Maintaining Birth Family/Cultural Ties: Adoption Talk Linkup

Hey, Sugars!

This week we're focusing on one of two topics:  maintaining birth family OR cultural ties within the family-by-adoption.

Both topics are dear to my heart.  We have three open, transracial adoptions.  What does this mean in our day-to-day lives, in the "maintaining"? A lot of work, learning, and changing.   A lot of joys.  A lot of challenges.  Seasons of elation and seasons of confusion and seasons of difficulties.  Comes with the parenting territory.

What's kept us going, as the kids' parents, is a commitment to empathy, education, and empowerment.  The three Es.   And, above all, listening to God's whispers (and shouts) in our day-to-day parenting.

I write and talk a lot about openness in adoption and transacial adoption.  Books, media appearances, articles, and, of course, blog posts.   I'm incredibly passionate about these topics, mostly because I remember what it was like to be at the starting line and how oh-so-very-long-and-bumpy the track ahead appeared.   And then as we started that journey....the unexpected.   I felt like we were sometimes running with our eyes closed, never knowing when we'd fall in a pothole, stumble over debris, or find ourselves off the path completely.

Certainly, I cannot boil down my thoughts on transracial adoption and maintaining cultural ties to just a few bullet points.   I couldn't even boil it down to less than 200 pages.  :)  But I certainly believe there are some highlights that are incredibly important, worthy of their own post.  So here goes...

1:  Find a mentor for your child.   I cannot even begin to express how much my girls adore their mentor, she adores them, and I adore her.   I've been asked a few times how in the world do you find a mentor?   We called our local university (where I used to teach) and connected with faculty who were willing to send our information and request to a few students they felt would be a good match for us.   Through that, we interviewed about six young women.   We asked questions, watched them interact with the children, and asked about availability.    We wanted a female, someone who would be living in the area for some time, a Christian, and someone actively pursuing a college degree.    This relationship has been so beautiful, for all of us.   J has blessed us with hair advice, meeting her family and boyfriend, spending time with our girls, listening to our fears and struggles and offering suggestions.  We've been able to dine with her, advise her on college/educational matters, and encourage her in her goals.

J and Baby E 

2:   Get your child's hair done by someone else.  I am capable of doing my kids' hair.  And often, I do their hair.  I take pride in my growing ability to care for their hair.    However, there's nothing like the beauty, the experience, the investment, of having a person who racially matches my children doing the kids' hair.   It's worth the money.  The distances driven.    The relationships that have formed are invaluable.  And in case you haven't already heard, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT HAIR.  It's about history and culture and pride and confidence and joy and possibility.     And when my girls' hair is styled perfectly, created by the hands and experience of a person of color, and I'm asked, "Do you do their hair?" by a strangers, I can say with happiness that no, no I didn't.   Because between the knees or in the chair of a Black professional, memories were made and values were instilled.

   The latest hairstyles, done by our friend Miss R

3:   Fill your home with literature and art and toys by Black creators.   Reflections of your children throughout your home demonstrate that where your heart is.

One of our favorite books displayed in our living room

4:  Never stop learning about your child's racial culture, history, and present.  Follow Black news media sources on Facebook and Twitter, watch YouTube videos on how to style hair, take a class, subscribe to magazines like Essence, visit Black historical sites and monuments and festivals and restaurants, etc.  Watch movies.  Listen to music.  Just learn.  

Our subscription to ESSENCE has been a great resource for our family.  

5:  Have a diverse group of friends.  There is no substitute for face-to-face interactions and meaningful relationships with those whom you can listen to and learn from and love.   Though it's easy for today's adoptive parents to log on to any social media outlet and ask a question, having friendships that involve personal, intimate, and face-to-face interactions are priceless.

Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!

Todays topic is maintaining birth family and cultural ties. Grab a button for your post and join Erin, Jamie, Jenni, Jill, Madeleine, Rachel, and me! New to linking up? We'd love to have you join us, here's how.

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An InLinkz Link-up

Dear Waiting and New Parents By Adoption: Guard Your Heart

When I was a little girl, we used to sing a song in Sunday school that went like this:

“Oh be careful little mouth what you say” followed by “Oh be careful little ears what you hear” and “Be careful little eyes what you see.”  Check out a modern day version by Casting Crowns called "Slow Fade."

The messages in both are clear:  be discerning and guard your heart.

  

Today, I want to talk to waiting and new parents by adoption.

Recently, a good friend of mine who is heavily invested in the adoption world (like me) has expressed her need to step back from the plethora of adoption-talk on social media and on websites.  She’s chosen to unfollow many of the adoption pages she engages with on Facebook.  She’s not writing as many articles or starting many new projects, because her work focuses on adoption. 

