can be incredibly lovely for a few reasons:
1:  It's cheaper than staying in a hotel.
2:  It's more comfortable than staying in a hotel.
3:  It's closer (for us) to the kids if something were to come up.

We ate out twice (Thai---yum, and at a local restaurant we were dying to try together---where we ordered drinks, entrees, sides, and dessert!), we walked, we took a nap, we slept in the next morning, we ate ice cream and watched a movie, we drove down a local historical street to house-gaze, we read, and we shopped (drumroll please...) at a dollar store.   

What we didn't do:   clean, wash dishes, do laundry, rush, run errands, talk on our phones, answer emails, or watch crappy tv. 

It was bliss.

It's incredibly easy to put your marriage on the back burner while you raise kids, work, and take care of the house.   I highly recommend a staycation.  The 24 free hours we had was relaxing, fun, and inspirational.    

    

Pre-Kids and Post-Kids Marriage

Pre-kids, my husband and I would:

---Sleep in on Saturday mornings.  
---Eat at a restaurant at a leisurely pace.
---Travel.  A lot.  We almost always drove, even it was to the East Coast (16 hours away).
---Go for drives.  (Yep, that's before gas was $4.09 a gallon).
---Read a lot of books.
---Sit through an entire church service.
---Go on double-dates with friends.
---Visit our families often.
---Spend hours cuddled up on the couch watching TV and eating snacks.
---Go for long walks.

Ahh.  Don't you feel relaxed just reading that?  :)

Our life now involves:

---Sleeping in maybe once a month, if that.   And it's pretty much a miracle.
---Eating in at home 99.9% of the time because taking the kids to a restaurant is disruptive, stressful, and expensive.
---Traveling long distances only by airplane, as I refuse to take two young kids on a 16-hour journey to the East Coast.  And even if you broke that into two days, 8-hours a day, listening to Dora or that annoying conductor on Dinosaur Train, or worse, Thomas and Friends---no way ever.   Traveling by plane costs so much more between plane tickets, baggage fees, and a rental car.  It's worth it.
---Baby E hates when the car stops for any reason.  Drives aren't pleasant.
---I read, when I can, but sadly, it's so rare to get more than a few pages in.
---I haven't sat through an entire church service without getting up with one of my kids, worrying about one of my kids, or cleaning up after one of my kids since Miss E's birth.  The first question I ask my husband after church:  "What was the sermon about?" (Even if I was the one who got to sit through it). 
---A double-date involves paying a sitter and paying for dinner. $$$  And about ten texts to and from the sitter.
---Visiting our family involves packing the entire car to the brim, praying everyone is happy and healthy, having a fab time visiting, and then coming home to recover for two days.
---We do spend a few hours on the couch every week watching TV and having dessert, but I usually get up a few times to do chores (switch laundry over, put dishes in sink to soak, or fold towels).   Most of the time we have plans to watch a movie, but by the time the kids are in bed and we've done a few odd-and-end tasks, we are too tired.  Plus, most movies suck, it seems, and are total time-wasters. 
---Long walks?  Nope.  Short walks involve thirty minutes to get them in the stroller (including packing snacks, diabetes supplies for me, water for all, airing up the stroller tires, forgetting three things...you get the picture).

I love being a mother.   Nothing is more rewarding right now than having my two girls climbing all over me, demanding my attention so they can share a silly dance move or say (gasp!) a naughty word like "poop" which makes us all giggle, and putting their sweet, tiny hands on my cheeks. 

It's exhausting.

It's exhilarating.

It's fabulous.

But, my poor husband.  Where does he fit in?  Where do I fit in?   We are supposed to be this fab husband-wife team who are crazy in love, passionate about Jesus, awesome parents, loyal friends, dutiful family members, stellar employees.     We are supposed to put Jesus first, our spouse second, and our kids third, followed by everything else.

Um.  Ok.  Sure.

The other night after the kids went to bed (get your mind out of the gutter, readers, this isn't going to be a sexy-time story...hehe), we went outside to load a rug into my husband's car so he could make a Kohl's run to return the rug.     We were laughing about how it appeared we were carrying a dead body to his car.  Then we hugged.  The weather was incredible---warm, balmy, and clear.  It was just us, outside.   It was the simplest moment.  But it was so refreshing.

I hate that my priorities are constantly backward.  I hate that I can't ever seem to get it right for more than a few days at a time.  (Though I am reminded that, hello, I'm not perfect and I will forever be screwing up and that's where God comes in).

I am reading, when I have time, two books that I'd like to share with you.   Consider ordering a copying or requesting one from your library.  I have found them to be insightful and interesting.   

Love and Respect (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs):  The book is redundant at times, and I haven't read every page because I got a little bored.  But the overall message is that men need respect and women need love, and when one meets the need of the other, a cycle of love and respect creates a healthier, happier marriage.  

Real Marriage:  The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together (Mark and Grace Driscoll):  I saw the authors on The View one morning (which yep, they got grilled by those liberal ladies---but still fascinating).   The book is intriguing.  The authors talk about the subjects outlined in the subtitle, and thankfully, they don't use euphemisms for sex that have me rolling my eyes.   (My favorite:  "petting" and "necking"---what is it, 1950?)  