She’s taking a breather.  She’s smart.

There is so much information on adoption “out there.”  Information can be a great thing!  But the problem comes in that there is also so many opinions.  And because adoption isn’t just a choice, but also a matter of the heart, the opinions of others can weigh heavily on new and waiting parents by adoption, making their load heavier, not lighter.  Adoption becomes a burden, not a blessing.

If you’ve read my blog, books, and articles, you know I don’t think adoption is all Cotton-Candy-Rainbow-Roses-Butterflies (and any other magical things you can think of).  As I’ve said many times, I describe adoption as bittersweet, intricate, and complicated.   There are many issues with all forms of adoption, BIG issues, issues that need complete renovation.  Like, take-it-down-to-the-studs renovation. 

Those who don’t take adoption deeper to its under-the-water-iceberg levels (where 90% of the iceberg is) will run into problems as their adoptee grows up.  They won’t be prepared, empathetic, educated, honest.  They will be more likely to bury their heads further into the sand than to confront their child’s questions and feelings.    This is problematic.  It is not okay. 

However, there are many, many parents by adoption who know the realities and possibilities.  

They’ve read books, blogs, and articles.  They are listening.  They are learning.  They are mindful and purposeful.  Some of these parents are adoptees themselves, or siblings or spouses of adoptees.  They GET IT. 

But they are burning out quickly.   Because instead of being willingly led through murky waters, they are being dragged through them by their choices of what they see, hear, say, and go. 

And that has got to stop.

You cannot be a great parent when you are looking down.  You just can’t.  When you are burdened, you cannot possibly be your best, be the parent your child needs. 

Which brings me to the old song I sang as a child.   Parents (waiting or placed), be careful what you say, what you choose to listen to, and what you choose to read and believe.  Be discerning.  Be wisdom seeking.   Focus on “ [. . .] whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8, ESV)

Remember, your job, once you become a parent, is to love, nurture, support, and encourage your child.  You need to accept your child in whole (including his or her beginnings) and without condition.

 

This is a big job. 

I implore you to carefully guard your hearts.  Say no to distractions.  Say yes to wisdom.  Say no to squeaky wheels.  Say yes to experience.  Say no to Satan's whispers and coaxing.  Say yes to possibilities. 

Relish in the realities of your child's adoption, in all its bittersweetness, complexities, and intricacies.  Say yes to today’s joys and challenges. 

Say yes to meeting your child’s needs, above all else.  

And deny, with all in you, and with God's strength, the daily temptations to live a distracted, misguided, burdened life.  

----

Dear Sugar,

If you find yourself already in a dark place, a place of burdens and anxiety, refer to these verses for encouragement:

Matthew 11:29-30:  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

1 Peter 5:6-7:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you

I'm praying for you.  I'm cheering for you.   

(And for more encouragement on your journey, whether you have adopted already or are waiting, check out a year's worth of inspiration here).

Message for All The Mamas Out There About This Summer

Ya'll!

(I'm wrapping up a vaca in the South.  Ya'll is BIG here.)

I wrote this article for Scary Mommy, and it's become wildly and quickly popular.   Like 135,000-people-have-liked-it popular.

It's a message super close to my heart, because as a type 1 diabetic, I know a thing or two about body image.

I hope you'll hop over and read it.  Let me know what you think!

Happy summer, Sugars!  

Dear Rachel: A Letter to Myself Before the First Adoption

Dear Rachel,

This is Now-Rachel.  I have three children by adoption.  And here’s what you need to know right now as you wait for your first child: 

Pray more for the unknown mom who will entrust you with her child than you pray for yourself.  But don’t forget to pray for yourself, too.   Just don’t forget to pray in general. 

You have no control over what happens.   You do have control over your reactions. 

Don’t stop living your life just because you are waiting for babies.  Relish in today’s joys.  Handle today’s challenges. 

Being nervous, neurotic, confused, angry, and hopeful are perfectly normal emotions.

Listen to your budding mommy-gut more than you listen to advice books and blogs and other parents.  God gave you a mommy-gut for a reason!

Nest away.  Nest fiercely and passionately.  Enjoy it. 

No matter how many times you adopt, each time is scary, heartbreaking, and difficult.  The number of times you adopt has no bearing on each adoption process and the emotions you will face.  When human hearts and lives are involved, it’s terrifying and overwhelming. 

Listen to every woman of color who approaches you with advice on hair, skin, and culture once your sweet baby is home.

Don’t answer every question (or feel obligated to answer every question) you are asked about your child and her adoption.  It’s okay to walk away mid-conversation or tell someone they are being rude or intrusive. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for advice from women of color.  Humble yourself! 

The What-If Game is ridiculously time consuming and stress inducing.  Stop playing it! 

Give yourself permission to just sit and hold your baby for hours on end.  There is nothing like the first baby and the earliest days. 

Trust the old ladies who tell you that kids grow up so fast and time flies.  They are 100% right!  Relish in today.

Love with reckless abandon.  

You have nothing to prove.  You are just who you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are supposed to do.  All negative voices have no place in your life. 

You are a great (budding) mother, and you will just get better with time!

Forgive yourself.  Often.  Early.  And move forward.  Yesterday shouldn’t put you in chains. 

Breathe in that sweet baby smell one hundred times a day.  Bury your nose in your baby’s neck even more.  Snuggle away.  Get lost in your baby’s eyes.   Savor every smile and sleepy gaze.

Love, Rachel

Paying Expenses in a Potential Adoption Situation

Recently, I've seen paying expenses being questioned and discussed on several adoption Facebook groups.   Here's how we feel (and why):

We do not pay expenses.

(When I say expenses, I mean rent,  utility bills, car payments, cell phone bills, clothing, etc.)

First, paying expenses, no matter how you want to phrase it, is putting a "tit for tat" expectation on the situation.  "Tit for tat" is also known as "baby for money."  To me, paying expenses is baby-buying.   Or the expectation that when the prospective parents pay expenses, the end-result will be the placement of a baby.    Paying expenses isn't and cannot possibly be solely done by the prospective parents out of the kindness of their hearts/out of compassion for the mom, because there is still the "tat" (the baby) that the couple hopes to adopt.

Second, paying expenses, no matter how ethical the prospective parents are, puts pressure on the expectant mother to place her baby.   The mom may feel guilty or obligated, so she places even when she doesn't really want to or has doubts that the couple she's matched with are the right parents for her child.  

Third, paying expenses is incredibly financially risky, and in my opinion, financially irresponsible.  I have known several families who pay thousands of dollars in expenses, all non-refundable, of course, and do not end up with a placement.  Of course, the baby's mother has EVERY right not to place her child for any reason.   There are situations where the mother never intended to place or chooses to place in order to temporarily have her expenses paid.  There are also situations where the mother is genuinely intending to place.   No matter what, prospective parents take on a great financial risk by agreeing to pay expenses.  I've known couples who have lost every drop of their life savings to paying expenses.  

Okay, so you have all these issues with paying expenses, but what am I supposed to do?  Seems like every agency and attorney demands that we consider paying expenses.  This is what adoptive parents need to do these days, they proclaim.  

First, find an adoption agency, if you can, that doesn't require you to pay any expenses.  (this is what we did.)  If you deem them an ethical agency, utilize them!   This agency likely hooks expectant moms up with free resources (public housing, for example, and food stamps).   I do understand that public aid is not easy (or quick) to get.   In this case, continue to my next point...

Second, use an agency that has a pooled fund for expectant parent expenses.   Some agencies require all their waiting families to contribute a certain dollar amount to a fund used for ANY expectant parents who need it (not specific expectant parents).    But of course, make sure this is an amount you can afford and are comfortable with.  A few thousand dollars is acceptable and normal.  

Third, wait with an ethical agency/attorney, but make it clear you won't pay expenses, or if you can pay some expenses, which ones you are comfortable paying and up to what dollar amount.   This may very well mean you will wait longer, but in my opinion, a good agency or attorney won't lure in expectant mothers (to make an adoption plan) but offering to pay expenses (ahem, return to my very first point on "tit for tat").

Fourth, always act ethically, no matter what.   Make it clear to a mom you are matched with that in no way to you demand that she place her baby with you.  You are here to love and support her NO MATTER WHAT SHE DECIDES.   Pray for the mom and her circumstances.  Pray for her unborn baby.  Pray for the baby's father.  Pray that this mom has the courage to do what is best in her situation for her child.   I will not, nor will I ever, pray a mother gives her baby to me.  If and until she places, it is HER baby, HER decision, and HER right to do as she chooses.  

Overall, my feelings are this:  We are talking about human beings.  The choices we make have forever-consequences (good or bad) and outcomes.  We cannot reduce a child to a dollar amount, we shouldn't "buy" the allegiance of an expectant mother, and we certainly shouldn't use our finances to manipulate others.  Because no matter where your heart is, if you are waiting to adopt, to some degree, you are hoping for the end result of your journey to be the placement of a child.   By not paying expenses, or by greatly limiting how you pay expenses, you are choosing to truly put expectant moms and unborn babies above your own desires to become a mom or dad.