I'd love to be THAT couple----the one everyone is madly jealous of.  We walk into a room and people see us as passionate and energetic and soooo in-love.    Instead, we are really just so ordinary.   I hate ordinary.     I think these books are helping me learn more about how to be a better wife. 

Now, hopefully I can commit to these changes beyond a day or two. ;)

Time for Your Man + My Latest Adoption Article

Life is busy.

Understatement. :)

My husband works for a large financial company---and like every other company right now, there are stresses due to the tough economy. My husband puts in long hours to provide for our family.

I'm preparing to return to the University to teach part-time in a few weeks. Planning a 16 week course (x2 different classes) is quite a task! Not to mention I'm writing for Diabetes Health, Adoptive Families, and other publications.

Oh yeah, and we have two kids: an infant and a toddler. Enough said about that.

So how do we stay connected? Here are some tips. And I am, by no means, an expert. This is just what is working for us:

1. Stop watching crappy television. We canceled many shows on our DVR. If we want to watch a mindless show, we do so when the other person is busy. For instance, when I nap (along with the girls) on a Sunday afternoon, my husband can watch one of his man shows.




2. Shut off the technology. We try not to use the computer or our cell phones after 7 p.m. every night and rarely on the weekends.




3. Go on a date. Duh.




4. Plan a one-night getaway, even if it's just locally or even a staycation (stay at home minus the kids!). Trade babysitting with friends to save money.




5. Don't say "yes" very often. I'm not a fan of being majorly involved in many activities to where it compromises your family's togetherness, bonding, and unity. I have my adoptive mom group that meets once a month. My husband goes on an annual man-weekend.

What works for you?

-----

Will my kids be black enough? Find out more on My Brown Baby.

Are Your Married to Your Kids?

I was reading an article the other day that talked about the so-so marriage: the one that makes it day to day without too much turmoil but is more like existing instead of living. The author goes on to say that one reason many marriages are so-so is because many people are "married" to their kids instead of their spouse.

Interesting.

I'm temporarily a stay-at-home-mom. When Baby E was born in November and we got the call for her two weeks later, I had already started planning my next semester's curriculum. After a few discussions with my husband and some deep thinking, it was obvious to me that it would be best for everyone if I took a semester off to be with my two daughters. So I did.

And now my job is to take care of them: all day, every day. My life is centered around their needs, their tantrums, their moods, their bouts of illness, their desires. My days are filled with feedings/meals, diaper changes, play dates, naps (lack of naps), baths, outdoor fun, indoor fun, and then occasional "me" moments like a shower, a workout, blogging time, a flip through a magazine.

So when my husband gets home around 6:00 each evening, I am hardly in wife-mode. I've probably just cooked dinner (which may or may not have gone well). I'm probably holding one of my two kids while stacking dishes by the sink or loading the dishwasher. I may be returning a phone call, picking up toys, or cleaning spit off both myself and my infant.

This is SO not like the life we had when dating and then newly married. We would travel, kiss and hold hands all the time, eat dinner out, visit family for the weekend, watch whatever we wanted on TV, and plan our next vacation. It's true that having kids changes everything.

When the author of the article I read asked readers, "Are you married to your kids?", I felt 100% guilty. I do feel married to my kids. I give them nearly all my affection, time, and energy. I excuse this by saying, "But it's my JOB."

I do believe, deep down, that we should first love and honor God, then our spouse, then our kids. But my life is totally the other way. 1: Kids. 2: Husband and God (somewhere....sometime....someday.....).

I guess it's because my kids are right in front of me (or on top of me, or under me, or beside me) ALL the time. There is no, "Hold on, honey. Mommy has to read her Bible and pray quietly" moments. Conversations with my spouse are interrupted at least ten times. Though we are teaching our toddler to say, "Excuse me" when she wants to speak to us, that's hardly fixing the problem.

Experts often talk about scheduling dates and intimate times...blah, blah, blah. That takes money (to pay a sitter AND go out), time, and immense planning (for food, fun, etc. while we are gone and the sitter has to take over my duties). But I know, deep down, it's necessary and worth it.

And our lives will just continue to get busier as our kids get older and get involved in more activities, attend birthday parties, etc.

I just don't know sometimes how to get started and how to stay motivated when I know today I have six errands to run, dishes to do, and babies to care for.

I have an amazing husband, by the way. He's a great provider. He's a hands-on dad. He is present. He runs errands, helps with chores, and gets up for almost all the middle-of-the-night cries. I feel that I drastically under appreciate him. But I'm just too tired or unmotivated to do anything about my appreciation.

So sad.

I don't want to be married to my kids.

I just, like all women, have to find that balance between all the roles we are to play. And play them all well. :)



So....

Are you married to your kids? Your job? Something/someone else besides your spouse?

What do you love about your spouse?

What makes the two of you happy together? Travel? A picnic? A bike ride?

Schedule a date to do something you love.