That's love.

Does Ariel Have a Mother?: Adoption Talk Link-Up

This past Sunday, I was tackling a to-do list, including prepping meals for the week, putting dishes away, and cutting coupons for my upcoming grocery store run.   As I was attempting to accomplish my tasks, my daughters plopped down in their bar stools, my oldest piping up, "Mom, does Ariel have a mother?"

The girls had been watching a childhood favorite of mine, The Little Mermaid.  And to them, it made no sense.  Why would Ariel and her many sisters have a present father but no mother?

Questions about family dynamics comes up a lot in our home.

I think part of this is positive.  We are very open in our home about all topics, not just adoption.  If our kids have a question, we answer it.   And we don't just sit around and wait for them to ask questions.  If we feel they are interested in a topic or might be wondering about something, we prompt them to ask away.   We feel the environment of openness is critical to their identity, our relationship with them, and the demonstration that there is no shame in asking questions, of wondering, of considering, of FEELING.

But part of the question asking, I believe, comes from the constant interrogations from the public about the authenticity of our family.   I know, I know.  I've heard it all.  People are "just curious" and "mean no harm."  (Ahem---the road to hell is paved with good intentions...)  But to me, no matter their intent, what matters to me is what actually comes out of their mouths and the ways in which people demand to know how REAL, how authentic, our family is.   It's disgusting to demand answers from young children.  It's disturbing when adults use their size, their authority, their age to bully children.

My children are constantly subjected to the doubts, insecurities, evaluations, and uncertainties of others.   And there isn't a lot we can do about it, considering our adoption "status" is apparent, the kids' brown skin contrasting our pink skin.    But what I hope is that with the ways we respond to others, with education and grace (and sometimes with a "that's none of your business"), that my children know they can be proud and confident by not giving parts of themselves away to those who haven't earned the trust to hold those things.

When my girls asked me about Ariel's mother, I reminded them that all children have a mother and a father, somewhere, but sometimes the children don't live with their mothers or fathers, or sometimes the mother or father dies.  I don't know where Ariel's mother is now, but she certainly has a mother.

My girls' question surrounded me with conflicting thoughts:

Losing a mother isn't easy.  And gaining a new mother doesn't eradicate the loss of the first mother.

Adoption is complicated.

Family is everything.

Motherhood is a blessing, a privileged, one of life's greatest honors and gifts.

Love doesn't conquer all, but love certainly is the foundation of greatness, of peace, and of possibility.

I know my kids will have a lifetime of questions, some of them surrounding birth, adoption, race, and parenthood.  My responses will always be full of empathy, education, and empowerment.

Illustration from my children's book Black Girls Can: An Empowering Story of Yesterdays and Todays

An InLinkz Link-up

Adoption Talk Link-Up: Mother's Day Week

Hi, Sugars!

I'm so glad your here.  I know this week can be very difficult for many.   You might be approaching Sunday with sadness, or with anxiety, or with gratitude, or with reflection.   Or, if you are like me, you are dealing with a myriad of colliding emotions.

I wanted to share a few things with you to hopefully inspire you and bring you hope.

For me, Mother's Day is a day of both celebration and sadness.  First, my kids' first mothers are always on my mind, but they are even more so in my heart-space on the kids' birthdays and on Mother's Day.  Check out my recent Huff-Post article called To the Women Who Birthed My Children.

I am ever-mindful that my motherhood came at a tremendous cost to three other women.  In the adoption community, birth/first/natural/biological mothers are often deemed selfless, heroic, and sacrificial.   I'm not really comfortable with these terms, because I feel like none of them envelop the magnitude of the loss, the giving, and the journey of adoption.  

These two quotes, in particular, sum up my thoughts on my kids' first mothers and Mother's Day:

Motherhood is my life's greatest joy and honor, but it is also bittersweet.

Because I'm very familiar with the tumultuous, challenging, and surprising journey adoption is, my friend Madeleine (mom by adoption and adoptee) and I decided that it was time for a book specifically for parents by adoption and parents-to-be (by adoption).   Our book is full of HEART messages.   We wrote the book we wished we would have had when we started our own journeys to our babies.   We pray that as our readers pour over our word, they are, well, as the title shares, encouraged.

However you choose to spend Mother's Day and no matter where you are in your journey, I pray that you are able to find peace, joy, and hope.

I'm cheering for you.

An InLinkz Link-up