Work your kids' schedules so that the family and the pair of you have some down time.

Turn off the TV.

Put the kids to bed early.

Hire the babysitter.

As Nike says, "JUST DO IT."

Back Burner

We did it. We became THAT couple. The one who focused all their attention on their child. And thus, the marriage fell by the wayside.

It's hard not to focus on Miss E. She's charming, she's hilarious, she's adorable. Everything she does has us grabbing the camera (Lord knows I spend a lot of money on photo albums, scrapbooking supplies, and photo printing). She's. Just. So. Amazing.

Furthermore, for 14 months before we had Miss E, much of our time together focused on the topic of adoption. We talked about openness, transracial issues, questions, comments, resources, nursery furniture, opinions, thoughts, formula, fears. Oh, and my favorite topic---baby names. (I can see my husband rolling his eyes now. He was such a trooper during those numerous discussions). We were parents, it seemed, long before our baby arrived.

But what about the US that happened before the US + 1?

I really appreciate this recent post by one of my favorite bloggers. She offers readers ways to "nourish" their marriages via cheap or free date ideas.

This post was quite encouraging. And stirred my heart. I knew something needed to change. We needed to "step it up." So we had a talk.

We struggle with the same things other parents do. We both work, we have commitments to our community (church, a local hospital, committees), we have chores (me=indoor, him=outdoor), we have personal desires (me=read yet another adoption or going green book, husband=watch another episode of Swamp Loggers or Pawn Stars), obstacles (me=low or high blood sugar, him=tired after working 8-9 hour day followed by daughter and wife maintenance, followed by a mental and physical crash). At the end of the day, without any dedication, commitment, or effort, we find ourselves sitting like lumps on the couch, eating ice cream, and getting glassy eyed as 10:30 p.m. approaches. At the end of the day, neither of us had any energy left.

It's easy to let that which take for granted move to the back burner. It's a slow fade, a gradual move. And one day you wake up and think, "Wow. What happened? When? How?"

We hit that moment where we both realized that even though we weren't outright unhappy, we were both dissatisfied, and it was time to buck up and do something about it.

There's so much competing for our time and energy, so we would have to commit, firmly, to our time together.

For me personally, it means not grabbing my cell phone every time it rings or texting people back right away. It also means avoiding spending all evening, after my daughter is in bed, at the computer (revising articles, checking Facebook, blogging....). It means putting forth more effort (and certainly a better attitude) toward the little things that might make my husband's day easier or better. This might mean an "I love you" e-mail, preparing a favorite meal, making sure a certain load of needed laundry gets done, etc. What makes me happy is my husband taking care of our daughter for an evening so I can head out with girlfriends or him doing the dishes just because he knows how much I appreciate having a clean kitchen when I get up in the morning.

I believe in the power of small, simple acts.

We discussed how serving our daughter (changing her diaper, playing with her, feeding her, reading her a book, etc.) is meeting HER needs, not OUR needs. When we serve our child, we aren't necessarily serving one another, though the occasional break for either of us, while the other occupies the babe, does provide some relief and relaxation.

We discussed how it's crucial that we treat one another well so that our daughter knows what a healthy, whole, God-minded relationship looks like. We want her to use this as her standard for when she seeks relationships in her life. Negative comments, a snippy tone, or a grumpy face speak volumes.

We discussed what we each need in various areas of our lives...and provided one another with some concrete suggestions. For me, it's a foot rub (darn diabetes has my feet tingling after a long day of chasing a toddler). For him, it's time to sit and veg. Time to just BE.

We both mentioned how we need to feel appreciated. My argument is that my job as a mostly SAHM never ends. I don't have set hours, lunch breaks, etc. I'm on call all the time. My husband goes to work at a demanding and busy job for eight hours a day, and then comes home to more "work" (a family who has needs and craves his attention and care). So really, his job doesn't end either. We both need to take time to appreciate (and verbalize that appreciation) the other. This isn't a competition. This is LIFE full of compromise and cooperation in the hope that the greater good will be met for each of us.

Both of us know we'd be lost without the other. We have so much give and take in our relationship, and our routine seems to flow organically. We've been married for almost seven years, and we dated for five years prior to that. We know one another. And though there is comfort and security and commitment in those twelve years, the downfall is that getting too used to the other can lead to a slippery slope of neglect, lack of motivation, and loss of energy and excitement.

A good marriage takes work---just like everything else in life. But as Dr. Phil (love him!) says, the best parents are the ones who make their marriage a priority. We can't give what we do not have. And we must model for our children that which we want them to pursue and have in their futures. For us, that means love, respect, generosity, unselfishness, compromise, commitment, dedication, and laughter.

What do your choices say about your marriage? What is lacking in the relationship? What can you do, right now, to make your spouse's day better? What are your needs, and how can you best present them to your spouse? What qualities of a good relationship would you like to model for your children?

I hope that each person reading this decides that he or she is worth the effort and time it takes to fight for a good marriage. The decisions you make will trickle down---good or bad. Choose love and relish in the abundant blessings that come with it.